The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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ALL (much alarmed). Goodness me--
Why, what was that?
DICK. Silent be,
It was the cat!
ALL. (reassured). It was--it was the cat!
CAPT. (producing cat-o'-nine-tails). They're right, it was the
cat!

ALL. Pull ashore, in fashion steady,
Hymen will defray the fare,
For a clergyman is ready
To unite the happy pair!

(Stamp as before, and Chord.)

ALL. Goodness me,
Why, what was that?
DICK. Silent be,
Again the cat!
ALL. It was again that cat!
CAPT. (aside). They're right, it was the cat!
CAPT. (throwing off cloak). Hold! (All start.)
Pretty daughter of mine,
I insist upon knowing
Where you may be going
With these sons of the brine,
For my excellent crew,
Though foes they could thump any,
Are scarcely fit company,
My daughter, for you.
CREW. Now, hark at that, do!
Though foes we could thump any,
We are scarcely fit company
For a lady like you!

RALPH. Proud officer, that haughty lip uncurl!
Vain man, suppress that supercilious sneer,
For I have dared to love your matchless girl,
A fact well known to all my messmates here!

CAPT. Oh, horror!

RALPH and Jos. { I } humble, poor, and lowly born,
He
The meanest in the port division--
The butt of epauletted scorn--
The mark of quarter-deck derision--
Have } dare to raise { my } wormy eyes
Has his
Above the dust to which you'd mould { me
him
In manhood's glorious pride to rise,
I am } an Englishman--behold { me
He is him

ALL. He is an Englishman!
BOAT. He is an Englishman!
For he himself has said it,
And it's greatly to his credit,
That he is an Englishman!

ALL. That he is an Englishman!
BOAT. For he might have been a Roosian,
A French, or Turk, or Proosian,
Or perhaps Itali-an!

ALL. Or perhaps Itali-an!
BOAT. But in spite of all temptations
To belong to other nations,
He remains an Englishman!

ALL. For in spite of all temptations, etc.

CAPT. (trying to repress his anger).
In uttering a reprobation
To any British tar,
I try to speak with moderation,
But you have gone too far.
I'm very sorry to disparage
A humble foremast lad,
But to seek your captain's child in marriage,
Why damme, it's too bad

[During this, COUSIN HEBE and FEMALE RELATIVES have entered.

ALL (shocked). Oh!
CAPT. Yes, damme, it's too bad!
ALL. Oh!
CAPT. and DICK DEADEYE. Yes, damme, it s too bad.

[During this, SIR JOSEPH has appeared on poop-deck. He is
horrified
at the bad language.

HEBE. Did you hear him? Did you hear him?
Oh, the monster overbearing!
Don't go near him--don't go near him--
He is swearing--he is swearing!
SIR JOSEPH. My pain and my distress,
I find it is not easy to express;
My amazement--my surprise--
You may learn from the expression of my eyes!
CAPT. My lord--one word--the facts are not before
you
The word was injudicious, I allow--
But hear my explanation, I implore you,
And you will be indignant too, I vow!
SIR JOSEPH. I will hear of no defence,
Attempt none if you're sensible.
That word of evil sense
Is wholly indefensible.
Go, ribald, get you hence
To your cabin with celerity.
This is the consequence
Of ill-advised asperity

[Exit CAPTAIN, disgraced, followed by
JOSEPHINE

ALL. This is the consequence,
Of ill-advised asperity!
SIR JOSEPH. For I'll teach you all, ere long,
To refrain from language strong
For I haven't any sympathy for ill-bred
taunts!
HEBE. No more have his sisters, nor his cousins,
nor his
aunts.
ALL. For he is an Englishman, etc.

SIR JOSEPH. Now, tell me, my fine fellow--for you are a fine
fellow--
RALPH. Yes, your honour.
SIR JOSEPH. How came your captain so far to forget himself? I
am quite
sure you had given him no cause for annoyance.
RALPH, Please your honour, it was thus-wise. You see I'm only a
topman-
-a mere foremast hand--
SIR JOSEPH. Don't be ashamed of that. Your position as a topman
is a
very exalted one.
RALPH. Well, your honour, love burns as brightly in the
fo'c'sle as it
does on the quarter-deck, and Josephine is the fairest bud that
ever
blossomed upon the tree of a poor fellow's wildest hopes.

Enter JOSEPHINE; she rushes to RALPH'S arms

JOS. Darling! (SIR JOSEPH horrified.)
RALPH. She is the figurehead of my ship of life--the bright
beacon that
guides me into my port of happiness--that the rarest, the purest
gem that
ever sparkled on a poor but worthy fellow's trusting brow!
ALL. Very pretty, very pretty!
SIR JOSEPH. Insolent sailor, you shall repent this outrage.
Seize him!
(Two Marines seize him and handcuff him.)
JOS. Oh, Sir Joseph, spare him, for I love him tenderly.
SIR JOSEPH. Pray, don't. I will teach this presumptuous mariner
to
discipline his affections. Have you such a thing as a dungeon on
board?
ALL. We have!
DICK. They have!
SIR JOSEPH. Then load him with chains and take him there at
once!

OCTETTE

RALPH. Farewell, my own,
Light of my life, farewell!
For crime unknown
I go to a dungeon cell.

JOS. I will atone.
In the meantime farewell!
And all alone
Rejoice in your dungeon cell!

SIR JOSEPH. A bone, a bone
I'll pick with this sailor fell;
Let him be shown at once
At once to his dungeon cell.

BOATSWAIN, DICK DEADEYE, and COUSIN HEBE

He'll hear no tone
Of the maiden he loves so well!
No telephone
Communicates with his cell!

BUT. (mysteriously). But when is known
The secret I have to tell,
Wide will be thrown
The door of his dungeon cell.

ALL. For crime unknown
He goes to a dungeon cell!
[RALPH is led off in
custody.

SIR JOSEPH. My pain and my distress
Again it is not easy to express.
My amazement, my surprise,
Again you may discover from my eyes.

ALL. How terrible the aspect of his eyes!

BUT. Hold! Ere upon your loss
You lay much stress,
A long-concealed crime
I would confess.

SONG--BUTTERCUP

A many years ago,
When I was young and charming,
As some of you may know,
I practised baby-farming.

ALL. Now this is most alarming!
When she was young and charming,
She practised baby-farming,
A many years ago.

BUT. Two tender babes I nursed:
One was of low condition,
The other, upper crust,
A regular patrician.

ALL (explaining to each other).
Now, this is the position:
One was of low condition,
The other a patrician,
A many years ago.

BUT. Oh, bitter is my cup!
However could I do it?
I mixed those children up,
And not a creature knew it!

ALL. However could you do it?
Some day, no doubt, you'll rue it,
Although no creature knew it,
So many years ago.

BUT. In time each little waif
Forsook his foster-mother,
The well born babe was Ralph--
Your captain was the other!!!

ALL. They left their foster-mother,
The one was Ralph, our brother,
Our captain was the other,
A many years ago.

SIR JOSEPH. Then I am to understand that Captain Corcoran and
Ralph
were exchanged in childhood's happy hour--that Ralph is really
the
Captain, and the Captain is Ralph?
BUT. That is the idea I intended to convey, officially!
SIR JOSEPH. And very well you have conveyed it.
BUT. Aye! aye! yer 'onour.
SIR JOSEPH. Dear me! Let them appear before me, at once!

[RALPH. enters as CAPTAIN; CAPTAIN as a common sailor. JOSEPHINE
rushes
to his arms

JOS. My father--a common sailor!
CAPT. It is hard, is it not, my dear?
SIR JOSEPH. This is a very singular occurrence; I congratulate
you
both. (To RALPH.) Desire that remarkably fine seaman to step
forward.
RALPH. Corcoran. Three paces to the front--march!
CAPT. If what?
RALPH. If what? I don't think I understand you.
CAPT. If you please.
SIR JOSEPH. The gentleman is quite right. If you please.
RALPH. Oh! If you please. (CAPTAIN steps forward.)
SIR JOSEPH (to CAPTAIN).You are an extremely fine fellow.
CAPT. Yes, your honour.
SIR JOSEPH. So it seems that you were Ralph, and Ralph was you.
CAPT. SO it seems, your honour.
SIR JOSEPH. Well, I need not tell you that after this change in
your
condition, a marriage with your daughter will be out of the
question.
CAPT. Don't say that, your honour--love levels all ranks.
SIR JOSEPH. It does to a considerable extent, but it does not
level
them as much as that. (Handing JOSEPHINE to RALPH.) Here -- take
her,
sir, and mind you treat her kindly.
RALPH and JOS. Oh bliss, oh rapture!
CAPT. and BUT. Oh rapture, oh bliss!

SIR JOSEPH. Sad my lot and sorry,
What shall I do? I cannot live alone!
HEBE. Fear nothing--while I live I'll not desert you.
I'll soothe and comfort your declining days.
SIR JOSEPH. No, don't do that.
HEBE. Yes, but indeed I'd rather--
SIR JOSEPH (resigned). To-morrow morn our vows shall all be
plighted,
Three loving pairs on the same day united!

QUARTETTE

JOSEPHINE, HEBE, RALPH, and DEADEYE

Oh joy, oh rapture unforeseen,
The clouded sky is now serene,
The god of day--the orb of love,
Has hung his ensign high above,
The sky is all ablaze.

With wooing words and loving song,
We'll chase the lagging hours along,
And if { he finds } the maiden coy,
I find
We'll murmur forth decorous joy,
In dreamy roundelay.

CAPT. For he's the Captain of the Pinafore.
ALL. And a right good captain too!
CAPT. And though before my fall
I was captain of you all,
I'm a member of the crew.
ALL. Although before his fall, etc.
CAPT. I shall marry with a wife,
In my humble rank of life! (turning to BUT.)
And you, my own, are she--
I must wander to and fro;
But wherever I may go,
I shall never be untrue to thee!
ALL. What, never?
CAPT. No, never!
ALL. What, never!
CAPT. Hardly ever!
ALL. Hardly ever be untrue to thee.
Then give three cheers, and one cheer more
For the former Captain of the Pinafore.

BUT. For he loves Little Buttercup, dear Little
Buttercup,
Though I could never tell why;
But still he loves Buttercup, poor Little
Buttercup,
Sweet Little Buttercup, aye!
ALL. For he loves, etc.

SIR JOSEPH. I'm the monarch of the sea,
And when I've married thee (to HEBE),
I'll be true to the devotion that my love
implants,
HEBE. Then good-bye to his sisters, and his
cousins,
and his aunts,
Especially his cousins,
Whom he reckons up by dozens,
His sisters, and his cousins, and his aunts!

ALL. For he is an Englishman,
And he himself hath said it,
And it's greatly to his credit
That he is an Englishman!

CURTAIN

Iolanthe

or

The Peer and the Peri

DRAMATIS PERSONAE

THE LORD CHANCELLOR
EARL OF MOUNTARARAT
EARL TOLLOLLER
PRIVATE WILLIS (of the Grenadier Guards)
STREPHON (an Arcadian Shepherd)
QUEEN OF THE FAIRIES
IOLANTHE (a Fairy, Strephon's Mother)

FAIRIES:
CELIA
LEILA
FLETA

PHYLLIS (an Arcadian Shepherdess and Ward of Chancery)

ACT I

An Arcadian Landscape

ACT II

Palace Yard, Westminster

ACT I

SCENE.--An Arcadian Landscape. A river runs around the back of the
stage. A rustic bridge crosses the river.

Enter Fairies, led by Leila, Celia, and Fleta. They trip around
the stage, singing as they dance.

CHORUS.

Tripping hither, tripping thither,
Nobody knows why or whither;
We must dance and we must sing
Round about our fairy ring!

SOLO--CELIA.

We are dainty little fairies,
Ever singing, ever dancing;
We indulge in our vagaries
In a fashion most entrancing.
If you ask the special function
Of our never-ceasing motion,
We reply, without compunction,
That we haven't any notion!

CHORUS.

No, we haven't any notion!
Tripping hither, etc.

SOLO--LEILA.

If you ask us how we live,
Lovers all essentials give--
We can ride on lovers' sighs,
Warm ourselves in lovers' eyes,
Bathe ourselves in lovers' tears,
Clothe ourselves with lovers' fears,
Arm ourselves with lovers' darts,
Hide ourselves in lovers' hearts.
When you know us, you'll discover
That we almost live on lover!

CHORUS.

Yes, we live on lover!
Tripping hither, etc.
(At the end of Chorus, all sigh wearily.)

CELIA. Ah, it's all very well, but since our Queen banished
Iolanthe, fairy revels have not been what they were!

LEILA. Iolanthe was the life and soul of Fairyland. Why, she
wrote all our songs and arranged all our dances! We sing her songs
and we trip her measures, but we don't enjoy ourselves!
FLETA. To think that five-and-twenty years have elapsed since
she was banished! What could she have done to have deserved so
terrible a punishment?
LEILA. Something awful! She married a mortal!
FLETA. Oh! Is it injudicious to marry a mortal?
LEILA. Injudicious? It strikes at the root of the whole
fairy system! By our laws, the fairy who marries a mortal dies!
CELIA. But Iolanthe didn't die!

(Enter Fairy Queen.)

QUEEN. No, because your Queen, who loved her with a
surpassing love, commuted her sentence to penal servitude for life,
on condition that she left her husband and never communicated with
him again!
LEILA. That sentence of penal servitude she is now working
out, on her head, at the bottom of that stream!
QUEEN. Yes, but when I banished her, I gave her all the
pleasant places of the earth to dwell in. I'm sure I never
intended that she should go and live at the bottom of a stream! It
makes me perfectly wretched to think of the discomfort she must
have undergone!
LEILA. Think of the damp! And her chest was always delicate.
QUEEN. And the frogs! Ugh! I never shall enjoy any peace of
mind until I know why Iolanthe went to live among the frogs!
FLETA. Then why not summon her and ask her?
QUEEN. Why? Because if I set eyes on her I should forgive
her at once!
CELIA. Then why not forgive her? Twenty-five years--it's a
long time!
LEILA. Think how we loved her!
QUEEN. Loved her? What was your love to mine? Why, she was
invaluable to me! Who taught me to curl myself inside a buttercup?
Iolanthe! Who taught me to swing upon a cobweb? Iolanthe! Who
taught me to dive into a dewdrop--to nestle in a nutshell--to
gambol upon gossamer? Iolanthe!
LEILA. She certainly did surprising things!
FLETA. Oh, give her back to us, great Queen, for your sake if
not for ours! (All kneel in supplication.)
QUEEN (irresolute). Oh, I should be strong, but I am weak!
I should be marble, but I am clay! Her punishment has been heavier
than I intended. I did not mean that she should live among the
frogs--and--well, well, it shall be as you wish--it shall be as you
wish!

INVOCATION--QUEEN.

Iolanthe!
From thy dark exile thou art summoned!
Come to our call--
Come, come, Iolanthe!

CELIA. Iolanthe!

LEILA. Iolanthe!

ALL. Come to our call, Iolanthe!
Iolanthe, come!

(Iolanthe rises from the water. She is clad in water-weeds. She
approaches the Queen with head bent and arms crossed.)

IOLANTHE. With humbled breast
And every hope laid low,
To thy behest,
Offended Queen, I bow!

QUEEN. For a dark sin against our fairy laws
We sent thee into life-long banishment;
But mercy holds her sway within our hearts--
Rise--thou art pardoned!

IOL. Pardoned!

ALL. Pardoned!

(Her weeds fall from her, and she appears clothed as a fairy. The
Queen places a diamond coronet on her head, and embraces her. The
others also embrace her.)

CHORUS.

Welcome to our hearts again,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!
We have shared thy bitter pain,
Iolanthe! Iolanthe!

Every heart and every hand
In our loving little band
Welcomes thee to Fairyland,
Iolanthe!

QUEEN. And now, tell me, with all the world to choose from,
why on earth did you decide to live at the bottom of that stream?
IOL. To be near my son, Strephon.
QUEEN. Bless my heart, I didn't know you had a son.
IOL. He was born soon after I left my husband by your royal
command--but he does not even know of his father's existence.
FLETA. How old is he?
IOL. Twenty-four.
LEILA. Twenty-four! No one, to look at you, would think you
had a son of twenty-four! But that's one of the advantages of
being immortal. We never grow old! Is he pretty?
IOL. He's extremely pretty, but he's inclined to be stout.
ALL (disappointed). Oh!
QUEEN. I see no objection to stoutness, in moderation.
CELIA. And what is he?
IOL. He's an Arcadian shepherd--and he loves Phyllis, a Ward
in Chancery.
CELIA. A mere shepherd! and he half a fairy!
IOL. He's a fairy down to the waist--but his legs are mortal.
ALL. Dear me!
QUEEN. I have no reason to suppose that I am more curious
than other people, but I confess I should like to see a person who
is a fairy down to the waist, but whose legs are mortal.
IOL. Nothing easier, for here he comes!

(Enter Strephon, singing and dancing and playing on a flageolet.
He does not see the Fairies, who retire up stage as he enters.)

SONG--STREPHON.

Good morrow, good mother!
Good mother, good morrow!
By some means or other,
Pray banish your sorrow!
With joy beyond telling
My bosom is swelling,
So join in a measure
Expressive of pleasure,
For I'm to be married to-day--to-day--
Yes, I'm to be married to-day!

CHORUS (aside). Yes, he's to be married to-day--to-day--
Yes, he's to be married to-day!

IOL. Then the Lord Chancellor has at last given his consent
to your marriage with his beautiful ward, Phyllis?
STREPH. Not he, indeed. To all my tearful prayers he answers
me, "A shepherd lad is no fit helpmate for a Ward of Chancery." I
stood in court, and there I sang him songs of Arcadee, with
flageolet accompaniment--in vain. At first he seemed amused, so
did the Bar; but quickly wearying of my song and pipe, bade me get
out. A servile usher then, in crumpled bands and rusty bombazine,
led me, still singing, into Chancery Lane! I'll go no more; I'll
marry her to-day, and brave the upshot, be it what it may! (Sees
Fairies.) But who are these?
IOL. Oh, Strephon! rejoice with me, my Queen has pardoned
me!
STREPH. Pardoned you, mother? This is good news indeed.
IOL. And these ladies are my beloved sisters.
STREPH. Your sisters! Then they are--my aunts!
QUEEN. A pleasant piece of news for your bride on her wedding
day!
STREPH. Hush! My bride knows nothing of my fairyhood. I
dare not tell her, lest it frighten her. She thinks me mortal, and
prefers me so.
LEILA. Your fairyhood doesn't seem to have done you much
good.
STREPH. Much good! My dear aunt! it's the curse of my
existence! What's the use of being half a fairy? My body can
creep through a keyhole, but what's the good of that when my legs
are left kicking behind? I can make myself invisible down to the
waist, but that's of no use when my legs remain exposed to view!
My brain is a fairy brain, but from the waist downwards I'm a
gibbering idiot. My upper half is immortal, but my lower half
grows older every day, and some day or other must die of old age.
What's to become of my upper half when I've buried my lower half I
really don't know!
FAIRIES. Poor fellow!
QUEEN. I see your difficulty, but with a fairy brain you
should seek an intellectual sphere of action. Let me see. I've a
borough or two at my disposal. Would you like to go into
Parliament?
IOL. A fairy Member! That would be delightful!
STREPH. I'm afraid I should do no good there--you see, down
to the waist, I'm a Tory of the most determined description, but my
legs are a couple of confounded Radicals, and, on a division,
they'd be sure to take me into the wrong lobby. You see, they're
two to one, which is a strong working majority.
QUEEN. Don't let that distress you; you shall be returned as
a Liberal-Conservative, and your legs shall be our peculiar care.
STREPH. (bowing). I see your Majesty does not do things by
halves.
QUEEN. No, we are fairies down to the feet.