The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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Northumberland is a fine county, extending to the Tweed, which is
a pleasant pastoral stream; but you will be surprised when I tell
you that the English side of that river is neither so well
cultivated nor so populous as the other. -- The farms are thinly
scattered, the lands uninclosed, and scarce a gentleman's seat
is to be seen in some miles from the Tweed; whereas the Scots are
advanced in crowds to the very brink of the river, so that you
may reckon above thirty good houses, in the compass of a few
miles, belonging to proprietors whose ancestors had fortified
castles in the same situations, a circumstance that shews what
dangerous neighbours the Scots must have formerly been to the
northern counties of England.

Our domestic oeconomy continues on the old footing. -- My sister
Tabby still adheres to methodism, and had the benefit of a sermon
at Wesley's meeting in Newcastle; but I believe the Passion of
love has in some measure abated the fervour of devotion both in
her and her woman, Mrs Jenkins, about whose good graces there has
been a violent contest betwixt my nephew's valet, Mr Dutton, and
my man, Humphry Clinker. -- Jery has been obliged to interpose his
authority to keep the peace, and to him I have left the
discussion of that important affair, which had like to have
kindled the flames of discord in the family of

Yours always,
MATT. BRAMBLE
TWEEDMOUTH, July 15.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. at Oxon.

DEAR WAT,

In my two last you had so much of Lismahago, that I suppose you
are glad he is gone off the stage for the present. -- I must now
descend to domestic occurrences. -- Love, it seems, is resolved to
assert his dominion over all the females of our family. -- After
having practised upon poor Liddy's heart, and played strange
vagaries with our aunt Mrs Tabitha, he began to run riot in the
affections of her woman, Mrs Winifred Jenkins, whom I have had
occasion to mention more than once in the course of our memoirs.
Nature intended Jenkins for something very different from the
character of her mistress; yet custom and habit have effected a
wonderful resemblance betwixt them in many particulars. Win, to
be sure, is much younger and more agreeable in her person; she is
likewise tender-hearted and benevolent, qualities for which her
mistress is by no means remarkable, no more than she is for being
of a timorous disposition, and much subject to fits of the
mother, which are the infirmities of Win's constitution: but then
she seems to have adopted Mrs Tabby's manner with her cast
cloaths. -- She dresses and endeavours to look like her mistress,
although her own looks are much more engaging. -- She enters into
her scheme of oeconomy, learns her phrases, repeats her remarks,
imitates her stile in scolding the inferior servants, and,
finally, subscribes implicitly to her system of devotion. -- This,
indeed, she found the more agreeable, as it was in a great
measure introduced and confirmed by the ministry of Clinker, with
whose personal merit she seems to have been struck ever since he
exhibited the pattern of his naked skin at Marlborough.

Nevertheless, though Humphry had this double hank upon her
inclinations, and exerted all his power to maintain the conquest
he had made, he found it impossible to guard it on the side of
vanity, where poor Win was as frail as any female in the kingdom.
In short, my rascal Dutton professed himself her admirer, and, by
dint of his outlandish qualifications, threw his rival Clinker
out of the saddle of her heart. Humphry may be compared to an
English pudding, composed of good wholesome flour and suet, and
Dutton to a syllabub or iced froth, which, though agreeable to
the taste, has nothing solid or substantial. The traitor not only
dazzled her, with his second-hand finery, but he fawned, and
flattered, and cringed -- he taught her to take rappee, and
presented her with a snuff-box of papier mache -- he supplied her
with a powder for her teeth -- he mended her complexion, and he
dressed her hair in the Paris fashion -- he undertook to be her
French master and her dancing-master, as well as friseur, and
thus imperceptibly wound himself into her good graces. Clinker
perceived the progress he had made, and repined in secret. -- He
attempted to open her eyes in the way of exhortation, and finding
it produced no effect had recourse to prayer. At Newcastle, while
he attended Mrs Tabby to the methodist meeting his rival
accompanied Mrs Jenkins to the play. He was dressed in a silk
coat, made at Paris for his former master, with a tawdry
waistcoat of tarnished brocade; he wore his hair in a great bag
with a huge solitaire, and a long sword dangled from his thigh.
The lady was all of a flutter with faded lutestring, washed
gauze, and ribbons three times refreshed; but she was most
remarkable for the frisure of her head, which rose, like a
pyramid, seven inches above the scalp, and her face was primed
and patched from the chin up to the eyes; nay, the gallant
himself had spared neither red nor white in improving the nature
of his own complexion. In this attire, they walked together
through the high street to the theatre, and as they passed for
players ready dressed for acting, they reached it unmolested; but
as it was still light when they returned, and by that time the
people had got information of their real character and condition,
they hissed and hooted all the way, and Mrs Jenkins was all
bespattered with dirt, as well as insulted with the opprobrious
name of painted Jezabel, so that her fright and mortification
threw her into an hysteric fit the moment she came home.

Clinker was so incensed at Dutton, whom he considered as the
cause of her disgrace, that he upbraided him severely for having
turned the poor woman's brain. The other affected to treat him
with contempt, and mistaking his forbearance for want of courage,
threatened to horse-whip him into good manners. Humphry then came
to me, humbly begging I would give him leave to chastise my
servant for his insolence -- 'He has challenged me to fight him at
sword's point (said he); but I might as well challenge him to
make a horse-shoe, or a plough iron; for I know no more of the
one than he does of the other. -- Besides, it doth not become
servants to use those weapons, or to claim the privilege of
gentlemen to kill one another when they fall out; moreover, I
would not have his blood upon my conscience for ten thousand
times the profit or satisfaction I should get by his death; but
if your honour won't be angry, I'll engage to gee 'en a good
drubbing, that, may hap, will do 'en service, and I'll take care
it shall do 'en no harm.' I said, I had no objection to what he
proposed, provided he could manage matters so as not to be found
the aggressor, in case Dutton should prosecute him for an assault
and battery.

Thus licensed, he retired; and that same evening easily provoked
his rival to strike the first blow, which Clinker returned with
such interest that he was obliged to call for quarter, declaring,
at the same time, that he would exact severe and bloody
satisfaction the moment we should pass the border, when he could
run him through the body without fear of the consequence. -- This
scene passed in presence of lieutenant Lismahago, who encouraged
Clinker to hazard a thrust of cold iron with his antagonist.
'Cold iron (cried Humphry) I shall never use against the life of
any human creature; but I am so far from being afraid of his cold
iron, that I shall use nothing in my defence but a good cudgel,
which shall always be at his service.' In the mean time, the fair
cause of this contest, Mrs Winifred Jenkins, seemed overwhelmed
with affliction, and Mr Clinker acted much on the reserve, though
he did not presume to find fault with her conduct.

The dispute between the two rivals was soon brought to a very
unexpected issue. Among our fellow-lodgers at Berwick, was a
couple from London, bound to Edinburgh, on the voyage of
matrimony. The female was the daughter and heiress of a
pawnbroker deceased, who had given her guardians the slip, and
put herself under the tuition of a tall Hibernian, who had
conducted her thus far in quest of a clergyman to unite them in
marriage, without the formalities required by the law of England.
I know not how the lover had behaved on the road, so as to
decline in the favour of his inamorata; but, in all probability,
Dutton perceived a coldness on her side, which encouraged him to
whisper, it was a pity she should have cast affections upon a
taylor, which he affirmed the Irishman to be. This discovery
completed her disgust, of which my man taking the advantage,
began to recommend himself to her good graces, and the smooth-tongued
rascal found no difficulty to insinuate himself into the
place of her heart, from which the other had been discarded --
Their resolution was immediately taken. In the morning, before
day, while poor Teague lay snoring a-bed, his indefatigable rival
ordered a post-chaise, and set out with the lady for Coldstream,
a few miles up the Tweed, where there was a parson who dealt in
this branch of commerce, and there they were noosed, before the
Irishman ever dreamt of the matter. But when he got up at six
o'clock, and found the bird was flown, he made such a noise as
alarmed the whole house. One of the first persons he encountered,
was the postilion returned from Coldstream, where he had been
witness to the marriage, and over and above an handsome gratuity,
had received a bride's favour, which he now wore in his cap -- When
the forsaken lover understood they were actually married, and set
out for London; and that Dutton had discovered to the lady, that
he (the Hibernian) was a taylor, he had like to have run
distracted. He tore the ribbon from the fellow's cap, and beat it
about his ears. He swore he would pursue him to the gates of
hell, and ordered a post-chaise and four to be got ready as soon
as possible; but, recollecting that his finances would not admit
of this way of travelling, he was obliged to countermand this
order.

For my part, I knew nothing at all of what had happened, till the
postilion brought me the keys of my trunk and portmanteau, which
he had received from Dutton, who sent me his respects, hoping I
would excuse him for his abrupt departure, as it was a step upon
which his fortune depended. Before I had time to make my uncle
acquainted with this event, the Irishman burst into my chamber,
without any introduction, exclaiming, -- 'By my soul, your sarvant
has robbed me of five thousand pounds, and I'll have
satisfaction, if I should be hanged tomorrow.' -- When I asked him
who he was, 'My name (said he) is Master Macloughlin but it
should be Leighlin Oneale, for I am come from Tir-Owen the Great;
and so I am as good a gentleman as any in Ireland; and that
rogue, your sarvant, said I was a taylor, which was as big a lie
as if he had called me the pope -- I'm a man of fortune, and have
spent all I had; and so being in distress, Mr Coshgrave, the
fashioner in Shuffolk-street, tuck me out, and made me his own
private shecretary: by the same token, I was the last he bailed;
for his friends obliged him to tie himself up, that he would bail
no more above ten pounds; for why, becaase as how, he could not
refuse any body that asked, and therefore in time would have
robbed himself of his whole fortune, and, if he had lived long at
that rate, must have died bankrupt very soon and so I made my
addresses to Miss Skinner, a young lady of five thousand pounds
fortune, who agreed to take me for better nor worse; and, to be
sure, this day would have put me in possession, if it had not
been for that rogue, your sarvant, who came like a tief, and
stole away my property, and made her believe I was a taylor; and
that she was going to marry the ninth part of a man: but the
devil burn my soul, if ever I catch him on the mountains of
Tulloghobegly, if I don't shew him that I'm nine times as good a
man as he, or e'er a bug of his country.'

When he had rung out his first alarm, I told him I was sorry he
had allowed himself to be so jockied; but it was no business of
mine; and that the fellow who robbed him of his bride, had
likewise robbed me of my servant -- 'Didn't I tell you then (cried
he) that Rogue was his true Christian name. -- Oh if I had but one
fair trust with him upon the sod, I'd give him lave to brag all
the rest of his life.'

My uncle hearing the noise, came in, and being informed of this
adventure, began to comfort Mr Oneale for the lady's elopement;
observing that he seemed to have had a lucky escape, that it was
better she should elope before, than after marriage -- The
Hibernian was of a very different opinion. He said, 'If he had
been once married, she might have eloped as soon as she pleased;
he would have taken care that she should not have carried her
fortune along with her -- Ah (said he) she's a Judas Iscariot, and
has betrayed me with a kiss; and, like Judas, she carried the
bag, and has not left me money enough to bear my expences back to
London; and so I'm come to this pass, and the rogue that was the
occasion of it has left you without a sarvant, you may put me in
his place; and by Jasus, it is the best thing you can do.' -- I
begged to be excused, declaring I could put up with any
inconvenience, rather than treat as a footman the descendant of
Tir-Owen the Great. I advised him to return to his friend, Mr
Cosgrave, and take his passage from Newcastle by sea, towards
which I made him a small present, and he retired, seemingly
resigned to his evil fortune. I have taken upon trial a
Scotchman, called Archy M'Alpin, an old soldier, whose last
master, a colonel, lately died at Berwick. The fellow is old and
withered; but he has been recommended to me for his fidelity, by
Mrs Humphreys, a very good sort of a woman, who keeps the inn at
Tweedmouth, and is much respected by all the travellers on this
road.

Clinker, without doubt, thinks himself happy in the removal of a
dangerous rival, and he is too good a Christian, to repine at
Dutton's success. Even Mrs Jenkins will have reason to
congratulate herself upon this event, when she cooly reflects
upon the matter; for, howsoever she was forced from her poise for
a season, by snares laid for her vanity, Humphry is certainly the
north-star to which the needle of her affection would have
pointed at the long run. At present, the same vanity is
exceedingly mortified, upon finding herself abandoned by her new
admirer, in favour of another inamorata. She received the news
with a violent burst of laughter, which soon brought on a fit of
crying; and this gave the finishing blow to the patience of her
mistress, which had held out beyond all expectation. She now
opened all those floodgates of reprehension, which had been shut
so long. She not only reproached her with her levity and
indiscretion, but attacked her on the score of religion,
declaring roundly that she was in a state of apostacy and
reprobation; and finally, threatened to send her a packing at
this extremity of the kingdom. All the family interceded for poor
Winifred, not even excepting her slighted swain, Mr Clinker, who,
on his knees, implored and obtained her pardon.

There was, however, another consideration that gave Mrs Tabitha
some disturbance. At Newcastle, the servants had been informed by
some wag, that there was nothing to eat in Scotland, but oat-meal
and sheep's-heads; and lieutenant Lismahago being consulted, what
he said served rather to confirm than to refute the report. Our
aunt being apprised of this circumstance, very gravely
advised her brother to provide a sumpter horse with store of
hams, tongues, bread, biscuit, and other articles for our
subsistence, in the course of our peregrination, and Mr Bramble
as gravely replied, that he would take the hint into
consideration: but, finding no such provision was made, she now
revived the proposal, observing that there was a tolerable market
at Berwick, where we might be supplied; and that my man's horse
would serve as a beast of burthen -- The 'squire, shrugging his
shoulders, eyed her askance with a look of ineffable contempt:
and, after some pause, 'Sister (said he), I can hardly persuade
myself you are serious.' She was so little acquainted with the
geography of the island, that she imagined we could not go to
Scotland but by sea; and, after we had passed through the town of
Berwick, when he told her we were upon Scottish ground, she could
hardly believe the assertion -- If the truth must be told, the
South Britons in general are woefully ignorant in this
particular. What, between want of curiosity, and traditional
sarcasms, the effect of ancient animosity, the people at the
other end of the island know as little of Scotland as of Japan.

If I had never been in Wales, I should have been more struck with
the manifest difference in appearance betwixt the peasants and
commonalty on different sides of the Tweed. The boors of
Northumberland are lusty fellows, fresh complexioned, cleanly,
and well cloathed; but the labourers in Scotland are generally
lank, lean, hard-featured, sallow, soiled, and shabby, and their
little pinched blue caps have a beggarly effect. The cattle are
much in the same stile with their drivers, meagre, stunted, and
ill equipt. When I talked to my uncle on this subject, he said,
'Though all the Scottish hinds would not bear to be compared with
those of the rich counties of South Britain, they would stand
very well in competition with the peasants of France, Italy, and
Savoy -- not to mention the mountaineers of Wales, and the red-shanks
of Ireland.'

We entered Scotland by a frightful moor of sixteen miles, which
promises very little for the interior parts of the kingdom; but
the prospect mended as we advanced. Passing through Dunbar, which
is a neat little town, situated on the sea-side, we lay at a
country inn, where our entertainment far exceeded our
expectation; but for this we cannot give the Scots credit, as the
landlord is a native of England. Yesterday we dined at
Haddington, which has been a place of some consideration, but is
now gone to decay; and in the evening arrived at this metropolis,
of which I can say very little. It is very romantic, from its
situation on the declivity of a hill, having a fortified castle
at the top, and a royal palace at the bottom. The first thing
that strikes the nose of a stranger, shall be nameless; but what
first strikes the eye, is the unconscionable height of the
houses, which generally rise to five, six, seven, and eight
stories, and, in some places (as I am assured), to twelve. This
manner of building, attended with numberless inconveniences, must
have been originally owing to want of room. Certain it is, the
town seems to be full of people: but their looks, their language,
and their customs, are so different from ours, that I can hardly
believe myself in Great-Britain.

The inn at which we put up (if it may be so called) was so filthy
and disagreeable in all respects, that my uncle began to fret,
and his gouty symptoms to recur -- Recollecting, however, that he
had a letter of recommendation to one Mr Mitchelson, a lawyer, he
sent it by his servant, with a compliment, importing that we
would wait upon him next day in person; but that gentleman
visited us immediately, and insisted upon our going to his own
house, until he could provide lodgings for our accommodation. We
gladly accepted, of his invitation, and repaired to his house,
where we were treated with equal elegance and hospitality, to the
utter confusion of our aunt, whose prejudices, though beginning
to give way, were not yet entirely removed. To-day, by the
assistance of our friend, we are settled in convenient lodgings,
up four pair of stairs, in the High-street, the fourth story
being, in this city, reckoned more genteel than the first. The
air is, in all probability, the better; but it requires good
lungs to breathe it at this distance above the surface of the
earth. -- While I do remain above it, whether higher or lower,
provided I breathe at all,

I shall ever be,
Dear Phillips, yours,
J. MELFORD
July 18.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR LEWIS,

That part of Scotland contiguous to Berwick, nature seems to have
intended as a barrier between two hostile nations. It is a brown
desert of considerable extent, that produces nothing but heath
and fern; and what rendered it the more dreary when we passed,
there was a thick fog that hindered us from seeing above twenty
yards from the carriage -- My sister began to make wry faces, and
use her smelling-bottle; Liddy looked blank, and Mrs Jenkins
dejected; but in a few hours these clouds were dissipated; the
sea appeared upon our right, and on the left the mountains
retired a little, leaving an agreeable plain betwixt them and the
beach; but, what surprised us all, this plain, to the extent of
several miles, was covered with as fine wheat as ever I saw in
the most fertile parts of South Britain -- This plentiful crop is
raised in the open field, without any inclosure, or other manure
than the alga marina, or seaweed, which abounds on this coast; a
circumstance which shews that the soil and climate are
favourable; but that agriculture in this country is not yet
brought to that perfection which it has attained in England.
Inclosures would not only keep the grounds warm, and the several
fields distinct, but would also protect the crop from the high
winds, which are so frequent in this part of the island.

Dunbar is well situated for trade, and has a curious bason, where
ships of small burthen may be perfectly secure; but there is
little appearance of business in the place -- From thence, all the
way to Edinburgh, there is a continual succession of fine seats,
belonging to noblemen and gentlemen; and as each is surrounded by
its own parks and plantation, they produce a very pleasing effect
in a country which lies otherwise open and exposed. At Dunbar
there is a noble park, with a lodge, belonging to the Duke of
Roxburgh, where Oliver Cromwell had his head-quarters, when
Lesley, at the head of a Scotch army, took possession of the
mountains in the neighbourhood, and hampered him in such a
manner, that he would have been obliged to embark and get away by
sea, had not the fanaticism of the enemy forfeited the advantage
which they had obtained by their general's conduct -- Their
ministers, by exhortation, prayer, assurance, and prophecy,
instigated them to go down and slay the Philistines in Gilgal,
and they quitted their ground accordingly, notwithstanding all
that Lesley could do to restrain the madness of their enthusiasm --
When Oliver saw them in motion, he exclaimed, 'Praised be the
Lord, he hath delivered them into the hands of his servant!' and
ordered his troops to sing a psalm of thanksgiving, while they
advanced in order to the plain, where the Scots were routed with
great slaughter.

In the neighbourhood of Haddington, there is a gentleman's house,
in the building of which, and the improvements about it, he is
said to have expended forty thousand pounds: but I cannot say I
was much pleased with either the architecture or the situation;
though it has in front a pastoral stream, the banks of which are
laid out in a very agreeable manner. I intended to pay my
respects to Lord Elibank, whom I had the honour to know at London
many years ago. He lives in this part of Lothian; but was gone to
the North, on a visit -- You have often heard me mention this
nobleman, whom I have long revered for his humanity and universal
intelligence, over and above the entertainment arising from
originality of his character -- At Musselburgh, however, I had the
good-fortune to drink tea with my old friend Mr Cardonel; and at
his house I met with Dr C--, the parson of the parish, whose
humour and conversation inflamed me with a desire of being better
acquainted with his person -- I am not at all surprised that these
Scots make their way in every quarter of the globe.

This place is but four miles from Edinburgh, towards which we
proceeded along the sea-shore, upon a firm bottom of smooth sand,
which the tide had left uncovered in its retreat -- Edinburgh, from
this avenue, is not seen to much advantage -- We had only an
imperfect view of the Castle and upper parts of the town, which
varied incessantly according to the inflexions of the road, and
exhibited the appearance of detached spires and turrets,
belonging to some magnificent edifice in ruins. The palace of
Holyrood house stands on the left, as you enter the Canon-gate --
This is a street continued from hence to the gate called Nether
Bow, which is now taken away; so that there is no interruption
for a long mile, from the bottom to the top of the hill on which
the castle stands in a most imperial situation -- Considering its
fine pavement, its width, and the lofty houses on each side, this
would be undoubtedly one of the noblest streets in Europe, if an
ugly mass of mean buildings, called the Lucken-Booths, had not
thrust itself, by what accident I know not, into the middle of
the way, like Middle-Row in Holborn. The city stands upon two
hills, and the bottom between them; and, with all its defects,
may very well pass for the capital of a moderate kingdom. -- It is
full of people, and continually resounds with the noise of
coaches and other carriages, for luxury as well as commerce. As
far as I can perceive, here is no want of provisions -- The beef
and mutton are as delicate here as in Wales; the sea affords
plenty of good fish; the bread is remarkably fine; and the water
is excellent, though I'm afraid not in sufficient quantity to
answer all the purposes of cleanliness and convenience; articles
in which, it must be allowed, our fellow-subjects are a little
defective -- The water is brought in leaden pipes from a mountain
in the neighbourhood, to a cistern on the Castle-hill, from
whence it is distributed to public conduits in different parts of
the city. From these it is carried in barrels, on the backs of
male and female porters, up two, three, four, five, six, seven,
and eight pairs of stairs, for the use of particular families --
Every story is a complete house, occupied by a separate family;
and the stair being common to them all, is generally left in a
very filthy condition; a man must tread with great circumspection
to get safe housed with unpolluted shoes -- Nothing can form a
stronger contrast, than the difference betwixt the outside and
inside of the door, for the good-women of this metropolis are
remarkably nice in the ornaments and propriety of their
apartments, as if they were resolved to transfer the imputation
from the individual to the public. You are no stranger to their
method of discharging all their impurities from their windows, at
a certain hour of the night, as the custom is in Spain, Portugal,
and some parts of France and Italy -- A practice to which I can by
no means be reconciled; for notwithstanding all the care that is
taken by their scavengers to remove this nuisance every morning
by break of day, enough still remains to offend the eyes, as well
as other organs of those whom use has not hardened against all
delicacy of sensation.

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