The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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Thus the number of people, and the number of houses continue to
increase; and this will ever be the case, till the streams that
swell this irresistible torrent of folly and extravagance, shall
either be exhausted, or turned into other channels, by incidents
and events which I do not pretend to foresee. This, I own, is a
subject on which I cannot write with any degree of patience; for
the mob is a monster I never could abide, either in its head,
tail, midriff, or members; I detest the whole of it, as a mass of
ignorance, presumption, malice and brutality; and, in this term
of reprobation, I include, without respect of rank, station, or
quality, all those of both sexes, who affect its manners, and
court its society.

But I have written till my fingers are crampt, and my nausea
begins to return -- By your advice, I sent to London a few days
ago for half a pound of Gengzeng; though I doubt much, whether
that which comes from America is equally efficacious with what is
brought from the East Indies. Some years ago a friend of mine
paid sixteen guineas for two ounces of it; and, in six months
after, it was sold in the same shop for five shillings the pound.
In short, we live in a vile world of fraud and sophistication; so
that I know nothing of equal value with the genuine friendship of
a sensible man; a rare jewel! which I cannot help thinking myself
in possession of, while I repeat the old declaration, that I am,
as usual,

Dear Lewis,
Your affectionate
M. BRAMBLE,

After having been agitated in a short hurricane, on my first
arrival, I have taken a small house in Milsham-street, where I am
tolerably well lodged, for five guineas a week. I was yesterday
at the Pump-room, and drank about a pint of water, which seems to
agree with my stomach; and to-morrow morning I shall bathe, for
the first time; so that in a few posts you may expect farther
trouble; mean while, I am glad to find that the inoculation
has succeeded so well with poor Joyce, and that her face will be
but little marked. If my friend Sir Thomas was a single man, I
would not trust such a handsome wench in his family; but as I
have recommended her, in a particular manner, to the protection
of lady G--, who is one of the best women in the world, she may
go thither without hesitation as soon as she is quite recovered
and fit for service -- Let her mother have money to provide her
with necessaries, and she may ride behind her brother on Bucks;
but you must lay strong injunctions on Jack, to take particular
care of the trusty old veteran, who has faithfully earned his
present ease by his past services.

To Miss WILLIS at Gloucester.
BATH, April 26.
MY DEAREST COMPANION,

The pleasure I received from yours, which came to hand yesterday,
is not to be expressed. Love and friendship are, without doubt,
charming passions; which absence serves only to heighten and
improve. Your kind present of the garnet bracelets, I shall keep
as carefully as I preserve my own life; and I beg you will accept,
in return, my heart-housewife, with the tortoise-shell
memorandum-book, as a trifling pledge of my unalterable
affection.

Bath is to me a new world -- All is gayety, good-humour, and
diversion. The eye is continually entertained with the splendour
of dress and equipage; and the ear with the sound of coaches,
chairs, and other carriages. The merry bells ring round, from
morn till night. Then we are welcomed by the city-waits in our
own lodgings; we have music in the Pump-room every morning,
cotillons every forenoon in the rooms, balls twice a week, and
concerts every other night, besides private assemblies and
parties without number -- As soon as we were settled in lodgings,
we were visited by the Master of the Ceremonies; a pretty little
gentleman, so sweet, so fine, so civil, and polite, that in our
country he might pass for the prince of Wales; then he talks so
charmingly, both in verse and prose, that you would be delighted
to hear him discourse; for you must know he is a great writer,
and has got five tragedies ready for the stage. He did us the
favour to dine with us, by my uncle's invitation; and next day
squired my aunt and me to every part of Bath; which, to be sure,
is an earthly paradise. The Square, the Circus, and the Parades,
put you in mind of the sumptuous palaces represented in prints
and pictures; and the new buildings, such as Princes-row,
Harlequin's-row, Bladud's-row, and twenty other rows, look like
so many enchanted castles, raised on hanging terraces.

At eight in the morning, we go in dishabille to the Pump-room
which is crowded like a Welsh fair; and there you see the highest
quality, and the lowest trades folks, jostling each other,
without ceremony, hail-fellow well-met. The noise of the music
playing in the gallery, the heat and flavour of such a crowd, and
the hum and buz of their conversation, gave me the head-ach and
vertigo the first day; but, afterwards, all these things became
familiar, and even agreeable. -- Right under the Pump-room
windows is the King's Bath; a huge cistern, where you see the
patients up to their necks in hot water. The ladies wear jackets
and petticoats of brown linen with chip hats, in which they fix
their handkerchiefs to wipe the sweat from their faces; but,
truly, whether it is owing to the steam that surrounds them, or
the heat of the water, or the nature of the dress, or to all
these causes together, they look so flushed, and so frightful,
that I always turn my eyes another way -- My aunt, who says every
person of fashion should make her appearance in the bath, as well
as in the abbey church, contrived a cap with cherry-coloured
ribbons to suit her complexion, and obliged Win to attend her
yesterday morning in the water. But, really, her eyes were so
red, that they made mine water as I viewed her from the Pump-room;
and as for poor Win, who wore a hat trimmed with blue, what
betwixt her wan complexion and her fear, she looked like the
ghost of some pale maiden, who had drowned herself for love. When
she came out of the bath, she took assafoetida drops, and was
fluttered all day; so that we could hardly keep her from going
into hysterics: but her mistress says it will do her good; and
poor Win curtsies, with the tears in her eyes. For my part, I
content myself with drinking about half a pint of the water every
morning.

The pumper, with his wife and servant, attend within a bar; and
the glasses, of different sizes, stand ranged in order before
them, so you have nothing to do but to point at that which you
choose, and it is filled immediately, hot and sparkling from the
pump. It is the only hot water I could ever drink, without being
sick -- Far from having that effect, it is rather agreeable to
the taste, grateful to the stomach, and reviving to the spirits.
You cannot imagine what wonderful cures it performs -- My uncle
began with it the other day; but he made wry faces in drinking,
and I'm afraid he will leave it off -- The first day we came to
Bath, he fell into a violent passion; beat two black-a-moors, and
I was afraid he would have fought with their master; but the
stranger proved a peaceable man. To be sure, the gout had got
into his head, as my aunt observed; but, I believe, his passion
drove it away; for he has been remarkably well ever since. It is
a thousand pities he should ever be troubled with that ugly
distemper; for, when he is free from pain, he is the best
tempered man upon earth; so gentle, so generous, so charitable,
that every body loves him; and so good to me, in particular, that
I shall never be able to shew the deep sense I have of his
tenderness and affection.

Hard by the Pump-room, is a coffee-house for the ladies; but my
aunt says, young girls are not admitted, insomuch as the
conversation turns upon politics, scandal, philosophy, and other
subjects above our capacity; but we are allowed to accompany them
to the booksellers' shops, which are charming places of resort;
where we read novels, plays, pamphlets, and newspapers, for so
small a subscription as a crown a quarter; and in these offices
of intelligence (as my brother calls them) all the reports of the
day, and all the private transactions of the Bath, are first
entered and discussed. From the bookseller's shop, we make a tour
through the milliners and toymen; and commonly stop at Mr Gill's,
the pastry-cook, to take a jelly, a tart, or a small bason of
vermicelli. There is, moreover, another place of entertainment on
the other side of the water, opposite to the Grove, to which the
company cross over in a boat -- It is called Spring-garden; a
sweet retreat, laid out in walks and ponds, and parterres of
flowers; and there is a long-room for breakfasting and dancing.
As the situation is low and damp, and the season has been
remarkably wet, my uncle won't suffer me to go thither, lest I
should catch cold: but my aunt says it is all a vulgar prejudice;
and, to be sure, a great many gentlemen and ladies of Ireland
frequent the place, without seeming to be the worse for it. They
say, dancing at Spring-gardens, when the air is moist, is
recommended to them as an excellent cure for the rheumatism. I
have been twice at the play; where, notwithstanding the
excellence of the performers, the gayety of the company, and the
decorations of the theatre, which are very fine, I could not help
reflecting, with a sigh, upon our poor homely representations at
Gloucester -- But this, in confidence to my dear Willis -- You
know my heart, and will excuse its weakness.

After all, the great scenes of entertainment at Bath, are the two
public rooms; where the company meet alternately every evening.
They are spacious, lofty, and, when lighted up, appear very
striking. They are generally crowded with well-dressed people,
who drink tea in separate parties, play at cards, walk, or sit
and chat together, just as they are disposed. Twice a-week there
is a ball; the expence of which is defrayed by a voluntary
subscription among the gentlemen; and every subscriber has three
tickets. I was there Friday last with my aunt, under the care of
my brother, who is a subscriber; and Sir Ulic Mackilligut
recommended his nephew, captain O Donaghan, to me as a partner;
but Jery excused himself, by saying I had got the head-ach; and,
indeed, it was really so, though I can't imagine how he knew it.
The place was so hot, and the smell so different from what we are
used to in the country, that I was quite feverish when we came
away. Aunt says it is the effect of a vulgar constitution, reared
among woods and mountains; and, that as I become accustomed to
genteel company, it will wear off. -- Sir Ulic was very
complaisant, made her a great many high-flown compliments; and,
when we retired, handed her with great ceremony to her chair. The
captain, I believe, would have done me the same favour; but my
brother seeing him advance, took me under his arm, and wished him
good night. The Captain is a pretty man, to be sure; tall and
strait, and well made; with light-grey eyes, and a Roman nose;
but there is a certain boldness in his look and manner, that puts
one out of countenance -- But I am afraid I have put you out of
all patience with this long unconnected scrawl; which I shall
therefore conclude, with assuring you, that neither Bath, nor
London, nor all the diversions of life, shall ever be able to
efface the idea of my dear Letty, from the heart of her ever
affectionate

LYDIA MELFORD

To Mrs MARY JONES, at Brambleton-hall.

DEAR MOLLY JONES,

Heaving got a frank, I now return your fever, which I received by
Mr Higgins, at the Hot Well, together with the stockings, which
his wife footed for me; but now they are of no survice. No body
wears such things in this place -- O Molly! you that live in the
country have no deception of our doings at Bath. Here is such
dressing, and fidling, and dancing, and gadding, and courting and
plotting -- O gracious! if God had not given me a good stock of
discretion, what a power of things might not I reveal, consarning
old mistress and young mistress; Jews with beards that were no
Jews; but handsome Christians, without a hair upon their sin,
strolling with spectacles, to get speech of Miss Liddy. But she's
a dear sweet soul, as innocent as the child unborn. She has tould
me all her inward thoughts, and disclosed her passion for Mr
Wilson; and that's not his name neither; and thof he acted among
the player-men, he is meat for their masters; and she has gi'en
me her yallow trollopea; which Mrs Drab, the mantymaker, says
will look very well when it is scowred and smoaked with silfur --
You knows as how, yallow fitts my fizzogmony. God he knows what
havock I shall make among the mail sex, when I make my first
appearance in this killing collar, with a full soot of gaze, as
good as new, that I bought last Friday of madam Friponeau, the
French mullaner -- Dear girl, I have seen all the fine shews of
Bath; the Prades, the Squires, and the Circlis, the Crashit, the
Hottogon, and Bloody Buildings, and Harry King's row; and I have
been twice in the Bath with mistress, and na'r a smoak upon our
backs, hussy. The first time I was mortally afraid, and flustered
all day; and afterwards made believe that I had got the heddick;
but mistress said, if I didn't go I should take a dose of
bumtaffy; and so remembering how it worked Mrs Gwyllim a
pennorth, I chose rather to go again with her into the Bath, and
then I met with an axident. I dropt my petticoat, and could not
get it up from the bottom.--But what did that signify; they
mought laff but they could see nothing; for I was up to the sin
in water. To be sure, it threw me into such a gumbustion, that I
know not what I said, nor what I did, nor how they got me out,
and rapt me in a blanket -- Mrs Tabitha scoulded a little when we
got home; but she knows as I know what's what Ah Laud help you! --
There is Sir Yury Micligut, of Balnaclinch, in the cunty of
Kalloway -- I took down the name from his gentleman, Mr 0 Frizzle,
and he has got an estate of fifteen hundred a year -- I am sure he
is both rich and generous--But you nose, Molly, I was always
famous for keeping secrets; and so he was very safe in trusting
me with his flegm for mistress; which, to be sure is very
honourable; for Mr 0 Frizzle assures me, he values not her
portion a brass varthing -- And, indeed, what's poor ten thousand
pounds to a Baron Knight of his fortune? and, truly, I told Mr 0
Frizzle that was all she had trust to -- As for John Thomas, he's a
morass fellor -- I vow, I thought he would a fit with Mr 0 Frizzle,
because he axed me to dance with him at Spring Garden -- But God he
knows I have no thoughts eyther of wan or t'other.

As for house news, the worst is, Chowder has fallen off greatly
from his stomick -- He cats nothing but white meats, and not much
of that; and wheezes, and seems to be much bloated. The doctors
think he is threatened with a dropsy -- Parson Marrofat, who has
got the same disorder, finds great benefit from the waters; but
Chowder seems to like them no better than the squire; and
mistress says, if his case don't take a favourable turn, she will
sartinly carry him to Aberga'ny, to drink goat's whey -- To be
sure, the poor dear honymil is lost for want of axercise; for
which reason, she intends to give him an airing once a-day upon
the Downs, in a post-chaise -- I have already made very creditable
connexions in this here place; where, to be sure, we have the
very squintasense of satiety -- Mrs Patcher, my lady Kilmacullock's
woman, and I are sworn sisters. She has shewn me all her secrets,
and learned me to wash gaze, and refrash rusty silks and
bumbeseens, by boiling them with winegar, chamberlye, and stale
beer. My short sack and apron luck as good as new from the shop,
and my pumpydoor as fresh as a rose, by the help of turtle-water --
But this is all Greek and Latten to you, Molly -- If we should
come to Aberga'ny, you'll be within a day's ride of us; and then
we shall see wan another, please God -- If not, remember me in your
prayers, as I shall do by you in mine; and take care of my
kitten, and give my kind sarvice to Sall; and this is all at
present, from your beloved friend and sarvent,

W. JENKINS
BATH, April 26.

To Mrs GWYLLIM, house-keeper at Brambleton-hall.

I am astonished that Dr Lewis should take upon him to give away
Alderney, without my privity and concurrants -- What signifies my
brother's order? My brother is little better than Noncompush. He
would give away the shirt off his back, and the teeth out of his
head; nay, as for that matter; he would have ruinated the family
with his ridiculous charities, if it had not been for my four
quarters -- What between his willfullness and his waste, his
trumps, and his frenzy, I lead the life of an indented slave.
Alderney gave four gallons a-day, ever since the calf was sent to
market. There is so much milk out of my dairy, and the press must
stand still: but I won't loose a cheese pairing; and the milk
shall be made good, if the sarvents should go without butter. If
they must needs have butter, let them make it of sheep's milk;
but then my wool will suffer for want of grace; so that I must be
a loser on all sides. Well, patience is like a stout Welsh poney;
it bears a great deal, and trots a great way; but it will tire at
the long run. Before its long, perhaps I may shew Matt, that I
was not born to be the household drudge to my dying day -- Gwyn
rites from Crickhowel, that the price of flannel is fallen three-
farthings an ell; and that's another good penny out of my pocket.
When I go to market to sell, my commodity stinks; but when I want
to buy the commonest thing, the owner pricks it up under my nose;
and it can't be had for love nor money -- I think everything runs
cross at Brambleton-hall -- You say the gander has broke the eggs;
which is a phinumenon I don't understand: for when the fox
carried off the old goose last year, he took her place, and
hatched the eggs, and partected the goslings like a tender
parent -- Then you tell me the thunder has soured two barrels of
beer in the seller. But how the thunder should get there, when
the seller was double-locked, I can't comprehend. Howsomever, I
won't have the beer thrown out, till I see it with my own eyes.
Perhaps, it will recover -- At least it will serve for vinegar to
the servants. -- You may leave off the fires in my brother's
chamber and mine, as it is unsartain when we return. -- I hope,
Gwyllim, you'll take care there is no waste; and have an eye to
the maids, and keep them to their spinning. I think they may go
very well without beer in hot weather -- it serves only to inflame
the blood, and set them a-gog after the men. Water will make them
fair and keep them cool and tamperit. Don't forget to put up in
the portmantel, that cums with Williams, along with my riding-habit,
hat, and feather, the viol of purl water, and the tincktur
for my stomach; being as how I am much troubled with
flutterencies. This is all at present, from

Yours,
TABITHA BRAMBLE
BATH, April 26.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR DICK,

I have done with the waters; therefore your advice comes a day
too late I grant that physic is no mystery of your making. I know
it is a mystery in its own nature; and, like other mysteries,
requires a strong gulp of faith to make it go down -- Two days ago,
I went into the King's Bath, by the advice of our friend
Ch--, in order to clear the strainer of the skin, for the benefit
of a free perspiration; and the first object that saluted my eye,
was a child full of scrophulous ulcers, carried in the arms of
one of the guides, under the very noses of the bathers. I was so
shocked at the sight, that I retired immediately with indignation
and disgust -- Suppose the matter of those ulcers, floating on the
water, comes in contact with my skin, when the pores are all
open, I would ask you what must be the consequence? -- Good
Heaven, the very thought makes my blood run cold! we know not
what sores may be running into the water while we are bathing,
and what sort of matter we may thus imbibe; the king's-evil, the
scurvy, the cancer, and the pox; and, no doubt, the heat will
render the virus the more volatile and penetrating. To purify
myself from all such contamination, I went to the duke of
Kingston's private Bath, and there I was almost suffocated for
want of free air; the place was so small, and the steam so
stifling.

After all, if the intention is no more than to wash the skin, I
am convinced that simple element is more effectual than any water
impregnated with salt and iron; which, being astringent, will
certainly contract the pores, and leave a kind of crust upon the
surface of the body. But I am now as much afraid of drinking, as
of bathing; for, after a long conversation with the Doctor, about
the construction of the pump and the cistern, it is very far from
being clear with me, that the patients in the Pump-room don't
swallow the scourings of the bathers. I can't help suspecting,
that there is, or may be, some regurgitation from the bath into
the cistern of the pump. In that case, what a delicate beveridge
is every day quaffed by the drinkers; medicated with the sweat
and dirt, and dandriff; and the abominable discharges of various
kinds, from twenty different diseased bodies, parboiling in the
kettle below. In order to avoid this filthy composition, I had
recourse to the spring that supplies the private baths on the
Abbey-green; but I at once perceived something extraordinary in
the taste and smell; and, upon inquiry, I find that the Roman
baths in this quarter, were found covered by an old burying
ground, belonging to the Abbey; through which, in all
probability, the water drains in its passage; so that as we drink
the decoction of living bodies at the Pump-room, we swallow the
strainings of rotten bones and carcasses at the private bath. I
vow to God, the very idea turns my stomach! Determined, as I am,
against any farther use of the Bath waters, this consideration
would give me little disturbance, if I could find any thing more
pure, or less pernicious, to quench my thirst; but, although the
natural springs of excellent water are seen gushing spontaneous
on every side, from the hills that surround us, the inhabitants,
in general, make use of well-water, so impregnated with nitre, or
alum, or some other villainous mineral, that it is equally
ungrateful to the taste, and mischievous to the constitution. It
must be owned, indeed, that here, in Milsham-street, we have a
precarious and scanty supply from the hill; which is collected in
an open bason in the Circus, liable to be defiled with dead dogs,
cats, rats, and every species of nastiness, which the rascally
populace may throw into it, from mere wantonness and brutality.
Well, there is no nation that drinks so hoggishly as the English.

What passes for wine among us, is not the juice of the grape. It
is an adulterous mixture, brewed up of nauseous ingredients, by
dunces, who are bunglers in the art of poison-making; and yet we,
and our forefathers, are and have been poisoned by this cursed
drench, without taste or flavour -- The only genuine and wholesome
beveridge in England, is London porter, and Dorchester table-beer;
but as for your ale and your gin, your cyder and your
perry, and all the trashy family of made wines, I detest them as
infernal compositions, contrived for the destruction of the human
species -- But what have I to do with the human species? except a
very few friends, I care not if the whole was --.

Heark ye, Lewis, my misanthropy increases every day -- The longer I
live, I find the folly and the fraud of mankind grow more and
more intolerable -- I wish I had not come from Brambletonhall;
after having lived in solitude so long, I cannot bear the hurry
and impertinence of the multitude; besides, every thing is
sophisticated in these crowded places. Snares are laid for our
lives in every thing we cat or drink: the very air we breathe, is
loaded with contagion. We cannot even sleep, without risque of
infection. I say, infection -- This place is the rendezvous of the
diseased -- You won't deny, that many diseases are infectious; even
the consumption itself, is highly infectious. When a person dies
of it in Italy, the bed and bedding are destroyed; the other
furniture is exposed to the weather and the apartment white-washed,
before it is occupied by any other living soul. You'll
allow, that nothing receives infection sooner, or retains it
longer, than blankets, feather-beds, and matrasses -- 'Sdeath! how
do I know what miserable objects have been stewing in the bed
where I now lie! -- I wonder, Dick, you did not put me in mind of
sending for my own matrasses -- But, if I had not been an ass, I
should not have needed a remembrancer -- There is always some
plaguy reflection that rises up in judgment against me, and
ruffles my spirits -- Therefore, let us change the subject.

I have other reasons for abridging my stay at Bath -- You know
sister Tabby's complexion -- If Mrs Tabitha Bramble had been of any
other race, I should certainly have considered her as the most --.
But, the truth is, she has found means to interest my affection;
or, rather, she is beholden to the force of prejudice, commonly
called the ties of blood. Well, this amiable maiden has actually
commenced a flirting correspondence with an Irish baronet of
sixty-five. His name is Sir Ulic Mackilligut. He is said to be
much out at elbows; and, I believe, has received false
intelligence with respect to her fortune. Be that as it may, the
connexion is exceedingly ridiculous, and begins already to excite
whispers. For my part, I have no intention to dispute her free-agency;
though I shall fall upon some expedient to undeceive her
paramour, as to the point which he has principally in view. But I
don't think her conduct is a proper example for Liddy, who has
also attracted the notice of some coxcombs in the Rooms; and Jery
tells me, he suspects a strapping fellow, the knight's nephew, of
some design upon the girl's heart. I shall, therefore, keep a
strict eye over her aunt and her, and even shift the scene, if I
find the matter grow more serious -- You perceive what an agreeable
task it must be, to a man of my kidney, to have the cure of such
souls as these. -- But, hold, You shall not have another peevish
word (till the next occasion) from

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