The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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"The cat and the dog and the little puppee
Sat down in a--down in a--in a----

I forget what they sat down in, but so the song goes!
Listen--I've come to pinch her!
ROSE. Mercy, whom?
MAR. You mean "who".
ROSE. Nay! it is the accusative after the verb.
MAR. True. (Whispers melodramatically.) I have come to
pinch Rose Maybud!
ROSE. (Aside, alarmed.) Rose Maybud!
MAR. Aye! I love him--he loved me once. But that's all
gone, fisht! He gave me an Italian glance--thus (business)--and
made me his. He will give her an Italian glance, and make her
his. But it shall not be, for I'll stamp on her--stamp on her-
-stamp on her! Did you ever kill anybody? No? Why not?
Listen--I killed a fly this morning! It buzzed, and I wouldn't
have it. So it died--pop! So shall she!
ROSE. But, behold, I am Rose Maybud, and I would fain not
die "pop."
MAR. You are Rose Maybud?
ROSE. Yes, sweet Rose Maybud!
MAR. Strange! They told me she was beautiful! And he
loves you! No, no! If I thought that, I would treat you as the
auctioneer and land-agent treated the lady-bird--I would rend you
asunder!
ROSE. Nay, be pacified, for behold I am pledged to another,
and Lo, we are to be wedded this very day!
MAR. Swear me that! Come to a Commissioner and let me have
it on affidavit! I once made an affidavit--but it died--it died-
-it died! But see, they come--Sir Despard and his evil crew!
Hide, hide--they are all mad--quite mad!
ROSE. What makes you think that?
MAR. Hush! They sing choruses in public. That's mad
enough, I think. Go--hide away, or they will seize you! Hush!
Quite softly--quite, quite softly!
(Exeunt together, on tiptoe.)

(Enter Chorus of Bucks and Blades, heralded by Chorus of
Bridesmaids.)

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.

Welcome, gentry,
For your entry
Sets our tender hearts a-beating.
Men of station,
Admiration
Prompts this unaffected greeting.
Hearty greeting offer we!

CHORUS OF BUCKS AND BLADES.

When thoroughly tired
Of being admired,
By ladies of gentle degree--degree,
With flattery sated,
High-flown and inflated,
Away from the city we flee--we flee!
From charms intramural
To prettiness rural
The sudden transition
Is simply Elysian,
So come, Amaryllis,
Come, Chloe and Phyllis,
Your slaves, for the moment, are we!

ALL. From charms intramural, etc.

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.

The sons of the tillage
Who dwell in this village
Are people of lowly degree--degree.
Though honest and active,
They're most unattractive,
And awkward as awkward can be--can be.
They're clumsy clodhoppers
With axes and choppers,
And shepherds and ploughmen
And drovers and cowmen,
And hedgers and reapers
And carters and keepers,
But never a lover for me!

ENSEMBLE.

BRIDESMAIDS. BUCKS AND BLADES.

So welcome gentry, etc. When thoroughly tired, etc.

(Enter Sir Despard Murgatroyd.)

SONG AND CHORUS--SIR DESPARD.

SIR D. Oh, why am I moody and sad?
CH. Can't guess!
SIR D. And why am I guiltily mad?
CH. Confess!
SIR D. Because I am thoroughly bad!
CH. Oh yes--
SIR D. You'll see it at once in my face.
Oh, why am I husky and hoarse?
CH. Ah, why?
SIR D. It's the workings of conscience, of course.
CH. Fie, fie!
SIR D. And huskiness stands for remorse,
CH. Oh my!
SIR D. At least it does so in my case!
SIR D. When in crime one is fully employed--
CH. Like you--
SIR D. Your expression gets warped and destroyed:
CH. It do.
SIR D. It's a penalty none can avoid;
CH. How true!
SIR D. I once was a nice-looking youth;
But like stone from a strong catapult--
CH. (explaining to each other). A trice--
SIR D. I rushed at my terrible cult--
CH. (explaining to each other). That's vice--
SIR D. Observe the unpleasant result!
CH. Not nice.
SIR D. Indeed I am telling the truth!
SIR D. Oh, innocent, happy though poor!
CH. That's we--
SIR D. If I had been virtuous, I'm sure--
CH. Like me--
SIR D. I should be as nice-looking as you're!
CH. May be.
SIR D. You are very nice-looking indeed!
Oh, innocents, listen in time--
CH. We doe,
SIR D. Avoid an existence of crime--
CH. Just so--
SIR D. Or you'll be as ugly as I'm--
CH. (loudly). No! No!
SIR D. And now, if you please, we'll proceed.

(All the girls express their horror of Sir Despard. As he
approaches them they fly from him, terror-stricken, leaving
him alone on the stage.)

SIR D. Poor children, how they loathe me--me whose hands
are certainly steeped in infamy, but whose heart is as the heart
of a little child! But what is a poor baronet to do, when a
whole picture gallery of ancestors step down from their frames
and threaten him with an excruciating death if he hesitate to
commit his daily crime? But ha! ha! I am even with them!
(Mysteriously.) I get my crime over the first thing in the
morning, and then, ha! ha! for the rest of the day I do good--I
do good--I do good! (Melodramatically.) Two days since, I stole
a child and built an orphan asylum. Yesterday I robbed a bank
and endowed a bishopric. To-day I carry off Rose Maybud and
atone with a cathedral! This is what it is to be the sport and
toy of a Picture Gallery! But I will be bitterly revenged upon
them! I will give them all to the Nation, and nobody shall ever
look upon their faces again!

(Enter Richard.)

RICH. Ax your honour's pardon, but--
SIR D. Ha! observed! And by a mariner! What would you
with me, fellow?
RICH. Your honour, I'm a poor man-o'-war's-man, becalmed in
the doldrums--
SIR D. I don't know them.
RICH. And I make bold to ax your honour's advice. Does
your honour know what it is to have a heart?
SIR D. My honour knows what it is to have a complete
apparatus for conducting the circulation of the blood through the
veins and arteries of the human body.
RICH. Aye, but has your honour a heart that ups and looks
you in the face, and gives you quarter-deck orders that it's life
and death to disobey?
SIR D. I have not a heart of that description, but I have a
Picture Gallery that presumes to take that liberty.
RICH. Well, your honour, it's like this--Your honour had an
elder brother--
SIR D. It had.
RICH. Who should have inherited your title and, with it,
its cuss.
SIR D. Aye, but he died. Oh, Ruthven!--
RICH. He didn't.
SIR D. He did not?
RICH. He didn't. On the contrary, he lives in this here
very village, under the name of Robin Oakapple, and he's a-going
to marry Rose Maybud this very day.
SIR D. Ruthven alive, and going to marry Rose Maybud! Can
this be possible?
RICH. Now the question I was going to ask your honour is-
-Ought I to tell your honour this?
SIR D. I don't know. It's a delicate point. I think you
ought. Mind, I'm not sure, but I think so.
RICH. That's what my heart says. It says, "Dick," it says
(it calls me Dick acos it's entitled to take that liberty), "that
there young gal would recoil from him if she knowed what he
really were. Ought you to stand off and on, and let this young
gal take this false step and never fire a shot across her bows to
bring her to? No," it says, "you did not ought." And I won't
ought, accordin'.
SIR D. Then you really feel yourself at liberty to tell me
that my elder brother lives--that I may charge him with his cruel
deceit, and transfer to his shoulders the hideous thraldom under
which I have laboured for so many years! Free--free at last!
Free to live a blameless life, and to die beloved and regretted
by all who knew me!

DUET--SIR DESPARD and RICHARD.

RICH. You understand?
SIR D. I think I do;
With vigour unshaken
This step shall be taken.
It's neatly planned.
RICH. I think so too;
I'll readily bet it
You'll never regret it!

BOTH. For duty, duty must be done;
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!

SIR D. The bridegroom comes--
RICH. Likewise the bride--
The maidens are very
Elated and merry;
They are her chums.
SIR D. To lash their pride
Were almost a pity,
The pretty committee!

BOTH. But duty, duty must be done;
The rule applies to every one,
And painful though that duty be,
To shirk the task were fiddle-de-dee!

(Exeunt Richard and Sir Despard.)

(Enter Chorus of Bridesmaids and Bucks.)

CHORUS OF BRIDESMAIDS.

Hail the bride of seventeen summers:
In fair phrases
Hymn her praises;
Lift your song on high, all comers.
She rejoices
In your voices.
Smiling summer beams upon her,
Shedding every blessing on her:
Maidens greet her--
Kindly treat her--
You may all be brides some day!

CHORUS OF BUCKS.

Hail the bridegroom who advances,
Agitated,
Yet elated.
He's in easy circumstances,
Young and lusty,
True and trusty.

ALL. Smiling summer beams upon her, etc.

(Enter Robin, attended by Richard and Old Adam, meeting Rose,
attended by Zorah and Dame Hannah. Rose and Robin embrace.)

MADRIGAL.
ROSE, DAME HANNAH, RICHARD, OLD ADAM with CHORUS.

ROSE. When the buds are blossoming,
Smiling welcome to the spring,
Lovers choose a wedding day--
Life is love in merry May!

GIRLS. Spring is green--Fal lal la!
Summer's rose--Fal la la!
QUARTET. It is sad when summer goes,
Fa la!
MEN. Autumn's gold--Fah lal la!
Winter's grey--Fah lal la!
QUARTET. Winter still is far away--
Fa la!

CHORUS. Leaves in autumn fade and fall,
Winter is the end of all.
Spring and summer teem with glee:
Spring and summer, then, for me!
Fa la!

HANNAH. In the spring-time seed is sown:
In the summer grass is mown:
In the autumn you may reap:
Winter is the time for sleep.

GIRLS. Spring is hope--Fal lal la!
Summer's joy--Fal lal la!
QUARTET. Spring and summer never cloy.
Fa la!

MEN. Autumn,toil--Fal lal la!
Winter, rest--Fal lal la!
QUARTET. Winter, after all, is best--
Fal la!

CHORUS. Spring and summer pleasure you,
Autumn, aye, and winter too--
Every season has its cheer,
Life is lovely all the year!
Fa la!

(Gavotte.)

(After Gavotte, enter Sir Despard.)

SIR D. Hold, bride and bridegroom, ere you wed each other,
I claim young Robin as my elder brother!
His rightful title I have long enjoyed:
I claim him as Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd!

CHORUS. O wonder!
ROSE (wildly). Deny the falsehood, Robin, as you should,
It is a plot!
ROB. I would, if conscientiously I could,
But I cannot!
CHORUS. Ah, base one! Ah, base one!

SOLO--ROBIN.

As pure and blameless peasant,
I cannot, I regret,
Deny a truth unpleasant,
I am that Baronet!

CHORUS. He is that Baronet!

ROBIN. But when completely rated
Bad Baronet am I,
That I am what he's stated
I'll recklessly deny!

CHORUS. He'll recklessly deny!

ROB. When I'm a bad Bart. I will tell taradiddles!
CHORUS. He'll tell taradiddles when he's a bad Bart.
ROB. I'll play a bad part on the falsest of fiddles.
CHORUS. On very false fiddles he'll play a bad part!
ROB. But until that takes place I must be conscientious--
CHORUS. He'll be conscientious until that takes place.
ROB. Then adieu with good grace to my morals sententious!
CHORUS. To morals sententious adieu with good grace!

ZOR. Who is the wretch who hath betrayed thee?
Let him stand forth!
RICH. (coming forward). 'Twas I!
ALL. Die, traitor!
RICH. Hold! my conscience made me!
Withhold your wrath!

SOLO--RICHARD.

Within this breast there beats a heart
Whose voice can't be gainsaid.
It bade me thy true rank impart,
And I at once obeyed.
I knew 'twould blight thy budding fate--
I knew 'twould cause thee anguish great--
But did I therefore hesitate?
No! I at once obeyed!
ALL. Acclaim him who, when his true heart
Bade him young Robin's rank impart,
Immediately obeyed!

SOLO--ROSE (addressing Robin).

Farewell!
Thou hadst my heart--
'Twas quickly won!
But now we part--
Thy face I shun!
Farewell!

Go bend the knee
At Vice's shrine,
Of life with me
All hope resign.
Farewell! Farewell! Farewell!

(To Sir Despard.) Take me--I am thy bride!

BRIDESMAIDS.

Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride!
When the nuptial knot is tied;
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy!

(Enter Margaret, who listens.)

SIR D. Excuse me, I'm a virtuous person now--
ROSE. That's why I wed you!
SIR D. And I to Margaret must keep my vow!
MAR. Have I misread you?
Oh, joy! with newly kindled rapture warmed,
I kneel before you! (Kneels.)
SIR D. I once disliked you; now that I've reformed,
How I adore you! (They embrace.)

BRIDESMAIDS.

Hail the Bridegroom-hail the Bride!
When the nuptial knot is tied;
Every day will bring some joy
That can never, never cloy!

ROSE. Richard, of him I love bereft,
Through thy design,
Thou art the only one that's left,
So I am thine! (They embrace.)

BRIDESMAIDS.

Hail the Bridegroom--hail the Bride!
Let the nuptial knot be tied!

DUET--ROSE and RICHARD.

Oh, happy the lily
When kissed by the bee;
And, sipping tranquilly,
Quite happy is he;
And happy the filly
That neighs in her pride;
But happier than any,
A pound to a penny,
A lover is, when he
Embraces his bride!

DUET--SIR DESPARD and MARGARET.

Oh, happy the flowers
That blossom in June,
And happy the bowers
That gain by the boon,
But happier by hours
The man of descent,
Who, folly regretting,
Is bent on forgetting
His bad baronetting,
And means to repent!

TRIO--HANNAH, ADAM, and ZORAH.

Oh, happy the blossom
That blooms on the lea,
Likewise the opossum
That sits on a tree,
But when you come across 'em,
They cannot compare
With those who are treading
The dance at a wedding,
While people are spreading
The best of good fare!

SOLO--ROBIN.

Oh, wretched the debtor
Who's signing a deed!
And wretched the letter
That no one can read!
But very much better
Their lot it must be
Than that of the person
I'm making this verse on,
Whose head there's a curse on--
Alluding to me!

Repeat ensemble with Chorus.

(Dance)

(At the end of the dance Robin falls senseless on the stage.
Picture.)

END OF ACT I

ACT II

Scene.--Picture Gallery in Ruddigore Castle. The walls are
covered with full-length portraits of the Baronets of
Ruddigore from the time of James I.--the first being that of
Sir Rupert, alluded to in the legend; the last, that of the
last deceased Baronet, Sir Roderic.

Enter Robin and Adam melodramatically. They are greatly altered
in appearance, Robin wearing the haggard aspect of a guilty
roue; Adam, that of the wicked steward to such a man.

DUET--ROBIN and ADAM.

ROB. I once was as meek as a new-born lamb,
I'm now Sir Murgatroyd--ha! ha!
With greater precision
(Without the elision),
Sir Ruthven Murgatroyd--ha! ha!

ADAM. And I, who was once his valley-de-sham,
As steward I'm now employed--ha! ha!
The dickens may take him--
I'll never forsake him!
As steward I'm now employed--ha! ha!

ADDITIONAL SONG
(Omitted after opening night.)

ROB. My face is the index to my mind,
All venom and spleen and gall--ha! ha!
Or, properly speaking,
It soon will be reeking,
With venom and spleen and gall--ha! ha!

ADAM. My name from Adam Goodheart you'll find
I've changed to Gideon Crawle--ha! ha!
For bad Bart's steward
Whose heart is much too hard
Is always Gideon Crawle--ha! ha!

BOTH. How dreadful when an innocent heart
Becomes, perforce, a bad young Bart.,
And still more hard on old Adam,
His former faithful valley-de-sham!

ROB. This is a painful state of things, old Adam!

ADAM. Painful, indeed! Ah, my poor master, when I swore
that, come what would, I would serve you in all things for ever,
I little thought to what a pass it would bring me! The
confidential adviser to the greatest villain unhung! Now, sir,
to business. What crime do you propose to commit to-day?
ROB. How should I know? As my confidential adviser, it's
your duty to suggest something.
ADAM. Sir, I loathe the life you are leading, but a good
old man's oath is paramount, and I obey. Richard Dauntless is
here with pretty Rose Maybud, to ask your consent to their
marriage. Poison their beer.
ROB. No--not that--I know I'm a bad Bart., but I'm not as
bad a Bart. as all that.
ADAM. Well, there you are, you see! It's no use my making
suggestions if you don't adopt them.
ROB. (melodramatically). How would it be, do you think,
were I to lure him here with cunning wile--bind him with good
stout rope to yonder post--and then, by making hideous faces at
him, curdle the heart-blood in his arteries, and freeze the very
marrow in his bones? How say you, Adam, is not the scheme well
planned?
ADAM. It would be simply rude--nothing more. But
soft--they come!

(Adam and Robin retire up as Richard and Rose enter, preceded by
Chorus of Bridesmaids.)

DUET--RICHARD and ROSE.

RICH. Happily coupled are we,
You see--
I am a jolly Jack Tar,
My star,
And you are the fairest,
The richest and rarest
Of innocent lasses you are,
By far--
Of innocent lasses you are!
Fanned by a favouring gale,
You'll sail
Over life's treacherous sea
With me,
And as for bad weather,
We'll brave it together,
And you shall creep under my lee,
My wee!
And you shall creep under my lee!
For you are such a smart little craft--
Such a neat little, sweet little craft,
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft!

CHORUS. For she is such, etc.

ROSE. My hopes will be blighted, I fear,
My dear;
In a month you'll be going to sea,
Quite free,
And all of my wishes
You'll throw to the fishes
As though they were never to be;
Poor me!
As though they were never to be.
And I shall be left all alone
To moan,
And weep at your cruel deceit,
Complete;
While you'll be asserting
Your freedom by flirting
With every woman you meet,
You cheat--Ah!
With every woman you meet! Ah!

Though I am such a smart little craft--
Such a neat little, sweet little craft,
Such a bright little, tight little,
Slight little, light little,
Trim little, prim little craft!

CHORUS. Though she is such, etc.

(Enter Robin.)

ROB. Soho! pretty one--in my power at last, eh? Know ye
not that I have those within my call who, at my lightest bidding,
would immure ye in an uncomfortable dungeon? (Calling.) What
ho! within there!
RICH. Hold--we are prepared for this (producing a Union
Jack). Here is a flag that none dare defy (all kneel), and while
this glorious rag floats over Rose Maybud's head, the man does
not live who would dare to lay unlicensed hand upon her!
ROB. Foiled--and by a Union Jack! But a time will come,
and then---
ROSE. Nay, let me plead with him. (To Robin.) Sir Ruthven,
have pity. In my book of etiquette the case of a maiden about to
be wedded to one who unexpectedly turns out to be a baronet with
a curse on him is not considered. Time was when you loved me
madly. Prove that this was no selfish love by according your
consent to my marriage with one who, if he be not you yourself,
is the next best thing--your dearest friend!