The Master of Mrs. Chilvers
J >>
Jerome K. Jerome >> The Master of Mrs. Chilvers
This etext was prepared by David Price, email ccx074@coventry.ac.uk
from the 1911 T. Fisher Unwin edition.
THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS--AN IMPROBABLE COMEDY
by Jerome K. Jerome
THE FIRST ACT
SCENE: Drawing-room, 91, Russell Square.
TIME: 3 p.m.
THE SECOND ACT
SCENE: Liberal Committee Room, East India Dock Road.
TIME: 5 p.m.
THE THIRD ACT
SCENE: The Town Hall, East Poplar.
TIME: 10 p.m.
THE FOURTH ACT
SCENE: Russell Square
TIME: Midnight
THE CAST OF "THE MASTER OF MRS. CHILVERS"
AS IT WAS PRODUCED AT THE ROYALTY THEATRE, LONDON, ON APRIL 26TH,
1911, UNDER THE MANAGEMENT OF MESSRS. VEDRENNE & EADIE.
Lady Mogton Mary Rorke
Annys Chilvers Lena Ashwell
Phoebe Mogton Ethel Dane
Janet Blake Gillian Scaife
Mrs. Mountcalm Villiers Sarah Brooke
Elizabeth Spender Auriol Lee
Rose Merton Esme Beringer
Mrs. Chinn Sydney Fairbrother
Geoffrey Chilvers, M.P. Dennis Eadie
Dorian St. Herbert Leon Quartermaine
Ben Lamb, M.P. A. E. Benedict
William Gordon Edmund Gwenn
Sigsby Michael Sherbrooke
Hake H. B. Tabberer
Mr. Peekin Gerald Mirrielees
Mr. Hopper Stanley Logan
Mrs. Peekin Rowena Jerome
Miss Borlasse Cathleen Nesbitt
Miss Ricketts Hetta Bartlett
CHARACTERS IN THE PLAY
GEOFFREY CHILVERS, M.P. [President Men's League for the Extension
of the Franchise to Women] A loving husband, and (would-be)
affectionate father. Like many other good men, he is in sympathy
with the Woman's Movement: "not thinking it is coming in his
time."
ANNYS CHILVERS [nee Mogton, Hon. Sec. Women's Parliamentary
Franchise League] A loving wife, and (would-be) affection mother.
Many thousands of years have gone to her making. A generation ago,
she would have been the ideal woman: the ideal helpmeet. But new
ideas are stirring in her blood, a new ideal of womanhood is
forcing itself upon her.
LADY MOGTON [President W.P.F.L.] She knows she would be of more
use in Parliament than many of the men who are there; is naturally
annoyed at the Law's stupidity in keeping her out.
PHOEBE MOGTON [Org. Sec. W.P.F.L.] The new girl, thinking more of
politics than of boys. But that will probably pass.
JANET BLAKE [Jt. Org. Sec. W.P.F.L.] She dreams of a new heaven
and a new earth when woman has the vote.
MRS. MOUNTCALM VILLIERS [Vice-President W.P.F.L.] She was getting
tired of flirting. The Woman's Movement has arrived just at the
right moment.
ELIZABETH SPENDER [Hons. Treas. W.P.F.L.] She sees woman
everywhere the slave of man: now pampered, now beaten, but ever
the slave. She can see no hope of freedom but through warfare.
MRS. CHINN A mother.
JAWBONES A bill-poster. Movements that do not fit in with the
essentials of life on thirty shillings a week have no message so
far as Jawbones is concerned.
GINGER Whose proper name is Rose Merton, and who has to reconcile
herself to the fact that so far as her class is concerned the
primaeval laws still run.
DORIAN ST. HERBERT [Hon. Sec. M.L.E.F.W.] He is interested in all
things, the Woman's Movement included.
BEN LAMB, M.P. As a student of woman, he admits to being in the
infants' class.
SIGSBY An Election Agent. He thinks the modern woman suffers from
over-indulgence. He would recommend to her the teachings of St.
Paul.
HAKE A butler. He does not see how to avoid his wife being
practically a domestic servant without wages.
A DEPUTATION It consists of two men and three women. Superior
people would call them Cranks. But Cranks have been of some
service to the world, and the use of superior people is still to be
discovered.
THE FIRST ACT
SCENE:- Drawing-room, 91, Russell Square.
TIME:- Afternoon.
[MRS. ELIZABETH SPENDER sits near the fire, reading a book. She is
a tall, thin woman, with passionate eyes, set in an oval face of
olive complexion; the features are regular and severe; her massive
dark hair is almost primly arranged. She wears a tailor-made
costume, surmounted by a plain black hat. The door opens and
PHOEBE enters, shown in by HAKE, the butler, a thin, ascetic-
looking man of about thirty, with prematurely grey hair. PHOEBE
MOGTON is of the Fluffy Ruffles type, petite, with a retrousse
nose, remarkably bright eyes, and a quantity of fluffy light hair,
somewhat untidily arranged. She is fashionably dressed in the
fussy, flyaway style. ELIZABETH looks up; the two young women
shake hands.]
PHOEBE Good woman. 'Tisn't three o'clock yet, is it?
ELIZABETH About five minutes to.
PHOEBE Annys is on her way. I just caught her in time. [To
HAKE.] Put a table and six chairs. Give mamma a hammer and a
cushion at her back.
HAKE A hammer, miss?
PHOEBE A chairman's hammer. Haven't you got one?
HAKE I'm afraid not, miss. Would a gravy spoon do?
PHOEBE [To ELIZABETH, after expression of disgust.] Fancy a house
without a chairman's hammer! [To HAKE.] See that there's
something. Did your wife go to the meeting last night?
HAKE [He is arranging furniture according to instructions.] I'm
not quite sure, miss. I gave her the evening out.
PHOEBE "Gave her the evening out"!
ELIZABETH We are speaking of your wife, man, not your servant.
HAKE Yes, miss. You see, we don't keep servants in our class.
Somebody's got to put the children to bed.
ELIZABETH Why not the man--occasionally?
HAKE Well, you see, miss, in my case, I rarely getting home much
before midnight, it would make it so late. Yesterday being my
night off, things fitted in, so to speak. Will there be any
writing, miss?
PHOEBE Yes. See that there's plenty of blotting-paper. [To
ELIZABETH.] Mamma always splashes so.
HAKE Yes, miss. [He goes out.]
ELIZABETH Did you ever hear anything more delightfully naive? He
"gave" her the evening out. That's how they think of us--as their
servants. The gentleman hasn't the courage to be straightforward
about it. The butler blurts out the truth. Why are we meeting
here instead of at our own place?
PHOEBE For secrecy, I expect. Too many gasbags always about the
office. I fancy--I'm not quite sure--that mamma's got a new idea.
ELIZABETH Leading to Holloway?
PHOEBE Well, most roads lead there.
ELIZABETH And end there--so far as I can see.
PHOEBE You're too impatient.
ELIZABETH It's what our friends have been telling us--for the last
fifty years.
PHOEBE Look here, if it was only the usual sort of thing mamma
wouldn't want it kept secret. I'm inclined to think it's a new
departure altogether.
[The door opens. There enters JANET BLAKE, followed by HAKE, who
proceeds with his work. JANET BLAKE is a slight, fragile-looking
creature, her great dark eyes--the eyes of a fanatic--emphasise the
pallor of her childish face. She is shabbily dressed; a plain,
uninteresting girl until she smiles, and then her face becomes
quite beautiful. PHOEBE darts to meet her.] Good girl. Was
afraid--I say, you're wet through.
JANET It was only a shower. The 'buses were all full. I had to
ride outside.
PHOEBE Silly kid, why didn't you take a cab?
JANET I've been reckoning it up. I've been half over London
chasing Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers. Cabs would have come, at the very
least, to twelve-and-six.
PHOEBE Well -
JANET [To ELIZABETH.] Well--I want you to put me down as a
contributor for twelve-and-six. [She smiles.] It's the only way I
can give.
PHOEBE [She is taking off JANET'S cloak; throws it to HAKE.] Have
this put somewhere to dry. [She pushes JANET to the fire.] Get
near the fire. You're as cold as ice.
ELIZABETH All the seats inside, I suppose, occupied by the
chivalrous sex.
JANET Oh, there was one young fellow offered to give me up his
place, but I wouldn't let him. You see, we're claiming equality.
[Smiles.]
ELIZABETH And are being granted it--in every direction where it
works to the convenience of man.
PHOEBE [Laughs.] Is she coming--the Villiers woman?
JANET Yes. I ran her down at last--at her dress-maker's. She
made an awful fuss about it, but I wouldn't leave till she'd
promised. Tell me, it's something quite important, isn't it?
PHOEBE I don't know anything, except that I had an urgent telegram
from mamma this morning to call a meeting of the entire Council
here at three o'clock. She's coming up from Manchester on purpose.
[To HAKE.] Mrs. Chilvers hasn't returned yet, has she?
HAKE Not yet, miss. Shall I telephone -
PHOEBE [Shakes her head.] No; it's all right. I have seen her.
Let her know we are here the moment she comes in.
HAKE Yes, miss. [He has finished the arrangements. The table has
been placed in the centre of the room, six chairs round it, one of
them being a large armchair. He has placed writing materials and a
large silver gravy spoon. He is going.]
PHOEBE Why aren't you sure your wife wasn't at the meeting last
night? Didn't she say anything?
HAKE Well, miss, unfortunately, just as she was starting, Mrs.
Comerford--that's the wife of the party that keeps the shop
downstairs--looked in with an order for the theatre.
PHOEBE Oh!
HAKE So I thought it best to ask no questions.
PHOEBE Thank you.
HAKE Thank you, miss. [He goes out.]
ELIZABETH Can nothing be done to rouse the working-class woman out
of her apathy?
PHOEBE Well, if you ask me, I think a good deal has been done.
ELIZABETH Oh, what's the use of our deceiving ourselves? The
great mass are utterly indifferent.
JANET [She is seated in an easy-chair near the fire.] I was
talking to a woman only yesterday--in Bethnal Green. She keeps a
husband and three children by taking in washing. "Lord, miss," she
laughed, "what would we do with the vote if we did have it? Only
one thing more to give to the men."
PHOEBE That's rather good.
ELIZABETH The curse of it is that it's true. Why should they put
themselves out merely that one man instead of another should
dictate their laws to them?
PHOEBE My dear girl, precisely the same argument was used against
the Second Reform Bill. What earthly difference could it make to
the working men whether Tory Squire or Liberal capitalist ruled
over them? That was in 1868. To-day, fifty-four Labour Members
sit in Parliament. At the next election they will hold the
balance.
ELIZABETH Ah, if we could only hold out THAT sort of hope to them!
[ANNYS enters. She is in outdoor costume. She kisses PHOEBE,
shakes hands with the other two. ANNYS's age is about twenty-five.
She is a beautiful, spiritual-looking creature, tall and graceful,
with a manner that is at the same time appealing and commanding.
Her voice is soft and caressing, but capable of expressing all the
emotions. Her likeness to her younger sister PHOEBE is of the
slightest: the colouring is the same, and the eyes that can flash,
but there the similarity ends. She is simply but well dressed.
Her soft hair makes a quiet but wonderfully effective frame to her
face.]
ANNYS [She is taking off her outdoor things.] Hope I'm not late.
I had to look in at Caxton House. Why are we holding it here?
PHOEBE Mamma's instructions. Can't tell you anything more except
that I gather the matter's important, and is to be kept secret.
ANNYS Mamma isn't here, is she?
PHOEBE [Shakes her head.] Reaches St. Pancras at two-forty.
[Looks at her watch.] Train's late, I expect.
[HAKE has entered.]
ANNYS [She hands HAKE her hat and coat.] Have something ready in
case Lady Mogton hasn't lunched. Is your master in?
HAKE A messenger came for him soon after you left, ma'am. I was
to tell you he would most likely be dining at the House.
ANNYS Thank you.
[HAKE goes out.]
ANNYS [To ELIZABETH.] I so want you to meet Geoffrey. He'll
alter your opinion of men.
ELIZABETH My opinion of men has been altered once or twice--each
time for the worse.
ANNYS Why do you dislike men?
ELIZABETH [With a short laugh.] Why does the slave dislike the
slave-owner?
PHOEBE Oh, come off the perch. You spend five thousand a year
provided for you by a husband that you only see on Sundays. We'd
all be slaves at that price.
ELIZABETH The chains have always been stretched for the few. My
sympathies are with my class.
ANNYS But men like Geoffrey--men who are devoting their whole time
and energy to furthering our cause; what can you have to say
against them?
ELIZABETH Simply that they don't know what they're doing. The
French Revolution was nursed in the salons of the French nobility.
When the true meaning of the woman's movement is understood we
shall have to get on without the male sympathiser.
[A pause.]
ANNYS What do you understand is the true meaning of the woman's
movement?
ELIZABETH The dragging down of man from his position of supremacy.
What else can it mean?
ANNYS Something much better. The lifting up of woman to be his
partner.
ELIZABETH My dear Annys, the men who to-day are advocating votes
for women are doing so in the hope of securing obedient supporters
for their own political schemes. In New Zealand the working man
brings his female relations in a van to the poll, and sees to it
that they vote in accordance with his orders. When man once grasps
the fact that woman is not going to be his henchman, but his rival,
men and women will face one another as enemies.
[The door opens. HAKE announces LADY MOGTON and DORIAN ST.
HERBERT. LADY MOGTON is a large, strong-featured woman, with a
naturally loud voice. She is dressed with studied carelessness.
DORIAN ST. HERBERT, K.C., is a tall, thin man, about thirty. He is
elegantly, almost dandily dressed.]
ANNYS [Kissing her mother.] Have you had lunch?
LADY MOGTON In the train.
PHOEBE [Who has also kissed her mother and shaken hands with ST.
HERBERT.] We are all here except Villiers. She's coming. Did you
have a good meeting?
LADY MOGTON Fairly. Some young fool had chained himself to a
pillar and thrown the key out of window.
PHOEBE What did you do?
LADY MOGTON Tied a sack over his head and left him there.
[She turns aside for a moment to talk to ST. HERBERT, who has taken
some papers from his despatch-box.]
ANNYS [To ELIZABETH.] We must finish out our talk some other
time. You are quite wrong.
ELIZABETH Perhaps.
LADY MOGTON We had better begin. I have only got half an hour.
JANET I saw Mrs. Villiers. She promised she'd come.
LADY MOGTON You should have told her we were going to be
photographed. Then she'd have been punctual. [She has taken her
seat at the table. ST. HERBERT at her right.] Better put another
chair in case she does turn up.
JANET [Does so.] Shall I take any notes?
LADY MOGTON No. [To ANNYS.] Give instructions that we are not to
be interrupted for anything. [ANNYS rings bell.]
ST. HERBERT [He turns to PHOEBE, on his right.] Have you heard
the latest?
There was an old man of Hong Kong,
Whose language was terribly strong.
[Enter HAKE. He brings a bottle and glass, which he places.]
ANNYS Oh, Hake, please, don't let us be interrupted for anything.
If Mrs. Mountcalm-Villiers comes, show her up. But nobody else.
HAKE Yes, ma'am.
ST. HERBERT [Continuing.]
It wasn't the words
That frightened the birds,
'Twas the 'orrible double-entendre.
LADY MOGTON [Who has sat waiting in grim silence.] Have you
finished?
ST. HERBERT Quite finished.
LADY MOGTON Thank you. [She raps for silence.] You will
understand, please, all, that this is a private meeting of the
Council. Nothing that transpires is to be allowed to leak out.
[There is a murmur.] Silence, please, for Mr. St. Herbert.
ST. HERBERT Before we begin, I should like to remind you, ladies,
that you are, all of you, persons mentally deficient -
[The door opens. MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS enters, announced by
HAKE. She is a showily-dressed, flamboyant lady.]
[HAKE goes out.]
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS I AM so sorry. I have only just this
minute--[She catches sight of ST. HERBERT.] You naughty creature,
why weren't you at my meeting last night? The Rajah came with both
his wives. We've elected them, all three, honorary members.
LADY MOGTON Do you mind sitting down?
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS Here, dear? [She takes the vacant chair.]
So nice of you. I read about your meeting. What a clever idea!
LADY MOGTON [Cuts her short.] Yes. We are here to consider a
very important matter. By way of commencement Mr. St. Herbert has
just reminded us that in the eye of the law all women are
imbeciles.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS I know, dear. Isn't it shocking?
ST. HERBERT Deplorable; but of course not your fault. I mention
it because of its importance to the present matter. Under Clause A
of the Act for the Better Regulation, &c., &c., all persons
"mentally deficient" are debarred from becoming members of
Parliament. The classification has been held to include idiots,
infants, and women.
[An interruption. LADY MOGTON hammers.]
Bearing this carefully in mind, we proceed. [He refers to his
notes.] Two years ago a bye-election took place for the South-west
division of Belfast.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS My dear, may I? It has just occurred to
me. Why do we never go to Ireland?
LADY MOGTON For various sufficient reasons.
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS So many of the Irish members have
expressed themselves quite sympathetically.
LADY MOGTON We wish them to continue to do so. [Turns to ST.
HERBERT.] I'm sorry.
ST. HERBERT A leader of the Orange Party was opposed by a
Nationalist, and the proceedings promised to be lively. They
promised for a while to be still livelier, owing to the nomination
at the last moment of the local lunatic.
PHOEBE [To ANNYS.] This is where we come in.
ST. HERBERT There is always a local lunatic, who, if harmless, is
generally a popular character. James Washington McCaw appears to
have been a particularly cheerful specimen. One of his
eccentricities was to always have a skipping-rope in his pocket;
wherever the traffic allowed it, he would go through the streets
skipping. He said it kept him warm. Another of his tricks was to
let off fireworks from the roof of his house whenever he heard of
the death of anybody of importance. The Returning Officer refused
his nomination--which, so far as his nominators were concerned, was
intended only as a joke--on the grounds of his being by common
report a person of unsound mind. And there, so far as South-west
Belfast was concerned, the matter ended.
PHOEBE Pity.
ST. HERBERT But not so far as the Returning Officer was concerned.
McCaw appears to have been a lunatic possessed of means, imbued
with all an Irishman's love of litigation. He at once brought an
action against the Returning Officer, his contention being that his
mental state was a private matter, of which the Returning Officer
was not the person to judge.
PHOEBE He wasn't a lunatic all over.
ST. HERBERT We none of us are. The case went from court to court.
In every instance the decision was in favour of the Returning
Officer. Until it reached the House of Lords. The decision was
given yesterday afternoon--in favour of the man McCaw.
ELIZABETH Then lunatics, at all events, are not debarred from
going to the poll.
ST. HERBERT The "mentally deficient" are no longer debarred from
going to the poll.
ELIZABETH What grounds were given for the decision?
ST. HERBERT [He refers again to his notes.] A Returning Officer
can only deal with objections arising out of the nomination paper.
He has no jurisdiction to go behind a nomination paper and
constitute himself a court of inquiry as to the fitness or
unfitness of a candidate.
PHOEBE Good old House of Lords!
[LADY MOGTON hammers.]
ELIZABETH But I thought it was part of the Returning Officer's
duty to inquire into objections, that a special time was appointed
to deal with them.
ST. HERBERT He will still be required to take cognisance of any
informality in the nomination paper or papers. Beyond that, this
decision relieves him of all further responsibility.
JANET But this gives us everything.
ST. HERBERT It depends upon what you call everything. It gives a
woman the right to go to the poll--a right which, as a matter of
fact, she has always possessed.
PHOEBE Then why did the Returning Officer for Camberwell in 1885 -
ST. HERBERT Because he did not know the law. And Miss Helen
Taylor had not the means possessed by our friend McCaw to teach it
to him.
ANNYS [Rises. She goes to the centre of the room.]
LADY MOGTON Where are you going?
ANNYS [She turns; there are tears in her eyes. The question seems
to recall her to herself.] Nowhere. I am so sorry. I can't help
it. It seems to me to mean so much. It gives us the right to go
before the people--to plead to them, not for ourselves, for them.
[Again she seems to lose consciousness of those at the table, of
the room.] To the men we will say: "Will you not trust us? Is it
harm we have ever done you? Have we not suffered for you and with
you? Were we not sent into the world to be your helpmeet? Are not
the children ours as well as yours? Shall we not work together to
shape the world where they must dwell? Is it only the mother-voice
that shall not be heard in your councils? Is it only the mother-
hand that shall not help to guide?" To the women we will say:
"Tell them--tell them it is from no love of ourselves that we come
from our sheltered homes into the street. It is to give, not to
get--to mingle with the sterner judgments of men the deeper truths
that God, through pain, has taught to women--to mingle with man's
justice woman's pity, till there shall arise the perfect law--not
made of man nor woman, but of both, each bringing what the other
lacks." And they will listen to us. Till now it has seemed to
them that we were clamouring only for selfish ends. They have not
understood. We shall speak to them of common purposes, use the
language of fellow-citizens. They will see that we are worthy of
the place we claim. They will welcome us as helpers in a common
cause. They -
[She turns--the present comes back to her.]
LADY MOGTON [After a pause.] The business [she dwells severely on
the word] before the meeting -
ANNYS [She resents herself meekly. Apologising generally.] I
must learn to control myself.
LADY MOGTON [Who has waited.]--is McCaw versus Potts. Its bearing
upon the movement for the extension of the franchise to women. My
own view I venture to submit in the form of a resolution. [She
takes up a paper on which she has been writing.] As follows: That
the Council of the Woman's Parliamentary Franchise League, having
regard to the decision of the House of Lords in McCaw v. Potts -
ST. HERBERT [Looking over.] Two t's.
LADY MOGTON --resolves to bring forward a woman candidate to
contest the next bye-election. [Suddenly to MRS. MOUNTCALM-
VILLIERS, who is chattering.] Do you agree or disagree?
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS My dear! How can you ask? Of course we
all agree. [To Elizabeth.] You agree, don't you?
ELIZABETH Of course, even if elected, she would not be allowed to
take her seat.
PHOEBE How do you know? Nothing more full of surprises than
English law.
LADY MOGTON At the present stage I regard that point as
immaterial. What I am thinking of is the advertisement. A female
candidate upon the platform will concentrate the whole attention of
the country on our movement.
ST. HERBERT It might even be prudent--until you have got the vote-
-to keep it dark that you will soon be proceeding to the next
inevitable step.
ELIZABETH You think even man could be so easily deceived!
ST. HERBERT Man has had so much practice in being deceived. It
comes naturally to him.
ELIZABETH Poor devil!
LADY MOGTON The only question remaining to be discussed is the
candidate.
ANNYS Is there not danger that between now and the next bye-
election the Government may, having regard to this case, bring in a
bill to stop women candidates from going to the poll?
ST. HERBERT I have thought of that. Fortunately, the case seems
to have attracted very little attention. If a bye-election
occurred soon there would hardly be time.
LADY MOGTON It must be the very next one that does occur--wherever
it is.
JANET I am sure that in the East End we should have a chance.
PHOEBE Great Scott! Just think. If we were to win it!
ST. HERBERT If you could get a straight fight against a Liberal I
believe you would.
ANNYS Why is the Government so unpopular?
ST. HERBERT Well, take the weather alone--twelve degrees of frost
again last night.
JANET In St. George's Road the sewer has burst. The water is in
the rooms where the children are sleeping. [She clenches her
hands.]
MRS. MOUNTCALM-VILLIERS [She shakes her head.] Something ought
really to be done.
LADY MOGTON Has anybody any suggestion to make?--as regards the
candidate. There's no advantage in going outside. It will have to
be one of ourselves.