The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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LYDIA MELFORD

Direct for me, still under cover, to Win; and Jarvis will take
care to convey it safe. Adieu.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.

BATH, April 24.

DEAR PHILLIPS,

You have, indeed, reason to be surprised, that I should have
concealed my correspondence with miss Blackerby from you, to whom
I disclosed all my other connexions of that nature; but the truth
is, I never dreamed of any such commerce, till your last informed
me, that it had produced something which could not be much longer
concealed. It is a lucky circumstance, however, that her
reputation will not suffer any detriment, but rather derive
advantage from the discovery; which will prove, at least, that it
is not quite so rotten as most people imagined -- For my own
part, I declare to you, in all the sincerity of friendship, that,
far from having any amorous intercourse with the object in
question, I never had the least acquaintance with her person;
but, if she is really in the condition you describe, I suspect
Mansel to be at the bottom of the whole. His visits to that
shrine were no secret; and this attachment, added to some good
offices, which you know he has done me, since I left Alma-mater,
give me a right to believe him capable of saddling me with this
scandal, when my back was turned -- Nevertheless, if my name can
be of any service to him, he is welcome to make use of it; and if
the woman should be abandoned enough to swear his banding to me,
I must beg the favour of you to compound with the parish: I shall
pay the penalty without repining; and you will be so good as to
draw upon me immediately for the sum required -- On this
occasion, I act by the advice of my uncle; who says I shall have
good-luck if I pass through life without being obliged to make
many more compositions of the same kind. The old gentleman told
me last night, with great good-humour, that betwixt the age of
twenty and forty, he had been obliged to provide for nine
bastards, sworn to him by women whom he never saw -- Mr Bramble's
character, which seems to interest you greatly, opens and
improves upon me every day. His singularities afford a rich mine
of entertainment; his understanding, so far as I can judge, is
well cultivated; his observations on life are equally just,
pertinent, and uncommon. He affects misanthropy, in order to
conceal the sensibility of a heart, which is tender, even to a
degree of weakness. This delicacy of feeling, or soreness of the
mind, makes him timorous and fearful; but then he is afraid of
nothing so much as of dishonour; and although he is exceedingly
cautious of giving offence, he will fire at the least hint of
insolence or ill-breeding. -- Respectable as he is, upon the
whole, I can't help being sometimes diverted by his little
distresses; which provoke him to let fly the shafts of his
satire, keen and penetrating as the arrows of Teucer -- Our aunt,
Tabitha, acts upon him as a perpetual grind-stone -- She is, in
all respects, a striking contrast to her brother -- But I reserve
her portrait for another occasion.

Three days ago we came hither from the Hot Well, and took
possession of the first floor of a lodging-house, on the South
Parade; a situation which my uncle chose, for its being near the
Bath, and remote from the noise of carriages. He was scarce warm
in the lodgings when he called for his night-cap, his wide shoes,
and flannel; and declared himself invested with the gout in his
right foot; though, I believe it had as yet reached no farther
than his imagination. It was not long before he had reason to
repent his premature declaration; for our aunt Tabitha found
means to make such a clamour and confusion, before the flannels
could be produced from the trunk, that one would have imagined
the house was on fire. All this time, uncle sat boiling with
impatience, biting his fingers, throwing up his eyes, and
muttering ejaculations; at length he burst into a kind of
convulsive laugh, after which he hummed a song; and when the
hurricane was over, exclaimed 'Blessed be God for all things!'
This, however, was but the beginning of his troubles. Mrs
Tabitha's favourite dog Chowder, having paid his compliments to a
female turnspit of his own species, in the kitchen, involved
himself in a quarrel with no fewer than five rivals, who set upon
him at once, and drove him up stairs to the dining room door,
with hideous noise: there our aunt and her woman, taking arms in
his defence, joined the concert; which became truly diabolical.
This fray being with difficulty suppressed, by the intervention
of our own footman and the cook-maid of the house, the squire had
just opened his mouth, to expostulate with Tabby, when the town-waits,
in the passage below, struck up their music (if music it
may be called) with such a sudden burst of sound, as made him
start and stare, with marks of indignation and disquiet. He had
recollection enough to send his servant with some money to
silence those noisy intruders; and they were immediately
dismissed, though not without some opposition on the part of
Tabitha, who thought it but reasonable that he should have more
music for his money. Scarce had he settled this knotty point,
when a strange kind of thumping and bouncing was heard right
over-head, in the second story, so loud and violent, as to shake
the whole building. I own I was exceedingly provoked at this new
alarm; and before my uncle had time to express himself on the
subject, I ran up stairs, to see what was the matter. Finding the
room-door open, I entered without ceremony, and perceived an
object, which I can not now recollect without laughing to excess
-- It was a dancing master, with his scholar, in the act of
teaching. The master was blind of one eye, and lame of one foot,
and led about the room his pupil; who seemed to be about the age
of threescore, stooped mortally, was tall, raw-boned, hard-favoured,
with a woollen night-cap on his head; and he had stript
off his coat, that he might be more nimble in his motions --
Finding himself intruded upon, by a person he did not know, he
forthwith girded himself with a long iron sword, and advancing to
me, with a peremptory air, pronounced, in a true Hibernian
accent, 'Mister What d'ye callum, by my saoul and conscience, I
am very glad to sea you, if you are after coming in the way of
friendship; and indeed, and indeed now, I believe you are my
friend sure enough, gra; though I never had the honour to sea
your face before, my dear; for becaase you come like a friend,
without any ceremony at all, at all' -- I told him the nature of
my visit would not admit of ceremony; that I was come to desire
he would make less noise, as there was a sick gentleman below,
whom he had no right to disturb with such preposterous doings.
'Why, look-ye now, young gentleman (replied this original)
perhaps, upon another occasion, I might shivilly request you to
explain the maining of that hard word, prepasterous: but there's
a time for all things, honey' -- So saying, he passed me with
great agility, and, running down stairs, found our foot-man at
the dining-room door, of whom he demanded admittance, to pay his
respects to the stranger. As the fellow did not think proper to
refuse the request of such a formidable figure, he was
immediately introduced, and addressed himself to my uncle in
these words: 'Your humble servant, good sir, -- I'm not so
prepasterous, as your son calls it, but I know the rules of
shivility - I'm a poor knight of Ireland, my name is sir Ulic
Mackilligut, of the county of Galway; being your fellow-lodger,
I'm come to pay my respects, and to welcome you to the South
Parade, and to offer my best services to you, and your good lady,
and your pretty daughter; and even to the young gentleman your
son, though he thinks me a prepasterous fellow -- You must know I
am to have the honour to open a ball next door to-morrow with
lady Mac Manus; and being rusted in my dancing, I was refreshing
my memory with a little exercise; but if I had known there was a
sick person below, by Christ! I would have sooner danced a
hornpipe upon my own head, than walk the softest minuet over
yours.' -- My uncle, who was not a little startled at his first
appearance, received his compliment with great complacency,
insisted upon his being seated, thanked him for the honour of his
visit, and reprimanded me for my abrupt expostulation with a
gentleman of his rank and character. Thus tutored, I asked pardon
of the knight, who, forthwith starting up, embraced me so close,
that I could hardly breathe; and assured me, he loved me as his
own soul. At length, recollecting his night-cap, he pulled it off
in some confusion; and, with his bald-pate uncovered, made a
thousand apologies to the ladies, as he retired -- At that
instant, the Abbey bells, began to ring so loud, that we could
not hear one another speak; and this peal, as we afterwards
learned, was for the honour of Mr Bullock, an eminent cowkeeper
of Tottenham, who had just arrived at Bath, to drink the waters
for indigestion. Mr Bramble had not time to make his remarks upon
the agreeable nature of this serenade, before his ears were
saluted with another concert that interested him more nearly. Two
negroes, belonging to a Creole gentleman, who lodged in the same
house, taking their station at a window in the stair-case, about
ten feet from our dining-room door, began to practise upon the
French-horn; and being in the very first rudiments of execution,
produced such discordant sounds, as might have discomposed the
organs of an ass. You may guess what effect they had upon the
irritable nerves of uncle; who, with the most admirable
expression of splenetic surprize in his countenance, sent his man
to silence these dreadful blasts, and desire the musicians to
practise in some other place, as they had no right to stand there
and disturb all the lodgers in the house. Those sable performers,
far from taking the hint, and withdrawing, treated the messenger
with great insolence; bidding him carry his compliments to their
master, colonel Rigworm, who would give him a proper answer, and
a good drubbing into the bargain; in the mean time they continued
their noise, and even endeavoured to make it more disagreeable;
laughing between whiles, at the thoughts of being able to torment
their betters with impunity. Our 'squire, incensed at the
additional insult, immediately dispatched the servant, with his
compliments to colonel Rigworm, requesting that he would order
his blacks to be quiet, as the noise they made was altogether
intolerable -- To this message, the Creole colonel replied, that
his horns had a right to sound on a common staircase; that there
they should play for his diversion; and that those who did not
like the noise, might look for lodgings elsewhere. Mr Bramble no
sooner received this reply, than his eyes began to glisten, his
face grew pale, and his teeth chattered. After a moment's pause,
he slipt on his shoes, without speaking a word, or seeming to
feel any further disturbance from the gout in his toes. Then
snatching his cane, he opened the door and proceeded to the
place where the black trumpeters were posted. There, without
further hesitation, he began to belabour them both; and exerted
himself with such astonishing vigour and agility, that both their
heads and horns were broken in a twinkling, and they ran howling
down stairs to their master's parlour-door. The squire, following
them half way, called aloud, that the colonel might hear him,
'Go, rascals, and tell your master what I have done; if he thinks
himself injured, he knows where to come for satisfaction. As for
you, this is but an earnest of what you shall receive, if ever
you presume to blow a horn again here, while I stay in the
house.' So saying, he retired to his apartment, in expectation of
hearing from the West Indian; but the colonel prudently declined
any farther prosecution of the dispute. My sister Liddy was
frighted into a fit, from which she was no sooner recovered, than
Mrs Tabitha began a lecture upon patience; which her brother
interrupted with a most significant grin, 'True, sister, God
increase my patience and your discretion. I wonder (added he)
what sort of sonata we are to expect from this overture, in which
the devil, that presides over horrid sounds, hath given us such
variations of discord -- The trampling of porters, the creaking
and crashing of trunks, the snarling of curs, the scolding of
women, the squeaking and squalling of fiddles and hautboys out of
tune, the bouncing of the Irish baronet over-head, and the
bursting, belching, and brattling of the French-horns in the
passage (not to mention the harmonious peal that still thunders
from the Abbey steeple) succeeding one another without
interruption, like the different parts of the same concert, have
given me such an idea of what a poor invalid has to expect in
this temple, dedicated to Silence and Repose, that I shall
certainly shift my quarters to-morrow, and endeavour to
effectuate my retreat before Sir Ulic opens the ball with my lady
Mac Manus; a conjunction that bodes me no good.' This intimation
was by no means agreeable to Mrs Tabitha, whose ears were not
quite so delicate as those of her brother -- She said it would be
great folly to move from such agreeable lodgings, the moment they
were comfortably settled. She wondered he should be such an enemy
to music and mirth. She heard no noise but of his own making: it
was impossible to manage a family in dumb-shew. He might harp as
long as he pleased upon her scolding; but she never scolded,
except for his advantage; but he would never be satisfied, even
tho'f she should sweat blood and water in his service -- I have a
great notion that our aunt, who is now declining into the most
desperate state of celibacy, had formed some design upon the
heart of Sir Ulic Mackilligut, which she feared might be
frustrated by our abrupt departure from these lodgings. Her
brother, eyeing her askance, 'Pardon me, sister (said he) I
should be a savage, indeed, were I insensible of my own felicity,
in having such a mild, complaisant, good-humoured, and
considerate companion and housekeeper;
but as I have got a weak head, and my sense of hearing is
painfully acute, before I have recourse to plugs of wool and
cotton, I'll try whether I can't find another lodging, where I
shall have more quiet and less music.' He accordingly dispatched
his man upon this service; and next day he found a small house in
Milsham-street, which he hires by the week. Here, at least, we
enjoy convenience and quiet within doors, as much as Tabby's
temper will allow; but the squire still complains of flying pains
in the stomach and head, for which he bathes and drinks the
waters. He is not so bad, however, but that he goes in person to
the pump, the rooms, and the coffeehouses; where he picks up
continual food for ridicule and satire. If I can glean any thing
for your amusement, either from his observation or my own, you
shall have it freely, though I am afraid it will poorly
compensate the trouble of reading these tedious
insipid letters of,

Dear Phillips,
Yours always,
J. MELFORD

To Dr LEWIS.
BATH, April 23.
DEAR DOCTOR,

If I did not know that the exercise of your profession has
habituated you to the hearing of complaints, I should make a
conscience of troubling you with my correspondence, which may be
truly called the lamentations of Matthew Bramble. Yet I cannot
help thinking I have some right to discharge the overflowings of
my spleen upon you, whose province it is to remove those
disorders that occasioned it; and let me tell you, it is no small
alleviation of my grievances, that I have a sensible friend, to
whom I can communicate my crusty humours, which, by retention,
would grow intolerably acrimonious.

You must know, I find nothing but disappointment at Bath; which
is so altered, that I can scarce believe it is the same place
that I frequented about thirty years ago. Methinks I hear you
say, 'Altered it is, without all doubt: but then it is altered
for the better; a truth which, perhaps, you would own without
hesitation, if you yourself was not altered for the worse.' The
reflection may, for aught I know, be just. The inconveniences
which I overlooked in the high-day of health, will naturally
strike with exaggerated impression on the irritable nerves of an
invalid, surprised by premature old age, and shattered with long-suffering --
But, I believe, you will not deny, that this place,
which Nature and Providence seem to have intended as a resource
from distemper and disquiet, is become the very centre of racket
and dissipation. Instead of that peace, tranquillity, and case,
so necessary to those who labour under bad health, weak nerves,
and irregular spirits; here we have nothing but noise, tumult,
and hurry; with the fatigue and slavery of maintaining a
ceremonial, more stiff, formal, and oppressive, than the
etiquette of a German elector. A national hospital it may be, but
one would imagine that none but lunatics are admitted; and truly,
I will give you leave to call me so, if I stay much longer at
Bath. -- But I shall take another opportunity to explain my
sentiments at greater length on this subject -- I was impatient
to see the boasted improvements in architecture, for which the
upper parts of the town have been so much celebrated and t'other
day I made a circuit of all the new buildings. The Square, though
irregular, is, on the whole, pretty well laid out, spacious,
open, and airy; and, in my opinion, by far the most wholesome and
agreeable situation in Bath, especially the upper side of it; but
the avenues to it are mean, dirty, dangerous, and indirect. Its
communication with the Baths, is through the yard of an inn,
where the poor trembling valetudinarian is carried in a chair,
betwixt the heels of a double row of horses, wincing under the
curry-combs of grooms and postilions, over and above the hazard
of being obstructed, or overturned by the carriages which are
continually making their exit or their entrance -- I suppose
after some chairmen shall have been maimed, and a few lives lost
by those accidents, the corporation will think, in earnest, about
providing a more safe and commodious passage. The Circus is a
pretty bauble, contrived for shew, and looks like Vespasian's
amphitheatre turned outside in. If we consider it in point of
magnificence, the great number of small doors belonging to the
separate houses, the inconsiderable height of the different
orders, the affected ornaments of the architrave, which are both
childish and misplaced, and the areas projecting into the street,
surrounded with iron rails, destroy a good part of its effect
upon the eye; and, perhaps, we shall find it still more
defective, if we view it in the light of convenience. The figure
of each separate dwelling-house, being the segment of a circle,
must spoil the symmetry of the rooms, by contracting them towards
the street windows, and leaving a larger sweep in the space
behind. If, instead of the areas and iron rails, which seem to be
of very little use, there had been a corridore with arcades all
round, as in Covent-garden, the appearance of the whole would
have been more magnificent and striking; those arcades would have
afforded an agreeable covered walk, and sheltered the poor
chairmen and their carriages from the rain, which is here almost
perpetual. At present, the chairs stand soaking in the open
street, from morning to night, till they become so many boxes of
wet leather, for the benefit of the gouty and rheumatic, who are
transported in them from place to place. Indeed this is a
shocking inconvenience that extends over the whole city; and, I
am persuaded, it produces infinite mischief to the delicate and
infirm; even the close chairs, contrived for the sick, by
standing in the open air, have their frize linings impregnated
like so many spunges, with the moisture of the atmosphere, and
those cases of cold vapour must give a charming check to the
perspiration of a patient, piping hot from the Bath, with all his
pores wide open.

But, to return to the Circus; it is inconvenient from its
situation, at so great a distance from all the markets, baths,
and places of public entertainment. The only entrance to it,
through Gay-street, is so difficult, steep, and slippery, that in
wet weather, it must be exceedingly dangerous, both for those
that ride in carriages, and those that walk a-foot; and when the
street is covered with snow, as it was for fifteen days
successively this very winter, I don't see how any individual
could go either up or down, without the most imminent hazard of
broken bones. In blowing weather, I am told, most of the houses
in this hill are smothered with smoke, forced down the chimneys,
by the gusts of wind reverberated from the hill behind, which (I
apprehend likewise) must render the atmosphere here more humid
and unwholesome than it is in the square below; for the clouds,
formed by the constant evaporation from the baths and rivers in
the bottom, will, in their ascent this way, be first attracted
and detained by the hill that rises close behind the Circus, and
load the air with a perpetual succession of vapours: this point,
however, may be easily ascertained by means of an hygrometer, or
a paper of salt of tartar exposed to the action of the
atmosphere. The same artist who planned the Circus, has likewise
projected a Crescent; when that is finished, we shall probably
have a Star; and those who are living thirty years hence, may,
perhaps, see all the signs of the Zodiac exhibited in
architecture at Bath. These, however fantastical, are still
designs that denote some ingenuity and knowledge in the
architect; but the rage of building has laid hold on such a
number of adventurers, that one sees new houses starting up in
every out-let and every corner of Bath; contrived without
judgment, executed without solidity, and stuck together with so
little regard to plan and propriety, that the different lines of
the new rows and buildings interfere with, and intersect one
another in every different angle of conjunction. They look like
the wreck of streets and squares disjointed by an earthquake,
which hath broken the ground into a variety of holes and
hillocks; or as if some Gothic devil had stuffed them altogether
in a bag, and left them to stand higgledy piggledy, just as
chance directed. What sort of a monster Bath will become in a few
years, with those growing excrescences, may be easily conceived:
but the want of beauty and proportion is not the worst effect of
these new mansions; they are built so slight, with the soft
crumbling stone found in this neighbourhood, that I shall never
sleep quietly in one of them, when it blowed (as the sailors say)
a cap-full of wind; and, I am persuaded, that my hind, Roger
Williams, or any man of equal strength, would be able to push his
foot through the strongest part of their walls, without any great
exertion of his muscles. All these absurdities arise from the
general tide of luxury, which hath overspread the nation, and
swept away all, even the very dregs of the people. Every upstart
of fortune, harnessed in the trappings of the mode, presents
himself at Bath, as in the very focus of observation -- Clerks
and factors from the East Indies, loaded with the spoil of
plundered provinces; planters, negro-drivers, and hucksters from
our American plantations, enriched they know not how; agents,
commissaries, and contractors, who have fattened, in two
successive wars, on the blood of the nation; usurers, brokers,
and jobbers of every kind; men of low birth, and no breeding,
have found themselves suddenly translated into a state of
affluence, unknown to former ages; and no wonder that their
brains should be intoxicated with pride, vanity, and presumption.
Knowing no other criterion of greatness, but the ostentation of
wealth, they discharge their affluence without taste or conduct,
through every channel of the most absurd extravagance; and all of
them hurry to Bath, because here, without any further
qualification, they can mingle with the princes and nobles of the
land. Even the wives and daughters of low tradesmen, who, like
shovel-nosed sharks, prey upon the blubber of those uncouth
whales of fortune, are infected with the same rage of displaying
their importance; and the slightest indisposition serves them for
a pretext to insist upon being conveyed to Bath, where they may
hobble country-dances and cotillons among lordlings, squires,
counsellors, and clergy. These delicate creatures from
Bedfordbury, Butcher-row, Crutched-friers, and Botolph-lane,
cannot breathe in the gross air of the Lower Town, or conform to
the vulgar rules of a common lodging-house; the husband,
therefore, must provide an entire house, or elegant apartments in
the new buildings. Such is the composition of what is called the
fashionable company at Bath; where a very inconsiderable
proportion of genteel people are lost in a mob of impudent
plebeians, who have neither understanding nor judgment, nor the
least idea of propriety and decorum; and seem to enjoy nothing so
much as an opportunity of insulting their betters.

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