The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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TRIO

Ko-Ko Pooh-Bah Pish-Tush

My brain it teams I am so proud, I heard one
day
With endless schemes If I allowed A gentleman
say
Both good and new My family pride That criminals
who
For Titipu; To be my guide, Are cut in two
But if I flit, I'd volunteer Can hardly
feel
The benefit To quit this sphere The fatal
steel,
That I'd diffuse Instead of you And so are
slain
The town would lose! In a minute or two, Without much
pain.
Now every man But family pride If this is
true,
To aid his clan Must be denied, It's jolly for
you;
Should plot and plan And set aside, Your courage
screw
As best he can, And mortified. To bid us
adieu,
And so, And so, And go
Although Although And show
I'm ready to go, I wish to go, Both friend
and foe
Yet recollect And greatly pine How much you
dare.
'Twere disrespect To brightly shine, I'm quite
aware
Did I neglect And take the line It's your
affair,
To thus effect Of a hero fine, Yet I declare
This aim direct, With grief condign I'd take your
share,
So I object-- I must decline-- But I don't
much care--
So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much
care--
So I object-- I must decline-- I don't much
care--

ALL. To sit in solemn silence in a dull, dark dock,
In a pestilential prison, with a life-long lock,
Awaiting the sensation of a short, sharp shock,
From a cheap and chippy chopper on a big black block!
[Exeunt Pooh.
and Pish.

KO. This is simply appalling! I, who allowed myself to be
respited at the last moment, simply in order to benefit my native
town, am now required to die within a month, and that by a man
whom I have loaded with honours! Is this public gratitude? Is
this--- (Enter Nanki-Poo, with a rope in his hands.) Go away,
sir! How dare you? Am I never to be permitted to soliloquize?
NANK. Oh, go on--don't mind me.
KO. What are you going to do with that rope?
NANK. I am about to terminate an unendurabIe existence.
KO. Terminate your existence? Oh, nonsense! What for?
NANK. Because you are going to marry the girl I adore.
KO. Nonsense, sir. I won't permit it. I am a humane man,
and if you attempt anything of the kind I shall order your
instant arrest. Come, sir, desist at once or I summon my guard.
NANK. That's absurd. If you attempt to raise an alarm, I
instantly perform the Happy Despatch with this dagger.
KO. No, no, don't do that. This is horrible! (Suddenly.)
Why, you cold-blooded scoundrel, are you aware that, in taking
your life, you are committing a crime which--which--which is----
Oh! (Struck by an idea.) Substitute!
NANK. What's the matter?
KO. Is it absolutely certain that you are resolved to die?
NANK. Absolutely!
KO. Will nothing shake your resolution?
NANK. Nothing.
KO. Threats, entreaties, prayers--all useless?
NANK. All! My mind is made up.
KO. Then, if you really mean what you say, and if you are
absolutely resolved to die, and if nothing whatever will shake
your determination--don't spoil yourself by committing suicide,
but be beheaded handsomely at the hands of the Public
Executioner!
NANK. I don't see how that would benefit me.
KO. You don't? Observe: you'll have a month to live, and
you'll live like a fighting-cock at my expense. When the day
comes there'll be a grand public ceremonial--you'll be the
central figure--no one will attempt to deprive you of that
distinction. There'll be a procession--bands--dead march--bells
tolling--all the girls in tears--Yum-Yum distracted--then, when
it's all over, general rejoicings, and a display of fireworks in
the evening. You won't see them, but they'll be there all the
same.
NANK. Do you think Yum-Yum would really be distracted at my
death?
KO. I am convinced of it. Bless you, she's the most
tender-hearted little creature alive.
NANK. I should be sorry to cause her pain. Perhaps, after
all, if I were to withdraw from Japan, and travel in Europe for a
couple of years, I might contrive to forget her.
KO. Oh, I don't think you could forget Yum-Yum so easily;
and, after all, what is more miserable than a love-blighted life?
NANK. True.
KO. Life without Yum-Yum--why, it seems absurd!
NANK. And yet there are a good many people in the world who
have to endure it.
KO. Poor devils, yes! You are quite right not to be of
their number.
NANK. (suddenly). I won't be of their number!
KO. Noble fellow!
NANK. I'll tell you how we'll manage it. Let me marry
Yum-Yum to-morrow, and in a month you may behead me.
KO. No, no. I draw the line at Yum-Yum.
NANK. Very good. If you can draw the line, so can I.
(Preparing rope.)
KO. Stop, stop--listen one moment--be reasonable. How can
I consent to your marrying Yum-Yum if I'm going to marry her
myself?
NANK. My good friend, she'll be a widow in a month, and you
can marry her then.
KO. That's true, of course. I quite see that. But, dear
me! my position during the next month will be most
unpleasant--most unpleasant.
NANK. Not half so unpleasant as my position at the end of
it.
KO. But--dear me!--well--I agree--after all, it's only
putting off my wedding for a month. But you won't prejudice her
against me, will you? You see, I've educated her to be my wife;
she's been taught to regard me as a wise and good man. Now I
shouldn't like her views on that point disturbed.
NANK. Trust me, she shall never learn the truth from me.

FINALE.

Enter Chorus, Pooh-Bah, and Pish-Tush.

CHORUS.

With aspect stern
And gloomy stride,
We come to learn
How you decide.

Don't hesitate
Your choice to name,
A dreadful fate
You'll suffer all the same.

POOH. To ask you what you mean to do we punctually appear.
KO. Congratulate me, gentlemen, I've found a Volunteer!
ALL. The Japanese equivalent for Hear, Hear, Hear!
KO. (presenting him). 'Tis Nanki-Poo!
ALL. Hail, Nanki-Poo!
KO. I think he'll do?
ALL. Yes, yes, he'll do!

KO. He yields his life if I'll Yum-Yum surrender.
Now I adore that girl with passion tender,
And could not yield her with a ready will,
Or her allot,
If I did not
Adore myself with passion tenderer still!

Enter Yum-Yum, Peep-Bo, and Pitti-Sing.

ALL. Ah, yes!
He loves himself with passion tenderer still!
KO. (to Nanki-Poo). Take her--she's yours!

[Exit Ko-Ko

ENSEMBLE.

NANKI-POO. The threatened cloud has passed away,
YUM-YUM. And brightly shines the dawning day;
NANKI-POO. What though the night may come too soon,
YUM-YUM. There's yet a month of afternoon!

NANKI-POO, POOH-BAH, YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING,
and PEEP-BO.

Then let the throng
Our joy advance,
With laughing song
And merry dance,

CHORUS. With joyous shout and ringing cheer,
Inaugurate our brief career!

PITTI-SING. A day, a week, a month, a year--
YUM. Or far or near, or far or near,
POOH. Life's eventime comes much too soon,
PITTI-SING. You'll live at least a honeymoon!

ALL. Then let the throng, etc.

CHORUS. With joyous shout, etc.

SOLO--POOH-BAH.

As in a month you've got to die,
If Ko-Ko tells us true,
'Twere empty compliment to cry
"Long life to Nanki-Poo!"
But as one month you have to live
As fellow-citizen,
This toast with three times three we'll give--
"Long life to you--till then!"

[Exit
Pooh-Bah.

CHORUS. May all good fortune prosper you,
May you have health and riches too,
May you succeed in all you do!
Long life to you--till then!

(Dance.)

Enter Katisha melodramatically

KAT. Your revels cease! Assist me, all of you!
CHORUS. Why, who is this whose evil eyes
Rain blight on our festivities?
KAT. I claim my perjured lover, Nanki-Poo!
Oh, fool! to shun delights that never cloy!
CHORUS. Go, leave thy deadly work undone!
KAT. Come back, oh, shallow fool! come back to joy!
CHORUS. Away, away! ill-favoured one!

NANK. (aside to Yum-Yum). Ah!
'Tis Katisha!
The maid of whom I told you. (About to go.)

KAT. (detaining him). No!
You shall not go,
These arms shall thus enfold you!

SONG--KATISHA.

KAT. (addressing Nanki-Poo).
Oh fool, that fleest
My hallowed joys!
Oh blind, that seest
No equipoise!
Oh rash, that judgest
From half, the whole!
Oh base, that grudgest
Love's lightest dole!
Thy heart unbind,
Oh fool, oh blind!
Give me my place,
Oh rash, oh base!

CHORUS. If she's thy bride, restore her place,
Oh fool, oh blind, oh rash, oh base!

KAT. (addressing Yum-Yum).
Pink cheek, that rulest
Where wisdom serves!
Bright eye, that foolest
Heroic nerves!
Rose lip, that scornest
Lore-laden years!
Smooth tongue, that warnest
Who rightly hears!
Thy doom is nigh.
Pink cheek, bright eye!
Thy knell is rung,
Rose lip, smooth tongue!

CHORUS. If true her tale, thy knell is rung,
Pink cheek, bright eye, rose lip, smooth tongue!

PITTI-SING. Away, nor prosecute your quest--
From our intention, well expressed,
You cannot turn us!
The state of your connubial views
Towards the person you accuse
Does not concern us!
For he's going to marry Yum-Yum--
ALL. Yum-Yum!
PITTI. Your anger pray bury,
For all will be merry,
I think you had better succumb--
ALL. Cumb--cumb!
PITTI. And join our expressions of glee.
On this subject I pray you be dumb--
ALL. Dumb--dumb.
PITTI. You'll find there are many
Who'll wed for a penny--
The word for your guidance is "Mum"--
ALL. Mum--mum!
PITTI. There's lots of good fish in the sea!

ALL. On this subject we pray you be dumb, etc.

SOLO--KATISHA.

The hour of gladness
Is dead and gone;
In silent sadness
I live alone!
The hope I cherished
All lifeless lies,
And all has perished
Save love, which never dies!
Oh, faithless one, this insult you shall rue!
In vain for mercy on your knees you'll sue.
I'll tear the mask from your disguising!

NANK. (aside). Now comes the blow!
KAT. Prepare yourselves for news surprising!
NANK. (aside). How foil my foe?
KAT. No minstrel he, despite bravado!
YUM. (aside, struck by an idea). Ha! ha! I know!
KAT. He is the son of your----

(Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, and Chorus, interrupting, sing Japanese words,
to drown her voice.)

O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. In vain you interrupt with this tornado!
He is the only son of your----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. I'll spoil----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. Your gay gambado!
He is the son----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. Of your----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to!
KAT. The son of your----
ALL. O ni! bikkuri shakkuri to! oya! oya!

ENSEMBLE.

KATISHA. THE OTHERS.

Ye torrents roar! We'll hear no more,
Ye tempests howl! Ill-omened owl.
Your wrath outpour To joy we soar,
With angry growl! Despite your
scowl!
Do ye your worst, my vengeance The echoes of our festival
call
Shall rise triumphant over all! Shall rise triumphant over
all!
Prepare for woe, Away you go,
Ye haughty lords, Collect your
hordes;
At once I go Proclaim your woe
Mikado-wards, In dismal
chords
My wrongs with vengeance shall We do not heed their
dismal
be crowned! sound
My wrongs with vengeance shall For joy reigns everywhere
be crowned! around.

(Katisha rushes furiously up stage, clearing the crowd away right
and left, finishing on steps at the back of stage.)

END OF ACT I.

ACT II.

SCENE.--Ko-Ko's Garden.

Yum-Yum discovered seated at her bridal toilet, surrounded by
maidens, who are dressing her hair and painting her face and
lips, as she judges of the effect in a mirror.

SOLO--PITTI-SING and CHORUS OF GIRLS.

CHORUS. Braid the raven hair--
Weave the supple tress--
Deck the maiden fair
In her loveliness--
Paint the pretty face--
Dye the coral lip--
Emphasize the grace
Of her ladyship!
Art and nature, thus allied,
Go to make a pretty bride.

SOLO--PITTI-SING.

Sit with downcast eye
Let it brim with dew--
Try if you can cry--
We will do so, too.
When you're summoned, start
Like a frightened roe--
Flutter, little heart,
Colour, come and go!
Modesty at marriage-tide
Well becomes a pretty bride!

CHORUS.

Braid the raven hair, etc.

[Exeunt Pitti-Sing, Peep-Bo, and
Chorus.

YUM. Yes, I am indeed beautiful! Sometimes I sit and
wonder, in my artless Japanese way, why it is that I am so much
more attractive than anybody else in the whole world. Can this
be vanity? No! Nature is lovely and rejoices in her loveliness.
I am a child of Nature, and take after my mother.

SONG--YUM-YUM.

The sun, whose rays
Are all ablaze
With ever-living glory,
Does not deny
His majesty--
He scorns to tell a story!
He don't exclaim,
"I blush for shame,
So kindly be indulgent."
But, fierce and bold,
In fiery gold,
He glories effulgent!

I mean to rule the earth,
As he the sky--
We really know our worth,
The sun and I!

Observe his flame,
That placid dame,
The moon's Celestial Highness;
There's not a trace
Upon her face
Of diffidence or shyness:
She borrows light
That, through the night,
Mankind may all acclaim her!
And, truth to tell,
She lights up well,
So I, for one, don't blame her!

Ah, pray make no mistake,
We are not shy;
We're very wide awake,
The moon and I!

Enter Pitti-Sing and Peep-Bo.

YUM. Yes, everything seems to smile upon me. I am to be
married to-day to the man I love best and I believe I am the very
happiest girl in Japan!
PEEP. The happiest girl indeed, for she is indeed to be
envied who has attained happiness in all but perfection.
YUM. In "all but" perfection?
PEEP. Well, dear, it can't be denied that the fact that
your husband is to be beheaded in a month is, in its way, a
drawback. It does seem to take the top off it, you know.
PITTI. I don't know about that. It all depends!
PEEP. At all events, he will find it a drawback.
PITTI. Not necessarily. Bless you, it all depends!
YUM. (in tears). I think it very indelicate of you to
refer to such a subject on such a day. If my married happiness
is to be--to be--
PEEP. Cut short.
YUM. Well, cut short--in a month, can't you let me forget
it? (Weeping.)

Enter Nanki-Poo, followed by Go-To.

NANK. Yum-Yum in tears--and on her wedding morn!
YUM. (sobbing). They've been reminding me that in a month
you're to be beheaded! (Bursts into tears.)
PITTI. Yes, we've been reminding her that you're to be
beheaded. (Bursts into tears.)
PEEP. It's quite true, you know, you are to be beheaded!
(Bursts into tears.)
NANK. (aside). Humph! Now, some bridegrooms would be
depressed by this sort of thing! (Aloud.) A month? Well,
what's a month? Bah! These divisions of time are purely
arbitrary. Who says twenty-four hours make a day?
PITTI. There's a popular impression to that effect.
NANK. Then we'll efface it. We'll call each second a
minute--each minute an hour--each hour a day--and each day a
year. At that rate we've about thirty years of married happiness
before us!
PEEP. And, at that rate, this interview has already lasted
four hours and three-quarters!
[Exit
Peep-Bo.
YUM. (still sobbing). Yes. How time flies when one is
thoroughly enjoying oneself!
NANK. That's the way to look at it! Don't let's be
downhearted! There's a silver lining to every cloud.
YUM. Certainly. Let's--let's be perfectly happy! (Almost
in tears.)
GO-TO. By all means. Let's--let's thoroughly enjoy
ourselves.
PITTI. It's--it's absurd to cry! (Trying to force a
laugh.)
YUM. Quite ridiculous! (Trying to laugh.)

(All break into a forced and melancholy laugh.)

MADRIGAL.

YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, NANKI-POO, and PISH-TUSH

Brightly dawns our wedding day;
Joyous hour, we give thee greeting!
Whither, whither art thou fleeting?
Fickle moment, prithee stay!
What though mortal joys be hollow?
Pleasures come, if sorrows follow:
Though the tocsin sound, ere long,
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Yet until the shadows fall
Over one and over all,
Sing a merry madrigal--
A madrigal!

Fal-la--fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)

Let us dry the ready tear,
Though the hours are surely creeping
Little need for woeful weeping,
Till the sad sundown is near.
All must sip the cup of sorrow--
I to-day and thou to-morrow;
This the close of every song--
Ding dong! Ding dong!
What, though solemn shadows fall,
Sooner, later, over all?
Sing a merry madrigal--
A madrigal!

Fal-la--fal-la! etc. (Ending in tears.)

[Exeunt Pitti-Sing and
Pish-Tush.

(Nanki-Poo embraces Yum-Yum. Enter Ko-Ko. Nanki-Poo releases
Yum-Yum.)

KO. Go on--don't mind me.
NANK. I'm afraid we're distressing you.
KO. Never mind, I must get used to it. Only please do it
by degrees. Begin by putting your arm round her waist.
(Nanki-Poo does so.) There; let me get used to that first.
YUM. Oh, wouldn't you like to retire? It must pain you to
see us so affectionate together!
KO. No, I must learn to bear it! Now oblige me by allowing
her head to rest on your shoulder.
NANK. Like that? (He does so. Ko-Ko much affected.)
KO. I am much obliged to you. Now--kiss her! (He does so.
Ko-Ko writhes with anguish.) Thank you--it's simple torture!
YUM. Come, come, bear up. After all, it's only for a
month.
KO. No. It's no use deluding oneself with false hopes.
NANK. and YUM. What do you mean?
KO. (to Yum-Yum). My child--my poor child! (Aside.) How
shall I break it to her? (Aloud.) My little bride that was to
have been?
YUM. (delighted). Was to have been?
KO. Yes, you never can be mine!
NANK. and YUM. (simultaneously, in ecstacy) What!/I'm so
glad!
KO. I've just ascertained that, by the Mikado's law, when a
married man is beheaded his wife is buried alive.
NANK. and YUM. Buried alive!
KO. Buried alive. It's a most unpleasant death.
NANK. But whom did you get that from?
KO. Oh, from Pooh-Bah. He's my Solicitor.
YUM. But he may be mistaken!
KO. So I thought; so I consulted the Attorney General, the
Lord Chief Justice, the Master of the Rolls, the Judge Ordinary,
and the Lord Chancellor. They're all of the same opinion. Never
knew such unanimity on a point of law in my life!
NANK. But stop a bit! This law has never been put in
force.
KO. Not yet. You see, flirting is the only crime
punishable with decapitation, and married men never flirt.
NANK. Of course, they don't. I quite forgot that! Well, I
suppose I may take it that my dream of happiness is at an end!
YUM. Darling--I don't want to appear selfish, and I love
you with all my heart--I don't suppose I shall ever love anybody
else half as much--but when I agreed to marry you--my own--I had
no idea--pet--that I should have to be buried alive in a month!
NANK. Nor I! It's the very first I've heard of it!
YUM. It--it makes a difference, doesn't it?
NANK. It does make a difference, of course.
YUM. You see--burial alive--it's such a stuffy death!
NANK. I call it a beast of a death.
YUM. You see my difficulty, don't you?
NANK. Yes, and I see my own. If I insist on your carrying
out your promise, I doom you to a hideous death; if I release
you, you marry Ko-Ko at once!

TRIO.--YUM-YUM, NANKI-POO, and KO-KO.

YUM. Here's a how-de-do!
If I marry you,
When your time has come to perish,
Then the maiden whom you cherish
Must be slaughtered, too!
Here's a how-de-do!

NANK. Here's a pretty mess!
In a month, or less,
I must die without a wedding!
Let the bitter tears I'm shedding
Witness my distress,
Here's a pretty mess!

KO. Here's a state of things
To her life she clings!
Matrimonial devotion
Doesn't seem to suit her notion--
Burial it brings!
Here's a state of things!

ENSEMBLE

YUM-YUM and NANKI-POO. KO-KO.