The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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I must tell you, however, in confidence, I suspect Tabby of
tergiversation. -- I have been so long accustomed to that original,
that I know all the caprices of her heart, and can often perceive
her designs while they are yet in embrio -- She attached herself to
Lismahago for no other reason but that she despaired of making a
more agreeable conquest. At present, if I am not much mistaken in
my observation, she would gladly convert the widowhood of Baynard
to her own advantage. -- Since he arrived, she has behaved very
coldly to the captain, and strove to fasten on the other's heart,
with the hooks of overstrained civility. These must be the
instinctive efforts of her constitution, rather than the effects
of any deliberate design; for matters are carried to such a
length with the lieutenant, that she could not retract with any
regard to conscience or reputation. Besides, she will meet with
nothing but indifference or aversion on the side of Baynard, who
has too much sense to think of such a partner at any time, and
too much delicacy to admit a thought of any such connexion at the
present juncture -- Meanwhile, I have prevailed upon her to let him
have four thousand pounds at four per cent towards paying off his
mortage. Young Dennison has agreed that Liddy's fortune shall be
appropriated to the same purpose, on the same terms. -- His father
will sell out three thousand pounds stock for his accommodation. --
Farmer Bland has, at the desire of Wilson, undertaken for two
thousand; and I must make an effort to advance what further will
be required to take my friend out of the hands of the
Philistines. He is so pleased with the improvements made on his
estate, which is all cultivated like a garden, that he has
entered himself as a pupil in farming to Mr Dennison, and
resolved to attach himself wholly to the practice of husbandry.

Every thing is now prepared for our double wedding. The
marriage-articles for both couples are drawn and executed; and the
ceremony only waits until the parties shall have been resident in
the parish the term prescribed by law. Young Dennison betrays
some symptoms of impatience; but, Lismahago bears this necessary
delay with the temper of a philosopher. -- You must know, the
captain does not stand altogether on the foundation of personal
merit. Besides his half-pay, amounting to two and forty pounds a
year, this indefatigable oeconomist has amassed eight hundred
pounds, which he has secured in the funds. This sum arises partly
from his pay's running up while he remained among the Indians;
partly from what he received as a consideration for the
difference between his full appointment and the half-pay, to
which he is now restricted; and partly from the profits of a
little traffick he drove in peltry, during his sachemship among
the Miamis.

Liddy's fears and perplexities have been much assuaged by the
company of one Miss Willis, who had been her intimate companion
at the boarding-school. Her parents had been earnestly sollicited
to allow her making this friendly visit on such an extraordinary
occasion; and two days ago she arrived with her mother, who did
not chuse that she should come without a proper gouvernante. The
young lady is very sprightly, handsome, and agreeable, and the
mother a mighty good sort of a woman; so that their coming adds
considerably to our enjoyment. But we shall have a third couple
yoked in the matrimonial chain. Mr Clinker Loyd has made humble
remonstrance through the canal of my nephew, setting forth the
sincere love and affection mutually subsisting between him and
Mrs Winifred Jenkins, and praying my consent to their coming
together for life. I would have wished that Mr Clinker had kept
out of this scrape; but as the nymph's happiness is at stake, and
she has already some fits in the way of despondence, I, in order
to prevent any tragical catastrophe, have given him leave to play
the fool, in imitation of his betters; and I suppose we shall in
time have a whole litter of his progeny at Brambleton-hall. The
fellow is stout and lusty, very sober and conscientious; and the
wench seems to be as great an enthusiast in love as in religion.

I wish you would think of employing him some other way, that the
parish may not be overstocked -- you know he has been bred a
farrier, consequently belongs to the faculty; and as he is very
docile, I make no doubt but, with your good instruction, he may
be, in a little time, qualified to act as a Welch apothecary.
Tabby, who never did a favour with a good grace, has consented,
with great reluctance, to this match. Perhaps it hurts her pride,
as she now considers Clinker in the light of a relation; but, I
believe, her objections are of a more selfish nature. She
declares she cannot think of retaining the wife of Matthew Loyd
in the character of a servant; and she foresees, that on such an
occasion the woman will expect some gratification for her past
services. As for Clinker, exclusive of other considerations, he
is so trusty, brave, affectionate, and alert, and I owe him such
personal obligations, that he merits more than all the indulgence
that can possibly be shewn him, by

Yours,
MATT. BRAMBLE
Oct. 26.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, Bart. at Oxon.

DEAR KNIGHT,

The fatal knots are now tied. The comedy is near a close; and the
curtain is ready to drop: but, the latter scenes of this act I
shall recapitulate in order -- About a fortnight ago, my uncle made
an excursion across the country, and brought hither a particular
friend, one Mr Baynard, who has just lost his wife, and was for
some time disconsolate, though by all accounts he had much more
cause for joy than for sorrow at this event. -- His countenance,
however, clears up apace; and he appears to be a person of rare
accomplishments. -- But, we have received another still more
agreeable reinforcement to our company, by the arrival of Miss
Willis from Gloucester. She was Liddy's bosom friend at the
boarding-school, and being earnestly sollicited to assist at the
nuptials, her mother was so obliging as to grant my sister's
request, and even to come with her in person. Liddy, accompanied
by George Dennison and me, gave them the meeting halfway, and
next day conducted them hither in safety. Miss Willis is a
charming girl, and, in point of disposition, an agreeable
contrast to my sister, who is rather too grave and sentimental
for my turn of mind. The other is gay, frank, a little giddy, and
always good-humoured. She has, moreover, a genteel fortune, is
well born, and remarkably handsome. Ah Phillips! if these
qualities were permanent -- if her humour would never change, nor
her beauties decay, what efforts would I not make -- But these are
idle reflections -- my destiny must one day be fulfilled.

At present we pass the time as agreeably as we can. -- We have got
up several farces, which afforded unspeakable entertainment by
the effects they produced among the country people, who are
admitted to all our exhibitions. -- Two nights ago, Jack Wilson
acquired great applause in Harlequin Skeleton, and Lismahago
surprised us all in the character of Pierot. -- His long lank
sides, and strong marked features, were all peculiarly adapted to
his part. -- He appeared with a ludicrous stare, from which he had
discharged all meaning: he adopted the impressions of fear and
amazement so naturally, that many of the audience were infected
by his looks; but when the skeleton held him in chace his horror
became most divertingly picturesque, and seemed to endow him with
such praeternatural agility as confounded all the spectators. It
was a lively representation of Death in pursuit of Consumption,
and had such an effect upon the commonalty, that some of them
shrieked aloud, and others ran out of the hall in the utmost
consternation.

This is not the only instance in which the lieutenant has lately
excited our wonder. His temper, which had been soured and
shrivelled by disappointment and chagrin, is now swelled out, and
smoothed like a raisin in plumb-porridge. From being reserved and
punctilious, he is become easy and obliging. He cracks jokes,
laughs and banters, with the most facetious familiarity; and, in
a word, enters into all our schemes of merriment and pastime -- The
other day his baggage arrived in the waggon from London,
contained in two large trunks and a long deal box not unlike a
coffin. The trunks were filled with his wardrobe, which he
displayed for the entertainment of the company, and he freely
owned, that it consisted chiefly of the opima spolia taken in
battle. What he selected for his wedding suit, was a tarnished
white cloth faced with blue velvet, embroidered with silver; but,
he valued himself most upon a tye-periwig, in which he had made
his first appearance as a lawyer above thirty years ago. This
machine had been in buckle ever since, and now all the servants
in the family were employed to frizz it out for the occasion,
which was yesterday celebrated at the parish church. George
Dennison and his bride were distinguished by nothing
extraordinary in their apparel. His eyes lightened with eagerness
and joy, and she trembled with coyness and confusion. My uncle
gave her away, and her friend Willis supported her during the
ceremony.

But my aunt and her paramour took the pas, and formed, indeed,
such a pair of originals, as, I believe all England could not
parallel. She was dressed in the stile of 1739; and the day being
cold, put on a manteel of green velvet laced with gold: but this
was taken off by the bridegroom, who threw over her shoulders a
fur cloak of American sables, valued at fourscore guineas, a
present equally agreeable and unexpected. Thus accoutred, she was
led up to the altar by Mr Dennison, who did the office of her
father: Lismahago advanced in the military step with his French
coat reaching no farther than the middle of his thigh, his
campaign wig that surpasses all description, and a languishing
leer upon his countenance, in which there seemed to be something
arch and ironical. The ring, which he put upon her finger, he had
concealed till the moment it was used. He now produced it with an
air of self-complacency. It was a curious antique, set with rose
diamonds: he told us afterwards, it had been in the family two
hundred years and was a present from his grand-mother. These
circumstances agreeably flattered the pride of our aunt Tabitha,
which had already found uncommon gratification in the captain's
generosity; for he had, in the morning, presented my uncle with a
fine bear's skin, and a Spanish fowling-piece, and me with a case
of pistols curiously mounted with silver. At the same time he
gave Mrs Jenkins an Indian purse, made of silk grass, containing
twenty crown pieces. You must know, this young lady, with the
assistance of Mr Loyd, formed the third couple who yesterday
sacrificed to Hymen. I wrote to you in my last, that he had
recourse to my mediation, which I employed successfully with my
uncle; but Mrs Tabitha held out 'till the love-sick Jenkins had
two fits of the mother; then she relented, and those two cooing
turtles were caged for life -- Our aunt made an effort of
generosity in furnishing the bride with her superfluities of
clothes and linen, and her example was followed by my sister;
nor did Mr Bramble and I neglect her on this occasion. It was,
indeed, a day of peace-offering. -- Mr Dennison insisted upon
Liddy's accepting two bank notes of one hundred pounds each, as
pocket-money; and his lady gave her a diamond necklace of double
that value. There was, besides, a mutual exchange of tokens among
the individuals of the two families thus happily united.

As George Dennison and his partner were judged improper objects
of mirth, Jack Wilson had resolved to execute some jokes on
Lismahago, and after supper began to ply him with bumpers, when
the ladies had retired; but the captain perceiving his drift,
begged for quarter, alledging that the adventure, in which he had
engaged, was a very serious matter; and that it would be more the
part of a good Christian to pray that he might be strengthened,
than to impede his endeavours to finish the adventure. -- He was
spared accordingly, and permitted to ascend the nuptial couch
with all his senses about him. -- There he and his consort sat in
state, like Saturn and Cybele, while the benediction posset was
drank; and a cake being broken over the head of Mrs Tabitha
Lismahago, the fragments were distributed among the bystanders,
according to the custom of the antient Britons, on the
supposition that every person who eat of this hallowed cake,
should that night have a vision of the man or woman whom Heaven
designed should be his or her wedded mate.

The weight of Wilson's waggery fell upon honest Humphry and his
spouse, who were bedded in an upper room, with the usual ceremony
of throwing the stocking. -- This being performed, and the company
withdrawn, a sort of catterwauling ensued, when Jack found means
to introduce a real cat shod with walnut-shells, which galloping
along the boards, made such a dreadful noise as effectually
discomposed our lovers. -- Winifred screamed aloud, and shrunk
under the bed-cloaths -- Mr Loyd, believing that Satan was come to
buffet him in propria persona, laid aside all carnal thoughts,
and began to pray aloud with great fervency. -- At length, the poor
animal, being more afraid than either, leaped into the bed, and
meauled with the most piteous exclamation. -- Loyd, thus informed
of the nature of the annoyance, rose and set the door wide open,
so that this troublesome visitant retreated with great
expedition; then securing himself, by means of a double bolt,
from a second intrusion, he was left to enjoy his good fortune
without further disturbance.

If one may judge from the looks of the parties, they are all very
well satisfied with what has passed -- George Dennison and his wife
are too delicate to exhibit any strong marked signs of their
mutual satisfaction, but their eyes are sufficiently expressive --
Mrs Tabitha Lismahago is rather fulsome in signifying her
approbation of the captain's love; while his deportment is the
very pink of gallantry. -- He sighs, and ogles, and languishes at
this amiable object; he kisses her hand, mutters ejaculations of
rapture, and sings tender airs; and, no doubt, laughs internally
at her folly in believing him sincere. -- In order to shew how
little his vigour was impaired by the fatigues of the preceding
day, he this morning danced a Highland sarabrand over a naked
back-sword, and leaped so high, that I believe he would make no
contemptible figure as a vaulter at Sadler's Wells. -- Mr Matthew
Loyd, when asked how he relished his bargain, throws up his eyes,
crying, 'For what we have received, Lord make us thankful:
amen.' -- His helpmate giggles, and holds her hand before her eyes,
affecting to be ashamed of having been in bed with a man. -- Thus
all these widgeons enjoy the novelty of their situation; but,
perhaps their notes will be changed, when they are better
acquainted with the nature of the decoy.

As Mrs Willis cannot be persuaded to stay, and Liddy is engaged
by promise to accompany her daughter back to Gloucester, I fancy
there will be a general migration from hence, and that most of us
will spend the Christmas holidays at Bath; in which case, I shall
certainly find an opportunity to beat up your quarters. -- By this
time, I suppose, you are sick of alma mater, and even ready to
execute that scheme of peregrination, which was last year
concerted between you and

Your affectionate
J. MELFORD
Nov. 8.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR DOCTOR,

My niece Liddy is now happily settled for life; and captain
Lismahago has taken Tabby off my hands; so that I have nothing
further to do, but to comfort my friend Baynard, and provide for
my son Loyd, who is also fairly joined to Mrs Winifred Jenkins.
You are an excellent genius at hints. -- Dr Arbuthnot was but a
type of Dr Lewis in that respect. What you observe of the vestry-clerk
deserves consideration. -- I make no doubt but Matthew Loyd
is well enough qualified for the office; but, at present, you
must find room for him in the house. -- His incorruptible honesty
and indefatigable care will be serviceable in superintending the
oeconomy of my farm; tho' I don't mean that he shall interfere
with Barns, of whom I have no cause to complain. -- I am just
returned with Baynard, from a second trip to his house, where
every thing is regulated to his satisfaction. -- He could not,
however, review the apartments without tears and lamentation, so
that he is not yet in a condition to be left alone; therefore I
will not part with him till the spring, when he intends to plunge
into the avocations of husbandry, which will at once employ and
amuse his attention. -- Charles Dennison has promised to stay with
him a fortnight, to set him fairly afloat in his improvements;
and Jack Wilson will see him from time to time; besides, he has a
few friends in the country, whom his new plan of life will not
exclude from his society. -- In less than a year, I make no doubt,
but he will find himself perfectly at ease both in his mind and
body, for the one had dangerously affected the other; and I shall
enjoy the exquisite pleasure of seeing my friend rescued from
misery and contempt.

Mrs Willis being determined to return with her daughter, in a few
days, to Gloucester, our plan has undergone some alteration. Jery
has persuaded his brother-in-law to carry his wife to Bath; and I
believe his parents will accompany him thither. -- For my part, I
have no intention to take that route. -- It must be something very
extraordinary that will induce me to revisit either Bath or
London. -- My sister and her husband, Baynard and I, will take
leave of them at Gloucester, and make the best of our way to
Brambleton hall, where I desire you will prepare a good chine and
turkey for our Christmas dinner. -- You must also employ your
medical skill in defending me from the attacks of the gout, that
I may be in good case to receive the rest of our company, who
promise to visit us in their return from the Bath. -- As I have
laid in a considerable stock of health, it is to be hoped you
will not have much trouble with me in the way of physic, but I
intend to work you on the side of exercise. -- I have got an
excellent fowling-piece from Mr Lismahago, who is a keen
sportsman, and we shall take the heath in all weathers. -- That
this scheme of life may be prosecuted the more effectually, I
intend to renounce all sedentary amusements, particularly that of
writing long letters; a resolution, which, had I taken it sooner,
might have saved you the trouble which you have lately taken in
reading the tedious epistles of

MATT. BRAMBLE
NOV. 20.

To Mrs GWYLLIM, at Brambleton-hall.

GOOD MRS GWYLLIM,

Heaven, for wise porpuses, hath ordained that I should change my
name and citation in life, so that I am not to be considered any
more as manager of my brother's family; but as I cannot surrender
up my stewardship till I have settled with you and Williams, I
desire you will get your accunts ready for inspection, as we are
coming home without further delay. -- My spouse, the captain, being
subject to rummaticks, I beg you will take great care to have the
blew chamber, up two pair of stairs, well warmed for his
reception. -- Let the sashes be secured, the crevices stopt, the
carpets laid, and the beds well tousled. -- Mrs Loyd, late Jenkins,
being married to a relation of the family, cannot remain in the
capacity of a sarvant; therefore, I wish you would cast about for
some creditable body to be with me in her room -- If she can spin,
and is mistress of plain-work, so much the better -- but she must
not expect extravagant wages -- having a family of my own, I must
be more occumenical than ever. No more at present, but rests

Your loving friend,
TAB. LISMAHAGO
NOV. 20.

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall.

MRS JONES,

Providinch hath bin pleased to make great halteration in the
pasture of our affairs. -- We were yesterday three kiple chined, by
the grease of God, in the holy bands of mattermoney, and I now
subscrive myself Loyd at your sarvice. -- All the parish allowed
that young 'squire Dallison and his bride was a comely pear for
to see. -- As for madam Lashtniheygo, you nose her picklearities --
her head, to be sure, was fintastical; and her spouse had rapt
her with a long marokin furze cloak from the land of the
selvidges, thof they say it is of immense bally. -- The captain
himself had a huge hassock of air, with three tails, and a tum-
tawdry coat, boddered with sulfur. -- Wan said he was a monkey-bank;
and the ould bottler swore he was the born imich of
Titidall. -- For my part, I says nothing, being as how the captain
has done the handsome thing by me. -- Mr Loyd was dressed in a lite
frog, and checket with gould binding; and thof he don't enter in
caparison with great folks of quality, yet he has got as good
blood in his veins as arrow privat 'squire in the county; and
then his pursing is far from contentible. -- Your humble sarvant
had on a plain pea-green tabby sack, with my Runnela cap, ruff
toupee, and side curls. -- They said, I was the very moral of lady
Rickmanstone, but not so pale -- that may well be, for her ladyship
is my elder by seven good years and more. -- Now, Mrs Mary, our
satiety is to suppurate -- Mr Millfart goes to Bath along with the
Dallisons, and the rest of us push home to Wales, to pass our
Chrishmarsh at Brampleton-hall -- As our apartments is to be the
yallow pepper, in the thurd story, pray carry my things thither. --
Present my cumpliments to Mrs Gwyllim, and I hope she and I will
live upon dissent terms of civility. -- Being, by God's blessing,
removed to a higher spear, you'll excuse my being familiar with
the lower sarvants of the family; but, as I trust you'll behave
respectful, and keep a proper distance, you may always depend
upon the good will and purtection of

Yours,
W. LOYD
Nov. 20.

FINIS.

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