The Complete Plays of Gilbert and Sullivan

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BAR. Express your grief profound!

LUD. I shan't!
This tone I never allow, my love.

BAR. Rudolph at once produce!

LUD. I can't;
He isn't at home just now, my love.

BAR. (astonished). He isn't at home just now!

ALL. He isn't at home just now,
(Dancing derisively.) He has an appointment particular,
very-
You'll find him, I think, in the town cemetery;
And that's how we come to be making so merry,
For he isn't at home just now!

BAR. But bless my heart and soul alive, it's impudence
personified!
I've come here to be matrimonially matrimonified!

LUD. For any disappointment I am sorry unaffectedly,
But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly--

ALL (sobbing). Tol the riddle lol!
Tol the riddle lol!
Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol lol lay!
(Then laughing wildly.) Tol the riddle, lol the riddle, lol
lol
lay!

BAR. But this is most unexpected. He was well enough at a
quarter to twelve yesterday.
LUD. Yes. He died at half-past eleven.
BAR. Bless me, how very sudden!
LUD. It was sudden.
BAR. But what in the world am I to do? I was to have been
married to him to-day!

ALL (singing and dancing).
For any disappointment we are sorry unaffectedly,
But yesterday that nobleman expired quite unexpectedly--
Tol the riddle lol!

BAR. Is this Court Mourning or a Fancy Ball?
LUD. Well, it's a delicate combination of both effects.
It
is intended to express inconsolable grief for the decease of the
late Duke and ebullient joy at the accession of his successor. I
am his successor. Permit me to present you to my Grand Duchess.
(Indicating JULIA.)
BAR. Your Grand Duchess? Oh, your Highness! (Curtseying
profoundly.)
JULIA (sneering at her). Old frump!
BAR. Humph! A recent creation, probably?
LUD. We were married only half an hour ago.
BAR. Exactly . I thought she seemed new to the position.
JULIA. Ma'am, I don't know who you are, but I flatter
myself I can do justice to any part on the very shortest notice.
BAR. My dear, under the circumstances you are doing
admirably--and you'll improve with practice. It's so difficult
to be a lady when one isn't born to it.
JULIA (in a rage, to LUDWIG). Am I to stand this? Am I
not
to be allowed to pull her to pieces?
LUD. (aside to JULIA). No, no--it isn't Greek. Be a
violet, I beg.
BAR. And now tell me all about this distressing
circumstance. How did the Grand Duke die?
LUD. He perished nobly--in a Statutory Duel.
BAR. In a Statutory Duel? But that's only a civil
death!--and the Act expires to-night, and then he will come to
life again!
LUD. Well, no. Anxious to inaugurate my reign by
conferring some inestimable boon on my people, I signalized this
occasion by reviving the law for another hundred years.
BAR. For another hundred years? Then set the merry
joybells ringing! Let festive epithalamia resound through these
ancient halls! Cut the satisfying sandwich--broach the
exhilarating Marsala--and let us rejoice to-day, if we never
rejoice again!
LUD. But I don't think I quite understand. We have
already
rejoiced a good deal.
BAR. Happy man, you little reck of the extent of the good
things you are in for. When you killed Rudolph you adopted all
his overwhelming responsibilities. Know then that I, Caroline
von Krakenfeldt, am the most overwhelming of them all!
LUD. But stop, stop--I've just been married to somebody
else!
JULIA. Yes, ma'am, to somebody else, ma'am! Do you
understand, ma'am? To somebody else!
BAR. Do keep this young woman quiet; she fidgets me!
JULIA. Fidgets you!
LUD. (aside to JULIA). Be a violet--a crushed, despairing
violet.
JULIA. Do you suppose I intend to give up a magnificent
part without a struggle?
LUD. My good girl, she has the law on her side. Let us
both bear this calamity with resignation. If you must struggle,
go away and struggle in the seclusion of your chamber.

SONG--BARONESS and CHORUS.

Now away to the wedding we go,
So summon the charioteers--
No kind of reluctance they show
To embark on their married careers.
Though Julia's emotion may flow
For the rest of her maidenly years,
ALL. To the wedding we eagerly go,
So summon the charioteers!

Now away, etc.

(All dance off to wedding except JULIA.)

RECIT.--JULIA.

So ends my dream--so fades my vision fair!
Of hope no gleam--distraction and despair!
My cherished dream, the Ducal throne to share
That aim supreme has vanished into air!

SONG--JULIA.

Broken every promise plighted--
All is darksome--all is dreary.
Every new-born hope is blighted!
Sad and sorry--weak and weary
Death the Friend or Death the Foe,
Shall I call upon thee? No!
I will go on living, though
Sad and sorry--weak and weary!

No, no! Let the bygone go by!
No good ever came of repining:
If to-day there are clouds o'er the sky,
To-morrow the sun may be shining!
To-morrow, be kind,
To-morrow, to me!
With loyalty blind
I curtsey to thee!
To-day is a day of illusion and sorrow,
So viva To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow!
God save you, To-morrow!
Your servant, To-morrow!
God save you, To-morrow, To-morrow, To-morrow!

[Exit JULIA.
Enter ERNEST.

ERN. It's of no use--I can't wait any longer. At any risk
I must gratify my urgent desire to know what is going on.
(Looking off.) Why, what's that? Surely I see a wedding
procession winding down the hill, dressed in my Troilus and
Cressida costumes! That's Ludwig's doing! I see how it is--he
found the time hang heavy on his hands, and is amusing himself by
getting married to Lisa. No--it can't be to Lisa, for here she
is!

Enter LISA.

LISA (not seeing him). I really cannot stand seeing my
Ludwig married twice in one day to somebody else!
ERN. Lisa!
(LISA sees him, and stands as if transfixed with horror.).
ERN. Come here--don't be a little fool--I want you.
(LISA suddenly turns and bolts off.)
ERN. Why, what's the matter with the little donkey? One
would think she saw a ghost! But if he's not marrying Lisa, whom
is he marrying? (Suddenly.) Julia! (Much overcome.) I see it
all! The scoundrel! He had to adopt all my responsibilities,
and he's shabbily taken advantage of the situation to marry the
girl I'm engaged to! But no, it can't be Julia, for here she is!

Enter JULIA.
JULIA (not seeing him). I've made up my mind. I won't
stand it! I'll send in my notice at once!
ERN. Julia! Oh, what a relief!

(JULIA gazes at him as if transfixed.)

ERN. Then you've not married Ludwig? You are still true
to
me?

(JULIA turns and bolts in grotesque horror. ERNEST follows and
stops her.)

ERN. Don't run away! Listen to me. Are you all crazy?
JULIA (in affected terror). What would you with me,
spectre? Oh, ain't his eyes sepulchral! And ain't his voice
hollow! What are you doing out of your tomb at this time of
day--apparition?
ERN. I do wish I could make you girls understand that I'm
only technically dead, and that physically I'm as much alive as
ever I was in my life!
JULIA. Oh, but it's an awful thing to be haunted by a
technical bogy!
ERN. You won't be haunted much longer. The law must be on
its last legs, and in a few hours I shall come to life
again--resume all my social and civil functions, and claim my
darling as my blushing bride!
JULIA. Oh--then you haven't heard?
ERN. My love, I've heard nothing. How could I? There are
no daily papers where I come from.
JULIA. Why, Ludwig challenged Rudolph and won, and now
he's
Grand Duke, and he's revived the law for another century!
ERN. What! But you're not serious--you're only joking!
JULIA. My good sir, I'm a light-hearted girl, but I don't
chaff bogies.
ERN. Well, that's the meanest dodge I ever heard of!
JULIA. Shabby trick, I call it.
ERN. But you don't mean to say that you're going to cry
off!
JULIA. I really can't afford to wait until your time is
up.
You know, I've always set my face against long engagements.
ERN. Then defy the law and marry me now. We will fly to
your native country, and I'll play broken-English in London as
you play broken-German here!
JULIA. No. These legal technicalities cannot be defied.
Situated as you are, you have no power to make me your wife. At
best you could only make me your widow.
ERN. Then be my widow--my little, dainty, winning, winsome
widow!
JULIA. Now what would be the good of that? Why, you
goose,
I should marry again within a month!

DUET--ERNEST and JULIA.

ERN. If the light of love's lingering ember
Has faded in gloom,
You cannot neglect, O remember,
A voice from the tomb!
That stern supernatural diction
Should act as a solemn restriction,
Although by a mere legal fiction
A voice from the tomb!

JULIA (in affected terror).
I own that that utterance chills me--
It withers my bloom!
With awful emotion it thrills me--
That voice from the tomb!
Oh, spectre, won't anything lay thee?
Though pained to deny or gainsay thee,
In this case I cannot obey thee,
Thou voice from the tomb!

(Dancing.) So, spectre, appalling,
I bid you good-day--
Perhaps you'll be calling
When passing this way.
Your bogydom scorning,
And all your love-lorning,
I bid you good-morning,
I bid you good-day.

ERN. (furious). My offer recalling,
Your words I obey--
Your fate is appalling,
And full of dismay.
To pay for this scorning
I give you fair warning
I'll haunt you each morning,
Each night, and each day!

(Repeat Ensemble, and exeunt in opposite directions.)

Re-enter the Wedding Procession dancing.

CHORUS.

Now bridegroom and bride let us toast
In a magnum of merry champagne--
Let us make of this moment the most,
We may not be so lucky again.
So drink to our sovereign host
And his highly intelligent reign--
His health and his bride's let us toast
In a magnum of merry champagne!

SONG--BARONESS with CHORUS.

I once gave an evening party
(A sandwich and cut-orange ball),
But my guests had such appetites hearty
That I couldn't enjoy it, enjoy it at all.
I made a heroic endeavour
To look unconcerned, but in vain,
And I vow'd that I never--oh never
Would ask anybody again!
But there's a distinction decided---
A difference truly immense--
When the wine that you drink is provided, provided,
At somebody else's expense.
So bumpers--aye, ever so many--
The cost we may safely ignore!
For the wine doesn't cost us a penny,
Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four!

CHORUS. So bumpers--aye, ever so many--etc.

Come, bumpers--aye, ever so many--
And then, if you will, many more!
This wine doesn't cost us a penny,
Tho' it's Pommry, Pommry seventy-four!
Old wine is a true panacea
For ev'ry conceivable ill,
When you cherish the soothing idea
That somebody else pays the bill!
Old wine is a pleasure that's hollow
When at your own table you sit,
For you're thinking each mouthful you swallow
Has cost you, has cost you a threepenny-bit!
So bumpers--aye, ever so many--
And then, if you will, many more!
This wine doesn't cost us a penny,
Tho' it's Pommry seventy-four!

CHORUS. So, bumpers--aye, ever so many--etc.

(March heard.)

LUD. (recit.). Why, who is this approaching,
Upon our joy encroaching?
Some rascal come a-poaching
Who's heard that wine we're broaching?

ALL. Who may this be?
Who may this be?
Who is he? Who is he? Who is he?

Enter HERALD.

HER. The Prince of Monte Carlo,
From Mediterranean water,
Has come here to bestow
On you his beautiful daughter.
They've paid off all they owe,
As every statesman oughter--
That Prince of Monte Carlo
And his be-eautiful daughter!

CHORUS. The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.

HER. The Prince of Monte Carlo,
Who is so very partickler,
Has heard that you're also
For ceremony a stickler--
Therefore he lets you know
By word of mouth auric'lar--
(That Prince of Monte Carlo
Who is so very particklar)--

CHORUS. The Prince of Monte Carlo, etc.

HER. That Prince of Monte Carlo,
From Mediterranean water,
Has come here to bestow
On you his be-eautiful daughter!

LUD. (recit.). His Highness we know not--nor the locality
In which is situate his Principality;
But, as he guesses by some odd fatality,
This is the shop for cut and dried formality!
Let him appear--
He'll find that we're
Remarkable for cut and dried formality.

(Reprise of March. Exit HERALD.
LUDWIG beckons his Court.)

LUD. I have a plan--I'll tell you all the plot of it--
He wants formality--he shall have a lot of it!
(Whispers to them, through symphony.)
Conceal yourselves, and when I give the cue,
Spring out on him--you all know what to do!
(All conceal themselves behind the draperies that enclose the
stage.)

Pompous March. Enter the PRINCE and PRINCESS OF MONTE CARLO,
attended by six theatrical-looking nobles and the Court
Costumier.

DUET--Prince and PRINCESS.

PRINCE. We're rigged out in magnificent array
(Our own clothes are much gloomier)
In costumes which we've hired by the day
From a very well-known costumier.

COST. (bowing). I am the well-known costumier.

PRINCESS. With a brilliant staff a Prince should make a show
(It's a rule that never varies),
So we've engaged from the Theatre Monaco
Six supernumeraries.

NOBLES. We're the supernumeraries.

ALL. At a salary immense,
Quite regardless of expense,
Six supernumeraries!

PRINCE. They do not speak, for they break our grammar's laws,
And their language is lamentable--
And they never take off their gloves, because
Their nails are not presentable.

NOBLES. Our nails are not presentable!

PRINCESS. To account for their shortcomings manifest
We explain, in a whisper bated,
They are wealthy members of the brewing interest
To the Peerage elevated.

NOBLES. To the Peerage elevated.

ALL. They're/We're very, very rich,
And accordingly, as sich,
To the Peerage elevated.

PRINCE. Well, my dear, here we are at last--just in time
to
compel Duke Rudolph to fulfil the terms of his marriage contract.
Another hour and we should have been too late.
PRINCESS. Yes, papa, and if you hadn't fortunately
discovered a means of making an income by honest industry, we
should never have got here at all.
PRINCE. Very true. Confined for the last two years within
the precincts of my palace by an obdurate bootmaker who held a
warrant for my arrest, I devoted my enforced leisure to a study
of the doctrine of chances--mainly with the view of ascertaining
whether there was the remotest chance of my ever going out for a
walk again--and this led to the discovery of a singularly
fascinating little round game which I have called Roulette, and
by which, in one sitting, I won no less than five thousand
francs! My first act was to pay my bootmaker--my second, to
engage a good useful working set of second-hand nobles--and my
third, to hurry you off to Pfennig Halbpfennig as fast as a train
de luxe could carry us!
PRINCESS. Yes, and a pretty job-lot of second-hand nobles
you've scraped together!
PRINCE (doubtfully). Pretty, you think? Humph! I don't
know. I should say tol-lol, my love--only tol-lol. They are not
wholly satisfactory. There is a certain air of unreality about
them--they are not convincing.
COST. But, my goot friend, vhat can you expect for
eighteenpence a day!
PRINCE. Now take this Peer, for instance. What the deuce
do you call him?
COST. Him? Oh, he's a swell--he's the Duke of Riviera.
PRINCE. Oh, he's a Duke, is he? Well, that's no reason
why
he should look so confoundedly haughty. (To Noble.) Be affable,
sir! (Noble takes attitude of affability.) That's better.
(Passing to another.) Now, who's this with his moustache coming
off?
COST. Vhy; you're Viscount Mentone, ain't you?
NOBLE. Blest if I know. (Turning up sword-belt.) It's
wrote here--yes, Viscount Mentone.
COST. Then vhy don't you say so? 'Old yerself up--you
ain't carryin' sandwich boards now. (Adjusts his moustache.)
PRINCE. Now, once for all, you Peers--when His Highness
arrives, don't stand like sticks, but appear to take an
intelligent and sympathetic interest in what is going on. You
needn't say anything, but let your gestures be in accordance with
the spirit of the conversation. Now take the word from me.
Affability! (attitude). Submission! (attitude). Surprise!
(attitude). Shame! (attitude). Grief! (attitude). Joy!
(attitude). That's better! You can do it if you like!
PRINCESS. But, papa, where in the world is the Court?
There is positively no one here to receive us! I can't help
feeling that Rudolph wants to get out of it because I'm poor.
He's a miserly little wretch--that's what he is.
PRINCE. Well, I shouldn't go so far as to say that. I
should rather describe him as an enthusiastic collector of
coins--of the realm--and we must not be too hard upon a
numismatist if he feels a certain disinclination to part with
some of his really very valuable specimens. It's a pretty hobby:
I've often thought I should like to collect some coins myself.
PRINCESS. Papa, I'm sure there's some one behind that
curtain. I saw it move!
PRINCE. Then no doubt they are coming. Now mind, you
Peers--haughty affability combined with a sense of what is due to
your exalted ranks, or I'll fine you half a franc each--upon my
soul I will!

(Gong. The curtains fly back and the Court are discovered. They
give a wild yell and rush on to the stage dancing wildly,
with PRINCE, PRINCESS, and Nobles, who are taken by
surprise
at first, but eventually join in a reckless dance. At the
end all fall down exhausted.)

LUD. There, what do you think of that? That's our
official
ceremonial for the reception of visitors of the very highest
distinction.
PRINCE (puzzled). It's very quaint--very curious indeed.
Prettily footed, too. Prettily footed.
LUD. Would you like to see how we say "good-bye" to
visitors of distinction? That ceremony is also performed with
the foot.
PRINCE. Really, this tone--ah, but perhaps you have not
completely grasped the situation?
LUD. Not altogether.
PRINCE. Ah, then I'll give you a lead over.
(Significantly:) I am the father of the Princess of Monte Carlo.
Doesn't that convey any idea to the Grand Ducal mind?
LUD. (stolidly). Nothing definite.
PRINCE (aside). H'm--very odd! Never mind--try again!
(Aloud.) This is the daughter of the Prince of Monte Carlo. Do
you take?
LUD. (still puzzled). No--not yet. Go on--don't give it
up--I dare say it will come presently.
PRINCE. Very odd--never mind--try again. (With sly
significance.) Twenty years ago! Little doddle doddle! Two
little doddle doddles! Happy father--hers and yours. Proud
mother--yours and hers! Hah! Now you take? I see you do! I
see you do!
LUD. Nothing is more annoying than to feel that you're not
equal to the intellectual pressure of the conversation. I wish
he'd say something intelligible.
PRINCE. You didn't expect me?
LUD. (jumping at it). No, no. I grasp that--thank you
very
much. (Shaking hands with him.) No, I did not expect you!
PRINCE. I thought not. But ha! ha! at last I have escaped
from my enforced restraint. (General movement of alarm.) (To
crowd who are stealing off.) No, no--you misunderstand me. I
mean I've paid my debts!
ALL. Oh! (They return.)
PRINCESS (affectionately). But, my darling, I'm afraid
that
even now you don't quite realize who I am! (Embracing him.)
BARONESS. Why, you forward little hussy, how dare you?
(Takes her away from LUDWIG.)
LUD. You mustn't do that, my dear--never in the presence
of
the Grand Duchess, I beg!
PRINCESS (weeping). Oh, papa, he's got a Grand Duchess!
LUD. A Grand Duchess! My good girl, I've got three Grand
Duchesses!
PRINCESS. Well, I'm sure! Papa, let's go away--this is
not
a respectable Court.
PRINCE. All these Grand Dukes have their little fancies,
my
love. This potentate appears to be collecting wives. It's a
pretty hobby--I should like to collect a few myself. This
(admiring BARONESS) is a charming specimen--an antique, I should
say--of the early Merovingian period, if I'm not mistaken; and
here's another--a Scotch lady, I think (alluding to JULIA), and
(alluding to LISA) a little one thrown in. Two half-quarterns
and a makeweight! (To LUDWIG.) Have you such a thing as a
catalogue of the Museum?
PRINCESS. But I cannot permit Rudolph to keep a museum--
LUD. Rudolph? Get along with you, I'm not Rudolph!
Rudolph died yesterday!
PRINCE and PRINCESS. What!
LUD. Quite suddenly--of--of--a cardiac affection.
PRINCE and PRINCESS. Of a cardiac affection!
LUD. Yes, a pack-of-cardiac affection. He fought a
Statutory Duel with me and lost, and I took over all his
engagements--including this imperfectly preserved old lady, to
whom he has been engaged for the last three weeks.
PRINCESS. Three weeks! But I've been engaged to him for
the last twenty years!
BARONESS, LISA, and JULIA. Twenty years!
PRINCE (aside). It's all right, my love--they can't get
over that. (Aloud.) He's yours--take him, and hold him as tight
as you can!
PRINCESS. My own! (Embracing LUDWIG.)
LUD. Here's another!--the fourth in four-and-twenty hours!
Would anybody else like to marry me? You, ma'am--or
you--anybody! I'm getting used to it!
BARONESS. But let me tell you, ma'am--
JULIA. Why, you impudent little hussy--
LISA. Oh, here's another--here's another! (Weeping.)
PRINCESS. Poor ladies, I'm very sorry for you all; but,
you
see, I've a prior claim. Come, away we go--there's not a moment
to be lost!

CHORUS (as they dance towards exit).

Away to the wedding we'll go
To summon the charioteers,
No kind of reluctance we show
To embark on our married careers--

(At this moment RUDOLPH, ERNEST, and NOTARY appear.
All kneel in astonishment.)

RECITATIVE.

RUD., Ern., and NOT.
Forbear! This may not be!
Frustrated are your plans!
With paramount decree
The Law forbids the banns!

ALL. The Law forbids the banns!
LUD. Not a bit of it! I've revived the law for another
century!
RUD. You didn't revive it! You couldn't revive it!
You--you are an impostor, sir--a tuppenny rogue, sir! You--you
never were, and in all human probability never will be--Grand
Duke of Pfennig Anything!
ALL. What!!!
RUD. Never--never, never! (Aside.) Oh, my internal
economy!
LUD. That's absurd, you know. I fought the Grand Duke.
He
drew a King, and I drew an Ace. He perished in inconceivable
agonies on the spot. Now, as that's settled, we'll go on with
the wedding.
RUD. It--it isn't settled. You--you can't. I--I--(to
NOTARY). Oh, tell him--tell him! I can't!
NOT. Well, the fact is, there's been a little mistake
here.
On reference to the Act that regulates Statutory Duels, I find it
is expressly laid down that the Ace shall count invariably as
lowest!
ALL. As lowest!
RUD. (breathlessly). As lowest--lowest--lowest! So
you're
the ghoest--ghoest--ghoest! (Aside.) Oh, what is the matter
with me inside here!
ERN. Well, Julia, as it seems that the law hasn't been
revived--and as, consequently, I shall come to life in about
three minutes--(consulting his watch)--
JULIA. My objection falls to the ground. (Resignedly.)
Very well!
PRINCESS. And am I to understand that I was on the point
of
marrying a dead man without knowing it? (To RUDOLPH, who
revives.) Oh, my love, what a narrow escape I've had!
RUD. Oh--you are the Princess of Monte Carlo, and you've
turned up just in time! Well, you're an attractive little girl,
you know, but you're as poor as a rat! (They retire up
together.)
LISA. That's all very well, but what is to become of me?
(To LUDWIG.) If you're a dead man--(Clock strikes three.)
LUD. But I'm not. Time's up--the Act has expired--I've
come
to life--the parson is still in attendance, and we'll all be
married directly.
ALL. Hurrah!