Uncles Josh\'s Punkin Centre Stories
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Uncles Josh's Punkin Centre Stories by Cal Stewart
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Uncles Josh's
Punkin Centre Stories
By Cal Stewart
Preface
To the Reader.
The one particular object in writing this
book is to furnish you with an occasional
laugh, and the writer with an occasional
dollar. If you get the laugh you have your
equivalent, and the writer has his.
In Uncle Josh Weathersby you have a
purely imaginary character, yet one true to
life. A character chuck full of sunshine and
rural simplicity. Take him as you find him,
and in his experiences you will observe there
is a bright side to everything.
Sincerely Yours
Cal Stewart
Contents
PREFACE
LIFE SKETCH OF AUTHOR
MY OLD YALLER ALMANAC
ARRIVAL IN NEW YORK
UNCLE JOSH IN SOCIETY
UNCLE JOSH IN A CHINESE LAUNDRY
UNCLE JOSH IN A MUSEUM
UNCLE JOSH IN WALL STREET
UNCLE JOSH AND THE FIRE DEPARTMENT
UNCLE JOSH IN AN AUCTION ROOM
UNCLE JOSH ON A FIFTH AVENUE 'BUS
UNCLE JOSH IN A DEPARTMENT STORE
UNCLE JOSH'S COMMENTS ON THE SIGNS SEEN IN NEW YORK
UNCLE JOSH ON A STREET CAR
MY FUST PAIR OF COPPER TOED BOOTS
UNCLE JOSH IN POLICE COURT
UNCLE JOSH AT CONEY ISLAND
UNCLE JOSH AT THE OPERA
UNCLE JOSH AT DELMONICO'S
IT IS FALL
SI PETTINGILL'S BROOMS
UNCLE JOSH PLAYS GOLF
JIM LAWSON'S HOGS
UNCLE JOSH AND THE LIGHTNING ROD AGENT
A MEETING OF THE ANNANIAS CLUB
JIM LAWSON'S HOSS TRADE
A MEETING OF THE SCHOOL DIRECTORS
THE WEEKLY PAPER AT PUNKIN CENTRE
UNCLE JOSH AT A CAMP MEETING
THE UNVEILING OF THE ORGAN
UNCLE JOSH PLAYS A GAME OF BASE BALL
THE PUNKIN CENTRE AND PAW PAW VALLEY RAILROAD
UNCLE JOSH ON A BICYCLE
A BAPTISIN' AT THE HICKORY CORNERS CHURCH
A REMINISCENCE OF MY RAILROAD DAYS
UNCLE JOSH AT A CIRCUS
UNCLE JOSH INVITES THE CITY FOLKS TO VISIT HIM
YOSEMITE JIM, OR A TALE OF THE GREAT WHITE DEATH
UNCLE JOSH WEATHERSBY'S TRIP TO BOSTON
WHO MARCHED IN SIXTY-ONE
Life Sketch of Author
THE author was born in Virginia, on a little
patch of land, so poor we had to fertilize it
to make brick. Our family, while having cast
their fortunes with the South, was not a family
ruined by the war; we did not have
anything when the war commenced, and
so we held our own. I secured a common
school education, and at the age of
twelve I left home, or rather home left me
--things just petered out. I was slush cook
on an Ohio River Packet; check clerk in a
stave and heading camp in the knobs of
Tennessee, Virginia and Georgia; I helped
lay the track of the M. K. & T. R. R., and
was chambermaid in a livery stable. Made
my first appearance on the stage at the National
Theatre in Cincinnati, Ohio, and have
since then chopped cord wood, worked in a
coal mine, made cross ties (and walked
them), worked on a farm, taught a district
school (made love to the big girls), run a
threshing machine, cut bands, fed the machine
and ran the engine. Have been a
freight and passenger brakeman, fired and
ran a locomotive; also a freight train conductor
and check clerk in a freight house;
worked on the section; have been a shot gun
messenger for the Wells, Fargo Company.
Have been with a circus, minstrels, farce
comedy, burlesque and dramatic productions;
have been with good shows, bad
shows, medicine shows, and worse, and
some shows where we had landlords singing
in the chorus. Have played variety houses
and vaudeville houses; have slept in a box
car one night, and a swell hotel the next;
have been a traveling salesman (could spin
as many yarns as any of them). For the past
four years have made the Uncle Josh stories
for the talking machine. The Lord only
knows what next!
My Old Yaller Almanac
Hangin' on the
Kitchen Wall
I'M sort of fond of readin' one
thing and another,
So I've read promiscus like
whatever cum my way,
And many a friendly argument's cum up 'tween
me and mother,
'Bout things that I'd be readin' settin' round
a rainy day.
Sometimes it jist seemed to me thar wa'nt
no end of books,
Some made fer useful readin' and some jist
made fer looks;
But of all the different books I've read,
thar's none comes up at all
To My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.
I've always liked amusement, of the good
and wholesome kind,
It's better than a doctor, and it elevates the
mind;
So, often of an evening, when the farm
chores all were done,
I'd join the games the boys would play, gosh
how I liked the fun;
And once thar wuz a minstrel troop, they
showed at our Town Hall,
A jolly lot of fellers, 'bout twenty of 'em all.
Wall I went down to see 'em, but their
jokes, I knowed 'em all,
Read 'em in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
Thar wuz Ezra Hoskins, Deacon Brown and
a lot of us old codgers,
Used to meet down at the grocery store,
what wuz kept by Jason Rogers.
There we'd set and argufy most every market
day,
Chawin' tobacker and whittlin' sticks to pass
the time away;
And many a knotty problem has put us on
our mettle,
Which we felt it wuz our duty to duly solve
and settle;
Then after they had said their say, who
thought they knowed it all,
I'd floor 'em with some facts I'd got
From My Old Yaller Almanac, Hangin' on
the Kitchen Wall.
It beats a regular cyclopedium, that old
fashioned yeller book,
And many a pleasant hour in readin' it I've
took;
Somehow I've never tired of lookin' through
its pages,
Seein' of the different things that's happened
in all ages.
One time I wuz elected a Justice of the
Peace,
To make out legal documents, a mortgage
or a lease,
Them tricks that lawyers have, you bet I
knowed them all,
Learned them in My Old Yaller Almanac,
Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
So now I've bin to New York, and all your
sights I've seen,
I s'pose that to you city folks I must look
most awful green,
Gee whiz, what lots of fun I've had as I
walked round the town,
Havin' Bunco Steerers ask me if I wasn't
Mr. Hiram Brown.
I've rode on all your trolloly cars, and hung
onto the straps,
When we flew around the corners, sat on
other peoples' laps,
Hav'nt had no trouble, not a bit at all,
Read about your city in My Old Yaller
Almanac, Hangin' on the Kitchen Wall.
Uncle Josh Weathersby's Arrival in New York
WALL, fer a long time I had my mind made up
that I'd cum down to New York, and so a
short time ago, as I had my crops all gathered
in and produce sold I calculated as how
it would be a good time to come down
here. Folks at home said I'd be buncoed
or have my pockets picked fore I'd bin
here mor'n half an hour; wall, I fooled
'em a little bit, I wuz here three days afore
they buncoed me. I spose as how there are
a good many of them thar bunco fellers
around New York, but I tell you them thar
street keer conductors take mighty good
care on you. I wuz ridin' along in one of
them keers, had my pockit book right in my
hand, I alowed no feller would pick my
pockits and git it long as I had it in my
hand, and it shet up tight as a barrel when
the cider's workin'. Wall that conductor feller
he jest kept his eye on me, and every
little bit he'd put his head in the door and
say "hold fast." But I'm transgressin' from
what I started to tell ye. I wuz ridin' along
in one of them sleepin' keers comin' here,
and along in the night some time I felt a feller
rummagin' around under my bed, and I
looked out jest in time to see him goin' away
with my boots, wall I knowed the way that
train wuz a runnin' he couldn't git off with
them without breakin' his durned neck, but
in about half an hour he brot them back,
guess they didn't fit him. Wall I wuz sort
of glad he took em cause he hed em all
shined up slicker 'n a new tin whistle. Wall
when I got up in the mornin' my trubbles
commenced. I wuz so crouded up like,
durned if I could git my clothes on, and when
I did git em on durned if my pants wa'nt on
hind side afore, and my socks got all tangled
up in that little fish net along side of the
bed and I couldn't git em out, and I lost a
bran new collar button that I traded Si Pettingill
a huskin' peg fer, and I got my right
boot on my left foot and the left one on the
right foot, and I wuz so durned badly mixed
up I didn't know which way the train wuz a
runnin', and I bumped my head on the roof
of the bed over me, and then sot down right
suddin like to think it over when some feller
cum along and stepped right squar on my
bunion and I let out a war whoop you could
a heerd over in the next county. Wall, along
cum that durned porter and told me I wuz
a wakin' up everybody in the keer. Then I
started in to hunt fer my collar button, cause
I sot a right smart store by that button, thar
warns another one like it in Punkin Centre,
and I thought it would be kind of doubtful
if they'd have any like it in New York, wall
I see one stuck right in the wall so I tried to
git it out with my jack knife, when along
came that durned black jumpin' jack dressed
in soldier clothes and ast me what I wanted,
and I told him I didn't want anything perticler,
then he told me to quit ringin' the
bell, guess he wuz a little crazy, I didn't see
no bell. Wall, finally I got my clothes on
and went into a room whar they had a row
of little troughs to wash in, and fast as I could
pump water in the durned thing it run out
of a little hole in the bottom of the trough
so I jest had to grab a handful and then
pump some more. Wall after that things
went along purty well fer a right smart while,
then I et a snack out of my carpet bag and
felt purty good. Wall that train got to runnin'
slower and slower 'till it stopped at every
house and when it cum to a double house it
stopped twice. I hed my ticket in my hat
and I put my head out of the window to look
at suthin' when the wind blew my hat off and
I lost the durned old ticket, wall the conductor
made me buy another one. I hed to
buy two tickets to ride once, but I fooled
him, he don't know a durned thing about it
and when he finds it out he's goin to be the
maddest conductor on that railroad, I got a
round trip ticket and I ain't a goin' back on
his durned old road. When I got off the
ferry boat down here I commenced to think
I wuz about the best lookin' old feller what
ever cum to New York, thar wuz a lot of fellers
down thar with buggies and kerridges
and one thing and another, and jest the minnit
they seen me they all commenced to holler--
handsome--handsome. I didn't know
I wuz so durned good lookin'. One feller
tried to git my carpet bag and another tried
to git my umbreller, and I jest told 'em to
stand back or durned if I wouldn't take a
wrestle out of one or two of them, then I
asked one of 'em if he could haul me up to
the Sturtevessant hotel, and by gosh I never
heered a feller stutter like that feller did in
all my life, he said ye-ye-ye-yes sir, and I said
wall how much air you a goin' to charge me,
and he said f-f-f-fif-fif-fifty c-c-cents, and I
sed wall I guess I'll ride with you, but don't
stop to talk about it any more cause I'd
kinder like to git thar. Wall we started out
and when we stopped we wuz away up at the
other end of the town whar thar warn't many
houses, and I sed to him, this here ain't the
Sturtevessant hotel, and he sed n-n-n-no n-s-s-
n-no sir, I sed why didn't you let me out
at the hotel like I told ye, and he sed,
b-b-b-be c-c-c b-b-be cause I c-c-c-c-couldn't
s-s-s-say w-w-w-whoa q-q-q-q-quick enough.
Wall I hed a great time with that feller, but
I got here at last.
Uncle Josh in Society
WALL, I did'nt suppose when I cum down here
to New York that I wuz a goin to flop right
into the middle of high toned society, but
I guess that's jist about what I done. You
see I had an old friend a livin' down here
named Henry Higgins, and I wanted to
see Henry mighty bad. Henry and me, we
wuz boys together down home at Punkin
Centre, and I hadn't seen him in a long time.
Wall, I got a feller to look up his name in
the city almanac, and he showed me whar
Henry lived, away up on a street called
avenue five. Wall when I seen Henry's
house it jist about took my breath away, I
wuz that clar sot back. Henry's house is a
good deal bigger'n the court house at
Punkin Centre. Wall at first I didn't know
whether to go in or not, but finally I mustered
up my courage, and I went up and
rang some new fangled door bell, when a
feller with knee britches on cum out and
wanted to know who it wuz I wanted to see.
Gosh I couldn't say anything fer about a
minnit, that feller jist looked to me like a
picter I'd seen in a story book. Wall finally
I told him I wanted to see Henry Higgins,
if it wuz the same Henry I used to know
down home at Punkin Centre. Wall I guess
Henry he must a heered me talkin', cause
he jist cum out and grabbed me by both
hands and sed, "why Josh Weathersby, how
do you do, cum right in." Wall he took
me into the house and introduced me to
more wimmin folks than I ever seen before
in all my life at one time. I guess they were
havin' some kind of society doins at Henry's
house, one old lady sed to me, "my dear
Mr. Weathersby, I am so pleased to meet
you, I've heered Mr. Higgins speak about
you so often." Wall by chowder, I got to
blushin' so it cum pretty near settin' my hair
on fire, but I sed, wall now I'm right glad
to know you, you kind-er put me in mind of
old Nancy Smith down hum, and Nancy,
she's bin tryin' to git married past forty seasons
that I kin remember on. Wall Henry
took me off into a room by myself, and when
I got on my store clothes and my new calf
skin boots, I tell you I looked about as
scrimptious as any of them. Wall they had
a dance, I think they called it a cowtillion,
and that wuz whar I wuz right to hum, I
jist hopped out on the floor, balanced to
partners, swung on the corners, and cut up
more capers than any young feller thar, it
jist looked as if all the ladies wanted to dance
with me. One lady wanted to know if I
danced the german, but I told her I only
danced in English.
Wall after that we had something to eat
in the dinin' room, and I hadn't any more'n
got sot down and got to eatin right good,
when that durn fool with the knee britches
on insulted me, he handed me a little wash
bowl with a towel round it, and I told him
he needn't cast any insinuations at me, cause
I washed my hands afore I cum in. If it
hadn't a bin in Henry's house I'd took a
wrestle out of him. Wall they had a lot of
furrin dishes, sumthin what they called beef
all over mud, and another what they called
a-charlotte russia-a little shavin' mug made
out of cake and full of sweetened lather, wall
that was mighty good eatin', though it took a
lot of them, they wasn't very fillin'. Then
they handed me somethin' what they called
ice cream, looked to me like a hunk of
casteel soap, wall I stuck my fork in it and
tried to bite it, and it slipped off and got
inside my vest, and in less than a minnit I
wuz froze from my chin to my toes. I
guess I cut a caper at Henry's house.
Uncle Josh in a Chinese Laundry
I S'POSE I got tangled up the other day with
the dogondest lookin' critter I calculate I
ever seen in all my born days, and I've bin
around purty considerable. I'd seen all sorts
of cooriosoties and monstrosities in cirkuses
and meenagerys, but that wuz the fust
time I'd ever seen a critter with his head
and tail on the same end. You see I
sed to a feller, now whar abouts in New
York do you folks git your washin' done;
when I left hum to come down here I lowed
I had enuff with me to do me, but I've
stayed here a little longer than I calculated
to, and if I don't git some washin' done purty
soon, I'll have to go and jump in the river.
Wall he wuz a bligin sort of a feller, and
he told me thar wuz a place round the corner
whar a feller done all the washin', so I
went round, and there was a sine on the
winder what sed Hop Quick, or Hop Soon,
or jump up and hop, or some other kind of
a durned hop; and then thar wuz a lot of
figers on the winder that I couldn't make
head nor tail on; it jist looked to me like a
chicken with mud on its feet had walked
over that winder.
Wall I went in to see bout gittin' my
washin' done, and gosh all spruce gum, thar
was one of them pig tailed heathen Chineeze,
he jist looked fer all the world like a picter
on Aunt Nancy Smith's tea cups. I wuz
sort of sot back fer a minnit, coz 'I sed to
myself--I don't spose this durned critter can
talk English; but seein' as how I'm in here,
I might as well find out. So I told him I'd
like to git him to do some washin' fer me,
and he commenced a talkin' some outlandish
lingo, sounded to me like cider runnin'
out of a jug, somethin' like--ung tong
oowong fang kai moi oo ung we, velly good
washee. Wall I understood the last of it
and jist took his word fer the rest, so I giv
him my clothes and he giv me a little yeller
ticket that he painted with a brush what he
had, and I'll jist bet a yoke of steers agin the
holler in a log, that no livin' mortal man could
read that ticket; it looked like a fly had fell
into the ink bottle and then crawled over the
paper. Wall I showed it to a gentleman
what was a standin' thar when I cum out, and
I sed to him--mister, what in thunder is this
here thing, and he sed "Wall sir that's a sort
of a lotery ticket; every time you leave your
clothes thar to have them washed you git
one of them tickets, and then you have a
chance to draw a prize of some kind." So
I sed--wall now I want to know, how much
is the blamed thing wuth, and he sed "I
spose bout ten cents," and I told him if he
wanted my chants for ten cents he could hav
it, I didn't want to get tangled up in any
lotery gamblin' bizness with that saucer faced
scamp. So he giv me ten cents and he took
the ticket, and in a couple of days I went
round to git my washin', and that pig tailed
heathen he wouldn't let me hev em, coz I'd
lost that lotery ticket. So I sed--now look
here Mr. Hop Soon, if you don't hop round
and git me my collars and ciffs and other
clothes what I left here, I'll be durned if I
don't flop you in about a minnit, I will by
chowder. Wall that critter he commenced
hoppin around and a talkin faster 'n a buzz
saw could turn, and all I could make out
wuz--mee song lay tang moo me oo lay ung
yong wo say mee tickee. Wall I seen jist as
plain as could be that he wuz a tryin' to swindle
me outen my clothes, so I made a grab
fer him, and in less 'n a minnit we wuz a
rollin' round on the floor; fust I wuz on top,
and then Mr. Hop Soon wuz on top, and
you couldn't hav told which one of us the
pig tail belonged to. We upset the stove
and kicked out the winder, and I sot Mr.
Hop Soon in the wash tub, and when I got
out of thar I had somebody's washin' in one
hand and about five yards of that pig tail in
tother, and Mr. Hop Soon, he wuz standin'
thar yellin'--ung wa moo ye song ki le yung
noy song oowe pelecee, pelecee, pelecee.
I had quite a time with that heathen critter.
Uncle Josh in a Museum
WHEN I wuz in New York one day I wuz a walkin'
along down the street when I cum to a theater
or play doins' of some kind or other, so I got
to lookin' at the picters, and I noticed whar
it sed it only cost ten cents to go in, and
I alowed I might as well go in and see
it. Wall I don't spose I'd bin in thar
over five minutes afore I made myself
the laffin' stock of every one in thar. I
noticed a feller a sottin' thar gittin' his boots
blacked, and thar was a durned little pick
pockit a pickin' his pockits. Wall I didn't
want to see him git robbed, so I went right
up to him and I sed--look out mister, you
air gittin' your pockits picked, wall sir, that
durned cuss never sed a word and every
body commenced to laff, and I looked round
to see what they wuz a laffin' at, and it wan't
no man at all, nothin' only a durned old wax
figger. I never felt so durned foolish since
the day I popped the question to Samantha.
Wall then I looked round a spell longer, and
thar wuz a feller what they called the human
pin cushion, and he wuz stuck chock full of
needles and pins and looked like a hedge
hog; he'd be a mighty handy feller at a
quiltin'. Wall, then a feller cum along and
sed, "everybody over to this end of the
hall." Wall, I went along with the rest of
them, and durn my buttins if thar wa'nt a
feller what had more picters painted on him
than thar is in a story book. Wall, I'd jist
got to lookin' at him when that feller what
had charge sed, "right this way everybody,"
and we all went into whar they wuz havin'
the theater doins', and I got sot down and a
feller cum out and sung a song I hadn't
heered since I wuz a youngster. Neer as I
kin remember it wuz this way--
Kind friends I hadn't had but one sleigh ride this year,
And I cum within one of not bein' here,
The facts I'll relate near as I kin remember,
It happened some time 'bout last December.
Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
ri too ra loo la ri do.
The load was composed of both girls and boys,
All tryin' to outdo the other in noise.
And the way that we guarded agin the cold weather
Wuz settin' all up spoon fashion together.
Li too ra loo ri too ra loo
ri too ra loo ri li do.
Wall, they had a parrit in that place and
the way he sputtered and jabbered and
talked! He wuz a whole show all to himself.
Wall, I bought one of them birds from
a feller one time--he said it wuz a good
talker. Wall, I took it hum and hed it
about three months, and it never sed a
durned word. I put in most of my spare
time tryin' to git it to say "Uncle Josh," but
the durned critter wouldn't do it, so I got
mad at him one day and throwed him out in
the barn yard amongst the chickens, and left
him thar. Wall, when I went out the next
mornin', I tell you thar wuz a sight. Half
of them chickens wuz dead, and the rest of
'em wuz skeered to death, and that durned
parrit had a rooster by the neck up agin the
barn, and jist a givin' him an awful whippin',
and every time he'd hit him he'd say, "Now
you say Uncle Josh, gol durn you, you say
Uncle Josh."
Uncle Josh in Wall Street
I USED to read in our town paper down home
at Punkin Centre a whole lot about Wall street
and them bulls and bears, and one thing and
another, so I jist sed to myself--now
Joshua, when you git down to New York
City, that's jist what you want to see. Wall,
when I got to New York, I got a feller to
show me whar it wuz, and I'll be durned
if I know why they call it Wall street;
it didn't hav any wall round it. I walked
up and down it bout an hour and a half,
and I couldn't find any stock exchange
or see any place fer watterin' any stock. I
couldn't see a pig nor a cow, nor a sheep
nor a calf, or anything else that looked like
stock to me. So finally I sed to a gentleman--
Mister, whar do they keep the menagery
down here. He sed "what menagery?"
I sed the place whar they've got all
them bulls and bears a fitin'. Wall he looked
at me as though he thought I wuz crazy,
and I guess he did, but he sed "you cum
along with me, guess I can show you what
you want to see." Wall I went along with
him, and he took me up to some public institushun,
near as I could make out it wuz a
loonytick asylem. Wall he took me into a
room about two akers and a half squar, and
thar wuz about two thousand of the crazyest
men in thar I ever seen in all my life. The
minnit I sot eyes on them I knowed they wuz
all crazy, and I'd hav to umer them if I got
out of thar alive. One feller wuz a standin'
on the top of a table with a lot of papers in
his hand, and a yellin' like a Comanche
injin, and all the rest of them wuz tryin' to
git at him. Finally I sed to one of 'em--
Mister, what are you a tryin' to do with that
feller up thar on the table? And he sed,
"Wall he's got five thousand bushels of
wheat and we are tryin' to git it away from
him." Wall, jist the minnit he sed that I
knowed fer certain they wuz all crazy, cos
nobody but a crazy man would ever think
he had five thousand bushels of wheat in his
coat and pants pockits. Wall when they
wan't a looking I got out of thar, and I felt
mighty thankful to git out. There wuz a
feller standin' on the front steps; he had a
sort of a unyform on; I guess he wuz Superintendent
of the institushun; he talked purty
sassy to me. I sed, Mister, what time does
the fust car go up town. He sed "the fust
one went about twenty-five years ago." I
sed to him--is that my car over thar? He
sed "no sir, that car belongs to the street car
company." I sez, wall guess I'll take it anyhow.
He says "you'd better not, thar's bin
a good many cars missed around here
lately." I sed, wall now, I want to know, is
thar anything round here any fresher than
you be? He sed, "yes, sir, that bench
you're a sotten on is a little fresher; they
painted it about ten minnits ago." Wall, I
got up and looked, and durned if he wasn't right.
Uncle Josh and the Fire Department
ONE day in New York, I thot I'd rite a letter
home. Wall after I'd got it all writ, I sed to
the landlord of the tavern--now, whar abouts
in New York do you keep the post offis? And
he sed, "what do you want with the post
offis?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter
home to mother and Samantha Ann, and
I'd like to go to the post offis and mail
it. And he told me "you don't have to
go to the post offis, do you see that little
box on the post thar on the corner?" I
alowed as how I did. Wall he says, "You
jist go out thar and put your letter in that
box, and it will go right to the post offis."
I sed--wall now, gee whiz, ain't that handy.
Wall I went out thar, and I had a good deal
of trouble in gittin' the box open, and when
I did git it open, thar wan't any place to put
my letter, thar wuz a lot of notes and hooks
and hinges, and a lot of readin,' it sed--
"pull on the hook twice and turn the knob,"
or somethin, like that, I couldn't jist rightly
make it out. Wall I yanked on that hook
'till I tho't I'd pull it out by the roots, but I
couldn't git the durned thing open, then I
turned on the knob two or three times, and
that didn't do any good, so I pulled on the
hook and turned on the knob at the same
time, and jist then I think all the fire bells
in New York commenced to ringin' all to
onct. Wall I looked round to see whar the
fire wuz, and a lot of fire ingines and hook
and ladder wagons cum a gallopin' up to
whar I stood, and they had a big sody water
bottle on wheels, and it busted and squirted
sody water all over me. Wall one of them
fire fellers, lookin' jist like I'd seen them in
picters in Ezra Hoskin's insurance papers,
he cum up to me madder'n a hornet, and he
sed "what are you tryin' to do with that
box?" So I told him I'd jist writ a letter
home, and I wuz a tryin' to mail it. He sed
"why you durned old green horn, you've
called out the hull fire department of New
York City." Wall I guess you could have
knocked me down with a feather. I sed--
wall you'r a purty healthy lookin' lot of
fellers, it won't hurt ye any to go back, will
it? Wall he sed, "thars your letter box over
on thother corner, now you let this box
alone." Wall they all drove away, and I
went over to the other box, but I didn't
know whether to touch it or not, I didn't
know but maybe I'd call out the state legislater
if I opened it. Wall while I wuz a
standin' thar a feller cum along and looked
all round, and when he thot thar wan't any
body watchin' him, he opened that box and
commenced takin' the letters out. Wall I'd
heered a whole lot 'bout them post offis
robbers, when I wuz post master down home
at Punkin Center, so jist arrested him right
thar, I took him by the nap of the neck and
flopped him right down on the side walk,
and sot on him, I hollered--MURDER! PERLEES!
and every other thing I could think of, and
a lot of constables and town marshalls cum a
runnin' up, and one of them sed "what are
you holdin' this man fer?" and I told him
I'd caught him right in the act of robbin'
the United States Post Offis, and by gosh I
arrested him. Wall they all commenced a
laffin', and I found out I'd arrested one of
the post masters of New York City.