The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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WILFRED From my clutches quickly sliding--

POINT I should rather call it slipping--

WILFRED With a view, no doubt, of hiding--

POINT Or escaping to the shipping--

WILFRED With a gasp, and with a quiver--

POINT I'd describe it as a shiver--

WILFRED Down he dived into the river,
And, alas, I cannot swim.

ALL It's enough to make one shiver,
With a gasp, and with a quiver,
Down he dived into the river;
It was very brave of him!

WILFRED Ingenuity is catching;
With the view my King of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry snatching--

POINT I should rather call it seizing--

WILFRED With an ounce or two of lead
I dispatched him through the head!

ALL With an ounce or two of lead
He dispatched him through the head!

WILFRED I discharged it without winking,
Little time I lost in thinking,
Like a stone I saw him sinking--

POINT I should say a lump of lead.

ALL He discharged it without winking,
Little time he lost in thinking.

WILFRED Like a stone I saw him sinking--

POINT I should say a lump of lead.

WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said--

POINT Like a heavy lump of lead.

WILFRED Like a stone, my boy, I said--

POINT Like a heavy lump of lead.

WILFRED Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!

ALL Anyhow, the man is dead,
Whether stone or lump of lead!
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his King of pleasing,
Arquebus from sentry seizing,
With the view his King of pleasing,
Wilfred shot him through the head,
And he's very, very dead!

And it matters very little
Whether stone or lump of lead,
It is very, very certain that
he's very, very dead!

LIEUT. The river must be dragged-- no time be lost;
The body must be found, at any cost.
To this attend without undue delay;
So set to work with what dispatch ye may!

[Exit LIEUTENANT

ALL Yes, yes,
We'll set to work with what dispatch we may!

[Men raise WILFRED, and carry him off on their shoulders.

ALL Hail the valiant fellow who
Did this deed of derring-do!
Honours wait on such an one;
By my head, 'twas bravely done,
'twas bravely done!
Now, by my head, 'twas bravely done!

[Exeunt all but ELSIE, POINT, FAIRFAX, and PHOEBE.

POINT [to ELSIE, who is weeping] Nay, sweetheart, be
comforted. This Fairfax was but a pestilent fellow,
and, as he had to die, he might as well die thus as
any other way. 'Twas a good death.

ELSIE Still, he was my husband, and had he not been, he was
nevertheless a living man, and now he is dead; and so,
by your leave, my tears may flow unchidden, Master
Point.

FAIRFAX And thou didst see all this?

POINT Aye, with both eyes at once-- this and that. The
testimony of one eye is naught-- he may lie. But when
it is corroborated by the other, it is good evidence
that none may gainsay. Here are both present in court,
ready to swear to him!

PHOEBE But art thou sure it was Colonel Fairfax? Saw you his
face?

POINT Aye, and a plaguey ill-favoured face too. A very hang-
dog face-- a felon face-- a face to fright the headsman
himself, and make him strike awry. Oh, a plaguey, bad
face, take my word for it. [PHOEBE and FAIRFAX laugh]
How they laugh! "Tis ever thus with simple folk-- an
accepted wit has but to say "Pass the mustard," and
they roar their ribs out!

FAIRFAX [aside] If ever I come to life again, thou shalt pay
for this, Master Point!

POINT Now, Elsie, thou art free to choose again, so behold
me: I am young and well-favoured. I have a pretty wit.
I can jest you, jibe you, quip you, crank you, wrack
you, riddle you--

FAIRFAX Tush, man, thou knowest not how to woo. 'Tis not to be
done with time-worn jests and thread-bare sophistries;
with quips, conundrums, rhymes, and paradoxes. 'Tis an
art in itself, and must be studied gravely and
conscientiously.

No. 19. A man who would woo a fair maid
(TRIO)
Elsie, Phoebe, and Fairfax

FAIRFAX A man who would woo a fair maid,
Should 'prentice himself to the trade;
And study all day,
In methodical way,
How to flatter, cajole, and persuade.

He should 'prentice himself at fourteen,
And practise from morning to e'en;
And when he's of age,
If he will, I'll engage,
He may capture the heart of a queen,
the heart of a queen!

ALL It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will.
But every Jack
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

ELSIE If he's made the best use of his time,
His twig he'll so carefully lime
That every bird
Will come down at his word,
Whatever its plumage and clime.

He must learn that the thrill of a touch
May mean little, or nothing, or much;
It's an instrument rare,
To be handled with care,
And ought to be treated as such,
Ought to be treated as such.

ALL It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will:
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

PHOEBE Then a glance may be timid or free;
It will vary in mighty degree,
From an impudent stare
To a look of despair
That no maid without pity can see!
And a glance of despair is no guide--
It may have its ridiculous side;
It may draw you a tear
Or a box on the ear;
You can never be sure till you've tried!
Never be sure till you've tried!

ALL It is purely a matter of skill,
Which all may attain if they will:
But every Jack,
He must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill,
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
But every Jack,
He must study the knack,
But every Jack,
Must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!
Yes, every Jack,
Must study the knack
If he wants to make sure of his Jill!

FAIRFAX [aside to POINT] Now, listen to me-- 'tis done thus--
[aloud] Mistress Elsie, there is one here who, as thou
knowest, loves thee right well!

POINT [aside] That he does-- right well!

FAIRFAX He is but a man of poor estate, but he hath a loving,
honest heart. He will be a true and trusty husband to
thee, and if thou wilt be his wife, thou shalt lie
curled up in his heart, like a little squirrel in its
nest!

POINT [aside] 'Tis a pretty figure. A maggot in a nut lies
closer, but a squirrel will do.

FAIRFAX He knoweth that thou wast a wife-- an unloved and
unloving wife, and his poor heart was near to
breaking. But now that thine unloving husband is dead,
and thou art free, he would fain pray that thou
wouldst hearken unto him, and give him hope that thou
wouldst one day be his!

PHOEBE [alarmed] He presses her hands-- and whispers in her
ear! Ods bodikins, what does it mean?

FAIRFAX Now, sweetheart, tell me-- wilt thou be this poor
goodfellow's wife?

ELSIE If the good, brave man-- is he a brave man?

FAIRFAX So men say.

POINT [aside] That's not true, but let it pass.

ELSIE If the brave man will be content with a poor,
penniless, untaught maid--

POINT [aside] Widow-- but let that pass.

ELSIE I will be his true and loving wife, and that with my
heart of hearts!

FAIRFAX My own dear love! [Embracing her]

PHOEBE [in great agitation] Why, what's all this? Brother--
brother-- it is not seemly!

POINT [also alarmed, aside] Oh, I can't let that pass!
[Aloud] Hold, enough, Master Leonard! An advocate
should have his fee, but methinks thou art over-paying
thyself!

FAIRFAX Nay, that is for Elsie to say. I promised thee I would
show thee how to woo, and herein lies the proof of the
virtue of my teaching. Go thou, and apply it
elsewhere! [PHOEBE bursts into tears]

No. 20. When a wooer goes a-wooing
(QUARTET)
Elsie, Phoebe, Fairfax, and Point

ELSIE When a wooer Goes a-wooing,
Naught is truer Than his joy.

FAIRFAX Maiden hushing All his suing--
Boldly blushing, bravely coy!
Bravely coy! Boldly blushing--

ELSIE Boldly blushing, bravely coy!

ALL Oh, the happy days of doing!
Oh, the sighing and the suing!
When a wooer goes a-wooing,
Oh the sweets that never cloy!

PHOEBE [weeping] When a brother leaves his sister
For another, sister weeps,
Tears that trickle,
Tears that blister--
'Tis but mickle Sister reaps!

ALL Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a brother goes a-wooing,
And a sobbing sister weeps!

POINT When a jester Is outwitted,
Feelings fester, Heart is lead!
Food for fishes Only fitted,
Jester wishes He was dead!
Food for fishes Only fitted,
Jester wishes He was dead!

ALL Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead!

Oh, the doing and undoing,
Oh, the sighing and the suing,
When a jester goes a-wooing,
And he wishes he was dead,
And he wishes he was dead!

[Exeunt all but PHOEBE, who remains weeping.

PHOEBE And I helped that man to escape, and I've kept his
secret, and pretended that I was his dearly loving
sister, and done everything I could think of to make
folk believe I was his loving sister, and this is his
gratitude! Before I pretend to be sister to anybody
again, I'll turn nun, and be sister to everybody-- one
as much as another!

[Enter WILFRED

WILFRED In tears, eh? What a plague art thou grizzling for
now?

PHOEBE Why am I grizzling? Thou hast often wept for jealousy--
well, 'tis for jealousy I weep now. Aye, yellow,
bilious, jaundiced jealousy. So make the most of that,
Master Wilfred.

WILFRED But I have never given thee cause for jealousy. The
Lieutenant's cook-maid and I are but the merest
gossips!

PHOEBE Jealous of thee! Bah! I'm jealous of no craven cock-
on-a-hill, who crows about what he'd do an he dared!
I am jealous of another and a better man than thou--
set that down, Master Wilfred. And he is to marry
Elsie Maynard, the pale little fool-- set that down
Master Wilfred-- and my heart is wellnigh broken!
There, thou hast it all! Make the most of it!

WILFRED The man thou lovest is to marry Elsie Maynard? Why,
that is no other than thy brother, Leonard Meryll!

PHOEBE [aside] Oh, mercy! what have I said?

WILFRED Why, what matter of brother is this, thou lying little
jade? Speak! Who is this man whom thou hast called
brother, and fondled, and coddled, and kissed!-- with
my connivance, too! Oh Lord! with my connivance! Ha!
should it be this Fairfax! [PHOEBE starts] It is! It
is this accursed Fairfax! It's Fairfax! Fairfax, who--

PHOEBE Whom thou hast just shot through the head, and who
lies at the bottom of the river!

WILFRED A-- I-- I may have been mistaken. We are but fallible
mortals, the best of us. But I'll make sure-- I'll make
sure. [Going]

PHOEBE Stay-- one word. I think it cannot be Fairfax-- mind, I
say I think-- because thou hast just slain Fairfax. But
whether he be Fairfax or no Fairfax, he is to marry
Elsie-- and-- and-- as thou hast shot him through the
head, and he is dead, be content with that, and I will
be thy wife!

WILFRED Is that sure?

PHOEBE Aye, sure enough, for there's no help for it! Thou art
a very brute-- but even brutes must marry, I suppose.

WILFRED My beloved. [Embraces her]

PHOEBE [aside] Ugh!

[Enter LEONARD MERYLL, hastily

LEONARD Phoebe, rejoice, for I bring glad tidings. Colonel
Fairfax's reprieve was signed two days since, but it
was foully and maliciously kept back by Secretary
Poltwhistle, who designed that it should arrive after
the Colonel's death. It hath just come to hand, and it
is now in the Lieutenant's possession!

PHOEBE Then the Colonel is free? Oh, kiss me, kiss me, my
dear! Kiss me, again, and again!

WILFRED [dancing with fury] Ods bobs, death o' my life! Art
thou mad? Am I mad? Are we all mad?

PHOEBE Oh, my dear-- my dear, I'm well nigh crazed with joy!
[Kissing LEONARD]

WILFRED Come away from him, thou hussy-- thou jade-- thou
kissing, clinging cockatrice! And as for thee, sir,
devil take thee, I'll rip thee like a herring for
this! I'll skin thee for it! I'll cleave thee to the
chine! I'll-- oh! Phoebe! Phoebe! Who is this man?

PHOEBE Peace, fool. He is my brother!

WILFRED Another brother! Are there any more of them? Produce
them all at once, and let me know the worst!

PHOEBE This is the real Leonard, dolt; the other was but his
substitute. The real Leonard, I say-- my father's own
son.

WILFRED How do I know this? Has he "brother" writ large on his
brow? I mistrust thy brothers! Thou art but a false
jade!

[Exit LEONARD.

PHOEBE Now, Wilfred, be just. Truly I did deceive thee
before-- but it was to save a precious life-- and to
save it, not for me, but for another. They are to be
wed this very day. Is not this enough for thee? Come--
I am thy Phoebe-- thy very own-- and we will be wed in
a year-- or two-- or three, at the most. Is not that
enough for thee?

[Enter SERGEANT MERYLL, excitedly, followed by DAME
CARRUTHERS, who listens, unobserved.

MERYLL Phoebe, hast thou heard the brave news?

PHOEBE [still in WILFRED's arms] Aye, father.

MERYLL I'm nigh mad with joy! [Seeing WILFRED] Why, what's
all this?

PHOEBE Oh, father, he discovered our secret thorough my
folly, and the price of his silence is--

WILFRED Phoebe's heart.

PHOEBE Oh, dear, no-- Phoebe's hand.

WILFRED It's the same thing!

PHOEBE Is it?

[Exeunt WILFRED and PHOEBE.

MERYLL [looking after them] "Tis pity, but the Colonel had to
be saved at any cost, and as thy folly revealed our
secret, thy folly must e'en suffer for it!

[DAME CARRUTHERS comes down] Dame Carruthers!

DAME So this is a plot to shield this arch-fiend, and I
have detected it. A word from me, and three heads
besides his would roll from their shoulders!

MERYLL Nay, Colonel Fairfax is reprieved.
[Aside] Yet, if my complicity in his escape were
known! Plague on the old meddler! There's nothing for
it--
[aloud]-- Hush, pretty one! Such bloodthirsty words ill
become those cherry lips!
[Aside] Ugh!

DAME [bashfully] Sergeant Meryll!

MERYLL Why, look ye, chuck-- for many a month I've-- I've
thought to myself-- "There's snug love saving up in
that middle-aged bosom for some one, and why not for
thee-- that's me-- so take heart and tell her-- that's
thee-- that thou-- that's me-- lovest her-- thee-- and--
and-- well,I'm a miserable old man, and I've done it--
and that's me!" But not a word about Fairfax! The
price of thy silence is--

DAME Meryll's heart?

MERYLL No, Meryll's hand.

DAME It's the same thing!

MERYLL Is it?

No. 21. Rapture, rapture
(DUET)
Dame Carruthers and Sergeant Meryll

DAME Rapture, rapture
When love's votary,
Flushed with capture,
Seeks the notary,
Joy and jollity
Then is polity;
Reigns frivolity!
Rapture, rapture!
Joy and jollity
Then is polity;
Reigns frivolity!
Rapture, rapture!

MERYLL Doleful, doleful!
When humanity
With its soul full
Of satanity,
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivity!
Doleful, doleful!
Courting privity,
Down declivity
Seeks captivity!
Doleful, doleful!

DAME Joyful, joyful!
When virginity
Seeks, all coyful,
Man's affinity;
Fate all flowery,
Bright and bowery,
Is her dowery!
Joyful, joyful!
Fate all flowery,
Bright and bowery,
Is her dowery!
Joyful, joyful!

MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly!
When man, sorrowful,
Firstly, lastly,
Of to-morrow full,
After tarrying,
Yields to harrying--
Goes a-marrying.
Ghastly, ghastly!

DAME Joyful, joyful!

MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly!

DAME Joyful, joyful!

MERYLL Ghastly, ghastly!

DAME MERYLL

Joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly!
Joyful, joyful, joyful! Ghastly, ghastly,ghastly!

Rapture, rapture Doleful, doleful!
When love's votary, When humanity
Flushed with capture, With its soul full
Seeks the notary, Of satanity,
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Rapture, rapture, Doleful, doleful,
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!
Joy and jollity Courting privity,
Then is polity; Down declivity
Reigns frivolity! Seeks captivity!
Rapture, rapture! Doleful, doleful!

[Exeunt DAME and SERGEANT MERYLL.

No. 22. Comes the pretty young bride
(FINALE OF ACT II)
Ensemble

[Enter YEOMEN and WOMEN

WOMEN Comes the pretty young bride,
a-blushing, timidly shrinking--
Set all thy fears aside--
cheerily, pretty young bride!
Brave is the youth to whom thy lot
thou art willingly linking!
Flower of valour he--
loving as loving can be!
Brightly thy summer is shining,
Brightly thy summer is shining,
Fair as the dawn, as the dawn of the day;
Take him, be true to him--
Tender his due to him--
Honour him, honour him, love and obey!

[Enter DAME, PHOEBE, and ELSIE as Bride

PHOEBE, ELSIE
& DAME 'Tis said that joy in full perfection
Comes only once to womankind--
That, other times, on close inspection,
Some lurking bitter we shall find.
If this be so, and men say truly,
My day of joy has broken duly
With happiness my/her soul is cloyed--
With happiness is cloyed--
With happiness my/her soul is cloyed--
This is my/her joy-day
unalloyed, unalloyed,
This is my/her joy-day unalloyed!

ALL Yes, yes, with happiness her soul is cloyed!
This is her joy-day unalloyed!

[Flourish. Enter LIEUTENANT

LIEUT. Hold, pretty one! I bring to thee
News-- good or ill, it is for thee to say.
Thy husband lives-- and he is free,
And comes to claim his bride this very day!

ELSIE No! No! recall those words-- it cannot be!

[all four blocks below sung at once]

KATE and CHORUS DAME CARRUTHERS and PHOEBE

Oh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror!
Oh, day of terror! Oh, day of terror!
Day of terror! The man to whom thou art
Day of tears! allied
Day of terror! Appears to claim thee
Day of tears! as his bride.

Who is the man who, The man to whom thou art
In his pride, allied
Claims thee as his bride? And claim me as his bride.
Day of terror! Day of terror!
Day of tears! Day of tears!

LIEUT., MERYLL, and WILFRED ELSIE

Come, dry these unbecoming tears,
Most joyful tidings greet
thine ears,
Come, dry these unbecoming tears, Oh, Leonard,
Most joyful tidings greet Oh,Leonard,
thine ears, Come thou to my side,

The man to whom thou art allied And claim me as
Appears to claim thee thy loving bride!
as his bride. Day of terror!
The man to whom thou art allied Day of tears!
Appears to claim thee
as his bride.

[Flourish. Enter COLONEL FAIRFAX, handsomely dressed,and
attended by other Gentlemen

FAIRFAX [sternly] All thought of Leonard
Meryll set aside.
Thou art mine own! I claim thee as my bride.