The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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It now appears, that her travels had produced no effect upon her,
but that of making her more expensive and fantastic than ever:
She affected to lead the fashion, not only in point of female
dress, but in every article of taste and connoisseurship. She
made a drawing of the new facade to the house in the country; she
pulled up the trees, and pulled down the walls of the garden, so
as to let in the easterly wind, which Mr Baynard's ancestors had
been at great pains to exclude. To shew her taste in laying out
ground, she seized into her own hand a farm of two hundred acres,
about a mile from the house, which she parcelled out into walks
and shrubberies, having a great bason in the middle, into which
she poured a whole stream that turned two mills, and afforded the
best trout in the country. The bottom of the bason, however, was
so ill secured, that it would not hold the water which strained
through the earth, and made a bog of the whole plantation: in a
word, the ground which formerly payed him one hundred and fifty
pounds a year, now cost him two hundred pounds a year to keep it
in tolerable order, over and above the first expence of trees,
shrubs, flowers, turf, and gravel. There was not an inch of
garden ground left about the house, nor a tree that produced
fruit of any kind; nor did he raise a truss of hay, or a bushel
of oats for his horses, nor had he a single cow to afford milk
for his tea; far less did he ever dream of feeding his own
mutton, pigs, and poultry: every article of housekeeping, even
the most inconsiderable, was brought from the next market town,
at the distance of five miles, and thither they sent a courier
every morning to fetch hot rolls for breakfast. In short, Baynard
fairly owned that he spent double his income, and that in a few
years he should be obliged to sell his estate for the payment of
his creditors. He said that his wife had such delicate nerves,
and such imbecility of spirit, that she could neither bear
remonstrance, be it ever so gentle, nor practise any scheme of
retrenchment, even if she perceived the necessity of such a
measure. He had therefore ceased struggling against the stream,
and endeavoured to reconcile himself to ruin, by reflecting that
his child at least would inherit his mother's fortune, which was
secured to him by the contract of marriage.

The detail which he gave me of his affairs, filled me at once
with grief and indignation. I inveighed bitterly against the
indiscretion of his wife, and reproached him with his unmanly
acquiescence under the absurd tyranny which she exerted. I
exhorted him to recollect his resolution, and make one effectual
effort to disengage himself from a thraldom, equally shameful and
pernicious. I offered him all the assistance in my power. I
undertook to regulate his affairs, and even to bring about a
reformation in his family, if he would only authorise me to
execute the plan I should form for his advantage. I was so
affected by the subject, that I could not help mingling tears
with my remonstrances, and Baynard was so penetrated with these
marks of my affection, that he lost all power of utterance. He
pressed me to his breast with great emotion, and wept in silence.
At length he exclaimed, 'Friendship is undoubtedly the most
precious balm of life! Your words, dear Bramble, have in a great
measure recalled me from an abyss of despondence, in which I have
been long overwhelmed. I will, upon honour, make you acquainted
with a distinct state of my affairs, and, as far as I am able to
go, will follow the course you prescribe. But there are certain
lengths which my nature -- The truth is, there are tender
connexions, of which a batchelor has no idea -- Shall I own my
weakness? I cannot bear the thoughts of making that woman
uneasy' -- 'And yet (cried I), she has seen you unhappy for a
series of years -- unhappy from her misconduct, without ever
shewing the least inclination to alleviate your distress' --
'Nevertheless (said he) I am persuaded she loves me with the most
warm affection; but these are incongruities in the composition of
the human mind which I hold to be inexplicable.'

I was shocked at his infatuation, and changed the subject, after
we had agreed to maintain a close correspondence for the future.
He then gave me to understand, that he had two neighbours, who,
like himself, were driven by their wives at full speed, in the
high road to bankruptcy and ruin. All the three husbands were of
dispositions very different from each other, and, according to
this variation, their consorts were admirably suited to the
purpose of keeping them all three in subjection. The views of the
ladies were exactly the same. They vied in grandeur, that is, in
ostentation, with the wife of Sir Charles Chickwell, who had four
times their fortune; and she again piqued herself upon making an
equal figure with a neighbouring peeress, whose revenue trebled
her own. Here then was the fable of the frog and the ox, realized
in four different instances within the same county: one large
fortune, and three moderate estates, in a fair way of being burst
by the inflation of female vanity; and in three of these
instances, three different forms of female tyranny were
exercised. Mr Baynard was subjugated by practising upon the
tenderness of his nature. Mr Milksan, being of a timorous
disposition, truckled to the insolence of a termagant. Mr
Sowerby, who was of a temper neither to be moved by fits, nor
driven by menaces, had the fortune to be fitted with a helpmate,
who assailed him with the weapons of irony and satire; sometimes
sneering in the way of compliment; sometimes throwing out
sarcastic comparisons, implying reproaches upon his want of
taste, spirit, and generosity: by which means she stimulated his
passions from one act of extravagance to another, just as the
circumstances of her vanity required.

All these three ladies have at this time the same number of
horses, carriages, and servants in and out of livery; the same
variety of dress; the same quantity of plate and china; the like
ornaments in furniture: and in their entertainments they
endeavour to exceed one another in the variety, delicacy, and
expence of their dishes. I believe it will be found upon enquiry,
that nineteen out of twenty, who are ruined by extravagance, fall
a sacrifice to the ridiculous pride and vanity of silly women,
whose parts are held in contempt by the very men whom they
pillage and enslave. Thank heaven, Dick, that among all the
follies and weaknesses of human nature, I have not yet fallen
into that of matrimony.

After Baynard and I had discussed all these matters at leisure,
we returned towards the house, and met Jery with our two women,
who had come forth to take the air, as the lady of the mansion
had not yet made her appearance. In short, Mrs Baynard did not
produce herself, till about a quarter of an hour before dinner
was upon the table. Then her husband brought her into the
parlour, accompanied by her aunt and son, and she received us
with a coldness of reserve sufficient to freeze the very soul of
hospitality. Though she knew I had been the intimate friend of
her husband, and had often seen me with him in London, she shewed
no marks of recognition or regard, when I addressed myself to her
in the most friendly terms of salutation. She did not even
express the common compliment of, I am glad to see you; or, I
hope you have enjoyed your health since we had the pleasure of
seeing you; or some such words of course: nor did she once open
her mouth in the way of welcome to my sister and my niece: but
sat in silence like a statue, with an aspect of insensibility.
Her aunt, the model upon which she had been formed, was indeed
the very essence of insipid formality but the boy was very pert
and impudent, and prated without ceasing.

At dinner, the lady maintained the same ungracious indifference,
never speaking but in whispers to her aunt; and as to the repast,
it was made up of a parcel of kickshaws, contrived by a French
cook, without one substantial article adapted to the satisfaction
of an English appetite. The pottage was little better than bread
soaked in dishwashings, lukewarm. The ragouts looked as if they
had been once eaten and half digested: the fricassees were
involved in a nasty yellow poultice: and the rotis were scorched
and stinking, for the honour of the fumet. The desert consisted
of faded fruit and iced froth, a good emblem of our landlady's
character; the table-beer was sour, the water foul, and the wine
vapid; but there was a parade of plate and china, and a powdered
lacquey stood behind every chair, except those of the master and
mistress of the house, who were served by two valets dressed like
gentlemen. We dined in a large old Gothic parlour, which was
formerly the hall. It was now paved with marble, and,
notwithstanding the fire which had been kindled about an hour,
struck me with such a chill sensation, that when I entered it the
teeth chattered in my jaws -- In short, every thing was cold,
comfortless, and disgusting, except the looks of my friend
Baynard, which declared the warmth of his affection and humanity.

After dinner we withdrew into another apartment, where the boy
began to be impertinently troublesome to my niece Liddy. He
wanted a playfellow, forsooth; and would have romped with her,
had she encouraged his advances -- He was even so impudent as to
snatch a kiss, at which she changed countenance, and seemed
uneasy; and though his father checked him for the rudeness of his
behaviour, he became so outrageous as to thrust his hand in her
bosom: an insult to which she did not tamely submit, though one
of the mildest creatures upon earth. Her eyes sparkling with
resentment, she started up, and lent him such a box in the ear,
as sent him staggering to the other side of the room.

'Miss Melford (cried his father), you have treated him with the
utmost propriety -- I am only sorry that the impertinence of any
child of mine should have occasioned this exertion of your spirit,
which I cannot but applaud and admire.' His wife was so far
from assenting to the candour of his apology, that she rose from
the table, and, taking her son by the hand, 'Come, child (said
she), your father cannot abide you.' So saying, she retired with
this hopeful youth, and was followed by her gouvernante: but
neither the one nor the other deigned to take the least notice of
the company.

Baynard was exceedingly disconcerted; but I perceived his
uneasiness was tinctured with resentment, and derived a good omen
from this discovery. I ordered the horses to be put to the
carriage, and, though he made some efforts to detain us all
night, I insisted upon leaving the house immediately; but, before
I went away, I took an opportunity of speaking to him again in
private. I said every thing I could recollect, to animate his
endeavours in shaking off those shameful trammels. I made no
scruple to declare, that his wife was unworthy of that tender
complaisance which he had shewn for her foibles: that she was
dead to all the genuine sentiments of conjugal affection;
insensible of her own honour and interest, and seemingly
destitute of common sense and reflection. I conjured him to
remember what he owed to his father's house, to his own
reputation, and to his family, including even this unreasonable
woman herself, who was driving on blindly to her own destruction.
I advised him to form a plan for retrenching superfluous expence,
and try to convince the aunt of the necessity for such a
reformation, that she might gradually prepare her niece for its
execution; and I exhorted him to turn that disagreeable piece of
formality out of the house, if he should find her averse to his
proposal.

Here he interrupted me with a sigh, observing that such a step
would undoubtedly be fatal to Mrs Baynard -- 'I shall lose all
patience (cried I), to hear you talk so weakly -- Mrs Baynard's
fits will never hurt her constitution. I believe in my conscience
they are all affected: I am sure she has no feeling for your
distresses; and, when you are ruined, she will appear to have no
feeling for her own.' Finally, I took his word and honour that he
would make an effort, such as I had advised; that he would form a
plan of oeconomy, and, if he found it impracticable without my
assistance, he would come to Bath in the winter, where I promised
to give him the meeting, and contribute all in my power to the
retrieval of his affairs -- With this mutual engagement we parted;
and I shall think myself supremely happy, if, by my means, a
worthy man, whom I love and esteem, can be saved from misery,
disgrace, and despair.

I have only one friend more to visit in this part of the country,
but he is of a complexion very different from that of Baynard.
You have heard me mention Sir Thomas Bullford, whom I knew in
Italy. He is now become a country gentleman; but, being disabled
by the gout from enjoying any amusement abroad, he entertains
himself within doors, by keeping open house for all corners, and
playing upon the oddities and humours of his company: but he
himself is generally the greatest original at his table. He is
very good-humoured, talks much, and laughs without ceasing. I am
told that all the use he makes of his understanding at present,
is to excite mirth, by exhibiting his guests in ludicrous
attitudes. I know not how far we may furnish him with
entertainment of this kind, but I am resolved to beat up his
quarters, partly with a view to laugh with the knight himself,
and partly to pay my respects to his lady, a good-natured
sensible woman, with whom he lives upon very easy terms, although
she has not had the good fortune to bring him an heir to his
estate.

And now, dear Dick, I must tell you for your comfort, that you
are the only man upon earth to whom I would presume to send such
a longwinded epistle, which I could not find in my heart to
curtail, because the subject interested the warmest passions of
my heart; neither will I make any other apology to a
correspondent who has been so long accustomed to the impertinence
of

MATT. BRAMBLE
Sept. 30.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. at Oxon.

DEAR KNIGHT,

I believe there is something mischievous in my disposition, for
nothing diverts me so much as to see certain characters tormented
with false terrors. -- We last night lodged at the house of Sir
Thomas Bullford, an old friend of my uncle, a jolly fellow, of
moderate intellects, who, in spite of the gout, which hath lamed
him, is resolved to be merry to the last; and mirth he has a
particular knack in extracting from his guests, let their humour
be ever so caustic or refractory. -- Besides our company, there was
in the house a fat-headed justice of the peace, called Frogmore,
and a country practitioner in surgery, who seemed to be our
landlord's chief companion and confidant. -- We found the knight
sitting on a couch, with his crutches by his side, and his feet
supported on cushions; but he received us with a hearty welcome,
and seemed greatly rejoiced at our arrival. -- After tea, we were
entertained with a sonata on the harpsichord by lady Bullford,
who sung and played to admiration; but Sir Thomas seemed to be a
little asinine in the article of ears, though he affected to be
in raptures, and begged his wife to favour us with an arietta of
her own composing. -- This arietta, however, she no sooner began to
perform, than he and the justice fell asleep; but the moment she
ceased playing, the knight waked snorting, and exclaimed, 'O
cara! what d'ye think, gentlemen? Will you talk any more of your
Pargolesi and your Corelli?' -- At the same time, he thrust his
tongue in one cheek, and leered with one eye at the doctor and
me, who sat on his left hand. He concluded the pantomime with a
loud laugh, which he could command at all times extempore. --
Notwithstanding his disorder, he did not do penance at supper,
nor did he ever refuse his glass when the toast went round, but
rather encouraged a quick circulation, both by precept and
example.

I soon perceived the doctor had made himself very necessary to
the baronet. -- He was the whetstone of his wit, the butt of his
satire, and his operator in certain experiments of humour, which
were occasionally tried upon strangers. -- Justice Frogmore was an
excellent subject for this species of philosophy; sleek and
corpulent, solemn, and shallow, he had studied Burn with
uncommon application, but he studied nothing so much as the art
of living (that is, eating) well -- This fat buck had often
afforded good sport to our landlord; and he was frequently
started with tolerable success, in the course of this evening;
but the baronet's appetite for ridicule seemed to be chiefly
excited by the appearance, address, and conversation of
Lismahago, whom he attempted in all different modes of
exposition; but he put me in mind of a contest that I once saw
betwixt a young hound and an old hedge-hog -- The dog turned him
over and over, and bounced and barked, and mumbled; but as often
as he attempted to bite, he felt a prickle in his jaws, and
recoiled in manifest confusion; -- The captain, when left to
himself, will not fail to turn his ludicrous side to the company,
but if any man attempts to force him into that attitude, he
becomes stubborn as a mule, and unmanageable as an elephant
unbroke.

Divers tolerable jokes were cracked upon the justice, who eat a
most unconscionable supper, and, among other things, a large
plate of broiled mushrooms, which he had no sooner swallowed than
the doctor observed, with great gravity, that they were of the
kind called champignons, which in some constitutions has a
poisonous effect. -- Mr Frogmore startled at this remark, asked, in
some confusion, why he had not been so kind as to give him that
notice sooner. -- He answered, that he took it for granted, by his
eating them so heartily, that he was used to the dish; but as he
seemed to be under some apprehension, he prescribed a bumper of
plague water, which the justice drank off immediately, and
retired to rest, not without marks of terror and disquiet.

At midnight we were shewn to our different chambers, and in half
an hour, I was fast asleep in bed; but about three o'clock in the
morning I was waked with a dismal cry of Fire! and starting up,
ran to the window in my shirt. -- The night was dark and stormy;
and a number of people half-dressed ran backwards and forwards
thro' the court-yard, with links and lanthorns, seemingly in the
utmost hurry and trepidation. -- Slipping on my cloaths in a
twinkling, I ran down stairs, and, upon enquiry, found the fire
was confined to a back-stair, which led to a detached apartment
where Lismahago lay. -- By this time, the lieutenant was alarmed by
bawling at his window, which was in the second story, but he
could not find his cloaths in the dark, and his room-door was
locked on the outside. -- The servants called to him, that the
house had been robbed; that, without all doubt, the villains had
taken away his cloaths, fastened the door, and set the house on
fire, for the stair-case was in flames. -- In this dilemma the poor
lieutenant ran about the room naked like a squirrel in a cage,
popping out his bead at the window between whiles, and imploring
assistance. -- At length, the knight in person was brought out in
his chair, attended by my uncle and all the family, including our
aunt Tabitha, who screamed, and cried, and tore her hair, as if
she had been distracted -- Sir Thomas had already ordered his
people to bring a long ladder which was applied to the captain's,
window, and now he exhorted him earnestly to descend. -- There was
no need of much rhetoric to persuade Lismahago, who forthwith
made his exit by the window, roaring all the time to the people
below to hold fast the ladder.

Notwithstanding the gravity of the occasion, it was impossible to
behold this scene without being seized with an inclination to
laugh. The rueful aspect of the lieutenant in his shirt, with a
quilted night-cap fastened under his chin, and his long lank
limbs and posteriors exposed to the wind, made a very picturesque
appearance, when illumined by the links and torches which the
servants held up to light him in his descent. -- All the company
stood round the ladder, except the knight, who sat in his chair,
exclaiming from time to time, 'Lord, have mercy upon us! -- save
the gentleman's life! -- mind your footing, dear captain! softly! --
stand fast! -- clasp the ladder with both hands! -- there! -- well
done, my dear boy! -- O bravo! -- an old soldier for ever! -- bring a
blanket bring a warm blanket to comfort his poor carcase -- warm
the bed in the green room -- give me your hand, dear captain -- I'm
rejoiced to see thee safe and sound with all my heart.' Lismahago
was received at the foot of the ladder by his inamorata, who
snatching a blanket from one of the maids, wrapped it about his
body; two men-servants took him under the arms, and a female
conducted him to the green room, still accompanied by Mrs
Tabitha, who saw him fairly put to bed. -- During this whole
transaction he spoke not a syllable, but looked exceeding grim,
sometimes at one, sometimes at another of the spectators, who now
adjourned in a body to the parlour where we had supped, every one
surveying another with marks of astonishment and curiosity.

The knight being seated in an easy chair, seized my uncle by the
hand, and bursting into a long and loud laugh, 'Matt (cried he),
crown me with oak, or ivy, or laurel, or parsely, or what you
will, and acknowledge this to be a coup de maitre in the way of
waggery -- ha, ha, ha! -- Such a camisciata, scagliata, beffata! O,
che roba! O, what a subject! -- O, what caricatura! -- O, for a Rosa,
a Rembrandt, a Schalken! -- Zooks, I'll give a hundred guineas to
have it painted! -- what a fine descent from the cross, or ascent
to the gallows! what lights and shadows! -- what a groupe below!
what expression above! -- what an aspect! -- did you mind the aspect?
ha, ha, ha! -- and the limbs, and the muscles every toe denoted
terror! ha, ha, ha! -- then the blanket! O, what costume! St
Andrew! St Lazarus! St Barrabas! -- ha, ha, ha!' 'After all then
(cried Mr Bramble very gravely), this was no more than a false
alarm. -- We have been frightened out of our beds, and almost out
of our senses, for the joke's sake.' 'Ay, and such a joke! (cried
our landlord) such a farce! such a denouement! such a
catastrophe!'

'Have a little patience (replied our 'squire); we are not yet
come to the catastrophe; and pray God it may not turn out a
tragedy instead of a farce. -- The captain is one of those
saturnine subjects, who have no idea of humour. -- He never laughs
in his own person; nor can he bear that other people should laugh
at his expence. Besides, if the subject had been properly chosen,
the joke was too severe in all conscience.' ''Sdeath! (cried the
knight) I could not have bated him an ace had he been my own
father; and as for the subject, such another does not present
itself once in half a century.' Here Mrs Tabitha interposing, and
bridling up, declared, she did not see that Mr Lismahago was a
fitter subject for ridicule than the knight himself; and that she
was very much afraid, he would very soon find he had mistaken his
man. -- The baronet was a good deal disconcerted by his intimation,
saying, that he must be a Goth and a barbarian, if he did not
enter into the spirit of such a happy and humourous contrivance. --
He begged, however, that Mr Bramble and his sister would bring
him to reason; and this request was reinforced by lady Bullford,
who did not fail to read the baronet a lecture upon his
indiscretion, which lecture he received with submission on one
side of his face, and a leer upon the other.

We now went to bed for the second time; and before I got up, my
uncle had visited Lismahago in the green room, and used such
arguments with him, that when we met in the parlour he seemed to
be quite appeased. He received the knight's apology with good
grace, and even professed himself pleased at finding he had
contributed to the diversion of the company. -- Sir Thomas shook
him by the hand, laughing heartily; and then desired a pinch of
snuff, in token of perfect reconciliation -- The lieutenant,
putting his hand in his waistcoat pocket, pulled out, instead of
his own Scotch mull, a very fine gold snuff-box, which he no
sooner perceived than he said, 'Here is a small mistake.' 'No
mistake at all (cried the baronet): a fair exchange is no
robbery. -- Oblige me so far, captain, as to let me keep your mull
as a memorial.' 'Sir (said the lieutenant), the mull is much at
your service; but this machine I can by no means retain. -- It
looks like compounding a sort of felony in the code of honour.
Besides, I don't know but there may be another joke in this
conveyance; and I don't find myself disposed to be brought upon
the stage again. -- I won't presume to make free with your pockets,
but I beg you will put it up again with your own hand.' So
saying, with a certain austerity of aspect, he presented the
snuffbox to the knight, who received it in some confusion, and
restored the mull, which he would by no means keep except on the
terms of exchange.

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