The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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At that instant, the landlord of the house called out with an
audible voice, that the fire was extinguished, and the ladies had
nothing further to fear: this was a welcome note to the audience,
and produced an immediate effect; the shrieking ceased, and a
confused sound of expostulation ensued. I conducted Mrs Tabitha
and my sister to their own chamber, where Liddy fainted away; but
was soon brought to herself. Then I went to offer my services to
the other ladies, who might want assistance -- They were all
scudding through the passage to their several apartments; and as
the thoroughfair was lighted by two lamps, I had a pretty good
observation of them in their transit; but as most of them were
naked to the smock, and all their heads shrowded in huge
nightcaps, I could not distinguish one face from another, though
I recognized some of their voices -- These were generally
plaintive; some wept, some scolded, and some prayed -- I lifted up
one poor old gentlewoman, who had been overturned and sore
bruised by a multitude of feet; and this was also the case with
the lame person from Northumberland, whom Micklewhimmen had in
his passage overthrown, though not with impunity, for the
cripple, in falling, gave him such a good pelt on the head with
his crutch, that the blood followed.

As for this lawyer, he waited below till the hurly burly was
over, and then stole softly to his own chamber, from whence he
did not venture to make a second sally till eleven in the
forenoon, when he was led into the Public Room, by his own
servant and another assistant, groaning most woefully, with a
bloody napkin round his head. But things were greatly altered --
The selfish brutality of his behaviour on the stairs had steeled
their hearts against all his arts and address -- Not a soul offered
to accommodate him with a chair, cushion, or footstool; so that
he was obliged to sit down on a hard bench -- In that position, he
looked around with a rueful aspect, and, bowing very low, said in
a whining tone, 'Your most humble servant, ladies -- Fire is a
dreadful calamity' -- 'Fire purifies gold, and it ties friendship,'
cried Mrs Tabitha, bridling. 'Yea, madam (replied Micklewhimmen);
and it trieth discretion also' -- 'If discretion consists in
forsaking a friend in adversity, you are eminently possessed of
that virtue' (resumed our aunt). -- 'Na, madam (rejoined the
advocate), well I wot, I cannot claim any merit from the mode of
my retreat -- Ye'll please to observe, ladies, there are twa
independent principles that actuate our nature -- One is instinct,
which we have in common with the brute creation, and the other is
reason -- Noo, in certain great emergencies, when the faculty of
reason is suspended, instinct taks the lead, and when this
predominates, having no affinity with reason, it pays no sort of
regard to its connections; it only operates for the preservation
of the individual, and that by the most expeditious and effectual
means; therefore, begging your pardon, ladies, I'm no accountable
in foro conscientioe for what I did, while under the influence of
this irresistible pooer.'

Here my uncle interposing, 'I should be glad to know (said he),
whether it was instinct that prompted you to retreat with bag and
baggage; for, I think, you had a portmanteau on your shoulder'
The lawyer answered, without hesitation, 'Gif I might tell my
mind freely, withoot incuring the suspicion of presumption, I
should think it was something superior to either reason or
instinct which suggested that measure, and this on a twafold
accoont: in the first place, the portmanteau contained the
writings of a worthy nobleman's estate; and their being burnt
would have occasioned a loss that could not be repaired;
secondly, my good angel seems to have laid the portmanteau on my
shoulders, by way of defence, to sustain the violence of a most
inhuman blow, from the crutch of a reverend clergyman, which,
even in spite of that medium, hath wounded me sorely, even unto
the pericranium.' 'By your own doctrine (cried the parson, who
chanced to be present), I am not accountable for the blow, which
was the effect of instinct.' 'I crave your pardon, reverend sir
(said the other), instinct never acts but for the preservation of
the individual; but your preservation was out of the case -- you
had already received the damage, and therefore the blow must be
imputed to revenge, which is a sinful passion, that ill becomes
any Christian, especially a protestant divine; and let me tell
you, most reverend doctor, gin I had a mind to plea, the law
would hauld my libel relevant.' 'Why, the damage is pretty equal
on both sides (cried the parson); your head is broke, and my
crutch is snapt in the middle. Now, if you will repair the one, I
will be at the expence of curing the other.'

This sally raised the laugh against Micklewhimmen, who began to
look grave; when my uncle, in order to change the discourse,
observed, that instinct had been very kind to him in another
respect; for it had restored to him the use of his limbs, which,
in his exit, he had moved with surprising agility. -- He replied,
that it was the nature of fear to brace up the nerves; and
mentioned some surprising feats of strength and activity
performed by persons under the impulse of terror; but he
complained that in his own particular, the effects had ceased
when the cause was taken away -- The 'squire said, he would lay a
tea-drinking on his head, that he should dance a Scotch measure,
without making a false step; and the advocate grinning, called
for the piper -- A fidler being at hand, this original started up,
with his bloody napkin over his black tye-periwig, and acquitted
himself in such a manner as excited the mirth of the whole
company; but he could not regain the good graces of Mrs Tabby,
who did not understand the principle of instinct; and the lawyer
did not think it worth his while to proceed to further
demonstration.

From Harrigate, we came hither, by the way of York, and here we
shall tarry some days, as my uncle and Tabitha are both resolved
to make use of the waters. Scarborough, though a paltry town, is
romantic from its situation along a cliff that over-hangs the
sea. The harbour is formed by a small elbow of land that runs out
as a natural mole, directly opposite to the town; and on that
side is the castle, which stands very high, of considerable
extent, and, before the invention of gun-powder, was counted
impregnable. At the other end of Scarborough are two public rooms
for the use of the company, who resort to this place in the
summer to drink the waters and bathe in the sea; and the
diversions are pretty much on the same footing here as at Bath.
The Spa is a little way beyond the town, on this side, under a
cliff, within a few paces of the sea, and thither the drinkers go
every morning in dishabille; but the descent is by a great number
of steps, which invalids find very inconvenient. Betwixt the well
and the harbour, the bathing machines are ranged along the beach,
with all their proper utensils and attendants. You have never seen
one of these machines -- Image to yourself a small, snug, wooden
chamber, fixed upon a wheel-carriage, having a door at each end,
and on each side a little window above, a bench below -- The
bather, ascending into this apartment by wooden steps, shuts
himself in, and begins to undress, while the attendant yokes a
horse to the end next the sea, and draws the carriage forwards,
till the surface of the water is on a level with the floor of the
dressing-room, then he moves and fixes the horse to the other
end -- The person within being stripped, opens the door to the sea-ward,
where he finds the guide ready, and plunges headlong into
the water -- After having bathed, he re-ascends into the apartment,
by the steps which had been shifted for that purpose, and puts on
his clothes at his leisure, while the carriage is drawn back
again upon the dry land; so that he has nothing further to do,
but to open the door, and come down as he went up -- Should he be
so weak or ill as to require a servant to put off and on his
clothes, there is room enough in the apartment for half a dozen
people. The guides who attend the ladies in the water, are of
their own sex, and they and the female bathers have a dress of
flannel for the sea; nay, they are provided with other
conveniences for the support of decorum. A certain number of the
machines are fitted with tilts, that project from the sea-ward
ends of them, so as to screen the bathers from the view of all
persons whatsoever -- The beach is admirably adapted for this
practice, the descent being gently gradual, and the sand soft as
velvet; but then the machines can be used only at a certain time
of the tide, which varies every day; so that sometimes the
bathers are obliged to rise very early in the morning -- For my
part, I love swimming as an exercise, and can enjoy it at all
times of the tide, without the formality of an apparatus -- You and
I have often plunged together into the Isis; but the sea is a
much more noble bath, for health as well as pleasure. You cannot
conceive what a flow of spirits it gives, and how it braces every
sinew of the human frame. Were I to enumerate half the diseases
which are every day cured by sea-bathing, you might justly say
you had received a treatise, instead of a letter, from

Your affectionate friend
and servant,
J. MELFORD
SCARBOROUGH, July 1.

To Dr LEWIS.

I have not found all the benefit I expected at Scarborough, where
I have been these eight days -- From Harrigate we came hither by
the way of York, where we stayed only one day to visit the
Castle, the Minster and the Assembly-room. The first, which was
heretofore a fortress, is now converted to a prison, and is the
best, in all respects, I ever saw, at home or abroad -- It stands
in a high situation, extremely well ventilated; and has a
spacious area within the walls, for the health and convenience of
all the prisoners except those whom it is necessary to secure in
close confinement. Even these last have all the comforts that the
nature of their situation can admit. Here the assizes are held,
in a range of buildings erected for that purpose.

As for the Minster, I know not how to distinguish it, except by
its great size and the height of its spire, from those other
ancient churches in different parts of the kingdom, which used to
be called monuments of Gothic architecture; but it is now agreed,
that this stile is Saracen rather than Gothic; and, I suppose, it
was first imported into England from Spain, great part of which
was under the dominion of the Moors. Those British architects who
adopted this stile, don't seem to have considered the propriety
of their adoption. The climate of the country, possessed by the
Moors or Saracens, both in Africa and Spain, was so exceedingly
hot and dry, that those who built places of worship for the
multitude, employed their talents in contriving edifices that
should be cool; and, for this purpose, nothing could be better
adopted than those buildings, vast, narrow, dark, and lofty,
impervious to the sun-beams, and having little communication with
the scorched external atmosphere; but ever affording a refreshing
coolness, like subterranean cellars in the heats of summer, or
natural caverns in the bowels of huge mountains. But nothing
could be more preposterous, than to imitate such a mode of
architecture in a country like England, where the climate is
cold, and the air eternally loaded with vapours; and where, of
consequence, the builder's intention should be to keep the people
dry and warm -- For my part, I never entered the Abbey church at
Bath but once, and the moment I stept over the threshold, I found
myself chilled to the very marrow of my bones. When we consider,
that in our churches, in general, we breathe a gross stagnated
air, surcharged with damps from vaults, tombs, and charnel-houses,
may we not term them so many magazines of rheums, created
for the benefit of the medical faculty? and safely aver, that
more bodies are lost, than souls saved, by going to church, in
the winter especially, which may be said to engross eight months
in the year. I should be glad to know, what offence it would give
to tender consciences, if the house of God was made more
comfortable, or less dangerous to the health of valetudinarians;
and whether it would not be an encouragement to piety, as well as
the salvation of many lives, if the place of worship was well
floored, wainscotted, warmed, and ventilated, and its area kept
sacred from the pollution of the dead. The practice of burying in
churches was the effect of ignorant superstition, influenced by
knavish priests, who pretended that the devil could have no power
over the defunct if he was interred in holy ground; and this
indeed, is the only reason that can be given for consecrating all
cemeteries, even at this day.

The external appearance of an old cathedral cannot be but
displeasing to the eye of every man, who has any idea of
propriety or proportion, even though he may be ignorant of
architecture as a science; and the long slender spire puts one in
mind of a criminal impaled with a sharp stake rising up through
his shoulder -- These towers, or steeples, were likewise borrowed
from the Mahometans; who, having no bells, used such minarets for
the purpose of calling the people to prayers -- They may be of
further use, however, for making observations and signals; but I
would vote for their being distinct from the body of the church,
because they serve only to make the pile more barbarous, or
Saracenical.

There is nothing of this Arabic architecture in the Assembly
Room, which seems to me to have been built upon a design of
Palladio, and might be converted into an elegant place of
worship; but it is indifferently contrived for that sort of
idolatry which is performed in it at present: the grandeur of the
fane gives a diminutive effect to the little painted divinities
that are adorned in it, and the company, on a ball-night, must
look like an assembly of fantastic fairies, revelling by
moonlight among the columns of a Grecian temple.

Scarborough seems to be falling off, in point of reputation. All
these places (Bath excepted) have their vogue, and then the
fashion changes. I am persuaded, there are fifty spaws in England
as efficacious and salutary as that of Scarborough, though they
have not yet risen to fame; and, perhaps, never will, unless some
medical encomiast should find an interest in displaying their
virtues to the public view -- Be that as it may, recourse will
always be had to this place for the convenience of sea bathing,
while this practice prevails; but it were to be wished, they
would make the beach more accessible to invalids.

I have here met with my old acquaintance, H[ewet]t, whom you have
often heard me mention as one of the most original characters
upon earth -- I first knew him at Venice, and afterwards saw him in
different parts of Italy, where he was well known by the nick-name
of Cavallo Bianco, from his appearing always mounted on a
pale horse, like Death in the Revelations. You must remember the
account I once gave you of a curious dispute he had at
Constantinople, with a couple of Turks, in defence of the
Christian religion; a dispute from which he acquired the epithet
of Demonstrator -- The truth is, H-- owns no religion but that of
nature; but, on this occasion, he was stimulated to shew his
parts, for the honour of his country -- Some years ago, being in
the Campidoglio at Rome, he made up to the bust of Jupiter, and,
bowing very low, exclaimed in the Italian language, 'I hope, sir,
if ever you get your head above water again, you will remember
that I paid my respects to you in your adversity.' This sally was
reported to the cardinal Camerlengo, and by him laid before pope
Benedict XIV, who could not help laughing at the extravagance of
the address, and said to the cardinal, 'Those English heretics
think they have a right to go to the devil in their own way.'

Indeed H-- was the only Englishman I ever knew, who had
resolution enough to live in his own way, in the midst of
foreigners; for, neither in dress, diet, customs, or
conversation, did he deviate one tittle from the manner in which
he had been brought up. About twelve years ago, he began a Giro
or circuit, which he thus performed -- At Naples, where he fixed
his headquarters, he embarked for Marseilles, from whence he
travelled with a Voiturin to Antibes -- There he took his passage
to Genoa and Lerici; from which last place he proceeded, by the
way of Cambratina, to Pisa and Florence -- After having halted some
time in this metropolis, he set out with a Vetturino for Rome,
where he reposed himself a few weeks, and then continued his
route for Naples, in order to wait for the next opportunity of
embarkation -- After having twelve times described this circle, he
lately flew off at a tangent to visit some trees at his country-house
in England, which he had planted above twenty years ago,
after the plan of the double colonnade in the piazza of St
Peter's at Rome -- He came hither to Scarborough, to pay his
respects to his noble friend and former pupil, the M-- of G--,
and, forgetting that he is now turned of seventy, sacrificed so
liberally to Bacchus, that next day he was seized with a fit of
the apoplexy, which has a little impaired his memory; but he
retains all the oddity of his character in perfection, and is
going back to Italy by the way of Geneva, that he may have a
conference with his friend Voltaire, about giving the last blow
to the Christian superstition -- He intends to take shipping here
for Holland or Hamburgh; for it is a matter of great indifference
to him at what part of the continent he first lands.

When he was going abroad the last time, he took his passage in a
ship bound for Leghorn, and his baggage was actually embarked. In
going down the river by water, he was by mistake put on board of
another vessel under sail; and, upon inquiry understood she was
bound to Petersburgh -- 'Petersburgh, -- Petersburgh (said he) I
don't care if I go along with you.' He forthwith struck a bargain
with the captain; bought a couple of shirts of the mate, and was
safe conveyed to the court of Muscovy, from whence he travelled
by land to receive his baggage at Leghorn -- He is now more likely
than ever to execute a whim of the same nature; and I will hold
any wager, that as he cannot be supposed to live much longer,
according to the course of nature, his exit will be as odd as his
life has been extravagant.

[This gentleman crossed the sea to France, visited and conferred
with Mr de Voltaire at Fernay, resumed his old circuit at Genoa,
and died in 1767, at the house of Vanini in Florence. Being taken
with a suppression of urine, he resolved, in imitation of
Pomponius Atticus, to take himself off by abstinence; and this
resolution he executed like an ancient Roman. He saw company to
the last, cracked his jokes, conversed freely, and entertained
his guests with music. On the third day of his fast, he found
himself entirely freed of his complaint; but refused taking
sustenance. He said the most disagreeable part of the voyage was
past, and he should be a cursed fool indeed, to put about ship,
when he was just entering the harbour. In these sentiments he
persisted, without any marks of affectation, and thus finished
his course with such case and serenity, as would have done honour
to the firmest Stoic of antiquity.]

But, to return from one humourist to another, you must know I
have received benefit, both from the chalybeate and the sea, and
would have used them longer, had not a most ridiculous adventure,
by making me the town-talk, obliged me to leave the place; for I
can't bear the thoughts of affording a spectacle to the multitude
Yesterday morning, at six o'clock, I went down to the bathing-place,
attended by my servant Clinker, who waited on the beach as
usual -- The wind blowing from the north, and the weather being
hazy, the water proved so chill, that when I rose from my first
plunge, I could not help sobbing and bawling out, from the
effects of the cold. Clinker, who heard me cry, and saw me
indistinctly a good way without the guide, buffetting the waves,
took it for granted I was drowning, and rushing into the sea,
clothes and all, overturned the guide in his hurry to save his
master. I had swam out a few strokes, when hearing a noise, I
turned about and saw Clinker, already up to his neck, advancing
towards me, with all the wildness of terror in his aspect -- Afraid
he would get out of his depth, I made haste to meet him, when,
all of a sudden, he seized me by one ear, dragged me bellowing
with pain upon the dry beach, to the astonishment of all the
people, men, and women, and children there assembled.

I was so exasperated by the pain of my ear, and the disgrace of
being exposed in such an attitude, that, in the first transport I
struck him down; then, running back into the sea, took shelter in
the machine where my clothes had been deposited. I soon
recollected myself so far as to do justice to the poor fellow,
who, in great simplicity of heart, had acted from motives of
fidelity and affection -- Opening the door of the machine, which
was immediately drawn on shore, I saw him standing by the wheel,
dropping like a water-work, and trembling from head to foot;
partly from cold, and partly from the dread of having offended
his master -- I made my acknowledgments for the blow he had
received, assured him I was not angry, and insisted upon his
going home immediately, to shift his clothes; a command which he
could hardly find in his heart to execute, so well disposed was
he to furnish the mob with further entertainment at my expence.
Clinker's intention was laudable without all doubt, but,
nevertheless, I am a sufferer by his simplicity -- I have had a
burning heat, and a strange buzzing noise in that ear, ever since
it was so roughly treated; and I cannot walk the street without
being pointed at; as the monster that was hauled naked a-shore
upon the beach -- Well, I affirm that folly is often more provoking
than knavery, aye and more mischievous too; and whether a man had
not better choose a sensible rogue, than an honest simpleton for
his servant, is no matter of doubt with

Yours,
MATT. BRAMBLE
SCARBOROUGH, July 4.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR WAT,

We made a precipitate retreat from Scarborough, owing to the
excessive delicacy of our 'squire, who cannot bear the thoughts
of being proetereuntium digito monstratus.

One morning, while he was bathing in the sea, his man Clinker
took it in his head that his master was in danger of drowning;
and, in this conceit, plunging into the water, he lugged him out
naked on the beach, and almost pulled off his ear in the
operation. You may guess how this atchievement was relished by Mr
Bramble, who is impatient, irascible, and has the most
extravagant ideas of decency and decorum in the oeconomy of his
own person -- In the first ebullition of his choler, he knocked
Clinker down with his fist; but he afterwards made him amends for
his outrage, and, in order to avoid further notice of the people,
among whom this incident had made him remarkable, he resolved to
leave Scarborough next day.

We set out accordingly over the moors, by the way of Whitby, and
began our journey betimes, in hopes of reaching Stockton that
night; but in this hope we were disappointed -- In the afternoon,
crossing a deep gutter, made by a torrent, the coach was so hard
strained, that one of the irons, which connect the frame, snapt,
and the leather sling on the same side, cracked in the middle. The
shock was so great, that my sister Liddy struck her head against
Mrs Tabitha's nose with such violence that the blood flowed; and
Win. Jenkins was darted through a small window in that part of
the carriage next the horses, where she stuck like a bawd in the
pillory, till she was released by the hand of Mr Bramble. We were
eight miles distant from any place where we could be supplied
with chaises, and it was impossible to proceed with the coach,
until the damage should be repaired -- in this dilemma, we
discovered a blacksmith's forge on the edge of a small common,
about half a mile from the scene of our disaster, and thither the
postilions made shift to draw the carriage, slowly, while the
company walked a-foot; but we found the black-smith had been dead
some days; and his wife, who had been lately delivered, was
deprived of her senses, under the care of a nurse, hired by the
parish. We were exceedingly mortified at this disappointment,
which, however, was surmounted by the help of Humphry Clinker,
who is a surprising compound of genius and simplicity. Finding
the tools of the defunct, together with some coals in the smithy,
he unscrewed the damaged iron in a twinkling, and, kindling a
fire, united the broken pieces with equal dexterity and dispatch --
While he was at work upon this operation, the poor woman in the
straw, struck with the well-known sound of the hammer and anvil,
started up, and, notwithstanding all the nurse's efforts, came
running into the smithy, where, throwing her arms about Clinker's
neck, 'Ah, Jacob (cried she) how could you leave me in such a
condition?'

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