The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

W >> William Schwenk Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan >> The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

Pages:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24 | 25 | 26 | 27 | 28 | 29 | 30 | 31 | 32 | 33 | 34 | 35 | 36 | 37 | 38 | 39 | 40 | 41 | 42 | 43 | 44 | 45 | 46

QUINTET.
LUDWIG, LISA, NOTARY, ERNEST, JULIA.

Strange the views some people hold!
Two young fellows quarrel--
Then they fight, for both are bold--
Rage of both is uncontrolled--
Both are stretched out, stark and cold!
Prithee, where's the moral?
Ding dong! Ding dong!
There's an end to further action,
And this barbarous transaction
Is described as "satisfaction"!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! satisfaction!
Ding dong! Ding dong!
Each is laid in churchyard mould--
Strange the views some people hold!

Better than the method old,
Which was coarse and cruel,
Is the plan that we've extolled.
Sing thy virtues manifold
(Better than refined gold),
Statutory Duel!
Sing song! Sing song!

Sword or pistol neither uses--
Playing card he lightly chooses,
And the loser simply loses!
Ha! ha! ha! ha! simply loses.
Sing song! Sing song!
Some prefer the churchyard mould!
Strange the views some people hold!

NOT. (offering a card to ERNEST).
Now take a card and gaily sing
How little you care for Fortune's rubs--

ERN. (drawing a card).
Hurrah, hurrah!--I've drawn a King:

ALL. He's drawn a King!
He's drawn a King!
Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs!

ALL (dancing). He's drawn a King!
How strange a thing!
An excellent card--his chance it aids--
Sing Hearts and Diamonds, Spades and Clubs--
Sing Diamonds, Hearts and Clubs and Spades!

NOT. (to LUDWIG).
Now take a card with heart of grace--
(Whatever our fate, let's play our parts).

LUD. (drawing card).
Hurrah, hurrah!--I've drawn an Ace!

ALL. He's drawn an Ace!
He's drawn an Ace!
Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts!

ALL (dancing).
He's drawn an Ace!
Observe his face--
Such very good fortune falls to few--
Sing Clubs and Diamonds, Spades and Hearts--
Sing Clubs, Spades, Hearts and Diamonds too!

NOT. That both these maids may keep their troth,
And never misfortune them befall,
I'll hold 'em as trustee for both--

ALL. He'll hold 'em both!
He'll hold 'em both!
Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all!

ALL (dancing). By joint decree
As {our/your} trustee
This Notary {we/you} will now instal--
In custody let him keep {their/our} hearts,
Sing Hearts, Clubs, Diamonds, Spades and all!

[Dance and exeunt LUDWIG, ERNEST, and
NOTARY with the two Girls.

March. Enter the seven Chamberlains of the
GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH.

CHORUS OF CHAMBERLAINS.

The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig,
Though, in his own opinion, very very big,
In point of fact he's nothing but a miserable prig
Is the good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

Though quite contemptible, as every one agrees,
We must dissemble if we want our bread and cheese,
So hail him in a chorus, with enthusiasm big,
The good Grand Duke of Pfennig Halbpfennig!

Enter the GRAND DUKE RUDOLPH. He is meanly and miserably dressed
in old and patched clothes, but blazes with a profusion of
orders and decorations. He is very weak and ill, from low
living.

SONG--RUDOLPH.

A pattern to professors of monarchical autonomy,
I don't indulge in levity or compromising bonhomie,
But dignified formality, consistent with economy,
Above all other virtues I particularly prize.
I never join in merriment--I don't see joke or jape any--
I never tolerate familiarity in shape any--
This, joined with an extravagant respect for
tuppence-ha'penny,
A keynote to my character sufficiently supplies.

(Speaking.) Observe. (To Chamberlains.) My snuff-box!

(The snuff-box is passed with much ceremony from the Junior
Chamberlain, through all the others, until it is presented
by the Senior Chamberlain to RUDOLPH, who uses it.)

That incident a keynote to my character supplies.

RUD. I weigh out tea and sugar with precision mathematical--
Instead of beer, a penny each--my orders are emphatical--
(Extravagance unpardonable, any more than that I call),
But, on the other hand, my Ducal dignity to keep--
All Courtly ceremonial--to put it comprehensively--
I rigidly insist upon (but not, I hope, offensively)
Whenever ceremonial can be practised inexpensively--
And, when you come to think of it, it's really very
cheap!

(Speaking.) Observe. (To Chamberlains.) My handkerchief!

(Handkerchief is handed by Junior Chamberlain to the next in
order, and so on until it reaches RUDOLPH, who is much
inconvenienced by the delay.)

It's sometimes inconvenient, but it's always very cheap!

RUD. My Lord Chamberlain, as you are aware, my marriage
with the wealthy Baroness von Krakenfeldt will take place
to-morrow, and you will be good enough to see that the rejoicings
are on a scale of unusual liberality. Pass that on. (Chamberlain
whispers to Vice-Chamberlain, who whispers to the next, and so
on.) The sports will begin with a Wedding Breakfast Bee. The
leading pastry-cooks of the town will be invited to compete, and
the winner will not only enjoy the satisfaction of seeing his
breakfast devoured by the Grand Ducal pair, but he will also be
entitled to have the Arms of Pfennig Halbpfennig tattoo'd between
his shoulder-blades. The Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. All
the public fountains of Speisesaal will run with Gingerbierheim
and Currantweinmilch at the public expense. The Assistant
Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. At night, everybody will
illuminate; and as I have no desire to tax the public funds
unduly, this will be done at the inhabitants' private expense.
The Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will see to this. All my
Grand Ducal subjects will wear new clothes, and the Sub-Deputy
Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will collect the usual commission on
all sales. Wedding presents (which, on this occasion, should be
on a scale of extraordinary magnificence) will be received at the
Palace at any hour of the twenty-four, and the Temporary
Sub-Deputy Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will sit up all night for
this purpose. The entire population will be commanded to enjoy
themselves, and with this view the Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy
Assistant Vice-Chamberlain will sing comic songs in the
Market-place from noon to nightfall. Finally, we have composed a
Wedding Anthem, with which the entire population are required to
provide themselves. It can be obtained from our Grand Ducal
publishers at the usual discount price, and all the Chamberlains
will be expected to push the sale. (Chamberlains bow and
exeunt). I don't feel at all comfortable. I hope I'm not doing
a foolish thing in getting married. After all, it's a poor heart
that never rejoices, and this wedding of mine is the first little
treat I've allowed myself since my christening. Besides,
Caroline's income is very considerable, and as her ideas of
economy are quite on a par with mine, it ought to turn out well.
Bless her tough old heart, she's a mean little darling! Oh, here
she is, punctual to her appointment!

Enter BARONESS VON KRAKENFELDT.

BAR. Rudolph! Why, what's the matter?
RUD. Why, I'm not quite myself, my pet. I'm a little
worried and upset. I want a tonic. It's the low diet, I think.
I am afraid, after all, I shall have to take the bull by the
horns and have an egg with my breakfast.
BAR. I shouldn't do anything rash, dear. Begin with a
jujube. (Gives him one.)
RUD. (about to eat it, but changes his mind). I'll keep it
for supper. (He sits by her and tries to put his arm round her
waist.)
BAR. Rudolph, don't! What in the world are you thinking
of?
RUD. I was thinking of embracing you, my sugarplum. Just
as a little cheap treat.
BAR. What, here? In public? Really, you appear to have
no
sense of delicacy.
RUD. No sense of delicacy, Bon-bon!
BAR. No. I can't make you out. When you courted me, all
your courting was done publicly in the Marketplace. When you
proposed to me, you proposed in the Market-place. And now that
we're engaged you seem to desire that our first tte-
occur in the Marketplace! Surely you've a room in your
Palace--with blinds--that would do?
RUD. But, my own, I can't help myself. I'm bound by my
own
decree.
BAR. Your own decree?
RUD. Yes. You see, all the houses that give on the
Market-place belong to me, but the drains (which date back to the
reign of Charlemagne) want attending to, and the houses wouldn't
let--so, with a view to increasing the value of the property, I
decreed that all love-episodes between affectionate couples
should take place, in public, on this spot, every Monday,
Wednesday, and Friday, when the band doesn't play.
BAR. Bless me, what a happy idea! So moral too! And have
you found it answer?
RUD. Answer? The rents have gone up fifty per cent, and
the sale of opera-glasses (which is a Grand Ducal monopoly) has
received an extraordinary stimulus! So, under the circumstances,
would you allow me to put my arm round your waist? As a source
of income. Just once!
BAR. But it's so very embarrassing. Think of the
opera-glasses!
RUD. My good girl, that's just what I am thinking of.
Hang
it all, we must give them something for their money! What's
that?
BAR. (unfolding paper, which contains a large letter,
which
she hands to him). It's a letter which your detective asked me
to hand to you. I wrapped it up in yesterday's paper to keep it
clean.
RUD. Oh, it's only his report! That'll keep. But, I say,
you've never been and bought a newspaper?
BAR. My dear Rudolph, do you think I'm mad? It came
wrapped round my breakfast.
RUD. (relieved). I thought you were not the sort of girl
to
go and buy a newspaper! Well, as we've got it, we may as well
read it. What does it say?
BAR. Why--dear me--here's your biography! "Our Detested
Despot!"
RUD. Yes--I fancy that refers to me.
BAR. And it says--Oh, it can't be!
RUD. What can't be?
BAR. Why, it says that although you're going to marry me
to-morrow, you were betrothed in infancy to the Princess of Monte
Carlo!
RUD. Oh yes--that's quite right. Didn't I mention it?
BAR. Mention it! You never said a word about it!
RUD. Well, it doesn't matter, because, you see, it's
practically off.
BAR. Practically off?
RUD. Yes. By the terms of the contract the betrothal is
void unless the Princess marries before she is of age. Now, her
father, the Prince, is stony-broke, and hasn't left his house for
years for fear of arrest. Over and over again he has implored me
to come to him to be married-but in vain. Over and over again he
has implored me to advance him the money to enable the Princess
to come to me--but in vain. I am very young, but not as young as
that; and as the Princess comes of age at two tomorrow, why at
two to-morrow I'm a free man, so I appointed that hour for our
wedding, as I shall like to have as much marriage as I can get
for my money.
BAR. I see. Of course, if the married state is a happy
state, it's a pity to waste any of it.
RUD. Why, every hour we delayed I should lose a lot of you
and you'd lose a lot of me!
BAR. My thoughtful darling! Oh, Rudolph, we ought to be
very happy!
RUD. If I'm not, it'll be my first bad investment. Still,
there is such a thing as a slump even in Matrimonials.
BAR. I often picture us in the long, cold, dark December
evenings, sitting close to each other and singing impassioned
duets to keep us warm, and thinking of all the lovely things we
could afford to buy if we chose, and, at the same time, planning
out our lives in a spirit of the most rigid and exacting economy!
RUD. It's a most beautiful and touching picture of
connubial bliss in its highest and most rarefied development!

DUET--BARONESS and RUDOLPH.

BAR. As o'er our penny roll we sing,
It is not reprehensive
To think what joys our wealth would bring
Were we disposed to do the thing
Upon a scale extensive.
There's rich mock-turtle--thick and clear--

RUD. (confidentially). Perhaps we'll have it once a year!

BAR. (delighted). You are an open-handed dear!

RUD. Though, mind you, it's expensive.

BAR. No doubt it is expensive.

BOTH. How fleeting are the glutton's joys!
With fish and fowl he lightly toys,

RUD. And pays for such expensive tricks
Sometimes as much as two-and-six!

BAR. As two-and-six?

RUD. As two-and-six--

BOTH. Sometimes as much as two-and-six!

BAR. It gives him no advantage, mind--
For you and he have only dined,
And you remain when once it's down
A better man by half-a-crown.

RUD. By half-a-crown?

BAR. By half-a-crown.

BOTH. Yes, two-and-six is half-a-crown.
Then let us be modestly merry,
And rejoice with a derry down derry.
For to laugh and to sing
No extravagance bring--
It's a joy economical, very!

BAR. Although as you're of course aware
(I never tried to hide it)
I moisten my insipid fare
With water--which I can't abear--

RUD. Nor I--I can't abide it.

BAR. This pleasing fact our souls will cheer,
With fifty thousand pounds a year
We could indulge in table beer!

RUD. Get out!

BAR. We could--I've tried it!

RUD. Yes, yes, of course you've tried it!

BOTH. Oh, he who has an income clear
Of fifty thousand pounds a year--

BAR. Can purchase all his fancy loves
Conspicuous hats--

RUD. Two shilling gloves--

BAR. (doubtfully). Two-shilling gloves?

RUD. (positively). Two-shilling gloves--

BOTH. Yes, think of that, two-shilling gloves!

BAR. Cheap shoes and ties of gaudy hue,
And Waterbury watches, too--
And think that he could buy the lot
Were he a donkey--

RUD. Which he's not!

BAR. Oh no, he's not!

RUD. Oh no, he's not!

BOTH (dancing).
That kind of donkey he is not!
Then let us be modestly merry,
And rejoice with a derry down derry.
For to laugh and to sing
Is a rational thing-
It's a joy economical, very!
[Exit
BARONESS.

RUD. Oh, now for my detective's report. (Opens letter.)
What's this! Another conspiracy! A conspiracy to depose me!
And my private detective was so convulsed with laughter at the
notion of a conspirator selecting him for a confidant that he was
physically unable to arrest the malefactor! Why, it'll come
off! This comes of engaging a detective with a keen sense of the
ridiculous! For the future I'll employ none but Scotchmen. And
the plot is to explode to-morrow! My wedding day! Oh,
Caroline, Caroline! (Weeps.) This is perfectly frightful!
What's to be done? I don't know! I ought to keep cool and
think, but you can't think when your veins are full of hot
soda-water, and your brain's fizzing like a firework, and all
your faculties are jumbled in a perfect whirlpool of
tumblication! And I'm going to be ill! I know I am! I've been
living too low, and I'm going to be very ill indeed!

SONG--RUDOLPH.

When you find you're a broken-down critter,
Who is all of a trimmle and twitter,
With your palate unpleasantly bitter,
As if you'd just eaten a pill--
When your legs are as thin as dividers,
And you're plagued with unruly insiders,
And your spine is all creepy with spiders,
And you're highly gamboge in the gill--
When you've got a beehive in your head,
And a sewing machine in each ear,
And you feel that you've eaten your bed,
And you've got a bad headache down here--
When such facts are about,
And these symptoms you find
In your body or crown--
Well, you'd better look out,
You may make up your mind
You had better lie down!

When your lips are all smeary--like tallow,
And your tongue is decidedly yallow,
With a pint of warm oil in your swallow,
And a pound of tin-tacks in your chest--
When you're down in the mouth with the vapours,
And all over your Morris wall-papers
Black-beetles are cutting their capers,
And crawly things never at rest--
When you doubt if your head is your own,
And you jump when an open door slams--
Then you've got to a state which is known
To the medical world as "jim-jams"
If such symptoms you find
In your body or head,
They're not easy to quell--
You may make up your mind
You are better in bed,
For you're not at all well!

(Sinks exhausted and weeping at foot of well.)

Enter LUDWIG.

LUD. Now for my confession and full pardon. They told me
the Grand Duke was dancing duets in the Market-place, but I don't
see him. (Sees RUDOLPH.) Hallo! Who's this? (Aside.) Why, it
is the Grand Duke!
RUD. (sobbing). Who are you, sir, who presume to address
me in person? If you've anything to communicate, you must fling
yourself at the feet of my Acting Temporary Sub-Deputy Assistant
Vice-Chamberlain, who will fling himself at the feet of his
immediate superior, and so on, with successive foot-flingings
through the various grades--your communication will, in course of
time, come to my august knowledge.
LUD. But when I inform your Highness that in me you see
the
most unhappy, the most unfortunate, the most completely miserable
man in your whole dominion--
RUD. (still sobbing). You the most miserable man in my
whole dominion? How can you have the face to stand there and say
such a thing? Why, look at me! Look at me! (Bursts into
tears.)
LUD. Well, I wouldn't be a cry-baby.
RUD. A cry-baby? If you had just been told that you were
going to be deposed to-morrow, and perhaps blown up with dynamite
for all I know, wouldn't you be a cry-baby? I do declare if I
could only hit upon some cheap and painless method of putting an
end to an existence which has become insupportable, I would
unhesitatingly adopt it!
LUD. You would ? (Aside.) I see a magnificent way out of
this! By Jupiter, I'll try it! (Aloud.) Are you, by any
chance, in earnest?
RUD. In earnest? Why, look at me!
LUD. If you are really in earnest--if you really desire to
escape scot-free from this impending--this unspeakably horrible
catastrophe--without trouble, danger, pain, or expense--why not
resort to a Statutory Duel?
RUD. A Statutory Duel?
LUD. Yes. The Act is still in force, but it will expire
to-morrow afternoon. You fight--you lose--you are dead for a
day. To-morrow, when the Act expires, you will come to life
again and resume your Grand Duchy as though nothing had happened.
In the meantime, the explosion will have taken place and the
survivor will have had to bear the brunt of it.
RUD. Yes, that's all very well, but who'll be fool enough
to be the survivor?
LUD. (kneeling). Actuated by an overwhelming sense of
attachment to your Grand Ducal person, I unhesitatingly offer
myself as the victim of your subjects' fury.
RUD. You do? Well, really that's very handsome. I
daresay
being blown up is not nearly as unpleasant as one would think.
LUD. Oh, yes it is. It mixes one up, awfully!
RUD. But suppose I were to lose?
LUD. Oh, that's easily arranged. (Producing cards.) I'll
put an Ace up my sleeve--you'll put a King up yours. When the
drawing takes place, I shall seem to draw the higher card and you
the lower. And there you are!
RUD. Oh, but that's cheating.
LUD. So it is. I never thought of that. (Going.)
RUD. (hastily). Not that I mind. But I say--you won't
take an unfair advantage of your day of office? You won't go
tipping people, or squandering my little savings in fireworks, or
any nonsense of that sort?
LUD. I am hurt--really hurt--by the suggestion.
RUD. You--you wouldn't like to put down a deposit,
perhaps?
LUD. No. I don't think I should like to put down a
deposit.
RUD. Or give a guarantee?
LUD. A guarantee would be equally open to objection.
RUD. It would be more regular. Very well, I suppose you
must have your own way.
LUD. Good. I say--we must have a devil of a quarrel!
RUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel!
LUD. Just to give colour to the thing. Shall I give you a
sound thrashing before all the people? Say the word--it's no
trouble.
RUD. No, I think not, though it would be very convincing
and it's extremely good and thoughtful of you to suggest it.
Still, a devil of a quarrel!
LUD. Oh, a devil of a quarrel!
RUD. No half measures. Big words--strong language--rude
remarks. Oh, a devil of a quarrel!
LUD. Now the question is, how shall we summon the people?
RUD. Oh, there's no difficulty about that. Bless your
heart, they've been staring at us through those windows for the
last half-hour!

FINALE.

RUD. Come hither, all you people--
When you hear the fearful news,
All the pretty women weep'll,
Men will shiver in their shoes.

LUD. And they'll all cry "Lord, defend us!"
When they learn the fact tremendous
That to give this man his gruel
In a Statutory Duel--

BOTH. This plebeian man of shoddy--
This contemptible nobody--
Your Grand Duke does not refuse!

(During this, Chorus of men and women have entered, all trembling
with apprehension under the impression that they are to be
arrested for their complicity in the conspiracy.)

CHORUS.

With faltering feet,
And our muscles in a quiver,
Our fate we meet
With our feelings all unstrung!
If our plot complete
He has managed to diskiver,
There is no retreat--
We shall certainly be hung!

RUD. (aside to LUDWIG).
Now you begin and pitch it strong--walk into me abusively--

LUD. (aside to RUDOLPH).
I've several epithets that I've reserved for you
exclusively.
A choice selection I have here when you are ready to begin.

RUD. Now you begin

LUD. No, you begin--

RUD. No, you begin--

LUD. No, you begin!

CHORUS (trembling).
Has it happed as we expected?
Is our little plot detected?

DUET--RUDOLPH and LUDWIG

RUD. (furiously).
Big bombs, small bombs, great guns and little ones!
Put him in a pillory!
Rack him with artillery!

LUD. (furiously).
Long swords, short swords, tough swords and brittle ones!
Fright him into fits!
Blow him into bits!

RUD. You muff, sir!

LUD. You lout, sir!

RUD. Enough, sir!

LUD. Get out, sir! (Pushes him.)

RUD. A hit, sir?

LUD. Take that, sir! (Slaps him.)

RUD. It's tit, sir,

LUD. For tat, sir!

CHORUS (appalled).
When two doughty heroes thunder,
All the world is lost in wonder;
When such men their temper lose,
Awful are the words they use!

LUD. Tall snobs, small snobs, rich snobs and needy ones!

RUD. (jostling him). Whom are you alluding to?

LUD. (jostling him). Where are you intruding to?

RUD. Fat snobs, thin snobs, swell snobs and seedy ones!

LUD. I rather think you err.
To whom do you refer?

RUD. To you, sir!