The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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BUN. I dare say!

JANE So do I! I dare say!

PATIENCE Why, how could I love him and love you too? You can't
love two people at once!

BUN. Oh, can't you, though!

PATIENCE No, you can't; I only wish you could.

BUN. I don't believe you know what love is!

PATIENCE [sighing] Yes, I do. There was a happy time when I
didn't, but a bitter experience has taught me.

[BUNTHORNE, noticing that JANE is not looking at him, goes off
quickly up R. She turns, sees him, and runs after him.]

No. 14. Love is a plaintive song
(Solo)
Patience

PATIENCE Love is a plaintive song,
Sung by a suff'ring maid,
Telling a tale of wrong,
Telling of hope betrayed;
Tuned to each changing note,
Sorry when he is sad,
Blind to his ev'ry mote,
Merry when he is glad!
Merry when he is glad!
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true!
Love that no wrong can cure,
Love that is always new,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love, the love that's true!

Rendering good for ill,
Smiling at ev'ry frown,
Yielding your own self-will,
Laughing your teardrops down;
Never a selfish whim,
Trouble, or pain to stir;
Everything for him,
Nothing at all for her!
Nothing at all for her!
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love that's true!
Love that will aye endure,
Though the rewards be few,
That is the love that's pure,
That is the love, the love that's true!

[At the end of ballad exit PATIENCE, L., weeping. Enter
BUNTHORNE, R., JANE following.]

BUN. Everything has gone wrong with me since that smug-faced
idiot came here. Before that I was admired -- I may say, loved.

JANE Too mild -- adored!

BUN. Do let a poet soliloquize! The damozels used to follow me
wherever I went; now they all follow him!

JANE Not all! I am still faithful to you.

BUN. Yes, and a pretty damozel you are!

JANE No, not pretty. Massive. Cheer up! I will never leave
you, I swear it!

BUN. Oh, thank you! I know what it is; it's his confounded
mildness. They find me too highly spiced, if you please! And no
doubt I am highly spiced.

JANE Not for my taste!

BUN. [savagely] No, but I am for theirs. But I will show the
world I can be as mild as he. If they want insipidity, they
shall have it. I'll meet this fellow on his own ground and beat
him on it.

JANE You shall. And I will help you.

BUN. You will? Jane, there's a good deal of good in you, after
all!

No. 15. So go to him and say to him
(Duet)
Jane and Bunthorne

[Dance]

JANE So go to him and say to him, with compliment ironical--

BUNTHORNE Sing "Hey to you--
Good-day to you"--
And that's what I shall say!

JANE "Your style is much too sanctified -- your cut is too
canonical"--

BUNTHORNE Sing "Bah to you--
Ha! ha! to you"--
And that's what I shall say!

JANE "I was the beau ideal of the morbid young aesthetical--
To doubt my inspiration was regarded as heretical--
Until you cut me out with your placidity emetical."

BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what I shall say!
Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what I shall say!

JANE BUNTHORNE

Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Hey,
Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- Good-day
Sing "Booh to you -- pooh, pooh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! ha! ha!

Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Booh,
Sing "Bah to you --ha! ha! to you"-- pooh-pooh
Sing "Booh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!

BUNTHORNE I'll tell him that unless he will consent to be more
jocular--

JANE Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what you should say!

BUNTHORNE To cut his curly hair, and stick an eyeglass in his
ocular--

JANE Sing "Bah to you--
Ha! ha! to you"--
And that's what you should say!

BUNTHORNE To stuff his conversation full of quibble and of
quiddity,
To dine on chops and roly-poly pudding with
avidity--
He'd better clear away with all convenient
rapidity.

JANE Sing "Hey to you--
Good-day to you"--
And that's what you should say!

BUNTHORNE Sing "Booh to you--
Pooh, pooh to you"--
And that's what I shall say!

JANE BUNTHORNE

Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Hey,
Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- Good-day
Sing "Booh to you -- pooh, pooh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! ha! ha!

Sing "Hey to you -- good-day to you"-- "Booh,
Sing "Bah to you -- ha! ha! to you"-- pooh-pooh
Sing "Booh to you"-- Bah.
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Bah, bah," "Booh, booh,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!
"Booh, booh," "Bah, bah,"
And that's what you should say! And that's what I shall
say!

[They dance off,
L.]

[Enter DUKE, COLONEL, and MAJOR, R. They have abandoned their
uniforms, and are dressed and made up in imitation of
Aesthetics. They have long hair, and other signs of
attachment to the brotherhood. As they sing they walk in
stiff, constrained, and angular attitudes -- a grotesque
exaggeration of the attitudes adopted by BUNTHORNE and the
young LADIES in Act I.]

[Enter DUKE... enter MAJOR... enter COLONEL, Attitude. They walk
to C.]

No. 16. It's clear that mediaeval art
(Trio)
Duke, Major, and Colonel

ALL It's clear that medieval art alone retains its zest,
To charm and please its devotees we've done our little best.
We're not quite sure if all we do has the Early English
ring;
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort
of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude]
You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat
[attitude].
We venture to expect
That what we recollect,
Though but a part of true High Art, will have its due
effect.

If this is not exactly right, we hope you won't upbraid;
You can't get high Aesthetic tastes, like trousers, ready
made.
True views on Medieavalism Time alone will bring,
But, as far as we can judge, it's something like this sort
of thing:
You hold yourself like this, [attitude]
You hold yourself like that, [attitude]
By hook and crook you try to look both angular and flat
[attitude].
To cultivate the trim
Rigidity of limb,
You ought to get a Marionette, and form your style on him
[attitude].

[Attitudes change in time to the music.]

COLONEL [attitude] Yes, it's quite clear that our only chance of
making a lasting impression on these young ladies is to become as
aesthetic as they are.

MAJOR [attitude] No doubt. The only question is how far we've
succeeded in doing so. I don't know why, but I've an idea that
this is not quite right.

DUKE [attitude] I don't like it. I never did. I don't see what
it means. I do it, but I don't like it.

COLONEL My good friend, the question is not whether we like it,
but whether they do. They understand these things -- we don't.
Now I shouldn't be surprised if this is effective enough -- at a
distance.

MAJOR I can't help thinking we're a little stiff at it. It
would be extremely awkward if we were to be "struck" so!

COLONEL I don't think we shall be struck so. Perhaps we're a
little awkward at first -- but everything must have a beginning.
Oh, here they come! 'Tention!

[They strike fresh attitudes, as ANGELA and SAPHIR enter, L.]

ANGELA [seeing them] Oh, Saphir -- see -- see! The immortal
fire has descended on them, and they are of the Inner Brotherhood
-- perceptively intense and consummately utter.

[The OFFICERS have some difficulty in maintaining their
constrained attitudes.]

SAPHIR [in admiration] How Botticelian! How Fra Angelican! Oh,
Art, we thank thee for this boon!

COLONEL [apologetically] I'm afraid we're not quite right.

ANGELA Not supremely, perhaps, but oh, so all -- but!
[to SAPHIR] Oh, Saphir, are they not quite too all -- but?

SAPHIR They are indeed jolly utter!

MAJOR [in agony] I wonder what the Inner Brotherhood usually
recommend for cramp?

COLONEL Ladies, we will not deceive you. We are doing this at
some personal inconvenience with a view of expressing the
extremity of our devotion to you. We trust that it is not
without its effect.

ANGELA We will not deny that we are much moved by this proof of
your attachment.

SAPHIR Yes, your conversion to the principles of Aesthetic Art
in its highest development has touched us deeply.

ANGELA And if Mr. Bunthorne should remain obdurate--

SAPHIR Which we have every reason to believe he will--

MAJOR [aside, in agony] I wish they'd make haste! [The others
hush him.]

ANGELA We are not prepared to say that our yearning hearts will
not go out to you.

COLONEL [as giving a word of command] By sections of threes --
Rapture! [All strike a fresh attitude, expressive of aesthetic
rapture.]

SAPHIR Oh, it's extremely good -- for beginners it's admirable.

MAJOR The only question is, who will take who?

COLONEL Oh, the Duke chooses first, as a matter of course.

DUKE Oh, I couldn't thank of it -- you are really too good!

COLONEL Nothing of the kind. You are a great matrimonial fish,
and it's only fair that each of these ladies should have a chance
of hooking you. It's perfectly simple. Observe, suppose you
choose Angela, I take Saphir, Major takes nobody. [with
increasing speed] Suppose you choose Saphir, Major tales Angela,
I take nobody. Suppose you choose neither, I take Angela, Major
takes Saphir. Clear as day!

[The officers, with obvious relief, abandon their aesthetic
attitudes, and, with the Ladies, dance into position. L. to
R. 1st verse: Colonel with Angela; Duke with Saphir; Major
alone. 2nd verse: Colonel alone; Angela with Duke; Saphir
with Major. 3rd verse: Colonel with Saphir; Duke alone;
Angela with Major.]

No. 17. If Saphir I choose to marry
Quintet
Duke, Colonel, Major, Angela, and Saphir

DUKE If Saphir I choose to marry,
I shall be fixed up for life;
Then the Colonel need not tarry,
Angela can be his wife.

MAJOR In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die--
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die--
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

DUKE If on Angy I determine,
At my wedding she'll appear,
Decked in diamond and ermine.
Major then can take Saphir!

COLONEL In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die--
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die--
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

[Positions at beginning of Verse 3: L. to R., COLONEL, ANGELA,
DUKE, SAPHIR, MAJOR]

DUKE After some debate internal,
If on neither I decide,
Saphir then can take the Colonel,

[Hands her to the COLONEL.]

Angy be the Major's bride!

[Hands her to the MAJOR.]

In that case unprecedented,
Single I shall live and die--
I shall have to be contented
With their heartfelt sympathy!

ALL He will have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
In that case unprecedented,
Single he/I will/shall live and die--
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!
He/I will/shall have to be contented
With our/their heartfelt sympathy!

[They dance off, arm-in-arm, up-stage and off, L.U.E., the
COLONEL leading with SAPHIR.]

[Enter GROSVENOR, R.U.E.]

GROS. It is very pleasant to be alone. It is pleasant to be
able to gaze at leisure upon those features which all others may
gaze upon at their good will! [Looking at his reflection in
hand-mirror.] Ah, I am a very Narcissus!

[Enter BUNTHORNE, L. moodily.]

BUN. It's no use; I can't live without admiration. Since
Grosvenor came here, insipidity has been at a premium. Ah, he is
there!

GROS. Ah, Bunthorne! Come here -- look! Very graceful, isn't
it!

BUN. [taking hand-mirror] Allow me; I haven't seen it. Yes, it
is graceful.

GROS. [taking back the mirror) Oh, good gracious! not that --
this--

BUN. You don't mean that! Bah! I am in no mood for trifling.

GROS. And what is amiss?

BUN. Ever since you came here, you have entirely monopolized the
attentions of the young ladies. I don't like it, sir!

GROS. My dear sir, how can I help it? They are the plague of my
life. My dear Mr. Bunthorne, with your personal disadvantages,
you can have no idea of the inconvenience of being madly loved,
at first sight, by every woman you meet.

BUN. Sir, until you came here I was adored!

GROS. Exactly -- until I came here. That's my grievance. I cut
everybody out! I assure you, if you could only suggest some
means whereby, consistently with my duty to society, I could
escape these inconvenient attentions, you would earn my
everlasting gratitude.

BUN. I will do so at once. However popular it may be with the
world at large, your personal appearance is highly objectionable
to me.

GROS. It is? [shaking his hand] Oh, thank you! thank you! How
can I express my gratitude?

BUN. By making a complete change at once. Your conversation
must henceforth be perfectly matter-of-fact. You must cut your
hair, and have a back parting. In appearance and costume you
must be absolutely commonplace.

GROS. [decidedly] No. Pardon me, that's impossible.

BUN. Take care! When I am thwarted I am very terrible.

GROS. I can't help that. I am a man with a mission. And that
mission must be fulfilled.

BUN. I don't think you quite appreciate the consequences of
thwarting me.

GROS. I don't care what they are.

BUN. Suppose -- I won't go so far as to say that I will do it --
but suppose for one moment I were to curse you? [GROSVENOR
quails.] Ah! Very well. Take care.

GROS. But surely you would never do that? [In great alarm]

BUN. I don't know. It would be an extreme measure, no doubt.
Still--

GROS. [wildly] But you would not do it -- I am sure you would
not. [Throwing himself at BUNTHORNE's knees, and clinging to him]
Oh, reflect, reflect! You had a mother once.

BUN. Never!

GROS. Then you had an aunt! [BUNTHORNE affected.] Ah! I see
you had! By the memory of that aunt, I implore you to pause ere
you resort to this last fearful expedient. Oh, Mr. Bunthorne,
reflect, reflect! [Weeping]

BUN. [aside, after a struggle with himself] I must not allow
myself to be unmanned! [aloud] It is useless. Consent at once,
or may a nephew's curse--

GROS. Hold! Are you absolutely resolved?

BUN. Absolutely.

GROS. Will nothing shake you?

BUN. Nothing. I am adamant.

GROS. Very good. [rising] Then I yield.

BUN. Ha! You swear it?

GROS. I do, cheerfully. I have long wished for a reasonable
pretext for such a change as you suggest. It has come at last.
I do it on compulsion!

BUN. Victory! I triumph!

No. 18. When I go out of door
(Duet)
Bunthorne and Grosvenor

[Each one dances around the stage while the other is singing his
solo verses.]

BUNTHORNE When I go out of door,
Of damozels a score
(All sighing and burning,
And clinging and yearning)
Will follow me as before.

I shall, with cultured taste,
Distinguish gems from paste,
And "High diddle diddle"
Will rank as an idyll,
If I pronounce it chaste!

BOTH A most intense young man,
A soulful-eyed young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical,
Out-of-the-way young man!

GROSVENOR Conceive me, if you can,
An ev'ryday young man:
A commonplace type,
With a stick and a pipe,
And a half-bred black-and-tan;
Who thinks suburban "hops"
More fun than "Monday Pops,"--
Who's fond of his dinner,
And doesn't get thinner
On bottled beer and chops.

BOTH A commonplace young man,
A matter-of-fact young man--
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,
Every-day young man!

BUNTHORNE A Japanese young man--
A blue-and-white young man--
Francesca di Rimini, miminy, piminy,
Je-ne-sais-quoi young man!

GROSVENOR A Chancery lane young man--
A Somerset House young man,--
A very delectable, highly respectable
Three-penny-bus young man!

BUNTHORNE A pallid and thin young man--
A haggard and lank young man,
A greenery-yallery, Grosvenor Gallery,
Foot-in-the-grave young man!

GROSVENOR A Sewell and Cross young man,
A Howell & James young man,
A pushing young particle -- "What's the next
article?"--
Waterloo House young man!

BUNTHORNE GROSVENOR

Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!

Conceive me, if you can, Conceive me, if you can,
A crotchety, cracked young man, A matter-of-fact young man,
An ultra-poetical, super-aesthetical, An alphabetical,
arithmetical,
Out-of-the way young man! Every day young man!

[GROSVENOR dances off, L.U.E. ]

BUN. It is all right! I have committed my last act of ill-
nature, and henceforth I'm a changed character.

[Dances about stage, humming refrain of last air. Enter
PATIENCE, L. She gazes in astonishment at him.]

PATIENCE Reginald! Dancing! And -- what in the world is the
matter with you?

BUN. Patience, I'm a changed man. Hitherto I've been gloomy,
moody, fitful -- uncertain in temper and selfish in disposition--

PATIENCE You have, indeed! [sighing]

BUN. All that is changed. I have reformed. I have modelled
myself upon Mr. Grosvenor. Henceforth I am mildly cheerful. My
conversation will blend amusement with instruction. I shall
still be aesthetic; but my aestheticism will be of the most
pastoral kind.

PATIENCE Oh, Reginald! Is all this true?

BUN. Quite true. Observe how amiable I am. [Assuming a fixed
smile]

PATIENCE But, Reginald, how long will this last?

BUN. With occasional intervals for rest and refreshment, as long
as I do.

PATIENCE Oh, Reginald, I'm so happy! Oh, dear, dear Reginald, I
cannot express the joy I feel at this change. It will no longer
be a duty to love you, but a pleasure -- a rapture -- an ecstasy!

BUN. My darling! [embracing her]

PATIENCE But -- oh, horror! [recoiling from him]

BUN. What's the matter?

PATIENCE Is it quite certain that you have absolutely reformed -
- that you are henceforth a perfect being -- utterly free from
defect of any kind?

BUN. It is quite certain. I have sworn it.

PATIENCE Then I never can be yours! [crossing to R.C.]

BUN. Why not?

PATIENCE Love, to be pure, must be absolutely unselfish, and
there can be nothing unselfish in loving so perfect a being as
you have now become!

BUN. But, stop a bit. I don't want to change -- I'll relapse --
I'll be as I was -- interrupted!

[Enter GROSVENOR, L.U.E., followed by all the young LADIES, who
are followed by Chorus of DRAGOONS. He has had his hair
cut, and is dressed in an ordinary suit and a bowler hat.
They all dance cheerfully round the stage in marked contrast
to their former languor.]

No. 19. I'm a Waterloo House young man
(Solo and Chorus)
Grosvenor and Maidens

GROSVENOR I'm a Waterloo House young man,
A Sewell & Cross young man,
A steady and stolidy, jolly Bank-holiday,
Everyday young man.

MAIDENS We're Swears & Wells young girls,
We're Madame Louise young girls,
We're prettily pattering, cheerily chattering,
Every-day young girls.

BUN. [C.] Angela -- Ella -- Saphir -- what -- what does this
mean?

ANGELA [R.] It means that Archibald the All-Right cannot be all-
wrong; and if the All-Right chooses to discard aestheticism, it
proves that aestheticism ought to be discarded.

PATIENCE Oh, Archibald! Archibald! I'm shocked -- surprised --
horrified!

GROS. [L.C.] I can't help it. I'm not a free agent. I do it on
compulsion.

PATIENCE This is terrible. Go! I shall never set eyes on you
again. But -- oh, joy!

GROS.[L.C.] What is the matter?

PATIENCE [R.C.] Is it quite, quite certain that you will always
be a commonplace young man?

GROS. Always -- I've sworn it.

PATIENCE Why, then, there's nothing to prevent my loving you
with all the fervour at my command!

GROS. Why, that's true.

PATIENCE [crossing to him] My Archibald!

GROS. My Patience! [They embrace.]