The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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TESS.I, no doubt, Giuseppe wedded-- THE OTHERS. In a
contemplative
That's, of course, a slice of luck fashion,
etc.
He is rather dunder-headed.
Still distinctly, he's a duck.

GIA. I, a victim, too, of Cupid, THE OTHERS. Let
us grasp the
Marco married - that is clear. situation,
etc.
He's particularly stupid,
Still distinctly, he's a dear.

MAR. To Gianetta I was mated; THE OTHERS. In a
contemplative
I can prove it in a trice: fashion,
etc.
Though her charms are overrated,
Still I own she's rather nice.

GIU. I to Tessa, willy-nilly, THE OTHERS. Let us
grasp the
All at once a victim fell. situation,
etc.
She is what is called a silly,
Still she answers pretty well.

MAR. Now when we were pretty babies
Some one married us, that's clear--

GIA. And if I can catch her
I'll pinch her and scratch her
And send her away with a flea in her ear.

GIU. He whom that young lady married,
To receive her can't refuse.

TESS. If I overtake her
I'll warrant I'll make her
To shake in her aristocratical shoes!

GIA. (to Tess.). If she married your Giuseppe
You and he will have to part--

TESS. (to Gia.). If I have to do it
I'll warrant she'll rue it--
I'll teach her to marry the man of my heart!

TESS. (to Gia.). If she married Messer Marco
You're a spinster, that is plain--

GIA. (to Tess.). No matter--no matter.
If I can get at her
I doubt if her mother will know her again!

ALL. Quiet, calm deliberation
Disentangles every knot!

(Exeunt,
pondering.)

(March. Enter procession of Retainers, heralding approach of
Duke, Duchess, and Casilda. All three are now dressed with the
utmost magnificence.)

CHORUS OF MEN, with DUKE and DUCHESS.

With ducal pomp and ducal pride
(Announce these comers,
O ye kettle-drummers!)
Comes Barataria's high-born bride.
(Ye sounding cymbals clang!)
She comes to claim the Royal hand--
(Proclaim their Graces,
O ye double basses!)
Of the King who rules this goodly land.
(Ye brazen brasses bang!)

DUKE and This polite attention touches
DUCH. Heart of Duke and heart of Duchess
Who resign their pet
With profound regret.
She of beauty was a model
When a tiny tiddle-toddle,
And at twenty-one
She's excelled by none!

CHORUS. With ducal pomp and ducal pride, etc.

DUKE (to his attendants). Be good enough to inform His Majesty
that His Grace the Duke of Plaza-Toro, Limited, has arrived, and
begs--
CAS. Desires--
DUCH. Demands--
DUKE. And demands an audience. (Exeunt attendants.) And
now, my child, prepare to receive the husband to whom you were
united under such interesting and romantic circumstances.
CAS. But which is it? There are two of them!
DUKE. It is true that at present His Majesty is a double
gentleman; but as soon as the circumstances of his marriage are
ascertained, he will, ipso facto, boil down to a single
gentleman--thus presenting a unique example of an individual who
becomes a single man and a married man by the same operation.
DUCH. (severely). I have known instances in which the
characteristics of both conditions existed concurrently in the
same individual.
DUKE. Ah, he couldn't have been a Plaza-Toro.
DUCH. Oh! couldn't he, though!
CAS. Well, whatever happens, I shall, of course, be a
dutiful wife, but I can never love my husband.
DUKE. I don't know. It's extraordinary what
unprepossessing people one can love if one gives one's mind to
it.
DUCH. I loved your father.
DUKE. My love--that remark is a little hard, I think?
Rather cruel, perhaps? Somewhat uncalled-for, I venture to
believe?
DUCH. It was very difficult, my dear; but I said to myself,
"That man is a Duke, and I will love him." Several of my
relations bet me I couldn't, but I did--desperately!

SONG--DUCHESS.

On the day when I was wedded
To your admirable sire,
I acknowledge that I dreaded
An explosion of his ire.
I was overcome with panic--
For his temper was volcanic,
And I didn't dare revolt,
For I feared a thunderbolt!
I was always very wary,
For his fury was ecstatic--
His refined vocabulary
Most unpleasantly emphatic.
To the thunder
Of this Tartar
I knocked under
Like a martyr;
When intently
He was fuming,
I was gently
Unassuming--
When reviling
Me completely,
I was smiling
Very sweetly:
Giving him the very best, and getting back the very worst--
That is how I tried to tame your great progenitor--at first!
But I found that a reliance
On my threatening appearance,
And a resolute defiance
Of marital interference,
And a gentle intimation
Of my firm determination
To see what I could do
To be wife and husband too
Was the only thing required
For to make his temper supple,
And you couldn't have desired
A more reciprocating couple.
Ever willing
To be wooing,
We were billing--
We were cooing;
When I merely
From him parted,
We were nearly
Broken-hearted--
When in sequel
Reunited,
We were equal-
Ly delighted.
So with double-shotted guns and colours nailed unto the mast,
I tamed your insignificant progenitor--at last!

CAS. My only hope is that when my husband sees what a shady
family he has married into he will repudiate the contract
altogether.
DUKE. Shady? A nobleman shady, who is blazing in the
lustre of unaccustomed pocket-money? A nobleman shady, who can
look back upon ninety-five quarterings? It is not every nobleman
who is ninety-five quarters in arrear--I mean, who can look back
upon ninety-five of them! And this, just as I have been floated
at a premium! Oh fie!
DUCH. Your Majesty is surely unaware that directly your
Majesty's father came before the public he was applied for over
and over again.
DUKE. My dear, Her Majesty's father was in the habit of
being applied for over and over again--and very urgently applied
for, too--long before he was registered under the Limited
Liability Act.

RECITATIVE--DUKE.

To help unhappy commoners, and add to their enjoyment,
Affords a man of noble rank congenial employment;
Of our attempts we offer you examples illustrative:
The work is light, and, I may add, it's most remunerative.

DUET--DUKE and DUCHESS.

DUKE. Small titles and orders
For Mayors and Recorders
I get--and they're highly delighted--

DUCH. They're highly delighted!

DUKE. M.P.'s baronetted,
Sham Colonels gazetted,
And second-rate Aldermen knighted--

DUCH. Yes, Aldermen knighted.

DUKE. Foundation-stone laying
I find very paying:
It adds a large sum to my makings--

DUCH. Large sums to his makings.

DUKE. At charity dinners
The best of speech-spinners,
I get ten per cent on the takings--

DUCH. One-tenth of the takings.

DUCH. I present any lady
Whose conduct is shady
Or smacking of doubtful propriety--

DUKE. Doubtful propriety.

DUCH. When Virtue would quash her,
I take and whitewash her,
And launch her in first-rate society--

DUKE. First-rate society!

DUCH. I recommend acres
Of clumsy dressmakers--
Their fit and their finishing touches--

DUKE. Their finishing touches.

DUCH. A sum in addition
They pay for permission
To say that they make for the Duchess--

DUKE. They make for the Duchess!

DUKE. Those pressing prevailers,
The ready-made tailors,
Quote me as their great double-barrel--

DUCH. Their great double-barrel--

DUKE. I allow them to do so,
Though Robinson Crusoe
Would jib at their wearing apparel--

DUCH. Such wearing apparel!

DUKE. I sit, by selection,
Upon the direction
Of several Companies bubble--

DUCH. All Companies bubble!

DUKE. As soon as they're floated
I'm freely bank-noted--
I'm pretty well paid for my trouble--

DUCH. He's paid for his trouble!

DUCH. At middle-class party
I play at ecarte--
And I'm by no means a beginner--

DUKE (significantly). She's not a beginner.

DUCH. To one of my station
The remuneration--
Five guineas a night and my dinner--

DUKE. And wine with her dinner.

DUCH. I write letters blatant
On medicines patent--
And use any other you mustn't--

DUKE. Believe me, you mustn't--

DUCH. And vow my complexion
Derives its perfection
From somebody's soap--which it doesn't--

DUKE. (significantly). It certainly doesn't!

DUKE. We're ready as witness
To any one's fitness
To fill any place or preferment--

DUCH. A place or preferment.

DUCH. We're often in waiting
At junket or feting,
And sometimes attend an interment--

DUKE. We enjoy an interment.

BOTH. In short, if you'd kindle
The spark of a swindle,
Lure simpletons into your clutches--
Yes; into your clutches.
Or hoodwink a debtor,
You cannot do better

DUCH. Than trot out a Duke or a Duchess--

DUKE. A Duke or a Duchess!

(Enter Marco and Giuseppe.)

DUKE. Ah! Their Majesties. Your Majesty! (Bows with
great ceremony.)
MAR. The Duke of Plaza-Toro, I believe?
DUKE. The same. (Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands
with him. The Duke bows ceremoniously. They endeavour to
imitate him.) Allow me to present--
GIU. The young lady one of us married?

(Marco and Giuseppe offer to shake hands with her. Casilda
curtsies formally. They endeavour to imitate her.)

CAS. Gentlemen, I am the most obedient servant of one of
you. (Aside.) Oh, Luiz!
DUKE. I am now about to address myself to the gentleman
whom my daughter married; the other may allow his attention to
wander if he likes, for what I am about to say does not concern
him. Sir, you will find in this young lady a combination of
excellences which you would search for in vain in any young lady
who had not the good fortune to be my daughter. There is some
little doubt as to which of you is the gentleman I am addressing,
and which is the gentleman who is allowing his attention to
wander; but when that doubt is solved, I shall say (still
addressing the attentive gentleman), "Take her, and may she make
you happier than her mother has made me."
DUCH. Sir!
DUKE. If possible. And now there is a little matter to
which I think I am entitled to take exception. I come here in
state with Her Grace the Duchess and Her Majesty my daughter, and
what do I find? Do I find, for instance, a guard of honour to
receive me? No!
MAR. and GIU. No.
DUKE. The town illuminated? No!
MAR. and GIU. No.
DUKE. Refreshment provided? No!
MAR. and GIU. No.
DUKE. A Royal salute fired? No!
MAR. and GIU. No.
DUKE. Triumphal arches erected? No!
MAR. and GIU. No.
DUKE. The bells set ringing?
MAR. and GIU. No.
DUKE. Yes--one--the Visitors', and I rang it myself. It is
not enough! It is not enough!
GIU. Upon my honour, I'm very sorry; but you see, I was
brought up in a gondola, and my ideas of politeness are confined
to taking off my cap to my passengers when they tip me.
DUCH. That's all very well in its way, but it is not
enough.
GIU. I'll take off anything else in reason.
DUKE. But a Royal Salute to my daughter--it costs so
little.
CAS. Papa, I don't want a salute.
GIU. My dear sir, as soon as we know which of us is
entitled to take that liberty she shall have as many salutes as
she likes.
MAR. As for guards of honour and triumphal arches, you
don't know our people--they wouldn't stand it.
GIU. They are very off-hand with us--very off-hand indeed.
DUKE. Oh, but you mustn't allow that--you must keep them in
proper discipline, you must impress your Court with your
importance. You want deportment--carriage--
GIU. We've got a carriage.
DUKE. Manner--dignity. There must be a good deal of this
sort of thing--(business)--and a little of this sort of
thing--(business)--and possibly just a Soupcon of this sort of
thing!--(business)--and so on. Oh, it's very useful, and most
effective. Just attend to me. You are a King--I am a subject.
Very good--
(Gavotte.)

DUKE, DUCHESS, CASILDA, MARCO, GIUSEPPE.

DUKE. I am a courtier grave and serious
Who is about to kiss your hand:
Try to combine a pose imperious
With a demeanour nobly bland.

MAR. and Let us combine a pose imperious
GIU. With a demeanour nobly bland.

(Marco and Giuseppe endeavour to carry out his instructions.)

DUKE. That's, if anything, too unbending--
Too aggressively stiff and grand;

(They suddenly modify their attitudes.)

Now to the other extreme you're tending--
Don't be so deucedly condescending!

DUCH. and Now to the other extreme you're tending--
CAS. Don't be so dreadfully condescending!

MAR. and Oh, hard to please some noblemen seem!
GIU. At first, if anything, too unbending;
Off we go to the other extreme--
Too confoundedly condescending!

DUKE. Now a gavotte perform sedately--
Offer your hand with conscious pride;
Take an attitude not too stately,
Still sufficiently dignified.

MAR. and Now for an attitude not too stately,
GIU. Still sufficiently dignified.

(They endeavour to carry out his instructions.)

DUKE (beating Oncely, twicely--oncely, twicely--
time). Bow impressively ere you glide.
(They
do so.)

Capital both, capital
both--you've caught it nicely!
That is the style of thing precisely!

DUCH. and Capital both, capital both--they've
caught it nicely!
CAS. That is the style of thing precisely!

MAR. and Oh, sweet to earn a nobleman's praise!
GIU. Capital both, capital both--we've caught it
nicely!
Supposing he's right in what he says,
This is the style of
thing precisely!

(Gavotte. At the end exeunt Duke and Duchess, leaving Casilda
with Marco and Giuseppe.)

GIU. (to Marco). The old birds have gone away and left the
young chickens together. That's called tact.
MAR. It's very awkward. We really ought to tell her how we
are situated. It's not fair to the girl.
GIU. Then why don't you do it?
MAR. I'd rather not--you.
GIU. I don't know how to begin. (To Casilda.)
Er--Madam--I--we, that is, several of us--
CAS. Gentlemen, I am bound to listen to you; but it is
right to tell you that, not knowing I was married in infancy, I
am over head and ears in love with somebody else.
GIU. Our case exactly! We are over head and ears in love
with somebody else! (Enter Gianetta and Tessa.) In point of
fact, with our wives!
CAS. Your wives! Then you are married?
TESS. It's not our fault.
GIA. We knew nothing about it.
BOTH. We are sisters in misfortune.
CAS. My good girls, I don't blame you. Only before we go
any further we must really arrive at some satisfactory
arrangement, or we shall get hopelessly complicated.

QUINTET AND FINALE.

MARCO, GIUSEPPE, CASILDA, GIANETTA, TESSA.

ALL. Here is a case unprecedented!
Here are a King and Queen ill-starred!
Ever since marriage was first invented
Never was known a case so hard!

MAR. and I may be said to have been bisected,
GIU. By a profound catastrophe!

CAS., GIA., Through a calamity unexpected
TESS. I am divisible into three!

ALL. O moralists all,
How can you call
Marriage a state of unitee,
When excellent husbands are bisected,
And wives divisible into three?
O moralists all,
How can you call
Marriage a state of union true?

CAS., GIA., One-third of myself is married to half of
ye
TESS. or you,

MAR. and When half of myself has married one-third of ye
GIU. or you?

(Enter Don Alhambra, followed by Duke, Duchess, and all the
Chorus.)

FINALE.

RECITATIVE--DON ALHAMBRA.

Now let the loyal lieges gather round--
The Prince's foster-mother has been found!
She will declare, to silver clarion's sound,
The rightful King--let him forthwith be crowned!

CHORUS. She will declare, etc.

(Don Alhambra brings forward Inez, the Prince's foster-mother.)

TESS. Speak, woman, speak--
DUKE. We're all attention!
GIA. The news we seek-
DUCH. This moment mention.
CAS. To us they bring--
DON AL. His foster-mother.
MAR. Is he the King?
GIU. Or this my brother?

ALL. Speak, woman, speak, etc.

RECITATIVE--INEZ.

The Royal Prince was by the King entrusted
To my fond care, ere I grew old and crusted;
When traitors came to steal his son reputed,
My own small boy I deftly substituted!
The villains fell into the trap completely--
I hid the Prince away--still sleeping sweetly:
I called him "son" with pardonable slyness--
His name, Luiz! Behold his Royal Highness!

(Sensation. Luiz ascends the throne, crowned and robed as King.)

CAS. (rushing to his arms). Luiz!
LUIZ. Casilda! (Embrace.)

ALL. Is this indeed the King?
Oh, wondrous revelation!
Oh, unexpected thing!
Unlooked-for situation!

MAR., GIA., This statement we receive
GIU., TESS. With sentiments conflicting;
Our hearts rejoice and grieve,
Each other contradicting;
To those whom we adore
We can be reunited--
On one point rather sore,
But, on the whole, delighted!

LUIZ. When others claimed thy dainty hand,
I waited--waited--waited,

DUKE. As prudence (so I understand)
Dictated--tated--tated.

CAS. By virtue of our early vow
Recorded--corded--corded,

DUCH. Your pure and patient love is now
Rewarded--warded--warded.

ALL. Then hail, O King of a Golden Land,
And the high-born bride who claims his hand!
The past is dead, and you gain your own,
A royal crown and a golden throne!

(All kneel: Luiz crowns Casilda.)

ALL. Once more gondolieri,
Both skilful and wary,
Free from this quandary
Contented are we. Ah!
From Royalty flying,
Our gondolas plying,
And merrily crying
Our "preme," "stali!" Ah!

So good-bye, cachucha, fandango, bolero--
We'll dance a farewell to that measure--
Old Xeres, adieu--Manzanilla--Montero--
We leave you with feelings of pleasure!

CURTAIN

THE GRAND DUKE

OR

THE STATUTORY DUEL

by W. S. Gilbert

DRAMATIS PERSONAE.

RUDOLPH (Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig).
ERNEST DUMMKOPF (a Theatrical Manager).
LUDWIG (his Leading Comedian).
DR. TANNHUSER (a Notary).
THE PRINCE OF MONTE CARLO.
VISCOUNT MENTONE.
BEN HASHBAZ (a Costumier).
HERALD.

----

THE PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO (betrothed to RUDOLPH).
THE BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT (betrothed to RUDOLPH).
JULIA JELLICOE (an English Comdienne).
LISA (a Soubrette).
Members of Ernest Dummkopf's Company:
OLGA
GRETCHEN
BERTHA
ELSA
MARTHA
Chamberlains, Nobles, Actors, Actresses, etc.

----

ACT I.--Scene. Public Square of Speisesaal.

ACT II.--Scene. Hall in the Grand Ducal Palace.

Date 1750.

First produced at the Savoy Theatre on March 7, 1896.

ACT I.

SCENE.--Market-place of Speisesaal, in the Grand Duchy of Pfennig
Halbpfennig. A well, with decorated ironwork, up L.C. GRETCHEN,
BERTHA, OLGA, MARTHA, and other members of ERNEST DUMMKOPF'S
theatrical company are discovered, seated at several small
tables, enjoying a repast in honour of the nuptials of LUDWIG,
his leading comedian, and LISA, his soubrette.

CHORUS.

Won't it be a pretty wedding?
Will not Lisa look delightful?
Smiles and tears in plenty shedding--
Which in brides of course is rightful
One could say, if one were spiteful,
Contradiction little dreading,
Her bouquet is simply frightful--
Still, 'twill be a pretty wedding!
Oh, it is a pretty wedding!
Such a pretty, pretty wedding!

ELSA. If her dress is badly fitting,
Theirs the fault who made her trousseau.

BERTHA. If her gloves are always splitting,
Cheap kid gloves, we know, will do so.

OLGA. If upon her train she stumbled,
On one's train one's always treading.

GRET. If her hair is rather tumbled,
Still, 'twill be a pretty wedding!

CHORUS. Such a pretty, pretty wedding!

CHORUS.

Here they come, the couple plighted--
On life's journey gaily start them.
Soon to be for aye united,
Till divorce or death shall part them.

(LUDWIG and LISA come forward.)

DUET--LUDWIG and LISA.

LUD. Pretty Lisa, fair and tasty,
Tell me now, and tell me truly,
Haven't you been rather hasty?
Haven't you been rash unduly?
Am I quite the dashing sposo
That your fancy could depict you?
Perhaps you think I'm only so-so?
(She expresses admiration.)
Well, I will not contradict you!