The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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This transaction was like to give a grave cast to the
conversation, when my uncle took notice that Mr Justice Frogmore
had not made his appearance either at the night-alarm, or now at
the general rendezvous. The baronet hearing Frogmore mentioned,
'Odso! (cried he) I had forgot the justice. -- Pr'ythee, doctor, go
and bring him out of his kennel.' Then laughing till his sides
were well shaken, he said he would shew the captain, that he was
not the only person of the drama exhibited for the entertainment
of the company. As to the night-scene, it could not affect the
justice, who had been purposely lodged in the farther end of the
house, remote from the noise, and lulled with a dose of opium
into the bargain. In a few minutes, Mr Justice was led into the
parlour in his nightcap and loose morning-gown, rolling his head
from side to side, and groaning piteously all the way. -- 'Jesu!
neighbour Frogmore (exclaimed the baronet), what is the matter? --
you look as if you was not a man for this world. -- Set him down
softly on the couch -- poor gentlemen! -- Lord have mercy upon us! --
What makes him so pale, and yellow, and bloated?' 'Oh, Sir
Thomas! (cried the justice) I doubt 'tis all over with me --
Those mushrooms I eat at your table have done my business -- ah!
oh! hey!' 'Now the Lord forbid! (said the other) -- what! man, have
a good heart -- How does thy stomach feel? -- hall?'

To this interrogation he made no reply; but throwing aside his
nightgown, discovered that his waist-coat would not meet upon his
belly by five good inches at least. 'Heaven protect us all!
(cried Sir Thomas) what a melancholy spectacle! -- never did I see
a man so suddenly swelled, but when he was either just dead, or
just dying. -- Doctor, can'st thou do nothing for this poor
object?' 'I don't think the case is quite desperate (said the
surgeon), but I would advise Mr Frogmore to settle his affairs
with all expedition; the parson may come and pray by him, while I
prepare a glyster and an emetic draught.' The justice, rolling
his languid eyes, ejaculated with great fervency, 'Lord, have
mercy upon us! Christ, have mercy upon us!' -- Then he begged the
surgeon, in the name of God, to dispatch -- 'As for my worldly
affairs (said he), they are all settled but one mortgage, which
must be left to my heirs -- but my poor soul! my poor soul! what
will become of my poor soul? miserable sinner that I am!' 'Nay,
pr'ythee, my dear boy, compose thyself (resumed the knight);
consider the mercy of heaven is infinite; thou can'st not have
any sins of a very deep dye on thy conscience, or the devil's
in't.' 'Name not the devil (exclaimed the terrified Frogmore), I
have more sins to answer for than the world dreams of. -- Ah!
friend, I have been sly -- sly damn'd sly! -- Send for the parson
without loss of time, and put me to bed, for I am posting to
eternity.' -- He was accordingly raised from the couch, and
supported by two servants, who led him back to his room; but
before he quitted the parlour, he intreated the good company to
assist him with their prayers. -- He added, 'Take warning by me,
who am suddenly cut off in my prime, like a flower of the field;
and God forgive you, Sir Thomas, for suffering such poisonous
trash to be eaten at your table.'

He was no sooner removed out of hearing, than the baronet
abandoned himself to a violent fit of laughing, in which he was
joined by the greatest part of the company; but we could hardly
prevent the good lady from going to undeceive the patient, by
discovering, that while he slept his waistcoat had been
straitened by the contrivance of the surgeon; and that the
disorder in his stomach and bowels was occasioned by some
antimonial wine, which he had taken over night, under the
denomination of plague-water. She seemed to think that his
apprehension might put an end to his life: the knight swore he
was no such chicken, but a tough old rogue, that would live long
enough to plague all his neighbours. -- Upon enquiry, we found his
character did not intitle him to much compassion or respect, and
therefore we let our landlord's humour take its course. -- A
glyster was actually administered by an old woman of the family,
who had been Sir Thomas's nurse, and the patient took a draught
made with oxymel of squills to forward the operation of the
antimonial wine, which had been retarded by the opiate of the
preceding night. He was visited by the vicar, who read prayers,
and began to take an account of the state of his soul, when those
medicines produced their effect; so that the parson was obliged
to hold his nose while he poured forth spiritual consolation from
his mouth. The same expedient was used by the knight and me, who,
with the doctor, entered the chamber at this juncture, and found
Frogmore enthroned on an easing-chair, under the pressure of a
double evacuation. The short intervals betwixt every heave he
employed in crying for mercy, confessing his sins, or asking the
vicar's opinion of his case; and the vicar answered, in a solemn
snuffling tone, that heightened the ridicule of the scene. The
emetic having done its office, the doctor interfered, and ordered
the patient to be put in bed again. When he examined the egesta,
and felt his pulse, he declared that much of the virus was
discharged, and, giving him a composing draught, assured him he
had good hopes of his recovery. -- This welcome hint he received
with the tears of joy in his eyes, protesting, that if he should
recover, he would always think himself indebted for his life to
the great skill and tenderness of his doctor, whose hand he
squeezed with great fervour; and thus he was left to his repose.

We were pressed to stay dinner, that we might be witnesses of his
resuscitation; but my uncle insisted upon our departing before
noon, that we might reach this town before it should be dark. -- In
the mean-time, lady Bullford conducted us into the garden to see
a fishpond just finished, which Mr Bramble censured as being too
near the parlour, where the knight now sat by himself, dozing in
an elbow-chair after the fatigues of his morning atchievement. --
In this situation he reclined, with his feet wrapped in flannel,
and supported in a line with his body, when the door flying open
with a violent shock, lieutenant Lismahago rushed into the room
with horror in his looks, exclaiming, 'A mad dog! a mad dog!' and
throwing up the window sash, leaped into the garden -- Sir Thomas,
waked by this tremendous exclamation, started up, and forgetting
his gout, followed the lieutenant's example by a kind of
instinctive impulse. He not only bolted thro' the window like an
arrow from a bow, but ran up to his middle in the pond before he
gave the least sign of recollection. Then the captain began to
bawl, 'Lord have mercy upon us! -- pray, take care of the
gentleman! -- for God's sake, mind your footing, my dear boy! -- get
warm blankets -- comfort his poor carcase -- warm the bed in the
green room.'

Lady Bullford was thunder-struck at this phaenomenon, and the
rest of the company gazed in silent astonishment, while the
servants hastened to assist their master, who suffered himself to
be carried back into the parlour without speaking a word. -- Being
instantly accommodated with dry clothes and flannels, comforted
with a cordial, and replaced in statu quo, one of the maids was
ordered to chafe his lower extremities, an operation in
consequence of which his senses seemed to return and his good
humour to revive. -- As we had followed him into the room, he
looked at every individual in his turn, with a certain ludicrous
expression in his countenance, but fixed his eyes in particular
upon Lismahago, who presented him with a pinch of snuff, and when
he took it in silence, 'Sir Thomas Bullford (said he), I am much
obliged to you for all your favours, and some of them I have
endeavoured to repay in your own coin.' 'Give me thy hand (cried
the baronet); thou hast indeed payed me Scot and lot; and even
left a balance in my hands, for which, in presence of this
company, I promise to be accountable.' -- So saying, he laughed
very heartily, and even seemed to enjoy the retaliation which had
been exacted at his own expence; but lady Bullford looked very
grave; and in all probability thought the lieutenant had carried
his resentment too far, considering that her husband was
valetudinary -- but, according to the proverb, he that will play
at bowls must expect to meet with rubbers. I have seen a tame
bear, very diverting when properly managed, become a very
dangerous wild beast when teized for the entertainment of the
spectators. -- As for Lismahago, he seemed to think the fright and
the cold bath would have a good effect upon his patient's
constitution: but the doctor hinted some apprehension that the
gouty matter might, by such a sudden shock, be repelled from the
extremities and thrown upon some of the more vital parts of the
machine. -- I should be very sorry to see this prognostic verified
upon our facetious landlord, who told Mrs Tabitha at parting,
that he hoped she would remember him in the distribution of the
bride's favours, as he had taken so much pains to put the
captain's parts and mettle to the proof. -- After all, I am afraid
our squire will appear to be the greatest sufferer by the
baronet's wit; for his constitution is by no means calculated for
night-alarms. He has yawned and shivered all day, and gone to bed
without supper; so that, as we have got into good quarters, I
imagine we shall make a halt to-morrow; in which case, you will
have at least one day's respite from the persecution of

J. MELFORD
Oct. 3.

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall.

DEAR MARY JONES,

Miss Liddy is so good as to unclose me in a kiver as fur as
Gloster, and the carrier will bring it to hand -- God send us all
safe to Monmouthshire, for I'm quite jaded with rambling -- 'Tis a
true saying, live and learn -- 0 woman, what chuckling and changing
have I seen! -- Well, there's nothing sartain in this world -- Who
would have thought that mistriss, after all the pains taken for
the good of her prusias sole, would go for to throw away her poor
body? that she would cast the heys of infection upon such a
carrying-crow as Lashmihago! as old as Mathewsullin, as dry as a
red herring, and as poor as a starved veezel -- 0, Molly, hadst
thou seen him come down the ladder, in a shurt so scanty, that it
could not kiver his nakedness! -- The young 'squire called him
Dunquickset; but he looked for all the world like Cradoc-ap-Morgan,
the ould tinker, that suffered at Abergany for steeling
of kettle -- Then he's a profane scuffle, and, as Mr Clinker says,
no better than an impfiddle, continually playing upon the pyebill
and the new-burth -- I doubt he has as little manners as money; for
he can't say a civil word, much more make me a present of a pair
of gloves for goodwill; but he looks as if he wanted to be very
forewood and familiar O! that ever a gentlewoman of years and
discretion should tare her air, and cry and disporridge herself
for such a nubjack! as the song goes

I vow she would fain have a burd
That bids such a price for an owl.

but, for sartain, he must have dealt with some Scotch musician to
bring her to this pass -- As for me, I put my trust in the Lord;
and I have got a slice of witch elm sowed in the gathers of my
under petticoat; and Mr Clinker assures me, that by the new light
of grease, I may deify the devil and all his works -- But I nose
what I nose -- If mistress should take up with Lashmyhago, this is
no sarvice for me -- Thank God, there's no want of places; and if
it wan't for wan thing, I would -- but, no matter Madam Baynar's
woman has twenty good pounds a-year and parquisites; and dresses
like a parson of distinkson -- I dined with her and the valley de
shambles, with bags and golden jackets; but there was nothing
kimfittable to eat, being as how they lived upon board, and
having nothing but a piss of could cuddling tart and some
blamangey, I was tuck with the cullick, and a murcey it was that
mistress had her viol of assings in the cox.

But, as I was saying, I think for sartain this match will go
forewood; for things are come to a creesus; and I have seen with
my own bays, such smuggling -- But I scorn for to exclose the
secrets of the family; and if it wance comes to marrying, who
nose but the frolick may go round -- I believes as how, Miss Liddy
would have no reversion if her swan would appear; and you would
be surprised, Molly, to receive a bride's fever from your humble
sarvant -- but this is all suppository, dear girl; and I have
sullenly promised to Mr Clinker, that neither man, woman, nor
child shall no that arrow said a civil thing to me in the way of
infection. I hope to drink your health at Brambleton-hall, in a
horn of October, before the month be out -- Pray let my bed be
turned once a-day, and the windore opened, while the weather is
dry; and burn a few billets with some brush in the footman's
garret, and see their mattrash be dry as a bone: for both our
gentlemen have got a sad could by lying in damp shits at sir
Tummas Ballfart's. No more at present, but my sarvice to Saul and
the rest of our fellow-sarvents,
being,

Dear Mary Jones,
Always yours,
WIN. JENKINS
Oct. 4.

To Miss LAETITIA WILLIS, at Gloucester.

MY DEAR LETTY,

This method of writing to you from time to time, without any
hopes of an answer, affords me, I own, some ease and satisfaction
in the 'midst of my disquiet, as it in some degree lightens the
burthen of affliction: but it is at best a very imperfect
enjoyment of friendship, because it admits of no return of
confidence and good counsel -- I would give the whole world to have
your company for a single day -- I am heartily tired of this
itinerant way of life. I am quite dizzy with a perpetual
succession of objects -- Besides it is impossible to travel such a
length of way, without being exposed to inconveniencies, dangers,
and disagreeable accidents, which prove very grievous to a poor
creature of weak nerves like me, and make me pay very dear for
the gratification of my curiosity.

Nature never intended me for the busy world -- I long for repose
and solitude, where I can enjoy that disinterested friendship
which is not to be found among crouds, and indulge those pleasing
reveries that shun the hurry and tumult of fashionable society --
Unexperienced as I am in the commerce of life, I have seen enough
to give me a disgust to the generality of those who carry it on --
There is such malice, treachery, and dissimulation, even among
professed friends and intimate companions, as cannot fail to
strike a virtuous mind with horror; and when Vice quits the stage
for a moment, her place is immediately occupied by Folly, which
is often too serious to excite any thing but compassion. Perhaps I
ought to be silent on the foibles of my poor aunt; but with you,
my dear Willis, I have no secrets; and, truly, her weaknesses are
such as cannot be concealed. Since the first moment we arrived at
Bath, she has been employed constantly in spreading nets for the
other sex; and, at length, she has caught a superannuated
lieutenant, who is in a fair way to make her change her name -- My
uncle and my brother seem to have no objection to this
extraordinary match, which, I make no doubt, will afford
abundance of matter for conversation and mirth; for my part, I am
too sensible of my own weaknesses, to be diverted with those of
other people -- At present, I have something at heart that employs
my whole attention, and keeps my mind in the utmost terror and
suspence.

Yesterday in the forenoon, as I stood with my brother at the
parlour window of an inn, where we had lodged, a person passed a
horseback, whom (gracious Heaven!) I instantly discovered to be
Wilson! He wore a white riding-coat, with the cape buttoned up to
his chin; looking remarkably pale, and passed at a round trot,
without seeming to observe us -- Indeed, he could not see us; for
there was a blind that concealed us from the view. You may guess
how I was affected at this apparition. The light forsook my eyes;
and I was seized with such a palpitation and trembling, that I
could not stand. I sat down upon a couch, and strove to compose
myself, that my brother might not perceive my agitation; but it
was impossible to escape his prying eyes -- He had observed the
object that alarmed me; and, doubtless, knew him at the first
glance -- He now looked at me with a stern countenance; then he ran
out into the street, to see what road the unfortunate horseman
had taken -- He afterwards dispatched his man for further
intelligence, and seemed to meditate some violent design. My
uncle, being out of order, we remained another night at the inn;
and all day long Jery acted the part of an indefatigable spy upon
my conduct -- He watched my very looks with such eagerness of
attention, as if he would have penetrated into the utmost
recesses of my heart -- This may be owing to his regard for my
honour, if it is not the effect of his own pride; but he is so
hot, and violent, and unrelenting, that the sight of him alone
throws me into a flutter; and really it will not be in my power
to afford him any share of my affection, if he persists in
persecuting me at this rate. I am afraid he has formed some
scheme of vengeance, which will make me completely wretched! I am
afraid he suspects some collusion from this appearance of
Wilson. -- Good God! did he really appear?
or was it only a phantom, a pale spectre to apprise me of his
death.

O Letty, what shall I do? -- where shall I turn for advice and
consolation? shall I implore the protection of my uncle, who has
been always kind and compassionate. -- This must be my last
resource. -- I dread the thoughts of making him uneasy; and would
rather suffer a thousand deaths than live the cause of dissension
in the family. -- I cannot conceive the meaning of Wilson's coming
hither: -- perhaps, it was in quest of us, in order to disclose his
real name and situation: -- but wherefore pass without staying to
make the least enquiry? -- My dear Willis, I am lost in conjecture.
I have not closed an eye since I saw him. -- All night long have I
been tossed about from one imagination to another. The reflection
finds no resting place. -- I have prayed, and sighed, and wept
plentifully. -- If this terrible suspence continues much longer, I
shall have another fit of illness, and then the whole family will
be in confusion -- If it was consistent with the wise purposes of
Providence, would I were in my grave -- But it is my duty to be
resigned. -- My dearest Letty, excuse my weakness -- excuse these
blots -- my tears fall so fast that I cannot keep the paper dry --
yet I ought to consider that I have as yet no cause to despair
but I am such a faint-hearted timorous creature!

Thank God, my uncle is much better than he was yesterday. He is
resolved to pursue our journey strait to Wales. -- I hope we shall
take Gloucester in our way -- that hope chears my poor heart I
shall once more embrace my best beloved Willis, and pour all my
griefs into her friendly bosom. -- 0 heaven! is it possible that
such happiness is reserved for

The dejected and forlorn
LYDIA MELFORD
Oct. 4.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR WATKIN,

I yesterday met with an incident which I believe you will own to
be very surprising -- As I stood with Liddy at the window of the
inn where we had lodged, who should pass by but Wilson a-horse
back! -- I could not be mistaken in the person, for I had a full
view of him as he advanced; I plainly perceived by my sister's
confusion that she recognized him at the same time. I was equally
astonished and incensed at his appearance, which I could not but
interpret into an insult, or something worse. I ran out at the
gate, and, seeing him turn the corner of the street, I dispatched
my servant to observe his motions, but the fellow was too late to
bring me that satisfaction. He told me, however, that there was
an inn, called the Red Lion, at that end of the town, where he
supposed the horseman had alighted, but that he would not enquire
without further orders. I sent him back immediately to know what
strangers were in the house, and he returned with a report that
there was one Mr Wilson lately arrived. In consequence of this
information I charged him with a note directed to that gentleman,
desiring him to meet me in half an hour in a certain field at the
town's end, with a case of pistols, in order to decide the
difference which could not be determined at our last rencounter:
but I did not think proper to subscribe the billet. My man
assured me he had delivered it into his own hand; and, that
having read it, he declared he would wait upon the gentleman at
the place and time appointed.

M'Alpine being an old soldier, and luckily sober at the time, I
entrusted him with my secret. I ordered him to be within call,
and, having given him a letter to be delivered to my uncle in
case of accident, I repaired to the rendezvous, which was an
inclosed field at a little distance from the highway. I found my
antagonist had already taken his ground, wrapped in a dark
horseman's coat, with a laced hat flapped over his eyes; but what
was my astonishment, when, throwing off this wrapper, he appeared
to be a person whom I had never seen before! He had one pistol
stuck in a leather belt, and another in his hand ready for
action, and, advancing a few steps, called to know if I was
ready -- I answered, 'No,' and desired a parley; upon which he
turned the muzzle of his piece towards the earth; then replaced
it in his belt, and met me half way -- When I assured him he was
not the man I expected to meet, he said it might be so: that he
had received a slip of paper directed to Mr Wilson, requesting
him to come hither; and that as there was no other in the place
of that name, he naturally concluded the note was intended for
him, and him only -- I then gave him to understand,
that I had been injured by a person who assumed that name, which
person I had actually seen within the hour, passing through the
street on horseback; that hearing there was a Mr Wilson at the
Red Lion, I took it for granted he was the man, and in that
belief had writ the billet; and I expressed my surprize, that he,
who was a stranger to me and my concerns, should give me such a
rendezvous, without taking the trouble to demand a previous
explanation. He replied, that there was no other of his name in
the whole country; that no such horseman had alighted at the Red
Lion since nine o'clock, when he arrived -- that having had the
honour to serve his majesty, he thought he could not decently
decline any invitation of this kind, from what quarter soever it
might come, and that if any explanation was necessary, it did not
belong to him to demand it, but to the gentleman who summoned
him into the field. Vexed as I was at this adventure, I could not
help admiring the coolness of this officer, whose open
countenance prepossessed me in his favour. He seemed to be turned
of forty; wore his own short black hair, which curled naturally
about his ears, and was very plain in his apparel -- When I begged
pardon for the trouble I had given him, he received my apology
with great good humour. -- He told me that he lived about ten miles
off, at a small farm-house, which would afford me tolerable
lodging, if I would come and take diversion of hunting with him
for a few weeks; in which case we might, perhaps, find out the
man who had given me offence -- I thanked him very sincerely for
his courteous offer, which, I told him, I was not at liberty to
accept at present, on account of my being engaged in a family
party; and so we parted, with mutual professions of good will and
esteem.

Now tell me, dear knight, what am I to make of this singular
adventure? Am I to suppose that the horseman I saw was really a
thing of flesh and blood, or a bubble that vanished into air? -- or
must I imagine Liddy knows more of the matter than she chuses to
disclose? -- If I thought her capable of carrying on any
clandestine correspondence with such a fellow, I should at once
discard all tenderness, and forget that she was connected with me
by the ties of blood -- But how is it possible that a girl of her
simplicity and inexperience, should maintain such an intercourse,
surrounded, as she is, with so many eyes, destitute of all
opportunity, and shifting quarters every day of her life! --
Besides, she has solemnly promised. No -- I can't think the girl so
base -- so insensible to the honour of her family. -- What disturbs
me chiefly, is the impression which these occurrences seem to
make upon her spirits -- These are the symptoms from which I
conclude that the rascal has still a hold on her affection, surely
I have a right to call him a rascal, and to conclude that his
designs are infamous. But it shall be my fault if he does not one
day repent his presumption -- I confess I cannot think, much less
write on this subject, with any degree of temper or patience; I
shall therefore conclude with telling you, that we hope to be in
Wales by the latter end of the month: but before that period you
will probably hear again from

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