The Tremendous Adventures of Major Gahagan
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William Makepeace Thackeray >> The Tremendous Adventures of Major Gahagan
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Macgillicuddy did not make his appearance when I reviewed my little
force, and the three havildars were likewise absent: this did not
surprise me, as I had told them not to leave their prisoner; but
desirous to speak with the lieutenant, I despatched a messenger to
him, and ordered him to appear immediately.
The messenger came back; he was looking ghastly pale: he whispered
some information into my ear, which instantly caused me to hasten
to the apartments where I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be
confined.
The men had fled;--Bobbachy had fled; and in his place, fancy my
astonishment when I found--with a rope cutting his naturally wide
mouth almost into his ears--with a dreadful sabre-cut across his
forehead--with his legs tied over his head, and his arms tied
between his legs--my unhappy, my attached friend--Mortimer
Macgillicuddy!
He had been in this position for about three hours--it was the very
position in which I had caused Bobbachy Bahawder to be placed--an
attitude uncomfortable, it is true, but one which renders escape
impossible, unless treason aid the prisoner.
I restored the lieutenant to his natural erect position; I poured
half-a-bottle of whisky down the immensely enlarged orifice of his
mouth; and when he had been released, he informed me of the
circumstances that had taken place.
Fool that I was! idiot!--upon my return to the fort, to have been
anxious about my personal appearance, and to have spent a couple of
hours in removing the artificial blackening from my beard and
complexion, instead of going to examine my prisoner--when his
escape would have been prevented. O foppery, foppery!--it was that
cursed love of personal appearance which had led me to forget my
duty to my general, my country, my monarch, and my own honour!
Thus it was that the escape took place:- My own fellow of the
Irregulars, whom I had summoned to dress me, performed the
operation to my satisfaction, invested me with the elegant uniform
of my corps, and removed the Pitan's disguise, which I had taken
from the back of the prostrate Bobbachy Bahawder. What did the
rogue do next?--Why, he carried back the dress to the Bobbachy--he
put it, once more, on its right owner; he and his infernal black
companions (who had been won over by the Bobbachy with promises of
enormous reward) gagged Macgillicuddy, who was going the rounds,
and then marched with the Indian coolly up to the outer gate, and
gave the word. The sentinel, thinking it was myself, who had first
come in, and was as likely to go out again--(indeed my rascally
valet said that Gahagan Sahib was about to go out with him and his
two companions to reconnoitre)--opened the gates, and off they
went!
This accounted for the confusion of my valet when I entered!--and
for the scoundrel's speech, that the lieutenant had JUST BEEN THE
ROUNDS;--he HAD, poor fellow, and had been seized and bound in this
cruel way. The three men, with their liberated prisoner, had just
been on the point of escape, when my arrival disconcerted them: I
had changed the guard at the gate (whom they had won over
likewise); and yet, although they had overcome poor Mac, and
although they were ready for the start, they had positively no
means for effecting their escape, until I was ass enough to put
means in their way. Fool! fool! thrice besotted fool that I was,
to think of my own silly person when I should have been occupied
solely with my public duty.
From Macgillicuddy's incoherent accounts, as he was gasping from
the effects of the gag and the whisky he had taken to revive him,
and from my own subsequent observations, I learned this sad story.
A sudden and painful thought struck me--my precious box!--I rushed
back, I found that box--I have it still. Opening it, there, where
I had left ingots, sacks of bright tomauns, kopeks and rupees,
strings of diamonds as big as ducks' eggs, rubies as red as the
lips of my Belinda, countless strings of pearls, amethysts,
emeralds, piles upon piles of bank-notes--I found--a piece of
paper! with a few lines in the Sanscrit language, which are thus,
word for word, translated:-
"EPIGRAM.
(On disappointing a certain Major.)
"The conquering lion return'd with his prey,
And safe in his cavern he set it;
The sly little fox stole the booty away,
And, as he escaped, to the lion did say,
'AHA! don't you wish you may get it?'"
Confusion! Oh, how my blood boiled as I read these cutting lines.
I stamped,--I swore,--I don't know to what insane lengths my rage
might have carried me, had not at this moment a soldier rushed in,
screaming, "The enemy, the enemy!"
CHAPTER VIII: THE CAPTIVE
It was high time, indeed, that I should make my appearance. Waving
my sword with one hand and seizing my telescope with the other, I
at once frightened and examined the enemy. Well they knew when
they saw that flamingo-plume floating in the breeze--that awful
figure standing in the breach--that waving war-sword sparkling in
the sky--well, I say, they knew the name of the humble individual
who owned the sword, the plume, and the figure. The ruffians were
mustered in front, the cavalry behind. The flags were flying, the
drums, gongs, tambourines, violoncellos, and other instruments of
Eastern music, raised in the air a strange barbaric melody; the
officers (yatabals), mounted on white dromedaries, were seen
galloping to and fro, carrying to the advancing hosts the orders of
Holkar.
You see that two sides of the fort of Futtyghur (rising as it does
on a rock that is almost perpendicular) are defended by the
Burrumpooter river, two hundred feet deep at this point, and a
thousand yards wide, so that I had no fear about them attacking me
in that quarter. My guns, therefore (with their six-and-thirty
miserable charges of shot), were dragged round to the point at
which I conceived Holkar would be most likely to attack me. I was
in a situation that I did not dare to fire, except at such times as
I could kill a hundred men by a single discharge of a cannon; so
the attacking party marched and marched, very strongly, about a
mile and a half off, the elephants marching without receiving the
slightest damage from us, until they had come to within four
hundred yards of our walls (the rogues knew all the secrets of our
weakness, through the betrayal of the dastardly Ghorumsaug, or they
never would have ventured so near). At that distance--it was about
the spot where the Futtyghur hill began gradually to rise--the
invading force stopped; the elephants drew up in a line, at right
angles with our wall (the fools! they thought they should expose
themselves too much by taking a position parallel to it); the
cavalry halted too, and--after the deuce's own flourish of trumpets
and banging of gongs, to be sure,--somebody, in a flame-coloured
satin dress, with an immense jewel blazing in his pugree (that
looked through my telescope like a small but very bright planet),
got up from the back of one of the very biggest elephants, and
began a speech.
The elephants were, as I said, in a line formed with admirable
precision, about three hundred of them. The following little
diagram will explain matters:-
....... G |
E |
| F
E is the line of elephants. F is the wall of the fort. G a gun in
the fort. Now the reader will see what I did.
The elephants were standing, their trunks waggling to and fro
gracefully before them; and I, with superhuman skill and activity,
brought the gun G (a devilish long brass gun) to bear upon them. I
pointed it myself; bang! it went, and what was the consequence?
Why, this:-
x
....... G |
E |
| F
F is the fort, as before. G is the gun, as before. E, the
elephants, as we have previously seen them. What then is x? x is
the line taken by the ball fired from G, which took off ONE HUNDRED
AND THIRTY-FOUR ELEPHANTS' TRUNKS, and only spent itself in the
tusk of a very old animal, that stood the hundred and thirty-fifth!
I say that such a shot was never fired before or since; that a gun
was never pointed in such a way. Suppose I had been a common man,
and contented myself with firing bang at the head of the first
animal? An ass would have done it, prided himself had he hit his
mark, and what would have been the consequence? Why, that the ball
might have killed two elephants and wounded a third; but here,
probably, it would have stopped, and done no further mischief. The
trunk was the place at which to aim; there are no bones there; and
away, consequently, went the bullet, shearing, as I have said,
through one hundred and thirty-five probosces. Heavens! what a
howl there was when the shot took effect! What a sudden stoppage
of Holkar's speech! What a hideous snorting of elephants! What a
rush backwards was made by the whole army, as if some demon was
pursuing them!
Away they went. No sooner did I see them in full retreat, than,
rushing forward myself, I shouted to my men, "My friends, yonder
lies your dinner!" We flung open the gates--we tore down to the
spot where the elephants had fallen: seven of them were killed;
and of those that escaped to die of their hideous wounds elsewhere,
most had left their trunks behind them. A great quantity of them
we seized; and I myself, cutting up with my scimitar a couple of
the fallen animals, as a butcher would a calf, motioned to the men
to take the pieces back to the fort, where barbecued elephant was
served round for dinner, instead of the miserable allowance of an
olive and a glass of wine, which I had promised to my female
friends, in my speech to them. The animal reserved for the ladies
was a young white one--the fattest and tenderest I ever ate in my
life: they are very fair eating, but the flesh has an India-rubber
flavour, which, until one is accustomed to it, is unpalatable.
It was well that I had obtained this supply, for, during my absence
on the works, Mrs. Vandegobbleschroy and one or two others had
forced their way into the supper-room, and devoured every morsel of
the garrison larder, with the exception of the cheeses, the olives,
and the wine, which were locked up in my own apartment, before
which stood a sentinel. Disgusting Mrs. Van! When I heard of her
gluttony, I had almost a mind to eat HER. However, we made a very
comfortable dinner off the barbecued steaks, and when everybody had
done, had the comfort of knowing that there was enough for one meal
more.
The next day, as I expected, the enemy attacked us in great force,
attempting to escalade the fort; but by the help of my guns, and my
good sword, by the distinguished bravery of Lieutenant
Macgillicuddy and the rest of the garrison, we beat this attack off
completely, the enemy sustaining a loss of seven hundred men. We
were victorious; but when another attack was made, what were we to
do? We had still a little powder left, but had fired off all the
shot, stones, iron-bars, &c. in the garrison! On this day, too, we
devoured the last morsel of our food: I shall never forget Mrs.
Vandegobbleschroy's despairing look, as I saw her sitting alone,
attempting to make some impression on the little white elephant's
roasted tail.
The third day the attack was repeated. The resources of genius are
never at an end. Yesterday I had no ammunition; to-day, I
discovered charges sufficient for two guns, and two swivels, which
were much longer, but had bores of about blunderbuss size.
This time my friend Loll Mahommed, who had received, as the reader
may remember, such a bastinadoing for my sake, headed the attack.
The poor wretch could not walk, but he was carried in an open
palanquin, and came on waving his sword, and cursing horribly in
his Hindustan jargon. Behind him came troops of matchlock-men, who
picked off every one of our men who showed their noses above the
ramparts; and a great host of blackamoors with scaling-ladders,
bundles to fill the ditch, fascines, gabions, culverins, demilunes,
counterscarps, and all the other appurtenances of offensive war.
On they came; my guns and men were ready for them. You will ask
how my pieces were loaded? I answer, that though my garrison were
without food, I knew my duty as an officer, and HAD PUT THE TWO
DUTCH CHEESES INTO THE TWO GUNS, AND HAD CRAMMED THE CONTENTS OF A
BOTTLE OF OLIVES INTO EACH SWIVEL.
They advanced,--whish! went one of the Dutch cheeses,--bang! went
the other. Alas! they did little execution. In their first
contact with an opposing body, they certainly floored it; but they
became at once like so much Welsh-rabbit, and did no execution
beyond the man whom they struck down.
"Hogree, pogree, wongree-fum (praise to Allah and the forty-nine
Imaums!)" shouted out the ferocious Loll Mahommed when he saw the
failure of my shot. "Onward, sons of the Prophet! the infidel has
no more ammunition. A hundred thousand lakhs of rupees to the man
who brings me Gahagan's head!"
His men set up a shout, and rushed forward--he, to do him justice,
was at the very head, urging on his own palanquin-bearers, and
poking them with the tip of his scimitar. They came panting up the
hill: I was black with rage, but it was the cold concentrated rage
of despair. "Macgillicuddy," said I, calling that faithful
officer, "you know where the barrels of powder are?" He did. "You
know the use to make of them?" He did. He grasped my hand.
"Goliah," said he, "farewell! I swear that the fort shall be in
atoms, as soon as yonder unbelievers have carried it. Oh, my poor
mother!" added the gallant youth, as sighing, yet fearless, he
retired to his post.
I gave one thought to my blessed, my beautiful Belinda, and then,
stepping into the front, took down one of the swivels;--a shower of
matchlock balls came whizzing round my head. I did not heed them.
I took the swivel, and aimed coolly. Loll Mahommed, his palanquin,
and his men, were now not above two hundred yards from the fort.
Loll was straight before me, gesticulating and shouting to his men.
I fired--bang!!!
I aimed so true, that ONE HUNDRED AND SEVENTEEN BEST SPANISH OLIVES
WERE LODGED IN A LUMP IN THE FACE OF THE UNHAPPY LOLL MAHOMMED.
The wretch, uttering a yell the most hideous and unearthly I ever
heard, fell back dead; the frightened bearers flung down the
palanquin and ran--the whole host ran as one man: their screams
might be heard for leagues. "Tomasha, tomasha," they cried, "it is
enchantment!" Away they fled, and the victory a third time was
ours. Soon as the fight was done, I flew back to my Belinda. We
had eaten nothing for twenty-four hours, but I forgot hunger in the
thought of once more beholding her!
The sweet soul turned towards me with a sickly smile as I entered,
and almost fainted in my arms; but alas! it was not love which
caused in her bosom an emotion so strong--it was hunger! "Oh! my
Goliah," whispered she, "for three days I have not tasted food--I
could not eat that horrid elephant yesterday; but now--oh!
Heaven!--" She could say no more, but sank almost lifeless on my
shoulder. I administered to her a trifling dram of rum, which
revived her for a moment, and then rushed downstairs, determined
that if it were a piece of my own leg, she should still have
something to satisfy her hunger. Luckily I remembered that three
or four elephants were still lying in the field, having been killed
by us in the first action, two days before. Necessity, thought I,
has no law; my adorable girl must eat elephant, until she can get
something better.
I rushed into the court where the men were, for the most part,
assembled. "Men," said I, "our larder is empty; we must fill it as
we did the day before yesterday. Who will follow Gahagan on a
foraging party?" I expected that, as on former occasions, every
man would offer to accompany me.
To my astonishment, not a soul moved--a murmur arose among the
troops; and at last one of the oldest and bravest came forward.
"Captain," he said, "it is of no use; we cannot feed upon elephants
for ever; we have not a grain of powder left, and must give up the
fort when the attack is made to-morrow. We may as well be
prisoners now as then, and we won't go elephant-hunting any more."
"Ruffian!" I said, "he who first talks of surrender, dies!" and I
cut him down. "Is there anyone else who wishes to speak?"
No one stirred.
"Cowards! miserable cowards!" shouted I; "what, you dare not move
for fear of death at the hands of those wretches who even now fled
before your arms--what, do I say your arms?--before MINE!--alone I
did it; and as alone I routed the foe, alone I will victual the
fortress! Ho! open the gate!"
I rushed out; not a single man would follow. The bodies of the
elephants that we had killed still lay on the ground where they had
fallen, about four hundred yards from the fort. I descended calmly
the hill, a very steep one, and coming to the spot, took my pick of
the animals, choosing a tolerably small and plump one, of about
thirteen feet high, which the vultures had respected. I threw this
animal over my shoulders, and made for the fort.
As I marched up the acclivity, whizz--piff--whirr! came the balls
over my head; and pitter-patter, pitter-patter! they fell on the
body of the elephant like drops of rain. The enemy were behind me;
I knew it, and quickened my pace. I heard the gallop of their
horse: they came nearer, nearer; I was within a hundred yards of
the fort--seventy--fifty! I strained every nerve; I panted with
the superhuman exertion--I ran--could a man run very fast with such
a tremendous weight on his shoulders?
Up came the enemy; fifty horsemen were shouting and screaming at my
tail. O Heaven! five yards more--one moment--and I am saved. It
is done--I strain the last strain--I make the last step--I fling
forward my precious burden into the gate opened wide to receive me
and it, and--I fall! The gate thunders to, and I am left on the
outside! Fifty knives are gleaming before my bloodshot eyes--fifty
black hands are at my throat, when a voice exclaims, "Stop!--kill
him not, it is Gujputi!" A film came over my eyes--exhausted
nature would bear no more.
CHAPTER IX: SURPRISE OF FUTTYGHUR
When I awoke from the trance into which I had fallen, I found
myself in a bath, surrounded by innumerable black faces; and a
Hindoo pothukoor (whence our word apothecary) feeling my pulse and
looking at me with an air of sagacity.
"Where am I?" I exclaimed, looking round and examining the strange
faces, and the strange apartment which met my view. "Bekhusm!"
said the apothecary. "Silence! Gahagan Sahib is in the hands of
those who know his valour, and will save his life."
"Know my valour, slave? Of course you do," said I; "but the fort--
the garrison--the elephant--Belinda, my love--my darling--
Macgillicuddy--the scoundrelly mutineers--the deal bo- "
I could say no more; the painful recollections pressed so heavily
upon my poor shattered mind and frame, that both failed once more.
I fainted again, and I know not how long I lay insensible.
Again, however, I came to my senses: the pothukoor applied
restoratives, and after a slumber of some hours I awoke, much
refreshed. I had no wound; my repeated swoons had been brought on
(as indeed well they might) by my gigantic efforts in carrying the
elephant up a steep hill a quarter of a mile in length. Walking,
the task is bad enough: but running, it is the deuce; and I would
recommend any of my readers who may be disposed to try and carry a
dead elephant, never, on any account, to go a pace of more than
five miles an hour.
Scarcely was I awake, when I heard the clash of arms at my door
(plainly indicating that sentinels were posted there), and a single
old gentleman, richly habited, entered the room. Did my eyes
deceive me? I had surely seen him before. No--yes--no--yes--it
was he: the snowy white beard, the mild eyes, the nose flattened
to a jelly, and level with the rest of the venerable face,
proclaimed him at once to be--Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee, Holkar's
Prime Vizier; whose nose, as the reader may recollect, his Highness
had flattened with his kaleawn during my interview with him in the
Pitan's disguise. I now knew my fate but too well--I was in the
hands of Holkar.
Saadut Alee Beg Bimbukchee slowly advanced towards me, and with a
mild air of benevolence which distinguished that excellent man (he
was torn to pieces by wild horses the year after, on account of a
difference with Holkar), he came to my bedside and, taking gently
my hand, said, "Life and death, my son, are not ours. Strength is
deceitful, valour is unavailing, fame is only wind--the nightingale
sings of the rose all night--where is the rose in the morning?
Booch, booch! it is withered by a frost. The rose makes remarks
regarding the nightingale, and where is that delightful song-bird?
Pena-bekhoda, he is netted, plucked, spitted, and roasted! Who
knows how misfortune comes? It has come to Gahagan Gujputi!"
"It is well," said I, stoutly, and in the Malay language. "Gahagan
Gujputi will bear it like a man."
"No doubt--like a wise man and a brave one; but there is no lane so
long to which there is not a turning, no night so black to which
there comes not a morning. Icy winter is followed by merry
springtime--grief is often succeeded by joy."
"Interpret, O riddler!" said I; "Gahagan Khan is no reader of
puzzles--no prating mollah. Gujputi loves not words, but swords."
"Listen then, O Gujputi: you are in Holkar's power."
"I know it."
"You will die by the most horrible tortures to-morrow morning."
"I dare say."
"They will tear your teeth from your jaws, your nails from your
fingers, and your eyes from your head."
"Very possibly."
"They will flay you alive, and then burn you."
"Well; they can't do any more."
"They will seize upon every man and woman in yonder fort"--it was
not then taken!--"and repeat upon them the same tortures."
"Ha! Belinda! Speak--how can all this be avoided?"
"Listen. Gahagan loves the moon-face called Belinda."
"He does, Vizier, to distraction."
"Of what rank is he in the Koompani's army?"
"A captain."
"A miserable captain--oh, shame! Of what creed is he?"
"I am an Irishman, and a Catholic."
"But he has not been very particular about his religious duties?"
"Alas, no!"
"He has not been to his mosque for these twelve years?"
"'Tis too true."
"Hearken now, Gahagan Khan. His Highness Prince Holkar has sent me
to thee. You shall have the moon-face for your wife--your second
wife, that is;--the first shall be the incomparable Puttee Rooge,
who loves you to madness;--with Puttee Rooge, who is the wife, you
shall have the wealth and rank of Bobbachy Bahawder, of whom his
Highness intends to get rid. You shall be second in command of his
Highness's forces. Look, here is his commission signed with the
celestial seal, and attested by the sacred names of the forty-nine
Imaums. You have but to renounce your religion and your service,
and all these rewards are yours."
He produced a parchment, signed as he said, and gave it to me (it
was beautifully written in Indian ink: I had it for fourteen
years, but a rascally valet, seeing it very dirty, washed it,
forsooth, and washed off every bit of the writing). I took it
calmly, and said, "This is a tempting offer. O Vizier, how long
wilt thou give me to consider of it?"
After a long parley, he allowed me six hours, when I promised to
give him an answer. My mind, however, was made up--as soon as he
was gone, I threw myself on the sofa and fell asleep.
* * *
At the end of the six hours the Vizier came back: two people were
with him; one, by his martial appearance, I knew to be Holkar, the
other I did not recognise. It was about midnight.
"Have you considered?" said the Vizier, as he came to my couch.
"I have," said I, sitting up,--I could not stand, for my legs were
tied, and my arms fixed in a neat pair of steel handcuffs. "I
have," said I, "unbelieving dogs! I have. Do you think to pervert
a Christian gentleman from his faith and honour? Ruffian
blackamoors! do your worst; heap tortures on this body, they cannot
last long. Tear me to pieces: after you have torn me into a
certain number of pieces, I shall not feel it; and if I did, if
each torture could last a life, if each limb were to feel the
agonies of a whole body, what then? I would bear all--all--all--
all--all--ALL!" My breast heaved--my form dilated--my eye flashed
as I spoke these words. "Tyrants!" said I, "dulce et decorum est
pro patria mori." Having thus clinched the argument, I was silent.
The venerable. Grand Vizier turned away; I saw a tear trickling
down his cheeks.
"What a constancy!" said he. "Oh, that such beauty and such
bravery should be doomed so soon to quit the earth!"
His tall companion only sneered and said, "AND BELINDA--?"
"Ha!" said I, "ruffian, be still!--Heaven will protect her spotless
innocence. Holkar, I know thee, and thou knowest me too! Who,
with his single sword, destroyed thy armies? Who, with his pistol,
cleft in twain thy nose-ring? Who slew thy generals? Who slew thy
elephants? Three hundred mighty beasts went forth to battle: of
these I slew one hundred and thirty-five! Dog, coward, ruffian,
tyrant, unbeliever! Gahagan hates thee, spurns thee, spits on
thee!"
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