The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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Yours,
MATT. BRAMBLE
BATH, April 28.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR KNIGHT,

I think those people are unreasonable, who complain that Bath is
a contracted circle, in which the same dull scenes perpetually
revolve, without variation -- I am, on the contrary, amazed to find
so small a place so crowded with entertainment and variety.
London itself can hardly exhibit one species of diversion, to
which we have not something analogous at Bath, over and above
those singular advantages that are peculiar to the place. Here,
for example, a man has daily opportunities of seeing the most
remarkable characters of the community. He sees them in their
natural attitudes and true colours; descended from their
pedestals, and divested of their formal draperies, undisguised by
art and affectation -- Here we have ministers of state, judges,
generals, bishops, projectors, philosophers, wits, poets,
players, chemists, fiddlers, and buffoons. If he makes any
considerable stay in the place, he is sure of meeting with some
particular friend, whom he did not expect to see; and to me there
is nothing more agreeable than such casual reencounters. Another
entertainment, peculiar to Bath, arises from the general mixture
of all degrees assembled in our public rooms, without distinction
of rank or fortune. This is what my uncle reprobates, as a
monstrous jumble of heterogeneous principles; a vile mob of noise
and impertinence, without decency or subordination. But this
chaos is to me a source of infinite amusement.

I was extremely diverted last ball-night to see the Master of the
Ceremonies leading, with great solemnity, to the upper end of the
room, an antiquated Abigail, dressed in her lady's cast-clothes;
whom he (I suppose) mistook for some countess just arrived at the
Bath. The ball was opened by a Scotch lord, with a mulatto
heiress from St Christopher's; and the gay colonel Tinsel danced
all the evening with the daughter of an eminent tinman from the
borough of Southwark. Yesterday morning, at the Pump-room, I saw a
broken-winded Wapping landlady squeeze through a circle of peers,
to salute her brandy-merchant, who stood by the window, propped
upon crutches; and a paralytic attorney of Shoe-lane, in
shuffling up to the bar, kicked the shins of the chancellor of
England, while his lordship, in a cut bob, drank a glass of water
at the pump. I cannot account for my being pleased with these
incidents, any other way, than by saying they are truly
ridiculous in their own nature, and serve to heighten the humour
in the farce of life, which I am determined to enjoy as long as I
can.

Those follies, that move my uncle's spleen, excite my laughter.
He is as tender as a man without a skin; who cannot bear the
slightest touch without flinching. What tickles another would
give him torment; and yet he has what we may call lucid
intervals, when he is remarkably facetious -- Indeed, I never knew
a hypochondriac so apt to be infected with good-humour. He is the
most risible misanthrope I ever met with. A lucky joke, or any
ludicrous incident, will set him a-laughing immoderately, even in
one of his most gloomy paroxysms; and, when the laugh is over, he
will curse his own imbecility. In conversing with strangers, he
betrays no marks of disquiet -- He is splenetic with his familiars
only; and not even with them, while they keep his attention
employed; but when his spirits are not exerted externally, they
seem to recoil and prey upon himself -- He has renounced the waters
with execration; but he begins to find a more efficacious, and,
certainly, a much more palatable remedy in the pleasures of
society. He has discovered some old friends, among the invalids
of Bath; and, in particular, renewed his acquaintance with the
celebrated James Quin, who certainly did not come here to drink
water. You cannot doubt, but that I had the strongest curiosity
to know this original; and it was gratified by Mr Bramble, who
has had him twice at our house to dinner.

So far as I am able to judge, Quin's character is rather more
respectable than it has been generally represented. His bon mots
are in every witling's mouth; but many of them have a rank
flavour, which one would be apt to think was derived from a
natural grossness of idea. I suspect, however, that justice has
not been done the author, by the collectors of those Quiniana;
who have let the best of them slip through their fingers, and
only retained such as were suited to the taste and organs of the
multitude. How far he may relax in his hours of jollity, I cannot
pretend to say; but his general conversation is conducted by the
nicest rules of Propriety; and Mr James Quin is, certainly, one
of the best bred men in the kingdom. He is not only a most
agreeable companion but (as I am credibly informed) a very honest
man; highly susceptible of friendship, warm, steady, and even
generous in his attachments, disdaining flattery, and incapable
of meanness and dissimulation. Were I to judge, however, from
Quin's eye alone, I should take him to be proud, insolent, and
cruel. There is something remarkably severe and forbidding in his
aspect; and, I have been told, he was ever disposed to insult his
inferiors and dependants. -- Perhaps that report has influenced my
opinion of his looks -- You know we are the fools of prejudice.
Howsoever that may be, I have as yet seen nothing but his
favourable side, and my uncle, who frequently confers with him,
in a corner, declares he is one of the most sensible men he ever
knew -- He seems to have a reciprocal regard for old Squaretoes,
whom he calls by the familiar name of Matthew, and often reminds
of their old tavern-adventures: on the other hand, Matthew's eyes
sparkle whenever Quin makes his appearance -- Let him be never so
jarring and discordant, Quin puts him in tune; and, like treble
and bass in the same concert, they make excellent music together --.
T'other day, the conversation turning upon Shakespeare, I could
not help saying, with some emotion, that I would give an hundred
guineas to see Mr Quin act the part of Falstaff; upon which,
turning to me with a smile, 'And I would give a thousand, young
gentleman (said he) that I could gratify your longing.' My uncle
and he are perfectly agreed in their estimate of life; which Quin
says, would stink in his nostrils, if he did not steep it in
claret.

I want to see this phenomenon in his cups; and have almost
prevailed upon uncle to give him a small turtle at the Bear. In
the mean time, I must entertain you with an incident, that seems
to confirm the judgment of those two cynic philosophers. I took
the liberty to differ in opinion from Mr Bramble, when he
observed, that the mixture of people in the entertainments of
this place was destructive of all order and urbanity; that it
rendered the plebeians insufferably arrogant and troublesome, and
vulgarized the deportment and sentiments of those who moved in
the upper spheres of life. He said such a preposterous coalition
would bring us into contempt with all our neighbours; and was
worse, in fact, than debasing the gold coin of the nation. I
argued, on the contrary, that those plebeians who discovered such
eagerness to imitate the dress and equipage of their superiors,
would likewise, in time, adopt their maxims and their manners, be
polished by their conversation, and refined by their example; but
when I appealed to Mr Quin, and asked if he did not think that
such an unreserved mixture would improve the whole mass? 'Yes
(said he) as a plate of marmalade would improve a pan of
sirreverence.'

I owned I was not much conversant in high-life, but I had seen
what were called polite assemblies in London and elsewhere; that
those of Bath seemed to be as decent as any; and that, upon the
whole, the individuals that composed it, would not be found
deficient in good manners and decorum. 'But let us have recourse
to experience (said I) -- Jack Holder, who was intended for a
parson, has succeeded to an estate of two thousand a year, by the
death of his elder brother. He is now at the Bath, driving about
in a phaeton and four, with French horns. He has treated with
turtle and claret at all the taverns in Bath and Bristol, till
his guests are gorged with good chear: he has bought a dozen
suits of fine clothes, by the advice of the Master of the
Ceremonies, under whose tuition he has entered himself. He has
lost hundreds at billiards to sharpers, and taken one of the
nymphs of Avon-street into keeping; but, finding all these
channels insufficient to drain him of his current cash, his
counsellor has engaged him to give a general tea-drinking to-morrow
at Wiltshire's room. In order to give it the more eclat,
every table is to be furnished with sweet-meats and nosegays;
which, however, are not to be touched till notice is given by the
ringing of a bell, and then the ladies may help themselves
without restriction. This will be no bad way of trying the
company's breeding.'

'I will abide by that experiment (cried my uncle) and if I could
find a place to stand secure, without the vortex of the tumult,
which I know will ensue, I would certainly go thither and enjoy
the scene.' Quin proposed that we should take our station in the
music-gallery, and we took his advice. Holder had got thither
before us, with his horns perdue, but we were admitted. The tea-drinking
passed as usual, and the company having risen from the
tables, were sauntering in groupes, in expectation of the signal
for attack, when the bell beginning to ring, they flew with
eagerness to the dessert, and the whole place was instantly in
commotion. There was nothing but justling, scrambling, pulling,
snatching, struggling, scolding, and screaming. The nosegays were
torn from one another's hands and bosoms; the glasses and china
went to wreck; the tables and floors were strewed with comfits.
Some cried; some swore; and the tropes and figures of
Billingsgate were used without reserve in all their native zest
and flavour; nor were those flowers of rhetoric unattended with
significant gesticulation. Some snapped their fingers; some
forked them out; some clapped their hands, and some their back-sides;
at length, they fairly proceeded to pulling caps, and
every thing seemed to presage a general battle; when Holder
ordered his horns to sound a charge, with a view to animate the
combatants, and inflame the contest; but this manoeuvre produced
an effect quite contrary to what he expected. It was a note of
reproach that roused them to an immediate sense of their
disgraceful situation. They were ashamed of their absurd
deportment, and suddenly desisted. They gathered up their caps,
ruffles, and handkerchiefs; and great part of them retired in
silent mortification.

Quin laughed at this adventure; but my uncle's delicacy was hurt.
He hung his head in manifest chagrin, and seemed to repine at the
triumph of his judgment -- Indeed, his victory was more complete
than he imagined; for, as we afterwards learned, the two amazons
who singularized themselves most in the action, did not come from
the purlieus of Puddle-dock, but from the courtly neighbourhood
of St James's palace. One was a baroness, and the other, a
wealthy knight's dowager -- My uncle spoke not a word, till we had
made our retreat good to the coffee-house; where, taking off his
hat and wiping his forehead, 'I bless God (said he) that Mrs
Tabitha Bramble did not take the field today!' 'I would pit her
for a cool hundred (cried Quin) against the best shake-bag of the
whole main.' The truth is, nothing could have kept her at home
but the accident of her having taken physic before she knew the
nature of the entertainment. She has been for some days
furbishing up an old suit of black velvet, to make her appearance
as Sir Ulic's partner at the next ball.

I have much to say of this amiable kinswoman; but she has not
been properly introduced to your acquaintance. She is remarkably
civil to Mr Quin; of whose sarcastic humour she seems to stand in
awe; but her caution is no match for her impertinence. 'Mr Gwynn
(said she the other day) I was once vastly entertained with your
playing the Ghost of Gimlet at Drury-lane, when you rose up
through the stage, with a white face and red eyes, and spoke of
quails upon the frightful porcofine -- Do, pray, spout a little the
Ghost of Gimlet.' 'Madam (said Quin, with a glance of ineffable
disdain) the Ghost of Gimlet is laid, never to rise again' --
Insensible of this check, she proceeded: 'Well, to be sure, you
looked and talked so like a real ghost; and then the cock crowed
so natural. I wonder how you could teach him to crow so exact, in
the very nick of time; but, I suppose, he's game -- An't he game,
Mr Gwynn?' 'Dunghill, madam.' -- 'Well, dunghill, or not dunghill,
he has got such a clear counter-tenor, that I wish I had such
another at Brambleton-hall, to wake the maids of a morning. Do
you know where I could find one of his brood?' 'Probably in the
work-house at St Giles's parish, madam; but I protest I know not
his particular mew!' My uncle, frying with vexation, cried, 'Good
God, sister, how you talk! I have told you twenty times, that
this gentleman's name is not Gwynn.' -- 'Hoity toity, brother mine
(she replied) no offence, I hope -- Gwynn is an honorable name, of
true old British extraction -- I thought the gentleman had been
come of Mrs Helen Gwynn, who was of his own profession; and if so
be that were the case, he might be of king Charles's breed, and
have royal blood in his veins.' -- 'No, madam (answered Quin, with
great solemnity) my mother was not a whore of such distinction --
True it is, I am sometimes tempted to believe myself of royal
descent; for my inclinations are often arbitrary -- If I was an
absolute prince, at this instant, I believe I should send for the
head of your cook in a charger -- She has committed felony, on the
person of that John Dory, which is mangled in a cruel manner, and
even presented without sauce -- O tempora! O mores!'

This good-humoured sally turned the conversation into a less
disagreeable channel -- But, lest you should think my scribble as
tedious as Mrs Tabby's clack, I shall not add another word, but
that I am as usual

Yours,
J. MELFORD
BATH, April 30.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR LEWIS,

I received your bill upon Wiltshire, which was punctually
honoured; but as I don't choose to keep so much cash by me, in a
common lodging house, I have deposited 250l. in the bank of Bath,
and shall take their bills for it in London, when I leave this
place, where the season draws to an end -- You must know, that now
being a-foot, I am resolved to give Liddy a glimpse of London.
She is one of the best hearted creatures I ever knew, and gains
upon my affection every day -- As for Tabby, I have dropt such
hints to the Irish baronet, concerning her fortune, as, I make no
doubt, will cool the ardour of his addresses. Then her pride will
take the alarm; and the rancour of stale maidenhood being chafed,
we shall hear nothing but slander and abuse of Sir Ulic
Mackilligut -- This rupture, I foresee, will facilitate our
departure from Bath; where, at present, Tabby seems to enjoy
herself with peculiar satisfaction. For my part, I detest it so
much, that I should not have been able to stay so long in the
place if I had not discovered some old friends; whose
conversation alleviates my disgust -- Going to the coffeehouse one
forenoon, I could not help contemplating the company, with equal
surprize and compassion -- We consisted of thirteen individuals;
seven lamed by the gout, rheumatism, or palsy; three maimed by
accident; and the rest either deaf or blind. One hobbled, another
hopped, a third dragged his legs after him like a wounded snake,
a fourth straddled betwixt a pair of long crutches, like the
mummy of a felon hanging in chains; a fifth was bent into a
horizontal position, like a mounted telescope, shoved in by a
couple of chairmen; and a sixth was the bust of a man, set
upright in a wheel machine, which the waiter moved from place to
place.

Being struck with some of their faces, I consulted the
subscription-book; and, perceiving the names of several old
friends, began to consider the groupe with more attention. At
length I discovered rear-admiral Balderick, the companion of my
youth, whom I had not seen since he was appointed lieutenant of
the Severn. He was metamorphosed into an old man, with a wooden
leg and a weatherbeaten face, which appeared the more ancient
from his grey locks, that were truly venerable -- Sitting down at
the table, where he was reading a news-paper, I gazed at him for
some minutes, with a mixture of pleasure and regret, which made
my heart gush with tenderness; then, taking him by the hand, 'Ah,
Sam (said I) forty years ago I little thought' -- I was too much
moved to proceed. 'An old friend, sure enough! (cried he,
squeezing my hand, and surveying me eagerly through his glasses)
I know the looming of the vessel, though she has been hard
strained since we parted; but I can't heave up the name' -- The
moment I told him who I was, he exclaimed, 'Ha! Matt, my old
fellow cruizer, still afloat!' And, starting up, hugged me in his
arms. His transport, however, boded me no good; for, in saluting
me, he thrust the spring of his spectacles into my eye, and, at
the same time, set his wooden stump upon my gouty toe; an attack
that made me shed tears in sad earnest -- After the hurry of our
recognition was over, he pointed out two of our common friends in
the room: the bust was what remained of colonel Cockril, who had
lost the use of his limbs in making an American campaign; and the
telescope proved to be my college chum, sir Reginald Bently; who,
with his new title, and unexpected inheritance, commenced fox-hunter,
without having served his apprenticeship to the mystery;
and, in consequence of following the hounds through a river, was
seized with an inflammation of his bowels, which has contracted
him into his present attitude.

Our former correspondence was forthwith renewed, with the most
hearty expressions of mutual good-will, and as we had met so
unexpectedly, we agreed to dine together that very day at the
tavern. My friend Quin, being luckily unengaged, obliged us with
his company; and, truly, this the most happy day I have passed
these twenty years. You and I, Lewis, having been always
together, never tasted friendship in this high gout, contracted
from long absence. I cannot express the half of what I felt at
this casual meeting of three or four companions, who had been so
long separated, and so roughly treated by the storms of life. It
was a renovation of youth; a kind of resuscitation of the dead,
that realized those interesting dreams, in which we sometimes
retrieve our ancient friends from the grave. Perhaps my enjoyment
was not the less pleasing for being mixed with a strain of
melancholy, produced by the remembrance of past scenes, that
conjured up the ideas of some endearing connexions, which the
hand of Death has actually dissolved.

The spirits and good humour of the company seemed to triumph over
the wreck of their constitutions. They had even philosophy enough
to joke upon their own calamities; such is the power of
friendship, the sovereign cordial of life -- I afterwards found,
however, that they were not without their moments, and even hours
of disquiet. Each of them apart, in succeeding conferences,
expatiated upon his own particular grievances; and they were all
malcontents at bottom -- Over and above their personal disasters,
they thought themselves unfortunate in the lottery of life.
Balderick complained, that all the recompence he had received for
his long and hard service, was the half-pay of a rear-admiral.
The colonel was mortified to see himself over-topped by upstart
generals, some of whom he had once commanded; and, being a man of
a liberal turn, could ill put up with a moderate annuity, for
which he had sold his commission. As for the baronet, having run
himself considerably in debt, on a contested election, he has
been obliged to relinquish his seat in parliament, and his seat
in the country at the same time, and put his estate to nurse; but
his chagrin, which is the effect of his own misconduct, does not
affect me half so much as that of the other two, who have acted
honourable and distinguished parts on the great theatre, and are
now reduced to lead a weary life in this stew-pan of idleness and
insignificance. They have long left off using the waters, after
having experienced their inefficacy. The diversions of the place
they are not in a condition to enjoy. How then do they make shift
to pass their time? In the forenoon they crawl out to the Rooms
or the coffeehouse, where they take a hand at whist, or descant
upon the General Advertiser; and their evenings they murder in
private parties, among peevish invalids, and insipid old women --
This is the case with a good number of individuals, whom nature
seems to have intended for better purposes.

About a dozen years ago, many decent families, restricted to
small fortunes, besides those that came hither on the score of
health, were tempted to settle at Bath, where they could then
live comfortably, and even make a genteel appearance, at a small
expence: but the madness of the times has made the place too hot
for them, and they are now obliged to think of other migrations --
Some have already fled to the mountains of Wales, and others have
retired to Exeter. Thither, no doubt, they will be followed by
the flood of luxury and extravagance, which will drive them from
place to place to the very Land's End; and there, I suppose, they
will be obliged to ship themselves to some other country. Bath is
become a mere sink of profligacy and extortion. Every article of
house-keeping is raised to an enormous price; a circumstance no
longer to be wondered at, when we know that every petty retainer
of fortune piques himself upon keeping a table, and thinks it is
for the honour of his character to wink at the knavery of his
servants, who are in a confederacy with the market-people; and,
of consequence, pay whatever they demand. Here is now a mushroom
of opulence, who pays a cook seventy guineas a week for
furnishing him with one meal a day. This portentous frenzy is
become so contagious, that the very rabble and refuse of mankind
are infected. I have known a negro-driver, from Jamaica, pay
over-night, to the master of one of the rooms, sixty-five guineas
for tea and coffee to the company, and leave Bath next morning,
in such obscurity, that not one of his guests had the slightest
idea of his person, or even made the least inquiry about his
name. Incidents of this kind are frequent; and every day teems
with fresh absurdities, which are too gross to make a thinking
man merry.

-- But I feel the spleen creeping on me apace; and therefore will
indulge you with a cessation, that you may have no unnecessary
cause to curse your correspondence with,

Dear Dick,
Yours ever,
MAT. BRAMBLE
BATH, May 5.

To Miss LAETITIA WILLIS, at Gloucester.

MY DEAR LETTY,

I wrote you at great length by the post, the twenty-sixth of last
month, to which I refer you for an account of our proceedings at
Bath; and I expect your answer with impatience. But, having this
opportunity of a private hand, I send you two dozen of Bath
rings; six of the best of which I desire you will keep for
yourself, and distribute the rest among the young ladies, our
common friends, as you shall think proper -- I don't know how you
will approve of the mottoes; some of them are not much to my own
liking; but I was obliged to take such as I could find ready
manufactured -- I am vexed, that neither you nor I have received
any further information of a certain person -- Sure it cannot be
wilful neglect! -- O my dear Willis! I begin to be visited by
strange fancies, and to have some melancholy doubts; which,
however, it would be ungenerous to harbour without further
inquiry -- My uncle, who has made me a present of a very fine set
of garnets, talks of treating us with a jaunt to London; which,
you may imagine, will be highly agreeable; but I like Bath so
well, that I hope he won't think of leaving it till the season is
quite over; and yet, betwixt friends, something has happened to
my aunt, which will probably shorten our stay in this place.

Yesterday, in the forenoon, she went by herself to a breakfasting
in one of the rooms; and, in half an hour, returned in great
agitation, having Chowder along with her in the chair. I believe
some accident must have happened to that unlucky animal, which is
the great source of all her troubles. Dear Letty! what a pity it
is, that a woman of her years and discretion, should place her
affection upon such an ugly, ill-conditioned cur, that snarls and
snaps at every body. I asked John Thomas, the footman who
attended her, what was the matter? and he did nothing but grin. A
famous dog-doctor was sent for, and undertook to cure the
patient, provided he might carry him home to his own house; but
his mistress would not part with him out of her own sight -- She
ordered the cook to warm cloths, which she applied to his bowels,
with her own hand. She gave up all thoughts of going to the ball
in the evening; and when Sir Ulic came to drink tea, refused to
be seen; so that he went away to look for another partner. My
brother Jery whistles and dances. My uncle sometimes shrugs up
his shoulders, and sometimes bursts out a-laughing. My aunt sobs
and scolds by turns; and her woman, Win. Jenkins, stares and
wonders with a foolish face of curiosity; and, for my part, I am
as curious as she, but ashamed to ask questions.

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