The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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When we arrived, there was a family of foreigners at the house,
on a visit to this virtuoso, with whom they had been acquainted
at the Spa; it was the count de Melville, with his lady, on their
way to Scotland. Mr Burdock had met with an accident, in
consequence of which both the count and I would have retired but
the young gentleman and his mother insisted upon our staying
dinner; and their serenity seemed to be so little ruffled by what
had happened, that we complied with their invitation. The 'squire
had been brought home over night in his post-chaise, so terribly
belaboured about the pate, that he seemed to be in a state of
stupefaction, and had ever since remained speechless. A country
apothecary, called Grieve, who lived in a neighbouring village,
having been called to his assistance, had let him blood, and
applied a poultice to his head, declaring, that he had no fever,
nor any other bad symptom but the loss of speech, if he really
had lost that faculty. But the young 'squire said this
practitioner was an ignorantaccio, that there was a fracture in
the cranium, and that there was a necessity for having him
trepanned without loss of time. His mother, espousing this
opinion, had sent an express to York for a surgeon to perform the
operation, and he was already come with his 'prentice and
instruments. Having examined the patient's head, he began to
prepare his dressings; though Grieve still retained his first
opinion that there was no fracture, and was the more confirmed in
it as the 'squire had passed the night in profound sleep,
uninterrupted by any catching or convulsion. The York surgeon
said he could not tell whether there was a fracture, until he
should take off the scalp; but, at any rate, the operation might
be of service in giving vent to any blood that might be
extravasated, either above or below the dura mater. The lady and
her son were clear for trying the experiment; and Grieve was
dismissed with some marks of contempt, which, perhaps, he owed to
the plainness of his appearance. He seemed to be about the middle
age, wore his own black hair without any sort of dressing; by his
garb, one would have taken him for a quaker, but he had none of
the stiffness of that sect, on the contrary he was very
submissive, respectful, and remarkably taciturn.

Leaving the ladies in an apartment by themselves, we adjourned to
the patient's chamber, where the dressings and instruments were
displayed in order upon a pewter dish. The operator, laying aside
his coat and periwig, equipped himself with a night-cap, apron,
and sleeves, while his 'prentice and footman, seizing the
'squire's head, began to place it in a proper posture. -- But mark
what followed. -- The patient, bolting upright in the bed, collared
each of these assistants with the grasp of Hercules, exclaiming,
in a bellowing tone, 'I ha'n't lived so long in Yorkshire to be
trepanned by such vermin as you;' and leaping on the floor, put
on his breeches quietly, to the astonishment of us all. The
Surgeon still insisted upon the operation, alleging it was now
plain that the brain was injured, and desiring the servants put
him into bed again; but nobody would venture to execute his
orders, or even to interpose: when the 'squire turned him and his
assistants out of doors, and threw his apparatus out at the
window. Having thus asserted his prerogative, and put on his
cloaths with the help of a valet, the count, with my nephew and
me, were introduced by his son, and received with his usual stile
of rustic civility; then turning to signor Macaroni, with a
sarcastic grin, 'I tell thee what, Dick (said he), a man's scull
is not to be bored every time his head is broken; and I'll
convince thee and thy mother, that I know as many tricks as e'er
an old fox in the West Riding.'

We afterwards understood he had quarrelled at a public house with
an exciseman, whom he challenged to a bout at single stick, in
which he had been worsted; and that the shame of this defeat had
tied up his tongue. As for madam, she had shewn no concern for
his disaster, and now heard of his recovery without emotion -- She
had taken some little notice of my sister and niece, though
rather with a view to indulge her own petulance, than out of any
sentiment of regard to our family. -- She said Liddy was a fright,
and ordered her woman to adjust her head before dinner; but she
would not meddle with Tabby, whose spirit, she soon perceived,
was not to be irritated with impunity. At table, she acknowledged
me so far as to say she had heard of my father; though she
hinted, that he had disobliged her family by making a poor match
in Wales. She was disagreeably familiar in her enquiries about
our circumstances; and asked, if I intended to bring up my nephew
to the law. I told her, that, as he had an independent fortune,
he should follow no profession but that of a country gentleman;
and that I was not without hopes of procuring for him a seat in
parliament -- 'Pray cousin (said she), what may his fortune be?'
When I answered, that, with what I should be able to give him, he
would have better than two thousand a year, she replied, with a
disdainful toss of her head, that it would be impossible for him
to preserve his independence on such a paultry provision.

Not a little nettled at this arrogant remark, I told her, I had
the honour to sit in parliament with her father, when he had
little more than half that income; and I believed there was not a
more independent and incorruptible member in the house. 'Ay; but
times are changed (cried the 'squire) -- Country gentlemen now-a-days
live after another fashion. My table alone stands me in a
cool thousand a quarter, though I raise my own stock, import my
own liquors, and have every thing at the first hand. -- True it
is, I keep open house, and receive all corners, for the honour of
Old England.' 'If that be the case (said I), 'tis a wonder you
can maintain it at so small an expence; but every private
gentleman is not expected to keep a caravanserai for the
accommodation of travellers: indeed, if every individual lived in
the same stile, you would not have such a number of guests at
your table, of consequence your hospitality would not shine so
bright for the glory of the West Riding.' The young 'squire,
tickled by this ironical observation, exclaimed, 'O che burla!' --
his mother eyed me in silence with a supercilious air; and the
father of the feast, taking a bumper of October, 'My service to
you, cousin Bramble (said he), I have always heard there was
something keen and biting in the air of the Welch mountains.'

I was much pleased with the count de Melville, who is sensible,
easy, and polite; and the countess is the most amiable woman I
ever beheld. In the afternoon they took leave of their
entertainers, and the young gentleman, mounting his horse,
undertook to conduct their coach through the park, while one of
their servants rode round to give notice to the rest, whom they
had left at a public house on the road. The moment their backs
were turned, the censorious daemon took possession of our
Yorkshire landlady and our sister Tabitha -- The former observed,
that the countess was a good sort of a body, but totally ignorant
of good breeding, consequently aukward in her address. The squire
said, he did not pretend to the breeding of any thing but colts;
but that the jade would be very handsome, if she was a little
more in flesh. 'Handsome! (cried Tabby) she has indeed a pair of
black eyes without any meaning; but then there is not a good
feature in her face.' 'I know not what you call good features in
Wales (replied our landlord); but they'll pass in Yorkshire.'
Then turning to Liddy, he added, 'What say you, my pretty
Redstreak? -- what is your opinion of the countess?' 'I think
(cried Liddy, with great emotion), she's an angel.' Tabby chid
her for talking with such freedom in company; and the lady of the
house said, in a contemptuous tone, she supposed miss had been
brought up at some country boarding-school.

Our conversation was suddenly interrupted by the young gentleman,
who galloped into the yard all aghast, exclaiming, that the coach
was attacked by a great number of highwaymen. My nephew and I
rushed out, found his own and his servant's horse ready saddled
in the stable, with pistols in the caps -- We mounted instantly,
ordering Clinker and Dutton to follow with all possible
expedition; but notwithstanding all the speed we could make, the
action was over before we arrived, and the count with his lady,
safe lodged at the house of Grieve, who had signalized himself
in a very remarkable manner on this occasion. At the turning of
a lane, that led to the village where the count's servants
remained, a couple of robbers a-horseback suddenly appeared, with
their pistols advanced: one kept the coachman in awe, and the
other demanded the count's money, while the young 'squire went
off at full speed, without ever casting a look behind. The count
desiring the thief to withdraw his pistol, as the lady was in
great terror, delivered his purse without making the least
resistance; but not satisfied with this booty, which was pretty
considerable, the rascal insisted upon rifling her of her car-rings
and necklace, and the countess screamed with affright. Her
husband, exasperated at the violence with which she was
threatened, wrested the pistol out of the fellow's hand, and
turning it upon him, snapped it in his face; but the robber
knowing there was no charge in it, drew another from his bosom,
and in all probability would have killed him on the spot, had not
his life been saved by a wonderful interposition. Grieve, the
apothecary, chancing to pass that very instant, ran up to the
coach, and with a crab-stick, which was all the weapon he had,
brought the fellow to the ground with the first blow; then
seizing his pistol, presented it at his colleague, who fired his
piece at random, and fled without further opposition. The other
was secured by the assistance of the count and the coachman; and
his legs being tied under the belly of his own horse, Grieve
conducted him to the village, whither also the carriage
proceeded. It was with great difficulty the countess could be
kept from swooning; but at last she was happily conveyed to the
house of the apothecary, who went into the shop to prepare some
drops for her, while his wife and daughter administered to her in
another apartment.

I found the count standing in the kitchen with the parson of the
parish, and expressing much impatience to see his protector, whom
as yet he had scarce found time to thank for the essential
service he had done him and the countess. -- The daughter passing
at the same time with a glass of water, monsieur de Melville
could not help taking notice of her figure, which was strikingly
engaging. -- 'Ay (said the parson), she is the prettiest girl, and
the best girl in all my parish: and if I could give my son an
estate of ten thousand a year, he should have my consent to lay
it at her feet. If Mr Grieve had been as solicitious about
getting money, as he has been in performing all the duties of a
primitive Christian, he would not have hung so long upon his
hands.' 'What is her name?' said I. 'Sixteen years ago (answered
the vicar) I christened her by the names of Seraphina Melvilia.'
'Ha! what! how! (cried the count eagerly) sure, you said
Seraphina Melvilia.' 'I did (said he); Mr Grieve told me those
were the names of two noble persons abroad, to whom he had been
obliged for more than life.'

The count, without speaking another syllable, rushed into the
parlour, crying, 'This is your god-daughter, my dear.' Mrs
Grieve, then seizing the countess by the hand, exclaimed with
great agitation, 'O madam! O sir! -- I am -- I am your poor Elinor. --
This is my Seraphina Melvilia O child! these are the count and
countess of Melville, the generous the glorious benefactors of
thy once unhappy parents.'

The countess rising from her scat threw her arms about the neck
of the amiable Seraphina, and clasped her to her breast with
great tenderness, while she herself was embraced by the weeping
mother. This moving scene was completed by the entrance of Grieve
himself, who falling on his knees before the count, 'Behold (said
he) a penitent, who at length can look upon his patron without
shrinking.' 'Ah, Ferdinand! (cried he, raising and folding him in
his arms) the playfellow of my infancy -- the companion of my
youth! -- Is it to you then I am indebted for my life?' 'Heaven has
heard my prayer (said the other), and given me an opportunity to
prove myself not altogether unworthy of your clemency and
protection.' He then kissed the hand of the countess, while
monsieur de Melville saluted his wife and lovely daughter, and
all of us were greatly affected by this pathetic recognition.

In a word, Grieve was no other than Ferdinand count Fathom, whose
adventures were printed many years ago. Being a sincere convert
to virtue, he had changed his name, that he might elude the
enquiries of the count, whose generous allowance he determined to
forego, that he might have no dependence but upon his own
industry and moderation. He had accordingly settled in this
village as a practitioner in surgery and physic, and for some
years wrestled with all the miseries of indigence, which,
however, he and his wife had borne with the most exemplary
resignation. At length, by dint of unwearied attention to the
duties of his profession, which he exercised with equal humanity
and success, he had acquired tolerable share of business among
the farmers and common people, which enabled him to live in a
decent manner. He had been scarce ever seen to smile; was
unaffectedly pious; and all the time he could spare from the
avocations of his employment, he spent in educating his daughter,
and in studying for his own improvement. In short, the adventurer
Fathom was, under the name of Grieve, universally respected among
the commonalty of this district, as a prodigy of learning and
virtue. These particulars I learned from the vicar, when we
quitted the room, that they might be under no restraint in their
mutual effusions. I make no doubt that Grieve will be pressed to
leave off business, and re-unite himself to the count's family;
and as the countess seemed extremely fond of his daughter, she
will, in all probability, insist upon Seraphina's accompanying
her to Scotland.

Having paid our compliments to these noble persons, we returned
to the 'squire's, where we expected an invitation to pass the
night, which was wet and raw; but it seems, 'squire Burdock's
hospitality reached not so far for the honour of Yorkshire; we
therefore departed in the evening, and lay at an inn, where I
caught cold.

In hope of riding it down before it could take fast hold on my
constitution, I resolved to visit another relation, one Mr
Pimpernel, who lived about a dozen miles from the place where we
lodged. Pimpernel being the youngest of four sons, was bred an
attorney at Furnival's inn; but all his elder brothers dying, he
got himself called to the bar for the honour of his family, and
soon after this preferment, succeeded to his father's estate
which was very considerable. He carried home with him all the
knavish chicanery of the lowest pettifogger, together with a wife
whom he had purchased of a drayman for twenty pounds; and he soon
found means to obtain a dedimus as an acting justice of peace. He
is not only a sordid miser in his disposition, but his avarice is
mingled with a spirit of despotism, which is truly diabolical. --
He is a brutal husband, an unnatural parent, a harsh master, an
oppressive landlord, a litigious neighbour, and a partial
magistrate. Friends he has none; and in point of hospitality and
good breeding, our cousin Burdock is a prince in comparison of
this ungracious miscreant, whose house is the lively
representation of a gaol. Our
reception was suitable to the character I have sketched. Had it
depended upon the wife, we should have been kindly treated. -- She
is really a good sort of a woman, in spite of her low original,
and well respected in the country; but she has not interest
enough in her own house to command a draught of table beer, far
less to bestow any kind of education on her children, who run
about, like tagged colts, in a state of nature. -- Pox on him! he
is such a dirty fellow, that I have not patience to prosecute the
subject.

By that time we reached Harrigate, I began to be visited by
certain rheumatic symptoms. The Scotch lawyer, Mr Micklewhimmen,
recommended a hot bath of these waters so earnestly, that I was
over-persuaded to try the experiment. -- He had used it often with
success and always stayed an hour in the bath, which was a tub
filled with Harrigate water, heated for the purpose. If I could
hardly bear the smell of a single tumbler when cold, you may
guess how my nose was regaled by the streams arising from a hot
bath of the same fluid. At night, I was conducted into a dark
hole on the ground floor, where the tub smoaked and stunk like
the pot of Acheron, in one corner, and in another stood a dirty
bed provided with thick blankets, in which I was to sweat after
coming out of the bath. My heart seemed to die within me when I
entered this dismal bagnio, and found my brain assaulted by such
insufferable effluvia. I cursed Micklewhimmen for not considering
that my organs were formed on this side of the Tweed; but being
ashamed to recoil upon the threshold, I submitted to the process.

After having endured all but real suffocation for above a quarter
of an hour in the tub, I was moved to the bed and wrapped in
blankets. -- There I lay a full hour panting with intolerable heat;
but not the least moisture appearing on my skin, I was carried to
my own chamber, and passed the night without closing an eye, in
such a flutter of spirits as rendered me the most miserable
wretch in being. I should certainly have run distracted, if the
rarefaction of my blood, occasioned by that Stygian bath, had not
burst the vessels, and produced a violent haemorrhage, which,
though dreadful and alarming, removed the horrible disquiet -- I
lost two pounds of blood, and more, on this occasion; and find
myself still weak and languid; but, I believe, a little exercise
will forward my recovery, and therefore I am resolved to set out
to-morrow for York, in my way to Scarborough, where I propose to
brace up my fibres by sea-bathing, which, I know, is one of your
favourite specificks. There is, however, one disease, for which
you have found as yet no specific, and that is old age, of which
this tedious unconnected epistle is an infallible symptom: what,
therefore, cannot be cured, must be endured, by you, as well as
by

Yours,
MATT. BRAMBLE
HARRIGATE, June 26.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR KNIGHT,

The manner of living at Harrigate was so agreeable to my
disposition, that I left the place with some regret -- Our aunt
Tabby would have probably made some objection to our departing so
soon, had not an accident embroiled her with Mr Micklewhimmen,
the Scotch advocate, on whose heart she had been practising, from
the second day after our arrival -- That original, though seemingly
precluded from the use of his limbs, had turned his genius to
good account -- In short, by dint of groaning, and whining, he had
excited the compassion of the company so effectually, that an old
lady, who occupied the very best apartment in the house, gave it
up for his case and convenience. When his man led him into the
Long Room, all the females were immediately in commotion -- One set
an elbow-chair; another shook up the cushion; a third brought a
stool; and a fourth a pillow, for the accommodation of his feet --
Two ladies (of whom Tabby was always one) supported him into the
dining-room, and placed him properly at the table; and his taste
was indulged with a succession of delicacies, culled by their
fair hands. All this attention he repaid with a profusion of
compliments and benedictions, which were not the less agreeable
for being delivered in the Scottish dialect. As for Mrs Tabitha,
his respects were particularly addressed to her, and he did not
fail to mingle them with religious reflections, touching free
grace, knowing her bias to methodism, which he also professed
upon a calvinistical model.

For my part, I could not help thinking this lawyer was not such
an invalid as he pretended to be. I observed he ate very heartily
three times a day; and though his bottle was marked stomachic
tincture, he had recourse to it so often, and seemed to swallow
it with such peculiar relish, that I suspected it was not
compounded in the apothecary's shop, or the chemist's laboratory.
One day, while he was earnest in discourse with Mrs Tabitha, and
his servant had gone out on some occasion or other, I dexterously
exchanged the labels, and situation of his bottle and mine; and
having tasted his tincture, found it was excellent claret. I
forthwith handed it about me to some of my neighbours, and it was
quite emptied before Mr Micklewhimmen had occasion to repeat his
draught. At length, turning about, he took hold of my bottle,
instead of his own, and, filling a large glass, drank to the
health of Mrs Tabitha. It had scarce touched his lips, when he
perceived the change which had been put upon him, and was at
first a little out of countenance. He seemed to retire within
himself, in order to deliberate, and in half a minute his
resolution was taken; addressing himself to our quarter, 'I give
the gentleman credit for his wit (said he); it was a gude
practical joke; but sometimes hi joci in seria ducunt mala -- I
hope for his own sake he has na drank all the liccor; for it was
a vara poorful infusion of jallap in Bourdeaux wine; at its
possable he may ha ta'en sic a dose as will produce a terrible
catastrophe in his ain booels --'

By far the greater part of the contents had fallen to the share
of a young clothier from Leeds, who had come to make a figure at
Harrigate, and was, in effect a great coxcomb in his way. It was
with a view to laugh at his fellow-guests, as well as to mortify
the lawyer, that he had emptied the bottle, when it came to his
turn, and he had laughed accordingly: but now his mirth gave way
to his apprehension -- He began to spit, to make wry faces, and
writhe himself into various contorsions -- 'Damn the stuff! (cried
he) I thought it had a villainous twang -- pah! He that would cozen
a Scot, mun get oope betimes, and take Old Scratch for his
counsellor --' 'In troth mester what d'ye ca'um (replied the
lawyer), your wit has run you into a filthy puddle -- I'm truly
consarned for your waeful case -- The best advice I can give you,
in sic a delemma, is to send an express to Rippon for doctor
Waugh, without delay, and, in the mean time, swallow all the oil
and butter you can find in the hoose, to defend your poor stomach
and intastines from the villication of the particles of the
jallap, which is vara violent, even when taken in moderation.'

The poor clothier's torments had already begun: he retired,
roaring with pain, to his own chamber; the oil was swallowed, and
the doctor sent for; but before he arrived, the miserable patient
had made such discharges upwards and downwards, that nothing
remained to give him further offence; and this double evacuation,
was produced by imagination alone; for what he had drank was
genuine wine of Bourdeaux, which the lawyer had brought from
Scotland for his own private use. The clothier, finding the joke
turn out so expensive and disagreeable, quitted the house next
morning, leaving the triumph to Micklewhimmen, who enjoyed it
internally without any outward signs of exultation -- on the
contrary, he affected to pity the young man for what he had
suffered; and acquired fresh credit from this shew of moderation.

It was about the middle of the night, which succeeded this
adventure, that the vent of the kitchen chimney being foul, the
soot took fire, and the alarm was given in a dreadful manner.
Every body leaped naked out of bed, and in a minute the whole
house was filled with cries and confusion -- There was two stairs
in the house, and to these we naturally ran; but they were both
so blocked up, by the people pressing one upon another, that it
seemed impossible to pass, without throwing down and trampling
upon the women. In the midst of this anarchy, Mr Micklewhimmen,
with a leathern portmanteau on his back, came running as nimble
as a buck along the passage; and Tabby in her underpetticoat,
endeavouring to hook him under the arm, that she might escape
through his protection, he very fairly pushed her down, crying,
'Na, na, gude faith, charity begins at hame!' Without paying the
least respect to the shrieks and intreaties of his female
friends, he charged through the midst of the crowd, overturning
every thing that opposed him; and actually fought his way to the
bottom of the Stair-case -- By this time Clinker had found a ladder
by which he entered the window of my uncle's chamber, where our
family was assembled, and proposed that we should make our exit
successively by that conveyance. The 'squire exhorted his sister
to begin the descent; but, before she could resolve, her woman,
Mrs Winifred Jenkins, in a transport of terror, threw herself out at
the window upon the ladder, while Humphry dropped upon the
ground, that he might receive her in her descent -- This maiden was
just as she had started out of bed, the moon shone very bright,
and a fresh breeze of wind blowing, none of Mrs Winifred's
beauties could possibly escape the view of the fortunate Clinker,
whose heart was not able to withstand the united force of so many
charms; at least I am much mistaken, if he has not been her
humble slave from that moment -- He received her in his arms, and,
giving her his coat to protect her from the weather, ascended
again with admirable dexterity.

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