The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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In the course of this conversation, lieutenant Lismahago dropt
some hints by which it appeared he himself was a free-thinker.
Our aunt seemed to be startled at certain sarcasms he threw out
against the creed of saint Athanasius -- He dwelt much upon the
words, reason, philosophy, and contradiction in terms -- he bid
defiance to the eternity of hell-fire; and even threw such squibs
at the immortality of the soul, as singed a little the whiskers
of Mrs Tabitha's faith; for, by this time she began to look upon
Lismahago as a prodigy of learning and sagacity. -- In short, he
could be no longer insensible to the advances she made towards
his affection; and although there was something repulsive in his
nature, he overcame it so far as to make some return to her
civilities. -- Perhaps, he thought it would be no bad scheme, in a
superannuated lieutenant on half-pay, to effect a conjunction
with an old maid, who, in all probability, had fortune enough to
keep him easy and comfortable in the fag-end of his days -- An
ogling correspondence forthwith commenced between this amiable
pair of originals -- He began to sweeten the natural acidity of his
discourse with the treacle of compliment and commendation -- He
from time to time offered her snuff, of which he himself took
great quantities, and even made her a present of a purse of silk
grass, woven by the hands of the amiable Squinkinacoosta, who had
used it as a shot-pouch in her hunting expeditions.

From Doncaster northwards, all the windows of all the inns are
scrawled with doggeral rhimes, in abuse of the Scotch nation; and
what surprised me very much, I did not perceive one line written
in the way of recrimination -- Curious to hear what Lismahago would
say on this subject, I pointed out to him a very scurrilous
epigram against his countrymen, which was engraved on one of the
windows of the parlour where we sat. -- He read it with the most
starched composure; and when I asked his opinion of the poetry,
'It is vara terse and vara poignant (said he); but with the help
of a wat dish-clout, it might be rendered more clear and
parspicuous. -- I marvel much that some modern wit has not
published a collection of these essays under the title of the
Glaziers Triumph over Sawney the Scot -- I'm persuaded it would be
a vara agreeable offering to the patriots of London and
Westminster.' When I expressed some surprize that the natives of
Scotland, who travel this way, had not broke all the windows upon
the road, 'With submission (replied the lieutenant), that were
but shallow policy -- it would only serve to make the satire more
cutting and severe; and I think it is much better to let it stand
in the window, than have it presented in the reckoning.'

My uncle's jaws began to quiver with indignation. -- He said, the
scribblers of such infamous stuff deserved to be scourged at the
cart's tail for disgracing their country with such monuments of
malice and stupidity. -- 'These vermin (said he) do not consider,
that they are affording their fellow subjects, whom they abuse,
continual matter of self-gratulation, as well as the means of
executing the most manly vengeance that can be taken for such
low, illiberal attacks. For my part, I admire the philosophic
forbearance of the Scots, as much as I despise the insolence of
those wretched libellers, which is akin to the arrogance of the
village cock, who never crows but upon his own dunghill.' The
captain, with an affectation of candour, observed, that men of
illiberal minds were produced in every soil; that in supposing
those were the sentiments of the English in general, he should
pay too great a compliment to is own country, which was not of
consequence enough to attract the envy of such a flourishing and
powerful people.

Mrs Tabby broke forth again in praise of his moderation, and
declared that Scotland was the soil which produced every virtue
under heaven. When Lismahago took his leave for the night, she
asked her brother if the captain was not the prettiest gentleman
he had ever seen; and whether there was not something wonderfully
engaging in his aspect? -- Mr Bramble having eyed her sometime in
silence, 'Sister (said he), the lieutenant is, for aught I know,
an honest man and a good officer -- he has a considerable share of
understanding, and a title to more encouragement than he seems to
have met with in life; but I cannot, with a safe conscience,
affirm, that he is the prettiest gentleman I ever saw; neither
can I descern any engaging charm in his countenance, which, I vow
to God, is, on the contrary, very hard-favoured and forbidding.'

I have endeavoured to ingratiate myself with this North-Briton,
who is really a curiosity; but he has been very shy of my
conversation ever since I laughed at his asserting that the
English tongue was spoke with more propriety at Edinburgh than at
London. Looking at me with a double squeeze of souring in his
aspect, 'If the old definition be true (said he), that risibility
is the distinguishing characteristic of a rational creature, the
English are the most distinguished for rationality of any people
I ever knew.' I owned, that the English were easily struck with
any thing that appeared ludicrous, and apt to laugh accordingly;
but it did not follow, that, because they were more given to
laughter, they had more rationality than their neighbours: I
said, such an inference would be an injury to the Scots, who were
by no means defective in rationality, though generally supposed
little subject to the impressions of humour.

The captain answered, that this supposition must have been
deduced either from their conversation or their compositions, of
which the English could not possibly judge with precision, as
they did not understand the dialect used by the Scots in common
discourse, as well as in their works of humour. When I desired to
know what those works of humour were, he mentioned a considerable
number of pieces, which he insisted were equal in point of humour
to any thing extant in any language dead or living -- He, in
particular, recommended a collection of detached poems, in two
small volumes, intituled, The Ever-Green, and the works of Allan
Ramsay, which I intend to provide myself with at Edinburgh. -- He
observed, that a North-Briton is seen to a disadvantage in an
English company, because he speaks in a dialect that they can't
relish, and in a phraseology which they don't understand. -- He
therefore finds himself under a restraint, which is a great enemy
to wit and humour. -- These are faculties which never appear in
full lustre, but when the mind is perfectly at ease, and, as an
excellent writer says, enjoys her elbow-room.

He proceeded to explain his assertion that the English language
was spoken with greater propriety at Edinburgh than in London. He
said, what we generally called the Scottish dialect was, in fact,
true, genuine old English, with a mixture of some French terms
and idioms, adopted in a long intercourse betwixt the French and
Scotch nations; that the modern English, from affectation and
false refinement, had weakened, and even corrupted their
language, by throwing out the guttural sounds, altering the
pronunciation and the quantity, and disusing many words and terms
of great significance. In consequence of these innovations, the
works of our best poets, such as Chaucer, Spenser, and even
Shakespeare, were become, in many parts, unintelligible to the
natives of South Britain, whereas the Scots, who retain the
antient language, understand them without the help of a glossary.
'For instance (said he), how have your commentators been puzzled
by the following expression in the Tempest -- He's gentle and not
fearful: as if it was a paralogism to say, that being gentle, he
must of course be courageous: but the truth is, one of the
original meanings, if not the sole meaning, of that word was,
noble, high-minded; and to this day, a Scotch woman, in the
situation of the young lady in the Tempest, would express herself
nearly in the same terms -- Don't provoke him; for being gentle,
that is, high-spirited, he won't tamely bear an insult. Spenser,
in the very first stanza of his Fairy Queen, says,

A gentle knight was pricking on the plain;

which knight, far from being tame and fearful, was so stout that

Nothing did he dread, but ever was ydrad.

To prove that we had impaired the energy of our language by false
refinement, he mentioned the following words, which, though
widely different in signification, are pronounced exactly in the
same manner wright, write, right, rite; but among the Scots,
these words are as different in pronunciation, as they are in
meaning and orthography; and this is the case with many others
which he mentioned by way of illustration. -- He, moreover, took
notice, that we had (for what reason he could never learn)
altered the sound of our vowels from that which is retained by
all the nations in Europe; an alteration which rendered the
language extremely difficult to foreigners, and made it almost
impracticable to lay down general rules for orthography and
pronunciation. Besides, the vowels were no longer simple sounds
in the mouth of an Englishman, who pronounced both i and u as
dipthongs. Finally, he affirmed, that we mumbled our speech with
our lips and teeth, and ran the words together without pause or
distinction, in such a manner, that a foreigner, though he
understood English tolerably well, was often obliged to have
recourse to a Scotchman to explain what a native of England had
said in his own language.

The truth of this remark was confirmed by Mr Bramble from his own
experience; but he accounted for it on another principle. He
said, the same observation would hold in all languages; that a
Swiss talking French was more easily understood than a Parisian,
by a foreigner who had not made himself master of the language;
because every language had its peculiar recitative, and it would
always require more pains, attention, and practice, to acquire
both the words and the music, than to learn the words only; and
yet no body would deny, that the one was imperfect without the
other: he therefore apprehended, that the Scotchman and the Swiss
were better understood by learners, because they spoke the words
only, without the music, which they could not rehearse. One would
imagine this check might have damped the North Briton; but it
served only to agitate his humour for disputation. -- He said, if
every nation had its own recitative or music, the Scots had
theirs, and the Scotchman who had not yet acquired the cadence of
the English, would naturally use his own in speaking their
language; therefore, if he was better understood than the native,
his recitative must be more intelligible than that of the
English; of consequence, the dialect of the Scots had an
advantage over that of their fellow-subjects, and this was
another strong presumption that the modern English had corrupted
their language in the article of pronunciation.

The lieutenant was, by this time, become so polemical, that every
time he opened his mouth out flew a paradox, which he maintained
with all the enthusiasm of altercation; but all his paradoxes
favoured strong of a partiality for his own country. He undertook
to prove that poverty was a blessing to a nation; that oatmeal
was preferable to wheat-flour; and that the worship of Cloacina,
in temples which admitted both sexes, and every rank of votaries
promiscuously, was a filthy species of idolatry that outraged
every idea of delicacy and decorum. I did not so much wonder at
his broaching these doctrines, as at the arguments, equally
whimsical and ingenious, which he adduced in support of them.

In fine, lieutenant Lismahago is a curiosity which I have not yet
sufficiently perused; and therefore I shall be sorry when we lose
his company, though, God knows, there is nothing very amiable in
his manner or disposition. -- As he goes directly to the south-west
division of Scotland, and we proceed in the road to Berwick, we
shall part tomorrow at a place called Feltonbridge; and, I dare
say, this separation will be very grievous to our aunt Mrs
Tabitha, unless she has received some flattering assurance of his
meeting her again. If I fail in my purpose of entertaining you
with these unimportant occurrences, they will at least serve as
exercises of patience, for which you are indebted to

Yours always,
J. MELFORD
MORPETH, July 13.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR DOCTOR,

I have now reached the northern extremity of England, and see,
close to my chamber-window, the Tweed gliding through the arches
of that bridge which connects this suburb to the town of
Berwick. -- Yorkshire you have seen, and therefore I shall say
nothing of that opulent province. The city of Durham appears like
a confused heap of stones and brick, accumulated so as to cover a
mountain, round which a river winds its brawling course. The
Streets are generally narrow, dark, and unpleasant, and many of
them almost impassible in consequence of their declivity. The
cathedral is a huge gloomy pile; but the clergy are well lodged. --
The bishop lives in a princely manner -- the golden prebends keep
plentiful tables -- and, I am told, there is some good sociable
company in the place; but the country, when viewed from the top
of Gateshead-Fell, which extends to Newcastle, exhibits the
highest scene of cultivation that ever I beheld. As for
Newcastle, it lies mostly in a bottom, on the banks of the Tyne,
and makes an appearance still more disagreeable than that of
Durham; but it is rendered populous and rich by industry and
commerce; and the country lying on both sides the river, above
the town, yields a delightful prospect of agriculture and
plantation. Morpeth and Alnwick are neat, pretty towns, and this
last is famous for the castle which has belonged so many ages to
the noble house of Piercy, earls of Northumberland. -- It is,
doubtless, a large edifice, containing a great number of
apartments, and stands in a commanding situation; but the
strength of it seems to have consisted not so much in its site,
or the manner in which it is fortified, as in the valour of its
defendants.

Our adventures since we left Scarborough, are scarce worth
reciting; and yet I must make you acquainted with my sister
Tabby's progress in husband-hunting, after her disappointments at
Bath and London. She had actually begun to practise upon a
certain adventurer, who was in fact a highwayman by profession;
but he had been used to snares much more dangerous than any she
could lay, and escaped accordingly. Then she opened her batteries
upon an old weather-beaten Scotch lieutenant, called Lismahago,
who joined us at Durham, and is, I think, one of the most
singular personages I ever encountered -- His manner is as harsh as
his countenance; but his peculiar turn of thinking, and his pack
of knowledge made up of the remnants of rarities, rendered his
conversation desirable, in spite of his pedantry and ungracious
address. I have often met with a crab-apple in a hedge, which I
have been tempted to eat for its flavour, even while I was
disgusted by its austerity. The spirit of contradiction is
naturally so strong in Lismahago, that I believe in my conscience
he has rummaged, and read, and studied with indefatigable
attention, in order to qualify himself to refute established
maxims, and thus raise trophies for the gratification of
polemical pride. -- Such is the asperity of his self-conceit, that
he will not even acquiesce in a transient compliment made to his
own individual in particular, or to his country in general.

When I observed, that he must have read a vast number of books to
be able to discourse on such a variety of subjects, he declared
he had read little or nothing, and asked how he should find books
among the woods of America, where he had spent the greatest part
of his life. My nephew remarking that the Scots in general were
famous for their learning, he denied the imputation, and defied
him to prove it from their works -- 'The Scots (said he) have a
slight tincture of letters, with which they make a parade among
people who are more illiterate than themselves; but they may be
said to float on the surface of science, and they have made very
small advances in the useful arts.' 'At least (cried Tabby), all
the world allows that the Scots behaved gloriously in fighting
and conquering the savages of America.' 'I can assure you, madam,
you have been misinformed (replied the lieutenant); in that
continent the Scots did nothing more than their duty, nor was
there one corps in his majesty's service that distinguished
itself more than another. -- Those who affected to extol the Scots
for superior merit, were no friends to that nation.'

Though he himself made free with his countrymen, he would not
suffer any other person to glance a sarcasm at them with
impunity. One of the company chancing to mention lord B--'s
inglorious peace, the lieutenant immediately took up the cudgels
in his lordship's favour, and argued very strenuously to prove
that it was the most honourable and advantageous peace that
England had ever made since the foundation of the monarchy. -- Nay,
between friends, he offered such reasons on this subject, that I
was really confounded, if not convinced. -- He would not allow that
the Scots abounded above their proportion in the army and navy of
Great-Britain, or that the English had any reason to say his
countrymen had met with extraordinary encouragement in the
service. 'When a South and North-Briton (said he) are competitors
for a place or commission, which is in the disposal of an English
minister or an English general, it would be absurd to suppose
that the preference will not be given to the native of England,
who has so many advantages over his rival. -- First and foremost,
he has in his favour that laudable partiality, which, Mr Addison
says, never fails to cleave to the heart of an Englishman; secondly,
he has more powerful connexions, and a greater share of parliamentary
interest, by which those contests are generally decided; and
lastly, he has a greater command of money to smooth the way to
his success. For my own part (said he), I know no Scotch officer,
who has risen in the army above the rank of a subaltern, without
purchasing every degree of preferment either with money or
recruits; but I know many gentlemen of that country, who, for
want of money and interest, have grown grey in the rank of
lieutenants; whereas very few instances of this ill-fortune are
to be found among the natives of South-Britain. -- Not that I would
insinuate that my countrymen have the least reason to complain.
Preferment in the service, like success in any other branch of
traffic, will naturally favour those who have the greatest stock
of cash and credit, merit and capacity being supposed equal on
all sides.'

But the most hardy of all this original's positions were these:
That commerce would, sooner or later, prove the ruin of every
nation, where it flourishes to any extent -- that the parliament
was the rotten part of the British constitution -- that the liberty
of the press was a national evil -- and that the boasted
institution of juries, as managed in England, was productive of
shameful perjury and flagrant injustice. He observed, that
traffick was an enemy to all the liberal passions of the soul,
founded on the thirst of lucre, a sordid disposition to take
advantage of the necessities of our fellow creatures. -- He
affirmed, the nature of commerce was such, that it could not be
fixed or perpetuated, but, having flowed to a certain height,
would immediately begin to ebb, and so continue till the
channels should be left almost dry; but there was no instance of
the tide's rising a second time to any considerable influx in the
same nation. Mean while the sudden affluence occasioned by trade,
forced open all the sluices of luxury and overflowed the land
with every species of profligacy and corruption; a total pravity
of manners would ensue, and this must be attended with bankruptcy
and ruin. He observed of the parliament, that the practice of
buying boroughs, and canvassing for votes, was an avowed system
of venality, already established on the ruins of principle,
integrity, faith, and good order, in consequence of which the
elected and the elector, and, in short, the whole body of the
people, were equally and universally contaminated and corrupted.
He affirmed, that of a parliament thus constituted, the crown
would always have influence enough to secure a great majority in
its dependence, from the great number of posts, places, and
pensions it had to bestow; that such a parliament would (as it
had already done) lengthen the term of its sitting and authority,
whenever the prince should think it for his interest to continue
the representatives, for, without doubt, they had the same right
to protect their authority ad infinitum, as they had to extend it
from three to seven years. -- With a parliament, therefore,
dependent upon the crown, devoted to the prince, and supported by
a standing army, garbled and modelled for the purpose, any king
of England may, and probably some ambitious sovereign will,
totally overthrow all the bulwarks of the constitution; for it is
not to be supposed that a prince of high spirit will tamely
submit to be thwarted in all his measures, abused and insulted by
a populace of unbridled ferocity, when he has it in his power to
crush all opposition under his feet with the concurrence of the
legislature. He said, he should always consider the liberty of
the press as a national evil, while it enabled the vilest reptile
to soil the lustre of the most shining merit, and furnished the
most infamous incendiary with the means of disturbing the peace
and destroying the good order of the community. He owned,
however, that under due restrictions, it would be a valuable
privilege; but affirmed, that at present there was no law in
England sufficient to restrain it within proper bounds.

With respect to juries, he expressed himself to this effect: --
juries are generally composed of illiterate plebeians, apt to be
mistaken, easily misled, and open to sinister influence; for if
either of the parties to be tried, can gain over one of the
twelve jurors, he has secured the verdict in his favour; the
juryman thus brought over will, in despight of all evidence and
conviction, generally hold out till his fellows are fatigued, and
harassed, and starved into concurrence; in which case the verdict
is unjust, and the jurors are all perjured: but cases will often
occur, when the jurors are really divided in opinion, and each
side is convinced in opposition to the other; but no verdict will
be received, unless they are unanimous, and they are all bound,
not only in conscience, but by oath, to judge and declare
according to their conviction. -- What then will be the
consequence? -- They must either starve in company, or one side
must sacrifice their conscience to their convenience, and join in
a verdict which they believe to be false. This absurdity is
avoided in Sweden, where a bare majority is sufficient; and in
Scotland, where two thirds of the jury are required to concur in
the verdict.

You must not imagine that all these deductions were made on his
part, without contradictions on mine. -- No -- the truth is, I found
myself piqued in point of honour, at his pretending to be so much
wiser than his neighbours. -- I questioned all his assertions,
started innumerable objections, argued and wrangled with uncommon
perseverance, and grew very warm, and even violent, in the
debate. -- Sometimes he was puzzled, and once or twice, I think,
fairly refuted; but from those falls he rose again, like Antaeus,
with redoubled vigour, till at length I was tired, exhausted, and
really did not know how to proceed, when luckily he dropped a
hint, by which he discovered he had been bred to the law; a
confession which enabled me to retire from the dispute with a
good grace, as it could not be supposed that a man like me, who
had been bred to nothing, should be able to cope with a veteran
in his own profession. I believe, however, that I shall for some
time continue to chew the cud of reflection upon many
observations which this original discharged.

Whether our sister Tabby was really struck with his conversation,
or is resolved to throw at every thing she meets in the shape of
a man, till she can fasten the matrimonial noose, certain it is,
she has taken desperate strides towards the affection of
Lismahago, who cannot be said to have met her half way, though he
does not seem altogether insensible to her civilities. -- She
insinuated more than once how happy we should be to have his
company through that part of Scotland which we proposed to visit,
till at length he plainly told us, that his road was totally
different from that which we intended to take; that, for his
part, his company would be of very little service to us in our
progress, as he was utterly unacquainted with the country, which
he had left in his early youth, consequently, he could neither
direct us in our enquiries, nor introduce us to any family of
distinction. He said, he was stimulated by an irresistible
impulse to revisit the paternus lar, or patria domus, though he
expected little satisfaction, inasmuch as he understood that his
nephew, the present possessor, was but ill qualified to support
the honour of the family. -- He assured us, however, as we design
to return by the west road, that he will watch our motions, and
endeavour to pay his respects to us at Dumfries. -- Accordingly he
took his leave of us at a place half way betwixt Morpeth and
Alnwick, and pranced away in great state, mounted on a tall,
meagre, raw-boned, shambling grey gelding, without e'er a tooth
in his head, the very counter-part of the rider; and, indeed, the
appearance of the two was so picturesque, that I would give
twenty guineas to have them tolerably presented on canvas.

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