The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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This incident was too pathetic to occasion mirth -- it brought
tears into the eyes of all present. The poor widow was put to bed
again; and we did not leave the village without doing something
for her benefit -- Even Tabitha's charity was awakened on this
occasion. As for the tender-hearted Humphry Clinker, he hammered
the iron and wept at the same time -- But his ingenuity was not
confined to his own province of farrier and black-smith -- It was
necessary to join the leather sling, which had been broke; and
this service he likewise performed, by means of a broken awl,
which he new-pointed and ground, a little hemp, which he spun
into lingels, and a few tacks which he made for the purpose. Upon
the whole, we were in a condition to proceed in little more than
an hour; but even this delay obliged us to pass the night at
Gisborough -- Next day we crossed the Tees at Stockton, which is a
neat agreeable town; and there we resolved to dine, with purpose
to lie at Durham.

Whom should we meet in the yard, when we alighted, but Martin the
adventurer? Having handed out the ladies, and conducted them into
an apartment, where he payed his compliments to Mrs Tabby, with
his usual address, he begged leave to speak to my uncle in
another room; and there, in some confusion, he made an apology
for having taken the liberty to trouble him with a letter at
Stevenage. He expressed his hope, that Mr Bramble had bestowed
some consideration on his unhappy case, and repeated his desire
of being taken into his service.

My uncle, calling me into the room, told him, that we were both
very well inclined to rescue him from a way of life that was
equally dangerous and dishonourable; and that he should have no
scruples in trusting to his gratitude and fidelity, if he had any
employment for him, which he thought would suit his
qualifications and his circumstances; but that all the
departments he had mentioned in his letter, were filled up by
persons of whose conduct he had no reason to complain; of
consequence he could not, without injustice, deprive any one of
them of his bread. Nevertheless, he declared himself ready to
assist him in any feasible project, either with his purse or
credit.

Martin seemed deeply touched at this declaration -- The tear
started in his eye, while he said, in a faultering accent --
'Worthy sir -- your generosity oppresses me -- I never dreamed of
troubling you for any pecuniary assistance -- indeed I have no
occasion -- I have been so lucky at billiards and betting in
different places, at Buxton, Harrigate, Scarborough, and
Newcastle races, that my stock in ready-money amounts to three
hundred pounds, which I would willingly employ, in prosecuting
some honest scheme of life; but my friend, justice Buzzard, has
set so many springs for my life, that I am under the necessity of
either retiring immediately to a remote part of the country,
where I can enjoy the protection of some generous patron, or of
quitting the kingdom altogether. It is upon this alternative that
I now beg leave to ask your advice. I have had information of all
your route, since I had the honour to see you at Stevenage; and,
supposing you would come this way from Scarborough, I came hither
last night from Darlington, to pay you my respects.'

'It would be no difficult matter to provide you with an asylum in
the country (replied my uncle); but a life of indolence and
obscurity would not suit with your active and enterprizing
disposition -- I would therefore advise you to try your fortune in
the East Indies -- I will give you a letter to a friend in London,
who will recommend you to the direction, for a commission in the
company's service; and if that cannot be obtained, you will at
least be received as a volunteer -- in which case, you may pay for
your passage, and I shall undertake to procure you such
credentials, that you will not be long without a commission.'

Martin embraced the proposal with great eagerness; it was
therefore resolved, that he should sell his horse, and take a
passage by sea for London, to execute the project without delay --
In the mean time he accompanied us to Durham, were we took up our
quarters for the night. Here, being furnished with letters from my
uncle, he took his leave of us, with strong symptoms of gratitude
and attachment, and set out for Sunderland, in order to embark in
the first collier, bound for the river Thames. He had not been
gone half an hour, when we were joined by another character,
which promised something extraordinary -- A tall, meagre figure,
answering, with his horse, the description of Don Quixote mounted
on Rozinante, appeared in the twilight at the inn door, while my
aunt and Liddy stood at a window in the dining-room -- He wore a
coat, the cloth of which had once been scarlet, trimmed with
Brandenburgs, now totally deprived of their metal, and he had
holstercaps and housing of the same stuff and same antiquity.
Perceiving ladies at the window above, he endeavoured to dismount
with the most graceful air he could assume; but the ostler
neglecting to hold the stirrup when he wheeled off his right
foot, and stood with his whole weight on the other, the girth
unfortunately gave way, the saddle turned, down came the cavalier
to the ground, and his hat and perriwig falling off, displayed a
head-piece of various colours, patched and plaistered in a woeful
condition -- The ladies, at the window above, shrieked with
affright, on the supposition that the stranger had received some
notable damages in his fall; but the greatest injury he had
sustained arose from the dishonour of his descent, aggravated by
the disgrace of exposing the condition of his cranium; for
certain plebeians that were about the door, laughed aloud, in the
belief that the captain had got either a scald head, or a broken
head, both equally opprobrious.

He forthwith leaped up in a fury, and snatching one of his
pistols, threatened to put the ostler to death, when another
squall from the women checked his resentment. He then bowed to
the window, while he kissed the butt-end of his pistol, which he
replaced; adjusted his wig in great confusion, and led his horse
into the stable -- By this time I had come to the door, and could
not help gazing at the strange figure that presented itself to my
view. He would have measured above six feet in height had he stood
upright; but he stooped very much; was very narrow in the
shoulders, and very thick in the calves of his legs, which were
cased in black spatterdashes -- As for his thighs, they were long
and slender, like those of a grasshopper; his face was, at least,
half a yard in length, brown and shrivelled, with projecting
cheek-bones, little grey eyes on the greenish hue, a large hook-nose,
a pointed chin, a mouth from ear to car, very ill furnished
with teeth, and a high, narrow fore-head, well furrowed with
wrinkles. His horse was exactly in the stile of its rider; a
resurrection of dry bones, which (as we afterwards learned) he
valued exceedingly, as the only present he had ever received in
his life.

Having seen this favourite steed properly accommodated in the
stable, he sent up his compliments to the ladies, begging
permission to thank them in person for the marks of concern they
had shewn at his disaster in the court yard -- As the 'squire said
they could not decently decline his visit, he was shewn up stairs
and paid his respects in the Scotch dialect, with much formality
'Leddies (said he), perhaps ye may be scandaleezed at the
appearance of my heed made, when it was uncovered by accident;
but I can assure you, the condition you saw it in, is neither the
effects of diseases, nor of drunkenness: but an honest scar
received in the service of my country.' He then gave us to
understand, that having been wounded at Ticonderoga, in America,
a party of Indians rifled him, scalped him, broke his scull with
the blow of a tomahawk, and left him for dead on the field of
battle; but that being afterwards found with signs of life, he
had been cured in the French hospital, though the loss of
substance could not be repaired; so that the scull was left naked
in several places, and these he covered with patches.

There is no hold by which an Englishman is sooner taken than that
of compassion -- We were immediately interested in behalf of this
veteran. Even Tabby's heart was melted; but our pity was warmed
with indignation, when we learned, that in the course of two
sanguinary wars, he had been wounded, maimed, mutilated, taken,
and enslaved, without ever having attained a higher rank than
that of lieutenant -- My uncle's eyes gleamed, and his nether lip
quivered, while he exclaimed, 'I vow to God, sir, your case is a
reproach to the service -- The injustice you have met with is so
flagrant' -- 'I must crave your pardon, sir (cried the other,
interrupting him), I complain of no injustice -- I purchased an
ensigncy thirty years ago; and, in the course of service rose to
a lieutenant, according to my seniority' -- 'But in such a length
of time (resumed the 'squire), you must have seen a great many
young officers put over your head' -- 'Nevertheless (said he), I
have no cause to murmur -- They bought their preferment with their
money -- I had no money to carry to market that was my misfortune;
but no body was to blame' -- 'What! no friend to advance a sum of
money?' (said Mr Bramble) 'Perhaps, I might have borrowed money
for the purchase of a company (answered the other); but that loan
must have been refunded; and I did not chuse to incumber myself
with a debt of a thousand pounds, to be payed from an income of
ten shillings a-day.' 'So you have spent the best part of your
life (cried Mr Bramble), your youth, your blood, and your
constitution, amidst the dangers, the difficulties, the horrors
and hardships of a war, for the consideration of three or four
shillings a-day a consideration --' 'Sir (replied the Scot, with
great warmth), you are the man that does me injustice, if you say
or think I have been actuated by any such paltry consideration -- I
am a gentleman; and entered the service as other gentlemen do,
with such hopes and sentiments as honourable ambition inspires --
If I have not been lucky in the lottery of life, so neither do I
think myself unfortunate -- I owe to no man a farthing; I can
always command a clean shirt, a mutton-chop, and a truss of
straw; and when I die, I shall leave effects sufficient to defray
the expence of my burial.'

My uncle assured him, he had no intention to give him the least
offence, by the observations he had made; but, on the contrary,
spoke from a sentiment of friendly regard to his interest -- The
lieutenant thanked him with a stiffness of civility, which
nettled our old gentleman, who perceived that his moderation was
all affected; for, whatsoever his tongue might declare, his whole
appearance denoted dissatisfaction -- In short, without pretending
to judge of his military merit, I think I may affirm, that this
Caledonian is a self-conceited pedant, aukward, rude, and
disputacious -- He has had the benefit of a school-education, seems
to have read a good number of books, his memory is tenacious, and
he pretends to speak several different languages; but he is so
addicted to wrangling, that he will cavil at the clearest truths,
and, in the pride of argumentation, attempt to reconcile
contradictions -- Whether his address and qualifications are really
of that stamp which is agreeable to the taste of our aunt, Mrs
Tabitha, or that indefatigable maiden is determined to shoot at
every sort of game, certain it is she has begun to practice upon
the heart of the lieutenant, who favoured us with his company to
supper.

I have many other things to say of this man of war, which I shall
communicate in a post or two; mean while, it is but reasonable
that you should be indulged with some respite from those weary
lucubrations of

Yours,
J. MELFORD
NEWCASTLE UPON TYNE, July 10.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR PHILLIPS,

In my last I treated you with a high flavoured dish, in the
character of the Scotch lieutenant, and I must present him once
more for your entertainment. It was our fortune to feed upon him
the best part of three days; and I do not doubt that he will
start again in our way before we shall have finished our northern
excursion. The day after our meeting with him at Durham proved so
tempestuous that we did not choose to proceed on our journey; and
my uncle persuaded him to stay till the weather should clear up,
giving him, at the same time, a general invitation to our mess.
The man has certainly gathered a whole budget of shrewd
observations, but he brings them forth in such an ungracious
manner as would be extremely disgusting, if it was not marked by
that characteristic oddity which never fails to attract the
attention -- He and Mr Bramble discoursed, and even disputed, on
different subjects in war, policy, the belles lettres, law, and
metaphysics; and sometimes they were warmed into such altercation
as seemed to threaten an abrupt dissolution of their society; but
Mr Bramble set a guard over his own irascibility, the more
vigilantly as the officer was his guest; and when, in spite of
all his efforts, he began to wax warm, the other prudently cooled
in the same proportion.

Mrs Tabitha chancing to accost her brother by the familiar
diminutive of Matt, 'Pray, sir (said the lieutenant), 'is your
name Matthias?' You must know it is one of our uncle's foibles to
be ashamed of his name Matthew, because it is puritanical; and
this question chagrined him so much, that he answered, 'No, by G-d!'
in a very abrupt tone of displeasure. -- The Scot took umbrage
at the manner of his reply, and bristling up, 'If I had known
(said he) that you did not care to tell your name, I should not
have asked the question -- The leddy called you Matt, and I
naturally thought it was Matthias: -- perhaps, it may be
Methuselah, or Metrodorus, or Metellus, or Mathurinus, or
Malthinnus, or Matamorus, or --' 'No (cried my uncle laughing), it
is neither of those, captain: my name is Matthew Bramble, at,
your service. -- The truth is, have a foolish pique at the name of
Matthew, because it favours of those canting hypocrites, who, in
Cromwell's time, christened all their children by names taken
from the scripture.' 'A foolish pique indeed. (cried Mrs Tabby),
and even sinful, to fall out with your name because it is taken
from holy writ. -- I would have you to know, you was called after
great-uncle Matthew ap Madoc ap Meredith, esquire, of
Llanwysthin, in Montgomeryshire, justice of the quorum, and
crusty ruttleorum, a gentleman of great worth and property,
descended in a strait line, by the female side, from Llewellyn,
prince of Wales.'

This genealogical anecdote seemed to make some impression upon
the North-Briton, who bowed very low to the descendant of
Llewellyn, and observed that he himself had the honour of a
scriptural nomination. The lady expressing a desire of knowing
his address, he said, he designed himself Lieutenant Obadiah
Lismahago; and in order to assist her memory, he presented her
with a slip of paper inscribed with these three words, which she
repeated with great emphasis, declaring, it was one of the most
noble and sonorous names she had ever heard. He observed that
Obadiah was an adventitious appellation, derived from his great-
grandfather, who had been one of the original covenanters; but
Lismahago was the family surname, taken from a place in Scotland
so called. He likewise dropped some hints about the antiquity of
his pedigree, adding, with a smile of self-denial, Sed genus et
proavos, et quoe non fecimus ipsi, vix ea nostra voco, which
quotation he explained in deference to the ladies; and Mrs
Tabitha did not fail to compliment him on his modesty in waving
the merit of his ancestry, adding, that it was the less necessary
to him, as he had such a considerable fund of his own. She now
began to glew herself to his favour with the grossest adulation. --
She expatiated upon the antiquity and virtues of the Scottish
nation, upon their valour, probity, learning, and politeness. She
even descended to encomiums on his own personal address, his
gallantry, good sense, and erudition. -- She appealed to her
brother, whether the captain was not the very image of our cousin
governor Griffith. She discovered a surprising eagerness to know
the particulars of his life, and asked a thousand questions
concerning his atchievements in war; all which Mr Lismahago
answered with a sort of jesuitical reserve, affecting a
reluctance to satisfy her curiosity on a subject that concerned
his own exploits.

By dint of her interrogations, however, we learned, that he and
ensign Murphy had made their escape from the French hospital at
Montreal, and taken to the woods, in hope of reaching some
English settlement; but mistaking their route, they fell in with
a party of Miamis, who carried them away in captivity. The
intention of these Indians was to give one of them as an adopted
son to a venerable sachem, who had lost his own in the course of
the war, and to sacrifice the other according to the custom of
the country. Murphy, as being the younger and handsomer of the
two, was designed to fill the place of the deceased, not only as
the son of the sachem, but as the spouse of a beautiful squaw, to
whom his predecessor had been betrothed; but in passing through
the different whigwhams or villages of the Miamis, poor Murphy
was so mangled by the women and children, who have the privilege
of torturing all prisoners in their passage, that, by the time
they arrived at the place of the sachem's residence, he was
rendered altogether unfit for the purposes of marriage: it was
determined therefore, in the assembly of the warriors, that
ensign Murphy should be brought to the stake, and that the lady
should be given to lieutenant Lismahago, who had likewise
received his share of torments, though they had not produced
emasculation. -- A joint of one finger had been cut, or rather
sawed off with a rusty knife; one of his great toes was crushed
into a mash betwixt two stones; some of his teeth were drawn, or
dug out with a crooked nail; splintered reeds had been thrust up
his nostrils and other tender parts; and the calves of his legs
had been blown up with mines of gunpowder dug in the flesh with
the sharp point of the tomahawk.

The Indians themselves allowed that Murphy died with great
heroism, singing, as his death song, the Drimmendoo, in concert
with Mr Lismahago, who was present at the solemnity. After the
warriors and the matrons had made a hearty meal upon the muscular
flesh which they pared from the victim, and had applied a great
variety of tortures, which he bore without flinching, an old
lady, with a sharp knife, scooped out one of his eyes, and put a
burning coal in the socket. The pain of this operation was so
exquisite that he could not help bellowing, upon which the
audience raised a shout of exultation, and one of the warriors
stealing behind him, gave him the coup de grace with a hatchet.

Lismahago's bride, the squaw Squinkinacoosta, distinguished
herself on this occasion. -- She shewed a great superiority of
genius in the tortures which she contrived and executed with her
own hands. -- She vied with the stoutest warrior in eating the
flesh of the sacrifice; and after all the other females were
fuddled with dram-drinking, she was not so intoxicated but that
she was able to play the game of the platter with the conjuring
sachem, and afterwards go through the ceremony of her own
wedding, which was consummated that same evening. The captain had
lived very happily with this accomplished squaw for two years,
during which she bore him a son, who is now the representative of
his mother's tribe; but, at length, to his unspeakable grief, she
had died of a fever, occasioned by eating too much raw bear,
which they had killed in a hunting excursion.

By this time, Mr Lismahago was elected sachem, acknowledged first
warrior of the Badger tribe, and dignified with the name or
epithet of Occacanastaogarora, which signifies nimble as a
weasel; but all these advantages and honours he was obliged to
resign, in consequence of being exchanged for the orator of the
community, who had been taken prisoner by the Indians that were
in alliance with the English. At the peace, he had sold out upon
half pay, and was returned to Britain, with a view to pass the
rest of his life in his own country, where he hoped to find some
retreat where his slender finances would afford him a decent
subsistence. Such are the outlines of Mr Lismahago's history, to
which Tabitha did seriously incline her ear; -- indeed, she seemed
to be taken with the same charms that captivated the heart of
Desdemona, who loved the Moor for the dangers he had past.

The description of poor Murphy's sufferings, which threw my
sister Liddy into a swoon, extracted some sighs from the breast
of Mrs Tabby: when she understood he had been rendered unfit for
marriage, she began to spit, and ejaculated, 'Jesus, what cruel
barbarians!' and she made wry faces at the lady's nuptial repast;
but she was eagerly curious to know the particulars of her
marriage-dress; whether she wore high-breasted stays or bodice, a
robe of silk or velvet, and laces of Mechlin or minionette -- she
supposed, as they were connected with the French, she used rouge,
and had her hair dressed in the Parisian fashion. The captain
would have declined giving a catagorical explanation of all these
particulars, observing, in general, that the Indians were too
tenacious of their own customs to adopt the modes of any nation
whatsoever; he said, moreover, that neither the simplicity of
their manners nor the commerce of their country, would admit of
those articles of luxury which are deemed magnificence in Europe;
and that they were too virtuous and sensible to encourage the
introduction of any fashion which might help to render them
corrupt and effeminate.

These observations served only to inflame her desire of knowing
the particulars about which she had enquired; and, with all his
evasion, he could not help discovering the following
circumstances -- that his princess had neither shoes, stockings,
shift, nor any kind of linen -- that her bridal dress consisted of
a petticoat of red bays, and a fringed blanket, fastened about
her shoulders with a copper skewer; but of ornaments she had
great plenty. -- Her hair was curiously plaited, and interwoven
with bobbins of human bone -- one eye-lid was painted green, and
the other yellow; the cheeks were blue, the lips white, the teeth
red, and there was a black list drawn down the middle of the
forehead as far as the tip of the nose -- a couple of gaudy
parrot's feathers were stuck through the division of the
nostrils -- there was a blue stone set in the chin, her ear-rings
consisted of two pieces of hickery, of the size and shape of
drum-sticks -- her arms and legs were adorned with bracelets of
wampum -- her breast glittered with numerous strings of glass
beads -- she wore a curious pouch, or pocket of woven grass,
elegantly painted with various colours -- about her neck was hung
the fresh scalp of a Mohawk warrior, whom her deceased lover had
lately slain in battle -- and, finally, she was anointed from head
to foot with bear's grease, which sent forth a most agreeable
odour.

One would imagine that these paraphernalia would not have been
much admired by a modern fine lady; but Mrs Tabitha was resolved
to approve of all the captains connexions. -- She wished, indeed,
the squaw had been better provided with linen; but she owned
there was much taste and fancy in her ornaments; she made no
doubt, therefore, that madam Squinkinacoosta was a young lady of
good sense and rare accomplishments, and a good christian at
bottom. Then she asked whether his consort had been high church
or low-church, presbyterian or anabaptist, or had been favoured
with any glimmering of the new light of the gospel? When he
confessed that she and her whole nation were utter strangers to
the christian faith, she gazed at him with signs of astonishment,
and Humphry Clinker, who chanced to be in the room, uttered a
hollow groan.

After some pause, 'In the name of God, captain Lismahago (cried
she), what religion do they profess?' 'As to religion, madam
(answered the lieutenant), it is among those Indians a matter of
great simplicity -- they never heard of any Alliance between Church
and State. -- They, in general, worship two contending principles;
one the Fountain of all Good, the other the source of all evil.
The common people there, as in other countries, run into the
absurdities of superstition; but sensible men pay adoration to a
Supreme Being, who created and sustains the universe.' 'O! what
pity (exclaimed the pious Tabby), that some holy man has not been
inspired to go and convert these poor heathens!'

The lieutenant told her, that while he resided among them, two
French missionaries arrived, in order to convert them to the
catholic religion; but when they talked of mysteries and
revelations, which they could neither explain nor authenticate,
and called in the evidence of miracles which they believed upon
hearsay; when they taught that the Supreme Creator of Heaven and
Earth had allowed his only Son, his own equal in power and glory,
to enter the bowels of a woman, to be born as a human creature,
to be insulted, flagellated, and even executed as a malefactor;
when they pretended to create God himself, to swallow, digest,
revive, and multiply him ad infinitum, by the help of a little
flour and water, the Indians were shocked at the impiety of their
presumption. -- They were examined by the assembly of the sachems
who desired them to prove the divinity of their mission by some
miracle. -- They answered, that it was not in their power. -- 'If you
were really sent by Heaven for our conversion (said one of the
sachems), you would certainly have some supernatural endowments,
at least you would have the gift of tongues, in order to explain
your doctrine to the different nations among which you are
employed; but you are so ignorant of our language, that you
cannot express yourselves even on the most trifling subjects.' In
a word, the assembly were convinced of their being cheats, and
even suspected them of being spies: they ordered them a bag of
Indian corn apiece, and appointed a guide to conduct them to the
frontiers; but the missionaries having more zeal than discretion,
refused to quit the vineyard. -- They persisted in saying mass, in
preaching, baptizing, and squabbling with the conjurers, or
priests of the country, till they had thrown the whole community
into confusion. -- Then the assembly proceeded to try them as
impious impostors, who represented the Almighty as a trifling,
weak, capricious being, and pretended to make, unmake, and
reproduce him at pleasure; they were, therefore, convicted of
blasphemy and sedition, and condemned to the stale, where they
died singing Salve regina, in a rapture of joy, for the crown of
martyrdom which they had thus obtained.

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