The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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Perhaps time will discover the mystery; for if it was any thing
that happened in the Rooms, it cannot be long concealed -- All I
know is, that last night at supper, miss Bramble spoke very
disdainfully of Sir Ulic Mackilligut, and asked her brother if he
intended to keep us sweltering all the summer at Bath? 'No,
sister Tabitha (said he, with an arch smile) we shall retreat
before the Dog-days begin; though I make no doubt, that with a
little temperance and discretion, our constitutions might be kept
cool enough all the year, even at Bath.' As I don't know the
meaning of this insinuation, I won't pretend to make any remarks
upon it at present: hereafter, perhaps, I may be able to explain
it more to your satisfaction -- In the mean time, I beg you will be
punctual in your correspondence, and continue to love your ever
faithful

LYDIA MELFORD
BATH, May 6.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.

So then Mrs Blackerby's affair has proved a false alarm, and I
have saved my money? I wish, however, her declaration had not
been so premature; for though my being thought capable of making
her a mother, might have given me some credit, the reputation of
an intrigue with such a cracked pitcher does me no honour at all
In my last I told you I had hopes of seeing Quin, in his hours of
elevation at the tavern which is the temple of mirth and good
fellowship; where he, as priest of Comus, utters the inspirations
of wit and humour -- I have had that satisfaction. I have dined
with his club at the Three Tuns, and had the honour to sit him
out. At half an hour past eight in the evening, he was carried
home with six good bottles of claret under his belt; and it being
then Friday, he gave orders that he should not be disturbed till
Sunday at noon -- You must not imagine that this dose had any other
effect upon his conversation, but that of making it more
extravagantly entertaining -- He had lost the use of his limbs,
indeed, several hours before we parted, but he retained all his
other faculties in perfection; and as he gave vent to every
whimsical idea as it rose, I was really astonished at the
brilliancy of his thoughts, and the force of his expression. Quin
is a real voluptuary in the articles of eating and drinking; and
so confirmed an epicure, in the common acceptation of the term,
that he cannot put up with ordinary fare. This is a point of such
importance with him, that he always takes upon himself the charge
of catering; and a man admitted to his mess, is always sure of
eating delicate victuals, and drinking excellent wine -- He owns
himself addicted to the delights of the stomach, and often jokes
upon his own sensuality; but there is nothing selfish in this
appetite -- He finds that good chear unites good company,
exhilerates the spirits, opens the heart, banishes all restraint
from conversation, and promotes the happiest purposes of social
life. But Mr James Quin is not a subject to be discussed in the
compass of one letter; I shall therefore, at present, leave him
to his repose, and call another of a very different complexion.

You desire to have further acquaintance with the person of our
aunt, and promise yourself much entertainment from her connexion
with Sir Ulic Mackilligut: but in this hope you are baulked
already; that connexion is dissolved. The Irish baronet is an old
hound, that, finding her carrion, has quitted the scent -- I have
already told you, that Mrs Tabitha Bramble is a maiden of forty-five.
In her person, she is tall, raw-boned, aukward, flat-chested,
and stooping; her complexion is sallow and freckled; her
eyes are not grey, but greenish, like those of a cat, and
generally inflamed; her hair is of a sandy, or rather dusty hue;
her forehead low; her nose long, sharp, and, towards the
extremity, always red in cool weather; her lips skinny, her mouth
extensive, her teeth straggling and loose, of various colours and
conformation; and her long neck shrivelled into a thousand
wrinkles -- In her temper, she is proud, stiff, vain, imperious,
prying, malicious, greedy, and uncharitable. In all likelihood,
her natural austerity has been soured by disappointment in love;
for her long celibacy is by no means owing to her dislike of
matrimony: on the contrary, she has left no stone unturned to
avoid the reproachful epithet of old maid.

Before I was born, she had gone such lengths in the way of
flirting with a recruiting officer, that her reputation was a
little singed. She afterwards made advances to the curate of the
parish, who dropped some distant hints about the next
presentation to the living, which was in her brother's gift; but
finding that was already promised to another, he flew off at a
tangent; and Mrs Tabby, in revenge, found means to deprive him of
his cure. Her next lover was lieutenant of a man of war, a
relation of the family, who did not understand the refinements of
the passion, and expressed no aversion to grapple with cousin
Tabby in the way of marriage; but before matters could be
properly adjusted, he went out on a cruise, and was killed in an
engagement with a French frigate. Our aunt, though baffled so
often, did not yet despair. She layed all her snares for Dr Lewis,
who is the fidus Achates of my uncle. She even fell sick upon the
occasion, and prevailed with Matt to interpose in her behalf with
his friend; but the Doctor, being a shy cock, would not be caught
with chaff, and flatly rejected the proposal: so that Mrs Tabitha
was content to exert her patience once more, after having
endeavoured in vain to effect a rupture betwixt the two friends;
and now she thinks proper to be very civil to Lewis, who is
become necessary to her in the way of his profession.

These, however, are not the only efforts she has made towards a
nearer conjunction with our sex. Her fortune was originally no
more than a thousand pounds; but she gained an accession of five
hundred by the death of a sister, and the lieutenant left her
three hundred in his will. These sums she has more than doubled,
by living free of all expence, in her brother's house; and
dealing in cheese and Welsh flannel, the produce of his flocks
and dairy. At present her capital is increased to about four
thousand pounds; and her avarice seems to grow every day more and
more rapacious: but even this is not so intolerable as the
perverseness of her nature, which keeps the whole family in
disquiet and uproar. She is one of those geniuses who find some
diabolical enjoyment in being dreaded and detested by their
fellow-creatures.

I once told my uncle, I was surprised that a man of his
disposition could bear such a domestic plague, when it could be
so easily removed. The remark made him sore, because it seemed to
tax him with want of resolution -- Wrinkling up his nose, and
drawing down his eye-brows, 'A young fellow (said he) when he
first thrusts his snout into the world, is apt to be surprised at
many things which a man of experience knows to be ordinary and
unavoidable -- This precious aunt of yours is become insensibly a
part of my constitution -- Damn her! She's a noli me tangere in my
flesh, which I cannot bear to be touched or tampered with.' I made no
reply; but shifted the conversation. He really has an affection
for this original; which maintains its ground in defiance of
common sense, and in despite of that contempt which he must
certainly feel for her character and understanding. Nay, I am
convinced, that she has likewise a most virulent attachment to
his person; though her love never shews itself but in the shape
of discontent; and she persists in tormenting him out of pure
tenderness -- The only object within doors upon which she bestows
any marks of affection, in the usual stile, is her dog Chowder; a
filthy cur from Newfoundland, which she had in a present from the
wife of a skipper in Swansey. One would imagine she had
distinguished this beast with her favour on account of his
ugliness and ill-nature, if it was not, indeed, an instinctive
sympathy, between his disposition and her own. Certain it is, she
caresses him without ceasing; and even harasses the family in the
service of this cursed animal, which, indeed, has proved the
proximate cause of her breach with Sir Ulic Mackilligut.

You must know, she yesterday wanted to steal a march of poor
Liddy, and went to breakfast in the Room without any other
companion than her dog, in expectation of meeting with the
Baronet, who had agreed to dance with her in the evening -- Chowder
no sooner made his appearance in the Room, than the Master of the
Ceremonies, incensed at his presumption, ran up to drive him
away, and threatened him with his foot; but the other seemed to
despise his authority, and displaying a formidable case of long,
white, sharp teeth, kept the puny monarch at bay -- While he stood
under some trepidation, fronting his antagonist, and bawling to
the waiter, Sir Ulic Mackilligut came to his assistance; and
seeming ignorant of the connexion between this intruder and his
mistress, gave the former such a kick in the jaws, as sent him
howling to the door -- Mrs Tabitha, incensed at this outrage, ran
after him, squalling in a tone equally disagreeable; while the
Baronet followed her on one side, making apologies for his
mistake; and Derrick on the other, making remonstrances upon the
rules and regulations of the place.

Far from being satisfied with the Knight's excuses, she said she
was sure he was no gentleman; and when the Master of the
Ceremonies offered to hand her into the chair, she rapped him
over the knuckles with her fan. My uncle's footman being still at
the door, she and Chowder got into the same vehicle, and were
carried off amidst the jokes of the chairmen and other populace --
I had been riding out on Clerkendown, and happened to enter just
as the fracas was over -- The Baronet, coming up to me with an
affected air of chagrin, recounted the adventure; at which I
laughed heartily, and then his countenance cleared up. 'My dear
soul (said he) when I saw a sort of a wild baist, snarling with
open mouth at the Master of the Ceremonies, like the red cow
going to devour Tom Thumb, I could do no less than go to the
assistance of the little man; but I never dreamt the baist was
one of Mrs Bramble's attendants -- O! if I had, he might have made
his breakfast upon Derrick and welcome -- But you know, my dear
friend, how natural it is for us Irishmen to blunder, and to take
the wrong sow by the ear -- However, I will confess judgment, and
cry her mercy; and it is to be hoped, a penitent sinner may be
forgiven.' I told him, that as the offence was not voluntary of
his side, it was to be hoped he would not find her implacable.

But, in truth, all this concern was dissembled. In his approaches
of gallantry to Mrs Tabitha, he had been misled by a mistake of
at least six thousand pounds, in the calculation of her fortune;
and in this particular he was just undeceived. He, therefore,
seized the first opportunity of incurring her displeasure
decently, in such a manner as would certainly annihilate the
correspondence; and he could not have taken a more effectual
method, than that of beating her dog. When he presented himself
at our door, to pay his respects to the offended fair, he was
refused admittance, and given to understand that he should never
find her at home for the future. She was not so inaccessible to
Derrick, who came to demand satisfaction for the insult she had
offered to him, even in the verge of his own court. She knew it
was convenient to be well with the Master of the Ceremonies,
while she continued to frequent the Rooms; and, having heard he
was a poet, began to be afraid of making her appearance in a
ballad or lampoon. -- She therefore made excuses for what she had
done, imputing it to the flutter of her spirits; and subscribed
handsomely for his poems: so that he was perfectly appeased, and
overwhelmed her with a profusion of
compliment. He even solicited a reconciliation with Chowder;
which, however, the latter declined; and he declared, that if he
could find a precedent in the annals of the Bath, which he would
carefully examine for that purpose, her favourite should be
admitted to the next public breakfasting -- But, I, believe, she
will not expose herself or him to the risque of a second
disgrace -- Who will supply the place of Mackilligut in her
affections, I cannot foresee; but nothing in the shape of man can
come amiss. Though she is a violent church-woman, of the most
intolerant zeal, I believe in my conscience she would have no
objection, at present, to treat on the score of matrimony with an
Anabaptist, Quaker, or Jew; and even ratify the treaty at the
expense of her own conversion. But, perhaps, I think too hardly
of this kinswoman; who, I must own, is very little beholden to
the good opinion of

Yours,
J. MELFORD
BATH, May 6.

To Dr LEWIS.

You ask me, why I don't take the air a-horseback, during this
fine weather? -- In which of the avenues of this paradise would you
have me take that exercise? Shall I commit myself to the high-roads
of London or Bristol, to be stifled with dust, or pressed
to death in the midst of post-chaises, flying-machines, waggons,
and coal-horses; besides the troops of fine gentlemen that take
to the highway, to shew their horsemanship; and the coaches of
fine ladies, who go thither to shew their equipages? Shall I
attempt the Downs, and fatigue myself to death in climbing up an
eternal ascent, without any hopes of reaching the summit? Know
then, I have made divers desperate leaps at those upper regions;
but always fell backward into this vapour-pit, exhausted and
dispirited by those ineffectual efforts; and here we poor
valetudinarians pant and struggle, like so many Chinese gudgeons,
gasping in the bottom of a punch-bowl. By Heaven it is a kind of
enchantment! If I do not speedily break the spell, and escape, I
may chance to give up the ghost in this nauseous stew of
corruption -- It was but two nights ago, that I had like to have
made my public exit, at a minute's warning. One of my greatest
weaknesses is that of suffering myself to be over-ruled by the
opinion of people, whose judgment I despise -- I own, with shame
and confusion of face, that importunity of any kind I cannot
resist. This want of courage and constancy is an original flaw in
my nature, which you must have often observed with compassion, if
not with contempt. I am afraid some of our boasted virtues maybe
traced up to this defect.

Without further preamble, I was persuaded to go to a ball, on
purpose to see Liddy dance a minuet with a young petulant
jackanapes, the only son of a wealthy undertaker from London,
whose mother lodges in our neighbourhood, and has contracted an
acquaintance with Tabby. I sat a couple of long hours, half
stifled, in the midst of a noisome crowd; and could not help
wondering that so many hundreds of those that rank as rational
creatures, could find entertainment in seeing a succession of
insipid animals, describing the same dull figure for a whole
evening, on an area, not much bigger than a taylor's shop-board.
If there had been any beauty, grace, activity, magnificent dress,
or variety of any kind howsoever absurd, to engage the attention,
and amuse the fancy, I should not have been surprised; but there
was no such object: it was a tiresome repetition of the same
languid, frivolous scene, performed by actors that seemed to
sleep in all their motions. The continual swimming of these
phantoms before my eyes, gave me a swimming of the head; which
was also affected by the fouled air, circulating through such a
number of rotten human bellows. I therefore retreated towards the
door, and stood in the passage to the next room, talking to my
friend Quin; when an end being put to the minuets, the benches
were removed to make way for the country-dances; and the
multitude rising at once, the whole atmosphere was put in
commotion. Then, all of a sudden, came rushing upon me an
Egyptian gale, so impregnated with pestilential vapours, that my
nerves were overpowered, and I dropt senseless upon the floor.

You may easily conceive what a clamour and confusion this
accident must have produced, in such an assembly -- I soon
recovered, however, and found myself in an easy chair, supported
by my own people -- Sister Tabby, in her great tenderness, had put
me to the torture, squeezing my hand under her arm, and stuffing
my nose with spirit of hartshorn, till the whole inside was
excoriated. I no sooner got home, than I sent for Doctor Ch--,
who assured me I needed not be alarmed, for my swooning was
entirely occasioned by an accidental impression of fetid effluvia
upon nerves of uncommon sensibility. I know not how other
people's nerves are constructed; but one would imagine they must
be made of very coarse materials, to stand the shock of such a
torrid assault. It was, indeed, a compound of villainous smells,
in which the most violent stinks, and the most powerful perfumes,
contended for the mastery. Imagine to yourself a high exalted
essence of mingled odours, arising from putrid gums,
imposthumated lungs, sour flatulencies, rank armpits, sweating
feet, running sores and issues, plasters, ointments, and
embrocations, hungary-water, spirit of lavender, assafoetida
drops, musk, hartshorn, and sal volatile; besides a thousand
frowzy steams, which I could not analyse. Such, O Dick! is the
fragrant aether we breathe in the polite assemblies of Bath -- Such
is the atmosphere I have exchanged for the pure, elastic,
animating air of the Welsh mountains -- O Rus, quando te aspiciam!-
-- I wonder what the devil possessed me --

But few words are best: I have taken my resolution -- You may well
suppose I don't intend to entertain the company with a second
exhibition -- I have promised, in an evil hour, to proceed to
London, and that promise shall be performed, but my stay in the
metropolis shall be brief. I have, for the benefit of my health,
projected an expedition to the North, which, I hope, will afford
some agreeable pastime. I have never travelled farther that way
than Scarborough; and, I think, it is a reproach upon me, as a
British freeholder, to have lived so long without making an
excursion to the other side of the Tweed. Besides, I have some
relations settled in Yorkshire, to whom it may not be improper to
introduce my nephew and his sister -- At present, I have nothing to
add, but that Tabby is happily disentangled from the Irish
Baronet; and that I will not fail to make you acquainted, from
time to time, with the sequel of our adventures: a mark of
consideration, which, perhaps, you would willingly dispense with
in

Your humble servant,
M. BRAMBLE
BATH, May 8.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR PHILLIPS,

A few days ago we were terribly alarmed by my uncle's fainting at
the ball -- He has been ever since cursing his own folly, for going
thither at the request of an impertinent woman. He declares, he
will sooner visit a house infected with the plague, than trust
himself in such a nauseous spital for the future, for he swears
the accident was occasioned by the stench of the crowd; and that
he would never desire a stronger proof of our being made of very
gross materials, than our having withstood the annoyance, by
which he was so much discomposed. For my part, I am very thankful
for the coarseness of my organs, being in no danger of ever
falling a sacrifice to the delicacy of my nose. Mr Bramble is
extravagantly delicate in all his sensations, both of soul and
body. I was informed by Dr Lewis, that he once fought a duel with
an officer of the horseguards, for turning aside to the Park-wall,
on a necessary occasion, when he was passing with a lady
under his protection. His blood rises at every instance of
insolence and cruelty, even where he himself is no way concerned;
and ingratitude makes his teeth chatter. On the other hand, the
recital of a generous, humane, or grateful action, never fails to
draw from him tears of approbation, which he is often greatly
distressed to conceal.

Yesterday, one Paunceford gave tea, on particular invitation --
This man, after having been long buffetted by adversity, went
abroad; and Fortune, resolved to make him amends for her former
coyness, set him all at once up to the very ears in affluence. He
has now emerged from obscurity, and blazes out in all the tinsel
of the times. I don't find that he is charged with any practices
that the law deems dishonest, or that his wealth has made him
arrogant and inaccessible; on the contrary, he takes great pains
to appear affable and gracious. But, they say, he is remarkable
for shrinking from his former friendships, which were generally
too plain and home-spun to appear amidst his present brilliant
connexions; and that he seems uneasy at sight of some old
benefactors, whom a man of honour would take pleasure to
acknowledge -- Be that as it may, he had so effectually engaged the
company at Bath, that when I went with my uncle to the
coffeehouse in the evening, there was not a soul in the room but
one person, seemingly in years, who sat by the fire, reading one
of the papers. Mr Bramble, taking his station close by him,
'There is such a crowd and confusion of chairs in the passage to
Simpson's (said he) that we could hardly get along -- I wish those
minions of fortune would fall upon more laudable ways of spending
their money. -- I suppose, Sir, you like this kind of entertainment
as little as I do?' 'I cannot say I have any great relish for
such entertainments,' answered the other, without taking his eyes
off the paper -- 'Mr Serle (resumed my uncle) I beg pardon for
interrupting you; but I can't resist the curiosity I have to know
if you received a card on this occasion?'

The man seemed surprised at this address, and made some pause, as
doubtful what answer he should make. 'I know my curiosity is
impertinent (added my uncle) but I have a particular reason for
asking the favour.' 'If that be the case (replied Mr Serle) I
shall gratify you without hesitation, by owning that I have had
no card. But, give me leave, Sir, to ask in my turn, what reason
you think I have to expect such an invitation from the gentleman
who gives tea?' 'I have my own reasons (cried Mr Bramble, with
some emotion) and am convinced, more than ever, that this
Paunceford is a contemptible fellow.' 'Sir (said the other,
laying down the paper) I have not the honour to know you; but
your discourse is a little mysterious, and seems to require some
explanation. The person you are pleased to treat so cavalierly,
is a gentleman of some consequence in the community; and, for
aught you know, I may also have my particular reasons for
defending his character' -- 'If I was not convinced of the contrary
(observed the other) I should not have gone so far' -- 'Let me tell
you, Sir (said the stranger, raising his voice) you have gone too
far, in hazarding such reflections'.

Here he was interrupted by my uncle; who asked peevishly if he
was Don Quixote enough, at this time of day, to throw down his
gauntlet as champion for a man who had treated him with such
ungrateful neglect. 'For my part (added he) I shall never quarrel
with you again upon this subject; and what I have said now, has
been suggested as much by my regard for you, as by my contempt of
him' -- Mr Serle, then pulling off his spectacles, eyed uncle very
earnestly, saying, in a mitigated tone, 'Surely I am much
obliged -- Ah, Mr Bramble! I now recollect your features, though I
have not seen you these many years.' 'We might have been less
strangers to one another (answered the squire) if our
correspondence had not been interrupted, in consequence of a
misunderstanding, occasioned by this very --, but no matter -- Mr
Serle, I esteem your character; and my friendship, such as it is,
you may freely command.' 'The offer is too agreeable to be
declined (said he); I embrace it very cordially; and, as the
first fruits of it, request that you will change this subject,
which, with me, is a matter of peculiar delicacy.'

My uncle owned he was in the right, and the discourse took a more
general turn. Mr Serle passed the evening with us at our
lodgings; and appeared to be intelligent, and even entertaining;
but his disposition was rather of a melancholy hue. My uncle says
he is a man of uncommon parts, and unquestioned probity: that his
fortune, which was originally small, has been greatly hurt by a
romantic spirit of generosity, which he has often displayed, even
at the expence of his discretion, in favour of worthless
individuals -- That he had rescued Paunceford from the lowest
distress, when he was bankrupt, both in means and reputation --
That he had espoused his interests with a degree of enthusiasm,
broke with several friends, and even drawn his sword against my
uncle, who had particular reasons for questioning the moral
character of the said Paunceford: that, without Serle's
countenance and assistance, the other never could have embraced
the opportunity, which has raised him to this pinnacle of wealth:
that Paunceford, in the first transports of his success, had
written, from abroad, letters to different correspondents, owning
his obligations to Mr Serle, in the warmest terms of
acknowledgement, and declared he considered himself only as a
factor for the occasions of his best friend: that, without doubt,
he had made declarations of the same nature to his benefactor
himself, though this last was always silent and reserved on the
subject; but for some years, those tropes and figures of rhetoric
had been disused; that, upon his return to England, he had been
lavish in his caresses to Mr Serle, invited him to his house, and
pressed him to make it his own: that he had overwhelmed him with
general professions, and affected to express the warmest regard
for him, in company of their common acquaintance; so that every
body believed his gratitude was liberal as his fortune; and some
went so far as to congratulate Mr Serle on both.

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