The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Take care -- that's rather strong!

Princess: But have you left no lovers at your home
Who may pursue you here?

Hilarion: No, madam, none.
We're homely ladies, as no doubt you see,
And we have never fished for lover's love.
We smile at girls who deck themselves with gems,
False hair and meretricious ornament,
To chain the fleeting fancy of a man,
But do not imitate them. What we have
Of hair, is all our own. Our colour, too,
Unladylike, but not unwomanly,
Is Nature's handiwork, and man has learnt
To reckon Nature an impertinence.

Princess: Well, beauty counts for naught within these walls;
If all you say is true, you'll pass with us
A happy, happy time!

Cyril: If, as you say,
A hundred lovely maidens wait within,
To welcome us with smiles and open arms,
I think there's very little doubt we shall!

QUARTET (Princess, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"The World is But a Broken Toy"

Princess: The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.

Hilarion: The world is ev'rything you say,
The world we think has had its day.
Its merriment is slow.
Alas!
We've tried it, and we know,
Alas!
We've tried it and we know.

All: Unreal its loveliest hue,
Its pains alone are true,

Princess: Alas!

All: The world is but a broken toy,
Its pleasure hollow -- false its joy,
Unreal its loveliest hue,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true,
Alas!
Its pains alone are true!

Florian: Unreal its loveliest hue,

3 Men: Unreal its loveliest hue,

Princess: Cyr. & Flor: A- Hilarion: Un-
Un- las! real its
loveliest hue
real--- Alas! Alas!
-----
---- its loveliest hue

All: Alas!
Alas!
Its pains alone are true.

(Exit Princess. The three Gentlemen
watch her off.
Lady Psyche enters, and regards them with
amazement)

Hilarion: I'faith, the plunge is taken, gentlemen!
For, willy-nilly, we are maidens now,
And maids against our will we must remain.
[All laugh
heartily.]

Psyche: (Aside) These ladies are unseemly in their mirth.

(The gentlemen see her, and, in confusion,
resume their
modest
demeanour.)

Florian: (Aside) Here's a catastrophe, Hilarion!
This is my sister! She'll remember me,
Though years have passed since she and I have met!

Hilarion: (Aside to Florian) Then make a virtue of necessity,
And trust our secret to her gentle care.

Florian: (To Psyche, who has watched Cyril in amazement)
Psyche! Why, don't you know me? Florian!

Psyche: (Amazed) Why, Florian!

Florian: My sister! (Embraces her)

Psyche: Oh, my dear! What are you doing here -- and who are
these?

Hilarion: I am that Prince Hilarion to whom
Your Princess is betrothed. I come to claim
Her plighted love. Your brother Florian
And Cyril came to see me safely through.

Psyche: The Prince Hilarion? Cyril too? How strange!
My earliest playfellows!

Hilarion: Why, let me look!
Are you that learned little Psyche who
At school alarmed her mates because she called
A buttercup "ranunculus bulbosus"?

Cyril: Are you indeed that Lady Psyche, who
At children's parties, drove the conjuror wild,
Explaining all his tricks before he did them?

Hilarion: Are you that learned little Psyche, who
At dinner parties, brought in to dessert,
Would tackle visitors with "You don't know
Who first determined longitude -- I do --
Hipparchus 'twas -- B. C. one sixty-three!"
Are you indeed that small phenomenon?

Psyche: That small phenomenon indeed am I!
But gentlemen, 'tis death to enter here:
We have all promised to renounce mankind!

Florian: Renounce mankind!? On what ground do you base
This senseless resolution?

Psyche: Senseless? No.
We are all taught, and, being taught, believe
That Man, sprung from an Ape, is Ape at heart.

Cyril: That's rather strong.

Psyche: The truth is always strong!

SONG (Lady Psyche, with Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"A Lady Fair, of Lineage High"

Psyche: A Lady fair, of lineage high,
Was loved by an Ape, in the days gone by.
The Maid was radiant as the sun,
The Ape was a most unsightly one,
The Ape was a most unsightly one--
So it would not do--
His scheme fell through,
For the Maid, when his love took formal shape,
Express'd such terror
At his monstrous error,
That he stammer'd an apology and made his 'scape,
The picture of a disconcerted Ape.

With a view to rise in the social scale,
He shaved his bristles and he docked his tail,
He grew mustachios, and he took his tub,
And he paid a guinea to a toilet club,
He paid a guinea to a toilet club--
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through--
For the Maid was Beauty's fairest Queen,
With golden tresses,
Like a real princess's,
While the Ape, despite his razor keen,
Was the apiest Ape that ever was seen!
He bought white ties, and he bought dress suits,
He crammed his feet into bright tight boots--
And to start in life on a brand-new plan,
He christen'd himself Darwinian Man!
But it would not do,
The scheme fell through--
For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,
Was a radiant Being,
With brain far-seeing--
While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
At best is only a monkey shav'd!

3 Men: For the Maiden fair, whom the monkey crav'd,

All: Was a radiant being,
With a brain far-seeing--
While Darwinian Man, though well-behav'd,
At best is only a monkey shav'd!

(During this, Melissa has entered
unobserved;
she looks on in
amazement.)

Melissa: (Coming down) Oh, Lady Psyche!

Psyche: (Terrified) What! You heard us then?
Oh, all is lost!

Melissa: Not so! I'll breathe no word!
(Advancing in astonishment to Florian)
How marvelously strange! and are you then
Indeed young men?

Florian: Well, yes, just now we are--
But hope by dint of study to become,
In course of time, young women.

Melissa: (Eagerly) No, no, no --
Oh, don't do that! Is this indeed a man?
I've often heard of them, but, till to-day,
Never set eyes on one. They told me men
Were hideous, idiotic, and deformed!
They are quite as beautiful as women are!
As beautiful, they're infinitely more so!
Their cheeks have not that pulpy softness which
One gets so weary of in womankind:
Their features are more marked -- and -- oh, their
chins!
(Feeling Florian's chin)
How curious!

Florian: I fear it's rather rough.

Melissa: (Eagerly) Oh, don't apologize -- I like it so!

QUINTET (Psyche, Melissa, Cyril, Hilarion and Florian)
"The Woman of the Wisest Wit"

Psyche: The woman of the wisest win
May sometimes be mistaken, O!
In Ida's views, I must admit,
My faith is somewhat shaken O!

Cyril: On every other point than this
Her learning is untainted, O!
But Man's a theme with which she is
Entirely unacquainted, O!
--acquainted, O!
--acquainted, O!
Entirely unacquainted, O!

All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The truth is found -- the truth is found!
Set bells a-ringing through the air--
Ring here and there and ev'rywhere--

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The truth is found -- the truth is found!

(Dance)

Melissa: My natural instinct teaches me
(And instinct is important, O!)
You're ev'rything you ought to be,
And nothing that you oughtn't, O!

Hilarion: That fact was seen at once by you
In casual conversation, O!
Which is most creditable to
Your powers of observation, O!
-servation, O!
-servation, O!
Your powers of observation, O!

All: Then jump for joy and gaily bound,
The truth is found, the truth is found!
Set bells a-ringing through the air,
Ring here and there and ev'rywhere.

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!

3 Men: And echo forth the joyous sound,

All: The truth is found -- the truth is found!
And echo forth the joyous sound,
The truth is found -- the truth is found!

(Exeunt Psyche, Hilarion, Cyril
and Florian,

Melissa going.)

(Enter
Lady Blanche.

Blanche: Melissa!

Melissa: (Returning) Mother!

Blanche: Here -- a word with you.
Those are the three new students?

Melissa: (Confused) Yes, they are.
They're charming girls.

Blanche: Particularly so.
So graceful, and so very womanly!
So skilled in all a girl's accomplishments!

Melissa: (Confused) Yes -- very skilled.

Blanche: They sing so nicely too!

Melissa: They do sing nicely!

Blanche: Humph! It's very odd.
Two are tenors, one is a baritone!

Melissa: (Much agitated) They've all got colds!

Blanche: Colds! Bah! D'ye think I'm blind?
These "girls" are men disguised!

Melissa: Oh no -- indeed!
You wrong these gentlemen -- I mean -- why, see,
Here is an etui dropped by one of them (picking up an
etui).
Containing scissors, needles, and --

Blanche: (Opening it) Cigars!
Why, these are men! And you knew this, you minx!

Melissa: Oh, spare them -- they are gentlemen indeed.
The Prince Hilarion (married years ago
To Princess Ida) with two trusted friends!
Consider, mother, he's her husband now,
And has been, twenty years! Consider, too,
You're only second here -- you should be first.
Assist the Prince's plan, and when he gains
The Princess Ida, why, you will be first.
You will design the fashions -- think of that--
And always serve out all the punishments!
The scheme is harmless, mother -- wink at it!

Blanche: (Aside) The prospect's tempting! Well, well, well,
I'll try --
Though I've not winked at anything for years!
'Tis but one step towards my destiny--
The mighty Must! the inevitable Shall!

DUET (Melissa and Lady Blanche)
"Now Wouldn't you like to Rule the Roast"

Melissa: Now wouldn't you like to rule the roast
And guide this University?

Blanche: I must agree,
'Twould pleasant be,
(Sing hey, a Proper Pride!)

Melissa: And wouldn't you like to clear the coast,
Of malice and perversity?

Blanche: Without a doubt,
I'll bundle 'em out,
(Sing hey, when I preside!)

Both: Sing hey!
Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some!
Sing marry, come up, and (my) her day will come!
Sing Proper Pride
Is the horse to ride,
And Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

Blanche: For years I've writhed beneath her sneers,
Although a born Plantagenet!

Melissa: You're much too meek,
Or you would speak
(Sing hey, I'll say no more!)

Blanche: Her elder I, by several years,
Although you'd ne'er imagine it.

Melissa: Sing, so I've heard
But never a word
Have I e'er believ'd before!

Both: Sing hey!
Sing hoity toity! Sorry for some!
Sing marry, come up, and her (my) day will come!
Sing, she shall learn
That a worm will turn.
Sing Happy-go-lucky, my Lady, O!

(Exit
Lady Blanche)

Melissa: Saved for a time, at least!

(Enter Florian,
on tiptoe)

Florian: (Whispering) Melissa -- come!

Melissa: Oh, sir! you must away from this at once--
My mother guessed your sex! It was my fault--
I blushed and stammered so that she exclaimed,
"Can these be men?" Then, seeing this, "Why these--"
"Are men", she would have added, but "are men"
Stuck in her throat! She keeps your secret, sir,
For reasons of her own -- but fly from this
And take me with you -- that is -- no -- not that!

Florian: I'll go, but not without you! (Bell) Why, what's
that?

Melissa: The luncheon bell.

Florian: I'll wait for luncheon then!

(Enter Hilarion with Princess,
Cyril with
Psyche, Lady Blanche and
ladies. Also
"Daughters of the Plough" bearing
luncheon.)

CHORUS OF GIRLS & SOLOS (Blanche and Cyril)
"Merrily Ring the Luncheon Bell"

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Here in meadow of asphodel,
Feast we body and mind as well,
Merrily ring the luncheon

1st Sops: 2nd Sops:
bell! - - - --- bell! Oh merrily
Ring - - - --- ring the luncheon
oh, --- bell, Oh
ring, - - - --- merrily, merrily,
merrily,
Oh, --- merrily

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon
bell!

Blanche: Hunger, I beg to state,
Is highly indelicate.
This is a fact profoundly true,
So learn your appetites to subdue.

All: Yes, yes,
We'll learn our appetites to subdue!

Cyril: Madam, your words so wise,
Nobody should despise,
Curs'd with appetite keen I am
And I'll subdue it--
And I'll subdue it--
I'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!

All: Yes -- yes--
We'll subdue it with cold roast lamb!
Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Merrily ring the luncheon bell!
Oh

1st Sops: ring! - - - --- 2nd Sophs: merrily,
merrily,
Oh, merrily,
merrily

Chorus: Merrily ring the luncheon bell, the luncheon
bell!

Princess: You say you know the court of Hildebrand?
There is a Prince there -- I forget his name --

Hilarion: Hilarion?

Princess: Exactly -- is he well?

Hilarion: If it be well to droop and pine and mope,
To sigh "Oh, Ida! Ida!" all day long,
"Ida! my love! my life! Oh, come to me!"
If it be well, I say, to do all this,
Then Prince Hilarion is very well.

Princess: He breathes our name? Well, it's a common one!
And is the booby comely?

Hilarion: Pretty well.
I've heard it said that if I dressed myself
In Prince Hilarion's clothes (supposing this
Consisted with my maiden modesty),
I might be taken for Hilarion's self.
But what is this to you or me, who think
Of all mankind with undisguised contempt?

Princess: Contempt? Why, damsel, when I think of man,
Contempt is not the word.

Cyril: (Getting tipsy) I'm sure of that,
Or if it is, it surely should not be!

Hilarion: (Aside to Cyril) Be quiet, idiot, or they'll find us
out.

Cyril: The Prince Hilarion's a goodly lad!

Princess: You know him then?

Cyril: (Tipsily) I rather think I do!
We are inseparables!

Princess: Why, what's this?
You love him then?

Cyril: We do indeed -- all
three!

Hilarion: Madam, she jests! (Aside to Cyril) Remember where
you
are!

Cyril: Jests? Not at all! Why, bless my heart alive,
You and Hilarion, when at the Court,
Rode the same horse!

Princess: (Horrified) Astride?

Cyril: Of course! Why not?
Wore the same clothes -- and once or twice, I think,
Got tipsy in the same good company!

Princess: Well, these are nice young ladies, on my word!

Cyril: (Tipsy) Don't you remember that old kissing-song
He'd sing to blushing Mistress Lalage,
The hostess of the Pigeons? Thus it ran:

SONG (Cyril)
"Would you know the Kind of Maid"

(During symphony Hilarion and
Florian try to
stop Cyril. He shakes them
off angrily.)

Cyril: Would you know the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a?
Eyes must be downcast and staid,
Cheeks must flush for shame-a!
She may neither dance nor sing,
But, demure in everything,
Hang her head in modest way,
With pouting lips, with pouting lips
that
seem to say,
"Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!
"Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!

When a maid is bold and gay,
With a tongue goes clang-a,
Flaunting it in brave array,
Maiden may go hang-a
Sunflow'r gay and holly-hock
Never shall my garden stock;
Mine the blushing rose of May,
With pouting lips, with pouting lips
that
seem to say,
"Oh kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die for shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!
"Kiss me, kiss me, kiss me, kiss me,
Though I die of shame-a!"
Please you, that's the kind of maid
Sets my heart aflame-a!

Princess: Infamous creature, get you hence away!

(Hilarion, Who has been with difficulty
restrained by
Florian during this song, breaks from him
and strikes
Cyril furiously on
the breast.)

Hilarion: Dog! There is something more to sing about!

Cyril: (Sobered) Hilarion, are you mad?

Princess: (Horrified) Hilarion? Help!
Why, these are men! Lost! lost! betrayed, undone!
(Running on
to bridge)
Girls, get you hence! Man-monsters, if you dare
Approach one step, I --- Ah!
(Loses her balance and falls into
the stream)

Psyche: Oh! Save her, sir!

Blanche: It's useless, sir -- you'll only catch your death!
(Hilarion
springs in.)

Sach.: He catches her!

Melissa: And now he lets her go!
Again she's in his grasp--

Psyche: And now she's not,
He seizes her back hair!

Blanche: (Not looking) And it comes off!

Psyche: No, no! She's saved!--she's saved! she's
saved!--she's
saved!

FINALE, ACT II
(Princess, Hildebrand, Melissa, Lady Psyche, Blanche,
Cyril, Hilarion, Florian, Arac, Guron, Scynthius and
Chorus of Girls and Men )

"Oh Joy! our Chief is Sav'd"