The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

T >> Tobias Smollett >> The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33

A few days ago, my uncle and I, going to visit a relation, met
with lord Oxmington at his house, who asked us to dine with him,
next day, and we accepted the invitation. -- Accordingly, leaving
our women under the care of captain Lismahago, at the inn where
we had lodged the preceding night, in a little town, about a mile
from his lordship's dwelling, we went at the hour appointed, and
had a fashionable meal served up with much ostentation to a
company of about a dozen persons, none of whom he had ever seen
before. -- His lordship is much more remarkable for his pride and
caprice, than for his hospitality and understanding; and, indeed,
it appeared, that he considered his guests merely as objects to
shine upon, so as to reflect the lustre of his own magnificence --
There was much state, but no courtesy; and a great deal of
compliment without any conversation. -- Before the desert was
removed, our noble entertainer proposed three general toasts;
then calling for a glass of wine, and bowing all round, wished us
a good afternoon. This was the signal for the company to break
up, and they obeyed it immediately, all except our 'squire who
was greatly shocked at the manner of this dismission -- He changed
countenance, bit his lip in silence, but still kept his seat, so
that his lordship found himself obliged to give us another hint,
by saying, he should be glad to see us another time. 'There is no
time like the present (cried Mr Bramble); your lordship has not
yet drank a bumper to the best in Christendom.' 'I'll drink no
more bumpers to-day (answered our landlord); and I am sorry to
see you have drank too many. -- Order the gentleman's carriage to
the gate.' -- So saying, he rose and retired abruptly; our 'squire
starting up at the same time, laying his hand upon his sword, and
eyeing him with a most ferocious aspect. The master having
vanished in this manner, our uncle bad one of the servants to see
what was to pay; and the fellow answering, 'This is no inn,' 'I
cry you mercy (cried the other), I perceive it is not; if it
were, the landlord would be more civil. There's a guinea,
however; take it, and tell your lord, that I shall riot leave the
country till I have had the opportunity to thank him in person
for his politeness and hospitality.'

We then walked down stairs through a double range of lacqueys,
and getting into the chaise, proceeded homewards. Perceiving the
'squire much ruffled, I ventured to disapprove of his resentment,
observing, that as lord Oxmington was well known to have his
brain very ill timbered, a sensible man should rather laugh, than
be angry at his ridiculous want of breeding. -- Mr Bramble took
umbrage at my presuming to be wiser than he upon this occasion;
and told me, that as he had always thought for himself in every
occurrence in life, he would still use the same privilege, with
my good leave.

When we returned to our inn, he closeted Lismahago; and having
explained his grievance, desired that gentleman to go and demand
satisfaction of lord Oxmington in his name. -- The lieutenant
charged himself with this commission, and immediately set out a
horseback for his lordship's house, attended, at his own request,
by my man Archy Macalpine, who had been used to military service;
and truly, if Macalpine had been mounted upon an ass, this couple
might have passed for the knight of La Mancha and his 'squire
Panza. It was not till after some demur that Lismahago obtained a
private audience, at which he formally defied his lordship to
single combat, in the name of Mr Bramble, and desired him to
appoint the time and place. Lord Oxmington was so confounded at
this unexpected message, that he could not, for some time, make
any articulate reply; but stood staring at the lieutenant with
manifest marks of perturbation. At length, ringing a bell with
great vehemence, he exclaimed, 'What! a commoner send a challenge
to a peer of the realm! -- Privilege! privilege! -- Here's a person
brings me a challenge from the Welshman that dined at my table --
An impudent fellow. -- My wine is not yet out of his head.'

The whole house was immediately in commotion. -- Macalpine made a
soldierly retreat with two horses; but the captain was suddenly
surrounded and disarmed by the footmen, whom a French valet de
chambre headed in this exploit; his sword was passed through a
close-stool, and his person through the horse-pond. In this
plight he returned to the inn, half mad with his disgrace. So
violent was the rage of his indignation, that he mistook its
object. -- He wanted to quarrel with Mr Bramble; he said, he had
been dishonoured on his account, and he looked for reparation at
his hands. -- My uncle's back was up in a moment; and he desired
him to explain his pretensions. -- 'Either compel lord Oxmington to
give me satisfaction (cried he), or give it me in your own
person.' 'The latter part of the alternative is the most easy and
expeditious (replied the 'squire, starting up): if you are
disposed for a walk, I'll attend you this moment.'

Here they were interrupted by Mrs Tabby, who had overheard all
that passed. -- She now burst into the room, and running betwixt
them, in great agitation, 'Is this your regard for me (said she
to the lieutenant), to seek the life of my brother?' Lismahago,
who seemed to grow cool as my uncle grew hot, assured her he had
a very great respect for Mr Bramble, but he had still more for
his own honour, which had suffered pollution; but if that could
be once purified, he should have no further cause of
dissatisfaction. The 'squire said, he should have thought it
incumbent upon him to vindicate the lieutenant's honour; but, as
he had now carved for himself, he might swallow and digest it as
well as he could -- In a word, what betwixt the mediation of Mrs
Tabitha, the recollection of the captain, who perceived he had
gone too far, and the remonstrances of your humble servant, who
joined them at this juncture, those two originals were perfectly
reconciled; and then we proceeded to deliberate upon the means of
taking vengeance for the insults they had received from the
petulant peer; for, until that aim should be accomplished, Mr
Bramble swore, with great emphasis, that he would not leave the
inn where we now lodged, even if he should pass his Christmas on
the spot.

In consequence of our deliberations, we next day, in the
forenoon, proceeded in a body to his lordship's house, all of us,
with our servants, including the coachman, mounted a-horseback,
with our pistols loaded and ready primed. -- Thus prepared for
action, we paraded solemnly and slowly before his lordship's
gate, which we passed three times in such a manner, that he could
not but see us, and suspect the cause of our appearance. -- After
dinner we returned, and performed the same cavalcade, which was
again repeated the morning following; but we had no occasion to
persist in these manoeuvres. About noon, we were visited by the
gentleman, at whose house we had first seen lord Oxmington. -- He
now came to make apologies in the name of his lordship, who
declared he had no intention to give offence to my uncle, in
practising what had been always the custom of his house; and that
as for the indignities which had been put upon the officer, they
were offered without his Lordship's knowledge, at the instigation
of his valet de chambre. -- 'If that be the case (said my uncle, in
a peremptory tone), I shall be contented with lord Oxmington's
personal excuses; and I hope my friend will be satisfied with his
lordship's turning that insolent rascal out of his service.' --
'Sir (cried Lismahago), I must insist upon taking personal
vengeance for the personal injuries I have sustained.'

After some debate, the affair was adjusted in this manner. -- His
lordship, meeting us at our friend's house, declared he was sorry
for what had happened; and that he had no intention to give
umbrage. -- The valet de chambre asked pardon of the lieutenant
upon his knees, when Lismahago, to the astonishment of all
present, gave him a violent kick on the face, which laid him on
his back, exclaiming in a furious tone, 'Oui je te pardonne, gens
foutre.'

Such was the fortunate issue of this perilous adventure, which
threatened abundance of vexation to our family; for the 'squire
is one of those who will sacrifice both life and fortune, rather
than leave what they conceive to be the least speck or blemish
upon their honour and reputation. His lordship had no sooner
pronounced his apology, with a very bad grace, than he went away
in some disorder, and, I dare say, he will never invite another
Welchman to his table.

We forthwith quitted the field of this atchievement, in order to
prosecute our journey; but we follow no determinate course. We
make small deviations, to see the remarkable towns, villas, and
curiosities on each side of our route; so that we advance by slow
steps towards the borders of Monmouthshire: but in the midst of
these irregular motions, there is no abberration nor eccentricity
in that affection with which I am, dear Wat,

Yours always,
J. MELFORD
Sept. 28.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR DICK,

At what time of life may a man think himself exempted from the
necessity of sacrificing his repose to the punctilios of a
contemptible world? I have been engaged in a ridiculous
adventure, which I shall recount at meeting; and this, I hope,
will not be much longer delayed, as we have now performed almost
all our visits, and seen every thing that I think has any right
to retard us in our journey homewards -- A few days ago,
understanding by accident, that my old friend Baynard was in the
country, I would not pass so near his habitation without paying
him a visit, though our correspondence had been interrupted for a
long course of years.

I felt my self very sensibly affected by the idea of our past
intimacy, as we approached the place where we had spent so many
happy days together; but when we arrived at the house, I could
not recognize any one of those objects, which had been so deeply
impressed upon my remembrance -- The tall oaks that shaded the
avenue, had been cut down, and the iron gates at the end of it
removed, together with the high wall that surrounded the court
yard. The house itself, which was formerly a convent of
Cistercian monks, had a venerable appearance: and along the front
that looked into the garden, was a stone gallery, which afforded
me many an agreeable walk, when I was disposed to be
contemplative. Now the old front is covered with a screen of
modern architecture; so that all without is Grecian, and all
within Gothic. As for the garden, which was well stocked with the
best fruit which England could produce, there is not now the
least vestage remaining of trees, walls, or hedges -- Nothing
appears but a naked circus of loose sand, with a dry bason and a
leaden triton in the middle.

You must know, that Baynard, at his father's death, had a clear
estate of fifteen hundred pounds a-year, and was in other
respects extremely well qualified to make a respectable figure in
the commonwealth; but, what with some excesses of youth, and the
expence of a contested election, he in a few years found himself
encumbered with a debt of ten thousand pounds, which he resolved
to discharge by means of a prudent marriage. He accordingly
married a miss Thomson, whose fortune amounted to double the sum
that he owed -- She was the daughter of a citizen, who had failed
in trade; but her fortune came by an uncle, who died in the East-Indies
-- Her own parents being dead, she lived with a maiden aunt,
who had superintended her education; and, in all appearance, was
well enough qualified for the usual purposes of the married
state -- Her virtues, however, stood rather upon a negative, than a
positive foundation -- She was neither proud, insolent, nor
capricious, nor given to scandal, nor addicted to gaming, nor
inclined to gallantry. She could read, and write, and dance, and
sing, and play upon the harpsichord, and smatter French, and take
a hand at whist and ombre; but even these accomplishments she
possessed by halves -- She excelled in nothing. Her conversation
was flat, her stile mean, and her expression embarrassed -- In a
word, her character was totally insipid. Her person was not
disagreeable; but there was nothing graceful in her address, nor
engaging in her manners; and she was so ill qualified to do the
honours of the house, that when she sat at the head of the table,
one was always looking for the mistress of the family in some
other place.

Baynard had flattered himself, that it would be no difficult
matter to mould such a subject after his own fashion, and that
she would chearfully enter into his views, which were wholly
turned to domestic happiness. He proposed to reside always in the
country, of which he was fond to a degree of enthusiasm; to
cultivate his estate, which was very improvable; to enjoy the
exercise of rural diversions; to maintain an intimacy of
correspondence with some friends that were settled in his
neighbourhood; to keep a comfortable house, without suffering his
expence to exceed the limits of his income; and to find pleasure
and employ merit for his wife in the management and avocations
of her own family -- This, however, was a visionary scheme, which
he never was able to realize. His wife was as ignorant as a new-born
babe of everything that related to the conduct of a family;
and she had no idea of a country-life. Her understanding did not
reach so far as to comprehend the first principles of discretion;
and, indeed, if her capacity had been better than it was, her
natural indolence would not have permitted her to abandon a
certain routine, to which she had been habituated. She had not
taste enough to relish any rational enjoyment; but her ruling
passion was vanity, not that species which arises from self-conceit
of superior accomplishments, but that which is of a
bastard and idiot nature, excited by shew and ostentation, which
implies not even the least consciousness of any personal merit.

The nuptial peal of noise and nonsense being rung out in all the
usual changes, Mr Baynard thought it high time to make her
acquainted with the particulars of the plan which he had
projected -- He told her that his fortune, though sufficient to
afford all the comforts of life, was not ample enough to command
all the superfluities of pomp and pageantry, which, indeed, were
equally absurd and intolerable -- He therefore hoped she would have
no objection to their leaving London in the spring, when he would
take the opportunity to dismiss some unnecessary domestics, whom
he had hired for the occasion of their marriage -- She heard him in
silence, and after some pause, 'So (said she) I am to be buried
in the country!' He was so confounded at this reply, that he
could not speak for some minutes: at length he told her, he was
much mortified to find he had proposed anything that was
disagreeable to her ideas -- 'I am sure (added he) I meant nothing
more than to lay down a comfortable plan of living within the
bounds of our fortune, which is but moderate.' 'Sir (said she),
you are the best judge of your own affairs -- My fortune, I know,
does not exceed twenty thousand pounds -- Yet, even with that
pittance, I might have had a husband who would not have begrudged
me a house in London' -- 'Good God! my dear (cried poor Baynard, in
the utmost agitation), you don't think me so sordid -- I only
hinted what I thought -- But, I don't pretend to impose --' 'Yes,
sir (resumed the lady), it is your prerogative to command, and my
duty to obey' So saying, she burst into tears and retired to her
chamber, where she was joined by her aunt -- He endeavoured to
recollect himself, and act with vigour of mind on this occasion;
but was betrayed by the tenderness of his nature, which was the
greatest defect of his constitution. He found the aunt in tears,
and the niece in a fit, which held her the best part of eight
hours, at the expiration of which, she began to talk incoherently
about death and her dear husband, who had sat by her all this
time, and now pressed her hand to his lips, in a transport of
grief and penitence for the offence he had given -- From thence
forward, he carefully avoided mentioning the country; and they
continued to be sucked deeper and deeper into the vortex of
extravagance and dissipation, leading what is called a
fashionable life in town -- About the latter end of July, however,
Mrs Baynard, in order to exhibit a proof of conjugal obedience,
desired of her own accord, that they might pay a visit to his
country house, as there was no company left in London. He would
have excused himself from this excursion which was no part of the
oeconomical plan he had proposed; but she insisted upon making
this sacrifice to his taste and prejudices, and away they went
with such an equipage as astonished the whole country. All that
remained of the season was engrossed by receiving and returning
visits in the neighbourhood; and, in this intercourse it was
discovered that sir John Chickwell had a house-steward and one
footman in livery more than the complement of Mr Baynard's
household. This remark was made by the aunt at table, and
assented to by the husband, who observed that sir John Chickwell
might very well afford to keep more servants than were found in
the family of a man who had not half his fortune. Mrs Baynard ate
no supper that evening; but was seized with a violent fit, which
completed her triumph over the spirit of her consort. The two
supernumerary servants were added -- The family plate was sold for
old silver, and a new service procured; fashionable furniture was
provided, and the whole house turned topsy turvy.

At their return to London in the beginning of winter, he, with a
heavy heart, communicated these particulars to me in confidence.
Before his marriage, he had introduced me to the lady as his
particular friend; and I now offered in that character, to lay
before her the necessity of reforming her oeconomy, if she had
any regard to the interest of her own family, or complaisance for
the inclinations of her husband -- But Baynard declined my offer,
on the supposition that his wife's nerves were too delicate to
bear expostulation; and that it would only serve to overwhelm her
with such distress as would make himself miserable.

Baynard is a man of spirit, and had she proved a termagant, he
would have known how to deal with her; but, either by accident or
instinct, she fastened upon the weak side of his soul, and held
it so fast, that he has been in subjection ever since -- I
afterwards advised him to carry her abroad to France or Italy,
where he might gratify her vanity for half the expence it cost
him in England: and this advice he followed accordingly. She was
agreeably flattered with the idea of seeing and knowing foreign
parts, and foreign fashions; of being presented to sovereigns,
and living familiarly with princes. She forthwith seized the
hint which I had thrown
out on purpose, and even pressed Mr Baynard to hasten his
departure; so that in a few weeks they crossed the sea to France,
with a moderate train, still including the aunt; who was her
bosom counsellor, and abetted her in all her oppositions to her
husband's will-- Since that period, I have had little or no
opportunity to renew our former correspondence -- All that I knew
of his transactions, amounted to no more than that after an
absence of two years, they returned so little improved in
oeconomy, that they launched out into new oceans of extravagance,
which at length obliged him to mortgage his estate -- By this time
she had bore him three children, of which the last only survives,
a puny boy of twelve or thirteen, who will be ruined in his
education by the indulgence of his mother.

As for Baynard, neither his own good sense, nor the dread of
indigence, nor the consideration of his children, has been of
force sufficient to stimulate him into the resolution of breaking
at once the shameful spell by which he seems enchanted -- With a
taste capable of the most refined enjoyment, a heart glowing with
all the warmth of friendship and humanity, and a disposition
strongly turned to the more rational pleasures of a retired and
country life, he is hurried about in a perpetual tumult, amidst a
mob of beings pleased with rattles, baubles, and gewgaws, so void
of sense and distinction, that even the most acute philosopher
would find it a very hard task to discover for what wise purpose
of providence they were created -- Friendship is not to be found;
nor can the amusements for which he sighs be enjoyed within the
rotation of absurdity, to which he is doomed for life. He has
long resigned all views of improving his fortune by management
and attention to the exercise of husbandry, in which he
delighted; and as to domestic happiness, not the least glimpse of
hope remains to amuse his imagination. Thus blasted in all his
prospects, he could not fail to be overwhelmed with melancholy
and chagrin, which have preyed upon his health and spirits in
such a manner, that he is now threatened with a consumption.

I have given you a sketch of the man, whom the other day I went
to visit -- At the gate we found a great number of powdered
lacquies, but no civility -- After we had sat a considerable time
in the coach, we were told, that Mr Baynard had rode out, and
that his lady was dressing; but we were introduced to a parlour,
so very fine and delicate, that in all appearance it was designed
to be seen only, not inhabited. The chairs and couches were
carved, gilt, and covered with rich damask, so smooth and slick,
that they looked as if they had never been sat upon. There was no
carpet upon the floor, but the boards were rubbed and waxed in
such a manner, that we could not walk, but were obliged to slide
along them; and as for the stove, it was too bright and polished
to be polluted with sea-coal, or stained by the smoke of any
gross material fire -- When we had remained above half an hour
sacrificing to the inhospitable powers in the temple of cold
reception, my friend Baynard arrived, and understanding we were
in the house, made his appearance, so meagre, yellow, and
dejected, that I really should not have known him, had I met with
him in any other place. Running up to me, with great eagerness, he
strained me in his embrace, and his heart was so full, that for
some minutes he could not speak. Having saluted us all round, he
perceived our uncomfortable situation, and conducting us into
another apartment, which had fire in the chimney, called for
chocolate -- Then, withdrawing, he returned with a compliment from
his wife, and, in the mean time, presented his son Harry, a
shambling, blear-eyed boy, in the habit of a hussar; very rude,
forward, and impertinent. His father would have sent him to a
boarding-school, but his mamma and aunt would not hear of his
lying out of the house; so that there was a clergyman engaged as
his tutor in the family.

As it was but just turned of twelve, and the whole house was in
commotion to prepare a formal entertainment, I foresaw it would
be late before we dined, and proposed a walk to Mr Baynard, that
we might converse together freely. In the course of this
perambulation, when I expressed some surprize that he had
returned so soon from Italy, he gave me to understand, that his
going abroad had not at all answered the purpose, for which he
left England; that although the expence of living was not so
great in Italy as at home, respect being had to the same rank of
life in both countries, it had been found necessary for him to
lift himself above his usual stile, that he might be on some
footing with the counts, marquises, and cavaliers, with whom he
kept company -- He was obliged to hire a great number of servants,
to take off a great variety of rich cloaths, and to keep a
sumptuous table for the fashionable scorocconi of the country;
who, without a consideration of this kind, would not have payed
any attention to an untitled foreigner, let his family or fortune
be ever so respectable -- Besides, Mrs Baynard was continually
surrounded by a train of expensive loungers, under the
denominations of language-masters, musicians, painters, and
ciceroni; and had actually fallen into the disease of buying
pictures and antiques upon her own judgment, which was far from
being infallible -- At length she met with an affront, which gave
her disgust to Italy, and drove her back to England with some
precipitation. By means of frequenting the dutchess of
B[edford]'s conversazione, while her grace was at Rome, Mrs
Baynard became acquainted with all the fashionable people of that
city, and was admitted to their assemblies without scruple -- Thus
favoured, she conceived too great an idea of her own importance,
and when the dutchess left Rome, resolved to have a conversazione
that should leave the Romans no room to regret her grace's
departure. She provided hands for a musical entertainment, and
sent biglietti of invitation to every person of distinction; but
not one Roman of the female sex appeared at her assembly -- She was
that night seized with a violent fit, and kept her bed three
days, at the expiration of which she declared that the air of
Italy would be the ruin of her constitution. In order to prevent
this catastrophe, she was speedily removed to Geneva, from whence
they returned to England by the way of Lyons and Paris. By the
time they arrived at Calais, she had purchased such a quantity of
silks, stuffs, and laces, that it was necessary to hire a vessel
to smuggle them over, and this vessel was taken by a custom-house
cutter; so that they lost the whole cargo, which had cost them
above eight hundred pounds.

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33