The Expedition of Humphry Clinker

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To Miss LAETITIA WILLIS, at Gloucester.

MY DEAR LETTY,

Inexpressible was the pleasure I received from yours of the 25th,
which was last night put into my hands by Mrs Brentford, the
milliner, from Gloucester -- I rejoice to hear that my worthy
governess is in good health, and, still more, that she no longer
retains any displeasure towards her poor Liddy. I am sorry you
have lost the society of the agreeable Miss Vaughn; but, I hope
you won't have cause much longer to regret the departure of your
school companions, as I make no doubt but your parents will, in a
little time, bring you into the world, where you are so well
qualified to make a distinguished figure. When that is the case,
I flatter myself you and I shall meet again, and be happy
together; and even improve the friendship which we contracted in
our tender years. This at least I can promise -- It shall not be for
the want of my utmost endeavours, if our intimacy does not
continue for life.

About five days ago we arrived in London, after an easy journey
from Bath; during which, however, we were overturned, and met
with some other little incidents, which, had like to have
occasioned a misunderstanding betwixt my uncle and aunt; but now,
thank God, they are happily reconciled: we live in harmony
together, and every day make parties to see the wonders of this
vast metropolis, which, however, I cannot pretend to describe;
for I have not as yet seen one hundredth part of its curiosities,
and I am quite in a maze of admiration.

The cities of London and Westminster are spread out into an
incredible extent. The streets, squares, rows, lanes, and alleys,
are innumerable. Palaces, public buildings, and churches rise in
every quarter; and, among these last, St Paul's appears with the
most astonishing pre-eminence. They say it is not so large as, St
Peter's at Rome; but, for my own part, I can have no idea of any
earthly temple more grand and magnificent.

But even these superb objects are not so striking as the crowds
of people that swarm in the streets. I at first imagined that
some great assembly was just dismissed, and wanted to stand aside
till the multitude should pass; but this human tide continues to
flow, without interruption or abatement, from morn till night.
Then there is such an infinity of gay equipages, coaches,
chariots, chaises, and other carriages, continually rolling and
shifting before your eyes, that one's head grows giddy looking at
them; and the imagination is quite confounded with splendour and
variety. Nor is the prospect by water less grand and astonishing
than that by land: you see three stupendous bridges, joining the
opposite banks of a broad, deep, and rapid river; so vast, so
stately, so elegant, that they seem to be the work of the giants;
betwixt them, the whole surface of the Thames is covered with
small vessels, barges, boats, and wherries, passing to and fro;
and below the three bridges, such a prodigious forest of masts,
for miles together, that you would think all the ships in the
universe were here assembled. All that you read of wealth and
grandeur in the Arabian Nights' Entertainment, and the Persian
Tales, concerning Bagdad, Diarbekir, Damascus, Ispahan, and
Samarkand, is here realized.

Ranelagh looks like the inchanted palace of a genie, adorned with
the most exquisite performances of painting, carving, and
gilding, enlightened with a thousand golden lamps, that emulate
the noon-day sun; crowded with the great, the rich, the gay, the
happy, and the fair; glittering with cloth of gold and silver,
lace, embroidery, and precious stones. While these exulting sons
and daughters of felicity tread this round of pleasure, or regale
in different parties, and separate lodges, with fine imperial tea
and other delicious refreshments, their ears are entertained with
the most ravishing delights of music, both instrumental and
vocal. There I heard the famous Tenducci, a thing from Italy -- It
looks for all the world like a man, though they say it is not.
The voice, to be sure, is neither man's nor woman's; but it is
more melodious than either; and it warbled so divinely, that,
while I listened, I really thought myself in paradise.

At nine o'clock, in a charming moonlight evening, we embarked at
Ranelagh for Vauxhall, in a wherry so light and slender that we
looked like so many fairies sailing in a nutshell. My uncle,
being apprehensive of catching cold upon the water, went round in
the coach, and my aunt would have accompanied him, but he would
not suffer me to go by water if she went by land; and therefore
she favoured us with her company, as she perceived I had a
curiosity to make this agreeable voyage -- After all, the vessel
was sufficiently loaded; for, besides the waterman, there was my
brother Jery, and a friend of his, one Mr Barton, a country
gentleman, of a good fortune, who had dined at our house -- The
pleasure of this little excursion was, however, damped, by my
being sadly frighted at our landing; where there was a terrible
confusion of wherries and a crowd of people bawling, and
swearing, and quarrelling, nay, a parcel of ugly-looking fellows
came running into the water, and laid hold of our boat with great
violence, to pull it a-shore; nor would they quit their hold till
my brother struck one of them over the head with his cane. But
this flutter was fully recompensed by the pleasures of Vauxhall;
which I no sooner entered, than I was dazzled and confounded with
the variety of beauties that rushed all at once upon my eye.
Image to yourself, my dear Letty, a spacious garden, part laid
out in delightful walks, bounded with high hedges and trees, and
paved with gravel; part exhibiting a wonderful assemblage of the
most picturesque and striking objects' pavilions, lodges, groves,
grottoes, lawns, temples and cascades; porticoes, colonades, and
rotundos; adorned with pillars, statues, and painting: the whole
illuminated with an infinite number of lamps, disposed in
different figures of suns, stars, and constellations; the place
crowded with the gayest company, ranging through those blissful
shades, or supping in different lodges on cold collations,
enlivened with mirth, freedom, and good humour, and animated by
an excellent band of music. Among the vocal performers I had the
happiness to hear the celebrated Mrs --, whose voice was loud and
shrill, that it made my head ake through excess of pleasure.

In about half an hour after we arrived we were joined by my
uncle, who did not seem to relish the place. People of experience
and infirmity, my dear Letty, see with very different eyes from
those that such as you and I make use of -- Our evening's
entertainment was interrupted by an unlucky accident. In one of
the remotest walks we were surprised with a sudden shower, that
set the whole company a-running, and drove us in heaps, one upon
another, into the rotunda; where my uncle, finding himself wet,
began to be very peevish and urgent to be gone. My brother went
to look for the coach, and found it with much difficulty; but as
it could not hold us all, Mr Barton stayed behind. It was some
time before the carriage could be brought up to the gate, in the
confusion, notwithstanding the utmost endeavours of our new
footman, Humphry Clinker, who lost his scratch periwig, and got a
broken head in the scuffle. The moment we were seated, my aunt
pulled off my uncle's shoes, and carefully wrapped his poor feet
in her capuchin; then she gave him a mouth-ful of cordial, which
she always keeps in her pocket, and his clothes were shifted as
soon as we arrived at lodgings; so that, blessed be God, he
escaped a severe cold, of which he was in great terror.

As for Mr Barton, I must tell you in confidence, he was a little
particular; but, perhaps, I mistake his complaisance; and I wish
I may, for his sake -- You know the condition of my poor heart:
which, in spite of hard usage -- And yet I ought not to complain:
nor will I, till farther information.

Besides Ranelagh and Vauxhall, I have been at Mrs Cornelys'
assembly, which, for the rooms, the company, the dresses, and
decorations, surpasses all description; but as I have no great
turn for card playing, I have not yet entered thoroughly into the
spirit of the place: indeed I am still such a country hoyden,
that I could hardly find patience to be put in a condition to
appear, yet, as I was not above six hours under the hands of the
hair-dresser, who stuffed my head with as much black wool as
would have made a quilted petticoat; and, after all, it was the
smallest head in the assembly, except my aunt's -- She, to be sure,
was so particular with her rumpt gown and petticoat, her scanty
curls, her lappethead, deep triple ruffles, and high stays, that
every body looked at her with surprise: some whispered, and some
tittered; and lady Griskin, by whom we were introduced, flatly
told her, she was twenty good years behind the fashion.

Lady Griskin is a person of fashion, to whom we have the honour
to be related. She keeps a small rout at her own house, never
exceeding ten or a dozen card-tables, but these are frequented by
the best company in town -- She has been so obliging as to
introduce my aunt and me to some of her particular friends of
quality, who treat us with the most familiar good-humour: we have
once dined with her, and she takes the trouble to direct us in
all our motions. I am so happy as to have gained her goodwill to
such a degree, that she sometimes adjusts my cap with her own
hands; and she has given me a kind invitation to stay with her
all the winter. This, however, has been cruelly declined by my
uncle who seems to be (I know not how) prejudiced against the
good lady; for, whenever my aunt happens to speak in her
commendation, I observe that he makes wry faces, though he says
nothing -- Perhaps, indeed, these grimaces may be the effect of
pain arising from the gout and rheumatism, with which he is sadly
distressed -- To me, however, he is always good-natured and
generous, even beyond my wish. Since we came hither, he has made
me a present of a suit of clothes, with trimmings and laces,
which cost more money than I shall mention; and Jery, at his
desire, has given me my mother's diamond crops, which are ordered
to be set a-new; so that it won't be his fault if I do not
glitter among the stars of the fourth or fifth magnitude. I wish
my weak head may not grow giddy in the midst of all this
gallantry and dissipation; though, as yet, I can safely declare,
I could gladly give up all these tumultuous pleasures, for
country solitude, and a happy retreat with those we love; among
whom, my dear Willis will always possess the first place in the
breast of her

Ever affectionate,
LYDIA MELFORD
LONDON, May 31.

To Sir WATKIN PHILLIPS, of Jesus college, Oxon.

DEAR PHILLIPS,

I send you this letter, franked by our old friend Barton; who is
as much altered as it was possible for a man of his kidney to be.
Instead of the careless, indolent sloven we knew at Oxford, I
found him a busy talkative politician; a petit-maitre in his
dress, and a ceremonious courtier in his manners. He has not gall
enough in his constitution to be enflamed with the rancour of
party, so as to deal in scurrilous invectives; but, since he
obtained a place, he is become a warm partizan of the ministry,
and sees every thing through such an exaggerating medium, as to
me, who am happily of no party, is altogether incomprehensible --
Without all doubt, the fumes of faction not only disturb the
faculty of reason, but also pervert the organs of sense; and I
would lay a hundred guineas to ten, that if Barton on one side,
and the most conscientious patriot in the opposition on the
other, were to draw, upon honour, the picture of the k[ing] or
m[inisters], you and I, who are still uninfected, and unbiased,
would find both painters equally distant from the truth. One
thing, however, must be allowed for the honour of Barton, he
never breaks out into illiberal abuse, far less endeavours, by
infamous calumnies, to blast the moral character of any
individual on the other side.

Ever since we came hither, he has been remarkably assiduous in
his attention to our family; an attention, which, in a man of his
indolence and avocations, I should have thought altogether odd,
and even unnatural, had not I perceived that my sister Liddy had
made some impression upon his heart. I cannot say that I have any
objection to his trying his fortune in this pursuit: if an
opulent estate and a great flock of good-nature are sufficient
qualifications in a husband, to render the marriage-state happy
for life, she may be happy with Barton; but, I imagine, there is
something else required to engage and secure the affection of a
woman of sense and delicacy: something which nature has denied
our friend -- Liddy seems to be of the same opinion. When he
addresses himself to her in discourse, she seems to listen with
reluctance, and industriously avoids all particular
communication; but in proportion to her coyness, our aunt is
coming. Mrs Tabitha goes more than half way to meet his advances;
she mistakes, or affects to mistake, the meaning of his courtesy,
which is rather formal and fulsome; she returns his compliments
with hyperbolical interest, she persecutes him with her
civilities at table, she appeals to him for ever in conversation,
she sighs, and flirts, and ogles, and by her hideous affectation
and impertinence, drives the poor courtier to the very extremity
of his complaisance; in short, she seems to have undertaken the
siege of Barton's heart, and carries on her approaches in such a
desperate manner, that I don't know whether he will not be
obliged to capitulate. In the mean time, his aversion to this
inamorata struggling with his acquired affability, and his
natural fear of giving offence, throws him into a kind of
distress which is extremely ridiculous.

Two days ago, he persuaded my uncle and me to accompany him to St
James's, where he undertook to make us acquainted with the
persons of all the great men in the kingdom; and, indeed, there
was a great assemblage of distinguished characters, for it was a
high festival at court. Our conductor performed his promise with
great punctuality. He pointed out almost every individual of both
sexes, and generally introduced them to our notice, with a
flourish of panegyrick -- Seeing the king approach, 'There comes
(said he) the most amiable sovereign that ever swayed the sceptre
of England: the delicioe humani generis; Augustus, in patronizing
merit; Titus Vespasian in generosity; Trajan in beneficence; and
Marcus Aurelius in philosophy.' 'A very honest kind hearted
gentleman (added my uncle) he's too good for the times. A king of
England should have a spice of the devil in his composition.'
Barton, then turning to the duke of C[umberland], proceeded, --
'You know the duke, that illustrious hero, who trode rebellion
under his feet, and secured us in possession of every thing we
ought to hold dear, as English men and Christians. Mark what an
eye, how penetrating, yet pacific! what dignity in his mien! what
humanity in his aspect -- Even malice must own, that he is one of
the greatest officers in Christendom.' 'I think he is (said Mr
Bramble) but who are these young gentlemen that stand beside
him?' 'Those! (cried our friend) those are his royal nephews; the
princes of the blood. Sweet
young princes! the sacred pledges of the Protestant line; so
spirited, so sensible, so princely' -- 'Yes; very sensible! very
spirited! (said my uncle, interrupting him) but see the queen!
ha, there's the queen! -- There's the queen! let me see -- Let me
see -- Where are my glasses? ha! there's meaning in that eye --
There's sentiment -- There's expression -- Well, Mr Barton, what
figure do you call next?' The next person he pointed out, was the
favourite yearl; who stood solitary by one of the windows --
'Behold yon northern star (said he) shorn of his beams' -- 'What!
the Caledonian luminary, that lately blazed so bright in our
hemisphere! methinks, at present, it glimmers through a fog; like
Saturn without his ring, bleak, and dim, and distant -- Ha, there's
the other great phenomenon, the grand pensionary, that
weathercock of patriotism that veers about in every point of the
political compass, and still feels the wind of popularity in his
tail. He too, like a portentous comet, has risen again above the
court-horizon; but how long he will continue to ascend, it is not
easy to foretell, considering his great eccentricity -- Who are
those two satellites that attend his motions?' When Barton told
him their names, 'To their characters (said Mr Bramble) I am no
stranger. One of them, without a drop of red blood in his veins,
has a cold intoxicating vapour in his head; and rancour enough in
his heart to inoculate and affect a whole nation. The other is (I
hear) intended for a share in the ad[ministratio]n, and the
pensionary vouches for his being duly qualified -- The only
instance I ever heard of his sagacity, was his deserting his
former patron, when he found him declining in power, and in
disgrace with the people. Without principle, talent, or
intelligence, he is ungracious as a hog, greedy as a vulture, and
thievish as a jackdaw; but, it must be owned, he is no hypocrite.
He pretends to no virtue, and takes no pains to disguise his
character -- His ministry will be attended with one advantage, no
man will be disappointed by his breach of promise, as no mortal
ever trusted to his word. I wonder how lord-- first discovered
this happy genius, and for what purpose lord-- has now adopted
him: but one would think, that as amber has a power to attract
dirt, and straws, and chaff, a minister is endued with the same
kind of faculty, to lick up every knave and blockhead in his
way' -- His eulogium was interrupted by the arrival of the old duke
of N--; who, squeezing into the circle with a busy face of
importance, thrust his head into every countenance, as if he had
been in search of somebody, to whom he wanted to impart something
of great consequence -- My uncle, who had been formerly known to
him, bowed as he passed; and the duke seeing himself saluted so
respectfully by a well-dressed person, was not slow in returning
the courtesy -- He even came up, and, taking him cordially by the
hand, 'My dear friend, Mr A-- (said he) I am rejoiced to see you --
How long have you been come from abroad? -- How did you leave our
good friends the Dutch? The king of Prussia don't think of
another war, ah? -- He's a great king! a great conqueror! a very
great conqueror! Your Alexanders and Hannibals were nothing, at
all to him, sir -- Corporals! drummers! dross! mere trash -- Damned
trash, heh?' -- His grace being by this time out of breath, my
uncle took the opportunity to tell him he had not been out of
England, that his name was Bramble, and that he had the honour to
sit in the last parliament but one of the late king, as
representative for the borough of Dymkymraig. 'Odso! (cried the
duke) I remember you perfectly well, my dear Mr Bramble -- You was
always a good and loyal subject -- a stanch friend to
administration -- I made your brother an Irish bishop' -- 'Pardon me,
my lord (said the squire) I once had a brother, but he was a
captain in the army' -- 'Ha! (said his grace) he was so -- He was,
indeed! But who was the Bishop then! Bishop Blackberry -- Sure it
was bishop Blackberry. Perhaps some relation of yours' -- 'Very
likely, my lord (replied my uncle); the Blackberry is the fruit
of the Bramble -- But, I believe, the bishop is not a berry of our
bush' -- 'No more he is -- No more he is, ha, ha, ha! (exclaimed the
duke) there you gave me a scratch, good Mr Bramble, ha, ha, ha! --
Well, I shall be glad to see you at Lincoln's inn-fields -- You
know the way -- Times are altered. Though I have lost the power, I
retain the inclination -- Your very humble servant, good Mr
Blackberry' -- So saying, he shoved to another corner of the room.
'What a fine old gentleman! (cried Mr Barton) what spirits! what
a memory! He never forgets an old friend.' 'He does me too much
honour (observed our squire) to rank me among the number -- Whilst
I sat in parliament, I never voted with the ministry but three
times, when my conscience told me they were in the right:
however, if he still keeps levee, I will carry my nephew thither,
that he may see, and learn to avoid the scene; for, I think, an
English gentleman never appears to such disadvantage, as at the
levee of a minister -- Of his grace I shall say nothing at present,
but that for thirty years he was the constant and common butt of
ridicule and execration. He was generally laughed at as an ape in
politics, whose office and influence served only to render his
folly the more notorious; and the opposition cursed him, as the
indefatigable drudge of a first-mover, who was justly stiled and
stigmatized as the father of corruption: but this ridiculous ape,
this venal drudge, no sooner lost the places he was so ill
qualified to fill, and unfurled the banners of faction, than he
was metamorphosed into a pattern of public virtue; the very
people who reviled him before, now extolled him to the skies, as
a wise, experienced statesman, chief pillar of the Protestant
succession, and corner stone of English liberty. I should be glad
to know how Mr Barton reconciles these contradictions, without
obliging us to resign all title to the privilege of common
sense.' 'My dear sir (answered Barton) I don't pretend to justify
the extravagations of the multitude; who, I suppose, were as wild
in their former censure, as in the present praise: but I shall be
very glad to attend you on Thursday next to his grace's levee;
where, I'm afraid, we shall not be crowded with company; for, you
know, there's a wide difference between his present office of
president of the council, and his former post of first lord
commissioner of the treasury.'

This communicative friend having announced all the remarkable
characters of both sexes, that appeared at court, we resolved to
adjourn, and retired. At the foot of the stair-case, there was a
crowd of lacqueys and chairmen, and in the midst of them stood
Humphry Clinker, exalted upon a stool, with his hat in one hand,
and a paper in the other, in the act of holding forth to the
people -- Before we could inquire into the meaning of this
exhibition, he perceived his master, thrust the paper into his
pocket, descended from his elevation, bolted through the crowd,
and brought up the carriage to the gate.

My uncle said nothing till we were seated, when, after having
looked at me earnestly for some time, he burst out a-laughing,
and asked if I knew upon what subject Clinker was holding forth
to the mob -- 'If (said he) the fellow is turned mountebank, I must
turn him out of my service, otherwise he'll make Merry Andrews of
us all' -- I observed, that, in all probability, he had studied
medicine under his master, who was a farrier.

At dinner, the squire asked him, if he had ever practised physic?
'Yes, and please your honour (said he) among brute beasts; but I
never meddle with rational creatures.' 'I know not whether you
rank in that class the audience you was haranguing in the court
at St. James's, but I should be glad to know what kind of powders
you was distributing; and whether you had a good sale' -- 'Sale,
sir! (cried Clinker) I hope I shall never be base enough to sell
for gold and silver, what freely comes of God's grace. I
distributed nothing, an like your honour, but a word of advice to
my fellows in servitude and sin.' 'Advice! concerning what?'
'Concerning profane swearing, an please your honour; so horrid
and shocking, that it made my hair stand on end.' 'Nay, if thou
can'st cure them Of that disease, I shall think thee a wonderful
doctor indeed' 'Why not cure them, my good master? the hearts of
those poor people are not so stubborn as your honour seems to
think -- Make them first sensible that you have nothing in view but
their good, then they will listen with patience, and easily be
convinced of the sin and folly of a practice that affords neither
profit nor pleasure -- At this remark, our uncle changed colour,
and looked round the company, conscious that his own withers were
not altogether unwrung. 'But, Clinker (said he) if you should
have eloquence enough to persuade the vulgar to resign those
tropes and figures of rhetoric, there will be little or nothing
left to distinguish their conversation from that of their
betters.' 'But then your honour knows, their conversation will be
void of offence; and, at the day of judgment, there will be no
distinction of persons.'

Humphry going down stairs to fetch up a bottle of wine, my uncle
congratulated his sister upon having such a reformer in the
family; when Mrs Tabitha declared, he was a sober civilized
fellow; very respectful, and very industrious; and, she believed,
a good Christian into the bargain. One would think, Clinker must
really have some very extraordinary talent, to ingratiate himself
in this manner with a virago of her character, so fortified
against him with prejudice and resentment; but the truth is,
since the adventure of Salt-hill, Mrs Tabby seems to be entirely
changed. She has left off scolding the servants, an exercise
which was grown habitual, and even seemed necessary to her
constitution; and is become so indifferent to Chowder, as to part
with him in a present to lady Griskin, who proposes to bring the
breed of him into fashion. Her ladyship is the widow of Sir
Timothy Griskin, a distant relation of our family. She enjoys a
jointure of five hundred pounds a-year, and makes shift to spend
three times that sum. Her character before marriage was a little
equivocal; but at present she lives in the bon ton, keeps card-tables,
gives private suppers to select friends, and is visited
by persons of the first fashion -- She has been remarkably civil to
us all, and cultivates my uncle with the most particular regard;
but the more she strokes him, the more his bristles seem to rise --
To her compliments he makes very laconic and dry returns --
T'other day she sent us a pottle of fine strawberries, which he
did not receive without signs of disgust, muttering from the
Aeneid, timeo Danaos et Dona ferentes. She has twice called for
Liddy, of a forenoon, to take an airing in the coach; but Mrs
Tabby was always so alert (I suppose by his direction) that she
never could have the niece without her aunt's company. I have
endeavoured to sound Square-toes on this subject; but he
carefully avoids all explanation.

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