The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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I have now, dear Phillips, filled a whole sheet, and if you have
read it to an end, I dare say, you are as tired as

Your humble servant,
J. MELFORD
LONDON, June 2.

To Dr LEWIS.

Yes, Doctor, I have seen the British Museum; which is a noble
collection, and even stupendous, if we consider it was made by a
private man, a physician, who was obliged to make his own for
tune at the same time: but great as the collection is, it would
appear more striking if it was arranged in one spacious saloon,
instead of being divided into different apartments, which it does
not entirely fill -- I could wish the series of medals was
connected, and the whole of the animal, vegetable, and mineral
kingdoms completed, by adding to each, at the public expence,
those articles that are wanting. It would likewise be a great
improvement, with respect to the library, if the deficiencies
were made up, by purchasing all the books of character that are
not to be found already in the collection -- They might be classed
in centuries, according to the dates of their publication, and
catalogues printed of them and the manuscripts, for the
information of those that want to consult, or compile from such
authorities. I could also wish, for the honour of the nation,
that there was a complete apparatus for a course of mathematics,
mechanics, and experimental philosophy; and a good salary settled
upon an able professor, who should give regular lectures on these
subjects.

But this is all idle speculation, which will never be reduced to
practice -- Considering the temper of the times, it is a wonder to
see any institution whatsoever established for the benefit of the
Public. The spirit of party is risen to a kind of phrenzy,
unknown to former ages, or rather degenerated to a total
extinction of honesty and candour -- You know I have observed, for
some time, that the public papers are become the infamous
vehicles of the most cruel and perfidious defamation: every
rancorous knave every desperate incendiary, that can afford to
spend half a crown or three shillings, may skulk behind the press
of a newsmonger, and have a stab at the first character in the
kingdom, without running the least hazard of detection or
punishment.

I have made acquaintance with a Mr Barton, whom Jery knew at
Oxford; a good sort of a man, though most ridiculously warped in
his political principles; but his partiality is the less
offensive, as it never appears in the stile of scurrility and
abuse. He is a member of parliament, and a retainer to the court;
and his whole conversation turns upon the virtues and perfections
of the ministers, who are his patrons. T'other day, when he was
bedaubing one of those worthies, with the most fulsome praise, I
told him I had seen the same nobleman characterised very
differently, in one of the daily-papers; indeed, so stigmatized,
that if one half of what was said of him was true, he must be not
only unfit to rule, but even unfit to live: that those
impeachments had been repeated again and again, with the addition
of fresh matter; and that as he had taken no steps towards his
own vindication, I began to think there was some foundation for
the charge. 'And pray, Sir (said Mr Barton), what steps would you
have him take? Suppose he should prosecute the publisher, who
screens the anonymous accuser, and bring him to the pillory for a
libel; this is so far from being counted a punishment, in
terrorem, that it will probably make his fortune. The multitude
immediately take him into their protection, as a martyr to the
cause of defamation, which they have always espoused. They pay his
fine, they contribute to the increase of his stock, his shop is
crowded with customers, and the sale of his paper rises in
proportion to the scandal it contains. All this time the
prosecutor is inveighed against as a tyrant and oppressor, for
having chosen to proceed by the way of information, which is
deemed a grievance; but if he lays an action for damages, he must
prove the damage, and I leave you to judge, whether a gentleman's
character may not be brought into contempt, and all his views in
life blasted by calumny, without his being able to specify the
particulars of the damage he has sustained.

'This spirit of defamation is a kind of heresy, that thrives
under persecution. The liberty of the press is a term of great
efficacy; and like that of the Protestant religion, has often
served the purposes of sedition -- A minister, therefore, must arm
himself with patience, and bear those attacks without repining --
Whatever mischief they may do in other respects, they certainly
contribute, in one particular, to the advantages of government;
for those defamatory articles have multiplied papers in such a
manner, and augmented their sale to such a degree, that the duty
upon stamps and advertisements has made a very considerable
addition to the revenue.' Certain it is, a gentleman's honour is
a very delicate subject to be handled by a jury, composed of men,
who cannot be supposed remarkable either for sentiment or
impartiality -- In such a case, indeed, the defendant is tried, not
only by his peers, but also by his party; and I really think,
that of all patriots, he is the most resolute who exposes himself
to such detraction, for the sake of his country -- If, from the
ignorance or partiality of juries, a gentleman can have no
redress from law, for being defamed in a pamphlet or newspaper, I
know but one other method of proceeding against the publisher,
which is attended with some risque, but has been practised
successfully, more than once, in my remembrance -- A regiment of
horse was represented, in one of the newspapers, as having
misbehaved at Dettingen; a captain of that regiment broke the
publisher's bones, telling him, at the same time, if he went to
law, he should certainly have the like salutation from every
officer of the corps. Governor-- took the same satisfaction on the
ribs of an author, who traduced him by name in a periodical
paper -- I know a low fellow of the same class, who, being turned
out of Venice for his impudence and scurrility, retired to
Lugano, a town of the Grisons (a free people, God wot) where he
found a printing press, from whence he squirted his filth at some
respectable characters in the republic, which he had been obliged
to abandon. Some of these, finding him out of the reach of legal
chastisement, employed certain useful instruments, such as may be
found in all countries, to give him the bastinado; which, being
repeated more than once, effectually stopt the current of his
abuse.

As for the liberty of the press, like every other privilege, it
must be restrained within certain bounds; for if it is carried to
a branch of law, religion, and charity, it becomes one of the
greatest evils that ever annoyed the community. If the lowest
ruffian may stab your good name with impunity in England, will
you be so uncandid as to exclaim against Italy for the practice
of common assassination? To what purpose is our property secured,
if our moral character is left defenceless? People thus baited,
grow desperate; and the despair of being able to preserve one's
character, untainted by such vermin, produces a total neglect of
fame; so that one of the chief incitements to the practice of
virtue is effectually destroyed.

Mr Barton's last consideration, respecting the stamp-duty, is
equally wise and laudable with another maxim which has been long
adopted by our financiers, namely, to connive at drunkenness,
riot, and dissipation, because they inhance the receipt of the
excise; not reflecting, that in providing this temporary
convenience, they are destroying the morals, health, and industry
of the people -- Notwithstanding my contempt for those who flatter
a minister, I think there is something still more despicable in
flattering a mob. When I see a man of birth, education, and
fortune, put himself on a level with the dregs of the people,
mingle with low mechanics, feed with them at the same board, and
drink with them in the same cup, flatter their prejudices,
harangue in praise of their virtues, expose themselves to the
belchings of their beer, the fumes of their tobacco, the
grossness of their familiarity, and the impertinence of their
conversation, I cannot help despising him, as a man guilty of the
vilest prostitution, in order to effect a purpose equally selfish
and illiberal.

I should renounce politics the more willingly, if I could find
other topics of conversation discussed with more modesty and
candour; but the daemon of party seems to have usurped every
department of life. Even the world of literature and taste is
divided into the most virulent factions, which revile, decry, and
traduce the works of one another. Yesterday, I went to return an
afternoon's visit to a gentleman of my acquaintance, at whose
house I found one of the authors of the present age, who has
written with some success -- As I had read one or two of his
performances, which gave me pleasure, I was glad of this
opportunity to know his person; but his discourse and deportment
destroyed all the impressions which his writings had made in his
favour. He took upon him to decide dogmatically upon every
subject, without deigning to shew the least cause for his
differing from the general opinions of mankind, as if it had been
our duty to acquiesce in the ipse dixit of this new Pythagoras.
He rejudged the characters of all the principal authors, who had
died within a century of the present time; and, in this revision,
paid no sort of regard to the reputation they had acquired --
Milton was harsh and prosaic; Dryden, languid and verbose; Butler
and Swift without humour; Congreve, without wit; and Pope
destitute of any sort of poetical merit -- As for his
contemporaries, he could not bear to hear one of them mentioned
with any degree of applause -- They were all dunces, pedants,
plagiaries, quacks, and impostors; and you could not name a
single performance, but what was tame, stupid, and insipid. It
must be owned, that this writer had nothing to charge his
conscience with, on the side of flattery; for I understand, he
was never known to praise one line that was written, even by
those with whom he lived on terms of good fellowship. This
arrogance and presumption, in depreciating authors, for whose
reputation the company may be interested, is such an insult upon
the understanding, as I could not bear without wincing.

I desired to know his reasons for decrying some works, which had
afforded me uncommon pleasure; and, as demonstration did not seem
to be his talent, I dissented from his opinion with great
freedom. Having been spoiled by the deference and humility of his
hearers, he did not bear contradiction with much temper; and the
dispute might have grown warm, had it not been interrupted by the
entrance of a rival bard, at whose appearance he always quits the
place -- They are of different cabals, and have been at open war
these twenty years -- If the other was dogmatical, this genius was
declamatory: he did not discourse, but harangue; and his orations
were equally tedious and turgid. He too pronounces ex cathedra
upon the characters of his contemporaries; and though he scruples
not to deal out praise, even lavishly, to the lowest reptile in
Grubstreet who will either flatter him in private, or mount the
public rostrum as his panegyrist, he damns all the other writers
of the age, with the utmost insolence and rancour -- One is a
blunderbuss, as being a native of Ireland; another, a half-starved
louse of literature, from the banks of the Tweed; a
third, an ass, because he enjoys a pension from the government; a
fourth, the very angel of
dulness, because he succeeded in a species of writing in which
this Aristarchus had failed; a fifth, who presumed to make
strictures upon one of his performances, he holds as a bug in
criticism, whose stench is more offensive than his sting -- In
short, except himself and his myrmidons, there is not a man of
genius or learning in the three kingdoms. As for the success of
those, who have written without the pale of this confederacy, he
imputes it entirely to want of taste in the public; not
considering, that to the approbation of that very tasteless
public, he himself owes all the consequence he has in life.

Those originals are not fit for conversation. If they would
maintain the advantage they have gained by their writing, they
should never appear but upon paper -- For my part, I am shocked to
find a man have sublime ideas in his head, and nothing but
illiberal sentiments in his heart -- The human soul will be
generally found most defective in the article of candour -- I am
inclined to think, no mind was ever wholly exempt from envy;
which, perhaps, may have been implanted, as an instinct essential
to our nature. I am afraid we sometimes palliate this vice, under
the spacious name of emulation. I have known a person remarkably
generous, humane, moderate, and apparently self-denying, who
could not hear even a friend commended, without betraying marks
of uneasiness; as if that commendation had implied an odious
comparison to his prejudice, and every wreath of praise added to
the other's character, was a garland plucked from his own
temples. This is a malignant species of jealousy, of which I
stand acquitted in my own conscience.

Whether it is a vice, or an infirmity, I leave you to inquire.

There is another point, which I would much rather see determined;
whether the world was always as contemptible, as it appears to me
at present? -- If the morals of mankind have not contracted an
extraordinary degree of depravity, within these thirty years,
then must I be infected with the common vice of old men,
difficilis, querulus, laudator temporis acti; or, which is more
probable, the impetuous pursuits and avocations of youth have
formerly hindered me from observing those rotten parts of human
nature, which now appear so offensively to my observation.

We have been at court, and 'change, and every where; and every
where we find food for spleen, and subject for ridicule -- My new
servant, Humphry Clinker, turns out a great original: and Tabby
is a changed creature -- She has parted with Chowder; and does
nothing but smile, like Malvolio in the play -- I'll be hanged if
she is not acting a part which is not natural to her disposition,
for some purpose which I have not yet discovered.

With respect to the characters of mankind, my curiosity is quite
satisfied: I have done with the science of men, and must now
endeavour to amuse myself with the novelty of things. I am, at
present, by a violent effort of the mind, forced from my natural
bias; but this power ceasing to act, I shall return to my
solitude with redoubled velocity. Every thing I see, and hear,
and feel, in this great reservoir of folly, knavery, and
sophistication, contributes to inhance the value of a country
life, in the sentiments of

Yours always,
MATT. BRAMBLE
LONDON, June 2.

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall.

DEAR MARY JONES,

Lady Griskin's botler, Mr Crumb, having got 'squire Barton to
frank me a kiver, I would not neglect to let you know how it is
with me, and the rest of the family.

I could not rite by John Thomas, for because he went away in a
huff, at a minutes' warning. He and Chowder could not agree, and
so they fitt upon the road, and Chowder bitt his thumb, and he
swore he would do him a mischief, and he spoke saucy to mistress,
whereby the squire turned him off in gudgeon; and by God's
providence we picked up another footman, called Umphry Klinker; a
good sole as ever broke bread; which shews that a scalded cat may
prove a good mouser, and a hound be staunch, thof he has got
narro hare on his buttocks; but the proudest nose may be bro't to
the grinestone, by sickness and misfortunes.

0 Molly! what shall I say of London? All the towns that ever I
beheld in my born-days, are no more than Welsh barrows and
crumlecks to this wonderful sitty! Even Bath itself is but a
fillitch, in the naam of God -- One would think there's no end of
the streets, but the land's end. Then there's such a power of
people,
going hurry skurry! Such a racket of coxes! Such a noise, and
haliballoo! So many strange sites to be seen! O gracious! my poor
Welsh brain has been spinning like a top ever since I came
hither! And I have seen the Park, and the paleass of Saint
Gimses, and the king's and the queen's magisterial pursing, and
the sweet young princes, and the hillyfents, and pye bald ass,
and all the rest of the royal family.

Last week I went with mistress to the Tower, to see the crowns
and wild beastis; and there was a monstracious lion, with teeth
half a quarter long; and a gentleman bid me not go near him, if I
wasn't a maid; being as how he would roar, and tear, and play the
dickens -- Now I had no mind to go near him; for I cannot abide
such dangerous honeymils, not I -- but, mistress would go; and the
beast kept such a roaring and bouncing, that I tho't he would
have broke his cage and devoured us all; and the gentleman
tittered forsooth; but I'll go to death upon it, I will, that my
lady is as good a firchin, as the child unborn; and, therefore,
either the gentleman told a fib, or the lion oft to be set in the
stocks for bearing false witness agin his neighbour; for the
commandment sayeth, Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy
neighbour.

I was afterwards of a party at Sadler's-wells, where I saw such
tumbling and dancing upon ropes and wires, that I was frightened
and ready to go into a fit -- I tho't it was all inchantment; and,
believing myself bewitched, began for to cry -- You knows as how
the witches in Wales fly upon broom-sticks: but here was flying
without any broom-stick, or thing in the varsal world, and firing
of pistols in the air, and blowing of trumpets, and swinging, and
rolling of wheel-barrows upon a wire (God bless us!) no thicker
than a sewing-thread; that, to be sure, they must deal with the
devil! -- A fine gentleman, with a pig's-tail, and a golden sord by
his side, come to comfit me, and offered for to treat me with a
pint of wind; but I would not stay; and so, in going through the
dark passage, he began to shew his cloven futt, and went for to
be rude: my fellow-sarvant, Umphry Klinker, bid him be sivil, and
he gave the young man a dowse in the chops; but, I fackins, Mr
Klinker wa'n't long in his debt -- with a good oaken sapling he
dusted his doublet, for all his golden cheese toaster; and,
fipping me under his arm, carried me huom, I nose not how, being
I was in such a flustration -- But, thank God! I'm now vaned from
all such vanities; for what are all those rarities and vagaries
to the glory that shall be revealed hereafter? O Molly! let not
your poor heart be puffed up with vanity.

I had almost forgot to tell you, that I have had my hair cut and
pippered, and singed, and bolstered, and buckled, in the newest
fashion, by a French freezer -- Parley vow Francey -- Vee madmansell
-- I now carries my head higher than arrow private gentlewoman of
Vales. Last night, coming huom from the meeting, I was taken by
lamp-light for an iminent poulterer's daughter, a great beauty --
But as I was saying, this is all vanity and vexation of spirit --
The pleasures of London are no better than sower whey and stale
cyder, when compared to the joys of the new Gerusalem.

Dear Mary Jones! An please God when I return, I'll bring you a
new cap, with a turkey-shell coom, and a pyehouse sermon, that
was preached in the Tabernacle; and I pray of all love, you will
mind your vriting and your spilling; for, craving your pardon,
Molly, it made me suet to disseyffer your last scrabble, which
was delivered by the hind at Bath -- 0, voman! voman! if thou
had'st but the least consumption of what pleasure we scullers
have, when we can cunster the crabbidst buck off hand, and spell
the ethnitch vords without lucking at the primmer. As for Mr
Klinker, he is qualified to be a clerk to a parish -- But I'll say
no more -- Remember me to Saul -- poor sole! it goes to my hart to
think she don't yet know her letters -- But all in God's good time
-- It shall go hard, but I will bring her the A B C in gingerbread;
and that, you nose, will be learning to her taste.

Mistress says, we are going a long gurney to the North; but go
where we will, I shall ever be,

Dear Mary Jones,
Yours with true infection
WIN. JENKINS
LONDON, June 3.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR WAT,

I mentioned in my last, my uncle's design of going to the duke of
N--'s levee; which design has been executed accordingly. His
grace has been so long accustomed to this kind of homage, that
though the place he now fills does not imply the tenth part of
the influence, which he exerted in his former office, he has
given his friends to understand, that they cannot oblige him in
any thing more, than in contributing to support the shadow of
that power, which he no longer retains in substance; and
therefore he has still public days, on which they appear at his
levee.

My uncle and I went thither with Mr Barton, who, being one of the
duke's adherents, undertook to be our introducer -- The room was
pretty well filled with people, in a great variety of dress; but
there was no more than one gown and cassock, though I was told
his grace had, while he was minister, preferred almost every
individual that now filled the bench of bishops in the house of
lords; but in all probability, the gratitude of the clergy is
like their charity, which shuns the light -- Mr Barton was
immediately accosted by a person well stricken in years, tall,
and raw-boned, with a hook-nose, and an arch leer, that
indicated, at least, as much cunning as sagacity. Our conductor
saluted him, by the name of captain C--, and afterwards informed
us he was a man of shrewd parts, whom the government occasionally
employed in secret services. But I have had the history of him
more at large, from another quarter. He had been, many years ago,
concerned in fraudulent practices, as a merchant, in France; and
being convicted of some of them, was sent to the gallies, from
whence he was delivered by the interest of the late duke of
Ormond, to whom he had recommended himself in letter, as his
name-sake and relation -- He was in the sequel, employed by our
ministry as a spy; and in the war of 1740, traversed all Spain,
as well as France, in the disguise of a capuchin, at the extreme
hazard of his life, in as much as the court of Madrid had
actually got scent of him, and given orders to apprehend him at
St Sebastian's, from whence he had fortunately retired but a few
hours before the order arrived. This and other hair-breadth
'scapes he pleaded so effectually as a merit with the English
ministry, that they allowed him a comfortable pension, which he
now enjoys in his old age -- He has still access to all the
ministers, and is said to be consulted by them on many subjects,
as a man of uncommon understanding and great experience -- He is,
in fact, a fellow of some parts, and invincible assurance; and,
in his discourse, he assumes such an air of self-sufficiency, as
may very well impose upon some of the shallow politicians, who
now labour at the helm of administration. But, if he is not
belied, this is not the only imposture of which he is guilty --
They say, he is at bottom not only a Roman-catholic, but really a
priest; and while he pretends to disclose to our state-pilots all
the springs that move the cabinet of Versailles, he is actually
picking up intelligence for the service of the French minister. Be
that as it may, captain C-- entered into conversation with us in
the most familiar manner, and treated the duke's character
without any ceremony -- 'This wiseacre (said he) is still a-bed;
and, I think, the best thing he can do, is to sleep on till
Christmas; for, when he gets up, he does nothing but expose his
own folly. -- Since Grenville was turned out, there has been no
minister in this nation worth the meal that whitened his peri-wig
-- They are so ignorant, they scarce know a crab from a
cauliflower; and then they are such dunces, that there's no
making them comprehend the plainest proposition -- In the beginning
of the war, this poor half-witted creature told me, in a great
fright, that thirty thousand French had marched from Acadie to
Cape Breton -- "Where did they find transports? (said I)"
"Transports (cried he) I tell you they marched by land" -- "By land
to the island of Cape Breton?" "What! is Cape Breton an island?"
"Certainly." "Ha! are you sure of that?" When I pointed it out in
the map, he examined it earnestly with his spectacles; then,
taking me in his arms, "My dear C--! (cried he) you always bring
us good news -- Egad! I'll go directly, and tell the king that Cape
Breton is an island."'

He seemed disposed to entertain us with more anecdotes of this
nature, at the expense of his grace, when he was interrupted by
the arrival of the Algerine ambassador; a venerable Turk, with a
long white beard, attended by his dragoman, or interpreter, and
another officer of his household, who had got no stockings to his
legs -- Captain C-- immediately spoke with an air of authority to a
servant in waiting, bidding him go and tell the duke to rise, as
there was a great deal of company come, and, among others, the
ambassador from Algiers. Then, turning to us, 'This poor Turk
(said he) notwithstanding his grey beard, is a green-horn -- He has
been several years resident in London, and still is ignorant of
our
political revolutions. This visit is intended for the prime
minister of England; but you'll see how this wise duke will
receive it as a mark of attachment to his own person' -- Certain it
is, the duke seemed eager to acknowledge the compliment -- A door
opened, he suddenly bolted out; with a shaving-cloth under his
chin, his face frothed up to the eyes with soap lather; and
running up to the ambassador, grinned hideous in his face -- 'My
dear Mahomet! (said he) God love your long beard, I hope the dey
will make you a horsetail at the next promotion, ha, ha, ha! Have
but a moment's patience, and I'll send to you in a twinkling,' --
So saying, he retired into his den, leaving the Turk in some
confusion. After a short pause, however, he said something to his
interpreter, the meaning of which I had great curiosity to know,
as he turned up his eyes while he spoke, expressing astonishment,
mixed with devotion. We were gratified by means of the
communicative captain C--, who conversed with the dragoman, as an
old acquaintance. Ibrahim, the ambassador, who had mistaken his
grace for the minister's fool, was no sooner undeceived by the
interpreter, than he exclaimed to this effect 'Holy prophet! I
don't wonder that this nation prospers, seeing it is governed by
the counsel of ideots; a series of men, whom all good mussulmen
revere as the organs of immediate inspiration!' Ibrahim was
favoured with a particular audience of short duration; after
which the duke conducted him to the door, and then returned to
diffuse his gracious looks among the crowd of his worshippers.

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