The Expedition of Humphry Clinker
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Tobias Smollett >> The Expedition of Humphry Clinker
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Your assured friend,
M. BRAMBLE
CLIFTON, April 17.
To Miss LYDIA MELFORD.
Miss Willis has pronounced my doom -- you are going away, dear
Miss Melford! -- you are going to be removed, I know not whither!
what shall I do? which way shall I turn for consolation? I know
not what I say -- all night long have I been tossed in a sea of
doubts and fears, uncertainty and distraction, without being able
to connect my thoughts, much less to form any consistent plan of
conduct -- I was even tempted to wish that I had never seen you;
or that you had been less amiable, or less compassionate to your
poor Wilson; and yet it would be detestable ingratitude in me to
form such a wish, considering how much I am indebted to your
goodness, and the ineffable pleasure I have derived from your
indulgence and approbation -- Good God! I never heard your name
mentioned without emotion! the most distant prospect of being
admitted to your company, filled my whole soul with a kind of
pleasing alarm! as the time approached, my heart beat with
redoubled force, and every nerve thrilled with a transport of
expectation; but, when I found myself actually in your presence;
-- when I heard you speak; -- when I saw you smile; when I beheld
your charming eyes turned favourably upon me; my breast was filled
with such tumults of delight, as wholly deprived me of the power
of utterance, and wrapt me in a delirium of joy! -- encouraged by
your sweetness of temper and affability, I ventured to describe
the feelings of my heart -- even then you did not check my
presumption -- you pitied my sufferings and gave me leave to hope
you put a favourable -- perhaps too favourable a construction, on
my appearance -- certain it is, I am no player in love -- I speak
the language of my own heart; and have no prompter but nature.
Yet there is something in this heart, which I have not yet
disclosed. -- I flattered myself -- But, I will not -- I must not
proceed. Dear Miss Liddy! for Heaven's sake, contrive, if
possible, some means of letting me speak to you before you leave
Gloucester; otherwise, I know not what will -- But I begin to
rave again. -- I will endeavour to bear this trial with fortitude
-- while I am capable of reflecting upon your tenderness and
truth, I surely have no cause to despair -- a cloud hangs over
me, and there is a dreadful weight upon my spirits! While you
stay in this place, I shall continually hover about your
lodgings, as the parted soul is said to linger about the grave
where its mortal comfort lies. -- I know, if it is in your power,
you will task your humanity -- your compassion -- shall I add,
your affection? -- in order to assuage the almost intolerable
disquiet that torments the heart of your afflicted,
WILSON
GLOUCESTER, March 31.
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.
HOT WELL, April 18.
DEAR PHILLIPS,
I give Mansel credit for his invention, in propagating the report
that I had a quarrel with a mountebank's merry Andrew at
Gloucester: but I have too much respect for every appendage of
wit, to quarrel even with the lowest buffoonery; and therefore I
hope Mansel and I shall always be good friends. I cannot,
however, approve of his drowning my poor dog Ponto, on purpose to
convert Ovid's pleonasm into a punning epitaph, -- deerant quoque
Littora Ponto: for, that he threw him into the Isis, when it was
so high and impetuous, with no other view than to kill the fleas,
is an excuse that will not hold water -- But I leave poor Ponto
to his fate, and hope Providence will take care to accommodate
Mansel with a drier death.
As there is nothing that can be called company at the Well, I am
here in a state of absolute rustication: This, however, gives me
leisure to observe the singularities in my uncle's character,
which seems to have interested your curiosity. The truth is, his
disposition and mine, which, like oil and vinegar, repelled one
another at first, have now begun to mix by dint of being beat up
together. I was once apt to believe him a complete Cynic; and
that nothing but the necessity of his occasions could compel him
to get within the pale of society -- I am now of another opinion.
I think his peevishness arises partly from bodily pain, and
partly from a natural excess of mental sensibility; for, I
suppose, the mind as well as the body, is in some cases endued
with a morbid excess of sensation.
I was t'other day much diverted with a conversation that passed
in the Pump-room, betwixt him and the famous Dr L--n, who is come
to ply at the Well for patients. My uncle was complaining of the
stink, occasioned by the vast quantity of mud and slime which the
river leaves at low ebb under the windows of the Pumproom. He
observed, that the exhalations arising from such a nuisance,
could not but be prejudicial to the weak lungs of many
consumptive patients, who came to drink the water. The Doctor
overhearing this remark, made up to him, and assured him he was
mistaken. He said, people in general were so misled by vulgar
prejudices that philosophy was hardly sufficient to undeceive
them. Then humming thrice, he assumed a most ridiculous solemnity
of aspect, and entered into a learned investigation of the nature
of stink. He observed, that stink, or stench, meant no more than
a strong impression on the olfactory nerves; and might be applied
to substances of the most opposite qualities; that in the Dutch
language, stinken signifies the most agreeable perfume, as well
as the most fetid odour, as appears in Van Vloudel's translation
of Horace, in that beautiful ode, Quis multa gracilis, &c. -- The
words fiquidis perfusus odoribus, he translates van civet &
moschata gestinken: that individuals differed toto coelo in their
opinion of smells, which, indeed, was altogether as arbitrary as
the opinion of beauty; that the French were pleased with the
putrid effluvia of animal food; and so were the Hottentots in
Africa, and the Savages in Greenland; and that the Negroes on the
coast of Senegal would not touch fish till it was rotten; strong
presumptions in favour of what is generally called stink, as
those nations are in a state of nature, undebauched by luxury,
unseduced by whim and caprice: that he had reason to believe the
stercoraceous flavour, condemned by prejudice as a stink, was, in
fact, most agreeable to the organs of smelling; for, that every
person who pretended to nauseate the smell of another's
excretions, snuffed up his own with particular complacency; for
the truth of which he appealed to all the ladies and gentlemen
then present: he said, the inhabitants of Madrid and Edinburgh
found particular satisfaction in breathing their own atmosphere,
which was always impregnated with stercoraceous effluvia: that
the learned Dr B--, in his treatise on the Four Digestions,
explains in what manner the volatile effluvia from the intestines
stimulate and promote the operations of the animal economy: he
affirmed, the last Grand Duke of Tuscany, of the Medicis family,
who refined upon sensuality with the spirit of a philosopher, was
so delighted with that odour, that he caused the essence of
ordure to be extracted, and used it as the most delicious
perfume: that he himself (the doctor) when he happened to be low-spirited,
or fatigued with business, found immediate relief and
uncommon satisfaction from hanging over the stale contents of a
close-stool, while his servant stirred it about under his nose;
nor was this effect to be wondered at, when we consider that this
substance abounds with the self-same volatile salts that are so
greedily smelled to by the most delicate invalids, after they
have been extracted and sublimed by the chemists. -- By this time
the company began to hold their noses; but the doctor, without
taking the least notice of this signal, proceeded to shew, that
many fetid substances were not only agreeable but salutary; such
as assa foetida, and other medicinal gums, resins, roots, and
vegetables, over and above burnt feathers, tan-pits, candle-snuffs,
&c. In short, he used many learned arguments to persuade
his audience out of their senses; and from stench made a
transition to filth, which he affirmed was also a mistaken idea,
in as much as objects so called, were no other than certain
modifications of matter, consisting of the same principles that
enter into the composition of all created essences, whatever they
may be: that in the filthiest production of nature, a philosopher
considered nothing but the earth, water, salt and air, of which
it was compounded; that, for his own part, he had no more
objections to drinking the dirtiest ditch-water, than he had to a
glass of water from the Hot Well, provided he was assured there
was nothing poisonous in the concrete. Then addressing himself to
my uncle, 'Sir (said he) you seem to be of a dropsical habit, and
probably will soon have a confirmed ascites: if I should be
present when you are tapped, I will give you a convincing proof
of what I assert, by drinking without hesitation the water that
comes out of your abdomen.' -- The ladies made wry faces at this
declaration, and my uncle, changing colour, told him he did not
desire any such proof of his philosophy: 'But I should he glad to
know (said he) what makes you think I am of a dropsical habit?'
'Sir, I beg pardon (replied the Doctor) I perceive your ancles
are swelled, and you seem to have the facies leucophlegmatica.
Perhaps, indeed, your disorder may be oedematous, or gouty, or it
may be the lues venerea: If you have any reason to flatter
yourself it is this last, sir, I will undertake to cure you with
three small pills, even if the disease should have attained its
utmost inveteracy. Sir, it is an arcanum, which I have
discovered, and prepared with infinite labour. -- Sir, I have
lately cured a woman in Bristol -- a common prostitute, sir, who
had got all the worst symptoms of the disorder; such as nodi,
tophi, and gummata, verruca, cristoe Galli, and a serpiginous
eruption, or rather a pocky itch all over her body. By the time
she had taken the second pill, sir, by Heaven! she was as smooth
as my hand, and the third made her sound and as fresh as a new
born infant.' 'Sir (cried my uncle peevishly) I have no reason to
flatter myself that my disorder comes within the efficacy of your
nostrum. But this patient you talk of may not be so sound at
bottom as you imagine.' 'I can't possibly be mistaken (rejoined
the philosopher) for I have had communication with her three
times -- I always ascertain my cures in that manner.' At this
remark, all the ladies retired to another corner of the room, and
some of them began to spit. -- As to my uncle, though he was
ruffled at first by the doctor's saying he was dropsical, he
could not help smiling at this ridiculous confession and, I
suppose, with a view to punish this original, told him there was
a wart upon his nose, that looked a little suspicious. 'I don't
pretend to be a judge of those matters (said he) but I understand
that warts are often produced by the distemper; and that one upon
your nose seems to have taken possession of the very keystone of
the bridge, which I hope is in no danger of falling.' L--n seemed
a little confounded at this remark, and assured him it was
nothing but a common excrescence of the cuticula, but that the
bones were all sound below; for the truth of this assertion he
appealed to the touch, desiring he would feel the part. My uncle
said it was a matter of such delicacy to meddle with a
gentleman's nose, that he declined the office -- upon which, the
Doctor turning to me, intreated me to do him that favour. I
complied with his request, and handled it so roughly, that he
sneezed, and the tears ran down his cheeks, to the no small
entertainment of the company, and particularly of my uncle, who
burst out a-laughing for the first time since I have been with
him; and took notice, that the part seemed to be very tender.
'Sir (cried the Doctor) it is naturally a tender part; but to
remove all possibility of doubt, I will take off the wart this
very night.'
So saying, he bowed, with great solemnity all round, and retired
to his own lodgings, where he applied a caustic to the wart; but
it spread in such a manner as to produce a considerable
inflammation, attended with an enormous swelling; so that when he
next appeared, his whole face was overshadowed by this tremendous
nozzle; and the rueful eagerness with which he explained this
unlucky accident, was ludicrous beyond all description. -- I was
much pleased with meeting the original of a character, which you
and I have often laughed at in description; and what surprises me
very much, I find the features in the picture, which has been
drawn for him, rather softened than over-charged.
As I have something else to say; and this letter has run to an
unconscionable length, I shall now give you a little respite, and
trouble you again by the very first post. I wish you would take
it in your head to retaliate these double strokes upon
Yours always,
J. MELFORD
To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.
HOT WELL, April 20.
DEAR KNIGHT,
I now sit down to execute the threat in the tail of my last. The
truth is, I am big with the secret, and long to be delivered. It
relates to my guardian, who, you know, is at present our
principal object in view.
T'other day, I thought I had detected him in such a state of
frailty, as would but ill become his years and character. There
is a decent sort of woman, not disagreeable in her person, that
comes to the Well, with a poor emaciated child, far gone in a
consumption. I had caught my uncle's eyes several times directed
to this person, with a very suspicious expression in them, and
every time he saw himself observed, he hastily withdrew them,
with evident marks of confusion -- I resolved to watch him more
narrowly, and saw him speaking to her privately in a corner of
the walk. At length, going down to the Well one day, I met her
half way up the hill to Clifton, and could not help suspecting
she was going to our lodgings by appointment, as it was about one
o'clock, the hour when my sister and I are generally at the Pump-room.
-- This notion exciting my curiosity, I returned by a back-way,
and got unperceived into my own chamber, which is contiguous
to my uncle's apartment. Sure enough, the woman was introduced
but not into his bedchamber; he gave her audience in a parlour;
so that I was obliged to shift my station to another room, where,
however, there was a small chink in the partition, through which
I could perceive what passed. My uncle, though a little lame,
rose up when she came in, and setting a chair for her, desired
she would sit down: then he asked if she would take a dish of
chocolate, which she declined, with much acknowledgment. After a
short pause, he said, in a croaking tone of voice, which
confounded me not a little, 'Madam, I am truly concerned for your
misfortunes; and if this trifle can be of any service to you, I
beg you will accept it without ceremony.' So saying, he put a bit
of paper into her hand, which she opening with great trepidation,
exclaimed in an extacy, 'Twenty pounds! Oh, sir!' and sinking
down upon a settee, fainted away -- Frightened at this fit, and,
I suppose, afraid of calling for assistance, lest her situation
should give rise to unfavourable conjectures, he ran about the
room in distraction, making frightful grimaces; and, at length,
had recollection enough to throw a little water in her face; by
which application she was brought to herself: but, then her
feeling took another turn. She shed a flood of tears, and cried
aloud, 'I know not who you are: but, sure -- worthy sir --
generous sir! -- the distress of me and my poor dying child --
Oh! if the widow's prayers -- if the orphan's tears of gratitude
can ought avail -- gracious Providence -- Blessings! -- shower
down eternal blessings.' -- Here she was interrupted by my uncle,
who muttered in a voice still more and more discordant, 'For
Heaven's sake be quiet, madam -- consider -- the people of the
house --'sdeath! can't you.' -- All this time she was struggling
to throw herself on her knees, while he seizing her by the
wrists, endeavoured to seat her upon the settee, saying, 'Prithee
-- good now -- hold your tongue' -- At that instant, who should
burst into -- the room but our aunt Tabby! of all antiquated
maidens the most diabolically capricious -- Ever prying into
other people's affairs, she had seen the woman enter, and
followed her to the door, where she stood listening, but probably
could hear nothing distinctly, except my uncle's, last
exclamation; at which she bounded into the parlour in a violent
rage, that dyed the tip of her nose of a purple hue, -- 'Fy upon
you, Matt! (cried she) what doings are these, to disgrace your
own character, and disparage your family?' -- Then, snatching the
bank note out of the stranger's hand, she went on -- 'How now,
twenty pounds! -- here is temptation with a witness! -- Good-woman,
go about your business -- Brother, brother, I know not which most
to admire; your concupissins, or your extravagance!' -- 'Good God
(exclaimed the poor woman) shall a worthy gentleman's character
suffer for an action that does honour to humanity?' By this time,
uncle's indignation was effectually roused. His face grew pale,
his teeth chattered, and his eyes flashed -- 'Sister (cried he, in
a voice like thunder) I vow to God, your impertinence is
exceedingly provoking.' With these words, he took her by the
hand, and, opening the door of communication, thrust her into the
chamber where I stood, so affected by the scene, that the tears
ran down my cheeks. Observing these marks of emotion, 'I don't
wonder (said she) to see you concerned at the back-slidings of so
near a relation; a man of his years and infirmities: These are
fine doings, truly -- This is a rare example, set by a guardian,
for the benefit of his pupils -- Monstrous! incongruous!
sophistical!' -- I thought it was but an act of justice to set her
to rights; and therefore explained the mystery. But she would not
be undeceived, 'What (said she) would you go for to offer for to
arguefy me out of my senses? Did'n't I hear him whispering to her
to hold her tongue? Did'n't I see her in tears? Did'n't I see him
struggling to throw her upon the couch? 0 filthy! hideous!
abominable! Child, child, talk not to me of charity. -- Who gives
twenty pounds in charity? -- But you are a stripling -- You know
nothing of the world. Besides, charity begins at home -- Twenty
pounds would buy me a complete suit of flowered silk, trimmings
and all --' In short, I quitted the room, my contempt for her, and
my respect for her brother, being increased in the same
proportion. I have since been informed, that the person, whom my
uncle so generously relieved, is the widow of an ensign, who has
nothing to depend upon but the pension of fifteen pounds a year.
The people of the Well-house give her an excellent character. She
lodges in a garret, and works very hard at plain work, to support
her daughter, who is dying of a consumption. I must own, to my
shame, I feel a strong inclination to follow my uncle's example,
in relieving this poor widow; but, betwixt friends, I am afraid
of being detected in a weakness, that might entail the ridicule
of the company, upon,
Dear Phillips,
Yours always,
J. MELFORD
Direct your next to me at Bath; and remember me to all our
fellow-jesuits.
To Dr LEWIS.
H0T WELL, April 20.
I understand your hint. There are mysteries in physic, as well as
in religion; which we of the profane have no right to investigate
-- A man must not presume to use his reason, unless he has
studied the categories, and can chop logic by mode and figure --
Between friends, I think every man of tolerable parts ought, at
my time of day, to be both physician and lawyer, as far as his
own constitution and property are concerned. For my own part, I
have had an hospital these fourteen years within myself, and
studied my own case with the most painful attention; consequently
may be supposed to know something of the matter, although I have
not taken regular courses of physiology et cetera et cetera. --
In short, I have for some time been of opinion (no offence, dear
Doctor) that the sum of all your medical discoveries amounts to
this, that the more you study the less you know. -- I have read
all that has been written on the Hot Wells, and what I can
collect from the whole, is, that the water contains nothing but a
little salt, and calcarious earth, mixed in such inconsiderable
proportion, as can have very little, if any, effect on the animal
economy. This being the case, I think the man deserves to be
fitted with a cap and bells, who for such a paultry advantage as
this spring affords, sacrifices his precious time, which might be
employed in taking more effectual remedies, and exposes himself
to the dirt, the stench, the chilling blasts, and perpetual
rains, that render this place to me intolerable. If these waters,
from a small degree of astringency, are of some service in the
diabetes, diarrhoea, and night sweats, when the secretions are
too much increased, must not they do harm in the same proportion,
where the humours are obstructed, as in the asthma, scurvy, gout
and dropsy? -- Now we talk of the dropsy, here is a strange
fantastical oddity, one of your brethren, who harangues every day
in the Pump-room, as if he was hired to give lectures on all
subjects whatsoever -- I know not what to make of him --
Sometimes he makes shrewd remarks; at other times he talks like
the greatest simpleton in nature -- He has read a great deal; but
without method or judgment, and digested nothing. He believes
every thing he has read; especially if it has any thing of the
marvellous in it and his conversation is a surprizing hotch-potch
of erudition and extravagance. He told me t'other day, with great
confidence, that my case was dropsical; or, as he called it,
leucophlegmatic: A sure sign, that his want of experience is
equal to his presumption -- for, you know, there is nothing
analogous to the dropsy in my disorder -- I wish those
impertinent fellows, with their ricketty understandings, would
keep their advice for those that ask it. Dropsy, indeed! Sure I
have not lived to the age of fifty-five, and had such experience
of my own disorder, and consulted you and other eminent
physicians, so often, and so long, to be undeceived by such a --
But, without all doubt, the man is mad; and, therefore, what he
says is of no consequence. I had, yesterday, a visit from
Higgins, who came hither under the terror of your threats, and
brought me in a present a brace of hares, which he owned he took
in my ground; and I could not persuade the fellow that he did
wrong, or that I would ever prosecute him for poaching -- I must
desire you will wink hard at the practices of this rascallion,
otherwise I shall be plagued with his presents, which cost me
more than they are worth. -- If I could wonder at any thing
Fitzowen does, I should be surprized at his assurance in desiring
you to solicit my vote for him at the next election for the
county: for him, who opposed me, on the like occasion, with the
most illiberal competition. You may tell him civilly, that I beg
to be excused. Direct your next for me at Bath, whither I propose
to remove to-morrow; not only on my own account, but for the sake
of my niece, Liddy, who is like to relapse. The poor creature
fell into a fit yesterday, while I was cheapening a pair of
spectacles, with a Jew-pedlar. I am afraid there is something
still lurking in that little heart of hers, which I hope a change
of objects will remove. Let me know what you think of this half-witted
Doctor's impertinent, ridiculous, and absurd notion of my
disorder -- So far from being dropsical, I am as lank in the
belly as a grey-hound; and, by measuring my ancle with a pack-thread,
I find the swelling subsides every day. From such doctors,
good Lord deliver us! -- I have not yet taken any lodgings in
Bath; because there we can be accommodated at a minute's warning,
and I shall choose for myself -- I need not say your directions
for drinking and bathing will be agreeable to,
Dear Lewis,
Yours ever,
MAT. BRAMBLE
P.S. I forgot to tell you, that my right ancle pits, a symptom,
as I take it, of its being oedematous, not leucophlegmatic.
To Miss LETTY WILLIS, at Gloucester
HOT WELL, April 21.
MY DEAR LETTY,
I did not intend to trouble you again, till we should be settled
at Bath; but having the occasion of Jarvis, I could not let it
slip, especially as I have something extraordinary to communicate.
O, my dear companion! What shall I tell you? for several days
past there was a Jew-looking man, that plied at the Wells with a
box of spectacles; and he always eyed me so earnestly, that I
began to be very uneasy. At last, he came to our lodgings at
Clifton, and lingered about the door, as if he wanted to speak to
somebody -- I was seized with an odd kind of fluttering, and
begged Win to throw herself in his way: but the poor girl has
weak nerves, and was afraid of his beard. My uncle, having
occasion for new glasses, called him up stairs, and was trying a
pair of spectacles, when the man, advancing to me, said in a
whisper -- O gracious! what d'ye think he said? -- 'I am Wilson!'
His features struck me that very moment it was Wilson, sure
enough! but so disguised, that it would have been impossible to
know him, if my heart had not assisted in the discovery. I was so
surprised, and so frightened that I fainted away, but soon
recovered; and found myself supported by him on the chair, while
my uncle was running about the room, with the spectacles on his
nose, calling for help. I had no opportunity to speak to him; but
looks were sufficiently expressive. He was payed for his glasses,
and went away. Then I told Win who he was, and sent her after him
to the Pump-room; where she spoke to him, and begged him in my
name to withdraw from the place, that he might not incur the
suspicion of my uncle or my brother, if he did not want to see me
die of terror and vexation. The poor youth declared, with tears
in his eyes, that he had something extraordinary to communicate;
and asked, if she would deliver a letter to me: but this she
absolutely refused, by my order. -- Finding her obstinate in her
refusal, he desired she would tell me that he was no longer a
player, but a gentleman; in which character he would very soon
avow his passion for me, without fear of censure or reproach --
Nay, he even discovered his name and family, which, to my great
grief, the simple girl forgot, in the confusion occasioned by her
being seen talking to him by my brother, who stopt her on the
road, and asked what business she had with that rascally Jew. She
pretended she was cheapening a stay-hook, but was thrown into
such a quandary, that she forgot the most material part of the
information; and when she came home, went into an hysteric fit of
laughing. This transaction happened three days ago, during which
he has not appeared, so that I suppose he has gone. Dear Letty!
you see how Fortune takes pleasure in persecuting your poor
friend. If you should see him at Gloucester -- or if you have
seen him, and know his real name and family, pray keep me no
longer in suspence -- And yet, if he is under no obligation to
keep himself longer concealed, and has a real affection for me, I
should hope he will, in a little time, declare himself to my
relations. Sure, if there is nothing unsuitable in the match,
they won't be so cruel as to thwart my inclinations -- O what
happiness would then be my portion! I can't help indulging the
thought, and pleasing my fancy with such agreeable ideas; which
after all, perhaps, will never be realized -- But, why should I
despair? who knows what will happen? -- We set out for Bath to-morrow,
and I am almost sorry for it; as I begin to be in love
with solitude, and this is a charming romantic place. The air is
so pure; the Downs are so agreeable; the furz in full blossom;
the ground enamelled with daisies, and primroses, and cowslips;
all the trees bursting into leaves, and the hedges already
clothed with their vernal livery; the mountains covered with
flocks of sheep and tender bleating wanton lambkins playing,
frisking, and skipping from side to side; the groves resound with
the notes of blackbird, thrush, and linnet; and all night long
sweet Philomel pours forth her ravishingly delightful song. Then,
for variety, we go down to the nymph of Bristol spring, where the
company is assembled before dinner; so good natured, so free, so
easy; and there we drink the water so clear, so pure, so mild, so
charmingly maukish. There the fun is so chearful and reviving;
the weather so soft; the walk so agreeable; the prospect so
amusing; and the ships and boats going up and down the river,
close under the windows of the Pump-room, afford such an
enchanting variety of Moving Pictures, as require a much abler
pen than mine to describe. To make this place a perfect paradise
to me, nothing is wanting but an agreeable companion and sincere
friend; such as my
dear miss Willis hath been, and I hope still will be, to her ever
faithful.
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33