The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!
Joke beginning,
Never ceases
Till your inning
Time releases,
On your way
You blindly stray,
And day by day
The joke increases!

King: Ten years later--Time progresses--
Sours your temper--thins your tresses;
Fancy, then, her chain relaxes;
Rates are facts and so are taxes.
Fairy Queen's no longer young--
Fairy Queen has got a tongue.
Twins have probably intruded--
Quite unbidden--just as you did--
They're a source of care and trouble--
Just as you were--only double.
Comes at last the final stroke--
Time has had its little joke!

All: Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!
Daily driven
(Wife as drover)
Ill you've thriven--
Ne'er in clover;
Lastly, when
Three-score and ten
(And not till then),
The joke is over!
Ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho! ho!
Then--and then
The joke is over!

(Exeunt Scaphio and
Phantis.)

King: (putting on his crown again) It's all very well. I
always
like to look on the humorous side of things; but I do not
think I ought to be required to write libels on my own
moral
character. Naturally, I see the joke of it--anybody
would--but Zara's coming home today; she's no longer a
child, and I confess I should not like her to see my
Opera--though it's uncommonly well written; and I should
be
sorry if the Palace Peeper got into her hands--though
it's
certainly smart--very smart indeed. It is almost a pity
that I have to buy up the whole edition, because it's
really
too good to be lost. And Lady Sophy--that blameless type
of
perfect womanhood! Great Heavens, what would she say if
the
Second Housemaid business happened to meet her pure blue
eye! (Enter Lady Sophy)

Lady S.: My monarch is soliloquizing. I will withdraw. (going)

King: No--pray don't go. Now I'll give you fifty chances, and
you
won't guess whom I was thinking of.

Lady S.: Alas, sir, I know too well. Ah! King, it's an old, old
story, and I'm wellnigh weary of it! Be warned in
time--from my heart I pity you, but I am not for you!
(going)

King: But hear what I have to say.

Lady S.: It is useless. Listen. In the course of a long and
adven-
turous career in the principal European Courts, it has
been
revealed to me that I unconsciously exercise a weird and
supernatural fascination over all Crowned Heads. So
irre-
sistible is this singular property, that there is not a
European Monarch who has not implored me, with tears in
his
eyes, to quit his kingdom, and take my fatal charms else-
where. As time was getting on it occurred to me that by
descending several pegs in the scale of Respectability I
might qualify your Majesty for my hand. Actuated by this
humane motive and happening to possess Respectability
enough
for Six, I consented to confer Respectability enough for
Four upon your two younger daughters--but although I
have,
alas, only Respectability enough for Two left, there is
still, as I gather from the public press of this country
(producing the Palace Peeper), a considerable balance in
my
favor.

King: (aside) Damn! (aloud) May I ask how you came by this?

Lady S.: It was handed to me by the officer who holds the position
of
Public Exploder to your Imperial Majesty.

King: And surely, Lady Sophy, surely you are not so unjust as
to
place any faith in the irresponsible gabble of the
Society
press!

Lady S.: (referring to paper) I read on the authority of Senex
Senior that your Majesty was seen dancing with your
Second
Housemaid on the Oriental Platform of the Tivoli Gardens.
That is untrue?

King: Absolutely. Our Second Housemaid has only one leg.

Lady S.: (suspiciously) How do you know that?

King: Common report. I give you my honor.

Lady S.: It may be so. I further read--and the statement is
vouched
for by no less an authority that Mephistopheles
Minor--that
your Majesty indulges in a bath of hot rum-punch every
morning. I trust I do not lay myself open to the charge
of
displaying an indelicate curiosity as to the mysteries of
the royal dressing-room when I ask if there is any
founda-
tion for this statement?

King: None whatever. When our medical adviser exhibits
rum-punch
it is as a draught, not as a fomentation. As to our
bath,
our valet plays the garden hose upon us every morning.

Lady S.: (shocked) Oh, pray--pray spare me these unseemly
details.
Well, you are a Despot--have you taken steps to slay this
scribbler?

King: Well, no--I have not gone so far as that. After all,
it's
the poor devil's living, you know.

Lady S.: It is the poor devil's living that surprises me. If this
man lies, there is no recognized punishment that is
suffi-
ciently terrible for him.

King: That's precisely it. I--I am waiting until a punishment
is
discovered that will exactly meet the enormity of the
case.
I am in constant communication with the Mikado of Japan,
who
is a leading authority on such points; and, moreover, I
have
the ground plans and sectional elevations of several
capital
punishments in my desk at this moment. Oh, Lady Sophy,
as
you are powerful, be merciful!

DUET -- King and Lady Sophy.

King: Subjected to your heavenly gaze
(Poetical phrase),
My brain is turned completely.
Observe me now
No monarch I vow,
Was ever so afflicted!

Lady S: I'm pleased with that poetical phrase,
"A heavenly gaze,"
But though you put it neatly,
Say what you will,
These paragraphs still
Remain uncontradicted.

Come, crush me this contemptible worm
(A forcible term),
If he's assailed you wrongly.
The rage display,
Which, as you say,
Has moved your Majesty lately.

King: Though I admit that forcible term
"Contemptible worm,"
Appeals to me most strongly,
To treat this pest
As you suggest
Would pain my Majesty greatly.

Lady S: This writer lies!
King: Yes, bother his eyes!
Lady S: He lives, you say?
King: In a sort of way.
Lady S: Then have him shot.
King: Decidedly not.
Lady S: Or crush him flat.
King: I cannot do that.
Both: O royal Rex,
My/her blameless sex
Abhors such conduct shady.
You/I plead in vain,
I/you will never gain
Respectable English lady!

(Dance of repudiation by Lady Sophy. Exit followed by
King.)

March. Enter all the Court, heralding the arrival of the Princess
Zara,
who enters, escorted by Captain Fitzbattleaxe and four
Troopers, all
in the full uniform of the First Life Guards.

CHORUS.

Oh, maiden, rich
In Girton lore
That wisdom which,
We prized before,
We do confess
Is nothingness,
And rather less,
Perhaps, than more.
On each of us
Thy learning shed.
On calculus
May we be fed.
And teach us, please,
To speak with ease,
All languages,
Alive and dead!

SOLO--Princess and Chorus

Zara: Five years have flown since I took wing--
Time flies, and his footstep ne'er retards--
I'm the eldest daughter of your King.

Troop: And we are her escort--First Life Guards!
On the royal yacht,
When the waves were white,
In a helmet hot
And a tunic tight,
And our great big boots,
We defied the storm;
For we're not recruits,
And his uniform
A well drilled trooper ne'er discards--
And we are her escort--First Life Guards!

Zara: These gentlemen I present to you,
The pride and boast of their barrack-yards;
They've taken, O! such care of me!

Troop: For we are her escort--First Life Guards!
When the tempest rose,
And the ship went so--
Do you suppose
We were ill? No, no!
Though a qualmish lot
In a tunic tight,
And a helmet hot,
And a breastplate bright
(Which a well-drilled trooper ne'er discards),
We stood as her escort--First Life Guards!

CHORUS

Knightsbridge nursemaids--serving fairies--
Stars of proud Belgravian airies;
At stern duty's call you leave them,
Though you know how that must grieve them!

Zara: Tantantarara-rara-rara!

Fitz: Trumpet-call of Princess Zara!

Cho: That's trump-call, and they're all trump cards--
They are her escort--First Life Guards!

ENSEMBLE

Chorus Princess Zara and
Fitzbattleaxe

Ladies Oh! the hours are gold,
And the joys untold,
Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. When my eyes behold
My beloved Princess;
Men And the years will seem
When the tempest rose, etc. But a brief day-dream,
In the joy extreme
Of our happiness!

Full Chorus: Knightsbridge nursemaids, serving fairies, etc.

(Enter King, Princess Nekaya and Kalyba, and Lady Sophy. As the
King enters,
the escort present arms.)

King: Zara! my beloved daughter! Why, how well you look and
how
lovely you have grown! (embraces her.)

Zara: My dear father! (embracing him) And my two beautiful
little sisters! (embracing them)

Nekaya: Not beautiful.

Kalyba: Nice-looking.

Zara: But first let me present to you the English warrior who
commands my escort, and who has taken, O! such care of me
during my voyage--Captain Fitzbattleaxe!

Troopers: The First Life Guards.
When the tempest rose,
And the ship went so--

(Captain Fitzbattleaxe motions them to be silent. The Troopers
place
themselves in the four corners of the stage, standing at ease,
immovably, as if on sentry. Each is surrounded by an admiring
group of young ladies, of whom they take no notice.)

King: (to Capt. Fitz.) Sir, you come from a country where
every
virtue flourishes. We trust that you will not criticize
too
severely such shortcomings as you may detect in our
semi-barbarous society.

Fitz.: (looking at Zara) Sir, I have eyes for nothing but the
blameless and the beautiful.

King: We thank you--he is really very polite! (Lady Sophy, who
has
been greatly scandalized by the attentions paid to the
Lifeguardsmen by the young ladies, marches the Princesses
Nekaya and Kalyba towards an exit.) Lady Sophy, do not
leave
us.

Lady S.: Sir, your children are young, and, so far, innocent. If
they are to remain so, it is necessary that they be at
once
removed from the contamination of their present
disgraceful
surroundings. (She marches them off.)

King: (whose attention has thus been called to the proceedings
of
the young ladies--aside) Dear, dear! They really
should-
n't. (Aloud) Captain Fitzbattleaxe--

Fitz.: Sir.

King: Your Troopers appear to be receiving a troublesome amount
of
attention from those young ladies. I know how strict you
English soldiers are, and I should be extremely
distressed
if anything occurred to shock their puritanical British
sensitiveness.

Fitz.: Oh, I don't think there's any chance of that.

King: You think not? They won't be offended?

Fitz.: Oh no! They are quite hardened to it. They get a good
deal
of that sort of thing, standing sentry at the Horse
Guards.

King: It's English, is it?

Fitz.: It's particularly English.

King: Then, of course, it's all right. Pray proceed, ladies,
it's
particularly English. Come, my daughter, for we have
much
to say to each other.

Zara: Farewell, Captain Fitzbattleaxe! I cannot thank you too
em-
phatically for the devoted care with which you have
watched
over me during our long and eventful voyage.

DUET -- Zara and Captain Fitzbattleaxe.

Zara: Ah! gallant soldier, brave and true
In tented field and tourney,
I grieve to have occasioned you
So very long a journey.
A British warrior give up all--
His home and island beauty--
When summoned to the trumpet call
Of Regimental Duty!

Cho: Tantantara-rara-rara!
Trumpet call of the Princess Zara!

ENSEMBLE

Men Fitz. and Zara (aside)

A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh my joy, my pride,
My delight to hide,
Let us sing, aside,
Ladies What in truth we feel,
Let us whisper low
Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. Of our love's glad glow,
Lest the truth we show
We would fain conceal.

Fitz.: Such escort duty, as his due,
To young Lifeguardsman falling
Completely reconciles him to
His uneventful calling.
When soldier seeks Utopian glades
In charge of Youth and Beauty,
Then pleasure merely masquerades
As Regimental Duty!

All: Tantantarara-rara-rara!
Trumpet-call of Princess Zara!

ENSEMBLE

Men Fitz. and Zara (aside)

A British warrior gives up all, etc. Oh! my hours are gold,
And the joys untold,
When my eyes behold
Ladies My beloved Princess;
And the years will seem
Knightsbridge nursemaids, etc. But a brief day-dream,
In the job extreme
Of our happiness!

(Exeunt King and Zara in one direction, Lifeguardsmen and crowd in
opposite direction. Enter, at back, Scaphio and Phantis, who
watch
Zara as she goes off. Scaphio is seated, shaking violently,
and
obviously under the influence of some strong emotion.)

Phantis: There--tell me, Scaphio, is she not beautiful? Can you
wonder that I love her so passionately?

Scaphio: No. She is extraordinarily--miraculously lovely! Good
heavens, what a singularly beautiful girl!

Phantis: I knew you would say so!

Scaphio: What exquisite charm of manner! What surprising delicacy
of
gesture! Why, she's a goddess! a very goddess!

Phantis: (rather taken aback) Yes--she's--she's an attractive
girl.

Scaphio: Attractive? Why, you must be blind!--She's
entrancing--enthralling--intoxicating! (Aside) God
bless
my heart, what's the matter with me?

Phantis: (alarmed) Yes. You--you promised to help me to get her
father's consent, you know.

Scaphio: Promised! Yes, but the convulsion has come, my good boy!
It is she--my ideal! Why, what's this? (Staggering)
Phantis! Stop me--I'm going mad--mad with the love of
her!

Phantis: Scaphio, compose yourself, I beg. The girl is perfectly
opaque! Besides, remember--each of us is helpless
without
the other. You can't succeed without my consent, you
know.

Scaphio: And you dare to threaten? Oh, ungrateful! When you came
to
me, palsied with love for this girl, and implored my
assis-
tance, did I not unhesitatingly promise it? And this is
the
return you make? Out of my sight, ingrate! (Aside)
Dear!
dear! what is the matter with me? (Enter Capt.
Fitzbattleaxe
and Zara)

Zara: Dear me. I'm afraid we are interrupting a tete-a-tete.

Scaphio: (breathlessly) No, no. You come very appropriately. To
be
brief, we--we love you--this man and
I--madly--passionately!

Zara: Sir!

Scaphio: And we don't know how we are to settle which of us is to
marry you.

Fitz.: Zara, this is very awkward.

Scaphio: (very much overcome) I--I am paralyzed by the singular
radiance of your extraordinary loveliness. I know I am
incoherent. I never was like this before--it shall not
occur again. I--shall be fluent, presently.

Zara: (aside) Oh, dear, Captain Fitzbattleaxe, what is to be
done?

Fitz.: (aside) Leave it to me--I'll manage it. (Aloud) It's
a
common situation. Why not settle it in the English
fashion?

Both: The English fashion? What is that?

Fitz.: It's very simple. In England, when two gentlemen are in
love with the same lady, and until it is settled which
gentleman is to blow out the brains of the other, it is
provided, by the Rival Admirers' Clauses Consolidation
Act,
that the lady shall be entrusted to an officer of
Household
Cavalry as stakeholder, who is bound to hand her over to
the
survivor (on the Tontine principle) in a good condition
of
substantial and decorative repair.

Scaphio: Reasonable wear and tear and damages by fire excepted?

Fitz.: Exactly.

Phantis: Well, that seems very reasonable. (To Scaphio) What do
you
say--Shall we entrust her to this officer of Household
Cavalry? It will give us time.

Scaphio: (trembling violently) I--I am not at present in a
condition
to think it out coolly--but if he is an officer of
Household
Cavalry, and if the Princess consents---

Zara: Alas, dear sirs, I have no alternative--under the Rival
Admirers' Clauses Consolidation Act!

Fitz.: Good--then that's settled.

QUARTET
Fitzbattleaxe, Zara, Scaphio, and Phantis.

Fitz.: It's understood, I think, all round
That, by the English custom bound
I hold the lady safe and sound
In trust for either rival,
Until you clearly testify
By sword and pistol, by and by,
Which gentleman prefers to die,
And which prefers survival.

ENSEMBLE

Sca. and Phan. Zara and Fitz

Its clearly understood all round We stand, I think, on safish
ground
That, by your English custom bound Our senses weak it will
astound
He holds the lady safe and sound If either gentleman is found
In trust for either rival, Prepared to meet his rival.
Until we clearly testify Their machinations we defy;
By sword or pistol, by and by We won't be parted, you and
I--
Which gentleman prefers to die, Of bloodshed each is rather
shy--
Which prefers survival. They both prefer survival

Phan.: If I should die and he should live
(aside to Fitz.) To you, without reserve, I give
Her heart so young and sensitive,
And all her predilections.

Sca.: If he should live and I should die,
(aside to Fitz.) I see no kind of reason why
You should not, if you wish it, try
To gain her young affections.

ENSEMBLE

Sca. and Phant. Fitz and Zara

If I should die and you should live As both of us are positive
To this young officer I give That both of them intend to
live,
Her heart so soft and sensitive, There's nothing in the case to
give
And all her predilections. Us cause for grave
reflections.
If you should live and I should die As both will live and neither
die
I see no kind of reason why I see no kind of reason why
He should not, if he chooses, try I should not, if I wish it,
try
To win her young affections. To gain your young
affections!

(Exit Scaphio and Phantis
together)

DUET -- Zara and Fitzbattleaxe

Ensemble: Oh admirable art!
Oh, neatly-planned intention!
Oh, happy intervention--
Oh, well constructed plot!

When sages try to part
Two loving hearts in fusion,
Their wisdom's delusion,
And learning serves them not!

Fitz.: Until quit plain
Is their intent,
These sages twain
I represent.
Now please infer
That, nothing loth,
You're henceforth, as it were,
Engaged to marry both--
Then take it that I represent the two--
On that hypothesis, what would you do?

Zara. (aside): What would I do? what would I do?
(To Fitz.) In such a case,
Upon your breast,
My blushing face
I think I'd rest--(doing so)
Then perhaps I might
Demurely say--
"I find this breastplate bright
Is sorely in the way!"

Fitz.: Our mortal race
Is never blest--
There's no such case
As perfect rest;
Some petty blight
Asserts its sway--
Some crumbled roseleaf light
Is always in the way!

(Exit Fitzbattleaxe. Manet
Zara.)

(Enter King.)

King: My daughter! At last we are alone together.

Zara: Yes, and I'm glad we are, for I want to speak to you very
seriously. Do you know this paper?

King: (aside) Da--! (Aloud) Oh yes--I've--I've seen it.
Where
in the world did you get this from?

Zara: It was given to me by Lady Sophy--my sisters' governess.

King: (aside) Lady Sophy's an angel, but I do sometimes wish
she'd mind her own business! (Aloud) It's--ha!
ha!--it's
rather humorous.

Zara: I see nothing humorous in it. I only see that you, the
des-
potic King of this country, are made the subject of the
most
scandalous insinuations. Why do you permit these things?

King: Well, they appeal to my sense of humor. It's the only
really comic paper in Utopia, and I wouldn't be without
it
for the world.