The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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I know not whether you will find any amusement in this account of
an odd race of mortals, whose constitution had, I own, greatly
interested the curiosity of

Yours,
J. MELFORD
LONDON, June 10.

To Miss LAETITIA WILLIS, at Gloucester.

MY DEAR LETTY,

There is something on my spirits, which I should not venture to
communicate by the post, but having the opportunity of Mrs
Brentwood's return, I seize it eagerly, to disburthen my poor
heart, which is oppressed with fear and vexation. -- O Letty! what
a miserable situation it is, to be without a friend to whom one
can apply for counsel and consolation in distress! I hinted in my
last, that one Mr Barton had been very particular in his
civilities: I can no longer mistake his meaning -- he has formally
professed himself my admirer; and, after a thousand assiduities,
perceiving I made but a cold return to his addresses, he had
recourse to the mediation of lady Griskin, who has acted the part
of a very warm advocate in his behalf: -- but, my dear Willis, her
ladyship over acts her part -- she not only expatiates on the ample
fortune, the great connexions, and the unblemished character of
Mr Barton, but she takes the trouble to catechise me; and, two
days ago, peremptorily told me, that a girl of my age could not
possibly resist so many considerations, if her heart was not pre-engaged.

This insinuation threw me into such a flutter, that she could not
but observe my disorder; and, presuming upon the discovery,
insisted upon my making her the confidante of my passion. But,
although I had not such command of myself as to conceal the
emotion of my heart, I am not such a child as to disclose its
secret to a person who would certainly use them to its prejudice.
I told her, it was no wonder if I was out of countenance at her
introducing a subject of conversation so unsuitable to my years
and inexperience; that I believed Mr Barton was a very worthy
gentleman, and I was much obliged to him for his good opinion;
but the affections were involuntary, and mine, in particular, had
as yet made no concessions in his favour. She shook her head with
an air of distrust that made me tremble; and observed, that if my
affections were free, they would submit to the decision of
prudence, especially when enforced by the authority of those who
had a right to direct my conduct. This remark implied a design to
interest my uncle or my aunt, perhaps my brother, in behalf of Mr
Barton's passion; and I am sadly afraid that my aunt is already
gained over. Yesterday in the forenoon, he had been walking with
us in the Park, and stopping in our return at a toy-shop, he
presented her with a very fine snuff-box, and me with a gold
etuis, which I resolutely refused, till she commanded me to
accept it on pain of her displeasure: nevertheless, being still
unsatisfied with respect to the propriety of receiving this toy,
I signified my doubts to my brother, who said he would consult my
uncle on the subject, and seemed to think Mr Barton had been
rather premature in his presents.

What will be the result of this consultation, Heaven knows; but I
am afraid it will produce an explanation with Mr Barton, who
will, no doubt, avow his passion, and solicit their consent to a
connexion which my soul abhors; for, my dearest Letty, it is not
in my power to love Mr Barton, even if my heart was untouched by
any other tenderness. Not that there is any thing disagreeable
about his person, but there is a total want of that nameless
charm which captivates and controuls the inchanted spirit at
least, he appears to me to have this defect; but if he had all
the engaging qualifications which a man can possess, they would
be excited in vain against that constancy, which, I flatter
myself, is the characteristic of my nature. No, my dear Willis, I
may be involved in fresh troubles, and I believe I shall, from
the importunities of this gentleman and the violence of my
relations; but my heart is incapable of change.

You know I put no faith in dreams; and yet I have been much
disturbed by one that visited me last night. -- I thought I was in
a church, where a certain person, whom you know, was on the point
of being married to my aunt; that the clergyman was Mr Barton,
and that poor forlorn I, stood weeping in a corner, half naked,
and without shoes or stockings. -- Now, I know there is nothing so
childish as to be moved by those vain illusions; but,
nevertheless, in spite of all my reason, this hath made a strong
impression upon my mind, which begins to be very gloomy. Indeed,
I have another more substantial cause of affliction -- I have some
religious scruples, my dear friend, which lie heavy on my
conscience. -- I was persuaded to go to the Tabernacle, where I
heard a discourse that affected me deeply. -- I have prayed
fervently to be enlightened, but as yet I am not sensible of
these inward motions, those operations of grace, which are the
signs of a regenerated spirit; and therefore I begin to be in
terrible apprehensions about the state of my poor soul. Some of
our family have had very uncommon accessions, particularly my
aunt and Mrs Jenkins, who sometimes speak as if they were really
inspired; so that I am not like to want for either exhortation or
example, to purify my thoughts, and recall them from the vanities
of this world, which, indeed, I would willingly resign, if it was
in my power; but to make this sacrifice, I must be enabled by
such assistance from above as hath not yet been indulged to

Your unfortunate friend,
LYDIA MELFORD
June 10.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR PHILLIPS,

The moment I received your letter, I began to execute your
commission -- With the assistance of mine host at the Bull and
Gate, I discovered the place to which your fugitive valet had
retreated, and taxed him with his dishonesty -- The fellow was in
manifest confusion at sight of me, but he denied the charge with
great confidence, till I told him, that if he would give up the
watch, which was a family piece, he might keep the money and the
clothes, and go to the devil his own way, at his leisure; but if
he rejected this proposal, I would deliver him forthwith to the
constable, whom I had provided for that purpose, and he would
carry him before the justice without further delay. After some
hesitation, he desired to speak with me in the next room, where
he produced the watch, with all its appendages, and I have
delivered it to our landlord, to be sent you by the first safe
conveyance.

So much for business.

I shall grow vain, upon your saying you find entertainment in my
letters; barren, as they certainly are, of incident and
importance, because your amusement must arise, not from the
matter, but from the manner, which you know is all my own --
Animated, therefore, by the approbation of a person, whose nice
taste and consummate judgment I can no longer doubt, I will
chearfully proceed with our memoirs -- As it is determined we shall
set out next week for Yorkshire, I went to-day in the forenoon
with my uncle to see a carriage, belonging to a coachmaker in our
neighbourhood -- Turning down a narrow lane, behind Longacre, we
perceived a crowd of people standing at a door; which, it seems,
opened into a kind of a methodist meeting, and were informed,
that a footman was then holding forth to the congregation within.
Curious to see this phoenomenon, we squeezed into the place with
much difficulty; and who should this preacher be, but the
identical Humphry Clinker. He had finished his sermon, and given
out a psalm, the first stave of which he sung with peculiar
graces -- But if we were astonished to see Clinker in the pulpit,
we were altogether confounded at finding all the females of our
family among the audience -- There was lady Griskin, Mrs Tabitha
Bramble, Mrs Winifred Jenkins, my sister Liddy, and Mr Barton,
and all of them joined in the psalmody, with strong marks of
devotion.

I could hardly keep my gravity on this ludicrous occasion; but
old Square-toes was differently affected -- The first thing that
struck him, was the presumption of his lacquey, whom he commanded
to come down, with such an air of authority as Humphry did not
think proper to disregard. He descended immediately, and all the
people were in commotion. Barton looked exceedingly sheepish,
lady Griskin flirted her fan, Mrs Tabby groaned in spirit, Liddy
changed countenance, and Mrs Jenkins sobbed as if her heart was
breaking -- My uncle, with a sneer, asked pardon of the ladies, for
having interrupted their devotion, saying, he had particular
business with the preacher, whom he ordered to call a hackney-coach.
This being immediately brought up to the end of the lane,
he handed Liddy into it, and my aunt and I following him, we
drove home, without taking any further notice of the rest of the
company, who still remained in silent astonishment.

Mr Bramble, perceiving Liddy in great trepidation, assumed a
milder aspect, bidding her be under no concern, for he was not at
all displeased at any thing she had done -- 'I have no objection
(said he) to your being religiously inclined; but I don't think
my servant is a proper ghostly director for a devotee of your sex
and character -- if, in fact (as I rather believe) your aunt is not
the sole conductress of, this machine' -- Mrs Tabitha made no
answer, but threw up the whites of her eyes, as if in the act of
ejaculation -- Poor Liddy, said, she had no right to the title of a
devotee; that she thought there was no harm in hearing a pious
discourse, even if it came from a footman, especially as her aunt
was present; but that if she had erred from ignorance, she hoped
he would excuse it, as she could not bear the thoughts of living
under his displeasure. The old gentleman, pressing her hand with
a tender smile, said she was a good girl, and that he did not
believe her capable of doing any thing that could give him the
least umbrage or disgust.

When we arrived at our lodgings, he commanded Mr Clinker to
attend him up stairs, and spoke to him in these words -- 'Since you
are called upon by the spirit to preach and to teach, it is high
time to lay aside the livery of an earthly master; and for my
part, I am unworthy to have an apostle in my service' -- 'I hope
(said Humphry) I have not failed in my duty to your honour -- I
should be a vile wretch if I did, considering the misery from
which your charity and compassion relieved me -- but having an
inward admonition of the spirit --' 'An admonition of the devil
(cried the squire, in a passion) What admonition, you blockhead?
What right has such a fellow as you to set up for a reformer?'
'Begging your honour's pardon (replied Clinker) may not the new
light of God's grace shine upon the poor and the ignorant in
their humility, as well as upon the wealthy, and the philosopher
in all his pride of human learning?' 'What you imagine to be the
new light of grace (said his master) I take to be a deceitful
vapour, glimmering through a crack in your upper story -- In a
word, Mr Clinker, I will have no light in my family but what pays
the king's taxes, unless it be the light of reason, which you
don't pretend to follow.'

'Ah, sir! (cried Humphry) the light of reason, is no more in
comparison to the light I mean, than a farthing candle to the sun
at noon' -- 'Very true (said uncle), the one will serve to shew you
your way, and the other to dazzle and confound your weak brain.
Heark ye, Clinker, you are either an hypocritical knave, or a
wrong-headed enthusiast; and in either case, unfit for my service.
If you are a quack in sanctity and devotion, you will find it an
easy matter to impose upon silly women, and others of crazed
understanding, who will contribute lavishly for your support. If
you are really seduced by the reveries of a disturbed
imagination, the sooner you lose your senses entirely, the better
for yourself and the community. In that case, some charitable
person might provide you with a dark room and clean straw in
Bedlam, where it would not be in your power to infect others with
your fanaticism; whereas, if you have just reflection enough left
to maintain the character of a chosen vessel in the meetings of
the godly, you and your hearers will be misled by a Will-i'the-wisp,
from one error into another, till you are plunged into
religious frenzy; and then, perhaps, you will hang yourself in
despair' 'Which the Lord of his infinite mercy forbid! (exclaimed
the affrighted Clinker) It is very possible I may be under the
temptation of the devil, who wants to wreck me on the rocks of
spiritual pride -- Your honour says, I am either a knave or a
madman; now, as I'll assure your honour, I am no knave, it
follows that I must be mad; therefore, I beseech your honour,
upon my knees, to take my case into consideration, that means may
be used for my recovery'

The 'squire could not help smiling at the poor fellow's
simplicity, and promised to take care of him, provided he would
mind the business of his place, without running after the new
light of methodism: but Mrs Tabitha took offence at his humility,
which she interpreted into poorness of spirit and worldly
mindedness. She upbraided him with the want of courage to suffer
for conscience sake -- She observed, that if he should lose his
place for bearing testimony to the truth, Providence would not
fail to find him another, perhaps more advantageous; and,
declaring that it could not be very agreeable to live in a family
where an inquisition was established, retired to another room in
great agitation.

My uncle followed her with a significant look, then, turning to
the preacher, 'You hear what my sister says -- If you cannot live
with me upon such terms as I have prescribed, the vineyard of
methodism lies before you, and she seems very well disposed to
reward your labour' -- 'I would not willingly give offence to any
soul upon earth (answered Humphry); her ladyship has been very
good to me, ever since we came to London; and surely she has a
heart turned for religious exercises; and both she and lady
Griskin sing psalms and hymns like two cherubims -- But, at the
same time, I'm bound to love and obey your honour -- It becometh
not such a poor ignorant fellow as me, to hold dispute with
gentlemen of rank and learning -- As for the matter of knowledge, I
am no more than a beast in comparison of your honour; therefore I
submit; and, with God's grace, I will follow you to the world's
end, if you don't think me too far gone to be out of confinement'.

His master promised to keep him for some time longer on trial;
then desired to know in what manner lady Griskin and Mr Barton
came to join their religious society, he told him, that her
ladyship was the person who first carried my aunt and sister to
the Tabernacle, whither he attended them, and had his devotion
kindled by Mr W--'s preaching: that he was confirmed in this
new way, by the preacher's sermons, which he had bought and
studied with great attention: that his discourse and prayers had
brought over Mrs Jenkins and the house-maid to the same way of
thinking; but as for Mr Barton, he had never seen him at service
before this day, when he came in company with lady Griskin.
Humphry, moreover, owned that he had been encouraged to mount the
rostrum, by the example and success of a weaver, who was much
followed as a powerful minister: that on his first trial he found
himself under such strong impulsions, as made him believe he was
certainly moved by the spirit; and that he had assisted in lady
Griskin's, and several private houses, at exercises of devotion.

Mr Bramble was no sooner informed, that her ladyship had acted as
the primum mobile of this confederacy, than he concluded she had
only made use of Clinker as a tool, subservient to the execution
of some design, to the true secret of which he was an utter
stranger -- He observed, that her ladyship's brain was a perfect
mill for projects; and that she and Tabby had certainly engaged
in some secret treaty, the nature of which he could not
comprehend. I told him I thought it was no difficult matter to
perceive the drift of Mrs Tabitha, which was to ensnare the heart
of Barton, and that in all likelihood my lady Griskin acted as
her auxiliary: that this supposition would account for their
endeavours to convert him to methodism; an event which would
occasion a connexion of souls that might be easily improved into
a matrimonial union.

My uncle seemed to be much diverted by the thoughts of this
Scheme's succeeding; but I gave him to understand, that Barton
was pre-engaged: that he had the day before made a present of an
etuis to Liddy, which her aunt had obliged her to receive, with a
view, no doubt, to countenance her own accepting of a snuff-box
at the same time; that my sister having made me acquainted with
this incident, I had desired an explanation of Mr Barton, who
declared his intentions were honourable, and expressed his hope
that I would have no objections to his alliance; that I had
thanked him for the honour he intended our family; but told
him, it would be necessary to consult her uncle and aunt, who
were her guardians; and their approbation being obtained, I
could have no objection to his proposal; though I was persuaded
that no violence would be offered to my sister's inclinations, in
a transaction that so nearly interested the happiness of her
future life: that he had assured me, he should never think of
availing himself of a guardian's authority, unless he could
render his addresses agreeable to the young lady herself; and
that he would immediately demand permission of Mr and Mrs
Bramble, to make Liddy a tender of his hand and fortune.

The squire was not insensible to the advantages of such a match,
and declared he would promote it with all his influence; but when
I took notice that there seemed to be an aversion on the side of
Liddy, he said he would sound her on the subject; and if her
reluctance was such as would not be easily overcome, he would
civilly decline the proposal of Mr Barton; for he thought that,
in the choice of a husband a young woman ought not to sacrifice
the feelings of her heart for any consideration upon earth --
'Liddy is not so desperate (said he) as to worship fortune at
such an expence.'

I take it for granted, this whole affair will end in smoke;
though there seems to be a storm brewing in the quarter of Mrs
Tabby, who sat with all the sullen dignity of silence at dinner,
seemingly pregnant with complaint and expostulation. As she had
certainly marked Barton for her own prey, she cannot possibly
favour his suit to Liddy; and therefore I expect something
extraordinary will attend his declaring himself my sister's
admirer. This declaration will certainly be made in form, as soon
as the lover can pick up resolution enough to stand the brunt of
Mrs Tabby's disappointment; for he is, without doubt, aware of
her designs upon his person -- The particulars of the denouement
you shall know in due season: mean while I am

Always yours,
J. MELFORD
LONDON, June 10.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR LEWIS,

The deceitful calm was of short duration. I am plunged again in a
sea of vexation, and the complaints in my stomach and bowels are
returned; so that I suppose I shall be disabled from prosecuting
the excursion I had planned -- What the devil had I to do, to come
a plague hunting with a leash of females in my train? Yesterday
my precious sister (who, by the bye, has been for some time a
professed methodist) came into my apartment, attended by Mr
Barton, and desired an audience with a very stately air -- 'Brother
(said she), this gentleman has something to propose, which I
flatter myself will be the more acceptable, as it will rid you of
a troublesome companion.' Then Mr Barton proceeded to this effect
-- 'I am, indeed, extremely ambitious of being allied to your
family, Mr Bramble, and I hope you will see no cause to interpose
your authority.' 'As for authority (said Tabby, interrupting him
with some warmth), I know of none that he has a right to use on
this occasion -- If I pay him the compliment of making him
acquainted with the step I intend to take, it is all he can
expect in reason -- This is as much as I believe he would do by me,
if he intended to change his own situation in life -- In a word,
brother, I am so sensible of Mr Barton's extra ordinary merit,
that I have been prevailed upon to alter my resolution of living
a single life, and to put my happiness in his hands, by vesting
him with a legal title to my person and fortune, such as they
are. The business at present, is to have the writings drawn; and
I shall be obliged to you, if you will recommend a lawyer to me
for that purpose'

You may guess what an effect this overture had upon me; who, from
the information of my nephew, expected that Barton was to make a
formal declaration of his passion for Liddy; I could not help
gazing in silent astonishment, alternately at Tabby, and her
supposed admirer, who last hung his head in the most aukward
confusion for a few minutes, and then retired on pretence of
being suddenly seized with a vertigo -- Mrs Tabitha affected much
concern, and would have had him make use of a bed in the house;
but he insisted upon going home, that he might have recourse of
some drops, which he kept for such emergencies, and his
innamorata acquiesced -- In the mean time I was exceedingly puzzled
at this adventure (though I suspected the truth) and did not know
in what manner to demean myself towards Mrs Tabitha, when Jery
came in and told me, he had just seen Mr Barton alight from his
chariot at lady Griskin's door -- This incident seemed to threaten
a visit from her ladyship, with which we were honoured
accordingly, in less than half an hour -- 'I find (said she) there
has been a match of cross purposes among you good folks; and I'm
come to set you to rights' -- So saying, she presented me with the
following billet

'DEAR SIR,

I no sooner recollected myself from the extreme confusion I was
thrown into, by that unlucky mistake of your sister, than I
thought it my duty to assure you, that my devoirs to Mrs Bramble
never exceeded the bounds of ordinary civility; and that my heart
is unalterably fixed upon Miss Liddy Melford, as I had the honour
to declare to her brother, when he questioned me upon that
subject -- Lady Griskin has been so good as to charge herself, not
only with the delivery of this note, but also with the task of
undeceiving Mrs Bramble, for whom I have the most profound
respect and veneration, though my affection being otherwise
engaged is no longer in the power of

Sir,
Your very humble servant,
RALPH BARTON.'

Having cast my eyes over this billet, I told her ladyship, that I
would no longer retard the friendly office she had undertaken:
and I and Jery forthwith retired into another room. There we soon
perceived the conversation grow very warm betwixt the two ladies;
and, at length, could distinctly hear certain terms of
altercation, which we could no longer delay interrupting, with
any regard to decorum. When we entered the scene of contention,
we found Liddy had joined the disputants, and stood trembling
betwixt them, as if she had been afraid they would have proceeded
to something more practical than words. Lady Griskin's face was
like the full moon in a storm of wind, glaring, fiery, and
portentous; while Tabby looked grim and ghastly, with an aspect
breathing discord and dismay. -- Our appearance put a stop to their
mutual revilings; but her ladyship turning to me, 'Cousin (said
she) I can't help saying I have met with a very ungrateful return
from this lady, for the pains I have taken to serve her family' --
'My family is much obliged to your ladyship (cried Tabby, with a
kind of hysterical giggle); but we have no right to the good
offices of such an honourable go-between.' 'But, for all that,
good Mrs Tabitha Bramble (resumed the other), I shall be content
with the reflection, That virtue is its own reward; and it shall
not be my fault, if you continue to make yourself ridiculous -- Mr
Bramble, who has no little interest of his own to serve, will, no
doubt, contribute all in his power to promote a match betwixt Mr
Barton and his niece, which will be equally honourable and
advantageous; and, I dare say, Miss Liddy herself will have no
objection to a measure so well calculated to make her happy in
life' -- 'I beg your ladyship's pardon (exclaimed Liddy, with great
vivacity) I have nothing but misery to expect from such a
measure; and I hope my guardians will have too much compassion,
to barter my peace of mind for any consideration of interest or
fortune' -- 'Upon my word, Miss Liddy! (said she) you have profited
by the example of your good aunt -- I comprehend your meaning, and
will explain it when I have a proper opportunity -- In the mean
time, I shall take my leave -- Madam, your most obedient, and
devoted humble servant,' said she, advancing close up to my
sister, and curtsying so low, that I thought she intended to
squat herself down on the floor -- This salutation Tabby returned
with equal solemnity; and the expression of the two faces, while
they continued in this attitude, would be no bad subject for a
pencil like that of the incomparable Hogarth, if any such should
ever appear again, in these times of dullness and degeneracy.

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