The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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DUET--CASILDA and LUIZ.

LUIZ. There was a time--
A time for ever gone--ah, woe is me!
It was no crime
To love but thee alone--ah, woe is me!
One heart, one life, one soul,
One aim, one goal--
Each in the other's thrall,
Each all in all, ah, woe is me!

BOTH. Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er
The days that were--that never will be more!
Oh, bury, bury love that all condemn,
And let the whirlwind mourn its requiem!

CAS. Dead as the last year's leaves--
As gathered flowers--ah, woe is me!
Dead as the garnered sheaves,
That love of ours--ah, woe is me!
Born but to fade and die
When hope was high,
Dead and as far away
As yesterday!--ah, woe is me!

BOTH. Oh, bury, bury--let the grave close o'er, etc.

(Re-enter from the Ducal Palace the Duke and Duchess, followed by
Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor.)

DUKE. My child, allow me to present to you His Distinction
Don Alhambra del Bolero, the Grand Inquisitor of Spain. It was
His Distinction who so thoughtfully abstracted your infant
husband and brought him to Venice.
DON AL. So this is the little lady who is so unexpectedly
called upon to assume the functions of Royalty! And a very nice
little lady, too!
DUKE. Jimp, isn't she?
DON AL. Distinctly jimp. Allow me! (Offers his hand. She
turns away scornfully.) Naughty temper!
DUKE. You must make some allowance. Her Majesty's head is
a little turned by her access of dignity.
DON AL. I could have wished that Her Majesty's access of
dignity had turned it in this direction.
DUCH. Unfortunately, if I am not mistaken, there appears to
be some little doubt as to His Majesty's whereabouts.
CAS. (aside). A doubt as to his whereabouts? Then we may
yet be saved!
DON AL. A doubt? Oh dear, no--no doubt at all! He is
here, in Venice, plying the modest but picturesque calling of a
gondolier. I can give you his address--I see him every day! In
the entire annals of our history there is absolutely no
circumstance so entirely free from all manner of doubt of any
kind whatever! Listen, and I'll tell you all about it.

SONG--DON ALHAMBRA
(with DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, and LUIZ).

I stole the Prince, and I brought him here,
And left him gaily prattling
With a highly respectable gondolier,
Who promised the Royal babe to rear,
And teach him the trade of a timoneer
With his own beloved bratling.

Both of the babes were strong and stout,
And, considering all things, clever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt--
No probable, possible shadow of doubt--
No possible doubt whatever.

ALL. No possible doubt whatever.

But owing, I'm much disposed to fear,
To his terrible taste for tippling,
That highly respectable gondolier
Could never declare with a mind sincere
Which of the two was his offspring dear,
And which the Royal stripling!

Which was which he could never make out
Despite his best endeavour.
Of that there is no manner of doubt--
No probable, possible shadow of doubt--
No possible doubt whatever.

ALL. No possible doubt whatever.

Time sped, and when at the end of a year
I sought that infant cherished,
That highly respectable gondolier
Was lying a corpse on his humble bier--
I dropped a Grand Inquisitor's tear--
That gondolier had perished.

A taste for drink, combined with gout,
Had doubled him up for ever.
Of that there is no manner of doubt--
No probable, possible shadow of doubt--
No possible doubt whatever.

ALL. No possible doubt whatever.

The children followed his old career--
(This statement can't be parried)
Of a highly respectable gondolier:
Well, one of the two (who will soon be here)--
But which of the two is not quite clear--
Is the Royal Prince you married!

Search in and out and round about,
And you'll discover never
A tale so free from every doubt--
All probable, possible shadow of doubt--
All possible doubt whatever!

ALL. A tale free from every doubt, etc.

CAS. Then do you mean to say that I am married to one of
two gondoliers, but it is impossible to say which?
DON AL. Without any doubt of any kind whatever. But be
reassured: the nurse to whom your husband was entrusted is the
mother of the musical young man who is such a past-master of that
delicately modulated instrument (indicating the drum). She can,
no doubt, establish the King's identity beyond all question.
LUIZ. Heavens, how did he know that?
DON AL. My young friend, a Grand Inquisitor is always up to
date. (To Cas.) His mother is at present the wife of a highly
respectable and old-established brigand, who carries on an
extensive practice in the mountains around Cordova. Accompanied
by two of my emissaries, he will set off at once for his mother's
address. She will return with them, and if she finds any
difficulty in making up her mind, the persuasive influence of the
torture chamber will jog her memory.

RECITATIVE--CASILDA and DON ALHAMBRA.

CAS. But, bless my heart, consider my position!
I am the wife of one, that's very clear;
But who can tell, except by intuition,
Which is the Prince, and which the Gondolier?

DON AL. Submit to Fate without unseemly wrangle:
Such complications frequently occur--
Life is one closely complicated tangle:
Death is the only true unraveller!

QUINTET--DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, LUIZ, and GRAND INQUISITOR.

ALL. Try we life-long, we can never
Straighten out life's tangled skein,
Why should we, in vain endeavour,
Guess and guess and guess again?

LUIZ. Life's a pudding full of plums,

DUCH. Care's a canker that benumbs.

ALL. Life's a pudding full of plums,
Care's a canker that benumbs.
Wherefore waste our elocution
On impossible solution?
Life's a pleasant institution,
Let us take it as it comes!

Set aside the dull enigma,
We shall guess it all too soon;
Failure brings no kind of stigma--
Dance we to another tune!

LUIZ. String the lyre and fill the cup,

DUCH. Lest on sorrow we should sup.

ALL. Hop and skip to Fancy's fiddle,
Hands across and down the middle--
Life's perhaps the only riddle
That we shrink from giving up!

(Exeunt all into Ducal Palace except Luiz, who goes off in
gondola.)

(Enter Gondoliers and Contadine, followed by Marco, Gianetta,
Giuseppe, and Tessa.)

CHORUS.

Bridegroom and bride!
Knot that's insoluble,
Voices all voluble
Hail it with pride.
Bridegroom and bride!
We in sincerity
Wish you prosperity,
Bridegroom and bride!

SONG--TESSA.

TESS. When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right, and nothing's wrong!
From to-day and ever after
Let our tears be tears of laughter.
Every sigh that finds a vent
Be a sigh of sweet content!
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with love is laden;
Every flower is a rose,
Every goose becomes a swan,
Every kind of trouble goes
Where the last year's snows have gone!

CHORUS. Sunlight takes the place of shade
When you marry, merry maid!

TESS. When a merry maiden marries,
Sorrow goes and pleasure tarries;
Every sound becomes a song,
All is right, and nothing's wrong.
Gnawing Care and aching Sorrow,
Get ye gone until to-morrow;
Jealousies in grim array,
Ye are things of yesterday!
When you marry, merry maiden,
Then the air with joy is laden;
All the corners of the earth
Ring with music sweetly played,
Worry is melodious mirth,
Grief is joy in masquerade;

CHORUS. Sullen night is laughing day--
All the year is merry May!

(At the end of the song, Don Alhambra enters at back. The
Gondoliers and Contadine shrink from him, and gradually go off,
much alarmed.)

GIU. And now our lives are going to begin in real earnest!
What's a bachelor? A mere nothing--he's a chrysalis. He can't
be said to live--he exists.
MAR. What a delightful institution marriage is! Why have
we wasted all this time? Why didn't we marry ten years ago?
TESS. Because you couldn't find anybody nice enough.
GIA. Because you were waiting for us.
MAR. I suppose that was the reason. We were waiting for
you without knowing it. (Don Alhambra comes forward.) Hallo!
DON AL. Good morning.
GIU. If this gentleman is an undertaker it's a bad omen.
DON AL. Ceremony of some sort going on?
GIU. (aside). He is an undertaker! (Aloud.) No--a little
unimportant family gathering. Nothing in your line.
DON AL. Somebody's birthday, I suppose?
GIA. Yes, mine!
TESS. And mine!
MAR. And mine!
GIU. And mine!
DON AL. Curious coincidence! And how old may you all be?
TESS. It's a rude question--but about ten minutes.
DON AL. Remarkably fine children! But surely you are
jesting?
TESS. In other words, we were married about ten minutes
since.
DON AL. Married! You don't mean to say you are married?
MAR. Oh yes, we are married.
DON AL. What, both of you?
ALL. All four of us.
DON AL. (aside). Bless my heart, how extremely awkward!
GIA. You don't mind, I suppose?
TESS. You were not thinking of either of us for yourself, I
presume? Oh, Giuseppe, look at him--he was. He's heart-broken!
DON AL. No, no, I wasn't! I wasn't!
GIU. Now, my man (slapping him on the back), we don't want
anything in your line to-day, and if your curiosity's
satisfied--you can go!
DON AL. You mustn't call me your man. It's a liberty. I
don't think you know who I am.
GIU. Not we, indeed! We are jolly gondoliers, the sons of
Baptisto Palmieri, who led the last revolution. Republicans,
heart and soul, we hold all men to be equal. As we abhor
oppression, we abhor kings: as we detest vain-glory, we detest
rank: as we despise effeminacy, we despise wealth. We are
Venetian gondoliers--your equals in everything except our
calling, and in that at once your masters and your servants.
DON AL. Bless my heart, how unfortunate! One of you may be
Baptisto's son, for anything I know to the contrary; but the
other is no less a personage than the only son of the late King
of Barataria.
ALL. What!
DON AL. And I trust--I trust it was that one who slapped me
on the shoulder and called me his man!
GIU. One of us a king!
MAR. Not brothers!
TESS. The King of Barataria! [Together]
GIA. Well, who'd have thought it!
MAR. But which is it?
DON AL. What does it matter? As you are both Republicans,
and hold kings in detestation, of course you'll abdicate at once.
Good morning! (Going.)
GIA. and TESS. Oh, don't do that! (Marco and Giuseppe stop
him.)
GIU. Well, as to that, of course there are kings and kings.
When I say that I detest kings, I mean I detest bad kings.
DON AL. I see. It's a delicate distinction.
GIU. Quite so. Now I can conceive a kind of king--an ideal
king--the creature of my fancy, you know--who would be absolutely
unobjectionable. A king, for instance, who would abolish taxes
and make everything cheap, except gondolas--
MAR. And give a great many free entertainments to the
gondoliers--
GIU. And let off fireworks on the Grand Canal, and engage
all the gondolas for the occasion--
MAR. And scramble money on the Rialto among the gondoliers.
GIU. Such a king would be a blessing to his people, and if
I were a king, that is the sort of king I would be.
MAR. And so would I!
DON AL. Come, I'm glad to find your objections are not
insuperable.
MAR. and GIU. Oh, they're not insuperable.
GIA. and TESS. No, they're not insuperable.
GIU. Besides, we are open to conviction.
GIA. Yes; they are open to conviction.
TESS. Oh! they've often been convicted.
GIU. Our views may have been hastily formed on insufficient
grounds. They may be crude, ill-digested, erroneous. I've a
very poor opinion of the politician who is not open to
conviction.
TESS. (to Gia.). Oh, he's a fine fellow!
GIA. Yes, that's the sort of politician for my money!
DON AL. Then we'll consider it settled. Now, as the
country is in a state of insurrection, it is absolutely necessary
that you should assume the reins of Government at once; and,
until it is ascertained which of you is to be king, I have
arranged that you will reign jointly, so that no question can
arise hereafter as to the validity of any of your acts.
MAR. As one individual?
DON AL. As one individual.
GIU. (linking himself with Marco). Like this?
DON AL. Something like that.
MAR. And we may take our friends with us, and give them
places about the Court?
DON AL. Undoubtedly. That's always done!
MAR. I'm convinced!
GIU. So am I!
TESS. Then the sooner we're off the better.
GIA. We'll just run home and pack up a few things (going)--
DON AL. Stop, stop--that won't do at all--ladies are not
admitted.
ALL. What!
DON AL. Not admitted. Not at present. Afterwards,
perhaps. We'll see.
GIU. Why, you don't mean to say you are going to separate
us from our wives!
DON AL. (aside). This is very awkward! (Aloud.) Only for
a time--a few months. Alter all, what is a few months?
TESS. But we've only been married half an hour! (Weeps.)

FINALE, ACT I.

SONG--GIANETTA.

Kind sir, you cannot have the heart
Our lives to part
From those to whom an hour ago
We were united!
Before our flowing hopes you stem,
Ah, look at them,
And pause before you deal this blow,
All uninvited!
You men can never understand
That heart and hand
Cannot be separated when
We go a-yearning;
You see, you've only women's eyes
To idolize
And only women's hearts, poor men,
To set you burning!
Ah me, you men will never understand
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

Some kind of charm you seem to find
In womankind--
Some source of unexplained delight
(Unless you're jesting),
But what attracts you, I confess,
I cannot guess,
To me a woman's face is quite
Uninteresting!
If from my sister I were torn,
It could be borne--
I should, no doubt, be horrified,
But I could bear it;--
But Marco's quite another thing--
He is my King,
He has my heart and none beside
Shall ever share it!
Ah me, you men will never understand
That woman's heart is one with woman's hand!

RECITATIVE--DON ALHAMBRA.

Do not give way to this uncalled-for grief,
Your separation will be very brief.
To ascertain which is the King
And which the other,
To Barataria's Court I'll bring
His foster-mother;
Her former nurseling to declare
She'll be delighted.
That settled, let each happy pair
Be reunited.

MAR., GIU., Viva! His argument is strong!
GIA., TESS. Viva! We'll not be parted long!
Viva! It will be settled soon!
Viva! Then comes our honeymoon!

(Exit Don
Alhambra.)

QUARTET--MARCO, GIUSEPPE., GIANETTA, TESSA.

GIA. Then one of us will be a Queen,
And sit on a golden throne,
With a crown instead
Of a hat on her head,
And diamonds all her own!
With a beautiful robe of gold and green,
I've always understood;
I wonder whether
She'd wear a feather?
I rather think she should!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen!
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

MAR. She'll drive about in a carriage and pair,
With the King on her left-hand side,
And a milk-white horse,
As a matter of course,
Whenever she wants to ride!
With beautiful silver shoes to wear
Upon her dainty feet;
With endless stocks
Of beautiful frocks
And as much as she wants to eat!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

TESS. Whenever she condescends to walk,
Be sure she'll shine at that,
With her haughty stare
And her nose in the air,
Like a well-born aristocrat!
At elegant high society talk
She'll bear away the bell,
With her "How de do?"
And her "How are you?"
And "I trust I see you well!"

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween, etc.

GIU. And noble lords will scrape and bow,
And double themselves in two,
And open their eyes
In blank surprise
At whatever she likes to do.
And everybody will roundly vow
She's fair as flowers in May,
And say, "How clever!"
At whatsoever
She condescends to say!

ALL. Oh, 'tis a glorious thing, I ween,
To be a regular Royal Queen!
No half-and-half affair, I mean,
But a right-down regular Royal Queen!

(Enter Chorus of Gondoliers and Contadine.)

CHORUS.

Now, pray, what is the cause of this remarkable hilarity?
This sudden ebullition of unmitigated jollity?
Has anybody blessed you with a sample of his charity?
Or have you been adopted by a gentleman of quality?

MAR. and GIU. Replying, we sing
As one individual,
As I find I'm a king,
To my kingdom I bid you all.
I'm aware you object
To pavilions and palaces,
But you'll find I respect
Your Republican fallacies.

CHORUS. As they know we object
To pavilions and palaces,
How can they respect
Our Republican fallacies?

MARCO and GIUSEPPE.

MAR. For every one who feels inclined,
Some post we undertake to find
Congenial with his frame of mind--
And all shall equal be.

GIU. The Chancellor in his peruke--
The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook--
They all shall equal be.

MAR. The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts--
The Aristocrat who hunts and shoots--
The Aristocrat who cleans our boots--
They all shall equal be!

GIU. The Noble Lord who rules the State--
The Noble Lord who cleans the plate--

MAR. The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate--
They all shall equal be!

GIU. The Lord High Bishop orthodox--
The Lord High Coachman on the box--

MAR. The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks--
They all shall equal be!

BOTH. For every one, etc.

Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be!

CHORUS. Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be!

The Earl, the Marquis, and the Dook,
The Groom, the Butler, and the Cook,
The Aristocrat who banks with Coutts,
The Aristocrat who cleans the boots,
The Noble Lord who rules the State,
The Noble Lord who scrubs the grate,
The Lord High Bishop orthodox,
The Lord High Vagabond in the stocks--

For every one, etc.

Sing high, sing low,
Wherever they go,
They all shall equal be!

Then hail! O King,
Whichever you may be,
To you we sing,
But do not bend the knee.
Then hail! O King.

MARCO and GIUSEPPE (together).

Come, let's away--our island crown awaits me--
Conflicting feelings rend my soul apart!
The thought of Royal dignity elates me,
But leaving thee behind me breaks my heart!

(Addressing Gianetta and
Tessa.)

GIANETTA and TESSA (together).

Farewell, my love; on board you must be getting;
But while upon the sea you gaily roam,
Remember that a heart for thee is fretting--
The tender little heart you've left at home!

GIA. Now, Marco dear,
My wishes hear:
While you're away
It's understood
You will be good
And not too gay.
To every trace
Of maiden grace
You will be blind,
And will not glance
By any chance
On womankind!

If you are wise,
You'll shut your eyes
Till we arrive,
And not address
A lady less
Than forty-five.
You'll please to frown
On every gown
That you may see;
And, O my pet,
You won't forget
You've married me!

And O my darling, O my pet,
Whatever else you may forget,
In yonder isle beyond the sea,
Do not forget you've married me!

TESS. You'll lay your head
Upon your bed
At set of sun.
You will not sing
Of anything
To any one.
You'll sit and mope
All day, I hope,
And shed a tear
Upon the life
Your little wife
Is passing here.