The Foolish Dictionary
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Gideon Wurdz >> The Foolish Dictionary
RHETORIC Language in a dress suit.
RICE An effective field-piece, used for assaulting Chinamen or the
newly-married.
ROQUEFORT A kind of cheese whose odor puts it easily in the first
rank.
ROYCROFTER A successful book-maker on the East Aurora turf. From
Fr. roi, king, and old Saxon crofter, or grafter. King of
Grafters.
RUMOR The long-distance champion of the Human Race--a monster with
more tales
than an octopus.
RUST Physical dullness.
RUSTIC Mental dullness.
Beggars should never be choosers--though the beggar often chews
what he begs.
S
A miss is as good as her smile.
SADDUCEE A person holding skeptical religious views. Hopeless,
hence sad you see.
SAILOR A man who makes his living on water but never touches it on
shore.
SANDWICH An unsuccessful attempt to make both ends meat.
SAUSAGE An aftermath of the dog-days.
SCAFFOLD A work of art that rarely fails to get a hanging.
SCARECROW An operator who repeatedly corners corn, without caws.
SCORCHER A chauffeur in an all-fired hurry.
SCULPTOR A poor unfortunate who makes faces and busts.
SELF-MADE Complimentary term for a respectable crook.
SHAMROCK A three-time loser as a racer at sea, but a four-time
winner as an "ad." for tea--and Sir T.
SHEPHERD One who depends on a crook for a living.
SHIRT Every man's bosom friend.
SILVER A metallic form of opium, smoked by Presidential
impossibilities.
SINNER A stupid person who gets found out.
SNAP A brisk, energetic quality that enables a man with ginger to
take the cake.
SNORE An unfavorable report from headquarters.
SOROSIS A female gas company that lays its pipes on cultivated
grounds.
SPAGHETTI A table-dish eaten only by Italians and jugglers. From
Lat. spadix, branch, or fork, and gestamen, burden. A burden for
the fork.
SPIDER A busy weaver and a good correspondent, who drops a line by
every post.
STARS The greatest astronomers known, having studded the heavens
for ages.
STAYS A sort of straight-jacket employed in reforming women.
STOCKINGS Woman's only savings for A Rainy Day.
STOCKS An unreliable commodity bought and sold by gamblers. If
you win, it's an investment; if you lose, a speculation.
STOVE-PIPE A movable cylinder used as a receptacle for smoke and
profanity.
SPRING Formerly a very delightful season but now obsolete except
in poetry and the Old Farmer's Almanac.
SPINSTER An ember from which the sparks have flown.
SUBWAY In Boston, a place where one may enjoy continuous
disturbance of the peace, disorderly conduct, assault and battery,
riot and rebellion. These events are allowed by law, and the
entry-fee is five cents.
SUCCESS A goal usually reached by those who employ their time in
cultivating a more definite aim in life rather than in searching
for a larger target.
SUMMER An oppressive and expensive season invented by rural
cottage and hotel owners, railroad and steamboat companies and the
Iceman.
SUN A yellow arrival from Way Down East, who goes west daily,
operates a heating and lighting trust, draws water, prints
pictures, develops crops, liquidates the ice business and tans
skins on the side. Profits by his daily rays and always has a
shine.
SYMPATHY Feeling for others very noticeable in Blind Man's Buff.
SYNDICATE A conspiracy to extend the modest business established
by Captain Kidd.
Fortune knocks only once at a man's door--And she's the worst
Knocker in the world.
T
Brevity is the soul of wit--and the sole charm of a bicycle skirt.
TAILOR One who takes your measure on first sight, gives you a fit,
sews you up and follows suit until paid.
TALK A continuous performance playing daily and nightly
engagements, with Woman as the star and Man confined in the Family
Circle.
TELEGRAM A form of correspondence sent by a man in a hurry and
carried by a boy in sleep.
TELEPHONE From Eng. tell, to talk, and Grk. phonos, murder. A
machine in which talk is murdered.
TENNIS A game in which the participants enjoy a racket on the side
and raise the deuce over a net, while the volleys drive them from
set to set and love scores as often as it's mentioned.
TEMPER A quality, the loss of which is likely to make a knife
blade dull and a woman's tongue sharp.
THERMOMETER A short, glass tube that regulates the weather--and
usually does a poor job.
THIRST A sensation immediately following a short session at the
free lunch stand.
TIDE An old friend who comes and goes daily but is all in whenever
he gets over the bay.
TITIAN The color a poor red-headed girl's hair becomes as soon as
her father strikes oil.
TIPS Wages we pay other people's hired help.
TOBACCO A nauseating plant that is consumed by but two creatures;
a large, green worm and--man. The worm doesn't know any better.
TONGUE An unruly member that is frequently put out, yet an artist
who's a hard worker at the palate and a great wag among women.
TOUCH A habit common to the impecunious, causing in its victim a
feeling of faintness, followed by a chill or a sense of loss.
TRANSFER A small bit of paper of remarkable strength, being able
to carry a heavy man several miles.
TROLLEY-CAR A conveyance filled with advertisements, and
occasionally passengers, and operated by Poles.
TROUBLE Something that many are looking for but no one wants.
TRUST A small body of capital entirely surrounded by water.
TWINS Insult added to Injury.
TWISTERS An undesirable thing to have on hand.
Its a wise son who can get two birds with One Bone.
U V
There is a tide in the affairs of men, which, taken at the flood,
leads on to Fortune--But most of us catch our watered stock on the
ebb.
UMBRELLA A good thing to put up in a shower--or pawn-shop; but,
like skating, never seen after Lent.
UNBOSOMED A shirt just returned from a steam laundry.
UNION An ailing individual frequently troubled by scabs and liable
to strike without warning.
UMPIRE No jeweler, but a high authority on diamonds.
USHER One who takes a leading part in a theatre.
VACCINATION Where "jabbing the needle" is never a vice.
VAUDEVILLE From Lat. vaut, good for, and villageois, countryman.
Good for countrymen.
VERANDA An open-air enclosure often used as a spoon-holder.
VEST A waistcoat sold at halfprice.
VIRTUE A quality oftentimes associated with intelligence, but
rarely with beauty.
VULGARITY The conduct of others.
A rolling stone gathers no moss--except at roulette.
W
But a stony roll always gathers the stony stare.
WAITER An Inn-experienced servant.
WAR A wholesale means of making heroes which, if planned in a
small way, would produce only murderers.
WATER A thin substance applied to stocks with which to soak
buyers.
WEDDING A trade in which the bride is generally given away, and
the groom is often sold.
WEEDS Found in gardens and widows. For removing easily, marry the
widow.
WICKEDNESS A myth invented by good people to account for the
singular attractiveness of others.
WIDOW The wife of a golfer during the open season, unless she
golfs, too. In that event the children are golf orphans.
WHISKY Trouble put up in liquid form.
WIND An aerial phenomenon, superinduced by an ephemeral agitation
of the nebular strata, whereby air, (hot or cold), impelled into
transitory activity, generates a prolonged passage through space,
owing to certain occult ethereal stimuli, and results in zephyrs,
breezes, blows, blow-outs, blizzards, gales, simoons, hurricanes,
tornadoes or typhoons. Barred from Kansas Cyclone-cellars but
frequently blended with Chicago tongue--canned or conversational.
WOMAN An aspiring creature whose political sphere is still
slightly flattened at the polls.
WORD Something you must keep after giving it to another.
WORRY A state of mind that leads some persons to fear, every time
the tide goes out, that it won't come in again.
WRINKLES A merchant's trade-marks.
It's the first straw hat which shows how the wind blows.
X Y Z
A Ride goeth before a Fall.--See Automobile, Bucking Broncho,
Bicycle, Air-Ship, Patrol-Wagon, Rail, and Go-Cart.
X RAYS Ten dollars from a friend.
YARN An essential in fabrication--either woven or narrated. Mill
yarns are highly colored; those spun at sea much more so.
YAWL Either the shape of a boat or the sound of a cat, but never a
cat-boat.
YAWNS The air-breaks on a sleeper.
YEAR A period originally including 365 days, now 325, since the
other 40 are Lent.
YELLOW FEVER A passion for reading the Hearst newspapers.
YOLK The legacy of the hen and the burden of its lay.
YOKE The inheritance of the hen-pecked and the burden of the
married.
YULE-LOG A Christmas protege of the grate, too young to smoke, too
tough to burn and too green to warm up to anybody.
YOUTH The dynamo that makes the world go round; a product of its
own generation, with its wires carrying Power into the high places
of Earth and with its currents of Thought short-circuited only by
bigoted Old Age.
ZEALOT One who loves morality so well he will commit crime to
maintain it.
ZEBRA The crook among horses, condemned to wear stripes for life.
ZERO Originally, nothing; but now meaning a good deal on a
thermometer or bank-draft, and comprising two-thirds of the 400.
ZIGZAG The popular route after a heavy dinner. Old adage, "The
longest way round is the drunkard's way home!"
ZOUAVE The original Mrs. Bloomer.
Postage and Postal Information.
How to Mail a Letter.
After writing it, place it in a square or oblong envelope--round
ones are no longer fashionable--seal it on the back and write a
legible address on the front; then take a two-cent stamp, give it a
good licking and retire it to the corner--the upper, right-hand
corner, on the outside--never inside, as the postmaster is not a
clairvoyant. Drop it in a letter box and trust to luck. If it's a
love letter, it will probably reach her all right, for Cupid is a
faithful postman and carries a stout pair of wings. If it's a
bill, by all means have it registered; otherwise, your debtor will
swear he never got it. If it's cash for your tailor, heed the
post-office warning, "Don't send money through the mails." Wait
until you happen to meet him on the street. If he sees you first,
you lose.
First-class Matter.
Anything you are ashamed to have the postmaster or postmistress
read, and therefore seal up, is known as first-class matter. Also,
postal cards, where you're only allowed to argue on one side. If
you think your letter should travel slowly, invest ten cents in a
Special Delivery Stamp. This will insure a nice, leisurely
journey, lasting from one to two days longer than by the cheap two-
cent route.
Second-class Matter.
This class was originated for the benefit of Patent Medicine
Mixers, who print circulars on "What Ails You" four times a year,
and pepper the land with "Before-and-after-taking" caricatures, at
the rate of one cent a pound.
Third-class Matter.
While the quack nostrums travel second-class for one cent a pound,
books, engravings, manuscript copy, and works of art have to go
third-class and are taxed one cent for every two ounces. They must
also be left open for inspection, thus affording the post-office
employee a fleeting acquaintance with something really useful.
Fourth-class Matter.
Everything not included in the above, except poisons, explosives,
live animals, insects, inflammable articles, and things giving off
a bad odor. The last two do not include The Police Gazette or The
Philistine.
A Few Mythological and Classical Names.
Brought down to date in brief Notes by the Editor.
ACHILLES. A courageous Greek, who did a general slaughtering
business in Troy in 1180 B. C., but was finally pinked in the heel--
his only vulnerable spot--and died.
Long life often depends on being well heeled.
ADONIS. A beautiful youth, beloved by Venus and killed by a boar.
Bores have been the death of us ever since.
BACCHUS. A brewer, who supplied the Gods with nectar, the beer
that made Olympus famous.
Those desiring a drink, please ask Dickens if "Bacchus is willin'."
CASTOR AND POLLOX. Two clever sports and twin brothers from
Greece, Castor being a horse-trainer and Pollux a pugilist, whose
sister, Helen, a respectable, married woman, disgraced the family
by eloping with Paris.
Just because a man can break a broncho or win a prize fight, it's
no sign he can manage a woman.
CERBERUS. A dog with three heads, a serpent's tail and several
snakes around his neck, who guarded the main entrance to Hades.
When a man begins to see snakes and one head looks like three, it's
a cinch he's not far from Hell.
CHARON. The gloomy gondolier of the Styx, who carried the dead to
the Other World--if they paid him first.
And even to-day, he who patronizes Rapid Transit must pay his fare
in advance.
CUPID. The son of Venus and the God of Love, who with bow and
arrows punctured men's bosoms with the darts of admiration.
But now-a-days the arrow's not in it with a snug bathing suit or a
decollette gown.
DAEDALUS. The original Santos Dumont, who invented and
successfully operated a flying-machine that would fly. His son,
Icarus, tried the trick, went too high and fell into the sea.
A flier frequently precedes a fall--especially in Wall Street.
DIANA. The goddess of the chase; unmarried.
And this is very fitting. May the chase always be for the
unmarried only!
HERCULES. The Gritty Greek (no relation to the Terrible Turk), an
independent laborer, who always had a good job awaiting him.
It is interesting to recall the days when non-union labor had all
the work it wanted.
IXION. A king of Thessaly, who for his sins was broken on a wheel.
And men have been going broke on "the wheel" ever since.
LOTUS EATERS. A gang of ancient vegetarians, who chewed leaves and
went to sleep.
Now succeeded by a club of New Yorkers, who chew the rag and keep
awake.
MERCURY. A celestial messenger-boy, who wore wings on his shoes
and knew how "to get there" in a hurry.
Now they all wear hobbles, and never exceed the speed limit in a
public thoroughfare.
MIDAS. A Greek king, who had the power of turning into gold all
that he touched.
That's nothing! There are plenty of men to-day who always get gold
whoever they touch.
SAPPHO. A love-lorn poetess, who, failing to win the man she first
loved, cured herself by jumping into the Mediterranean.
She probably acted on the old advice, "There's plenty more fish in
the sea!"
TANTALUS. A proud king, who suffered in Hades the agonies of
hunger and thirst, with food and drink always in sight, but always
beyond reach.
Here on earth, the 50-cent table d'hote accomplishes the same
result--besides costing you the fifty.
TROY. An ancient, oriental city, which took in a wooden horse and
saw the domestic finish of Helen and Paris.
Do not confuse with Troy, N. Y., where they only take in washing
and provide a domestic finish for collars and shirts.
VULCAN. The Olympian blacksmith, who always had his hammer with
him.
But not all who carry hammers are blacksmiths.
Legal and Local Holidays in the United States.
JANUARY 1, New Year's Day. On this day the Flowing Bowl is filled--
and emptied--and the Genial Palm circulated in forty-three States
and Territories out of forty-nine. In Massachusetts, New
Hampshire, Rhode Island, Arkansas, Oklahoma and the Indian
Territory there is no celebration. The natives are too busy
collecting good resolutions and bad bills.
FEBRUARY 22, Washington's Birthday. (George, not Booker), is
remembered by thirty-eight of the States. On this day, in the
public schools, are shown pictures of George Chopping the Cherry
Tree and Breaking Up the Delaware Ice Trust, Valley Forge in
Winter, and Mt. Vernon on a Busy Day. The Pride of the Class
recites Washington's "Farewell to the Army," Minnie the Spieler
belabors the piano with the "Washington Post March," and the
scholars all eat Washington Pie, made of "Columbia, the Jam of the
Ocean."
MARCH 17, St. Patrick's Day and Evacuation Day, when the British
redcoats got out of Boston and Patrick evicted the snakes from
Ireland. For observing the day, wear a turkey-red coat, or vest,
and put a bit of green ribbon, or a shamrock, in the buttonhole--
the green above the red. On Easter day, wear a scrambled egg in
the same place.
APRIL 19, Patriot's Day. A New England successor to FAST DAY--the
slowest day of the year. Originally invented for Fasting and
Prayer. Now used exclusively for opening the Baseball Season,
Locating a Seashore Home for the Summer, and watching Red-Shirted
Diogenes at his Tub.
Little drops of water,
Little lines of hose,
Make the mighty Muster
As ev'ry Laddie knows.
MAY 1, Moving Day. Observed everywhere by The Restless Tenant.
APRIL 26; MAY 30 Memorial Days In "Dixie"; In the North. A
Symphony in Blue and Gray.
JUNE 17, Bunker Hill Day. Celebrated in Boston, Mass., by a
procession of the Ancient and horrible Distillery Company, a few of
the City Fathers in hacks, a picked bunch of Navy Yard sailors and
occasionally a few samples from a Wild West Show. For 24 hours,
pistols and firecrackers are allowed to mutilate Young America ad
lib.
JULY 4, Independence Day. A national holiday, invented for the
benefit of popcorn and peanut promoters; tin horn and toy-balloon
vendors; lemonade chemists; dealers in explosives; physicians and
surgeons. A grand chance for the citizen-soldier to hear the roar
of battle, smell powder, shoot the neighbor's cat, and lose a
night's rest--or a finger.
LABOR DAY, First Monday in September. The only day when labor
works overtime. An occasion when the workingman takes a cane in
place of a dinner-pail and proudly tramps the streets behind a real
silk banner and a Hod Carrier on a Cart Horse.
THANKSGIVING DAY (Last Thursday in November). A day devoted to the
annual division of Turkey--with Greece on the side--by the Hung'ry
folks.
DECEMBER 25, Christmas Day. Another national holiday, marked by
the following observances: Filling the young and helpless with a
lot of fiction about Santa Claus, the old chimney fakir, who went
up the flue long ago; making a clothesline of the mantelpiece and
robbing the forest of its young; swapping several things we'd like
to keep for a lot of stuff we don't want; and, finally, putting on
in church a Sunday night performance of light opera, known as "The
Sabbath School Concert."