Night and Day

V >> Virginia Woolf >> Night and Day

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Cassandra bent her head in silence, but she showed a little of what
she felt in her eyes, and thus fortified, William felt confident that
it would take more than Mrs. Milvain herself to rout him from his
position. He read aloud.

Meanwhile Katharine walked rapidly along the street. If called upon to
explain her impulsive action in leaving the tea-table, she could have
traced it to no better cause than that William had glanced at
Cassandra; Cassandra at William. Yet, because they had glanced, her
position was impossible. If one forgot to pour out a cup of tea they
rushed to the conclusion that she was engaged to Ralph Denham. She
knew that in half an hour or so the door would open, and Ralph Denham
would appear. She could not sit there and contemplate seeing him with
William's and Cassandra's eyes upon them, judging their exact degree
of intimacy, so that they might fix the wedding-day. She promptly
decided that she would meet Ralph out of doors; she still had time to
reach Lincoln's Inn Fields before he left his office. She hailed a
cab, and bade it take her to a shop for selling maps which she
remembered in Great Queen Street, since she hardly liked to be set
down at his door. Arrived at the shop, she bought a large scale map of
Norfolk, and thus provided, hurried into Lincoln's Inn Fields, and
assured herself of the position of Messrs. Hoper and Grateley's
office. The great gas chandeliers were alight in the office windows.
She conceived that he sat at an enormous table laden with papers
beneath one of them in the front room with the three tall windows.
Having settled his position there, she began walking to and fro upon
the pavement. Nobody of his build appeared. She scrutinized each male
figure as it approached and passed her. Each male figure had,
nevertheless, a look of him, due, perhaps, to the professional dress,
the quick step, the keen glance which they cast upon her as they
hastened home after the day's work. The square itself, with its
immense houses all so fully occupied and stern of aspect, its
atmosphere of industry and power, as if even the sparrows and the
children were earning their daily bread, as if the sky itself, with
its gray and scarlet clouds, reflected the serious intention of the
city beneath it, spoke of him. Here was the fit place for their
meeting, she thought; here was the fit place for her to walk thinking
of him. She could not help comparing it with the domestic streets of
Chelsea. With this comparison in her mind, she extended her range a
little, and turned into the main road. The great torrent of vans and
carts was sweeping down Kingsway; pedestrians were streaming in two
currents along the pavements. She stood fascinated at the corner. The
deep roar filled her ears; the changing tumult had the inexpressible
fascination of varied life pouring ceaselessly with a purpose which,
as she looked, seemed to her, somehow, the normal purpose for which
life was framed; its complete indifference to the individuals, whom it
swallowed up and rolled onwards, filled her with at least a temporary
exaltation. The blend of daylight and of lamplight made her an
invisible spectator, just as it gave the people who passed her a
semi-transparent quality, and left the faces pale ivory ovals in which
the eyes alone were dark. They tended the enormous rush of the
current--the great flow, the deep stream, the unquenchable tide. She
stood unobserved and absorbed, glorying openly in the rapture that had
run subterraneously all day. Suddenly she was clutched, unwilling,
from the outside, by the recollection of her purpose in coming there.
She had come to find Ralph Denham. She hastily turned back into
Lincoln's Inn Fields, and looked for her landmark--the light in the
three tall windows. She sought in vain. The faces of the houses had
now merged in the general darkness, and she had difficulty in
determining which she sought. Ralph's three windows gave back on their
ghostly glass panels only a reflection of the gray and greenish sky.
She rang the bell, peremptorily, under the painted name of the firm.
After some delay she was answered by a caretaker, whose pail and brush
of themselves told her that the working day was over and the workers
gone. Nobody, save perhaps Mr. Grateley himself, was left, she assured
Katharine; every one else had been gone these ten minutes.

The news woke Katharine completely. Anxiety gained upon her. She
hastened back into Kingsway, looking at people who had miraculously
regained their solidity. She ran as far as the Tube station,
overhauling clerk after clerk, solicitor after solicitor. Not one of
them even faintly resembled Ralph Denham. More and more plainly did
she see him; and more and more did he seem to her unlike any one else.
At the door of the station she paused, and tried to collect her
thoughts. He had gone to her house. By taking a cab she could be there
probably in advance of him. But she pictured herself opening the
drawing-room door, and William and Cassandra looking up, and Ralph's
entrance a moment later, and the glances--the insinuations. No; she
could not face it. She would write him a letter and take it at once to
his house. She bought paper and pencil at the bookstall, and entered
an A.B.C. shop, where, by ordering a cup of coffee, she secured an
empty table, and began at vice to write:

"I came to meet you and I have missed you. I could not face William
and Cassandra. They want us--" here she paused. "They insist that we
are engaged," she substituted, "and we couldn't talk at all, or
explain anything. I want--" Her wants were so vast, now that she was
in communication with Ralph, that the pencil was utterly inadequate to
conduct them on to the paper; it seemed as if the whole torrent of
Kingsway had to run down her pencil. She gazed intently at a notice
hanging on the gold-encrusted wall opposite. ". . . to say all kinds
of things," she added, writing each word with the painstaking of a
child. But, when she raised her eyes again to meditate the next
sentence, she was aware of a waitress, whose expression intimated that
it was closing time, and, looking round, Katharine saw herself almost
the last person left in the shop. She took up her letter, paid her
bill, and found herself once more in the street. She would now take a
cab to Highgate. But at that moment it flashed upon her that she could
not remember the address. This check seemed to let fall a barrier
across a very powerful current of desire. She ransacked her memory in
desperation, hunting for the name, first by remembering the look of
the house, and then by trying, in memory, to retrace the words she had
written once, at least, upon an envelope. The more she pressed the
farther the words receded. Was the house an Orchard Something, on the
street a Hill? She gave it up. Never, since she was a child, had she
felt anything like this blankness and desolation. There rushed in upon
her, as if she were waking from some dream, all the consequences of
her inexplicable indolence. She figured Ralph's face as he turned from
her door without a word of explanation, receiving his dismissal as a
blow from herself, a callous intimation that she did not wish to see
him. She followed his departure from her door; but it was far more
easy to see him marching far and fast in any direction for any length
of time than to conceive that he would turn back to Highgate. Perhaps
he would try once more to see her in Cheyne Walk? It was proof of the
clearness with which she saw him, that she started forward as this
possibility occurred to her, and almost raised her hand to beckon to a
cab. No; he was too proud to come again; he rejected the desire and
walked on and on, on and on--If only she could read the names of those
visionary streets down which he passed! But her imagination betrayed
her at this point, or mocked her with a sense of their strangeness,
darkness, and distance. Indeed, instead of helping herself to any
decision, she only filled her mind with the vast extent of London and
the impossibility of finding any single figure that wandered off this
way and that way, turned to the right and to the left, chose that
dingy little back street where the children were playing in the road,
and so--She roused herself impatiently. She walked rapidly along
Holborn. Soon she turned and walked as rapidly in the other direction.
This indecision was not merely odious, but had something that alarmed
her about it, as she had been alarmed slightly once or twice already
that day; she felt unable to cope with the strength of her own
desires. To a person controlled by habit, there was humiliation as
well as alarm in this sudden release of what appeared to be a very
powerful as well as an unreasonable force. An aching in the muscles of
her right hand now showed her that she was crushing her gloves and the
map of Norfolk in a grip sufficient to crack a more solid object. She
relaxed her grasp; she looked anxiously at the faces of the passers-by
to see whether their eyes rested on her for a moment longer than was
natural, or with any curiosity. But having smoothed out her gloves,
and done what she could to look as usual, she forgot spectators, and
was once more given up to her desperate desire to find Ralph Denham.
It was a desire now--wild, irrational, unexplained, resembling
something felt in childhood. Once more she blamed herself bitterly for
her carelessness. But finding herself opposite the Tube station, she
pulled herself up and took counsel swiftly, as of old. It flashed upon
her that she would go at once to Mary Datchet, and ask her to give her
Ralph's address. The decision was a relief, not only in giving her a
goal, but in providing her with a rational excuse for her own actions.
It gave her a goal certainly, but the fact of having a goal led her to
dwell exclusively upon her obsession; so that when she rang the bell
of Mary's flat, she did not for a moment consider how this demand
would strike Mary. To her extreme annoyance Mary was not at home; a
charwoman opened the door. All Katharine could do was to accept the
invitation to wait. She waited for, perhaps, fifteen minutes, and
spent them in pacing from one end of the room to the other without
intermission. When she heard Mary's key in the door she paused in
front of the fireplace, and Mary found her standing upright, looking
at once expectant and determined, like a person who has come on an
errand of such importance that it must be broached without preface.

Mary exclaimed in surprise.

"Yes, yes," Katharine said, brushing these remarks aside, as if they
were in the way.

"Have you had tea?"

"Oh yes," she said, thinking that she had had tea hundreds of years
ago, somewhere or other.

Mary paused, took off her gloves, and, finding matches, proceeded to
light the fire.

Katharine checked her with an impatient movement, and said:

"Don't light the fire for me. . . . I want to know Ralph Denham's
address."

She was holding a pencil and preparing to write on the envelope. She
waited with an imperious expression.

"The Apple Orchard, Mount Ararat Road, Highgate," Mary said, speaking
slowly and rather strangely.

"Oh, I remember now!" Katharine exclaimed, with irritation at her own
stupidity. "I suppose it wouldn't take twenty minutes to drive there?"
She gathered up her purse and gloves and seemed about to go.

"But you won't find him," said Mary, pausing with a match in her hand.
Katharine, who had already turned towards the door, stopped and looked
at her.

"Why? Where is he?" she asked.

"He won't have left his office."

"But he has left the office," she replied. "The only question is will
he have reached home yet? He went to see me at Chelsea; I tried to
meet him and missed him. He will have found no message to explain. So
I must find him--as soon as possible."

Mary took in the situation at her leisure.

"But why not telephone?" she said.

Katharine immediately dropped all that she was holding; her strained
expression relaxed, and exclaiming, "Of course! Why didn't I think of
that!" she seized the telephone receiver and gave her number. Mary
looked at her steadily, and then left the room. At length Katharine
heard, through all the superimposed weight of London, the mysterious
sound of feet in her own house mounting to the little room, where she
could almost see the pictures and the books; she listened with extreme
intentness to the preparatory vibrations, and then established her
identity.

"Has Mr. Denham called?"

"Yes, miss."

"Did he ask for me?"

"Yes. We said you were out, miss."

"Did he leave any message?"

"No. He went away. About twenty minutes ago, miss."

Katharine hung up the receiver. She walked the length of the room in
such acute disappointment that she did not at first perceive Mary's
absence. Then she called in a harsh and peremptory tone:

"Mary."

Mary was taking off her outdoor things in the bedroom. She heard
Katharine call her. "Yes," she said, "I shan't be a moment." But the
moment prolonged itself, as if for some reason Mary found satisfaction
in making herself not only tidy, but seemly and ornamented. A stage in
her life had been accomplished in the last months which left its
traces for ever upon her bearing. Youth, and the bloom of youth, had
receded, leaving the purpose of her face to show itself in the
hollower cheeks, the firmer lips, the eyes no longer spontaneously
observing at random, but narrowed upon an end which was not near at
hand. This woman was now a serviceable human being, mistress of her
own destiny, and thus, by some combination of ideas, fit to be adorned
with the dignity of silver chains and glowing brooches. She came in at
her leisure and asked: "Well, did you get an answer?"

"He has left Chelsea already," Katharine replied.

"Still, he won't be home yet," said Mary.

Katharine was once more irresistibly drawn to gaze upon an imaginary
map of London, to follow the twists and turns of unnamed streets.

"I'll ring up his home and ask whether he's back." Mary crossed to the
telephone and, after a series of brief remarks, announced:

"No. His sister says he hasn't come back yet."

"Ah!" She applied her ear to the telephone once more. "They've had a
message. He won't be back to dinner."

"Then what is he going to do?"

Very pale, and with her large eyes fixed not so much upon Mary as upon
vistas of unresponding blankness, Katharine addressed herself also not
so much to Mary as to the unrelenting spirit which now appeared to
mock her from every quarter of her survey.

After waiting a little time Mary remarked indifferently:

"I really don't know." Slackly lying back in her armchair, she watched
the little flames beginning to creep among the coals indifferently, as
if they, too, were very distant and indifferent.

Katharine looked at her indignantly and rose.

"Possibly he may come here," Mary continued, without altering the
abstract tone of her voice. "It would be worth your while to wait if
you want to see him to-night." She bent forward and touched the wood,
so that the flames slipped in between the interstices of the coal.

Katharine reflected. "I'll wait half an hour," she said.

Mary rose, went to the table, spread out her papers under the
green-shaded lamp and, with an action that was becoming a habit,
twisted a lock of hair round and round in her fingers. Once she looked
unperceived at her visitor, who never moved, who sat so still, with
eyes so intent, that you could almost fancy that she was watching
something, some face that never looked up at her. Mary found herself
unable to go on writing. She turned her eyes away, but only to be
aware of the presence of what Katharine looked at. There were ghosts
in the room, and one, strangely and sadly, was the ghost of herself.
The minutes went by.

"What would be the time now?" said Katharine at last. The half-hour
was not quite spent.

"I'm going to get dinner ready," said Mary, rising from her table.

"Then I'll go," said Katharine.

"Why don't you stay? Where are you going?"

Katharine looked round the room, conveying her uncertainty in her
glance.

"Perhaps I might find him," she mused.

"But why should it matter? You'll see him another day."

Mary spoke, and intended to speak, cruelly enough.

"I was wrong to come here," Katharine replied.

Their eyes met with antagonism, and neither flinched.

"You had a perfect right to come here," Mary answered.

A loud knocking at the door interrupted them. Mary went to open it,
and returning with some note or parcel, Katharine looked away so that
Mary might not read her disappointment.

"Of course you had a right to come," Mary repeated, laying the note
upon the table.

"No," said Katharine. "Except that when one's desperate one has a sort
of right. I am desperate. How do I know what's happening to him now?
He may do anything. He may wander about the streets all night.
Anything may happen to him."

She spoke with a self-abandonment that Mary had never seen in her.

"You know you exaggerate; you're talking nonsense," she said roughly.

"Mary, I must talk--I must tell you--"

"You needn't tell me anything," Mary interrupted her. "Can't I see for
myself?"

"No, no," Katharine exclaimed. "It's not that--"

Her look, passing beyond Mary, beyond the verge of the room and out
beyond any words that came her way, wildly and passionately, convinced
Mary that she, at any rate, could not follow such a glance to its end.
She was baffled; she tried to think herself back again into the height
of her love for Ralph. Pressing her fingers upon her eyelids, she
murmured:

"You forget that I loved him too. I thought I knew him. I DID know
him."

And yet, what had she known? She could not remember it any more. She
pressed her eyeballs until they struck stars and suns into her
darkness. She convinced herself that she was stirring among ashes. She
desisted. She was astonished at her discovery. She did not love Ralph
any more. She looked back dazed into the room, and her eyes rested
upon the table with its lamp-lit papers. The steady radiance seemed
for a second to have its counterpart within her; she shut her eyes;
she opened them and looked at the lamp again; another love burnt in
the place of the old one, or so, in a momentary glance of amazement,
she guessed before the revelation was over and the old surroundings
asserted themselves. She leant in silence against the mantelpiece.

"There are different ways of loving," she murmured, half to herself,
at length.

Katharine made no reply and seemed unaware of her words. She seemed
absorbed in her own thoughts.

"Perhaps he's waiting in the street again to-night," she exclaimed.
"I'll go now. I might find him."

"It's far more likely that he'll come here," said Mary, and Katharine,
after considering for a moment, said:

"I'll wait another half-hour."

She sank down into her chair again, and took up the same position
which Mary had compared to the position of one watching an unseeing
face. She watched, indeed, not a face, but a procession, not of
people, but of life itself: the good and bad; the meaning; the past,
the present, and the future. All this seemed apparent to her, and she
was not ashamed of her extravagance so much as exalted to one of the
pinnacles of existence, where it behoved the world to do her homage.
No one but she herself knew what it meant to miss Ralph Denham on that
particular night; into this inadequate event crowded feelings that the
great crises of life might have failed to call forth. She had missed
him, and knew the bitterness of all failure; she desired him, and knew
the torment of all passion. It did not matter what trivial accidents
led to this culmination. Nor did she care how extravagant she
appeared, nor how openly she showed her feelings.

When the dinner was ready Mary told her to come, and she came
submissively, as if she let Mary direct her movements for her. They
ate and drank together almost in silence, and when Mary told her to
eat more, she ate more; when she was told to drink wine, she drank it.
Nevertheless, beneath this superficial obedience, Mary knew that she
was following her own thoughts unhindered. She was not inattentive so
much as remote; she looked at once so unseeing and so intent upon some
vision of her own that Mary gradually felt more than protective--she
became actually alarmed at the prospect of some collision between
Katharine and the forces of the outside world. Directly they had done,
Katharine announced her intention of going.

"But where are you going to?" Mary asked, desiring vaguely to hinder
her.

"Oh, I'm going home--no, to Highgate perhaps."

Mary saw that it would be useless to try to stop her. All she could do
was to insist upon coming too, but she met with no opposition;
Katharine seemed indifferent to her presence. In a few minutes they
were walking along the Strand. They walked so rapidly that Mary was
deluded into the belief that Katharine knew where she was going. She
herself was not attentive. She was glad of the movement along lamp-lit
streets in the open air. She was fingering, painfully and with fear,
yet with strange hope, too, the discovery which she had stumbled upon
unexpectedly that night. She was free once more at the cost of a gift,
the best, perhaps, that she could offer, but she was, thank Heaven, in
love no longer. She was tempted to spend the first instalment of her
freedom in some dissipation; in the pit of the Coliseum, for example,
since they were now passing the door. Why not go in and celebrate her
independence of the tyranny of love? Or, perhaps, the top of an
omnibus bound for some remote place such as Camberwell, or Sidcup, or
the Welsh Harp would suit her better. She noticed these names painted
on little boards for the first time for weeks. Or should she return to
her room, and spend the night working out the details of a very
enlightened and ingenious scheme? Of all possibilities this appealed
to her most, and brought to mind the fire, the lamplight, the steady
glow which had seemed lit in the place where a more passionate flame
had once burnt.

Now Katharine stopped, and Mary woke to the fact that instead of
having a goal she had evidently none. She paused at the edge of the
crossing, and looked this way and that, and finally made as if in the
direction of Haverstock Hill.

"Look here--where are you going?" Mary cried, catching her by the
hand. "We must take that cab and go home." She hailed a cab and
insisted that Katharine should get in, while she directed the driver
to take them to Cheyne Walk.

Katharine submitted. "Very well," she said. "We may as well go there
as anywhere else."

A gloom seemed to have fallen on her. She lay back in her corner,
silent and apparently exhausted. Mary, in spite of her own
preoccupation, was struck by her pallor and her attitude of dejection.

"I'm sure we shall find him," she said more gently than she had yet
spoken.

"It may be too late," Katharine replied. Without understanding her,
Mary began to pity her for what she was suffering.

"Nonsense," she said, taking her hand and rubbing it. "If we don't
find him there we shall find him somewhere else."

"But suppose he's walking about the streets--for hours and hours?"

She leant forward and looked out of the window.

"He may refuse ever to speak to me again," she said in a low voice,
almost to herself.

The exaggeration was so immense that Mary did not attempt to cope with
it, save by keeping hold of Katharine's wrist. She half expected that
Katharine might open the door suddenly and jump out. Perhaps Katharine
perceived the purpose with which her hand was held.

"Don't be frightened," she said, with a little laugh. "I'm not going
to jump out of the cab. It wouldn't do much good after all."

Upon this, Mary ostentatiously withdrew her hand.

"I ought to have apologized," Katharine continued, with an effort,
"for bringing you into all this business; I haven't told you half,
either. I'm no longer engaged to William Rodney. He is to marry
Cassandra Otway. It's all arranged--all perfectly right. . . . And
after he'd waited in the streets for hours and hours, William made me
bring him in. He was standing under the lamp-post watching our
windows. He was perfectly white when he came into the room. William
left us alone, and we sat and talked. It seems ages and ages ago, now.
Was it last night? Have I been out long? What's the time?" She sprang
forward to catch sight of a clock, as if the exact time had some
important bearing on her case.

"Only half-past eight!" she exclaimed. "Then he may be there still."
She leant out of the window and told the cabman to drive faster.

"But if he's not there, what shall I do? Where could I find him? The
streets are so crowded."

"We shall find him," Mary repeated.

Mary had no doubt but that somehow or other they would find him. But
suppose they did find him? She began to think of Ralph with a sort of
strangeness, in her effort to understand how he could be capable of
satisfying this extraordinary desire. Once more she thought herself
back to her old view of him and could, with an effort, recall the haze
which surrounded his figure, and the sense of confused, heightened
exhilaration which lay all about his neighborhood, so that for months
at a time she had never exactly heard his voice or seen his face--or
so it now seemed to her. The pain of her loss shot through her.
Nothing would ever make up--not success, or happiness, or oblivion.
But this pang was immediately followed by the assurance that now, at
any rate, she knew the truth; and Katharine, she thought, stealing a
look at her, did not know the truth; yes, Katharine was immensely to
be pitied.

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