The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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The inhabitants seem insensible to these impressions, and are apt
to imagine the disgust that we avow is little better than
affectation; but they ought to have some compassion for
strangers, who have not been used to this kind of sufferance; and
consider, whether it may not be worth while to take some pains to
vindicate themselves from the reproach that, on this account,
they bear among their neighbours. As to the surprising height of
their houses, it is absurd in many respects; but in one
particular light I cannot view it without horror; that is, the
dreadful situation of all the families above, in case the common
staircase should be rendered impassable by a fire in the lower
stories -- In order to prevent the shocking consequences that must
attend such an accident, it would be a right measure to open
doors of communication from one house to another, on every story,
by which the people might fly from such a terrible visitation. In
all parts of the world, we see the force of habit prevailing over
all the dictates of convenience and sagacity. All the people of
business at Edinburgh, and even the genteel company, may be seen
standing in crowds every day, from one to two in the afternoon,
in the open street, at a place where formerly stood a market-cross,
which (by the bye) was a curious piece of Gothic
architecture, still to be seen in lord Sommerville's garden in
this neighbourhood -- I say, the people stand in the open street
from the force of custom, rather than move a few yards to an
Exchange that stands empty on one side, or to the Parliament-close
on the other, which is a noble square adorned with a fine
equestrian statue of king Charles II. -- The company thus
assembled, are entertained with a variety of tunes, played upon a
set of bells, fixed in a steeple hard by -- As these bells are
well-toned, and the musician, who has a salary from the city, for
playing upon them with keys, is no bad performer, the
entertainment is really agreeable, and very striking to the ears
of a stranger.

The public inns of Edinburgh are still worse than those of
London; but by means of a worthy gentleman, to whom I was
recommended, we have got decent lodgings in the house of a widow
gentlewoman of the name of Lockhart; and here I shall stay until
I have seen every thing that is remarkable in and about this
capital. I now begin to feel the good effects of exercise -- I eat
like a farmer, sleep from mid-night till eight in the morning
without interruption, and enjoy a constant tide of spirits,
equally distant from inanition and excess; but whatever ebbs or
flows my constitution may undergo, my heart will still declare
that I am,

Dear Lewis,
Your affectionate friend and servant,
MATT. BRAMBLE
EDR. July 18.

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall.

DEAR MARY,

The 'squire has been so kind as to rap my bit of nonsense under
the kiver of his own sheet -- O, Mary Jones! Mary Jones! I have had
trials and trembulation. God help me! I have been a vixen and a
griffin these many days -- Sattin has had power to temp me in the
shape of van Ditton, the young 'squire's wally de shamble; but by
God's grease he did not purvail -- I thoft as how, there was no arm
in going to a play at Newcastle, with my hair dressed in the
Parish fashion; and as for the trifle of paint, he said as how my
complexion wanted touch, and so I let him put it on with a little
Spanish owl; but a mischievous mob of colliers, and such
promiscous ribble rabble, that could bare no smut but their own,
attacked us in the street, and called me hoar and painted
Issabel, and splashed my close, and spoiled me a complete set of
blond lace triple ruffles, not a pin the worse for the ware -- They
cost me seven good sillings, to lady Griskin's woman at London.

When I axed Mr Clinker what they meant by calling me Issabel, he
put the byebill into my hand, and I read of van Issabel a painted
harlot, that vas thrown out of a vindore, and the dogs came and
licked her blood. But I am no harlot; and, with God's blessing, no
dog shall have my poor blood to lick: marry, Heaven forbid, amen!
As for Ditton, after all his courting, and his compliment, he
stole away an Irishman's bride, and took a French leave of me and
his master; but I vally not his going a farting; but I have had
hanger on his account -- Mistriss scoulded like mad; thof I have
the comfit that all the family took my part, and even Mr Clinker
pleaded for me on his bended knee; thof, God he knows, he had
raisins enuff to complain; but he's a good sole, abounding with
Christian meekness, and one day will meet with his reward.

And now, dear Mary, we have got to Haddingborrough, among the
Scots, who are civil enuff for our money, thof I don't speak
their lingo -- But they should not go for to impose upon
foreigners; for the bills in their houses say, they have
different easements to let; and behold there is nurro geaks in
the whole kingdom, nor any thing for poor sarvants, but a barrel
with a pair of tongs thrown a-cross; and all the chairs in the
family are emptied into this here barrel once a-day; and at ten
o'clock at night the whole cargo is flung out of a back windore
that looks into some street or lane, and the maids calls gardy
loo to the passengers which signifies Lord have mercy upon you!
and this is done every night in every house in Haddingborrough;
so you may guess, Mary Jones, what a sweet savour comes from such
a number of profuming pans; but they say it is wholesome, and,
truly, I believe it is; for being in the vapours, and thinking of
Issabel and Mr Clinker, I was going into a fit of astericks, when
this fiff, saving your presence, took me by the nose so
powerfully that I sneezed three times, and found myself
wonderfully refreshed; and this to be sure is the raisin why
there are no fits in Haddingborrough.

I was likewise made believe, that there was nothing to be had but
oatmeal and seeps-heads; but if I hadn't been a fool, I mought
have known there could be no heads without kerkasses -- This very
blessed day I dined upon a delicate leg of Velsh mutton and
cully-flower; and as for the oat-meal, I leave that to the
sarvants of the country, which are pore drudges, many of them
without shoes or stockings -- Mr Clinker tells me here is a great
call of the gospel; but I wish, I wish some of our family be not
fallen off from the rite way -- O, if I was given to tailbaring, I
have my own secrets to discover -- There has been a deal of
huggling and flurtation betwixt mistress and an ould Scotch
officer, called Kismycago. He looks for all the orld like the
scare-crow that our gardener has set up to frite away the
sparrows; and what will come of it, the Lord knows; but come what
will, it shall never be said that I menchioned a syllabub of the
matter -- Remember me kindly to Saul and the kitten -- I hope they
got the horn-buck, and will put it to a good yuse, which is the
constant prayer of,

Dear Molly,
Your loving friend,
WIN. JENKINS
ADDINGBOROUGH, July 18.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR PHILLIPS,

If I stay much longer at Edinburgh, I shall be changed into a
downright Caledonian -- My uncle observes, that I have already
acquired something of the country accent. The people here are so
social and attentive in their civilities to strangers, that I am
insensibly sucked into the channel of their manners and customs,
although they are in fact much more different from ours than you
can imagine -- That difference, however, which struck me very much
at my first arrival, I now hardly perceive, and my ear is
perfectly reconciled to the Scotch accent, which I find even
agreeable in the mouth of a pretty woman -- It is a sort of Doric
dialect, which gives an idea of amiable simplicity -- You cannot
imagine how we have been caressed and feasted in the good town of
Edinburgh of which we are become free denizens and guild
brothers, by the special favour of the magistracy.

I had a whimsical commission from Bath, to a citizen of this
metropolis. Quin, understanding our intention to visit Edinburgh,
pulled out a guinea, and desired the favour I would drink it at a
tavern, with a particular friend and bottle-companion of his, Mr
R-- C--, a lawyer of this city -- I charged myself with the
commission, and, taking the guinea, 'You see (said I) I have
pocketed your bounty.' 'Yes (replied Quin, laughing); and a
headake into the bargain, if you drink fair.' I made use of this
introduction to Mr C--, who received me with open arms, and gave
me the rendezvous, according to the cartel. He had provided a
company of jolly fellows, among whom I found myself extremely
happy; and did Mr C-- and Quin all the justice in my power; but,
alas, I was no more than a tiro among a troop of veterans, who
had compassion upon my youth and conveyed me home in the morning
by what means I know not -- Quin was mistaken, however, as to the
head-ake; the claret was too good to treat me so roughly.

While Mr Bramble holds conferences with the graver literati of
the place, and our females are entertained at visits by the
Scotch ladies, who are the best and kindest creatures upon earth,
I pass my time among the bucks of Edinburgh; who, with a great
share of spirit and vivacity, have a certain shrewdness and self-
command that is not often found among their neighbours, in the
high-day of youth and exultation -- Not a hint escapes a Scotchman
that can be interpreted into offence by any individual in the
company; and national reflections are never heard -- In this
particular, I must own, we are both unjust and ungrateful to the
Scots; for, as far as I am able to judge, they have a real esteem
for the natives of South-Britain; and never mention our country,
but with expressions of regard -- Nevertheless, they are far from
being servile imitators of our modes and fashionable vices. All
their customs and regulations of public and private oeconomy, of
business and diversion, are in their own stile. This remarkably
predominates in their looks, their dress and manner, their music,
and even their cookery. Our 'squire declares, that he knows not
another people upon earth, so strongly marked with a national
character -- Now we are upon the article of cookery, I must own,
some of their dishes are savoury, and even delicate; but I am not
yet Scotchman enough to relish their singed sheep's-head and
haggice, which were provided at our request, one day at Mr
Mitchelson's, where we dined -- The first put me in mind of the
history of Congo, in which I had read of negroes' heads sold
publickly in the markets; the last, being a mess of minced
lights, livers, suet, oat-meal, onions, and pepper, inclosed in a
sheep's stomach, had a very sudden effect upon mine, and the
delicate Mrs Tabby changed colour; when the cause of our disgust
was instantaneously removed at the nod of our entertainer. The
Scots, in general, are attached to this composition, with a sort
of national fondness, as well as to their oat-meal bread; which
is presented at every table, in thin triangular cakes, baked upon
a plate of iron, called a girdle; and these, many of the natives,
even in the higher ranks of life, prefer to wheaten-bread, which
they have here in perfection -- You know we used to vex poor Murray
of Baliol college, by asking, if there was really no fruit but
turnips in Scotland? -- Sure enough, I have seen turnips make their
appearance, not as a desert, but by way of hors d'oeuvres, or
whets, as radishes are served betwixt more substantial dishes in
France and Italy; but it must be observed, that the turnips of
this country are as much superior in sweetness, delicacy, and
flavour, to those in England, as a musk-melon is to the stock of
a common cabbage. They are small and conical, of a yellowish
colour, with a very thin skin and, over and above their agreeable
taste, are valuable for their antiscorbutic quality -- As to the
fruit now in season, such as cherries, gooseberries, and
currants, there is no want of them at Edinburgh; and in the
gardens of some gentlemen, who live in the neighbourhood, there
is now a very favourable appearance of apricots, peaches,
nectarines, and even grapes: nay, I have seen a very fine shew of
pineapples within a few miles of this metropolis. Indeed, we have
no reason to be surprised at these particulars, when we consider
how little difference there is, in fact, betwixt this climate and
that of London.

All the remarkable places in the city and its avenues, for ten
miles around, we have visited, much to our satisfaction. In the
Castle are some royal apartments, where the sovereign
occasionally resided; and here are carefully preserved the
regalia of the kingdom, consisting of a crown, said to be of
great value, a sceptre, and a sword of state, adorned with
jewels -- Of these symbols of sovereignty, the people are
exceedingly jealous -- A report being spread during the sitting of
the union-parliament, that they were removed to London, such a
tumult arose, that the lord commissioner would have been torn to
pieces, if he had not produced them for the satisfaction of the
populace.

The palace of Holyrood-house is an elegant piece of architecture,
but sunk in an obscure, and, as I take it, unwholesome bottom,
where one would imagine it had been placed on purpose to be
concealed. The apartments are lofty, but unfurnished; and as for
the pictures of the Scottish kings, from Fergus I. to king
William, they are paultry daubings, mostly by the same hand,
painted either from the imagination, or porters hired to sit for
the purpose. All the diversions of London we enjoy at Edinburgh,
in a small compass. Here is a well conducted concert, in which
several gentlemen perform on different instruments -- The Scots are
all musicians -- Every man you meet plays on the flute, the violin,
or violoncello; and there is one nobleman, whose compositions are
universally admired -- Our company of actors is very tolerable; and
a subscription is now on foot for building a new theatre; but
their assemblies please me above all other public exhibitions.

We have been at the hunters' ball, where I was really astonished
to see such a number of fine women -- The English, who have never
crossed the Tweed, imagine erroneously, that the Scotch ladies
are not remarkable for personal attractions; but, I can declare
with a safe conscience, I never saw so many handsome females
together, as were assembled on this occasion. At the Leith races,
the best company comes hither from the remoter provinces; so
that, I suppose, we had all the beauty of the kingdom
concentrated as it were into one focus; which was, indeed, so
vehement, that my heart could hardly resist its power. Between
friends, it has sustained some damage from the bright eyes of the
charming miss R[ento]n, whom I had the honour to dance with at
the ball -- The countess of Melville attracted all eyes, and the
admiration of all present -- She was accompanied by the agreeable
miss Grieve, who made many conquests; nor did my sister Liddy
pass unnoticed in the assembly -- She is become a toast at
Edinburgh, by the name of the Fair Cambrian, and has already been
the occasion of much wine-shed; but the poor girl met with an
accident at the ball, which has given us great disturbance.

A young gentleman, the express image of that rascal Wilson, went
up to ask her to dance a minuet; and his sudden appearance
shocked her so much, that she fainted away -- I call Wilson a
rascal, because, if he had been really a gentleman, with
honourable intentions, he would have, ere now, appeared in his
own character -- I must own, my blood boils with indignation when I
think of that fellow's presumption; and Heaven confound me if I
don't -- But I won't be so womanish as to rail -- Time will, perhaps,
furnish occasion -- Thank God, the cause of Liddy's disorder
remains a secret. The lady directress of the ball, thinking she
was overcome by the heat of the place, had her conveyed to
another room, where she soon recovered so well, as to return and
join in the country dances, in which the Scotch lasses acquit
themselves with such spirit and agility, as put their partners to
the height of their mettle. I believe our aunt, Mrs Tabitha, had
entertained hopes of being able to do some execution among the
cavaliers at this assembly. She had been several days in
consultation with milliners and mantua-makers, preparing for the
occasion, at which she made her appearance in a full suit of
damask, so thick and heavy, that the sight of it alone, at this
season of the year, was sufficient to draw drops of sweat from
any man of ordinary imagination -- She danced one minuet with our
friend Mr Mitchelson, who favoured her so far, in the spirit of
hospitality and politeness; and she was called out a second time
by the young laird of Ballymawhawple, who, coming in by accident,
could not readily find any other partner; but as the first was a
married man, and the second payed no particular homage to her
charms, which were also over-looked by the rest of the company,
she became dissatisfied and censorious -- At supper, she observed
that the Scotch gentlemen made a very good figure, when they were
a little improved by travelling; and therefore it was pity they
did not all take the benefit of going abroad. She said the women
were awkward, masculine creatures; that, in dancing, they lifted
their legs like so many colts; that they had no idea of graceful
motion, and put on their clothes in a frightful manner; but if
the truth must be told, Tabby herself was the most ridiculous
figure, and the worst dressed of the whole assembly. The neglect
of the male sex rendered her malcontent and peevish; she now
found fault with every thing at Edinburgh, and teized her brother
to leave the place, when she was suddenly reconciled to it on a
religious consideration -- There is a sect of fanaticks, who have
separated themselves from the established kirk, under the name of
Seceders -- They acknowledge no earthly head of the church, reject
lay-patronage, and maintain the methodist doctrines of the new
birth, the new light, the efficacy of grace, the insufficiency of
works, and the operations of the spirit. Mrs Tabitha, attended by
Humphry Clinker, was introduced to one of their conventicles,
where they both received much edification; and she has had the
good fortune to come acquainted with a pious Christian, called Mr
Moffat, who is very powerful in prayer, and often assists her in
private exercises of devotion.

I never saw such a concourse of genteel company at any races in
England, as appeared on the course of Leith -- Hard by, in the
fields called the Links, the citizens of Edinburgh divert
themselves at a game called golf, in which they use a curious
kind of bats, tipt with horn, and small elastic balls of leather,
stuffed with feathers, rather less than tennis balls, but of a
much harder consistence -- This they strike with such force and
dexterity from one hole to another, that they will fly to an
incredible distance. Of this diversion the Scots are so fond,
that when the weather will permit, you may see a multitude of all
ranks, from the senator of justice to the lowest tradesman,
mingled together in their shirts, and following the balls with
the utmost eagerness. Among others, I was shewn one particular set
of golfers, the youngest of whom was turned of fourscore -- They
were all gentlemen of independent fortunes, who had amused
themselves with this pastime for the best part of a century,
without having ever felt the least alarm from sickness or
disgust; and they never went to bed, without having each the best
part of a gallon of claret in his belly. Such uninterrupted
exercise, co-operating with the keen air from the sea, must,
without all doubt, keep the appetite always on edge, and steel
the constitution against all the common attacks of distemper.

The Leith races gave occasion to another entertainment of a very
singular nature -- There is at Edinburgh a society or corporation
of errand-boys, called cawdies, who ply in the streets at night
with paper lanthorns, and are very serviceable in carrying
messages -- These fellows, though shabby in their appearance, and
rudely familiar in their address, are wonderfully acute, and so
noted for fidelity, that there is no instance of [a] cawdy's
having betrayed his trust -- Such is their intelligence, that they
know, not only every individual of the place, but also every
stranger, by that time he has been four and twenty hours in
Edinburgh; and no transaction, even the most private, can escape
their notice. They are particularly famous for their dexterity in
executing one of the functions of Mercury; though, for my own
part, I never employed them in this department of business -- Had I
occasion for any service of this nature, my own man, Archy
M'Alpine, is as well qualified as e'er a cawdie in Edinburgh; and
I am much mistaken, if he has not been heretofore of their
fraternity. Be that as it may, they resolved to give a dinner and
a ball at Leith, to which they formally invited all the young
noblemen and gentlemen that were at the races; and this
invitation was reinforced by an assurance that all the celebrated
ladies of pleasure would grace the entertainment with their
company. -- I received a card on this occasion, and went thither
with half a dozen of my acquaintance. -- In a large hall the cloth
was laid on a long range of tables joined together, and here the
company seated themselves, to the number of about fourscore,
lords, and lairds, and other gentlemen, courtezans and cawdies
mingled
together, as the slaves and their masters were in the time of the
Saturnalia in ancient Rome. -- The toast master, who sat at the
upper end, was one Cawdie Fraser, a veteran pimp, distinguished
for his humour and sagacity, well known and much respected in his
profession by all the guests, male and female, that were here
assembled. -- He had bespoke the dinner and the wine: he had taken
care that all his brethren should appear in decent apparel and
clean linen; and he himself wore a periwig with three tails in
honour of the festival. -- I assure you the banquet was both
elegant and plentiful, and seasoned with a thousand sallies, that
promoted a general spirit of mirth and good humour. -- After the
desert, Mr Fraser proposed the following toasts, which I don't
pretend to explain. 'The best in Christendom.' -- 'Gibbs'
contract.' -- 'The beggar's benison,' -- 'King and kirk.' -- 'Great
Britain and Ireland.' Then, filling a bumper, and turning to me,
'Mester Malford (said he), may a' unkindness cease betwixt John
Bull and his sister Moggy.' -- The next person he singled out, was
a nobleman who had been long abroad. -- 'Ma lord (cried Fraser),
here is a bumper to a' those noblemen who have virtue enough to
spend their rents in their ain countray.' -- He afterwards
addressed himself to a member of parliament in these words: --
'Meester -- I'm sure ye'll ha' nae objection to my drinking,
disgrace and dule to ilka Scot, that sells his conscience and his
vote.' -- He discharged a third sarcasm at a person very gaily
dressed, who had risen from small beginnings, and made a
considerable fortune at play. -- Filling his glass, and calling him
by name, 'Lang life (said he), to the wylie loon that gangs a-field
with a toom poke at his lunzie, and comes hame with a
sackful of siller.' -- All these toasts being received with loud
bursts of applause, Mr Fraser called for pint glasses, and filled
his own to the brim: then standing up, and all his brethren
following his example, 'Ma lords and gentlemen (cried he), here
is a cup of thanks for the great and undeserved honour you have
done your poor errand-boys this day.' -- So saying, he and they
drank off their glasses in a trice, and quitting their seats,
took their station each behind one of the other guests;
exclaiming, 'Noo we're your honours cawdies again.'

The nobleman who had bore the first brunt of Mr Fraser's satire,
objected to his abdication. He said, as the company was assembled
by invitation from the cawdies, he expected they were to be
entertained at their expense. 'By no means, my lord (cried
Fraser), I wad na he guilty of sic presumption for the wide
warld -- I never affronted a gentleman since I was born; and sure
at this age I wonnot offer an indignity to sic an honourable
convention.' 'Well (said his Lordship) as you have expended some
wit, you have a right to save your money. You have given me good
counsel, and I take it in good part. As you have voluntarily
quitted your seat, I will take your place with the leave of the
good company, and think myself happy to be hailed, Father of the
Feast.' He was forthwith elected into the chair, and complimented
in a bumper in his new character.

The claret continued to circulate without interruption, till the
glasses seemed to dance upon the table, and this, perhaps, was a
hint to the ladies to call for music -- At eight in the evening the
ball began in another apartment: at midnight we went to supper;
but it was broad day before I found the way to my lodgings; and,
no doubt, his Lordship had a swinging bill to discharge.

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