The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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John Thomas was not so delicate. The fellow, whether really
alarmed for his life, or instigated by the desire of revenge,
came in, and bluntly demanded, that the dog should be put to
death; on the supposition, that if ever he should run mad
hereafter, he, who had been bit by him, would be infected -- My
uncle calmly argued upon the absurdity of his opinion, observing,
that he himself was in the same predicament, and would certainly
take the precaution he proposed, if he was not sure he ran no
risque of infection. Nevertheless, Thomas continued obstinate;
and, at length declared, that if the dog was not shot
immediately, he himself would be his executioner -- This
declaration opened the flood-gates of Tabby's eloquence, which
would have shamed the first-rate oratress of Billingsgate. The
footman retorted in the same stile; and the squire dismissed him
from his service, after having prevented me from giving him a
good horse-whipping for his insolence.

The coach being adjusted, another difficulty occurred -- Mrs
Tabitha absolutely refused to enter it again, unless another
driver could be found to take the place of the postilion; who,
she affirmed, had overturned the carriage from malice
aforethought -- After much dispute, the man resigned his place to a
shabby country fellow, who undertook to go as far as Marlborough,
where they could be better provided; and at that place we arrived
about one O'clock, without farther impediment. Mrs Bramble,
however, found new matter of offence; which, indeed, she has a
particular genius for extracting at will from almost every
incident in life. We had scarce entered the room at Marlborough,
where we stayed to dine, when she exhibited a formal complaint
against the poor fellow who had superseded the postilion. She
said he was such a beggarly rascal that he had ne'er a shirt
to his back, and had the impudence to shock her sight by shewing
his bare posteriors, for which act of indelicacy he deserved to
be set in the stocks. Mrs Winifred Jenkins confirmed the assertion,
with respect to his nakedness, observing, at the same time, that
he had a skin as fair as alabaster.

'This is a heinous offence, indeed (cried my uncle) let us hear
what the fellow has to say in his own vindication.' He was
accordingly summoned, and made his appearance, which was equally
queer and pathetic. He seemed to be about twenty years of age, of
a middling size, with bandy legs, stooping shoulders, high
forehead, sandy locks, pinking eyes, flat nose, and long chin --
but his complexion was of a sickly yellow; his looks denoted
famine, and the rags that he wore could hardly conceal what
decency requires to be covered -- My uncle, having surveyed him
attentively, said, with an ironical expression in his
countenance, 'An't you ashamed, fellow, to ride postilion without
a shirt to cover your backside from the view of the ladies in the
coach?' 'Yes, I am, an please your noble honour (answered the
man) but necessity has no law, as the saying is -- And more than
that, it was an accident. My breeches cracked behind, after I had
got into the saddle' 'You're an impudent varlet (cried Mrs Tabby)
for presuming to ride before persons of fashion without a shirt' --
'I am so, an please your worthy ladyship (said he) but I am a
poor Wiltshire lad -- I ha'n't a shirt in the world, that I can
call my own, nor a rag of clothes, and please your ladyship, but
what you see -- I have no friend nor relation upon earth to help me
out -- I have had the fever and ague these six months, and spent
all I had in the world upon doctors, and to keep soul and body
together; and, saving your ladyship's good presence, I han't
broke bread these four and twenty hours.'

Mrs Bramble, turning from him, said, she had never seen such a
filthy tatterdemalion, and bid him begone; observing, that he
would fill the room full of vermin -- Her brother darted a
significant glance at her, as she retired with Liddy into another
apartment, and then asked the man if he was known to any person
in Marlborough? -- When he answered, that the landlord of the inn
had known him from his infancy; mine host was immediately called,
and being interrogated on the subject, declared that the young
fellow's name was Humphry Clinker. That he had been a love
begotten babe, brought up in the work-house, and put out
apprentice by the parish to a country black-smith, who died
before the boy's time was out: that he had for some time worked
under his ostler, as a helper and extra postilion, till he was
taken ill of the ague, which disabled him from getting his bread:
that, having sold or pawned every thing he had in the world for
his cure and subsistence, he became so miserable and shabby, that
he disgraced the stable, and was dismissed; but that he never
heard any thing to the prejudice of his character in other
respects. 'So that the fellow being sick and destitute (said my
uncle) you turned him out to die in the streets.' 'I pay the
poor's rate (replied the other) and I have no right to maintain
idle vagrants, either in sickness or health; besides, such a
miserable object would have brought a discredit upon my house.'

'You perceive (said the 'squire, turning to me) our landlord is a
Christian of bowels -- Who shall presume to censure the morals of
the age, when the very publicans exhibit such examples of
humanity? -- Heark ye, Clinker, you are a most notorious offender --
You stand convicted of sickness, hunger, wretchedness, and want --
But, as it does not belong to me to punish criminals, I will only
take upon me the task of giving you a word of advice. Get a shirt
with all convenient dispatch, that your nakedness may not
henceforward give offence to travelling gentlewomen, especially
maidens in years.'

So saying, he put a guinea into the hand of the poor fellow, who
stood staring at him in silence, with his mouth wide open, till
the landlord pushed him out of the room.

In the afternoon, as our aunt stept into the coach, she observed,
with some marks of satisfaction, that the postilion, who rode
next to her, was not a shabby wretch like the ragamuffin who had
them into Marlborough. Indeed, the difference was very
conspicuous: this was a smart fellow, with a narrow brimmed hat,
with gold cording, a cut bob, a decent blue jacket, leather-breaches,
and a clean linen shirt, puffed above the waist-band.
When we arrived at the Castle, on Spin-hill, where we lay, this
new postilion was remarkably assiduous in bringing in the loose
parcels; and, at length, displayed the individual countenance of
Humphry Clinker, who had metamorphosed himself in this manner, by
relieving from pawn part of his own clothes, with the money he
had received from Mr Bramble.

Howsoever pleased the rest of the company were with such a
favourable change in the appearance of this poor creature it
soured on the stomach of Mrs Tabby, who had not yet digested the
affront of his naked skin -- She tossed her nose in disdain,
saying, she supposed her brother had taken him into favour,
because he had insulted her with his obscenity: that a fool and
his money were soon parted; but that if Matt intended to take the
fellow with him to London, she would not go a foot further that
way -- My uncle said nothing with his tongue, though his looks were
sufficiently expressive; and next morning Clinker did not appear,
so that we proceeded without further altercation to Salthill,
where we proposed to dine -- There, the first person that came to
the side of the coach, and began to adjust the footboard, was no
other than Humphry Clinker -- When I handed out Mrs Bramble, she
eyed him with a furious look, and passed into the house -- My uncle
was embarrassed, and asked him peevishly, what had brought him
hither? The fellow said, his honour had been so good to him, that
he had not the heart to part with him; that he would follow him
to the world's end, and serve him all the days of his life,
without fee or reward.

Mr Bramble did not know whether to chide or laugh at this
declaration -- He foresaw much contradiction on the side of
Tabby; and on the other hand, he could not but be pleased with
the gratitude of Clinker, as well as with the simplicity of his
character -- 'Suppose I was inclined to take you into my service
(said he) what are your qualifications? what are you good for?'
'An please your honour (answered this original) I can read and
write, and do the business of the stable indifferent well -- I can
dress a horse, and shoe him, and bleed and rowel him; and, as for
the practice of sow-gelding, I won't turn my back on e'er a he in
the county of Wilts -- Then I can make hog's puddings and hob-nails,
mend kettles and tin sauce-pans.' -- Here uncle burst out a-laughing;
and inquired what other accomplishments he was master
of -- 'I know something of single-stick, and psalmody (proceeded
Clinker); I can play upon the jew's-harp, sing Black-ey'd Susan,
Arthur-o'Bradley, and divers other songs; I can dance a Welsh
jig, and Nancy Dawson; wrestle a fall with any lad of my inches,
when I'm in heart; and, under correction I can find a hare when
your honour wants a bit of game.' 'Foregad! thou are a complete
fellow (cried my uncle, still laughing) I have a good mind to
take thee into my family -- Prithee, go and try if thou can'st make
peace with my sister -- Thou ha'st given her much offence by
shewing her thy naked tail.'

Clinker accordingly followed us into the room, cap in hand,
where, addressing himself to Mrs Tabitha, 'May it please your
ladyship's worship (cried he) to pardon and forgive my offences,
and, with God's assistance, I shall take care that my tail shall
never rise up in judgment against me, to offend your ladyship
again. Do, pray, good, sweet, beautiful lady, take compassion on a
poor sinner -- God bless your noble countenance; I am sure you are
too handsome and generous to bear malice -- I will serve you on my
bended knees, by night and by day, by land and by water; and all
for the love and pleasure of serving such an excellent lady.'

This compliment and humiliation had some effect upon Tabby; but
she made no reply; and Clinker, taking silence for consent, gave
his attendance at dinner. The fellow's natural aukwardness and
the flutter of his spirits were productive of repeated blunders
in the course of his attendance -- At length, he spilt part of a
custard upon her right shoulder; and, starting back, trod upon
Chowder, who set up a dismal howl -- Poor Humphry was so
disconcerted at this double mistake, that he dropt the china
dish, which broke into a thousand pieces; then, falling down upon
his knees, remained in that posture gaping, with a most ludicrous
aspect of distress. Mrs Bramble flew to the dog, and, snatching
him in her arms, presented him to her brother saying, 'This is
all a concerted scheme against this unfortunate animal, whose
only crime is its regard for me -- Here it is, kill it at once, and
then you'll be satisfied.'

Clinker, hearing these words, and taking them in the literal
acceptation, got up in some hurry, and seizing a knife from the
side-board, cried, 'Not here, an please your ladyship -- It will
daub the room -- Give him to me, and I'll carry him to the ditch by
the roadside' To this proposal he received no other answer, than
a hearty box on the ear, that made him stagger to the other side
of the room. 'What! (said she to her brother) am I to be
affronted by every mangy hound that you pick up on the highway? I
insist upon your sending this rascallion about his business
immediately' 'For God's sake, sister, compose yourself (said my
uncle) and consider that the poor fellow is innocent of any
intention to give you offence' 'Innocent as the babe unborn'
(cried Humphry). 'I see it plainly (exclaimed this implacable
maiden), he acts by your direction; and you are resolved to
support him in his impudence This is a bad return for all the
services I have done you; for nursing you in your sickness,
managing your family, and keeping you from ruining yourself by
your own imprudence -- But now you shall part with that rascal or
me, upon the spot, without farther loss of time; and the world
shall see whether you have more regard for your own flesh and
blood, or for a beggarly foundling taken from the dunghill.'

Mr Bramble's eyes began to glisten, and his teeth to chatter. 'If
stated fairly (said he, raising his voice) the question is,
whether I have spirit to shake off an intolerable yoke, by one
effort of resolution, or meanness enough to do an act of cruelty
and injustice, to gratify the rancour of a capricious woman --
Heark ye, Mrs Tabitha Bramble, I will now propose an alternative
in my turn. Either discard your four-footed favourite, or give me
leave to bid you eternally adieu -- For I am determined that he and
I shall live no longer under the same roof; and to dinner with
what appetite you may' -- Thunderstruck at this declaration, she
sat down in a corner; and, after a pause of some minutes, 'Sure I
don't understand you, Matt! (said she)' 'And yet I spoke in plain
English' answered the 'squire, with a peremptory look. 'Sir
(resumed this virago, effectually humbled), it is your
prerogative to command, and my duty to obey. I can't dispose of
the dog in this place; but if you'll allow him to go in the coach
to London, I give you my word, he shall never trouble you again.'

Her brother, entirely disarmed by this mild reply, declared, she
could ask him nothing in reason that he would refuse; adding, 'I
hope, sister, you have never found me deficient in natural
affection.'

Mrs Tabitha immediately rose, and, throwing her arms about his
neck, kissed him on the cheek: he returned her embrace with great
emotion. Liddy sobbed, Win. Jenkins cackled, Chowder capered, and
Clinker skipped about, rubbing his hands for joy of this
reconciliation.

Concord being thus restored, we finished our meal with comfort;
and in the evening arrived at London, without having met with any
other adventure. My aunt seems to be much mended by the hint she
received from her brother. She has been graciously pleased to
remove her displeasure from Clinker, who is now retained as a
footman; and in a day or two will make his appearance in a new
suit of livery; but as he is little acquainted with London, we
have taken an occasional valet, whom I intend hereafter to hire
as my own servant. We lodge in Goldensquare, at the house of one
Mrs Notion, a decent sort of a woman, who takes great pains to
make us all easy. My uncle proposes to make a circuit of all the
remarkable scenes of this metropolis, for the entertainment of
his pupils; but as both you and I are already acquainted with
most of those he will visit, and with some others he little
dreams of, I shall only communicate what will be in some measure
new to your observation. Remember me to our Jesuitical friends,
and believe me ever,

Dear knight,
Yours affectionately,
J. MELFORD
LONDON, May 24.

To Dr LEWIS.

DEAR DOCTOR,

London is literally new to me; new in its streets, houses, and
even in its situation; as the Irishman said, 'London is now gone
out of town.' What I left open fields, producing hay and corn, I
now find covered with streets and squares, and palaces, and
churches. I am credibly informed, that in the space of seven
years, eleven thousand new houses have been built in one quarter
of Westminster, exclusive of what is daily added to other parts
of this unwieldy metropolis. Pimlico and Knightsbridge are now
almost joined to Chelsea and Kensington; and if this infatuation
continues for half a century, I suppose the whole county of
Middlesex will be covered with brick.

It must be allowed, indeed, for the credit of the present age,
that London and Westminster are much better paved and lighted
than they were formerly. The new streets are spacious, regular,
and airy; and the houses generally convenient. The bridge at
Blackfriars is a noble monument of taste and public-spirit. -- I
wonder how they stumbled upon a work of such magnificence and
utility. But, notwithstanding these improvements, the capital is
become an overgrown monster; which, like a dropsical head, will
in time leave the body and extremities without nourishment and
support. The absurdity will appear in its full force, when we
consider that one sixth part of the natives of this whole
extensive kingdom is crowded within the bills of mortality. What
wonder that our villages are depopulated, and our farms in want
of day-labourers? The abolition of small farms is but one cause
of the decrease of population. Indeed, the incredible increase of
horses and black cattle, to answer the purposes of luxury,
requires a prodigious quantity of hay and grass, which are raised
and managed without much labour; but a number of hands will
always be wanted for the different branches of agriculture,
whether the farms be large or small. The tide of luxury has swept
all the inhabitants from the open country -- The poorest squire, as
well as the richest peer, must have his house in town, and make a
figure with an extraordinary number of domestics. The plough-boys,
cow-herds, and lower hinds are debauched and seduced by the
appearance and discourse of those coxcombs in livery, when they
make their summer excursions. They desert their dirt and
drudgery, and swarm up to London, in hopes of getting into
service, where they can live luxuriously and wear fine clothes,
without being obliged to work; for idleness is natural to man --
Great numbers of these, being disappointed in their expectation,
become thieves and sharpers; and London being an immense
wilderness, in which there is neither watch nor ward of any
signification, nor any order or police, affords them lurking-places
as well as prey.

There are many causes that contribute to the daily increase of
this enormous mass; but they may be all resolved into the grand
source of luxury and corruption -- About five and twenty years ago,
very few, even of the most opulent citizens of London, kept any
equipage, or even any servants in livery. Their tables produced
nothing but plain boiled and roasted, with a bottle of port and a
tankard of beer. At present, every trader in any degree of
credit, every broker and attorney, maintains a couple of footmen,
a coachman, and postilion. He has his town-house, and his
country-house, his coach, and his post-chaise. His wife and
daughters appear in the richest stuffs, bespangled with diamonds.
They frequent the court, the opera, the theatre, and the
masquerade. They hold assemblies at their own houses: they make
sumptuous entertainments, and treat with the richest wines of
Bordeaux, Burgundy, and Champagne. The substantial tradesman, who
wont to pass his evenings at the ale-house for fourpence half-penny,
now spends three shillings at the tavern, while his wife
keeps card-tables at home; she must likewise have fine clothes,
her chaise, or pad, with country lodgings, and go three times a
week to public diversions. Every clerk, apprentice, and even
waiter of tavern or coffeehouse, maintains a gelding by himself,
or in partnership, and assumes the air and apparel of a petit
maitre -- The gayest places of public entertainment are filled with
fashionable figures; which, upon inquiry, will be found to be
journeymen taylors, serving-men, and abigails, disguised like
their betters.

In short, there is no distinction or subordination left -- The
different departments of life are jumbled together -- The hod-carrier,
the low mechanic, the tapster, the publican, the
shopkeeper, the pettifogger, the citizen, and courtier, all tread
upon the kibes of one another: actuated by the demons of
profligacy and licentiousness, they are seen every where
rambling, riding, rolling, rushing, justling, mixing, bouncing,
cracking, and crashing in one vile ferment of stupidity and
corruption -- All is tumult and hurry; one would imagine they were
impelled by some disorder of the brain, that will not suffer them
to be at rest. The foot-passengers run along as if they were
pursued by bailiffs. The porters and chairmen trot with their
burthens. People, who keep their own equipages, drive through the
streets at full speed. Even citizens, physicians, and
apothecaries, glide in their chariots like lightening. The
hackney-coachmen make their horses smoke, and the pavement shakes
under them; and I have actually seen a waggon pass through
Piccadilly at the hand-gallop. In a word, the whole nation seems
to be running out of their wits.

The diversions of the times are not ill suited to the genius of
this incongruous monster, called the public. Give it noise,
confusion, glare, and glitter; it has no idea of elegance and
propriety -- What are the amusements of Ranelagh? One half of the
company are following at the other's tails, in an eternal circle;
like so many blind asses in an olive-mill, where they can neither
discourse, distinguish, nor be distinguished; while the other
half are drinking hot water, under the denomination of tea, till
nine or ten o'clock at night, to keep them awake for the rest of
the evening. As for the orchestra, the vocal music especially, it
is well for the performers that they cannot be heard distinctly.
Vauxhall is a composition of baubles, overcharged with paltry
ornaments, ill conceived, and poorly executed; without any unity
of design, or propriety of disposition. It is an unnatural
assembly of objects, fantastically illuminated in broken masses;
seemingly contrived to dazzle the eyes and divert the imagination
of the vulgar -- Here a wooden lion, there a stone statue; in one
place, a range of things like coffeehouse boxes, covered a-top;
in another, a parcel of ale-house benches; in a third, a puppet-show
representation of a tin cascade; in a fourth, a gloomy cave
of a circular form, like a sepulchral vault half lighted; in a
fifth, a scanty flip of grass-plat, that would not afford pasture
sufficient for an ass's colt. The walks, which nature seems to
have intended for solitude, shade, and silence, are filled with
crowds of noisy people, sucking up the nocturnal rheums of an
aguish climate; and through these gay scenes, a few lamps glimmer
like so many farthing candles.

When I see a number of well dressed people, of both sexes,
sitting on the covered benches, exposed to the eyes of the mob;
and, which is worse, to the cold, raw, night-air, devouring
sliced beef, and swilling port, and punch, and cyder, I can't
help compassionating their temerity; white I despise their want
of taste and decorum; but, when they course along those damp and
gloomy walks, or crowd together upon the wet gravel, without any
other cover than the cope of Heaven, listening to a song, which
one half of them cannot possibly hear, how can I help supposing
they are actually possessed by a spirit, more absurd and
pernicious than any thing we meet with in the precincts of
Bedlam? In all probability, the proprietors of this, and other
public gardens of inferior note, in the skirts of the metropolis,
are, in some shape, connected with the faculty of physic, and the
company of undertakers; for, considering that eagerness in the
pursuit of what is called pleasure, which now predominates
through every rank and denomination of life, I am persuaded that
more gouts, rheumatisms, catarrhs, and consumptions are caught in
these nocturnal pastimes, sub dio, than from all the risques and
accidents to which a life of toil and danger is exposed.

These, and other observations, which I have made in this
excursion, will shorten my stay at London, and send me back with
a double relish to my solitude and mountains; but I shall return
by a different route from that which brought me to town. I have
seen some old friends, who constantly resided in this virtuous
metropolis, but they are so changed in manners and disposition,
that we hardly know or care for one another -- In our journey from
Bath, my sister Tabby provoked me into a transport of passion;
during which, like a man who has drank himself pot-valiant, I
talked to her in such a stile of authority and resolution, as
produced a most blessed effect. She and her dog have been
remarkably quiet and orderly ever since this expostulation. How
long this agreeable calm will last, Heaven above knows -- I flatter
myself, the exercise of travelling has been of service to my
health; a circumstance which encourages me to-proceed in my
projected expedition to the North. But I must, in the mean time,
for the benefit and amusement of my pupils, explore the depths of
this chaos; this misshapen and monstrous capital, without head or
tail, members or proportion.

Thomas was so insolent to my sister on the road, that I was
obliged to turn him off abruptly, betwixt Chippenham and
Marlborough, where our coach was overturned. The fellow was
always sullen and selfish; but, if he should return to the
country, you may give him a character for honesty and sobriety;
and, provided he behaves with proper respect to the family, let
him have a couple of
guineas in the name of

Yours always,
MATT. BRAMBLE
LONDON, May 20.

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