The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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WOMEN Pretty warders are ye!
Whom do ye ward?
Spite of ye all, he is free-- he is free!
Whom do ye ward?
Pretty warders are ye!

MEN Up and down, and in and out,
Here and there, and round about;
Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry house,
Ev'ry chink that holds a mouse,
Ev'ry crevice in the keep,
Where a beetle black could creep,
Ev'ry outlet, ev'ry drain,
Have we searched, but all in vain, all in vain.

WOMEN Warders are ye?
Whom do ye ward?

MEN Ev'ry house, ev'ry chink, ev'ry drain,

WOMEN Warders are ye?
Whom do ye ward?

MEN Ev'ry chamber, ev'ry outlet,
Have we searched, but all in vain.

WOMEN Night has spread her pall once more,
And the pris'ner still is free:

MEN Warders are we? Whom do we ward?
Whom do we ward?
Warders are we? Whom do we ward?
Whom do we ward?

WOMEN Open is his dungeon door,
Useless his dungeon key!

ALL Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!

MEN Pretty warders are we, he is free!
Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!

WOMEN Open is his dungeon door,

MEN Spite of us all, he is free, he is free!
Pretty warders are we, he is free! He is free!

WOMEN He is free! He is free!
Pretty warders are ye,

ALL He is free! He is free!
Pretty warders are ye/we!

[Exeunt all.

[Enter JACK POINT, in low spirits, reading from a huge
volume

POINT [reads] "The Merrie Jestes of Hugh Ambrose, No.
7863.The Poor Wit and the Rich Councillor. A certayne
poor wit, being an-hungered, did meet a well-fed
councillor.'Marry, fool,' quothe the councillor,
'whither away?' 'In truth,' said the poor wag, 'in
that I have eaten naught these two dayes, I do wither
away, and that right rapidly!' The Councillor laughed
hugely, and gave him a sausage." Humph! the councillor
was easier to please than my new master the
Lieutenant. I would like to take post under that
councillor. Ah! 'tis but melancholy mumming when poor
heart-broken, jilted Jack Point must needs turn to
Hugh Ambrose for original light humour!

[Enter WILFRED, also in low spirits.

WILFRED [sighing] Ah, Master Point!

POINT [changing his manner] Ha! friend jailer! Jailer that
wast-- jailer that never shalt be more! Jailer that
jailed not, or that jailed, if jail he did, so
unjailery that 'twas but jerry-jailing, or jailing in
joke-- though no joke to him who, by unjailerlike
jailing, did so jeopardise his jailership. Come, take
heart, smile, laugh, wink, twinkle, thou tormentor
that tormentest none-- thou racker that rackest not--
thou pincher out of place-- come, take heart, and be
merry, as I am!-- [aside, dolefully]-- as I am!

WILFRED Aye, it's well for thee to laugh. Thou hast a good
post, and hast cause to be merry.

POINT [bitterly] Cause? Have we not all cause? Is not the
world a big butt of humour, into which all who will
may drive a gimlet? See, I am a salaried wit; and is
there aught in nature more ridiculous? A poor, dull,
heart-broken man, who must needs be merry, or he will
be whipped; who must rejoice, lest he starve; who must
jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack you,
riddle you, from hour to hour, from day to day, from
year to year, lest he dwindle, perish, starve,
pine,and die! Why, when there's naught else to laugh
at, I laugh at myself till I ache for it!

WILFRED Yet I have often thought that a jester's calling would
suit me to a hair.

POINT Thee? Would suit thee, thou death's head and cross-
bones?

WILFRED Aye, I have a pretty wit-- a light, airy, joysome wit,
spiced with anecdotes of prison cells and the torture
chamber. Oh, a very delicate wit! I have tried it on
many a prisoner, and there have been some who smiled.
Now it is not easy to make a prisoner smile. And it
should not be difficult to be a good jester, seeing
that thou are one.

POINT Difficult? Nothing easier. Nothing easier. Attend, and
I will prove it to thee!

No. 14. Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon
(SONG)
Point

POINT Oh! a private buffoon is a light-hearted loon,
If you listen to popular rumour;
From morning to night he's so joyous and bright,
And he bubbles with wit and good humour!
He's so quaint and so terse,
Both in prose and in verse;
Yet though people forgive his transgression,
There are one or two rules that all family fools
Must observe, if they love their profession.
There are one or two rules,
Half-a-dozen, maybe,
That all family fools,
Of whatever degree,
Must observe if they love their profession.

If you wish to succeed as a jester, you'll need
To consider each person's auricular:
What is all right for B would quite scandalize C
(For C is so very particular);
And D may be dull, and E's very thick skull
Is as empty of brains as a ladle;
While F is F sharp, and will cry with a carp,
That he's known your best joke from his cradle!
When your humour they flout,
You can't let yourself go;
And it does put you out
When a person says, "Oh!
I have known that old joke from my cradle!"

If your master is surly, from getting up early
(And tempers are short in the morning),
An inopportune joke is enough to provoke
Him to give you, at once, a month's warning.
Then if you refrain, he is at you again,
For he likes to get value for money:
He'll ask then and there, with an insolent stare,
"If you know that you're paid to be funny?"
It adds to the tasks
Of a merryman's place,
When your principal asks,
With a scowl on his face,
If you know that you're paid to be funny?

Comes a Bishop, maybe, or a solemn D.D.--
Oh, beware of his anger provoking!
Better not pull his hair--
Don't stick pins in his chair;
He won't understand practical joking.
If the jests that you crack have an orthodox smack,
You may get a bland smile from these sages;
But should it, by chance, be imported from France,
Half-a-crown is stopped out of your wages!
It's a general rule,
Tho' your zeal it may quench,
If the Family Fool
Makes a joke that's too French,
Half-a-crown is stopped out of his wages!

Though your head it may rack with a bilious attack,
And your senses with toothache you're losing,
And you're mopy and flat--
they don't fine you for that
If you're properly quaint and amusing!
Though your wife ran away with a soldier that day,
And took with her your trifle of money;
Bless your heart, they don't mind--
they're exceedingly kind--
They don't blame you--as long as you're funny!
It's a comfort to feel
If your partner should flit,
Though you suffer a deal,
They don't mind it a bit--
They don't blame you--so long as you're funny!

POINT And so thou wouldst be a jester eh?

WILFRED Aye!

POINT Now, listen! My sweetheart, Elsie Maynard, was
secretly wed to this Fairfax half an hour ere he
escaped.

WILFRED She did well.

POINT She did nothing of the kind, so hold thy peace and
perpend. Now, while he liveth she is dead to me and I
to her, and so, my jibes and jokes notwithstanding, I
am the saddest and the sorriest dog in England!

WILFRED Thou art a very dull dog indeed.

POINT Now, if thou wilt swear that thou didst shoot this
Fairfax while he was trying to swim across the river--
it needs but the discharge of an arquebus on a dark
night-- and that he sank and was seen no more, I'll
make thee the very Archbishop of jesters, and that in
two days'time! Now, what sayest thou?

WILFRED I am to lie?

POINT Heartily. But thy lie must be a lie of circumstance,
which I will support with the testimony of eyes,
ears,and tongue.

WILFRED And thou wilt qualify me as a jester?

POINT As a jester among jesters. I will teach thee all my
original songs, my self-constructed riddles, my own
ingenious paradoxes; nay, more, I will reveal to thee
the source whence I get them. Now, what sayest thou?

WILFRED Why, if it be but a lie thou wantest of me, I hold it
cheap enough, and I say yes, it is a bargain!

No. 15. Hereupon we're both agreed
(DUET)
Point and Wilfred

BOTH Hereupon we're both agreed,
All that we two
Do agree to
We'll secure by solemn deed,
To prevent all
Error mental.

POINT You on Elsie are to call
With a story
Grim and gory;

WILFRED How this Fairfax died, and all
I declare to
You're to swear to.

POINT I to swear to!

WILFRED I declare to,

POINT I to swear to!

WILFRED I declare to,

BOTH I to swear to,/I declare to,
You declare to,/You're to swear to,
I to swear to,/I declare to.

BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!

In return for your/my own part
You are/I am making, undertaking
To instruct me/you in the art
(Art amazing, wonder raising)

POINT Of a jester, jesting free.
Proud position--
High ambition!

WILFRED And a lively one I'll be,
Wag-a-wagging,
Never flagging!

POINT Wag-a-wagging,

WILFRED Never flagging,

POINT Wag-a-wagging,

WILFRED Never flagging,

BOTH Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging,
Wag-a-wagging,/Never flagging,
Never flagging,/Wag-a-wagging!

BOTH Tell a tale of cock and bull,
Of convincing detail full
Tale tremendous,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!

POINT What a tale of cock,

WILFRED What a tale of bull!

POINT What a tale of cock,

WILFRED What a tale of bull!

BOTH What a tale of cock and bull,
Cock and bull, cock and bull,
Heav'n defend us!
What a tale of cock and bull!

[Exeunt together.

[Enter FAIRFAX

FAIRFAX Two days gone, and no news of poor Fairfax. The dolts!
They seek him everywhere save within a dozen yards of
his dungeon. So I am free! Free, but for the cursed
haste with which I hurried headlong into the bonds of
matrimony with-- Heaven knows whom! As far as I
remember, she should have been young; but even had not
her face been concealed by her kerchief, I doubt
whether, in my then plight, I should have taken much
note of her. Free? Bah! The Tower bonds were but a
thread of silk compared with these conjugal fetters
which I, fool that I was, placed upon mine own hands.
From the one I broke readily enough-- how to break the
other!

No. 16. Free from his fetters grim
(BALLAD)
Fairfax

FAIRFAX Free from his fetters grim--
Free to depart;
Free both in life and limb--
In all but heart!
Bound to an unknown bride
For good and ill;
Ah, is not one so tied
A pris'ner still, a pris'ner still?
Ah, is not one so tied
A pris'ner still?

Free, yet in fetters held
Till his last hour,
Gyves that no smith can weld,
No rust devour!
Although a monarch's hand
Had set him free,
Of all the captive band
The saddest he, the saddest he!
Of all the captive band
The saddest, saddest he!

[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL

FAIRFAX Well, Sergeant Meryll, and how fares thy pretty
charge,Elsie Maynard?

MERYLL Well enough, sir. She is quite strong again, and
leaves us to-night.

FAIRFAX Thanks to Dame Carruthers' kind nursing, eh?

MERYLL Aye, deuce take the old witch! Ah, 'twas but a sorry
trick you played me, sir, to bring the fainting girl
to me. It gave the old lady an excuse for taking up
her quarters in my house, and for the last two years
I've shunned her like the plague. Another day of it
and she would have married me! [Enter DAME CARRUTHERS
and KATE] Good Lord, here she is again! I'll e'en go.
[Going]

DAME Nay, Sergeant Meryll, don't go. I have something of
grave import to say to thee.

MERYLL [aside] It's coming.

FAIRFAX [laughing] I'faith, I think I', not wanted here.
[Going]

DAME Nay, Master Leonard, I've naught to say to thy father
that his son may not hear.

FAIRFAX [aside] True. I'm one of the family; I had forgotten!

DAME 'Tis about this Elsie Maynard. A pretty girl, Master
Leonard.

FAIRFAX Aye, fair as a peach blossom-- what then?

DAME She hath a liking for thee, or I mistake not.

FAIRFAX With all my heart. She's as dainty a little amid as
you'll find in a midsummer day's march.

DAME Then be warned in time, and give not thy heart to her.
Oh, I know what it is to give my heart to one who will
have none of it!

MERYLL [aside] Aye, she knows all about that.
[Aloud] And why is my boy to take heed of her? She's
a good girl, Dame Carruthers.

DAME Good enough, for aught I know. But she's no girl.
She's a married woman.

MERYLL A married woman! Tush, old lady-- she's promised to
Jack Point, the Lieutenant's new jester.

DAME Tush in thy teeth, old man! As my niece Kate sat by
her bedside to-day, this Elsie slept, and as she slept
she moaned and groaned, and turned this way and that
way-- and, "How shall I marry one I have never seen?"
quoth she-- then, "An hundred crowns!" quoth she--
then,"Is it certain he will die in an hour?" quoth
she-- then, "I love him not, and yet I am his wife,"
quoth she! Is it not so, Kate?

KATE Aye, aunt, 'tis even so.

FAIRFAX Art thou sure of all this?

KATE Aye, sir, for I wrote it all down on my tablets.

DAME Now, mark my words: it was of this Fairfax she spake,
and he is her husband, or I'll swallow my kirtle!

MERYLL [aside] Is it true, sir?

FAIRFAX [aside to MERYLL] True? Why, the girl was raving!
[Aloud] Why should she marry a man who had but an hour
to live?

DAME Marry? There be those who would marry but for a
minute, rather than die old maids.

MERYLL [aside] Aye, I know one of them!

No. 17. Strange adventure!
(QUARTET)
Kate, Dame, Carruthers, Fairfax and Sergeant Meryll

ALL Strange adventure! Maiden wedded
To a groom she's never seen--
Never, never, never seen!
Groom about to be beheaded,
In an hour on Tower Green!
Tower, Tower, Tower Green!
Groom in dreary dungeon lying,
Groom as good as dead, or dying,
For a pretty maiden sighing--
Pretty maid of seventeen!
Seven-- seven-- seventeen!

Strange adventure that we're trolling:
Modest maid and gallant groom--
Gallant, gallant, gallant groom!--
While the funeral bell is tolling,
Tolling, tolling, Bim-a-boom!
Bim-a, Bim-a, Bim-a-boom!
Modest maiden will not tarry;
Though but sixteen year she carry,
She must marry, she must marry,
Though the altar be a tomb--
Tower-- Tower-- Tower tomb!
Tower tomb! Tower tomb!
Though the altar be a tomb!
Tower, Tower, Tower tomb!

[Exeunt DAME CARRUTHERS, MERYLL, and KATE.

FAIRFAX So my mysterious bride is no other than this winsome
Elsie! By my hand, 'tis no such ill plunge in
Fortune's lucky bag! I might have fared worse with my
eyes open! But she comes. Now to test her principles.
'Tis not every husband who has a chance of wooing his
own wife!

[Enter ELSIE

FAIRFAX Mistress Elsie!

ELSIE Master Leonard!

FAIRFAX So thou leavest us to-night?

ELSIE Yes. Master Leonard. I have been kindly tended, and I
almost fear I am loth to go.

FAIRFAX And this Fairfax. Wast thou glad when he escaped?

ELSIE Why, truly, Master Leonard, it is a sad thing that a
young and gallant gentleman should die in the very
fullness of his life.

FAIRFAX Then when thou didst faint in my arms, it was for joy
at his safety?

ELSIE It may be so. I was highly wrought, Master Leonard,
and I am but a girl, and so, when I an highly wrought,
I faint.

FAIRFAX Now, dost thou know, I am consumed with a parlous
jealousy?

ELSIE Thou? And of whom?

FAIRFAX Why, of this Fairfax, surely!

ELSIE Of Colonel Fairfax?

FAIRFAX Aye. Shall I be frank with thee? Elsie-- I love thee,
ardently, passionately! [ELSIE alarmed and surprised]
Elsie, I have loved thee these two days-- which is a
long time-- and I would fain join my life to thine!

ELSIE Master Leonard! Thou art jesting!

FAIRFAX Jesting? May I shrivel into raisins if I jest! I love
thee with a love that is a fever-- with a love that is
a frenzy-- with a love that eateth up my heart! What
sayest thou? Thou wilt not let my heart be eaten up?

ELSIE [aside] Oh, mercy! What am I to say?

FAIRFAX Dost thou love me, or hast thou been insensible these
two days?

ELSIE I love all brave men.

FAIRFAX Nay, there is love in excess. I thank heaven there are
many brave men in England; but if thou lovest them
all, I withdraw my thanks.

ELSIE I love the bravest best. But, sir, I may not listen--
I am not free-- I-- I am a wife!

FAIRFAX Thou a wife? Whose? His name? His hours are
numbered--nay, his grave is dug and his epitaph set up!
Come, his name?

ELSIE Oh, sir! keep my secret-- it is the only barrier that
Fate could set up between us. My husband is none other
than Colonel Fairfax!

FAIRFAX The greatest villain unhung! The most ill-favoured,
ill-mannered, ill-natured, ill-omened, ill-tempered
dog in Christendom!

ELSIE It is very like. He is naught to me-- for I never saw
him. I was blindfolded, and he was to have died within
the hour; and he did not die-- and I am wedded to him,
and my heart is broken!

FAIRFAX He was to have died, and he did not die? The
scoundrel! The perjured, traitorous villain! Thou
shouldst have insisted on his dying first, to make
sure. 'Tis the only way with these Fairfaxes.

ELSIE I now wish I had!

FAIRFAX [aside] Bloodthirsty little maiden!
[Aloud] A fig for this Fairfax! Be mine-- he will never
know-- he dares not show himself; and if he dare, what
art thou to him? Fly with me, Elsie-- we will be
married tomorrow, and thou shalt be the happiest wife
in England!

ELSIE Master Leonard! I am amazed! Is it thus that brave
soldiers speak to poor girls? Oh! for shame, for
shame! I am wed-- not the less because I love not my
husband. I am a wife, sir, and I have a duty, and-- oh,
sir!-- thy words terrify me-- they are not honest-- they
are wicked words, and unworthy thy great and brave
heart! Oh,shame upon thee! shame upon thee!

FAIRFAX Nay, Elsie, I did but jest. I spake but to try thee--

[Shot heard

[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL hastily

No. 18. Hark! What was that, sir?
(SCENE)
Elsie, Phoebe, Dame Carruthers, Fairfax. Wilfred, Point,
Lieutenant, Sergeant

MERYLL Hark! What was that, sir?

FAIRFAX Why, an arquebus--
Fired from the wharf, unless I much mistake.

MERYLL Strange-- and at such an hour! What can it mean!

[Enter CHORUS excitedly

CHORUS Now what can that have been--
A shot so late at night,
Enough to cause a fright!
What can the portent mean?

Are foemen in the land?
Is London to be wrecked?
What are we to expect?
What danger is at hand?
Let us understand
What danger is at hand!

[LIEUTENANT enters, also POINT and WILFRED

LIEUT. Who fired that shot? At once the truth declare?

WILFRED My lord, 'twas I-- to rashly judge forebear!

POINT My lord, 'twas he-- to rashly judge forebear!

WILFRED Like a ghost his vigil keeping--

POINT Or a spectre all-appalling--

WILFRED I beheld a figure creeping--

POINT I should rather call it crawling--

WILFRED He was creeping--

POINT He was crawling--

WILFRED He was creeping, creeping--

POINT Crawling!

WILFRED He was creeping--

POINT He was crawling--

WILFRED He was creeping, creeping--

POINT Crawling!

WILFRED Not a moment's hesitation--
I myself upon him flung,
With a hurried exclamation
To his draperies I hung;
Then we closed with one another
In a rough-and-tumble smother;
Col'nel Fairfax and no other
Was the man to whom I clung!

ALL Col'nel Fairfax and no other,
Was the man to whom he clung!

WILFRED After mighty tug and tussle--

POINT It resembled more a struggle--

WILFRED He, by dint of stronger muscle--

POINT Or by some infernal juggle--