The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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With a passion that's intense With a passion that's
intense
I worship and adore, You worship and adore,
But the laws of common sense But the laws of common
sense
We oughtn't to ignore. You oughtn't to
ignore.
If what he says is true, If what I say is true,
'Tis death to marry you! 'Tis death to marry
you!
Here's a pretty state of things! Here's a pretty state of
things!
Here's a pretty how-de-do! Here's a pretty
how-de-do!

[Exit
Yum-Yum.

KO. (going up to Nanki-Poo). My poor boy, I'm really very
sorry for you.
NANK. Thanks, old fellow. I'm sure you are.
KO. You see I'm quite helpless.
NANK. I quite see that.
KO. I can't conceive anything more distressing than to have
one's marriage broken off at the last moment. But you shan't be
disappointed of a wedding--you shall come to mine.
NANK. It's awfully kind of you, but that's impossible.
KO. Why so?
NANK. To-day I die.
KO. What do you mean?
NANK. I can't live without Yum-Yum. This afternoon I
perform the Happy Despatch.
KO. No, no--pardon me--I can't allow that.
NANK. Why not?
KO. Why, hang it all, you're under contract to die by the
hand of the Public Executioner in a month's time! If you kill
yourself, what's to become of me? Why, I shall have to be
executed in your place!
NANK. It would certainly seem so!

Enter Pooh-Bah.

KO. Now then, Lord Mayor, what is it?
POOH. The Mikado and his suite are approaching the city,
and will be here in ten minutes.
KO. The Mikado! He's coming to see whether his orders have
been carried out! (To Nanki-Poo.) Now look here, you know--this
is getting serious--a bargain's a bargain, and you really mustn't
frustrate the ends of justice by committing suicide. As a man of
honour and a gentleman, you are bound to die ignominiously by the
hands of the Public Executioner.
NANK. Very well, then--behead me.
KO. What, now?
NANK. Certainly; at once.
POOH. Chop it off! Chop it off!
KO. My good sir, I don't go about prepared to execute
gentlemen at a moment's notice. Why, I never even killed a
blue-bottle!
POOH. Still, as Lord High Executioner----
KO. My good sir, as Lord High Executioner, I've got to
behead him in a month. I'm not ready yet. I don't know how it's
done. I'm going to take lessons. I mean to begin with a guinea
pig, and work my way through the animal kingdom till I come to a
Second Trombone. Why, you don't suppose that, as a humane man,
I'd have accepted the post of Lord High Executioner if I hadn't
thought the duties were purely nominal? I can't kill you--I
can't kill anything! I can't kill anybody! (Weeps.)
NANK. Come, my poor fellow, we all have unpleasant duties
to discharge at times; after all, what is it? If I don't mind,
why should you? Remember, sooner or later it must be done.
KO. (springing up suddenly). Must it? I'm not so sure
about that!
NANK. What do you mean?
KO. Why should I kill you when making an affidavit that
you've been executed will do just as well? Here are plenty of
witnesses--the Lord Chief Justice, Lord High Admiral,
Commander-in-Chief, Secretary of State for the Home Department,
First Lord of the Treasury, and Chief Commissioner of Police.
NANK. But where are they?
KO. There they are. They'll all swear to it--won't you?
(To Pooh-Bah.)
POOH. Am I to understand that all of us high Officers of
State are required to perjure ourselves to ensure your safety?
KO. Why not! You'll be grossly insulted, as usual.
POOH. Will the insult be cash down, or at a date?
KO. It will be a ready-money transaction.
POOH. (Aside.) Well, it will be a useful discipline.
(Aloud.) Very good. Choose your fiction, and I'll endorse it!
(Aside.) Ha! ha! Family Pride, how do you like that, my buck?
NANK. But I tell you that life without Yum-Yum----
KO. Oh, Yum-Yum, Yum-Yum! Bother Yum-Yum! Here,
Commissionaire (to Pooh-Bah), go and fetch Yum-Yum. (Exit
Pooh-Bah.) Take Yum-Yum and marry Yum-Yum, only go away and never
come back again. (Enter Pooh-Bah with Yum-Yum.) Here she is.
Yum-Yum, are you particularly busy?
YUM. Not particularly.
KO. You've five minutes to spare?
YUM. Yes.
KO. Then go along with his Grace the Archbishop of Titipu;
he'll marry you at once.
YUM. But if I'm to be buried alive?
KO. Now, don't ask any questions, but do as I tell you, and
Nanki-Poo will explain all.
NANK. But one moment----
KO. Not for worlds. Here comes the Mikado, no doubt to
ascertain whether I've obeyed his decree, and if he finds you
alive I shall have the greatest difficulty in persuading him that
I've beheaded you. (Exeunt Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum, followed by
Pooh-Bah.) Close thing that, for here he comes!

[Exit Ko-Ko.

March.--Enter procession, heralding Mikado, with Katisha.

Entrance of Mikado and Katisha.

("March of the Mikado's troops.")

CHORUS. Miya sama, miya sama,
On n'm-ma no maye ni
Pira-Pira suru no wa
Nan gia na
Toko tonyare tonyare na?

DUET--MIKADO and KATISHA.

MIK. From every kind of man
Obedience I expect;
I'm the Emperor of Japan--

KAT. And I'm his daughter-in-law elect!
He'll marry his son
(He's only got one)
To his daughter-in-law elect!

MIK. My morals have been declared
Particularly correct;

KAT. But they're nothing at all, compared
With those of his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!

ALL. Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect.

MIK. In a fatherly kind of way
I govern each tribe and sect,
All cheerfully own my sway--

KAT. Except his daughter-in-law elect!
As tough as a bone,
With a will of her own,
Is his daughter-in-law elect!

MIK. My nature is love and light--
My freedom from all defect--

KAT. Is insignificant quite,
Compared with his daughter-in-law elect!
Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!

ALL. Bow--Bow--
To his daughter-in-law elect!

SONG--MIKADO and CHORUS.

A more humane Mikado never
Did in Japan exist,
To nobody second,
I'm certainly reckoned
A true philanthropist.
It is my very humane endeavour
To make, to some extent,
Each evil liver
A running river
Of harmless merriment.

My object all sublime
I shall achieve in time--
To let the punishment fit the crime--
The punishment fit the crime;
And make each prisoner pent
Unwillingly represent
A source of innocent merriment!
Of innocent merriment!

All prosy dull society sinners,
Who chatter and bleat and bore,
Are sent to hear sermons
From mystical Germans
Who preach from ten till four.
The amateur tenor, whose vocal villainies
All desire to shirk,
Shall, during off-hours,
Exhibit his powers
To Madame Tussaud's waxwork.

The lady who dyes a chemical yellow
Or stains her grey hair puce,
Or pinches her figure,
Is painted with vigour
With permanent walnut juice.
The idiot who, in railway carriages,
Scribbles on window-panes,
We only suffer
To ride on a buffer
In Parliamentary trains.

My object all sublime, etc.

CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.

The advertising quack who wearies
With tales of countless cures,
His teeth, I've enacted,
Shall all be extracted
By terrified amateurs.
The music-hall singer attends a series
Of masses and fugues and "ops"
By Bach, interwoven
With Spohr and Beethoven,
At classical Monday Pops.

The billiard sharp who any one catches,
His doom's extremely hard--
He's made to dwell--
In a dungeon cell
On a spot that's always barred.
And there he plays extravagant matches
In fitless finger-stalls
On a cloth untrue
With a twisted cue
And elliptical billiard balls!

My object all sublime, etc.

CHORUS. His object all sublime, etc.

Enter Pooh-Bah, Ko-Ko, and Pitti-Sing. All kneel

(Pooh-Bah hands a paper to Ko-Ko.)

KO. I am honoured in being permitted to welcome your
Majesty. I guess the object of your Majesty's visit--your wishes
have been attended to. The execution has taken place.
MIK. Oh, you've had an execution, have you?
KO. Yes. The Coroner has just handed me his certificate.
POOH. I am the Coroner. (Ko-Ko hands certificate to
Mikado.)
MIK. And this is the certificate of his death. (Reads.)
"At Titipu, in the presence of the Lord Chancellor, Lord Chief
Justice, Attorney-General, Secretary of State for the Home
Department, Lord Mayor, and Groom of the Second Floor Front----"
POOH. They were all present, your Majesty. I counted them
myself.
MIK. Very good house. I wish I'd been in time for the
performance.
KO. A tough fellow he was, too--a man of gigantic strength.
His struggles were terrific. It was a remarkable scene.
MIK. Describe it.

TRIO and CHORUS.

KO-KO, PITTI-SING, POOH-BAH and CHORUS.

KO. The criminal cried, as he dropped him down,
In a state of wild alarm--
With a frightful, frantic, fearful frown,
I bared my big right arm.
I seized him by his little pig-tail,
And on his knees fell he,
As he squirmed and struggled,
And gurgled and guggled,
I drew my snickersnee!
Oh, never shall I
Forget the cry,
Or the shriek that shrieked he,
As I gnashed my teeth,
When from its sheath
I drew my snickersnee!

CHORUS.

We know him well,
He cannot tell
Untrue or groundless tales--
He always tries
To utter lies,
And every time he fails.

PITTI. He shivered and shook as he gave the sign
For the stroke he didn't deserve;
When all of a sudden his eye met mine,
And it seemed to brace his nerve;
For he nodded his head and kissed his hand,
And he whistled an air, did he,
As the sabre true
Cut cleanly through
His cervical vertebrae!

When a man's afraid,
A beautiful maid
Is a cheering sight to see;
And it's oh, I'm glad
That moment sad
Was soothed by sight of me!

CHORUS.

Her terrible tale
You can't assail,
With truth it quite agrees:
Her taste exact
For faultless fact
Amounts to a disease.

POOH. Now though you'd have said that head was dead
(For its owner dead was he),
It stood on its neck, with a smile well-bred,
And bowed three times to me!
It was none of your impudent off-hand nods,
But as humble as could be;
For it clearly knew
The deference due
To a man of pedigree!
And it's oh, I vow,
This deathly bow
Was a touching sight to see;
Though trunkless, yet
It couldn't forget
The deference due to me!

CHORUS.

This haughty youth,
He speaks the truth
Whenever he finds it pays:
And in this case
It all took place
Exactly as he says!
[Exeunt
Chorus.

MIK. All this is very interesting, and I should like to
have seen it. But we came about a totally different matter. A
year ago my son, the heir to the throne of Japan, bolted from our
Imperial Court.
KO. Indeed! Had he any reason to be dissatisfied with his
position?
KAT. None whatever. On the contrary, I was going to marry
him--yet he fled!
POOH. I am surprised that he should have fled from one so
lovely!
KAT. That's not true.
POOH. No!
KAT. You hold that I am not beautiful because my face is
plain. But you know nothing; you are still unenlightened.
Learn, then, that it is not in the face alone that beauty is to
be sought. My face is unattractive!
POOH. It is.
KAT. But I have a left shoulder-blade that is a miracle of
loveliness. People come miles to see it. My right elbow has a
fascination that few can resist.
POOH. Allow me!
KAT. It is on view Tuesdays and Fridays, on presentation of
visiting card. As for my circulation, it is the largest in the
world.
KO. And yet he fled!
MIK. And is now masquerading in this town, disguised as a
Second Trombone.
KO., POOH., and PITTI. A Second Trombone!
MIK. Yes; would it be troubling you too much if I asked you
to produce him? He goes by the name of----
KAT. Nanki-Poo.
MIK. Nanki-Poo.
KO. It's quite easy. That is, it's rather difficult. In
point of fact, he's gone abroad!
MIK. Gone abroad! His address.
KO. Knightsbridge!
KAT. (who is reading certificate of death). Ha!
MIK. What's the matter?
KAT. See here--his name--Nanki-Poo--beheaded this morning.
Oh, where shall I find another? Where shall I find another?

[Ko-Ko, Pooh-Bah, and Pitti-Sing fall on
their knees.

MIK. (looking at paper). Dear, dear, dear! this is very
tiresome. (To Ko-Ko.) My poor fellow, in your anxiety to carry
out my wishes you have beheaded the heir to the throne of Japan!
KO. I beg to offer an unqualified apology.
POOH. I desire to associate myself with that expression of
regret.
PITTI. We really hadn't the least notion--
MIK. Of course you hadn't. How could you? Come, come, my
good fellow, don't distress yourself--it was no fault of yours.
If a man of exalted rank chooses to disguise himself as a Second
Trombone, he must take the consequences. It really distresses me
to see you take on so. I've no doubt he thoroughly deserved all
he got. (They rise.)
KO. We are infinitely obliged to your Majesty----
PITTI. Much obliged, your Majesty.
POOH. Very much obliged, your Majesty.
MIK. Obliged? not a bit. Don't mention it. How could you
tell?
POOH. No, of course we couldn't tell who the gentleman
really was.
PITTI. It wasn't written on his forehead, you know.
KO. It might have been on his pocket-handkerchief, but
Japanese don't use pocket-handkerchiefs! Ha! ha! ha!
MIK. Ha! ha! ha! (To Katisha.) I forget the punishment for
compassing the death of the Heir Apparent.
KO., POOH, and PITTI. Punishment. (They drop down on their
knees again.)
MIK. Yes. Something lingering, with boiling oil in it, I
fancy. Something of that sort. I think boiling oil occurs in
it, but I'm not sure. I know it's something humorous, but
lingering, with either boiling oil or melted lead. Come, come,
don't fret--I'm not a bit angry.
KO. (in abject terror). If your Majesty will accept our
assurance, we had no idea----
MIK. Of course----
PITTI. I knew nothing about it.
POOH. I wasn't there.
MIK. That's the pathetic part of it. Unfortunately, the
fool of an Act says "compassing the death of the Heir Apparent."
There's not a word about a mistake----
KO., PITTI., and POOH. No!
MIK. Or not knowing----
KO. No!
MIK. Or having no notion----
PITTI. No!
MIK. Or not being there----
POOH. No!
MIK. There should be, of course---
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Yes!
MIK. But there isn't.
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh!
MIK. That's the slovenly way in which these Acts are always
drawn. However, cheer up, it'll be all right. I'll have it
altered next session. Now, let's see about your execution--will
after luncheon suit you? Can you wait till then?
KO., PITTI., and POOH. Oh, yes--we can wait till then!
MIK. Then we'll make it after luncheon.
POOH. I don't want any lunch.
MIK. I'm really very sorry for you all, but it's an unjust
world, and virtue is triumphant only in theatrical performances.

GLEE.

PITTI-SING, KATISHA, KO-KO, POOH-BAH, and MIKADO,

MIK. See how the Fates their gifts allot,
For A is happy--B is not.
Yet B is worthy, I dare say,
Of more prosperity than A!
KO., POOH., and PITTI. Is B more worthy?
KAT. I should say
He's worth a great deal more than A.
ENSEMBLE: Yet A is happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
Ever joyous, ever gay,
Happy, undeserving A!
KO., POOH., and PITTI. If I were Fortune--which I'm not--
B should enjoy A's happy lot,
And A should die in miserie--
That is, assuming I am B.
MIK. and KAT. But should A perish?
KO., POOH., and PITTI. That should be
(Of course, assuming I am B).
B should be happy!
Oh, so happy!
Laughing, Ha! ha!
Chaffing, Ha! ha!
Nectar quaffing, Ha! ha! ha!
But condemned to die is he,
Wretched meritorious B!

[Exeunt Mikado and
Katisha.

KO. Well, a nice mess you've got us into, with your nodding
head and the deference due to a man of pedigree!
POOH. Merely corroborative detail, intended to give
artistic verisimilitude to an otherwise bald and unconvincing
narrative.
PITTI. Corroborative detail indeed! Corroborative
fiddlestick!
KO. And you're just as bad as he is with your cock--
and-a-bull stories about catching his eye and his whistling an
air. But that's so like you! You must put in your oar!
POOH. But how about your big right arm?
PITTI. Yes, and your snickersnee!
KO. Well, well, never mind that now. There's only one
thing to be done. Nanki-Poo hasn't started yet--he must come to
life again at once. (Enter Nanki-Poo and Yum-Yum prepared for
journey.) Here he comes. Here, Nanki-Poo, I've good news for
you--you're reprieved.
NANK. Oh, but it's too late. I'm a dead man, and I'm off
for my honeymoon.
KO. Nonsense! A terrible thing has just happened. It
seems you're the son of the Mikado.
NANK. Yes, but that happened some time ago.
KO. Is this a time for airy persiflage? Your father is
here, and with Katisha!
NANK. My father! And with Katisha!
KO. Yes, he wants you particularly.
POOH. So does she.
YUM. Oh, but he's married now.
KO. But, bless my heart! what has that to do with it?
NANK. Katisha claims me in marriage, but I can't marry her
because I'm married already--consequently she will insist on my
execution, and if I'm executed, my wife will have to be buried
alive.
YUM. You see our difficulty.
KO. Yes. I don't know what's to be done.
NANK. There's one chance for you. If you could persuade
Katisha to marry you, she would have no further claim on me, and
in that case I could come to life without any fear of being put
to death.
KO. I marry Katisha!
YUM. I really think it's the only course.
KO. But, my good girl, have you seen her? She's something
appalling!
PITTI. Ah! that's only her face. She has a left elbow
which people come miles to see!
POOH. I am told that her right heel is much admired by
connoisseurs.
KO. My good sir, I decline to pin my heart upon any lady's
right heel.
NANK. It comes to this: While Katisha is single, I prefer
to be a disembodied spirit. When Katisha is married, existence
will be as welcome as the flowers in spring.

DUET--NANKI-POO and KO-KO.

(With YUM-YUM, PITTI-SING, and POOH-BAH.)

NANK. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Breathe promise of merry sunshine--
As we merrily dance and we sing,
Tra la,
We welcome the hope that they bring,
Tra la,
Of a summer of roses and wine.
And that's what we mean when we say that a
thing
Is welcome as flowers that bloom in the
spring.
Tra la la la la la, etc.

ALL. Tra la la la, etc.

KO. The flowers that bloom in the spring,
Tra la,
Have nothing to do with the case.
I've got to take under my wing,
Tra la,
A most unattractive old thing,
Tra la,
With a caricature of a face
And that's what I mean when I say, or I sing,
"Oh, bother the flowers that bloom in the spring."
Tra la la la la la, etc.

ALL. Tra la la la, Tra la la la, etc.

[Dance and exeunt Nanki-Poo, Yum-Yum, Pooh-Bah, Pitti-Sing, and
Ko-Ko.

Enter Katisha.

RECITATIVE and SONG.--KATISHA.

Alone, and yet alive! Oh, sepulchre!
My soul is still my body's prisoner!
Remote the peace that Death alone can give--
My doom, to wait! my punishment, to live!

SONG.

Hearts do not break!
They sting and ache
For old love's sake,
But do not die,
Though with each breath
They long for death
As witnesseth
The living I!
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
Why linger here,
Where all is drear?
Oh, living I!
Come, tell me why,
When hope is gone,
Dost thou stay on?
May not a cheated maiden die?

KO. (entering and approaching her timidly). Katisha!
KAT. The miscreant who robbed me of my love! But vengeance
pursues--they are heating the cauldron!
KO. Katisha--behold a suppliant at your feet!
Katisha--mercy!
KAT. Mercy? Had you mercy on him? See here, you! You
have slain my love. He did not love me, but he would have loved
me in time. I am an acquired taste--only the educated palate can
appreciate me. I was educating his palate when he left me.
Well, he is dead, and where shall I find another? It takes years
to train a man to love me. Am I to go through the weary round
again, and, at the same time, implore mercy for you who robbed me
of my prey--I mean my pupil--just as his education was on the
point of completion? Oh, where shall I find another?
KO. (suddenly, and with great vehemence). Here!--Here!
KAT. What!!!
KO. (with intense passion). Katisha, for years I have
loved you with a white-hot passion that is slowly but surely
consuming my very vitals! Ah, shrink not from me! If there is
aught of woman's mercy in your heart, turn not away from a
love-sick suppliant whose every fibre thrills at your tiniest
touch! True it is that, under a poor mask of disgust, I have
endeavoured to conceal a passion whose inner fires are broiling
the soul within me! But the fire will not be smothered--it
defies all attempts at extinction, and, breaking forth, all the
more eagerly for its long restraint, it declares itself in words
that will not be weighed--that cannot be schooled--that should
not be too severely criticised. Katisha, I dare not hope for
your love--but I will not live without it! Darling!
KAT. You, whose hands still reek with the blood of my
betrothed, dare to address words of passion to the woman you have
so foully wronged!
KO. I do--accept my love, or I perish on the spot!
KAT. Go to! Who knows so well as I that no one ever yet
died of a broken heart!
KO. You know not what you say. Listen!