The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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Sops & Altos: Tenors & Basses:
Oh dainty Oh dainty
triolet! Oh tri-
fragrant o-
violet let!

All: Oh dainty triolet!
Oh fragrant violet!

(Re-enter Gama, Arac, Guron, and Scynthius heavily ironed, followed
by Hildebrand)

RECITATIVE

Gama: Must we, till then, in prison cell be thrust?

Hildebd: You must!

Gama: This seems unnecessarily severe!
Arac, Guron
& Scyn: Hear, hear!

TRIO - Arac, Guron and Scynthius

For a month to dwell
In a dungeon cell:
Growing thin and wizen
In a solitary prison,
Is a poor look out
For a soldier stout,
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum
Of the military drum
And the guns that go boom!
boom!

All: The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum
Who is longing for the rattle of a complicated
battle--
For the rum tum tum
Of the military drum!
Prr, prr, prr, ra -- pum -- pum!

Hildebd: When Hilarion's bride
Has at length complied
With the just conditions
Of our requisitions,
You may go in haste
And indulge your taste
For the fascinating rattle
Of a complicated battle--
For the rum - tum - tum,
Of the military drum,
And the guns that go boom! boom!

All: The rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum,
Rum -- tum -- tum -- tummy tummy tummy tummy tum!
Who is longing for the rattle
Of a complicated battle
For the rum -- tum -- tum
Of the military drum!
Tum, prr -- prr -- prr ra -- pum, pum!

But til that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
And bail we [they] will not entertain,
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
But till that time you'll [we'll] here remain,
And bail we [they] will not entertain.
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!
Should she our [his] mandate disobey,
Your [Our] lives the penalty will pay!

(Gama, Arac, Guron, and Synthius are
marched off.)

END OF ACT I

ACT II

SCENE Gardens in Castle Adamant. A river runs across the
back of the stage, crossed by a rustic bridge. Castle
Adamant in the distance.

Girl Graduates discovered seated at the feet of Lady
Psyche

CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Lady Psyche, Melissa and
Sacharissa)
"Towards the empyrean heights"

Chorus: Towards the empyrean heights
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
We've taken several easy flights,
And mean to take some more.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart.

SOLO -- Melissa

Pray, what authors should she read
Who in Classics would succeed?

SOLO -- Psyche

If you'd climb the Helicon,
You should read Anacreon,
Ovid's Metamorphoses,
Likewise Aristophanes,
And the works of Juvenal:
These are worth attention, all;
But, if you will be advised,
You will get them Bowdlerized!

Chorus: Ah! we will get them Bowdlerized!

SOLO -- Sacharissa

Pray you, tell us, if you can,
What's the thing that's known as Man?

SOLO -- Psyche

Man will swear and man will storm--
Man is not at all good form--
Is of no kind of use--
Man's a donkey -- Man's a goose--
Man is coarse and Man is plain--
Man is more or less insane--
Man's a ribald -- Man's a rake,
Man is Nature's sole mistake!

Chorus: We'll a memorandum make--
Man is Nature's sole mistake!

And thus to empyrean height
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess
We mutually impart!
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart,
We mutually impart, impart.

(Enter Lady Blanche. All stand up demurely)

Blanche: Attention, ladies, while I read to you
The Princess Ida's list of punishments.
The first is Sacharissa. She's expelled!

All: Expelled!

Blan.: Expelled, because although she knew
No man of any kind may pass our walls,
She dared to bring a set of chessmen here!

Sach.: (Crying) I meant no harm; they're only men of wood!

Blan.: They're men with whom you give each other mate,
And that's enough! The next is Chloe.

Chloe: Ah!

Blan.: Chloe will lose three terms, for yesterday,
When looking through her drawing-book, I found
A sketch of a perambulator!

All: (Horrified) Oh!

Blan.: Double perambulator ...

All: Oh, oh!

Blan.: ...shameless girl!
That's all at present. Now, attention, pray;
Your Principal the Princess comes to give
Her usual inaugural address
To those young ladies who joined yesterday.

CHORUS OF GIRLS
"Mighty maiden with a mission"

Girls: Mighty maiden with a mission,
Paragon of common sense,
Running fount of erudition,
Miracle of eloquence,
Altos: We are blind and we
would see;
Sops: We are bound, and would be free;

Girls: We are dumb, and we would talk;
We are lame, and we would walk.
(Enter
the Princess)
Mighty maiden with a mission--
Paragon of common sense;
Running found of erudition--
Miracle of eloquence, of eloquence!

RECITATIVE & ARIA (Princess)
"Minerva! Oh, hear Me"

Princess: Minerva! Minerva!
Oh, hear me:
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light
Endow with sight
Their unillumin'd eyes.

At this my call,
A fervent few
Have come to woo
The rays that from thee fall,
That from thee fall.
Oh, goddess wise
That lovest light,
That lovest light,

Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine!
Let fervent words and fervent thoughts be mine,
That I may lead them to thy sacred shrine,
I may lead them to thy sacred shrine, thy sacred
shrine!

Princess: Women of Adamant, fair Neophytes--
Who thirst for such instruction as we give,
Attend, while I unfold a parable.
The elephant is mightier than Man,
Yet Man subdues him. Why? The elephant
Is elephantine everywhere but here (tapping her
forehead),
And Man, whose brain is to the elephant's
As Woman's brain to Man's - (that's rule of three),--
Conquers the foolish giant of the woods,
As Woman, in her turn, shall conquer Man.
In Mathematics, Woman leads the way;
The narrow-minded pedant still believes
That two and two make four! Why, we can prove,
We women -- household drudges as we are--
That two and two make five -- or three -- or seven;
Or five and twenty, if the case demands!
Diplomacy? The wiliest diplomat
Is absolutely helpless in our hands.
He wheedles monarchs -- Woman wheedles him!
Logic? Why, tyrant Man himself admits
It's a waste of time to argue with a woman!
Then we excel in social qualities:
Though man professes that he holds our sex
In utter scorn, I venture to believe
He'd rather pass the day with one of you,
Than with five hundred of his fellow-men!
In all things we excel. Believing this,
A hundred maidens here have sworn to place
Their feet upon his neck. If we succeed,
We'll treat him better than he treated us:
But if we fail, why, then let hope fail too!
Let no one care a penny how she looks--
Let red be worn with yellow -- blue with green--
Crimson with scarlet -- violet with blue!
Let all your things misfit, and you yourselves
At inconvenient moments come undone!
Let hair-pins lose their virtue: let the hook
Disdain the fascination of the eye--
The bashful button modestly evade
The soft embraces of the button-hole!
Let old associations all dissolve,
Let Swan secede from Edgar -- Gask from Gask,
Sewell from Cross -- Lewis from Allenby!
In other words, let Chaos come again!
(Coming down) Who lectures in the Hall of Arts to-day?

Blanche: I, madam, on Abstract Philosophy.
There I propose considering, at length,
Three points -- The Is, the Might Be, and the Must.
Whether the Is, from being actual fact,
Is more important than the vague Might Be,
Or the Might Be, from taking wider scope,
Is for that reason greater than the Is:
And lastly, how the Is and Might Be stand
Compared with the inevitable Must!

Princess: The subject's deep -- how do you treat it, pray?

Blan.: Madam, I take three possibilities,
And strike a balance then between the three:
As thus: The Princess Ida Is our head,
the Lady Psyche Might Be, -- Lady Blanche,
Neglected Blanche, inevitably Must.
Given these three hypotheses -- to find
The actual betting against each of them!

Princess: Your theme's ambitious: pray you bear in mind
Who highest soar fall farthest. Fare you well,
You and your pupils! Maidens, follow me.

[Exeunt Princess
and maidens.
Manet
Lady Blanche.

EXEUNT FOR PRINCESS IDA & GIRLS
"And thus to Empyrean Height"

Chorus: And thus to empyrean height
Of ev'ry kind of lore,
In search of wisdom's pure delight,
Ambitiously we soar.
In trying to achieve success
No envy racks our heart,
For all we know and all we guess
We mutually impart!
And all the knowledge we possess,
We mutually impart,
We mutually impart, impart.

Blan.: I should command here -- I was born to rule,
But do I rule? I don't. Why? I don't know.
I shall some day. Not yet, I bide my time.
I once was Some One -- and the Was Will Be.
The Present as we speak becomes the Past,
The Past repeats itself, and so is Future!
This sounds involved. It's not. It's right enough.

(Since 1935 the following song has been usually omitted)
SONG (Lady Blanche)
"Come, mighty Must!"

Blanche: Come mighty Must!
Inevitable Shall!
In thee I trust.
Time weaves my coronal!
Go, mocking Is!
Go, disappointing Was!
That I am this
Ye are the cursed cause!
Ye are the cursed cause!
Yet humble second shall be first,
I wean
And dead and buried be the curst
Has Been!

Oh, weak Might Be!
Oh, May, Might, Could, Would, Should!
How pow'rless ye
For evil or for good!
In ev'ry sense
Your moods I cheerless call.
Whate'er your tense
Ye are imperfect all.
Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
In ye!
Ye have deceiv'd the trust I've shown
In ye!
I've shown in ye!
Away! The Mighty Must alone
Shall be!
[Exit
Lady Blanche

[Enter Hilarion, Cyril, and Florian, climbing over wall, and creep-
ing cautiously among the trees and rocks at the back
of
the stage.]

TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"Gently, gently"

All: Gently, gently,
Evidently
We are safe so far,
After scaling
Fence and paling,
Here, at last, we are!

Florian: In this college,
Useful knowledge
Ev'rywhere one finds,
And already,
Growing steady,
We've enlarged our minds

Cyril: We learnt that prickly cactus
Has power to attract us
When we fall.

All: When we fall!

Hilarion: That nothing man unsettles
Like a bed of stinging nettles,
Short or tall.

All: Short or tall!

Florian: That bull-dogs feed on throttles--
That we don't like broken bottles
On a wall.

All: On a wall!

Hilarion: That spring-guns breathe defiance!
And that burglary's a science
After all!

All: After all!

Florian: A Woman's college! maddest folly going!
What can girls learn within its walls worth
knowing?
I'll lay a crown (the Princess shall decide it)
I'll teach them twice as much in half-an-hour
outside it.

Hilarion: Hush, scoffer; ere you sound your puny thunder,
List to their aims, and bow your head in wonder!

They intend to send a wire
To the moon

Cyril &
Florian: To the moon;

Hilarion: And they'll set the Thames on fire
Very soon

Cyril &
Florian: Very soon;

Hilarion: Then they'll learn to make silk purses
With their rigs

Cyril &
Florian: With their rigs.

Hilarion: From the ears of Lady Circe's
Piggy-wigs

Cyril &
Florian: Piggy-wigs.

Hilarion: And weasels at their slumbers
They trepan

Cyril &
Florian: They trepan;

Hilarion: To get sunbeams from cucumbers
They've a plan

Cyril
& Florian: They've a plan.

Hilarion: They've a firmly rooted notion
They can cross the Polar Ocean,
And they'll find Perpetual Motion,
If they can

All: If they can.
These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Cyril: As for fashion, they forswear it,
So they say

Hilarion &
Florian: So they say;

Cyril: And the circle -- they will square it
Some fine day

Hilarion &
Florian: Some fine day;

Cyril: Then the little pigs they're teaching
For to fly

Hilarion &
Florian: For to fly;

Cyril: And the niggers they'll be bleaching,
By and by

Hilarion &
Florian: By and by!

Cyril: Each newly joined aspirant
To the clan

Hilarion &
Florian: To the clan

Cyril: Must repudiate the tyrant
Known as Man

Hilarion &
Florian: Known as Man.

Cyril: They'll mock at him and flout him,
For they do not care about him
And they're "going to do without him"
If they can

All: If they can!

These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see.

These are the phenomena
That ev'ry pretty domina
Is hoping at her Universitee we shall see!

Hilarion: So that's the Princess Ida's castle! Well,
They must be lovely girls, indeed, if it requires
Such walls as those to keep intruders off!

Cyril: To keep men off is only half their charge,
And that the easier half. I much suspect
The object of these walls is not so much
To keep men off as keep the maidens in!

Florian: But what are these? (Examining some Collegiate robes)

Hilarion: (looking at them) Why, Academic robes,
Worn by the lady undergraduates
When they matriculate. Let's try them on. (They do
so.)
Why, see -- we're covered to the very toes.
Three lovely lady undergraduates
Who, weary of the world and all its wooing -- (pose)

Florian: And penitent for deeds there's no undoing -- (pose)

Cyril: Looked at askance by well-conducted maids -- (pose)

All: Seek sanctuary in these classic shades!

TRIO (Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"I am a maiden"

Hilarion: I am a maiden, cold and stately,
Heartless I, with face divine.
What do I want with a heart, innately?
Every heart I meet is mine!
Every heart I meet is mine, is mine!

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

(Dance)

Cyril: I am a maiden, frank and simple,
Brimming with joyous roguery;
Merriment lurks in ev'ry dimple
Nobody breaks more hearts than I!
Nobody breaks more hearts, more hearts than
I

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

(Dance)

Florian: I am a maiden coyly blushing,
Timid am I as a startled hind;
Every suitor sets me flushing,
Every suitor sets me flushing:
I am the maid that wins mankind!

All: Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!
Haughty, humble, coy, or free,
Little care I what maid may be.
So that a maid is fair to see,
Ev'ry maid is the maid for me!

[Enter the Princess, reading. She does not
see them.)

Florian: But who comes here? The Princess, as I live!
What shall we do?

Hilarion: (Aside) Why, we must brave it out!
(Aloud) Madam, accept our humblest reverence.

(They bow, then suddenly recollecting
themselves, curtsey.)

Princess: (Surprised) We greet you, ladies. What would you
with us?

Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril)
What shall I say? (Aloud) We are three students,
ma'am,
Three well-born maids of liberal estate,
Who wish to join this University.

(Hilarion and Florian curtsey again. Cyril bows
extravagantly,
then, being recalled to himself by Florian,
curtseys.)

Princess: If, as you say, you wish to join our ranks,
And will subscribe to all our rules, 'tis well.

Florian: To all your rules we cheerfully subscribe.

Princess: You say you're noblewomen. Well, you'll find
No sham degrees for noblewomen here.
You'll find no sizars here, or servitors,
Or other cruel distinctions, meant to draw
A line 'twixt rich and poor; you'll find no tufts
To mark nobility, except such tufts
As indicate nobility of brain.
As for your fellow-students, mark me well:
There are a hundred maids within these walls,
All good, all learned, and all beautiful:
They are prepared to love you: will you swear
To give the fullness of your love to them?

Hilarion: Upon our words and honours, Ma'am, we will!

Princess: But we go further: Will you undertake
That you will never marry any man?

Florian: Indeed we never will!

Princess: Consider well,
You must prefer our maids to all mankind!

Hilarion: To all mankind we much prefer your maids!

Cyril: We should be dolts indeed, if we did not, seeing how
fair --