The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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Mr Dennison is an elegant poet, and has written some detached
pieces on the subject of his passion for Liddy, which must be
very flattering to the vanity of a young woman -- Perhaps he is one
of the greatest theatrical geniuses that ever appeared. He
sometimes entertains us with reciting favourite speeches from our
best plays. We are resolved to convert the great hall into a
theatre, and get up the Beaux Stratagem without delay -- I think I
shall make no contemptible figure in the character of Scrub; and
Lismahago will be very great in Captain Gibbet. Wilson undertakes
to entertain the country people with Harlequin Skeleton, for
which he has got a jacket ready painted with his own hand.

Our society is really enchanting. Even the severity of Lismahago
relaxes, and the vinegar of Mrs Tabby is remarkably dulcified,
ever since it was agreed that she should take precedency of her
niece in being first noosed: for, you must know, the day is fixed
for Liddy's marriage; and the banns for both couples have been
already once published in the parish church. The Captain
earnestly begged that one trouble might serve for all, and
Tabitha assented with a vile affectation of reluctance. Her
inamorato, who came hither very slenderly equipt, has sent for
his baggage to London, which, in all probability, will not arrive
in time for the wedding; but it is of no great consequence, as
every thing is to be transacted with the utmost privacy --
Meanwhile, directions are given for making out the contracts of
marriage, which are very favourable for both females; Liddy will
be secured in a good jointure; and her aunt will remain mistress
of her own fortune, except one half of the interest, which her
husband shall have a right to enjoy for his natural life: I think
this is as little in conscience as can be done for a man who
yokes with such a partner for life.

These expectants seem to be so happy, that if Mr Dennison had an
agreeable daughter, I believe I should be for making the third
couple in this country dance. The humour seems to be infectious;
for Clinker, alias Loyd, has a month's mind to play the fool, in
the same fashion, with Mrs Winifred Jenkins. He has even sounded
me on the subject; but I have given him no encouragement to
prosecute this scheme -- I told him I thought he might do better,
as there was no engagement nor promise subsisting; that I did not
know what designs my uncle might have formed for his advantage;
but I was of opinion, that he should not, at present, run the
risque of disobliging him by any premature application of this
nature -- Honest Humphry protested he would suffer death sooner
than do or say any thing that should give offence to the 'squire:
but he
owned he had a kindness for the young woman, and had reason to
think she looked upon him with a favourable eye; that he
considered this mutual manifestation of good will, as an
engagement understood, which ought to be binding to the
conscience of an honest man; and he hoped the 'squire and I would
be of the same opinion, when we should be at leisure to bestow
any thought about the matter -- I believe he is in the right; and
we shall find time to take his case into consideration -- You see
we are fixed for some weeks at least, and as you have had a long
respite, I hope you will begin immediately to discharge the
arrears due to

Your affectionate,
J. MELFORD
Oct. 14.

To Miss LAETITIA WILLIS, at Gloucester.

MY DEAR, DEAR LETTY,

Never did I sit down to write in such agitation as I now feel -- In
the course of a few days, we have met with a number of incidents
so wonderful and interesting, that all my ideas are thrown into
confusion and perplexity -- You must not expect either method or
coherence in what I am going to relate -- my dearest Willis. Since
my last, the aspect of affairs is totally changed! -- and so
changed! but I would fain give you a regular detail -- In passing a
river about eight days ago, our coach was overturned, and some of
us narrowly escaped with life -- My uncle had well nigh perished. O
Heaven, I cannot reflect upon that circumstance without horror -- I
should have lost my best friend, my father and protector, but for
the resolution and activity of his servant Humphry Clinker, whom
Providence really seems to have placed near him for the necessity
of this occasion. -- I would not be thought superstitious; but
surely he acted from a stronger impulse than common fidelity. Was
it not the voice of nature that loudly called upon him to save
the life of his own father? for, 0 Letty, it was discovered that
Humphry Clinker was my uncle's natural son.

Almost at the same instant, a gentleman, who came to offer us his
assistance, and invite us to his house, turned out to be a very
old friend of Mr Bramble. -- His name is Mr Dennison, one of the
worthiest men living; and his lady is a perfect saint upon earth.
They have an only son -- who do you think is this only son? -- O
Letty! -- O gracious heaven! how my heart palpitates, when I tell
you that this only son of Mr Dennison's, is that very identical
youth who, under the name of Wilson, has made such ravage in my
heart! -- Yes, my dear friend! Wilson and I are now lodged in the
same house, and converse together freely -- His father approves of
his sentiments in my favour; his mother loves me with all the
tenderness of a parent; my uncle, my aunt and my brother, no
longer oppose my inclinations -- On the contrary, they have agreed
to make us happy without delay; and in three weeks or a month, if
no unforeseen accident intervenes, your friend Lydia Melford,
will have changed her name and condition -- I say, if no accident
intervenes, because such a torrent of success makes me tremble! -- I
wish there may not be something treacherous in this sudden
reconciliation of fortune -- I have no merit -- I have no title to
such felicity. Far from enjoying the prospect that lies before
me, my mind is harrassed with a continued tumult, made up of
hopes and wishes, doubts and apprehensions -- I can neither eat nor
sleep, and my spirits are in perpetual flutter. -- I more than ever
feel that vacancy in my heart, which your presence alone can
fill. -- The mind, in every disquiet, seeks to repose itself on the
bosom of a friend; and this is such a trial as I really know not
how to support without your company and counsel -- I must,
therefore, dear Letty, put your friendship to the test -- I must
beg you will come and do the last offices of maidenhood to your
companion Lydia Melford.

This letter goes inclosed in one to our worthy governess, from
Mrs Dennison, entreating her to interpose with your mamma, that
you may be allowed to favour us with your company on this
occasion; and I flatter myself that no material objection can be
made to our request. The distance from hence to Gloucester, does
not exceed one hundred miles, and the roads are good. -- Mr
Clinker, alias Loyd, shall be sent over to attend your motions --
If you step into the post-chaise, with your maid Betty Barker, at
seven in the morning, you will arrive by four in the afternoon at
the half-way house, where there is good accommodation. There you
shall be met by my brother and myself, who will next day
conduct you to this place, where, I am sure, you will find
yourself perfectly at your case in the midst of an agreeable
society. -- Dear Letty, I will take no refusal -- if you have any
friendship -- any humanity -- you will come. -- I desire that immediate
application may be made to your mamma; and that the moment her
permission is obtained, you will apprise

Your ever faithful,
LYDIA MELFORD
Oct. 14.

To Mrs JERMYN, at her house in Gloucester.

DEAR MADAM,

Though I was not so fortunate as to be favoured with an answer to
the letter with which I troubled you in the spring, I still
flatter myself that you retain some regard for me and my
concerns. I am sure the care and tenderness with which I was
treated, under your roof and tuition, demand the warmest returns
of gratitude and affection on my part, and these sentiments, I
hope, I shall cherish to my dying day -- At present, I think it my
duty to make you acquainted with the happy issue of that
indiscretion by which I incurred your displeasure. - Ah! madam, the
slighted Wilson is metamorphosed into George Dennison, only son
and heir of a gentleman, whose character is second to none in
England, as you may understand upon inquiry. My guardian, my
brother and I, are now in his house; and an immediate union of
the two families is to take place in the persons of the young
gentleman and your poor Lydia Melford. -- You will easily conceive
how embarrassing this situation must be to a young inexperienced
creature like me, of weak nerves and strong apprehensions; and
how much the presence of a friend and confidant would encourage
and support me on this occasion. You know, that of all the young
ladies, Miss Willis was she that possessed the greatest share of
my confidence and affection; and, therefore, I fervently wish to
have the happiness of her company at this interesting crisis.

Mrs Dennison, who is the object of universal love and esteem,
has, at my request, written to you on this subject, and I now beg
leave to reinforce her sollicitations. -- My dear Mrs Jermyn! my
ever honoured governess! let me conjure you by that fondness
which once distinguished your favourite Lydia! by that
benevolence of heart, which disposes you to promote the happiness
of your fellow-creatures in general! lend a favourable ear to my
petition, and use your influence with Letty's mamma, that my most
earnest desire may be gratified. Should I be indulged in this
particular, I will engage to return her safe, and even to
accompany her to Gloucester, where, if you will give me leave, I
will present to you, under another name,

Dear Madam,
Your most affectionate
Humble servant,
And penitent,
LYDIA MELFORD
Oct. 14.

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall.

O MARY JONES! MARY JONES!

I have met with so many axidents, suprisals, and terrifications,
that I am in a pafeck fantigo, and I believe I shall never be my
own self again. Last week I was dragged out of a river like a
drowned rat, and lost a bran-new night-cap, with a sulfer
stayhook, that cost me a good half-a-crown, and an odd shoe of
green gallow monkey; besides wetting my cloaths and taring my
smuck, and an ugly gash made in the back part of my thy, by the
stump of a tree -- To be sure Mr Clinker tuck me out of the cox;
but he left me on my back in the water, to go to the 'squire; and
I mought have had a watry grave, if a millar had not brought me
to the dry land -- But, O! what choppings and changes girl -- The
player man that came after Miss Liddy, and frightened me with a
beard at Bristol Well, is now matthew-murphy'd into a fine young
gentleman, son and hare of 'squire Dollison -- We are all together
in the same house, and all parties have agreed to the match, and
in a fortnite the surrymony will be performed.

But this is not the only wedding we are to have -- Mistriss is
resolved to have the same frolick, in the naam of God! Last
Sunday in the parish crutch, if my own ars may be trusted, the
clerk called the banes of marridge betwixt Opaniah Lashmeheygo,
and Tapitha Brample, spinster; he mought as well have called her
inkle-weaver, for she never spun and hank of yarn in her life --
Young 'squire Dollison and Miss Liddy make the second kipple; and
there might have been a turd, but times are changed with Mr
Clinker -- O Molly! what do'st think? Mr Clinker is found to be a
pye-blow of our own 'squire, and his rite naam is Mr Matthew Loyd
(thof God he nose how that can be); and he is now out of livery,
and wares ruffles -- but I new him when he was out at elbows, and
had not a rag to kiver his pistereroes; so he need not hold his
head so high -- He is for sartin very umble and compleasant, and
purtests as how he has the same regard as before; but that he is
no longer his own master, and cannot portend to marry without the
'squire's consent -- He says he must wait with patience, and trust
to Providence, and such nonsense -- But if so be as how his regard
be the same, why stand shilly shally? Why not strike while the
iron is hot, and speak to the 'squire without loss of time? What
subjection can the 'squire make to our coming together -- Thof my
father wan't a gentleman, my mother was an honest woman -- I didn't
come on the wrong side of the blanket, girl -- My parents were
marred according to the right of holy mother crutch, in the face
of men and angles -- Mark that, Mary Jones.

Mr Clinker (Loyd I would say) had best look to his tackle. There
be other chaps in the market, as the saying is -- What would he say
if I should except the soot and sarvice of the young squire's
valley? Mr Machappy is a gentleman born, and has been abroad in
the wars -- He has a world of buck larning, and speaks French, and
Ditch, and Scotch, and all manner of outlandish lingos; to be
sure he's a little the worse for the ware, and is much given to
drink; but then he's good-tempered in his liquor, and a prudent
woman mought wind him about her finger -- But I have no thoughts of
him, I'll assure you -- I scorn for to do, or to say, or to think
any thing that mought give unbreech to Mr Loyd, without furder
occasion -- But then I have such vapours, Molly I sit and cry by
myself, and take ass of etida, and smill to burnt fathers, and
kindal-snuffs; and I pray constantly for grease, that I may have
a glimpse of the new-light, to shew me the way through this
wretched veil of tares. And yet, I want for nothing in this family
of love, where every sole is so kind and so courteous, that wan
would think they are so many saints in haven. Dear Molly, I
recommend myself to your prayers, being, with my sarvice to Saul,

your ever loving,
and discounselled friend,
WIN. JENKINS
Oct. 14.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR DICK,

You cannot imagine what pleasure I have in seeing your hand-writing,
after such a long cessation on your side of our
correspondence -- Yet, Heaven knows, I have often seen your
hand-writing with disgust -- I mean, when it appeared in abbreviations
of apothecary's Latin -- I like your hint of making interest for
the reversion of the collector's place, for Mr Lismahago, who is
much pleased with the scheme, and presents you with his
compliments and best thanks for thinking so kindly of his
concerns -- The man seems to mend, upon further acquaintance. That
harsh reserve, which formed a disagreeable husk about his
character, begins to peel off in the course of our communication --
I have great hopes that he and Tabby will be as happily paired
as any two draught animals in the kingdom; and I make no doubt
but that he will prove a valuable acquisition to our little
society, in the article of conversation, by the fire-side in
winter.

Your objection to my passing this season of the year at such a
distance from home, would have more weight if I did not find
myself perfectly at my ease where I am; and my health so much
improved, that I am disposed to bid defiance to gout and
rheumatism -- I begin to think I have put myself on the
superannuated list too soon, and absurdly sought for health in
the retreats of laziness -- I am persuaded that all valetudinarians
are too sedentary, too regular, and too cautious -- We should
sometimes increase the motion of the machine, to unclog the
wheels of life; and now and then take a plunge amidst the waves
of excess, in order to caseharden the constitution. I have even
found a change of company
as necessary as a change of air, to promote a vigorous
circulation of the spirits, which is the very essence and
criterion of good health.

Since my last, I have been performing the duties of friendship,
that required a great deal of exercise, from which I hope to
derive some benefit -- Understanding, by the greatest accident in
the world, that Mr Baynard's wife was dangerously ill of a
pleuritic fever, I borrowed Dennison's post-chaise, and went
across the country to his habitation, attended only by Loyd
(quondam Clinker) on horseback. -- As the distance is not above
thirty miles, I arrived about four in the afternoon, and meeting
the physician at the door, was informed that his patient had just
expired. -- I was instantly seized with a violent emotion, but it
was not grief. -- The family being in confusion, I ran up stairs
into the chamber, where, indeed, they were all assembled. -- The
aunt stood wringing her hands in a kind of stupefaction of
sorrow, but my friend acted all the extravagancies of affliction --
He held the body in his arms, and poured forth such a
lamentation, that one would have thought he had lost the most
amiable consort and valuable companion upon earth.

Affection may certainly exist independent of esteem; nay, the
same object may be lovely in one respect, and detestable in
another -- The mind has a surprising faculty of accommodating, and
even attaching itself, in such a manner, by dint of use, to
things that are in their own nature disagreeable, and even
pernicious, that it cannot bear to be delivered from them without
reluctance and regret. Baynard was so absorbed in his delirium,
that he did not perceive me when I entered, and desired one of
the women to conduct the aunt into her own chamber. -- At the same
time I begged the tutor to withdraw the boy, who stood gaping in
a corner, very little affected with the distress of the scene. --
These steps being taken, I waited till the first violence of my
friend's transport was abated, then disengaged him gently from
the melancholy object, and led him by the hand into another
apartment; though he struggled so hard, that I was obliged to
have recourse to the assistance of his valet de chambre -- In a few
minutes, however, he recollected himself, and folding me in his
arms, 'This (cried he), is a friendly office, indeed! -- I know not
how you came hither; but, I think, Heaven sent you to prevent my
going distracted -- O Matthew! I have lost my dear Harriet! -- my
poor, gentle, tender creature, that loved me with such warmth and
purity of affection -- my constant companion of twenty years! She's
gone -- she's gone for ever! -- Heaven and earth! where is she? --
Death shall not part us!'

So saying, he started up, and could hardly be with-held from
returning to the scene we had quitted -- You will perceive it would
have been very absurd for me to argue with a man that talked so
madly. -- On all such occasions, the first torrent of passion must
be allowed to subside gradually. -- I endeavoured to beguile his
attention by starting little hints and insinuating other objects
of discourse imperceptibly; and being exceedingly pleased in my
own mind at this event, I exerted myself with such an
extraordinary flow of spirits as was attended with success. -- In a
few hours, he was calm enough to hear reason, and even to own
that Heaven could not have interposed more effectually to rescue
him from disgrace and ruin. -- That he might not, however, relapse
into weaknesses for want of company, I passed the night in his
chamber, in a little tent bed brought thither on purpose; and
well it was I took this precaution, for he started up in bed
several times, and would have played the fool, if I had not been
present.

Next day he was in a condition to talk of business, and vested me
with full authority over his household, which I began to exercise
without loss of time, tho' not before he knew and approved of the
scheme I had projected for his advantage. -- He would have quitted
the house immediately; but this retreat I opposed. -- Far from
encouraging a temporary disgust, which might degenerate into an
habitual aversion, I resolved, if possible, to attach him more
than ever to his Houshold Gods. -- I gave directions for the
funeral to be as private as was consistant with decency; I wrote
to London, that an inventory and estimate might be made of the
furniture and effects in his town-house, and gave notice to the
landlord, that Mr Baynard should quit the premises at Lady-day; I
set a person at work to take account of every thing in the
country-house, including horses, carriages, and harness; I
settled the young gentleman at a boarding-school, kept by a
clergyman in the neighbourhood, and thither he went without
reluctance, as soon as he knew that he was to be troubled no more
with his tutor, whom we dismissed. The aunt continued very
sullen, and never appeared at table, though Mr Baynard payed his
respects to her every day in her own chamber; there also she held
conferences with the waiting-women and other servants of the
family: but, the moment her niece was interred, she went away in
a post-chaise prepared for that purpose: she did not leave the
house, however, without giving Mr Baynard to understand, that the
wardrobe of her niece was the perquisite of her woman;
accordingly that worthless drab received all the clothes, laces,
and linen of her deceased mistress, to the value of five hundred
pounds, at a moderate computation.

The next step I took was to disband that legion of supernumerary
domestics, who had preyed so long upon the vitals of my friend:,
a parcel of idle drones, so intolerably insolent, that they even
treated their own master with the most contemptuous neglect. They
had been generally hired by his wife, according to the
recommendation of her woman, and these were the only patrons to
whom they payed the least deference. I had therefore uncommon
satisfaction in clearing the house of these vermin. The woman of
the deceased, and a chambermaid, a valet de chambre, a butler, a
French cook, a master gardener, two footmen and a coachman, I
payed off, and turned out of the house immediately, paying to
each a month's wages in lieu of warning. Those whom I retained,
consisted of the female cook, who had been assistant to the
Frenchman, a house maid, an old lacquey, a postilion, and
under-gardener. Thus I removed at once a huge mountain of expence and
care from the shoulders of my friend, who could hardly believe
the evidence of his own senses, when he found himself so suddenly
and so effectually relieved. His heart, however, was still
subject to vibrations of tenderness, which returned at certain
intervals, extorting sighs, and tears, and exclamations of grief
and impatience: but these fits grew every day less violent and
less frequent, 'till at length his reason obtained a complete
victory over the infirmities of his nature.

Upon an accurate enquiry into the state of his affairs, I find
his debts amount to twenty thousand pounds, for eighteen thousand
pounds of which sum his estate is mortgaged; and as he pays five
per cent. interest, and some of his farms are unoccupied, he does
not receive above two hundred pounds a year clear from his lands,
over and above the interest of his wife's fortune, which produced
eight hundred pounds annually. For lightening this heavy burthen,
I devised the following expedient. His wife's jewels, together
with his superfluous plate and furniture in both houses, his
horses and carriages, which are already advertised to be sold by
auction, will, according to the estimate, produce two thousand
five hundred pounds in ready money, with which the debt will be
immediately reduced to eighteen thousand pounds -- I have
undertaken to find him ten thousand pounds at four per cent. by
which means he will save one hundred a-year in the article of
interest, and perhaps we shall be able to borrow the other eight
thousand on the same terms. According to his own scheme of a
country life, he says he can live comfortably for three hundred
pounds a-year; but, as he has a son to educate, we will allow him
five hundred; then there will be an accumulating fund of seven
hundred a-year, principal and interest, to pay off the
incumbrance; and, I think, we may modestly add three hundred, on
the presumption of new-leasing and improving the vacant farms: so
that, in a couple of years, I suppose there will be above a
thousand a-year appropriated to liquidate a debt of sixteen
thousand.

We forthwith began to class and set apart the articles designed
for sale, under the direction of an upholder from London; and,
that nobody in the house might be idle, commenced our reformation
without doors, as well as within. With Baynard's good leave, I
ordered the gardener to turn the rivulet into its old channel, to
refresh the fainting Naiads, who had so long languished among
mouldring roots, withered leaves, and dry pebbles -- The shrubbery
is condemned to extirpation; and the pleasure ground will be
restored to its original use of corn-field and pasture -- Orders
are given for rebuilding the walls of the garden at the back of
the house, and for planting clumps of firs, intermingled with
beech and chestnut, at the east end, which is now quite exposed
to the surly blasts that come from that quarter. All these works
being actually begun, and the house and auction left to the care
and management of a reputable attorney, I brought Baynard along
with me in the chaise, and made him acquainted with Dennison,
whose goodness of heart would not fail to engage his esteem and
affection. -- He is indeed charmed with our society in general, and
declares that he never saw the theory of true pleasure reduced to
practice before. I really believe it would not be an easy task to
find such a number of individuals assembled under one roof, more
happy than we are at present.

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