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Raffles, Further Adventures of the Amateur Cracksman

E >> E. W. Hornung >> Raffles, Further Adventures of the Amateur Cracksman



RAFFLES

FURTHER ADVENTURES OF THE AMATEUR CRACKSMAN

BY E. W. HORNUNG




RAFFLES

NO SINECURE



I

I am still uncertain which surprised me more, the telegram
calling my attention to the advertisement, or the advertisement
itself. The telegram is before me as I write. It would appear
to have been handed in at Vere Street at eight o'clock in the
morning of May 11, 1897, and received before half-past at
Holloway B.O. And in that drab region it duly found me, unwashen
but at work before the day grew hot and my attic insupportable.

"See Mr. Maturin's advertisement Daily Mail might suit you
earnestly beg try will speak if necessary ---- ----"

I transcribe the thing as I see it before me, all in one
breath that took away mine; but I leave out the initials at the
end, which completed the surprise. They stood very obviously for
the knighted specialist whose consulting-room is within a
cab-whistle of Vere Street, and who once called me kinsman for
his sins. More recently he had called me other names. I was a
disgrace, qualified by an adjective which seemed to me another.
I had made my bed, and I could go and lie and die in it. If I
ever again had the insolence to show my nose in that house, I
should go out quicker than I came in. All this, and more, my
least distant relative could tell a poor devil to his face;
could ring for his man, and give him his brutal instructions on
the spot; and then relent to the tune of this telegram! I have
no phrase for my amazement. I literally could not believe my
eyes. Yet their evidence was more and more conclusive: a very
epistle could not have been more characteristic of its sender.
Meanly elliptical, ludicrously precise, saving half-pence at
the expense of sense, yet paying like a man for "Mr." Maturin,
that was my distinguished relative from his bald patch to his
corns. Nor was all the rest unlike him, upon second thoughts.
He had a reputation for charity; he was going to live up to it
after all. Either that, or it was the sudden impulse of which
the most calculating are capable at times; the morning papers
with the early cup of tea, this advertisement seen by chance,
and the rest upon the spur of a guilty conscience.

Well, I must see it for myself, and the sooner the better,
though work pressed. I was writing a series of articles upon
prison life, and had my nib into the whole System; a literary
and philanthropical daily was parading my "charges," the graver
ones with the more gusto; and the terms, if unhandsome for
creative work, were temporary wealth to me. It so happened that
my first check had just arrived by the eight o'clock post; and
my position should be appreciated when I say that I had to cash
it to obtain a Daily Mail.

Of the advertisement itself, what is to be said? It should speak
for itself if I could find it, but I cannot, and only remember
that it was a "male nurse and constant attendant" that was
"wanted for an elderly gentleman in feeble health." A male
nurse! An absurd tag was appended, offering "liberal salary to
University or public-school man"; and of a sudden I saw that I
should get this thing if I applied for it. What other
"University or public-school man" would dream of doing so? Was
any other in such straits as I? And then my relenting relative;
he not only promised to speak for me, but was the very man to do
so. Could any recommendation compete with his in the matter of
a male nurse? And need the duties of such be necessarily
loathsome and repellent? Certainly the surroundings would be
better than those of my common lodging-house and own particular
garret; and the food; and every other condition of life that I
could think of on my way back to that unsavory asylum. So I
dived into a pawnbroker's shop, where I was a stranger only
upon my present errand, and within the hour was airing a decent
if antiquated suit, but little corrupted by the pawnbroker's
moth, and a new straw hat, on the top of a tram.

The address given in the advertisement was that of a flat at
Earl's Court, which cost me a cross-country journey, finishing
with the District Railway and a seven minutes' walk. It was now
past mid-day, and the tarry wood-pavement was good to smell as
I strode up the Earl's Court Road. It was great to walk the
civilized world again. Here were men with coats on their backs,
and ladies in gloves. My only fear was lest I might run up
against one or other whom I had known of old. But it was my
lucky day. I felt it in my bones. I was going to get this
berth; and sometimes I should be able to smell the wood-pavement
on the old boy's errands; perhaps he would insist on skimming
over it in his bath-chair, with me behind.

I felt quite nervous when I reached the flats. They were a small
pile in a side street, and I pitied the doctor whose plate I saw
upon the palings before the ground-floor windows; he must be in
a very small way, I thought. I rather pitied myself as well.
I had indulged in visions of better flats than these. There
were no balconies. The porter was out of livery. There was no
lift, and my invalid on the third floor! I trudged up, wishing
I had never lived in Mount Street, and brushed against a
dejected individual coming down. A full-blooded young fellow in
a frock-coat flung the right door open at my summons.

"Does Mr. Maturin live here?" I inquired.

"That's right," said the full-blooded young man, grinning all
over a convivial countenance.

"I--I've come about his advertisement in the Daily Mail."

"You're the thirty-ninth," cried the blood; "that was the
thirty-eighth you met upon the stairs, and the day's still
young. Excuse my staring at you. Yes, you pass your prelim.,
and can come inside; you're one of the few. We had most just
after breakfast, but now the porter's heading off the worst
cases, and that last chap was the first for twenty minutes.
Come in here."

And I was ushered into an empty room with a good bay-window,
which enabled my full-blooded friend to inspect me yet more
critically in a good light; this he did without the least false
delicacy; then his questions began.

"'Varsity man?"

"No."

"Public school?"

"Yes."

"Which one?"

I told him, and he sighed relief.

"At last! You're the very first I've not had to argue with as
to what is and what is not a public school. Expelled?"

"No," I said, after a moment's hesitation; "no, I was not
expelled. And I hope you won't expel me if I ask a question in
my turn?"

"Certainly not."

"Are you Mr. Maturin's son?"

"No, my name's Theobald. You may have seen it down below."

"The doctor?" I said.

"His doctor," said Theobald, with a satisfied eye. "Mr.
Maturin's doctor. He is having a male nurse and attendant by my
advice, and he wants a gentleman if he can get one. I rather
think he'll see you, though he's only seen two or three all day.
There are certain questions which he prefers to ask himself, and
it's no good going over the same ground twice. So perhaps I had
better tell him about you before we get any further."

And he withdrew to a room still nearer the entrance, as I could
hear, for it was a very small flat indeed. But now two doors
were shut between us, and I had to rest content with murmurs
through the wall until the doctor returned to summon me.

"I have persuaded my patient to see you," he whispered, "but I
confess I am not sanguine of the result. He is very difficult
to please. You must prepare yourself for a querulous invalid,
and for no sinecure if you get the billet."

"May I ask what's the matter with him?"

"By all means--when you've got the billet."

Dr. Theobald then led the way, his professional dignity so
thoroughly intact that I could not but smile as I followed his
swinging coat-tails to the sick-room. I carried no smile across
the threshold of a darkened chamber which reeked of drugs and
twinkled with medicine bottles, and in the middle of which a
gaunt figure lay abed in the half-light.

"Take him to the window, take him to the window," a thin voice
snapped, "and let's have a look at him. Open the blind a bit.
Not as much as that, damn you, not as much as that!"

The doctor took the oath as though it had been a fee. I no
longer pitied him. It was now very clear to me that he had one
patient who was a little practice in himself. I determined
there and then that he should prove a little profession to me,
if we could but keep him alive between us. Mr. Maturin,
however, had the whitest face that I have ever seen, and his
teeth gleamed out through the dusk as though the withered lips
no longer met about them; nor did they except in speech; and
anything ghastlier than the perpetual grin of his repose I defy
you to imagine. It was with this grin that he lay regarding me
while the doctor held the blind.

"So you think you could look after me, do you?"

"I'm certain I could, sir."

"Single-handed, mind! I don't keep another soul. You would
have to cook your own grub and my slops. Do you think you could
do all that?"

"Yes, sir, I think so."

"Why do you? Have you any experience of the kind?"

"No, sir, none."

"Then why do you pretend you have?"

"I only meant that I would do my best."

"Only meant, only meant! Have you done your best at everything
else, then?"

I hung my head. This was a facer. And there was something in
my invalid which thrust the unspoken lie down my throat.

"No, sir, I have not," I told him plainly.

"He, he, he!" the old wretch tittered; "and you do well to own
it; you do well, sir, very well indeed. If you hadn't owned up,
out you would have gone, out neck-and-crop! You've saved your
bacon. You may do more. So you are a public-school boy, and a
very good school yours is, but you weren't at either University.
Is that correct?"

"Absolutely."

"What did you do when you left school?"

"I came in for money."

"And then?"

"I spent my money."

"And since then?"

I stood like a mule.

"And since then, I say!"

"A relative of mine will tell you if you ask him. He is an
eminent man, and he has promised to speak for me. I would
rather say no more myself."

"But you shall, sir, but you shall! Do you suppose that I
suppose a public-school boy would apply for a berth like this if
something or other hadn't happened? What I want is a gentleman
of sorts, and I don't much care what sort; but you've got to
tell me what did happen, if you don't tell anybody else. Dr.
Theobald, sir, you can go to the devil if you won't take a hint.
This man may do or he may not. You have no more to say to it
till I send him down to tell you one thing or the other. Clear
out, sir, clear out; and if you think you've anything to
complain of, you stick it down in the bill!"

In the mild excitement of our interview the thin voice had
gathered strength, and the last shrill insult was screamed after
the devoted medico, as he retired in such order that I felt
certain he was going to take this trying patient at his word.
The bedroom door closed, then the outer one, and the doctor's
heels went drumming down the common stair. I was alone in the
flat with this highly singular and rather terrible old man.

"And a damned good riddance!" croaked the invalid, raising
himself on one elbow without delay. "I may not have much body
left to boast about, but at least I've got a lost old soul to
call my own. That's why I want a gentleman of sorts about me.
I've been too dependent on that chap. He won't even let me
smoke, and he's been in the flat all day to see I didn't.
You'll find the cigarettes behind the Madonna of the Chair."

It was a steel engraving of the great Raffaelle, and the frame
was tilted from the wall; at a touch a packet of cigarettes
tumbled down from behind.

"Thanks; and now a light."

I struck the match and held it, while the invalid inhaled with
normal lips; and suddenly I sighed. I was irresistibly reminded
of my poor dear old Raffles. A smoke-ring worthy of the great
A. J. was floating upward from the sick man's lips.

"And now take one yourself. I have smoked more poisonous
cigarettes. But even these are not Sullivans!"

I cannot repeat what I said. I have no idea what I did. I only
know--I only knew--that it was A. J. Raffles in the flesh!


II

"Yes, Bunny, it was the very devil of a swim; but I defy you to
sink in the Mediterranean. That sunset saved me. The sea was
on fire. I hardly swam under water at all, but went all I knew
for the sun itself; when it set I must have been a mile away;
until it did I was the invisible man. I figured on that, and
only hope it wasn't set down as a case of suicide. I shall get
outed quite soon enough, Bunny, but I'd rather be dropped by the
hangman than throw my own wicket away."

"Oh, my dear old chap, to think of having you by the hand again!
I feel as though we were both aboard that German liner, and all
that's happened since a nightmare. I thought that time was the
last!"

"It looked rather like it, Bunny. It was taking all the risks,
and hitting at everything. But the game came off, and some day
I'll tell you how."

"Oh, I'm in no hurry to hear. It's enough for me to see you
lying there. I don't want to know how you came there, or why,
though I fear you must be pretty bad. I must have a good look
at you before I let you speak another word!"

I raised one of the blinds, I sat upon the bed, and I had that
look. It left me all unable to conjecture his true state of
health, but quite certain in my own mind that my dear Raffles
was not and never would be the man that he had been. He had
aged twenty years; he looked fifty at the very least. His hair
was white; there was no trick about that; and his face was
another white. The lines about the corners of the eyes and
mouth were both many and deep. On the other hand, the eyes
themselves were alight and alert as ever; they were still keen
and gray and gleaming, like finely tempered steel. Even the
mouth, with a cigarette to close it, was the mouth of Raffles
and no other: strong and unscrupulous as the man himself. It
was only the physical strength which appeared to have departed;
but that was quite sufficient to make my heart bleed for the
dear rascal who had cost me every tie I valued but the tie
between us two.

"Think I look much older?" he asked at length.

"A bit," I admitted. "But it is chiefly your hair."

"Whereby hangs a tale for when we've talked ourselves out,
though I have often thought it was that long swim that started
it. Still, the Island of Elba is a rummy show, I can assure
you. And Naples is a rummier!"

"You went there after all?"

"Rather! It's the European paradise for such as our noble
selves. But there's no place that's a patch on little London as
a non-conductor of heat; it never need get too hot for a fellow
here; if it does it's his own fault. It's the kind of wicket
you don't get out on, unless you get yourself out. So here I am
again, and have been for the last six weeks. And I mean to have
another knock."

"But surely, old fellow, you're not awfully fit, are you?"

"Fit? My dear Bunny, I'm dead--I'm at the bottom of the
sea--and don't you forget it for a minute."

"But are you all right, or are you not?"

"No, I'm half-poisoned by Theobald's prescriptions and putrid
cigarettes, and as weak as a cat from lying in bed."

"Then why on earth lie in bed, Raffles?"

"Because it's better than lying in gaol, as I am afraid YOU
know, my poor dear fellow. I tell you I am dead; and my one
terror is of coming to life again by accident. Can't you see?
I simply dare not show my nose out of doors--by day. You have
no idea of the number of perfectly innocent things a dead man
daren't do. I can't even smoke Sullivans, because no one man
was ever so partial to them as I was in my lifetime, and you
never know when you may start a clew."

"What brought you to these mansions?"

"I fancied a flat, and a man recommended these on the boat; such
a good chap, Bunny; he was my reference when it came to signing
the lease. You see I landed on a stretcher--most pathetic
case--old Australian without a friend in old country--ordered
Engadine as last chance--no go--not an earthly--sentimental wish
to die in London--that's the history of Mr. Maturin. If it
doesn't hit you hard, Bunny, you're the first. But it hit
friend Theobald hardest of all. I'm an income to him. I
believe he's going to marry on me."

"Does he guess there's nothing wrong?"

"Knows, bless you! But he doesn't know I know he knows, and
there isn't a disease in the dictionary that he hasn't treated
me for since he's had me in hand. To do him justice, I believe
he thinks me a hypochondriac of the first water; but that young
man will go far if he keeps on the wicket. He has spent half
his nights up here, at guineas apiece."

"Guineas must be plentiful, old chap!"

"They have been, Bunny. I can't say more. But I don't see why
they shouldn't be again."

I was not going to inquire where the guineas came from. As if I
cared! But I did ask old Raffles how in the world he had got
upon my tracks; and thereby drew the sort of smile with which
old gentlemen rub their hands, and old ladies nod their noses.
Raffles merely produced a perfect oval of blue smoke before
replying.

"I was waiting for you to ask that, Bunny; it's a long time
since I did anything upon which I plume myself more. Of course,
in the first place, I spotted you at once by these prison
articles; they were not signed, but the fist was the fist of my
sitting rabbit!"

"But who gave you my address?"

"I wheedled it out of your excellent editor; called on him at
dead of night, when I occasionally go afield like other ghosts,
and wept it out of him in five minutes. I was your only
relative; your name was not your own name; if he insisted I
would give him mine. He didn't insist, Bunny, and I danced down
his stairs with your address in my pocket."

"Last night?"

"No, last week."

"And so the advertisement was yours, as well as the telegram!"

I had, of course, forgotten both in the high excitement of the
hour, or I should scarcely have announced my belated discovery
with such an air. As it was I made Raffles look at me as I had
known him look before, and the droop of his eyelids began to
sting.

"Why all this subtlety?" I petulantly exclaimed. "Why couldn't
you come straight away to me in a cab?"

He did not inform me that I was hopeless as ever. He did not
address me as his good rabbit.

He was silent for a time, and then spoke in a tone which made me
ashamed of mine.

"You see, there are two or three of me now, Bunny: one's at the
bottom of the Mediterranean, and one's an old Australian
desirous of dying in the old country, but in no immediate danger
of dying anywhere. The old Australian doesn't know a soul in
town; he's got to be consistent, or he's done. This sitter
Theobald is his only friend, and has seen rather too much of
him; ordinary dust won't do for his eyes. Begin to see? To
pick you out of a crowd, that was the game; to let old Theobald
help to pick you, better still! To start with, he was dead
against my having anybody at all; wanted me all to himself,
naturally; but anything rather than kill the goose! So he is
to have a fiver a week while he keeps me alive, and he's going
to be married next month. That's a pity in some ways, but a
good thing in others; he will want more money than he foresees,
and he may always be of use to us at a pinch. Meanwhile he
eats out of my hand."

I complimented Raffles on the mere composition of his telegram,
with half the characteristics of my distinguished kinsman
squeezed into a dozen odd words; and let him know how the old
ruffian had really treated me. Raffles was not surprised; we had
dined together at my relative's in the old days, and filed for
reference a professional valuation of his household gods. I now
learnt that the telegram had been posted, with the hour marked
for its despatch, at the pillar nearest Vere Street, on the
night before the advertisement was due to appear in the Daily
Mail. This also had been carefully prearranged; and Raffles's
only fear had been lest it might be held over despite his
explicit instructions, and so drive me to the doctor for an
explanation of his telegram. But the adverse chances had been
weeded out and weeded out to the irreducible minimum of risk.

His greatest risk, according to Raffles, lay nearest home:
bedridden invalid that he was supposed to be, his nightly terror
was of running into Theobald's arms in the immediate
neighborhood of the flat. But Raffles had characteristic
methods of minimizing even that danger, of which something
anon; meanwhile he recounted more than one of his nocturnal
adventures, all, however, of a singularly innocent type; and one
thing I noticed while he talked. His room was the first as you
entered the flat. The long inner wall divided the room not
merely from the passage but from the outer landing as well.
Thus every step upon the bare stone stairs could be heard by
Raffles where he lay; and he would never speak while one was
ascending, until it had passed his door. The afternoon brought
more than one applicant for the post which it was my duty to
tell them that I had already obtained. Between three and four,
however, Raffles, suddenly looking at his watch, packed me off
in a hurry to the other end of London for my things.

"I'm afraid you must be famishing, Bunny. It's a fact that I
eat very little, and that at odd hours, but I ought not to have
forgotten you. Get yourself a snack outside, but not a square
meal if you can resist one. We've got to celebrate this day
this night!"

"To-night?" I cried.

"To-night at eleven, and Kellner's the place. You may well open
your eyes, but we didn't go there much, if you remember, and the
staff seems changed. Anyway we'll risk it for once. I was in
last night, talking like a stage American, and supper's ordered
for eleven sharp."

"You made as sure of me as all that!"

"There was no harm in ordering supper. We shall have it in a
private room, but you may as well dress if you've got the duds."

"They're at my only forgiving relative's."

"How much will get them out, and square you up, and bring you
back bag and baggage in good time?"

I had to calculate.

"A tenner, easily."

"I had one ready for you. Here it is, and I wouldn't lose any
time if I were you. On the way you might look up Theobald, tell
him you've got it and how long you'll be gone, and that I can't
be left alone all the time. And, by Jove, yes! You get me a
stall for the Lyceum at the nearest agent's; there are two or
three in High Street; and say it was given you when you come in.
That young man shall be out of the way to-night."

I found our doctor in a minute consulting-room and his
shirt-sleeves, a tall tumbler at his elbow; at least I caught
sight of the tumbler on entering; thereafter he stood in front
of it, with a futility which had my sympathy.

"So you've got the billet," said Dr. Theobald. "Well, as I told
you before, and as you have since probably discovered for
yourself, you won't find it exactly a sinecure. My own part of
the business is by no means that; indeed, there are those who
would throw up the case, after the kind of treatment that you
have seen for yourself. But professional considerations are not
the only ones, and one cannot make too many allowances in such a
case."

"But what is the case?" I asked him. "You said you would tell
me if I was successful."

Dr. Theobald's shrug was worthy of the profession he seemed
destined to adorn; it was not incompatible with any construction
which one chose to put upon it. Next moment he had stiffened.
I suppose I still spoke more or less like a gentleman. Yet,
after all, I was only the male nurse. He seemed to remember
this suddenly, and he took occasion to remind me of the fact.

"Ah," said he, "that was before I knew you were altogether
without experience; and I must say that I was surprised even at
Mr. Maturin's engaging you after that; but it will depend upon
yourself how long I allow him to persist in so curious an
experiment. As for what is the matter with him, my good fellow,
it is no use my giving you an answer which would be double Dutch
to you; moreover, I have still to test your discretionary
powers. I may say, however, that that poor gentleman presents
at once the most complex and most troublesome case, which is
responsibility enough without certain features which make it all
but insupportable. Beyond this I must refuse to discuss my
patient for the present; but I shall certainly go up if I can
find time."

He went up within five minutes. I found him there on my return
at dusk. But he did not refuse my stall for the Lyceum, which
Raffles would not allow me to use myself, and presented to him
off-hand without my leave.

"And don't you bother any more about me till to-morrow," snapped
the high thin voice as he was off. "I can send for you now when
I want you, and I'm hoping to have a decent night for once."

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