The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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MAIDENS Such a judge of blue-and-white and other kinds of
pottery--
From early Oriental down to modern terra cottary--
Put in half a guinea -- you may draw him in a lottery--
Such an opportunity may not occur again.

[MAIDENS crowd up to purchase tickets. DRAGOONS dance in single
file round stage, to express their indifference.]

DRAGOONS We've been thrown over, we're aware
But we don't care -- but we don't care!
There's fish in the sea, no doubt of it,
As good as ever came out of it,
And some day we shall get our share,
So we don't care -- so we don't care!

[During this the GIRLS have been buying tickets, the Solicitor
officiating. At last JANE presents herself. BUNTHORNE
looks at her with aversion.]

BUNTHORNE And are you going a ticket for to buy?

JANE [surprised] Most certainly I am; why shouldn't I?

BUNTHORNE [aside] Oh, Fortune, this is hard! [aloud]
Blindfold your eyes;
Two minutes will decide who wins the prize!
[GIRLS blindfold themselves.]

Chorus of MAIDENS

Oh, Fortune, to my aching heart be kind;
Like us, thou art blindfolded, but not blind!
Just raise your bandage, thus, [Each uncovers one eye.] that you
may see,
And give the prize, and give the prize to me! [They cover their
eyes again.]

BUNTHORNE Come, Lady Jane, I pray you draw the first!

JANE [joyfully] He loves me best!

BUNTHORNE [aside] I want to know the worst!

[JANE puts her hand in bag to draw ticket. PATIENCE enters and
prevents her.]

PATIENCE Hold! Stay your hand!

ALL [uncovering their eyes]
What means this interference?
Of this bold girl I pray you make a clearance!

JANE Away with you, away with you, and to your milk-pails go!

BUNTHORNE [suddenly] She wants a ticket! Take a dozen!

PATIENCE No! If there be pardon in your breast
For this poor penitent,
Who with remorseful thought opprest,
Sincerely doth repent;
If you, with one so lowly, still
Desire to be allied,
Then you may take me, if you will,
For I will be your bride!
[She kneels to Bunthorne.]

CHORUS Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run--
Go, take your wing,
Oh, shameless one!
Oh, bold-faced thing!
Away you run--
Go, take your wing,
You shameless one!
You bold-faced thing!
[Bunthorne raises her.]

BUNTHORNE How strong is love! For many and many a week,
She's loved me fondly, and has feared to speak
But Nature, for restraint too mighty far,
Has burst the bonds of Art -- and here we are!

PATIENCE No, Mister Bunthorne, no -- you're wrong again;
Permit me -- I'll endeavour to explain!

True love must single-hearted be--

BUNTHORNE Exactly so!

PATIENCE From ev'ry selfish fancy free--

BUNTHORNE Exactly so!

PATIENCE No idle thought of gain or joy
A maiden's fancy should employ--
True love must be without alloy,
True love must be without alloy.

MEN Exactly so!

PATIENCE Imposture to contempt must lead--

COLONEL Exactly so!

PATIENCE Blind vanity's dissension's seed--

MAJOR Exactly so!

PATIENCE It follows, then, a maiden who
Devotes herself to loving you
Is prompted by no selfish view,
Is prompted by no selfish view!

MEN Exactly so!

SAPHIR [coming L. of BUNTHORNE]
Are you resolved to wed this shameless one?

ANGELA [coming R. of BUNTHORNE]
Is there no chance for any other?

BUNTHORNE [decisively] None! [Embraces PATIENCE]

[Exit PATIENCE and BUNTHORNE, L. ANGELA, SAPHIR, and ELLA take
COLONEL, DUKE, and MAJOR down, while GIRLS gaze fondly at
other Officers.]

SEXTET
(ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, DUKE, MAJOR, COLONEL)

I hear the soft note of the echoing voice
Of an old, old love, long dead--
It whispers my sorrowing heart "rejoice"--
For the last sad tear is shed--
The pain that is all but a pleasure will change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, this heart will range
From that old, old love again!
[GIRLS embrace OFFICERS]

CHORUS Yes, the pain that is all but a pleasure will change
For the pleasure that's all but pain,
And never, oh never, our hearts will range
From that old, old love again!

DUKE CHORUS

Oh, never, oh never Oh, never, oh never
our hearts will range our hearts, our hearts
will range
From that old, old love again!

SEXTET CHORUS

Oh, never, oh never, Oh, never, oh never our hearts,
our hearts will range Oh, never, our hearts will range
From that old, old From that old, old love
love again! again!

[The GIRLS embrace the Officers. Re-enter PATIENCE and
BUNTHORNE. L.]

[As the DRAGOONS and GIRLS are embracing, enter GROSVENOR,
R.U.E., reading. He takes no notice of them, but comes
slowly down, still reading. The GIRLS are all strangely
fascinated by him. The Chorus divides, L. & R., and the
GIRLS are held back by the DRAGOONS, as they attempt to
throw themselves at GROSVENOR. Fury of BUNTHORNE, who
recognizes a rival.]

ANGELA [R.C.] But who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he comes of noble race?
And who is this, whose manly face
Bears sorrow's interesting trace?

CHORUS Yes, who is this, whose god-like grace
Proclaims he comes of noble race?

GROSVENOR [C.] I am a broken-hearted troubadour,
Whose mind's aesthetic and whose tastes are pure!

ANGELA Aesthetic! He is aesthetic!

GROSVENOR Yes, yes -- I am aesthetic
And poetic!

MAIDENS Then, we love you!

[They break away from the DRAGOONS, and kneel to GROSVENOR.]

DRAGOONS They love him! Horror!

BUNTHORNE and
PATIENCE They love him! Horror!

GROSVENOR They love me! Horror! Horror! Horror!

ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]

PATIENCE DUKE

List, Reginald, while I confess My jealousy I can't
express,
A love that's all unselfishness, Their love they openly
confess;
That it's unselfish, goodness knows, His shell-like ears he
does not close
You won't dispute it, I suppose! To their recital of
their woes.

ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE CHORUS

Oh, list while we a love confess Oh, list while we/they a
love confess
That words imperfectly express.
Those shell-like ears, ah, do not close That words imperfectly
express.
To blighted love's distracting woes!

ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]

MAJOR, COLONEL & BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR

My jealousy I can't express, Again my cursed comeliness
Their love they openly confess! Spreads hopeless
anguish and
distress,
Their love they openly confess, Spreads hopeless anguish
and
confess! distress, distress!

MAIDENS DRAGOONS

Yes, those shell-like ears, ah, do Yes, his shell-like ears
not close he does not close
To blighted love's distracting To their recital of their
woes!
woes!
To blighted love's distracting woes, To their recital of their
woes,
their woes! their woes!

ENSEMBLE
[all parts sung at the same time]

PATIENCE DUKE

Ah! Ah!

And I shall love you, I shall love. His shell-like ears he
does not close
Your ears, ah, do not close! To love's distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced
absurdity,
explain it if you
can!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting woes! A thorough-paced
absurdity,
explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!

ELLA, SAPHIR, ANGELA, JANE MAIDENS

Oh, list while we our love confess Oh, list while we a love
confess
That words imperfectly express. That words imperfectly
express.
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's
distracting
woes!
Thy shell-like ears, ah, do not close Those shell-like ears, ah,
do not
close
To blighted love's distracting woes! To blighted love's
distracting
woes!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! To love's, to love's
distracting
love's woes woes! love's woes!

BUNTHORNE MAJOR and COLONEL

My jealousy I can't express, My jealousy I can't
express,
Their love they openly confess. Their love they
openly confess.
His shell-like ears he does not close His shell-like ears he
does not close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
His shell-like ears he does not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!

GROSVENOR MALE CHORUS

Again my cursed comeliness Oh, list while they a love
confess
Spreads hopeless anguish and That words
imperfectly express.
distress;
Thine ears, oh, Fortune, do not close His shell-like ears He
does not close
To love's distracting woes! To love's distracting
woes!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
My shell-like ears I can not close Now is not this
ridiculous,
and is not this
preposterous?
To blighted love's distracting A thorough-paced
absurdity,
woes! explain it if you
can!
To love's, to love's distracting woes! Explain, explain it if you
can!
love's woes! you can!

[GROSVENOR makes a wild effort to escape up-stage; the GIRLS drag
him back and kneel as the curtain falls.]

END OF ACT I
ACT II

[SCENE -- A wooded glade, with a view of open country in the
background. The chorus of MAIDENS is heard singing in the
distance. JANE is discovered leaning on a violoncello,
which she has propped up on a tree-stump, L., and upon which
she will presently accompany herself. As the Chorus ends,
she speaks.]

No. 10. On such eyes as maidens cherish
(Opening Chorus)

Maidens

On such eyes as maidens cherish
Lest thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!

JANE The fickle crew have deserted Reginald and sworn allegiance
to his rival, and all, forsooth, because he has glanced with
passing favour on a puling milkmaid! Fools! Of that fancy he
will soon weary -- and then, I, who alone am faithful to him,
shall reap my reward. But do not dally too long, Reginald, for
my charms are ripe, Reginald, and already they are decaying.
Better secure me ere I have gone too far!

No. 11. Sad is that woman's lot
(Recitative and Solo)
Jane

JANE Sad is that woman's lot who, year by year,
Sees, one by one, her beauties disappear,
When Time, grown weary of her heart-drawn sighs,
Impatiently begins to dim her eyes!
Compelled, at last, in life's uncertain gloamings,
To wreathe her wrinkled brow with well-saved
"combings,"
Reduced, with rouge, lip-shade, and pearly grey,
To "make up" for lost time as best she may!

Silvered is the raven hair,
Spreading is the parting straight,
Mottled the complexion fair,
Halting is the youthful gait,
Hollow is the laughter free,
Spectacled the limpid eye,
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!
Little will be left of me
In the coming bye and bye!

Fading is the taper waist,
Shapeless grows the shapely limb,
And although severely laced,
Spreading is the figure trim!

Stouter than I used to be,
Still more corpulent grow I--
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!
There will be too much of me
In the coming by and bye!

[Exit, L., carrying her violoncello.]

[Enter GROSVENOR, R., followed by MAIDENS, two and two, playing
on archaic instruments as in Act I. He is reading
abstractedly, as BUNTHORNE did in Act I, and pays no
attention to them.]

No. 12. Turn, oh, turn in this direction
(Chorus)
Maidens

Turn, oh, turn in this direction,
Shed, oh, shed a gentle smile,
With a glance of sad perfection,
Our poor fainting hearts beguile!

On such eyes as maidens cherish
Let thy fond adorers gaze,
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!
Or incontinently perish,
In their all-consuming rays!

[GROSVENOR sits, R.; they group themselves around him in a
formation similar to that which opens Act I.]

GROS. [aside, not looking up] The old, old tale. How
rapturously these maidens love me, and how hopelessly! [He looks
up.] Oh, Patience, Patience, with the love of thee in my heart,
what have I for these poor mad maidens but an unvalued pity?
Alas, they will die of hopeless love for me, as I shall die of
hopeless love for thee!

ANGELA Sir, will it please you read to us?

GROS. [sighing] Yes, child, if you will. What shall I read?

ANGELA One of your own poems.

GROS. One of my own poems? Better not, my child. They will not
cure thee of thy love. [All sigh.]

ELLA Mr. Bunthorne used to read us a poem of his own every day.

SAPHIR And, to do him justice, he read them extremely well.

GROS. Oh, did he so? Well, who am I that I should take upon
myself to withhold my gifts from you? What am I but a trustee?
Here is a decalet -- a pure and simple thing, a very daisy -- a
babe might understand it. To appreciate it, it is not necessary
to think of anything at all.

ANGELA Let us think of nothing at all!

GROS. [reciting]

Gentle Jane was as good as gold,
She always did as she was told;
She never spoke when her mouth was full,
Or caught bluebottles their legs to pull,
Or spilt plum jam on her nice new frock,
Or put white mice in the eight-day clock,
Or vivisected her last new doll,
Or fostered a passion for alcohol.
And when she grew up she was given in marriage
To a first-class earl who keeps his carriage!

GROS. I believe I am right in saying that there is not one word
in that decalet which is calculated to bring the blush of shame
to the cheek of modesty.

ANGELA Not one; it is purity itself.

GROS. Here's another.

Teasing Tom was a very bad boy,
A great big squirt was his favourite toy
He put live shrimps in his father's boots,
And sewed up the sleeves of his Sunday suits;
He punched his poor little sisters' heads,
And cayenne-peppered their four-post beds;
He plastered their hair with cobbler's wax,
And dropped hot halfpennies down their backs.
The consequence was he was lost totally,
And married a girl in the corps de bally!

[The MAIDENS express intense horror.]

ANGELA Marked you how grandly -- how relentlessly -- the damning
catalogue of crime strode on, till Retribution, like a poised
hawk, came swooping down upon the Wrong-Doer? Oh, it was
terrible! [All shudder.]

ELLA Oh, sir, you are indeed a true poet, for you touch our
hearts, and they go out to you!

GROS. [aside] This is simply cloying. [aloud] Ladies, I am
sorry to appear ungallant, but this is Saturday, and you have
been following me about ever since Monday. I should like the
usual half-holiday. I shall take it as a personal favour if you
will kindly allow me to close early to-day.

SAPHIR Oh, sir, do not send us from you!

GROS. Poor, poor girls! It is best to speak plainly. I know
that I am loved by you, but I never can love you in return, for
my heart is fixed elsewhere! Remember the fable of the Magnet
and the Churn.

ANGELA [wildly] But we don't know the fable of the Magnet and
the Churn!

GROS. Don't you? Then I will sing it to you.

No. 13. A magnet hung in a hardware shop
(Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens

GROSVENOR A magnet hung in a hardware shop,
And all around was a loving crop
Of scissors and needles, nails and knives,
Offering love for all their lives;
But for iron the magnet felt no whim,
Though he charmed iron, it charmed not him;
From needles and nails and knives he'd turn,
For he'd set his love on a Silver Churn!

MAIDENS A Silver Churn!

GROSVENOR A Silver Churn!

His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn--
"If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"

MAIDENS His most aesthetic,
Very magnetic
Fancy took this turn--
"If I can wheedle
A knife or a needle,
Why not a Silver Churn?"

GROSVENOR [He rises, going C.]
And Iron and Steel expressed surprise,
The needles opened their well-drilled eyes,
The penknives felt "shut up", no doubt,
The scissors declared themselves "cut out",
The kettles they boiled with rage, 'tis said,
While ev'ry nail went off its head,
And hither and thither began to roam,
Till a hammer came up and drove them home.

MAIDENS It drove them home?

GROSVENOR It drove them home!

While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,
By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!

MAIDENS While this magnetic,
Peripatetic
Lover he lived to learn,

MAIDENS and
GROSVENOR By no endeavour
Can magnet ever
Attract a Silver Churn!

[They go off in low spirits, R.U.E., gazing back at him from time
to time.]

GROS. At last they are gone! What is this mysterious
fascination that I seem to exercise over all I come across? A
curse on my fatal beauty, for I am sick of conquests! [Goes R.]

[Enter PATIENCE, L. Stops L.C. on seeing GROSVENOR.]

GROS. [Turns and sees her.] Patience!

PATIENCE I have escaped with difficulty from my Reginald. I
wanted to see you so much that I might ask you if you still love
me as fondly as ever?

GROS. Love you? If the devotion of a lifetime-- [seizing her
hand.]

PATIENCE [indignantly] Hold! Unhand me, or I scream! [He
releases her.] If you are a gentleman, pray remember that I am
another's! [very tenderly.] But you do love me, don't you?

GROS. Madly, hopelessly, despairingly!

PATIENCE That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!

GROS. And you love this Bunthorne?

PATIENCE With a heart-whole ecstasy that withers, and scorches,
and burns, and stings! [sadly] It is my duty.

GROS. Admirable girl! But you are not happy with him?

PATIENCE Happy? I am miserable beyond description!

GROS. That's right! I never can be yours; but that's right!

PATIENCE But go now. I see dear Reginald approaching.
Farewell, dear Archibald; I cannot tell you how happy it has made
me to know that you still love me.

GROS. Ah, if I only dared-- [advancing towards her]

PATIENCE Sir! this language to one who is promised to another!
[tenderly] Oh, Archibald, think of me sometimes, for my heart is
breaking! He is unkind to me, and you would be so loving!

GROS. Loving! [advancing towards her]

PATIENCE Advance one step, and as I am a good and pure woman, I
scream! [tenderly] Farewell, Archibald! [sternly] Stop there!
[tenderly] Think of me sometimes! [angrily] Advance at your
peril! Once more, adieu!

[GROSVENOR sighs, gazes sorrowfully at her, sighs deeply, and
exits, R. She bursts into tears.]

[Enter BUNTHORNE, followed by JANE. He is moody and
preoccupied.]

In a doleful train
(Solo)
Jane

JANE In a doleful train
One and one I walk all day;
For I love in vain--
None so sorrowful as they
Who can only sigh and say,
Woe is me, alackaday!

BUN. [seeing PATIENCE] Crying, eh? What are you crying about?

PATIENCE I've only been thinking how dearly I love you!

BUN. Love me! Bah!

JANE Love him! Bah!

BUN. [to JANE] Don't you interfere.

JANE He always crushes me!

PATIENCE [going to him] What is the matter, dear Reginald? If
you have any sorrow, tell it to me, that I may share it with you.
[sighing] It is my duty!

BUN. [snappishly] Whom were you talking with just now?

PATIENCE With dear Archibald.

BUN. [furiously] With dear Archibald! Upon my honour, this is
too much!

JANE A great deal too much!

BUN. [angrily to JANE] Do be quiet!

JANE Crushed again!

PATIENCE I think he is the noblest, purest, and most perfect
being I have ever met. But I don't love him. It is true that he
is devotedly attached to me, but I don't love him. Whenever he
grows affectionate, I scream. It is my duty! [sighing]